Friday, July 29, 2016

I'm Back!!! Thumpin Trumpin, Hillary Humpin' and Ten Things Of Thankful

Well, did you miss me?

That's a very dangerous question to ask, especially when you're unsure of the answers that will be forthcoming.

It's like being seventeen years old and asking your sixteen year old girlfriend if she's pregnant?

There are some answers that you want to hear and some that can put you in jail ... at least in some states.  (Yes, Indiana was one of those that could ... but no, she wasn't ... almost sixteen but not quite, that is.)

No, she wasn't pregnant.

I was.

Just kidding.

If you followed this blog, you know what I've been going through.  If not, scroll down and read the previous posting from April 30th (it's right below this one so you don't have to worry about all the extra work involved) and you'll be able to catch up quickly.

I'll probably fill you in with an update in a moment, but first things first.

We have two presidential candidates in the running.  If you include the Green Party and the Libertarian Party, we have four.

Actually, the last two are the real candidates.  Mr. Trump and Mrs. Clinton are the jokes.

Oh My God ... did I just say that?!?!?

I know, all the Republicans and Democrats have just placed a curse on me.  I'll never be able to have sex again.

My wife already made that promise to me so you're too late.

Let's just pray that if one doesn't use it that it doesn't fall off.

I think Hillary's already did ... and Trump got mad because it was longer than his.

Sorry, I'll stop because there are children present.

I tend to look to Cher for a song that describes the major party candidates this year.  Ever hear of "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves"?

(**Video doesn't appear on cell phones.  Now, don't you wish you were on your PC?")

Okay, so I've already lost half of my audience.  What else is new?

Seriously, I think we need Morgan Freeman in the running for PUSA.  He does a great job playing the president in the movies, which is more than Trump or Hillary have done in their campaigns, so why not give him a shot?  

Okay, who's the ass that's holding his criminal past 
in "The Shawshank Redemption" against him?

Besides, presidents always have television movies made about them sooner or later.  Kathy Bates isn't old or wrinkled enough to play Hillary yet, nor is Neil Patrick Harris obnoxious enough yet to take on Trump's role.  It's a losing battle.

See, Morgan Freeman is looking better and better, isn't he?

I have to shake my head in wonderment of the common philosophy that "Trump isn't part of the political system".  Let's step back and look at that.  The system depends on big business filling the pockets of politicians.  Trump has always been a part of this system.  Tell me one gambling casino that hasn't added to the annual "undeclared" income of a politician.  He's just been on the other side of the picture, kind of like the Playboy joke section is on the back of the centerfold.  (Or, used to be ... it's been years since I've looked at one ... as porn is so easy to find on the web.)

And, my head continues to shake when people tell me that "Hillary is a part of the system that works for the common man".  I've been looking for years for that part and still haven't found it.  And, to look at the email fiasco, her achievements (?) in the State Department, and her consistent changing of sides dependent upon what group she happens to be addressing ... well, the common man definitely serves her purposes ... and serves her at lunch and dinner with drinks, too.   (Some have stated she's a lousy tipper.)

Yes, I'll vote this election, but it won't be for the "lesser of two evils" as has been described by many way too often this year.  No, I'll probably vote Libertarian, if for no other reason than to say I voted and have a right to bitch about the winner.  

May the best "Gypsy, Tramp, or Thief" win!

And, without further ado, let us get to what this is all about ... 
Ten Things Of Thankful!
See ALL TTOT Posts HERE !!!!!!
I promise to stay away from any more political comments in the Ten Things of Thankful.

Previously, I found myself entering a rut and not being able to escape.  As a large portion of my audience has been from outside of the United States, I'm not going to bore you any longer with our political woes.  (You'll probably experience them for yourselves in the near future after the election.)  No, I need to address some other thankfuls from now on ... to things that the "common man" can relate.  (No, I'm not talking about toenail fungus, crotch rot, or YouTube's exploding cysts.)

So, here is this week's Ten Things of Thankful!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  ... Black Widow Spiders.   Yes, how would I ever know that Black Widow venom would only cause a minor welt upon my legs had I not been recently bitten by them on three different occasions.  They do take a long time to heal as it has been a month since the first bite and it's just now scabbing over.  I'd been bitten by a variety of spider from India about eight years ago and still show the mark of the bite on my index finger, but these wounds should be gone in a month or two.   

One of these days I'll stop trying to train them to dance like Ellen.

2)  ... Lawyer Handling Skills.   Years of experience on stage, in front of training classes, and dealing with all types of customers have given me skills.  Every once in a while, I need a good chance to demonstrate the power of the spoken word.  This week, in dealing with an attorney that was supposedly handling continuing legal matters and monetary requirements between my father and the guardians of my stepmother, I let it loose.  When told he was going to be required to pay for nine and a half months of her nursing home care and that the guardians decided he needed to accept her rental property in Indianapolis back and pay all past due insurance and bills since they took it over, I couldn't hold back any longer.  

"Are we paying you to act like a dog and rollover with your legs in the air so they'll scratch your tummy, or are we paying you to be a fighting dog?  First off, they've wasted over a hundred thousand dollars of her money on $10,000 a letter outside lawyer fees and other non essentials.  If you're not willing to bring this to their attention and require a dollar by dollar account of her estate that they took control of, then we'll find someone who will.  And, since her rental property hasn't panned out to be the cash cow they thought it would be, they now want to give it back?  Forget it!  They're bound by the same court order we are ... it's not a pick and choose option package.  They need to accept what they've gone after and pay up.  We wash our hands of it.  Now, tell me, what kind of dog are you so we'll know what to expect from you in the future?"

And then I exhaled.

My father looked at me ... and then at my crotch ... 
like he was expecting to see the appearance of some gigantic balls.  

We got our way in the end, which saved him over $60,000 
and past due rental property bills totaling over $5,000.

I walked out of there like a bow-legged cowboy.

3)  ... EKG's.   This week, I had another episode with my heart.  After a chest pain filled weekend, Monday found me in St. Joseph's Hospital hooked up to monitoring equipment and having blood drawn from several places of my body.   First, why do nurses always look for the hairiest places on one's body to attach EKG patches?  I'm not really a hairy guy.  In fact, I often look forward to the moment I reach puberty and can grow sideburns.  Yet, nurses always find the few patches I have.  It's like they're saying, "When we pull these off later, you're not going to have any hair left anywhere on your body!"

Thank God they don't attach them to one's pubic area.

And, why do they hunt for different areas from which to draw blood.  Isn't it all the same as it circulates?  It's not like they're going to find a different flavor in a different body area.  Hell, if you want selection, go to Baskin-Robbins!

32 flavors I'm not!

4)  ... Early Retirement?   A little over a month ago, I hit the minimum retirement age for Social Security.  It was time for a major decision.

Take a reduced amount and make the wife work her butt off to pay the bills
Wait four more years, get the full amount, 
and still make the wife work her butt off to pay the bills.

My wife asked me if I still enjoyed downloading music, eating out, and having money to waste upon occasion.

Four years is really not that long a time.

5)  ... McDonald's Strawberry Banana Smoothie.  I have become addicted to this drink.  Actually, I've only had one, but am experiencing fantasies of indulging in another.  I'm fooling myself thinking that this drink is healthy for me, but then again, I have to remember it is made at McDonald's.  These are the folks that manufacture pieces of chicken that nobody has ever found in a chicken.  No, as I've turned over a new leaf and am only indulging in healthy habits, I have to reconsider returning to have another.  Maybe I'll just light up a cigarette and think about it for a while.

6)  ... Steak Prices Rising.  I was shocked the other night when I went shopping for steaks.  This is a food that I save for when my wife goes on vacation with our daughter's family and leaves me at home to enjoy the finer things in life ... fantasy films, loud music, and exotic foods (to her) like beets, cabbage, various types of greens, and steak all included.  Now, steak prices rose like a rocket when gas prices escalated.  However, since the media had reported an overabundance of beef in recent months, and since the price of a gallon of gas has gone way down, I logically reasoned that beef prices must have gone down, too.

When I finally found a couple that I could afford in the grocery store's "I'm Not Too Green To Eat But Don't Come Back And Bitch If You Get Sick" section, I hesitated only long enough to pick up another.  

I saved it for my wife's return home.  
She ate it tonight.  
I wonder if since she ate it voluntarily if I can be 
charged for murder if she dies from it?

7)  ... Old Monster Movies.  There's nothing like turning on your television and finding an old monster movie, especially those with special effects by Ray Harryhausen. "Jason and the Argonauts", "Jack the Giant Killer", and "The Valley Of Gwangi" were several that utilized his claymation talents and patience and became masterpieces in their own right.  Not a lot of blood, gore, guts, or veins filling the screen like during the RNC and DNC, just good old fun and fantasy.  
I'd like to see another claymation program, "Celebrity Deathmatch" be brought back on the air.  True, they were always gross to view, but imagine the fun involved with settling civil disobedience in this manner.  In other words, let's have "Gladiators of the World" make its debut show with a real Death Match!  Start by bringing in a ISIS member with a sword and the president of the National Rifle Association with a Springfield Armory 9 mm pistol and enjoy the show!  (And, don't forget the popcorn!)

8)  ... People That Text While Driving.  I had the most devoted texting taking place this week as I drove home from Indiana.  So, I'm stuck in Louisville rush hour traffic around the construction area of the new bridge.  I watch a wrecker driver, with car in tow, holding up his phone at eye level as he was texting.  He was so intent on what he was texting that he didn't realize that traffic had stopped in front of him.  Suddenly, he was reminded of this as the front of his wrecker crumpled against the back of an eighteen wheeler flatbed.  So, the wrecker needed a wrecker.  And we wonder why car insurance rates are so high.  

9)  ... Doctors Becoming Like Car Dealerships.     Okay, another episode experienced this week made me cringe.  While at the doctor's office Monday, I found myself in front of a brand new doctor as my old one had taken a teaching job at a local university.  After trying to freak me out to the point of wanting me to ride to the hospital in an ambulance (when I had just driven 20 miles to get to his office), he starts talking about oxygen levels and the need for sleep studies.  He hadn't properly diagnosed my first episode and he's trying to sell me add-on's!!!  Only if he offered me an extended warranty would my attention be diverted his direction.  Good thing my tennis shoes were new or he might have tried to sell me tire and wheel protection!

10)  ... Venetian Blind Destroying Cats.  Yes, I love my cats.  (They told me to say that.)  But, my two felines frustrate finances forever.  A couple of months ago, I purchased new blinds for the living room.  Well, fat butt Gabriella has found that if she waddles to the top of the couch, lays on her side and sticks her front legs through them, the blades will bend down and she can view everything that's going on in the neighborhood.  However, in doing so day after day, she has already broken two of the blades.  So, I went to Lowe's and attempted to find some stronger ones.  I can't tell you how ridiculous it sounded when I told the store clerk that I wanted some blinds that cats couldn't destroy.  I think he actually believed me when I told him I ran a zoo and wanted something that the cowardly lion and Dorothy could use to have some privacy.  (Lowe's and Walmart are known to draw employees from the same pool!) 

And that's going to do it for my return to Ten Things of Thankful!!


The last three months I've been away have been filled with a craziness in the world I don't think we've ever seen before.  Black Lives Matter protesters hypocritically stopping ambulances from getting to hospitals, a police officer shooting an unarmed social worker whose hands were raised to show they poised no threat, ISIS going wild in several countries using everything from knives to bombs to machine guns to a truck to kill innocent people, Social Security checks not being mailed out because the United States government stole the funds to use on other B.S. items, and police officers being assassinated in several cities by idiots believing in some ridiculous martyr vs. vengeance philosophy.  

The government wants to: 

1)  take away the guns of the innocents when average police reaction times exceed 20 minutes, (Population Control)
2)  lower grade averages to ensure more kids pass and feel good about being stupid, (Create the Ignorant "Herd" Mentality") and 
3)  raise taxes on those that can't pay the taxes they owe already.  (Total Elimination of Middle Class)

Yet, both parties tell us they can cure the problems.

I think an annual killing purge, held only in Washington D.C. while Congress is in session, would be the best cure.  However, since "The Purge" has already been used in the movie, let's call it "The Fresh Start Program".  It worked in the movies.

Maybe then you'd see the benefit of having Morgan Freeman as President.


P.S.S.   Please leave comments.  I've missed y'all!