Friday, February 14, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: Valentine's Day Edition!

Happy Valentine's Day!

(Yes, I'm writing this on Friday.)

If your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever didn't wish you Happy Valentine's Day, you have now had it wished to you!

(Now what are you gonna do for me?)

I didn't get my wife anything today.  No, not even a card.  No matter how hard I tried to make myself do it, I just couldn't make myself stop at a department store and face all the heart shaped boxes of candy, the loving stuffed animals with hearts attached to their bodies in some sort of sadistic act by a heart madman, or inspect the empty racks where the cards used to be trying to find one that would fit the way I feel about her.

I really don't care if you call me an ass or not.  Nope, it doesn't hurt my feelings at all.  And, you're probably thinking, "I'm happy as hell he's not my husband.  I'd have to teach him a thing or two!"

Well, guess what? 

You'd have to eat your words.  

See, my wife and I were both off Wednesday of this week.  Knowing that we'd both be working late Friday night, we decided to celebrate the day a couple of days early.

Oh, and here's a picture of my wife ... in her Valentine's Day gift ... a 2014 new car!

Yeah, this is the bitch in her new ride.
Don't look at me, she wanted red!!
(Really eating your words now, 
aren't you?)

In thirty-three years of marriage, my wife has never had a new car.  She's had rust buckets, rattle traps, and for the last 17 years, she's driven a 1996 Camry.  Oh, it still runs ... most of the time ... although it is slowly falling apart.  And, believe me, I will never say she's never complained about it.  In fact, there have been so many times I've heard her bitch I think I may have kept her in it just to get even.   

(Yeah, I can be a real bastard
 if I want to be!)

Now, recently, I've had the worst three months in a row in business that I've ever had in my life.  Bills were getting a little behind, and I was wondering how in the hell I was going to make a payment on my truck.  (Just in case you haven't been with me as long as some others, I've had a long paying affair with my Honda Ridgeline.)  I only had four payments left on it, and the last thing I wanted to do was to have it repossessed right now.  

So, I put on my thinking cap and came up with a plan.  I knew I could get a great price on a new car.  (I have major connections.)  Also, I knew there was a lot of rebate money available at current time.  And, I'm well aware that if your credit is any good at all, the banks will finance up to 120% of the vehicle's MSRP at a low interest rate.  Thus, a plan was born!

Since I'd planned on getting my wife a new car when my truck was paid off, why not finance the bargain price on the car, PLUS enough to pay off my truck and get all my bills caught up?  

  1. I just made an online payment to Honda for $1865 to pay off my truck.
  2. My wife has her new car.  (And, my payments are $20 a month less than they were on my truck and are calculated at only a 1.9% interest rate!)
  3. Tomorrow, I will catch up all bills that are behind or coming up due.
And, my wife is happy!

When the crack hides the underwear,
it's time to eat salads ... for life!!!
(Oh, and I did take her out to lunch on Wednesday, too!)  It was a decent meal, until a couple of hillbillies came in.  The lady, somewhat overweight, was kind enough to let me see what type of thong she had on!

Enticing, isn't it?  

(There are times in life that stifling a gag reflex becomes extremely difficult.  This was one of those times!)

Talk about motivation to get the hell out of there and not over eat!

So, if that hasn't turned your stomach the way it did mine, let me say that it is time ... time to get ten more inches of cloth to cover her up ... time to be thankful there was at least something still covered up ... time to be ten times thankful that we were almost done prior to their arrival.

Oh, yeah ... it's time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

For we chose to be thankful, and thankful we shall be.  Shall it be through wonder or delight, loved one or thee?  Who cares as thankful is us and us is we.  We appreciate and don't hesitate as thankful doesn't calculate or even speculate.  Queen Lizzi rules the nest, the nest of thankful for all to see.  So, for Lizzi we list thankful, and thankful for even thee!

I'm thankful for:

1)  ... Toyota recalls!  Isn't it fun watching Toyota recalls?  The fourth rated manufacturer by the 2013 Consumer Reports Buying Issue is once again under the gun.  Seems 1.9 million Prius automobiles could stall out due to a software glitch.  Luckily, there have been no deaths due to the stall outs, yet.  However, if one of these Eco-Egomobiles stalls out in front of me, there may be one forthcoming.  What's weird about this is that Toyota still maintains such a high regard in most people's minds, even though since 2009 they've had more than 14 million vehicles recalled for one reason or another.  (No, my wife's new car isn't a Toyota.  I'd prefer not to spend most of my time in a Service Department waiting on a recall to be completed!  Remember, I've got a Toyota Camry factory less than 15 miles away.  I know what kind of people put those suckers together!)

"Are you going to believe me, or
some idiot newscaster that
wasn't even born then?"
2)  ... Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.  This week, the judge made comments stating that, "My sadness is that we are probably today more race and difference conscious than I was in the 1960's when I went to school."  (Of course, you recognize this as I've described it so many times in the past as part of our Politically Correct attitude in the states in which everything offends someone.)  Immediately, two journalists from the Huffington Post started knocking the judge's comments by telling the audience about how life really was in the 1960's.  Of course, one of these individuals was born in 1978, so he proved himself to know absolutely nothing about the time period and was immediately entered into my Dumbass Hall of Fame, and the other was born in 1960, which meant he wasn't old enough to really know what was happening back then either.  I guess this means one can Huff, and Huff, and Huff away, but they still can't blow the judge's house down!  (Damn dumbasses!)

3)  ... Michelle Obama.  This week, at a state dinner, Michelle wore a dress designed by a Venezuelan designer know for his intricacies and expensive dinner dresses.  It's nice to know while many Americans huddle next to Dollar Store candles trying to keep warm during this extreme Winter, the White House feels that spending an outrageous sum of money on a dress that will be used only once is cost effective and necessary.   (Right!  And please tell me they're only going to eat at White Castle for the next two weeks to cut back on expenses!  "May the porcelain poppers ricochet and leave a welt on your ass!)

4)  ... Winter storms that pummel the East Coast.  “It’s F**king Winter People!!!!!   If you don’t live in the extreme South, you’re gonna have snow and ice!   I give you six months and you’ll be b*tching about the F**king Summer heat!!!!  Don‘t like it?   Move your ass somewhere else!!!!”   (God, I feel better now!)

5)  ... 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  This year’s edition features three models on the cover.

I’m speechless.  There are times all you need to be thankful is a picture.  
Words can’t express ...

“Oh hush, damn it!  I bought you a car!”

6)  ... Jay-Z and Beyonce.  It has been reported that Jay-Z spent $2.300 on a bracelet for Beyonce for Valentine’s Day.  (Boy, won’t she be surprised now that it’s been on the national news for a couple of days?)  

7)  ... the Beatles Tribute.  Katy Perry butchered “Yesterday”, Imagine Dragons ruined “Revolution”, Alicia Keys found that she couldn’t do vocal exercises during “Let It Be”, and Ringo still can’t sing.  At least Ringo tried to mention John and George in retrospect as Paul seemed to want to hog the spotlight and take all the credit for the band’s success.  All in all, I’m glad I DVR’d it.  At least I could fast forward through the commercials.  

8)  ... Kansas politicians.  Kansas is trying to get a bill passed that allows individuals to deny services to gay couples if it conflicts with their religious beliefs.  Of course, the gay rights activists are going crazy over this one.  For some reason, I’m beginning to feel the same way about this as I do the cold weather.  “It’s F**king Kansas, people!!!!  It’s the land of cornfields, barbeque, and Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz!!!  It’s not New York or San Francisco!!!!  It’s Kansas!!!!   Rednecks and cowboys and more rednecks!!!!   They don’t care if you’re offended ... in fact, they’re trying to offend you to get you to leave!!!!   Move if you don’t like it!!!!”  

Seriously, I could care less what your preferences are.  I just know that if I’m living in a state that signs a law against my lifestyle, I’m probably not rich enough to get them to change the law just for me.  Either put the steaks on the grill and learn to guzzle a Budweiser while scratching your butt, or you may end up getting roped and branded.

9)  ... Corvette Museum Sinkhole.  A giant sinkhole opened up North of Bowling Green, Kentucky this week directly under the National Corvette Museum.  Car after car found the earth give way underneath as they began their descent into the Neatherworlds below the Earth’s surface.  Corvette owners mourned as many of the vehicles lost were “one of a kind” vehicles.  (In a related note, Ford Mustang collectors and owners celebrated this week, as a giant sinkhole opened up under the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky.  In fact, most of the S.O.B.’s are still partying!)

10)  ... all the beautiful women of the world.  Whether you be married or single, or any derivative of combination, I simply an thankful that you all are around.  (The last thing I want to be is in a world with nothing but men.)  Seriously, may Valentine’s Day be a great one for each and every one of you.  At ten o’clock tonight, I’m going to have a small glass of wine.  With this wine, I’m going to toast all of you in a small gesture of my thankfulness that there is someone on this planet worth looking at (unless you have an ass crack like the lady in the restaurant I mentioned above, lol) and talking to.  Anyway, I will toast your internal and external beauty, your charm and grace, and your determination to demonstrate how superior you are over men ... especially those that forgot today was Valentine’s Day!  May your night be golden, your dreams be loving, and your life be filled with happiness.  I wish the best for every one of you!

“Oh, honey, hey, how about ironing some pants for me tonight? 
 After all, I did get you a car!”

God, I’m gonna use this one for years!!!