Friday, September 19, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "Honey, Sit Down ... The Hell With What Kanye Says!"

As you might discover, I'm fairly adept at recognizing El Toro defecation.

No brag, just fact!

Like you, I sometimes find myself watching people and just shaking my head at their actions.  I used to concentrate on just the public figures while thinking, "Damn, don't these people realize they're in the public eye?"

Then I decided that they thought being in the public eye meant you had to do something extremely stupid just to stay in the public eye.

No, shame is no longer a factor.

Enter the egotistical Kanye West, for example.  

I know, you'd rather not take him anywhere, much like myself, but let's use him as a focal point.

In a recent concert, Kanye was filmed stopping the show because he wanted everybody on their feet for him.  He even went to the extreme of questioning handicapped individuals with prosthetics and in wheel chairs to see if they couldn't stand for him.

If I had been in attendance (probably an after death pit of Hell experience for French kissing my pillow during a nocturnal event of my youth), These are some of my replies to your commands to rise up.
  1. Give me a quality performance to make me want to rise up and do something besides punch your egotistical mouth!
  2. I paid way too much for this seat and you're not going to get me out of it!  Lower ticket prices and I'll consider your asinine request!
  3. I'll be happy to rise if you'll come over here and kiss my ass!
  4. How many times do you have to open your mouth to prove to yourself you should've kept the thing shut?  
  5. What? Are you pissed off that your kid is already exhibiting signs of intelligence that surpasses yours?
  6. Why don't you, Molly Citrus and Justa Beaver all get together and take a long standing room only journey on the next Malaysian Airlines flight?
  7. What? Did Kim finally agree to give you a BJ if you could get everybody standing?
  8. Take a look in the mirror so you can actually see the only person that loves you!
  9.  It's been said that men with small penises actually speak the loudest.  Now, what was that you were saying?
  10. Rap with me now:  "If all ya gonna do is give us some crap, who the hell cares about you 'n yer rap.  You say that you gonna stop the band, iffin' all of us don't get up and stand.  I'm tired of your mouth flappin' in the breeze, so why don't you fly away to the trees.  Let's get us some talent up on the stage, someone whose brain is free of the haze.  Goodbye, Kanye, your time is no more.  See you next time, Kanye, stocking shelves in the store.  Good buh, Good buh, Good buh I say.  I'm lookin' for talent, so's gets outta the way!   Yo Yo!!   Oh, and there's no such damn word as conversate!  It's converse, dummy, converse!"
From his words and actions, I'm sure Kanye believes himself to be God's gift to mankind.  Sad thing is no one else believes that except those boo birds from the video.  However, from his statements after Hurricane Katrina to this escapade, Kanye continuously proves that money doesn't bring intelligence, just publicity.  

But enough of Kanye and his foolish life.  It's time for thankfulness!

I'm thankful for many things this week.  But, one that goes without saying, is the thankfulness of this group that allows me to go to the extremes of sarcasm post after post.  I know I offend, from time to time, but many of you still come back for more.  For that, I am very thankful.

So, without further ado, this week I'm thankful for:

1)  The CIA.  Well, according to secret disclosures, the CIA has secretly stopped spying on friendly governments in Europe.  Of course, the spying was supposed to be secret, but was discovered in several Germany / U.S. fiasco's.  So, a secret memo was secretly passed down by secret heads of state and secret chains of commands to secretly stop the secret spying.  One secret  source, who remains secret due to the secret nature of his secret position, secretly announced that these secret stand-downs generally don't last long.  But don't repeat that ... it's a secret!

2)  Secession.  According to a recent poll, one in four Americans are willing to have their state secede from the current government in Washington, D.C. and operate on their own.  Folks, that's 25% of all Americans (legal Americans, that is) are so fed up with Washington, D.C., regardless of the party, that they want out!  Personally, I'd like to see several states do exactly that, but that would put Mitch McConnell out of a job after over 30 years of misappropriating our tax dollars for pet government projects and negative campaign tactics.  And, as we all know, we must take care of Poor Mitch!   (Perhaps we could get him a secret job in the CIA in a secret place thousands of miles away!  Shhhhh!    Don't tell ... that may soon be a secret, too!)

3)  Aussie Police.  Over 800 Australian Police were used to arrest 15 people thought to be part of an ISIS plot to behead citizens in all areas of Australia.  Out of the 15, two have been detained and the other 13 released.  Dunkin' Donuts spokespersons state, "Our business plummeted with the officers being deployed elsewhere.  If an ISIS member ever comes in here, there's no way we'll ever give them a discount!"

4)  Miley Cyrus.  Yes, Miley Cyrus is in trouble again!  Damn, I'm so sick of this I don't even feel like writing about it.  Tell you what, you write the rest and be sure to make it funny.  Here are the lines to do it on: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5)  Home Depot.  Yes, if you've purchased anything in the last year at Home Depot by using a credit or debit card, you may be at risk.  Over 56 million credit cards have been breached by a malware program in Home Depot's system.  Although Home Depot seems only concerned about how the breach will affect their business, consumers are more concerned about how the breach will hit them.  So, if you happen to see 17 electric drills, 14 garden hoes, and 42 bags of concrete charge to your card, acknowledge that you may be a victim of this breaching, instead of married to a spouse that is secretly planning to make you a permanent resident under the new driveway.

6)  Scottish Independence Vote.  The majority says no to a tune of 55% to 45%.  Mother England will stay the parent and the Scots will remain as they have been for hundreds of years.  Some like it, some don't.  All I know about Scotland is that it's damn cold in Dundee in November, and anyone that will wear a kilt in that weather has all of my damn respect!

7)  America's Got Talent.  AGT crowned a new winner this week.  It was Franco the Magician.  No one really cared as you seldom see them after the program ends, anyway!  The second runner up, Emily West, had just released an album last year that would put you to sleep if you allowed it, so a little magic might not be a back thing to keep one awake!

8)  Clear Channel Radio Stations:  These are part of a chain that play the same music day after day after day.  If you're in retail, and happen to be hexed with a manager that insists on one of these stations filling the air, just remind them that at about the same time Clear Channel started broadcasting, mass murders increased 62%.  If you say it with a grimace on your face, a growl in your voice, and a gun in your hand, you just might be able to change channels to something more listenable.

9)   Second Languages.  Anyone that has ever sold anything can tell you that a couple from another country will revert back to their own language to hide their comments from you.  I find that being able to speak Italian allows me the opportunity to talk to them in my language.  When they don't understand and act confused, I can always get them to go back to English immediately, as no one likes to look the fool. Second languages are indeed a great equalizer!  But, what the hell is this pig Latin crap???

10)  The United States Congress.  There's a saying that goes something like this, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Decades ago, the U.S. provided guns and weapons to rebels to assist them in fighting the Russians.  Many of these rebels later became a terrorist group and rammed jets in the World Trade Center and Pentagon.  We have fought them for years in Iraq and Afghanistan, and many still remain our most sincere enemies.  

So, what does Congress decide to do this week?  Yep, supply weapons to Syrian rebels!  I guess today's politicians are trying to set up the future for big business war machine producers who are always looking for a battle to supply weapons.  Like I said, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Perhaps we should check out the medical marijuana restrictions in their states to see who has short term memory problems and who don't!

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Well, that's going to end another edition of Ten Things Of Thankful.  If we all don't get blown up, I'll be back with another edition in the near future.