Yeah, I know ... you're shaking in your shoes.
'Tis the season to scare and be scared. The season is right for goblins, demons, witches, werewolves, vampires, zombies, mummies, and all other creatures of the supernatural to come forth and rule the world for an evening. Halloween is soon to be upon us!
As a child, I used to relish the idea of Trick or Treating. Living in the country, I never get to take advantage of going out and collecting candy. My father worked nights most of the time and my mother couldn't drive. This meant I spent most Halloweens glued to the television watching old black and white monster movies. Finally, when I turned nine years old, I had my first chance to go out and experience what all the other kids had been talking about for years.
Here are some of the things I learned that evening:
- People love to give cheap candy. Name brands are scarce. Normally, the cheap varieties of taffy and other teeth pulling chewables await. This is done to assist the parents in getting rid of the kid's baby teeth without going through the formality of tying a string onto a door knob and watching the child squirm and sweat the final moments before the door is slammed shut. Damn taffy makers all over the world!
- Store bought Halloween costumes are meant to barely survive one evening's journey. I had a Frankenstein outfit to parade around the city blocks. One slip on a slick curb and the entire inside seam of the right leg burst apart all the way up to the crotch. So, I'm saying, "Trick or Treat" with one leg of my costume flapping in the wind. It did make it much easier to go to the bathroom though, I must admit.
- People who give candy can demand your name just so they can put a "Who?" type of look on their face when they realize they don't have the slightest clue as to who you are. It's almost like they don't care if you're a kid or not, they're candy is reserved only for those they know and no others. I felt like going back a second time to these folks just so they'd recognize me and feel better about forking over the sweets.
- Fat kids have candy given to them by the givers and skinny kids get to reach into the bowls themselves. I was a fat kid, so I was an immediate threat to the candy bowl. It was though they thought my hands would grow into gigantic sizes and scoop every bit of candy into my bag, leaving nothing for anyone else. My hands never grew an inch during Trick or Treating, but my disgust for this type of attitude grew with each stop it occurred. I remember saying to one giver, "Do make sure Gary gets more than me. I need more fat friends." To this day, I wonder if they ever figured out what I was talking about.
- Teenagers love to chase younger kids with bags of candy. Again, being a fat kid, my running speed was equal to that of a crawling baby, especially with a flapping costume leg attempting to wrap itself around both ankles. I barely made it back to my friend's parents car without having to go home empty handed. This did help me to validate doing the same to younger kids in the future when I became a teenager. Besides, who wants a bunch of fat little kids roaming around the neighborhood?
Lying there, I let my anger seep out and the fear seep in. It was the night of the full moon and it was shining brightly in the window beside me. Something flew by my window (which I just knew was a vampire bat or a witch riding her broom) and I pulled the magical covers up over my head for protection. (Yeah, I believed that crap just like you did!)
That was the night I gave my life to Satan and became a worshiper of the devil. Since then, I've hunted Trick or Treaters all over the world and kidnapped them to later bury them alive. Then, when the parents would cry on television over their missing children, I'd sit back with my demon cat, Gabriela, and get a stomach ache from laughing so hard. In fact, your children may be my victims this year ... you never know!
I know, that's not very funny.
But, it'll teach your ass for giving out cheap candy to fat kids!
By the way, got an extra Snickers lying around anywhere?
|"You really don't think he's joking, do you?"|
This week, I'm thankful for:
1) The Keene Pumpkin Festival Riots. Police had to resort to wearing riot gear to break up a riot in which fires were set, cars were overturned, and rocks and bottles were being thrown. New Hampshire's public liberal arts college students, and other members of the community, were enjoying the evening's festivities when a few started throwing bottles, rocks, skateboards, and, according to one student, "Anything they could get their hands on to throw."
A few students were saddened greatly as they feared the night's violence would hinder future expectations, hopes and dreams. Said one student, "If this keeps the Great Pumpkin from coming this year, I'm really going to be pissed!"
2) McDonald's Security Guards. A security guard attempted to get four unruly customers to leave the local McDonald's last week. However, one of the customers decided to instead start a fight with the security guard. In an effort to protect himself, the guard shot off his weapon. Fortunately for the fighting customer, it missed him. Unfortunately for the female in the bunch, the bullet entered her wrist. Police arrested all four of the customers. However, if a lady received millions of dollars for spilling hot coffee in her lap years ago, you can imagine what this one will receive. If I were the CEO of McDonalds, this is how I'd pay future judgements:
|"I'm Next! |
White House, here I come!"
4) Dancing Helps Teach Math. A dance instructor is now using her trade to help teach math skills to students. It seems since the "No Child Gets Ahead" system went into place, children are missing the standard skills necessary to succeed in life. So, the "1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4", and the occasional "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8" are at least teaching the order of the numbers most children have only heard about. (God, this is so damn sad ... but true! No wonder no one can make change these days without a computer telling them how much to give back!)
5) Britney Spears. Remember all the troubles this lady went through? Well, seems Las Vegas is her kind of place. Originally, Britney signed up for a payday of $30 million dollars for a two year contract there. However, since she's been so successful, she's been given a raise now totaling $1 million dollars a week. (Let's see, if I marry a POS scumbag, divorce them, forget to wear underwear and spread my legs getting out of my SUV, and make a fool out of myself daily, perhaps I could earn that kind of money! Damn, already tried that. Doesn't happen.)
6) North Korea. What's the country that has demonstrated the worst paranoia concerning the Ebola virus? No, it's not the United States ... it's Korea! In fact, for fear of the epidemic touching its populace, Korea has announced that NO foreign tourists will be allowed inside of its borders. There is no word as to how long the fear factor will be in order, nor if even political diplomats will be included. (This ruins my chances of visiting their fantastic prison system and spending my vacation there. OMG, I'm so damn disappointed. Oh well, there's always Central Africa!)
|"So, with no one coming in, what do you think|
our chances are of being able to get drunk
and get a couple of tickets to New York City?
We'll be back before the ever miss us!"
7) New York City. In a related story, New York City now has joined the popularity ranks of the Ebola craze and has its first case on file. Dr. Craig Spencer tested positive for the virus on Thursday, and will soon have his own fan club of New Yorkers that were afraid they'd be left out of the news craze concerning the epidemic. Hoping to spread the wealth after treating patients for the virus in Africa, Dr. Spencer's activities included riding the famed New York City subway system and bowling. (Isn't it nice to know that a New Yorker can be known for his generosity in demonstrating "it's so much better to give than receive?")
|"Ebola, Ebola ... who else has got the Ebola???"|
8) Honey Boo Boo Cancellation. The Learning Channel has temporarily cancelled further episodes of the "...Honey Boo Boo" series due to a love relationship between Honey Boo Boo's mother and a convicted sex offender. As it's known that "Mama June" is not married, her choice in future mates is in real question. This has caused TLC to reconsider filming future episodes, especially since the child that was attacked by the past offender was an 8 year old relative of Mama June. (Can't you just hear Mama June saying, "Well, iffen he was good enough fer her, he's good enuff fer Honey Boo Boo! Go git cher swim suit on, Honey Boo Boo. It's time fer pictures!")
9) Sen. Mitch McConnell. The long time Senator from Kentucky is building a reputation for himself in his home state by running one of the dirtiest smear campaigns in state history. A campaign is so negative it is beginning to turn his support voters to the opponent. Well known for this type of tactic working for him in past campaigns, the senator has authorized numerous ads depicting Alison Grimes as a pawn of President Obama, a traitor to her fellow Kentuckians, and the biggest liar in political history. This campaign has become ridiculous, with 9 out of 10 ads smearing Grimes instead of telling what Mitch could or would accomplish, that even fellow Republicans are sick of seeing them on television. (Yes, Mitch, I said, "Turning your supporters away! You're proving that you've something to hide with your Senate residency. We're sick of hearing this crap on television. Just admit that you are both political scum, accept it, collect all the special interest money that's made you a millionaire many times over, and shut the hell up!")
|"Space ... my new|
frontier. These are the
voyages of the Mars crew
O'Donnell's damsels. Their
mission, to boldly go where
no man has ever gone
before ... nightly!"
10) Female Mars Crew. Studies have found that women expend half the calories of men in space missions. Thus, half the food would be necessary. Half the food would mean half the weight. NASA is considering an all women crew on a future mission to Mars because of this. (Already, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Anderson Cooper have volunteered. "Enjoy the trip!")
* * * * * * * * *
And that's going to do it for this edition of
"Ten Things Of Thankful."
Remember, this Halloween,
when the kids come in from Trick or Treating
and are all smiles and giggles,
KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF
OF THEIR CANDY!
OF THEIR CANDY!
P.S. As I wrote this on Thursday evening, a couple of events took place that need further review. I apologize for the added length, but here are those items.
11) Man Attacks Police In New York City. Four rookie policemen were the target of a man and his hatchet. As the police officers walked down the street, a man crouched down, pulled a hatchet from his backpack, and charged at the group. Injuries were sustained by one of the officers before the attacker (a recent convert to Islam) was shot and killed. (I'm sure the officers heard the attacker scream, "Damn you, the United States, and the Great Pumpkin!")
12) Night Owling Is Good For You. According to studies at several European universities, being a night owl is a good thing. These studies show that Night Owls are: 1) More Creative, 2) Have a Higher I.Q., 3) Benefit from Night Strength, 4) Score Higher on General Intelligence Exams, and 5) Can Remain Mentally Alert for More Hours Than Early Birds. (Being a Night Owl, I wholeheartedly concur. Please excuse me, though. It is now time for my nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
(Okay, this time I'm gone for sure!)