Friday, February 21, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Fantasy, Miley Cyrus, The Pentagon and Donuts

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Have you ever just wanted to be creative?

I don't mean the typical "humorous / sarcastic" stuff that will follow here soon, but something really creative?

Say that you're driving down a street.  A street that you know well as you travel it everyday.  Suddenly, the donut shop you've stopped at a million times is no longer there.  (Neither are the twenty police cars you normally see!)  Instead, you're observing a Western scene.  One, in which, includes a couple of really rugged looking characters in 1870’s cowboy garb are giving you strange looks as you drive by.  You hear shots and notice the dust spots rising around you.  Time to get out of town!  

The further you drive, the wilder the landscape gets. In your mind, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My" repeats over and over.  You begin to hear more gunshots and immediately find yourself witnessing a historic battle.  The noble red man is putting one over on this long haired blonde guy (with pie on his face) and his troops at the top of a grassy hill.  An arrow crashes through one of the windows of your SUV (piercing your hazard light button) and you give it the gas to head out of danger, honking the horn and scaring horses and feathered riders alike.  You giggle as you see both defecating all over themselves!

Cresting the hill, you're suddenly finding yourself on a freeway filled with vehicles from the 1960's.  You're thinking, "Hey, this is pretty cool!  There must be an antique car show going on somewhere close."  That is, those are your thoughts until you see a billboard promoting Lady Bird Johnson's "Don't be a Litterbug" campaign.  

You stop to pick up a couple of kids dressed like hippies.  They start talking about a new band they just saw in California called the Grateful Dead.  New band?  Hell, didn't Jerry Garcia die a couple of years ago?  A cigarette lighter clicks in the backseat and suddenly the SUV is filled with the aroma of burning grass ... the illegal type (unless you're in Colorado or Washington).  You think, "Hell, it's been years ... why not?"

It's about that time you see flashing lights following you down the highway.  You turn to tell the hitchhikers to put out the joint and find no one there.  Even the smell is only a memory.  Somewhat confused, you pull over to the side of the road.

The lights, once in your rearview mirror, are now overhead.  You're completely engulfed in an ocean of colors rotating around you.  That's when you find yourself wishing you'd had more time to inhale more of the joint your hitchhikers had lit.  

The SUV is rising!  There is no shaking going on, only the steady hum of electric gyro engines above lifting you higher and higher into the air.  You open your window and look down to see the highway start to resemble a strand of spaghetti with tiny ants crawling upon it.  However, you're not afraid.  Even though heights have always caused you to cringe in dread, you're full of excitement an the desire to experience even more.

Shifting you attention above you, you see the bottom of an alien spaceship slowly opening.  "OMG, I'm not into anal probes" runs through your mind.  You see an alien looking at another and vehemently saying, "Damn it, can't you pick you the ones that enjoy probing?"  

"I can't help it if you always go to Kansas to pick up specimens" the other replies.

Suddenly, your direction is shifted downward.  Faster and faster you drop.  The Earth is getting larger and larger much too quickly.  You check your seatbelt to make sure it's tight, and then realize your butt is going to be the recipient of the major part of the impact!  Sadly, there's no airbag for that!  Luckily, you're a McDonald's freak and have built up sufficient padding for any type of landing!

You crash atop a shipping container aboard a ship in the Atlantic and burst through the roof.  Things go black for a moment as the walls against the sides of your SUV keep the sun from entering.  Almost immediately, the container door opens and you find yourself driving out into a shipping yard.  Longshoremen are screaming obscenities (You think they could scream anything else?) as you drive away, yelling something about needing your passport.  

You burst through the yard's gates with your SUV and begin to hear police sirens in the distance.  You take a right and find a donut shop that you've stopped at a million times, and all twenty police cars are there and accounted for.  So, you stop and get a dozen of glazed to take home.  

Finally, you pull into your garage, park your SUV, and pet your dog. At that point, you decide to carry the donuts inside the house before they get cold.

In the background, your dog mutters, "So, you don't like anal probes?"

No matter, you're thankful.  Thankful for having experienced the fantasy and for just being home.  So thankful, you sit down, boot up your computer, and begin a blog hop.  The hop is called, "Ten Things of Thankful."  And, it catches on quickly.  

Almost overnight, you're a superstar named Lizzi!  People come from near and far just to hear your accent.  They bring you fish 'n chips by the millions.  Not being selfish, you share them with all the hungry people of the world.  Now, you're a hero!  Not just a hero in your own country, but of the entire world.

Governments get together and elect you to rule the Earth.  You choose the beaches of Nassau as your government's headquarters.  Things go well until a hurricane comes and devastates the island.  Later, you find things aren't quite the same as people refuse to give back what you've given them.  Throwing your hands up, you settle on just keeping the blog hop going and praying that one day you'll once again be the ruler of the world.

And then, you wake up!

This week, I'm thankful for:

"Tickets for the Bangerz tour ... oops, wrong pic ...
Police were temporarily subdued by individuals
spraying them with deodorant ... an unknown
chemical to most of them!"
1)  Protesters in Kiev.   Having been restrained and being exceptionally tired of having more and more rights taken away from them, protesters in Kiev spoke loudly against the government of the Ukraine by standing up against police actions against them.  They have had water cannons used against them, various forms of gas and rubber bullets shot at them, and now, they're even standing up to the government's latest actions of using live sniper fire to eliminate them.  Their actions have our government backing them, not realizing that, one day soon, their protests may be educational films for Americans that are tired of individual freedoms and outrageous taxation for ridiculous pet projects, and wish to do the same type of protesting here on native soil!  ("It's only just begun" as the Carpenters would've sang!)

2)  Sbarro.  This restaurant chain is closing 155 of its locations.  As pizza is no longer the food of choice for teenagers, and mall hopping is no longer the local hangout for the "In" crowd, Sbarro has been suffering economic depression.  To most of us, this only brings one thought, "What the hell is Sbarro?"

3)  Captain Phillips.  The movie "Captain Phillips" (which starred Tom Hanks) is reaching hard to have a sequel.  Two Americans have just been found dead on the captain's ship, the Maersk Alabama.  The ship is still sailing the seas of Eastern Africa, as it did in the movie, and is in constant danger from pirates, as are most vessels in this area.  Hollywood is considering making a sequel called "Captain Phillips II", with Johnny Depp bringing back his role as Captain Jack Sparrow as the new man in charge.  (Aye, matey!)

4)  Powerball.  The 425 million dollar winning ticket was sold in Milpitas, California this week.  Milpitas is a small town just north of San Jose.  The winner will have the option of taking the cash payout of 242.2 million dollars.  The state of California is please that the winner is from there, and is awaiting the millions of dollars it will receive in taxes to pay for the new "Miley and Justin Go Home" billboards they've ordered.  

"Don't you like my cowgirl boots and bare butt ...
well, dontcha???"
5)  Miley Cyrus.  "Good morning, boys and girls.  Miley is not a child.  Miley's show is not for children.  Miley does many bad things during her show.  Things your parents did, and some still do, in their bedroom.  You shouldn't learn about these things from Miley.  You should learn about them like every other school kid learns about them ... by reading all the stuff written on the walls of the bathroom stalls.  That way, you'll know right from wrong!"

Yeah, Miley's at it again and thousands of parents that still envision Miley as Hannah Montana are upset.  Seems they dropped off their youngsters at her "Bangerz" concerts so the parents could have some privacy to screw around, and found their kids were learning about such things at the show.  (Will people ever use their common sense and stop being dumbasses?  The damn name of the concert should have been a warning ... geeeesh!!!!  Did you think it was like using hammers on Lego pieces or what?)  

And I'll take some Fried Rice with that!
6)  The Pentagon.  "Made in China?"   Yep, the United States purchases over $3.3 million dollars of American Flags each year ... from China!  That's right, our own flag is imported and sold to the United States Government, flown over capitols, state houses, courthouses, and even the Pentagon with a little tag on them that read, "Made In China."  Nothing like supporting your own country's manufacturers, is there?  

The Pentagon is now saying, "NO MORE."  Although trade agreements may allow the government to do this, the military is not accepting to fly any flag unless it's made in the United States.  (Isn't is strange that a military that fights for its country and supports the people and manufacturer's of its country are so forgotten by its country?)

7)  Wal-Mart Profits.   Wal-Mart reported a 21% drop in profits over the fourth quarter of 2013.  They blame it on food stamps expiration, stiff competition, and a payroll tax hike.  In addition, profits seem to be down in 2014 due to the same already mentioned, as well as bad weather.  (Welcome to the real world you money hungry bastards!)

8)  U.S. bombs own base.  A video has been released showing the United States accidentally dropped a 500 lb. bomb, meant for the Taliban, close to its own base.  The U.S. Air Force is calling the incident a "major mistake."  (No sh*t!!!  Turn off the Miley Cyrus concert videos and get the damn coordinates right next time!)

"And I'll Huff, And I'll Puff, And I'll Blow Your  ...
Wait A Minute ... Miley's using that line in her
Bangerz concert tour!"
9)  Luge.  Luge is considered to be the most dangerous sport at the Olympics.  Traveling at speeds around 90 mph atop a small sled with nothing around you is definitely a rush.  

However, walking the halls to go to the bathroom in Sochi just became the second most dangerous activity.  Seems the wolves, real wolves, tend to roam the hallways at night.  In a related story, this years group of athletes have taken up a new night time pass time.  It's called "Let's take a piss out the window!"

10)  The Olympics.  Hey, they're just about over!  Not as enjoyable this year as in year's past due to the lousy coverage provided by NBC that never let you know who the competitors were (since a name and country tag on the screen would have been too much work).  Now, we can get back to the really important viewing like The Voice, The Blacklist, and re-runs of Duck Dynasty.  (Lord help us all, please!)

*     *     *     *     *
So, that's it for another week.  Ten Things of Thankful has come to a close.  Time to get into the SUV and go back for more donuts!

Anal probe, anyone?