Friday, January 31, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Super Bowl, Grammy's, and the Outhouse!

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It's Super Bowl Weekend!!!


This is the one weekend of the year where the lovers of pro football proclaim to have an excuse to get loud, rowdy, and ridiculous, and those that hate pro football can do as they always do ... "bitch, bitch, bitch!"

As with all Super Bowls, there is controversy preceding game day.  Already, Scarlett Johansson has been forced to eliminate her words "Coke" and "Pepsi" from an ad that will air during the game.  I'm happy to hear that.  Now, I can have plenty of time to prepare the grandchildren to avoid those nasty words by covering their ears just in case some fan utters them during a quick shot cutaway!

What do you want to bet both 
Coke and Pepsi will have ads 
airing during the day?

There is also a group of individuals in New York City that were arrested because of their planned activities on that fateful day.  Seems as though they were selling cocaine and sex packages to clients who wanted to have an excuse to get a little more than the stadium had to offer.  

Can't you envision some 400 lb. businessman from Nebraska doing a New York hooker doggy style yelling, "Omaha!  Omaha!"   
(Sorry, that vision belongs on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom!)

There's also been much made of the fact that both Colorado and Washington are the two states in the union that have legalized the usage of marijuana, and are the two states that have Super Bowl contenders.  This ought to make the game interesting!

"Hey dude, what play did he just call?"

"Damned if I know.  But don't worry about it, he's stoned, too!  If you screw up and he starts to give you any crap, just tell him that he forgot the play and pass him the joint.   It's all cool!"

"But, I'm almost out, dude! My jockstrap can only hold so much!"

"Hey, just ask the coach for more.  Who do you think he's talking to through his headset, anyway?  It's Marijuana Mama Woo, always deliver to you!"

"Oh, wow, man!  ... I think we just missed the play!"

I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of Gatorade consumed during this game.  (Damn cotton mouth, anyway!)  Beware tokers, there's only 20 oz. or less size soft drinks sold!  You'll definitely get your exercise going back and forth from your seat to the concession stands!  

Can't you see Monday's headlines ... 

28 Super Bowl ticket holders die of heart attacks 
en route to stadium concession stands!  
One survivor proclaims, "They kept hushing me every time I said Coke!  
I almost died and they killed Kenny!  Those bastards!"

The New York City Police Department is readying itself for the multitude of pot that will be brought into the city this weekend.  Most have been seen visiting head shops and purchasing various smoking devices so that medical marijuana confiscated won't go to waste!  Also, the city's donut shops are preparing themselves for a munchies epidemic by the men in blue, and Dr. Pepper is bringing in extra supplies.  (Since saying, "Dr. Pepper" is still legal!)

So, if you get around to it, enjoy the game!  

I hope your team wins, as long as it's my team!

It's time for another Ten Things of Thankful!

Yeah, the other stuff was just the appetizer.

Lizzi and her 555 com padres that host this have a goal in mind.  I've been told it's to express a degree of thankfulness each and every week to assist in helping people to see that all is not hopeless in our hopeless world in which we attempt to survive.  

I think Lizzi's been sampling some medical marijuana.

Still, I shall attempt to follow suit and present my Ten Things of Thankful.  I say attempt ... which always leaves room for error.  Still, you gotta give a guy credit for trying!

I'm Thankful For ...

...and then,
the zombies began appearing!
1)  ...Georgia politicians.  
The state of Georgia had snow this week.  That, in itself, is a shocker.  What isn't a shocker is the way they handled it.  Why?  Because politicians never do a damn thing to prepare for the rarities.  They're all too busy trying to find ways to steal tax dollars for 1) pet projects, 2) political favor repayments, and 3) future campaign funding.  Why should they have a disaster plan for snow when it almost never snows?  Now, the Blame Game is going on, some underling scapegoats will be accused and lose their jobs, and the head honchos will continue scamming the public.  La-De-Da, La-De-Da ... things never change!
This year, we're having
only one grammy awarded.
It's to the record producers
that made all music sound
the same!

2)  ... The 2014 Grammy Awards.  Not learning a thing about controversy from the earlier Miley Cyrus event last year, the Grammy's immediately started programming with a semi-naked Beyonce filling the screen.  Of course, since the sound mixing at this year's show was among the worst ever experienced, most couldn't decipher what the hell she was trying to sing.  This year's show also had 1) Robin Thicke's vocals blasting too loud to hear anything Chicago was trying to play or sing, 2) Stevie Wonder being drowned out by Pharrell Williams and Daft Punk Robot Wars, 3) Ringo Starr reminding all of us that he really can't sing, 4) Paul McCartney reminding us that his days of writing great songs are over, 5) Country Greats Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard and Kris Kristofferson reminding us that Willie's bus is the New Colorado Medical Marijuana Center, and that 6) Taylor Swift is still trying to make others look bad instead of admitting she's an actor/singer groupie.  Another great show, just like always!

3)  ... Connecticut's Federal Judge Alfred Covello.  In declaring Connecticut's new gun law constitutional, his actions suggest that guns are human beings and have a mind of their own.  In addition, he has allowed one to believe that man need not be accountable for his actions as guns can always be blamed.  Judge Covello has now gained his place in the "I'm a Dumb Ass" Hall of Fame for not recognizing that any item can be used to end human life, but it is the person who uses it that is the guilty party and steps to curb this behavior is the only way to effectively prevent the loss of human life. (**See number five for an accurate example.) 
On a side note, stabbings are expected to escalate, which has steakhouses in Connecticut running scared that knives will join guns as forbidden articles.  And, after several deaths were attributed to this last week's snowstorms, snow is also banned from falling from the sky.  God has stated he will appeal!

Oh well, I guess I'll just stay
home and watch the game
and get high!
4)  ... New York's Mayor Bill de Blasio.  In a press conference, it was learned that the mayor will not be attending the Super Bowl because he can't afford the $500 to $2500 tickets.  The mayor only makes $225,000 a year in his position.  With a son in college, he says his budget for disposable income is stretched.  Since New York forbids public officials from taking free tickets, he's going to sit at home and watch the game on TV.  Sounds like a good way to avoid the traffic jams, obnoxious fans, and the deaths of those trying to get something to drink, discussed earlier.  (If you missed that, stop scanning!)

5)  ... Federal Prosecutors.  It has just been announced that Federal Prosecutors will be seeking the Death Penalty against the surviving Boston Marathon bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.  As he and his brother protested American violence in Muslim countries by supposedly placing pressure cooker bombs along the marathon route.  If proven guilty, my suggestion would be to put him in a bomb proofed room with a pressure cooker bomb in each corner.  If he could dodge all the ball bearings and other metallic objects inside of the bombs once exploded, he could go free.  If not ... well, let's just say he wouldn't be attending any more marathons.  (Oh, c'mon ... don't even tell me you don't think giving him what he gave others is wrong.  Why let him enjoy a protected life in prison filled with television and sex when others are either maimed, dead, or mentally scarred forever?)  
C'mon, you remember me ...
don't you?

6)  ... State of the Union Address.  This week’s State of the Union Address by President Obama received the worst viewing ratings of any address given since the year 2000.  This is attributed to half of Atlanta being stuck on the Interstate’s in a snow storm, a general feeling of disgust and frustration involving any politician, and the most dangerous adventures of Swamp People was airing on cable at the same time.  Obama was happy with the ratings.  It was rumored he was overheard saying, “If they didn’t watch, they can’t say I said it!  I‘ve just gained plausible deniability!”

7)  ... Inside Plumbing.  The recent cold snap, in addition to catching a few episodes of “Buying Alaska” have reminded me how wonderful indoor plumbing is to have.  My grandparents had an outhouse for most of my elementary school years.  My mother was in the hospital quite often, which meant my staying at the grandparents meant literally freezing one’s ass off
The masochistic torture chamber.  
Politicians beware, keep acting
like asses and your ass cheeks
are ours!!!!!
first thing on a cold Winter morning.  When you wake up, the last thing on the Good Times list is to walk outside, trudge through the snow, bare your butt, and place your cheeks upon a wood base that’s been exposed to below zero temperatures all night.  It was dangerous, too!  I remember running back to the porch one snowy morning, jumping up (instead of using the steps), and finding my shin meeting the underside cement corner as my landing foot slid off in the snow.  I still have an indentation where my skin tore away to the bone, which was also chipped in the event.  No, let my butt sit down on a warm seat while I light a cigarette and am attacked by two attention seeking cats, instead of the outhouse ass freezing experience any day of the week!    

8)  ... Facebook.  Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook is tossing around a new idea.  Instead of using real names all the times, he thinks it might be time to allow some anonymity and allow users to create fake names.  After all, he’s been using one for years!  (Really, have you ever heard of anyone seriously named Zuckerberg?)  Of course, in using fake names, people wouldn’t have to be as aware of their need to exhibit some semblance of politeness and common sense.  In lieu of this, Facebook may announce a name change for the site if this takes place.  “Welcome to Assbook!”

9)  ... Credit Card Scammers.  The Better Business Bureau has announced that you need to search your credit card bill for small charges (in particular one for $9.84) that may not be valid.  It seems scammers that took Target and other companies for a ride a month ago are now hitting cards for small charges that may go unnoticed.  They figure “hit a million cards for $10 each and get $10 million dollars!”  So, if you see those charges, call your credit card company.  (Guys, clean up your act.  Those monthly porn site charges may now be discovered if your wife starts calling!)
... and next year, we're going to offer
a cooking course by Madonna
called "Emaciated."

10)  ... Rutgers University.  Would you believe that if your child attends Rutgers University, they now have the option of taking a class on Beyonce?  No joke.  The lady that started the stir at the Grammy’s by appearing semi nude now has a class dedicated to her.  It is being offered in the Department of Women’s and Gender Studies.  

I’m sorry, I can’t go on in a serious mode.  Here’s a lady that changes her name, uses her body and voice to get a recording contract and sell records, marries a rapper, and now has a class about her.  I’m searching to find any educational value in this whatsoever, and am sorry to say I can’t.  How many of you, your daughters, or grandchildren will follow this course in life?  Probably none!  So, why spend valuable college dollars on a course that has no benefit?  Oh, yeah, I forgot ... college football players are tired of phys ed degrees, so why not study a half naked chick dancing suggestively instead?  Variety is the spice of life!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
Thus, another week’s journey into “Thankfulness” is complete.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go wait at an Interstate rest stop and look for Colorado license plates.  Do you think a Sheriff’s star badge from when I was a kid will suffice in allowing me to search their vehicle for drugs?  Hey, it’s worth a shot!