Friday, March 14, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: Plane Fly, Plane Disappear, Plane Go Bye Bye!

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There's a plane missing!

No one knows where it's at!

That's why it's missing!

It's been on the news for days!

They're making sure everyone knows about it!


Because there's not enough other stuff to talk about right now!

So, all the news agencies are talking about a missing plane.

Perhaps aliens opened the bottom of their spaceship and swallowed it up.  Now, all of the plane's occupants are awaiting one 83 year old man who barricaded himself in the jet's bathroom and has been there for days.  

Stay out of the little room ... that's where
they sh*t!!!!   

Because he knows a secret no one else does.  

The secret?  Aliens don't go into bathrooms.  After all their experience in anal probing, they have seen what man does with his used nutrition.  For years, they thought it was where man lubricated himself.  

Then, one day, while watching a captured German Shepherd take a crap, one of the aliens looked at his crew mates and said,  "Hey, why are we sticking valuable examination equipment up the asses of humans?"  That's not lubricant, it's sh*t!"

A revelation had been voiced.

The aliens simply want the old man in his seat with his seat belt fastened so as to not go against international safety procedures and laws when they send the plane home.

Still, the old man on the aircraft doesn't believe them.  He feels that an anal probing is waiting outside the door of his fortress.  He has never let his doctor give him a prostrate exam and he'll be damned if any alien is going to go where no man has ever gone before.

And, the plane remains missing.

Or, it may have landed in an alternate universe.  A universe where a plane is a ground vehicle and the jets are used to make giant vats of orange juice.  As the jet engines whine, oranges are tossed in and are immediately shredded and drained into a giant vat to be later divided among the populace that enjoys juice with pulp.

Only 47 more tons of oranges left to go until the juice season is over.  In the meantime, the passengers inside the jet are being served coffee.  None really care for orange juice.

And, the plane remains missing.

Or, Godzilla got tired of chasing around Tokyo and decided to order food to go.  Mistakenly, he saw the plane coming towards him and believed it to be his order.  Jumping out of the ocean, Godzilla snagged the airliner and pealed away the outer metal skin, revealing the screaming fast food treats inside.  Days later, Godzilla returns to his underground cave, filled with FDA approved chemicals and more preservatives than needed to keep him looking great for another 50 years.  The people?  Well, let's just say they found out what it means to be finger lickin' good!

And, the plane remains missing.

It is sincerely a terrible event, especially for the families of those passengers that still lie missing. Truth is, no one knows where the plane is at.  The authorities only know where it's not, and that's at its original destination.  Several countries have stopped searching for it as it's proposed path was changed a few times.  In fact, it may end up being one of 2014's greatest mysteries.

Of course, it would run a distant second place to the first.

Did J-Law fake her fall at the Academy Awards this year, 

or is she really a clumsy drunk from Kentucky?

The World Wants To Know!!!

(At least in some alternate universe they do!)

Then again, most guys just want to see her nude.  

Anyway, let us rejoice and throw our arms and spirits to the sky!  Tis the time of the week we make proclamation of Thankful ... Ten Times Thankful be the theme of those celebrating this joyous occasion!  The revelers are reveling, the drummers are drumming, and the dancers are dancing (perhaps, twerking a bit for the joy of the elderly gentlemen with single dollar bills to share).  

Tis Queen Lizzi and her royal court, presenting the Thankfulness once again.  The royal ladies of court from A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) WallConsideringsFinding NineeGetting LiteralI Want BacksiesMother of Imperfection

RewrittenThankful MeThe Meaning of Me, and the duke of delight from The Wakefield Doctrine all present and accounted for, singing songs of Glee (watch out for copyright infringement, you all).  

So, let us spread our hearts of Thankfulness, Ten Things of Thankfulness, and hope that none fall flat to the stationary line provided by improper cardiac treatment.  Tis time to proclaim:

This Week's Ten Things Of Thankful 
is Open to the World!!!!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  My Ten Year Old Computer.  Twas a funeral for a relative last week,
Of all the computers I've had, this one deserved
a place of honor for its final resting spot.
and a funeral for a true friend this week.  My ten year old Dell PC bit the dust for good on Tuesday.  After publishing last week's post, I had a nightmare of a time just answering my comments (as few as they were) as we fought to extend my dear friends time on this Earth.  We battled day and night from Friday through Monday evening.  However, it was soon recognized that the battle would be lost as rebooting failed to ignite breathing early Tuesday morning.  We held each other tightly during those last moments together.  The warmth it once provided was only a memory as its metal became cooler and cooler to touch.  Finally, with a burst of energy the screen exploded into a million of pixilated colors and then faded from existence. 

 It still remains under my desk as disposing of an old friend seems so cruel.  There are times I gaze at it and recall the good times we had together, as well as the tough times it helped me survive.  "I wish thee well, oh gallant soldier of the computing age.  You fought your battles well and with true pride.  Your service to your brand, as well as those who loved you, demonstrates your constant efforts to please those who pecked at your keyboard.  May you find your 40 virgin capacitors in the next world you visit.  You are very deserving of so much more!"

Excuse me while I weep.

2)  Lovers No More.  The intelligent continue to breed!  A Houston father was awakened by one of his children to be told there was someone in his daughter's bedroom.  Grabbing his shotgun, he entered to find his daughter in bed with an unknown male.  After repeatedly asking his daughter if she knew the male, and listening to her constant denials, the father shot and killed the male when the intruder reached for something the father thought to be a gun.  Turns out the daughter knew the seventeen year old male and there was no gun there besides the father's shotgun.  (First rule: "Never screw around in the bedroom of an underage female when her family is home."  Second rule: "Never screw around in the bedroom of an underage female when her family is home."  Third rule: "Never ...)

3)  Indiana University Basketball.  Let's be blunt, the Hoosiers sucked big time this year.  No consistency, poor shooting, and weak coaching proved that last year's number one team at the end of the regular season could fail miserably the next year.  Not only did they lose many games they were projected to win, they also lost the first game of the Big Ten Tourney.  I still wear my IU T-shirt and sweats proudly ... but not in public.  Living in the home city of the University of Kentucky doesn't make life easy for a Hoosier fan, even in a good year.  At least now I can miss some of the NCAA Tourney and not feel guilty ... DAMN IT!

4)  Iraqi Law to Allow 9 Year Olds to Marry.  A new Iraqi law being considered would allow nine year old females to be married.  It would also allow husbands to demand sexual encounters of their wives whenever they wished.  Women's Rights advocates are calling the law a step backwards for women's rights.  Pedophiles are calling it a law long awaited.  Folks in Mississippi say, "Hell, that's normal 'round hera!  Iffin' a gurl ain't been married at least twice by tha time she's 18, en had at least two babies, she ain't ever gonna mount ta much!

This makes it obvious why Nancy Pelosi hates the
Washington Redskins ... the cheerleaders put her to shame!!!
5)  House Minority Leader Hates "Redskins".   House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, who obviously feels as though her own state is so perfect she can now interfere elsewhere, is making it a personal battle to get the Washington Redskins to change their name.  This time, she's trying to get the patent office to reject patents for any merchandise with the name "Redskins" on it.  (The patent office can reject derogatory and other objectionable named items.)  Many opponents of her attack have stated, "The bitch needs to mind her own business."

6)  GM Non-Deployment Airbags Tied To 303 Deaths.  When a car crashes, airbags are supposed to open.  Unfortunately, past owners of the Chevrolet Cobalt and Saturn Ion didn't always find this the case.  303 deaths are being attributed to this failure, even though GM is only claiming twelve.  Said unknown representatives, "If they are dead they can't testify.  Take that to the bank, suckers!"

Ever wonder why he always has a
blanket in his lap?
7)  Over 100 Bullets In Bin Laden's Body.  it is now being reported that there were two bullets fired to kill the terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, and over 100 fired into it in vengeance over the 9/11 attacks.  Said one of the shooters, "We knew they were going to bury him at sea and we just thought the lead bullets would keep him from bobbing up and down like an apple."  

8)   Plane Crashes.  Another plane crashed in Florida this week after it's landing gear had a tire blow out.  Upon arrival in Florida, after being rescued, passengers were quoted as saying, "Hey, we're not missing! We're not missing!!!!"

9)  Woman Gets 21 Years In Jail.  Hope "The Lady" Kantete, 44, was sentenced to 21 years in jail for leading a carjacking ring that smuggled luxury cars to West Africa.  By our figures, without good behavior breaks, Hope will be out just in time to start collecting Social Security checks.  Basically, the state of New Jersey and the U.S. Government will pay her for the rest of her life by sentencing her as they did.  Nice to know that the rest of us have to work for a living to retire one day, isn't it?
10)  You!  Yes, you, the reader, for once again understanding my plight of working days with hours numbering 11-15 each.  Tis a lousy job for the 8 hour a day mind to endure, but someones got to do it.  And, it pays the bills.   What is doesn't do it allow a lot of time for me to return your kindness and visit your blog as much as I'd love to, and once did for most.  I do appreciate your understanding and generosity.  It means a lot ... seriously!

That's going to end this week's post of Ten Things Of Thankful.  Join us again next week for another thrilling adventure of the Man of Steel and Tonto, or was that Speedy?  Anyway, as a wise man once said:

And the plane remains missing!