Monday, July 29, 2013

School Time, School Time ... Happy! Happy!

To many of us, the end of July and the beginning 
of August means 
only  one thing.

The damn little monsters will be going back to school soon!!!!

Okay, here come the ogre comments! I can already 
see them.

"Oh, you bastard, 
don't you like kids?"

"What's wrong with you? Children are precious!"

"You're just a 
grumpy old fart!"

"What an assh*le!"

Blah, blah, blah ...
etc., etc., etc.

I'm only saying what most think, but won't admit to openly.

I love kids, but too much of any good thing is a waste of sanity!

There's a feeling of elation when I walk into a department store and see all the back to school items on sale.  I know that hard working class families will be able to save money and properly supply their children for the upcoming school year.  The happy, little smiling faces that are so thrilled to be getting new school supplies ...

To break, lose, and throw at other happy, little smiling faces on the school bus!

Many parents feel the same as I about being somewhat relieved when school starts up.  Here are some of my favorite reasons, and probably some of yours, as to why this relief is so blessed.

I scream to get what I want
when I want where I want!
And don't you try to stop me!!
1)  Very few, if any, screaming brats in the grocery store with their parents in the middle of the day.  The last thing I need when trying to figure out what my stomach is requesting is a brat filling the air with sound wave proclamations of, 

"I want, I want, I want, I want ... Gimme, Gimme, Gimme ... WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

   (If this ever happened in a gun shop I'm sure the press would be out in droves sensationalizing the results of the event.)

2)  Watching the neighborhood bushes to see if one of the little suckers will dart out in front of you while driving will be less stressful during school hours.  They should all be tucked away nicely in the classrooms we pay our taxes to cage them in.  If there is an escapee, and they happen to run in front of the car, there will be fewer witnesses to the event, making court appearances short and effective.

Restaurants are cool.  Look at all the
neat stuff we can find to throw!!
3)  Restaurant dining will become less dangerous during noontime excursions.  Flying mashed potatoes from pre-teens, loud obnoxious profanity from spoiled teenagers, and extremely long lines filled with cars holding eight kids (each paying for their own order) at drive-up windows will magically disappear in a couple of weeks.  Once again, the stupidity of the order takers will be able to be blamed on them, instead of the stress the kids put them through.

4) Mid-day traffic problems will be a thing of the past!   How many stoplights will be made because you weren't held up at the last one by a group of teenagers texting each other in the car instead of talking to each other?  Not only that, but the thumping $2000 car with the $10,000 stereo system will be parked at the school, instead of next to you at the light.  Finally, you'll be able to listen to your music without turning it up to the max.  Headache medicine sales will drop because of this, too!

Give a gift to remember if you
want an afternoon to remember!
5)  Afternoon delight will go back to involving adults instead of nap times for kids.  Let loose with the squeals and groans all you want.  Hell, even bring out the cowboy hats and French Maid outfit!  The kids are gone!!!!  Enjoy it while you can and as much as you can!  Just remember, the little imps come home every day at about the same time.  30 minute orgasms with pigs (as Kristi would say) need to be timed out to coincide with school bus arrivals.  Otherwise, you'll be explaining what the pig is doing in your bed!

6)  Go back to chatting on the web and living dangerously in web hot tubs with unknown companions.  Live your fantasies to the fullest and still be safe.  Just make sure you wipe the perspiration from your forehead and upper lip before the kids get home and do a search on your site history!

Look at those buns!!!!
7)  Go to the mall and look at all the cute asses walking by.  I don't care if you're male or female, there are plenty of asses to browse at the mall.  Grab yourself a table at the edge of the food court, enjoy your coffee, and gurgle as those buns jiggle by.  Just be careful and not sit close to the senior citizen circuit.  Those buns don't jiggle ... they drag the ground!  You might as well go find a pig.

8)  Get off your ass and exercise or dance!  No kids will be home to make fun of you.  Rise up and get moving!  Re-visit the 70's, the 80's, the 90's and dance to your heart's desire.  Again, be careful of the time or you may have a whole school bus load of wide eyed loud mouths telling the neighborhood you were practicing your stripper moves!

I'm watching what you leave in the
DVD player regardless 

of what you say!

9)  Put in a movie that you want to watch!  Instead of viewing the Littlest Mermaid for the 571st time, put in something you want to see.  Sit back and enjoy an afternoon tearjerker, love story, or hot porno if you choose.  Do remember that when the kids come home the DVD or BlueRay needs to be put away, not left in the machine for them to ask your spouse what men and women and pigs do without clothes on!

10)  Cheat on your diet!  F*ck the calories!  Dig in and enjoy the chocolate ice cream over the chocolate brownie with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.  If you feel guilty, cut up a damn banana and tell yourself you're eating something healthy!  Who's to know what you do when the kids are gone?  Cheat all you want!  Just wash the dishes after you're done or the next time you have a hard time getting into your jeans, some smart ass little mouth is going to say, "If you'd lay off the chocolate ice cream while we're at school, they'd fit!"

So, will I be happy when the kids go back to school?  

Let me say that the education of our youth depends on the quality of education they receive.  Without proper education, our children will grow up to follow in the footsteps of the leaders of today.  If you want your children to be intelligent and have a great future, home school them. 

However, if you like the thoughts of enjoying some of the items on the list above ...

Send the little monsters to school!!!!

You'll be happy you did!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Serious Sunday #2: Users, Losers & Abusers

** This is the second in the Serious Sunday series.  Many of my friends are finding themselves in a position of questioning how they could have been so naive as to have trusted people on the web, or others, in life, that have since taken advantage of their kindness.  

This post attempts to address the subject from the viewpoint of accountability.  Please feel free to comment at the end.


Are you proud of your life's decisions?
Are you doing as you were taught?
Are you doing as you would want others to do to you?
Are you a user, loser & abuser?

Only you can answer this honestly.  

Will you?

Were you taught right from wrong as a child?  Did your parents ever discuss the differences between treating people right and using people to get what you want? 

Are you following those rules today?

Are you the accuser or the accused?
What put you in that position?
In business and politics today, stealing is somewhat acceptable ... as long as you don't get caught. The participants live up to the standard that there is no honor among thieves.  The dirtier your business tactics, the higher you rise upon the corporate ladder.  Stabbing people in the back is a practice most lawyers, businessmen and politicians are aware takes place and lose sleep over as they toss and turn wondering who may be getting ready to do it to them as they have done it to others.  

It's an endless cycle!

But, doesn't everyone use everyone?  Don't husbands and wives use each other?  Don't neighbors borrow tools and never return them?  Don't churches expect you to give them some of your free time for their special activities?

Most do to a small extent.  Some call it helping each other out, doing a favor, or relationship responsibility.  Still, it is using another person for a purpose and finding a viable excuse for doing so.

How could you do this to me?
I thought we were friends?
It is taught, "Winners have reasons for success and losers have excuses for failure."  Does this mean that a winner will pay the price for their successes by the processes of trial and error experimentation, proper educational studies, and apprenticeships?  If so, does the loser category include those who utilize friendship as a guise to steal ideas, learn due processes without payment, and jump into the competitive element after learning their trade under false pretenses?

As humans, whether we be naive and gullible or aware and fearful, we allow many to enter our private circles that have no business there.  We tend to be naive in our thinking that the person we assist will never stab us in the back.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

However, we still find ourselves wondering how we could be so easily fooled.  Why did we ever trust?  How could that person do that to us?  What did we do to deserve being taken advantage of in this manner?

Does the nice guy always finish last?  Or, do things go around in circles?  Will something come back to nip these users, losers and abusers in the tail in the future?   Or, do we have to wait until death to see the guilty get their just deserts?

We live in a communication age.  The Internet allows for relationships to be formed and seen by all.  It, also, allows for all to see when a wrong takes place.  

Thus, the birth of the Huffington Post crowd that thinks everything is an injustice!

It's not so easy to get away unnoticed these days.  Posts and websites that call out those that don't follow the rules are commonplace.  Groups can easily witness the actions of its members and stand in unity to see they fail in their efforts to take undo advantage.  Schemers, thieves, and sharks can easily be called out and seen for the lowlifes they truly are.

Ask yourself,
"Where do I fit in?"
These individuals have lost the common decency that relationships depend on.  They use their so called friends to gain their trust, rip out souls in their actions, and then validate their acts with excuses.  They have forgotten the Golden Rule, their parents teachings, and the law of Physics ("For every action there is a reaction.")  

Where do you fit in this picture?  How are you changing the world in which you live by the lack of honesty and fairness you exhibit?  Are you the role model you want your children to follow in the footsteps of in their future adult life?  How would you feel if others did to you the same as you do to them?

Do you care about how your actions influence the opinions others have of you?

Or, are you simply one of the many that don't give a damn anymore?

When was the last time 
 used someone?

Isn't it time you stopped?

Friday, July 26, 2013

10 Things Of Thankful by Guest Blogger Kristi Campbell

So, here I am again.  Keyboard in front of me, blank screen staring bright white at my face, and a Diet Coke at my side as the cigarette between my lips drops ashes on my chest.  The only thing missing from a 1940's movie is the crumpled suit and loosely tied necktie, a cup of coffee, and a beautiful blonde sitting across from me telling me a story that will draw my attention from the gap her skirt offers my gaze.

But, wait a minute!  There is a beautiful blonde there.  (Or, at least she once was before gravity happened!)  Long, lean, limber, lounging lusciously on the lounger, living loquaciously on the ledge of life.  The type of woman that you'd drive ten miles in the driving rain just to see her clean laundry get rain soaked on a swinging clothesline creaking between apartment buildings in the dangerous section of town.   Well, would you believe you'd look out your window to see her kissing the mailman after a real "Special Delivery"?  How about glancing up to see the dog she was walking down the street?  So, maybe if she screamed real loud you'd ask the wife to see what was going on?  Okay!  At least that's settled!  
So much for the Humphrey Bogart stuff!
(Where's those damn strawberries, anyway???)
Join us, dear Kristi!  Gravity got to us, too!!!!  Got your cap?

The fabulously, fantastic and freakin' funny filly 
(boy, does that sound like an old time chauvinist)
Kristi Campbell of 

is going to return the favor I did her last week (when she was playing her "Give me sympathy, I'm a wasted wino" act) and guest posted on her blog.  What this actually means is that there's going to be a little class on this blog for a change.  I'm not saying what type of class as I believe you can decide for yourself.

Seriously, I think you're going to enjoy her take on 10 Things Of Thankful. 

 So, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you an individual 
that believes knee pads are for more than just kissing toenails,
 I bring you Kristi Campbell!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

I should probably begin by clearing something up.  While this is technically
considered a guest post, it is really more of a I-crashed-the-cool-dude’s-blog post.
You may be familiar with the fact that your host Rich here was dumb nice enough to
allow me the luxury of sleeping while my blog was written for me last weekend.
Either he is kinder than Gabriela has let on, or he was drunk. It doesn’t actually
matter which, because I got what I wanted.  I got an  on my site without having to do
anything but draw a stupid-looking picture, and now am able to consider myself
part of the cool comedy crowd, if only by association.  This weekend, I felt like I
should defile his blog with my words. Think of it like a return favor, without the
favor part.  

This is my Ten Things of Thankful this weekend. 

1. I’m thankful that I have no clue what the royal baby’s name is and do not
know whether they have even named it yet. This missing bit of useless
information means that I:
     a. Have more room in my head for important trivia such as the fact that
         pigs have orgasms for 30 minutes and…
     b. That I haven’t wasted any time this week catching up on celebrity
         gossip, freeing myself to instead spend my time productively, fucking
         off on Facebook, playing quality learning-games with my son. 
2. I’m thankful that I’m not at BlogHer, where I’d be forced to pretend to enjoy
sitting through boring seminars for eight hours in order to get to the real
reason for attending: liquor-infused parties, laughing with blog friends and
the free food.  Crap. Maybe I should have gone. 
3. I’m thankful that Rich does not love sheep in the disturbing (but
understandable because women can be a pain in the ass) “Love Ewe” way
and instead was only referencing counting them last week. 

4. I’m thankful that Gabriela is holding it against Rich, and not me, that my words
appear among these pages today, in spite of it being her turn to blog.  I’m
guessing that Rich is going to wake up tomorrow with cat turd on his pillow.
Not only does it appear that he likes me more, she also mentioned that they
had a heated argument involving ownership of a stale bag of Cheetos and a
warm beer. 

5. I’m thankful that the weather’s cooled off a little bit so that I can go to work
looking like I have body odor, but not actually smelling like it. 
6. I’m thankful that my brother’s wife is such a bitch. It keeps my family from
noticing that I drink all of the wine at each family gathering. 
7. I’m thankful that there is bird shit all over my car because that means it is not
in my hair. 
8. I’m thankful that no matter how lazy I become, my toes will never look like
the ones pictured  earlier this week. I’m serious. People, those freaking
toenails go beyond lazy and fungus problems. Dude would have to actually
tend to them to obtain that special level of nasty.  Even cavemen didn’t have
toenails that offensive. 

9. I’m thankful that women who weigh 350 pounds feel perfectly comfortable
sporting bathing suits at the pool. They remind me that beauty is on the
inside while simultaneously making me look better in comparison and feel
like less of a gluttonous cow. 
10. I’m thankful that I am able to call the amazingly talented, awesomely
hilarious Rich Rumple my friend.  Thank you, Rich for allowing me to share
this list with the worldwide interwebs via your kickass pages. Err…wait.
Should I be apologizing to you instead?  Huh. Probably.  If so, sorry. 

That’s a wrap. Those are the things that I’m thankful for this week.  Oh and please
don’t tell me what the royal baby’s name is or even whether he has been named.  I
think it’ll be a cool experiment to see how long I can avoid not knowing.  Plus, I’m
worried about what piece of information it may replace. I wouldn’t want to forget
about 1986, after all. 

This is a Ten Things of Thankful post Einsteined by the lovely Lizzi over at . Want to
come play? It’s easy! Come  and tell us what you’re thankful for this week. 
     _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

So, have you had enough?  Probably not.  Why not catch up with her at her site Finding Ninee that I supplied the link to above?  (Oh c'mon, I know it's not that hard to find!  Just play like you're a little above Bubba intelligence, okay?")  You'll not only see her comedic side, but her daily struggles, love, and efforts to provide her family a normal life under not so normal circumstances.  I guarantee you'll go back for more time and time again!  She has the Rumpleoneon Seal Of Approval!  (I've got to design that thing one day!)

Now, the bad news is that my Picture Links very seldom ever work.  I don't know why as I copy and paste the code exactly as it is, but they just don't work.  So, if you'd like to read more great bloggers tell you their 10 Things of Thankful, visit the page link at Finding Ninee . com, or at Lizzi Rogers fantastic blog at Considerings.  

Again, my sincerest thanks to Kristi for guest blogging today.  (Sure saved me a lot of work!)  Hope you enjoyed!  If you didn't ... well ... we need to talk.  Please leave her your comments below!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Memory Problems, Chain Letter Awards & Memory Problems!! Oh, and Memory Problems!

This has been a really strange week.

What week isn't in my life?

Still, it has been stranger than most in that it's already Friday, and I have no idea to where Sunday thru Thursday disappeared.  It seems as though my Rumpleoneon Calendar (in case you missed it click here) has started ruling my life before I've even drafted the petition.  

The previous five days are a blur.  (No, I'm not doing drugs ... have you got any?)  Between working eleven hour days, writing my personal blogs and a guest blog, and trying to find a night when I can go to bed without having previously passed out in my computer chair for 2-3 hours, I have little recollection of what's transpired.

My wife says, "You're just getting old!"

I say, "I love you, bitch, especially when you bitch!"

My wife replies, "You ass!"

I retort, "Spoken by the Queen of Asses, herself!  Once minor in size, her ass's prolific stature has grown over the years and seeks desperately to stretch down and kiss the freshness of Mother Earth  upon which her bare feet trod upon!"

After a moment of silence, she whispers, "You ass!"

I smile as she leaves the room so I can get back to writing this drivel.  At least now I have some written record of today in case it is forgotten like the rest.  I don't think she'll let me forget this conversation, though.  Her heat flashes seem to help her memory.

I wish I got heat flashes.  
My memory obviously needs help.  
So does this blog posting!

I have over 200 emails awaiting my attention.  I wonder how I ever became so popular with spammers?  I'm desperate to open Debbie's that states, "I've missed you and want you so badly" in the subject line.  (I'm guessing Little Debbie snack cakes are watching their stock fall as I've sworn off of sweets.)  

Actually, most are notifications of blogs that have been written by many of the great writers that I follow because I enjoy reading their work, and because they do comment on my ramblings from time to time.  It would be nice to be able to return the favor, but there is only so much time for me to do so.  Quitting my job would provide the time, but I fear it would be only temporary as my bills went unpaid.   Thus, I have re-entered the Twilight Zone of blogging etiquette.  You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  

I think I need an assistant!  Want to Apply?
Wanted: Someone that has a similar style of humor as my own, (Yes, I've already checked out the local mental institutions!) You will be expected to go to the blogs of others and make sarcastic comments on my behalf, answer all my blogging emails (as well as those to Little Debbie snack cakes), and find all my my pictures and ensure they are legal to use.  This is a voluntary, unpaid position for someone that has no desire to blog themselves, but wants to be known as a part of something below average.  Any with high aspirations need not apply.
 Speaking of those without high aspirations, it's once again time for



It is Friday, right?

This is when our wonderful hostesses (listed in the JPEG below) provide us with a prompt and expect us to bare our souls while we finish it in 753,472 words or less.  Oh, here's the JPEG I told you about:
Today's prompt is another one that took weeks to think up.  It's almost as good as last week's, which we'll ignore for now for sake of word count.  This week's prompt is:

"The best and worst parts of blogging are...."

... winning chain letter awards."

When you receive one of these awards, you have to wonder about the ulterior motives of the provider of that away.
1) Do they truly honor your work?
2)  Are the simply trying to find someone else to stick it to as
their sadistic nature takes control of their conscious state of being?

I was recently bestowed the tremendous honor of being awarded the Leibster/ Versatile Blogger Award for like the third or fourth time, by the illustrious JOY, guaranteed to bring you joy as she is always a joy to read at her joyful blog  I Can Say Mama.

I'm going to guess that JOY does truly honor my work and in good faith say, "Thank You For The Award" over and over until I believe it.  (Naw, she's really a good person, folks!  Not sadistic at all!  Put your whip away, Joy!  I said it already!)

So, now, comes what I hate most about blogging.  When a person wins an award in normal life, it is for efforts already made.  In the Blogmosphere, it entails additional efforts.  (As most of you know, my lazy streak surpasses most other personal traits.)  Some of these are supposedly to help those that are unfamiliar with you a little insight into what you're really like.  This award requires the recipient tell Seven Deep And Dark Secrets about themselves as the first requirement to be able to display the beautiful and artsy button you see above.  So, here are my seven secrets:

1)  I hate anchovies on a pizza.  These are wasted creatures of the sea that have no business swimming amid pepperoni, sausage, onions, green peppers, Canadian Bacon, and pineapple chunks.  You wouldn't take your goldfish out of their bowl and stick them on your ham sandwich would you?  Same principle!  

2)  I hate commercials.  My patience with the moronic value they present is gone the second they start.  Having experience in writing and being the voice talent on many radio and television spots, my insight as to what the business owner is actually trying to achieve.  90% of the time, their attitude is, "Make it as bad as possible so it will get attention!"  Knowing this, and seeing it presented over and over in the broadcast industry today, my opinion isn't likely to change any time soon.  However, there are exceptions to the rule.  Being a hetero male, I do have to say this one does grab my fancy.
(I know, it's sexist and it's Paris Hilton.  Even with those facts being known, 
it does make one curious about the other sandwich configurations they have there.)

3)  I despise the politically correct crowd.  These people have no balls.  They take offense at anything and everything, and try to have it banned for everyone else.  I don't care if you don't believe in God, feel as though you know what happened the night Trayvon Martin died, or feel as though a program you dislike should be taken off the air.  GET OVER IT!!!

No gun ever pulled its own trigger, no movie ever caused a person to go crazy (except, maybe, My Fair Lady), and no chain's attitude towards gays ever pushed a bill through Congress.  It is our responsibility as human beings to raise and support our youth, not the government's.  Their attempts in "No Child Left Behind" has only created a "No Child Gets Ahead."  It's so much easier to stay in power when the people that follow are stupid!

Life is a constant avenue of making choices.  Being a human being, you should relish in your individuality instead of trying to make everyone like yourself.  Take responsibility to teach your children right from wrong so video games and television programming won't be a factor in them committing an act of mass violence.  If you don't like something, tough!  That doesn't make it wrong.  It only makes it offensive to you.  Turn your head, go down a different street, or turn the f**king channel!  Stop concentrating on the bullsh*t and look through it to see what's really being said.  It just may keep you from being herded like cattle in the future.  You have choices.  Stop trying to limit mine!

4)  I am an extremely aggressive driver.  When I get behind the wheel, I do so for a purpose.  "I want to get to where I am going!"  I'm not there to watch you use your I-Phone to text your friend, see you eat your lunch, or browse the shops on the side of the road as I follow you at 25 mph under the speed limit.  Listening to the bass rattle your cheap ass car while you pimp to the chicks on the road side (blocking my efforts to travel the road normally) brings about a rage that has so far been controlled.  Still, remember, today's stress can make a person slip over the edge very easily.  Don't push me!

5)  My colors are backwards.  What?  As I was growing up, blue was always my favorite color.  However, attending Indiana University, red became the color to wear for loyalty.  Now, living in Kentucky, blue is the color found.  Yet, I'm still an Indiana University fan, which means I cannot ever be a Kentucky Wildcat fan.  So, I'm held prisoner in wearing the red of my team while living in a blue world.  The things we do for our Alma mater!

6)  Potato Chips, white enriched flour, and Payday candy bars put me into an immediate sleep.  Since becoming a borderline diabetic, I've found that there are some foods that I cannot eat and continue a normal life.  Any of the above listed food items or ingredients cause my system to drop out of consciousness within 45 minutes of ingestion.  I wake up, usually at the computer, hours later wondering, "What the f**k time is it?"  That means if I wish to stay awake at work, I can only eat a wheat bread sandwich or a salad.  Otherwise, when Pringles put me down, I might find myself unemployed.  Try explaining that at the Employment Office!

7)  I love wearing sweat pants around the house!  There is nothing like a pair of sweats.  They stretch when you need them to stretch, allow you the movement you need to operate without feeling your crotch is being scrunched by brother Levi, and they come off without effort when you're getting ready for bed ... to sleep. (At my age, what else is there?)  I had two pairs (one gray, one black) that I switched out loyally until last night, when a steak slid out of my plate as the plate slid off the keyboard.  (Yes, my eating habits are atrocious.)  Now, the gray ones look as if I had a night time accident of my teenage years in the crotch area, even after washing.  Time to go shopping again!

And that's it!  My usually witty and sarcastic blog has been filled with bullsh*t knowledge about me that no one really cares about.  That is the sin of a chain letter award.  

Now, I'm supposed to put on my evil hat and choose seven others to endure the trials and tribulations I have just suffered.

"Oh, The Humanities!!!!"

So, who do I choose?  Many that I know are just like me and have already been through this a few times.  Some just ignore it, and I even had one decide that she could change the rules and still wear the badge of distinction earlier in the year.  

It is with these thoughts I nominate the following bloggers.  Please forgive me.  Your blogs are worthy.  Let's hope you are still my friends after this.

And here are the official rules for the award to be displayed.

1) Thank and link to the person who gave you the award.
2) Tell seven facts about yourself.
3) Pass it on to seven other bloggers.
4) Link to specific posts on their blogs so they’ll be notified by pingback 

And so my evil deed is done.  I can wear the badge with honor as I run to escape the fury and wrath of those I've hexed.  May the blog force be with you all.

Oh, and unless someone decides to procrastinate, 
I'm going to have a very special guest blogger tomorrow.  
You just might want to stop by.  If nothing else, 
it will be a real change from my B.S. for you!  

Monday, July 22, 2013

Ten... No, Eleven Reasons I'm Not Going To FlogHer ... Er ... BlogHer

Most serious bloggers are taking their tails to BlogHer this week.

That should explain why 
I'm not going.

Plus, I still don't know if guys can go to BlogHer 
or not.

Is there such a thing as BlogHim?

Who knows?
Who cares?

Blog is complete.

Topic over.

Time for a nap.



What, you want ten reasons?  You've got to be kidding!  Okay, well let's get this over with and give the real Ten reasons that I'm not attending this highlight event of the blogging world.

Support my tons and warm my buns,
you'll always be my tail's delight!
1)  I love my computer chair.  When I learned that the airlines wouldn't allow me to carry it aboard with me, my heart was crushed.  How could I leave my chair, my fall asleep while writing bed, my molded to butt cheeks ass warmer that holds me so close and dear?  What if I returned with all my new found knowledge and someone had broken into my house and stole my precious home of glut solitude?  No, I just couldn't take the chance.

2)  I wanted to save my wife embarrassment.  If I would have attended, my wife would have accompanied me (as supervisor of the ankle bracelet the authorities attached during the early 70's and never removed).  My wife knows nothing about computers.  She can't even get online by herself.  She would have suffered unbound embarrassment listening to speaker after speaker give discussions on subjects she couldn't understand.  Loving her as I do, I couldn't subject her to that kind of experience so late in her life.  "Damn It!  What do you mean you forgot to bring me my Diet Coke?"  

Just remember, you neutered me first!
 I can always return the favor!
3)  My cats threatened me with castration should I leave them for a week.  As I am the one to feed them nightly, they know how important I am to their lives.  To lose me to a possible plane crash or even a BlogHer/Him maniac with a loaded keyboard, would be a terrible loss for them to endure. 

 So, instead of taking a chance, they both approached me last week and made me a promise.  "No matter what you would gain by going, it won't compare to what you'd lose if you don't stay home."  As they've been sharpening their claws and staring at my crotch daily, I've followed their lead and recognized the importance of keeping a family together.  Besides, the real jewels are always kept at home, right?

4)  My guns need cleaning.  Who knows when the country will break out in a civil war, or wild gangs will run wild in the streets.  A person has got to be able to be prepared for the extremes.  So, every now and then I have to take out all my guns and give them a thorough cleaning, just in case the drones and helicopters start flying overhead, again.  Besides, the medicinal crops in the hydroponic grow units in the basement are almost ready to harvest.  A man's gotta protect his investments!

Hope you're not eating right now!
No, they're not mine ... but close!
5)  I have to cut my toenails.  Occasionally, it comes down to either purchasing new socks or cutting toenails.  Having gone a little too long between cuttings, the purchasing of new socks has depleted the funds that were being earmarked for air fare, hotel, and food expenses.  So, I've sharpened the axes, fine tuned the steel files, and rented a jackhammer to attack the masses of toe jam and protein that have built up over the past decade.  It's a rough job, but someone's got to do it.

6)  My wife wants me home to protect her from her own emotions during America's Got Talent.  Howie, Howard, Heidi & Mel are just too much for her to handle by herself as they crush the dreams of contestants vying for the coveted spot of Finalist.  Her tears, smiles, tension filled moments, and relief during the voting moments will have to be supervised by me to protect the neighbors from harm. (Especially with the clean guns now fully ready for action in the house.)

Nothin' like enjoying the wide open spaces!!!
7)  The outhouse needs cleaning.  Damn neighbors had a party the other night and I let three of their family members sleep in it to get outta the rain.  Hell, even made it tough to take a morning leak the next day when I was gettin' ready for work. Damn people didn't clean up after themselves at all, and even let their dogs in to use the facilities.  Unfortunately, none were trained to hit the holes.  Now, every time the wife or I have to go do as nature demands, we're steppin' in dog sh*t.  I'd hoped it would get hard and be easy to sweep out if I let it go a couple of days.  Gonna have to check it out soon and make sure the wife isn't overcome by the smell in the heat of the day.

8)   I have a driving need to watch Titanic for the 30th time.  There's something about seeing a long ship plug deeply and sink straight into a big ocean, right after watching a nude scene with a beautiful woman wearing a solitary jewel, that's kind of sensual.  Now that it's on my mind, I feel a stirring in my soul, as well as my underwear.  "Got the outhouse clean yet, honey?"

9)  I have too many blogs to write!  It's a shame when you can't do something because you're busy doing the same thing that you could be learning about.  But, isn't learning doing?  If you're not doing, then why worry about learning?  But, if you're not learning, could your doing be wrong?  How could doing be wrong if you're learning by doing?  (God, I'm getting dizzy)  I don't because I did, but I don't because I do!  (Scary ...that almost makes sense even to me, lol.)

10)  And, the final reason I'm not going this week is that my belly button needs vacuuming.  There's nothing like a Hoover roaring in the evening as the hose attaches itself to your belly button and draws out the masses of lint that have accumulated over the decades.  You stand there, enjoying the light of day, engrossed in the ecstasy, feeling the vibration of the Hoover suck free the globs of oil soaked threads from your stomach  crater.  And, when you're done, it is truly amazing how many others do the same as soon as they, too, finish washing their cars!

So, if I could go to BlogHer, these would be the reasons that I couldn't go.  And, if BlogHer is strictly for the female gender, then none of these reasons would matter unless I had a sex change operation.  This could also limit my available funding, so I probably wouldn't be able to attend anyway.  Then, I'd be a male in a female body.

Hmmmm, sounds like a winning blog to me!!!

I could entitle it, "A Man In She!"

No, that sounds too much like porn.

Okay, how about, "Rich is Inside"?

No, still porn sounding.

I know, "That's Life ... Sometimes!!!"

(Rich, you shameless self promoting fool! You're a genius!)

Oh, and before I forget ... here's reason eleven!!!!

I have to celebrate 
the birth of the new PRINCE!!!!!!!

Hail to the Prince!
Long Live the Queen!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

The New Calendar ... minus Mondays!

**Recently, I was approached to participate in this hop by one so innocent.

"Forgive them Father, 
they know not what they do!"

 I will not mention  publicly, for fear of vicious retaliation to her by those who have read my stuff and know better.

So, being one to always demonstrate my ability to ignore Political Correctness and shall we say, "Shake the tree" a little, I'm going to add my two cents to this hop today.

"I'll try to be gentle!" 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 Whoopee ... 
Golly Gee ... 
I'm So Excited, I Just Can't Hide It ...

It's MONDAY again!


Attempting not to be too 
extraneous with vocabulary, let 
me simply say,


No, I'm not being facetious.  I 
really could care less if I ever 
experienced another Monday.

(That is, as long as the some of the other days of the week were still around!  Damn sure don't want to be totally absent!  I'd probably be put in the ground if that would happen.  You know ... passed on ... traveling to that big comedy club in the sky ... playing the hot club circuit in Hell ... a "previous" friend to all, lover of some, and foe of the Politically Correct ... 
Dead, Damn It, Dead!)

So, if you're like me, and despise the first day of the week, here's my plan.  Mind you, it may not be perfect in the eyes of the upper crust income slurpers that depend on syphoning funds from  the "little people" to allow them to afford their $3,000 a night hotel stays in Vegas, but I think most will be fairly satisfied with it. 

For sake of bloated ego, I call it the "Rumpleoneon Calendar!"

(That's pronounced, "Rumple-O-Knee-Un", just in case you were struggling with it.)
Wasted Monday!
Who even wants to work on that day?
First off, we eliminate Monday from the calendar.  Very few normal people can actually say they love that day so let's have the majority rule and simple get rid of it!

It's gone!

Now, Tuesdays really aren't much better than Mondays.  The only good things about them is that they're not Mondays and are one day closer to the weekend.  Since Mondays are no longer on the calendar, there's really not much reason to keep Tuesdays around.  So, away they go!

Tuesdays are gone!  (Just like Lynyrd Skynrd sang).

But I gotta have a day to hump!!!

Now, Wednesdays are known as "Hump Day" and supposed to be the top of the heap that starts the slide into the weekends.  However, since Mondays and Tuesdays no longer exist, there is no need for a hump day!  (Sorry all you horny assed camels, you'll have to find another day to hump!)  

Oops, there go the Wednesdays!

Gotta make it to Friday!
Gotta make it to Friday!

I've never understood Thursdays.  It's the day that government employees work the hardest (which means they actually answer the phone once an hour), so they can take off half a day on Friday.  Besides that, everyone else is tired from working all week and can't wait until the weekend start.  All you hear all day is, "God, only one more day after today until the weekend.  I can't wait!"   So, again, since popularity demands and majority rules, away with Thursdays!

No more Thursdays!

So, we are now at Fridays.  Fridays are cool!  No one hates Fridays, besides bosses that are looking for fools to work the weekend for slave wages.  Since Friday seems to be the most popular work day of the week, and since we all have to work to earn an income, let's earn a week's worth of income by working Fridays!  

So, this is how the new Rumpleoneon calendar will line up.  Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays have been eliminated.  We are left with Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.  This will leave us with approximately ten paydays per month, or ten weeks worth of income every 30 days.  That means, for a person currently earning $40,000 per year, their household income would increase to $93,307 per year.  

Wall Street is freaking out about now!

In addition, you would have two thirds of the year to either enjoy the family, work on hobbies, masturbate, watch an escalated schedule of professional ball games (so the high paid athletes would finally earn some of the money they squander), or just screw off at your favorite porn site.  It would also provide bloggers with much more free time to write, instead of having to balance work, blogging and personal obligations and responsibilities!  And, perhaps the best thing about this would be that the scummy, stinking, sweaty, grody, lice infested Bubba standing in the Wal-Mart line in front of you (that you've volunteered three times to buy deodorant for, would have a much shorter time between Saturday night baths!!!

So, if you're in agreement with the Rumpleoneon calendar, let's get a petition up and start getting signatures.  It should be easy, especially now that you have all that free time!

But somewhere, there's a forgotten voice crying out, 

"I like Mondays!"

There's always an assh*** in every crowd!