Thursday, July 31, 2014

Another Guest Post ... Kind of ... Well, damn it, go there and see!!!!

Yeah, I know, when am I ever going to blog here again?

Soon, my friend, soon.

However, until that time, Visit the Insane Asylum as three of us guys tell you about 

"What Guys Want"

BTW, it's kind of adult oriented.

How do you get there?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Get To My Guest Post Here!!!

Hey folks, looking for the humor you've grown
 to know out of me?

Then get your butts over to 
blog today!!!

Yeah, I'm guest posting over there, and a little help with the comments would be nice.  So, don't be bashful.  Show Marcia that you care (and me, too!!!)

Here's the link to help you out:

I'll love you forever for doing it!!!!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence Day ... The Star Spangled Banner ... Who's really thankful?

Four score and twenty years ago ... oops, wrong holiday!

I'm writing this on the Fourth of July.  It's supposed to be a national holiday, but most of the common people end up working.  It's kind of like Veteran's Day ... the only people that get off of work are the ones that never served in the military.

Strange that those that have done the least for their country tend to reap the most benefits, isn't it?

The majority of the members of our Senate and House of Representatives, not to mention the top office of the land, never served in the military either.  They have no idea as to the trials and tribulations that the common military person endures.  Their only trials and tribulations tend to be not getting caught lying to the press as they try to cover up what they do by creating diversion and mass confusion.  Of course, that's the way they've been taught by big business.

They've learned their lessons well.

One of the major reasons that the original colonists went to war was the phrase "Taxation Without Representation."  Funny, I'm beginning to wonder if the same thing isn't occurring in our country today.  

Oh, there are many that still believe in the political system.  And, there are still children that believe in Santa Claus.  Unfortunately, our system has been tainted by big money, just as Santa Claus has been tainted by Walmart.  

Some just refuse to see the truth as it is.

The administration of President Taft was held accountable for graft.  Graft was contributions by individuals or corporations that were given to politicians to sway their opinions and votes.  Graft is too harsh a word for today's society, so the politicians did something about it.  They changed the name to Special Interest Contributions and made them legal.

See, they know that if you don't like the law you can change the law ... if you have enough money, that is!

The United States is celebrating its independence from England's rule.  Now, we all know that the English had a vast empire to milk for money.  Can't blame them for that.  It it hadn't have been them, some other country would've only taken their place.

But, like our government in the states today, they'd grown too greedy.  They took way too much and gave back way too little.  When the people spoke, they ignored the words being said.  But, they were always present to collect the taxes they'd imposed.  Sometimes, they even wanted more than their rightful due ... similar to our I.R.S. and the scandals now being discovered.

There were the rich, who catered to the foreign rule, and the poor, who didn't.  There were those that used their influence to get what they wanted, and those that had to work hard and endless hours just to survive.  And, there were those cheated the common man, and those that were continuously cheated.  

Damn, some things never change, do they?

For my Ten Things of Thankful, today, I'm going to take a look at our National Anthem and do a little analyzing.  Let's see how thankful we can be.

The Star Spangled Banner

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,

O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,

Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,

What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore

That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,

A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand

Between their loved home and the war's desolation!

Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

1)  Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light ...  I guess we can all be thankful for being able to see the world around us each and every day.  It's said that being blind brings about a new form of sight, but I'm not one to try it out.  In fact, it's about time for another eye examination, again. (Time to make the eye doctor a rich man for the umpteenth time!)  Sometimes, though, I wonder if the politicians can see beyond the color of the green held in front of their face.  Can they not see that America is suffering?  Can they not see that the lifestyle of the common man is not all it's bragged up to be?  Or, is it that they simply don't care as long as they're happy, wealthy, and ... well, two out of three ain't bad I guess.

2)  Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight ... This can be the actual sight of our flag still standing if taken literally.  However, could we also be thankful that this could also be hinting at insight?  Insight of the common man to see beyond the bull that is constantly thrown out by Washington D.C. to confuse issues, incite emotions, and hide the real things that are being done?  We have to be thankful for the common sense God gave us to see through the El Toro defecation and demand change!  Yet, it seems as though many are simply turning their heads in complete disbelief.  It's time they set their sights on seeing again!

3)  And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air ... No one in their right mind wants war.  Still, no one in their right mind wants the country to be taken over by mad men.  Again, we must not only look at the literal translation.  Let us be thankful for the warning that powerful weapons, may they be rockets and bombs or words and propaganda be used to conquer us.  The Politically Correct Society of today is using the words and propaganda avenue to eliminate individualism and create a society of sensitive worms.  No one is accountable, no one is to blame, as excuses run rampant.  Let us be thankful that there are still a few of us that refuse to listen to the masses and be led like cattle to the slaughter.

4)  Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? ... We can be thankful that the flag does still wave, but the land of the free is somewhat in question.  The Patriot Act, though now defunct, at least in title, imposed many violations to our constitution.  Excuses were given over and over as to why, but none were ever held accountable.  Why?  Because those in charge know how to use "fear" to control the populace.  Every time questions started to come to the forefront, we were suddenly thrust into some color of a code that we really didn't understand, but were obliged to fear.  911 was too close to feel any comfort.  So, we lost freedoms, some of which have never been recovered, and instead of brave, we were cowering at colors.  

5)  Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam ... We can be thankful that it is still not over, kaput, done.  We do have a chance to make things better.  The sad thing is that it will not take place with our current political picture.  I'm not talking Obama ... but the whole political structure.  Both parties have political agendas that only allow for the same type of person to get elected over and over again.  If the person isn't rich, they can't afford to run.  If they are rich, they're bound to be in business or law.  If they're in business or law, they know how the structure operates, and who needs to be remembered with political favors.  Thus, when they get to office, everyone knows what to expect!  Oh, there will be times when the parties switch white hats for black and vice versa, but it's all in the plan of things.  The naive public has faith, but the politicians have the plan.  It's a plan that needs to end.

6)  No refuge could save the hireling or slave ... As we continue to divide the rich and the poor and widen the division line, one wonders where it will end.  We can be thankful that we haven't reached the point of no return, but how much further can some folks go?  The minimum wage worker with a family of three cannot afford $300 or more a month for health insurance.  Yet, if he doesn't get it, he can go to jail.  Homeless and unable to feed the family, or jail with a family on government assistance ... what a decision to have to make!  Of course, big business moved his old job to China since the politicians allowed the import taxes to minimize or cease.  Guess they're still working though, aren't they?

7)  Between their loved home and war's desolation ...  Most of us can be thankful that we still have a roof over our heads.  To many, it feels as though they're fighting a war each day just to stay in their current situation, with little to no hope of ever getting ahead.  Illegal immigrants are made legal without going through the legalities that held this country together for over a century.  Long time, good paying jobs continue to desert the shores of the country they then return to jam their products down the throats of the people they cast aside.  Sure, unemployment is down.  My only question is, "How much lower is the standard of living on a minimum wage job than on the previous one that was lost?"

8)  Blest with victory and peace ... We can be thankful that war doesn't reign supreme within the borders of our land.  Or, does it?  There is an unspoken war about to start between the ignorance that has created the PC Society and Common Sense.  A war that says, "Learn how to tolerate instead of expect everything your own way!"  A war that says, "Stop making the government stronger and stronger and learn how to live like a human being, instead of a bastard prima donna!"  We have little peace.  The racial card is still being brought up time and time again when hoodlums are of a minority.  Parents that have failed in instilling the standards of right and wrong in their children are wondering what went wrong when the kids pick up a gun and shoot up a California boulevard.  Mind doctors have validated wrong doing after wrong doing with excuses that allow the "on-the-liners" to feel as though they too have a reason to kill others without mercy.  But, instead of accepting personal accountability, they blame inanimate objects that cannot do a thing without human stimulus.  A war ... damn right it is!

9)  Then conquer we must when our cause it is just ... Let us be thankful that our forefathers recognized there would be powerful and greedy men in our world that would rely on any means, be it just or unjust, to acquire more and more.  In the United States, these men used the phrase "Manifest Destiny" to spread across the land and steal land wherever they saw fit.  Unfortunately, they set the tone, as well as the mold, to be called "Honest Businessmen."  These men worked their way into the pockets of our political structure and filled them with green.  They're still doing it today!

10)  And this be our motto "In God is our Trust" ... Let us again be thankful that God was originally looked upon as a guiding light, a framework to live our lives by.  A lifestyle of honesty, effort, and peacefulness.  Today, we have forgotten God, made God illegal to be in our government or schools, and cast God away.  Of course, the moral obligations went away along with God.  This, at least, is not as hypocritical as those that used God's name as an excuse to conquer and pillage other countries for centuries.  Still, perhaps a little God might just help out at times.

Today is our day of independence.  Our day of celebration.  
Our day of feeling national pride.  

Tomorrow, it's back to reality.


***I realize this wasn't my standard sarcastic fare.  I'll return to that in a week or so.  
Still, some things just have to be said.

     Join the rest of the true Ten Things of Thankful post here!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Cell Phones, Stoplights & Assholes

How many times have you found yourself stuck at a light in traffic?

Yeah, like you’re going to keep an accurate count of crap like that!
In today’s world, cell phones help us keep in touch.  But, they also hold us up.  Why?  Because not only to the competent have cell phones, but so do assholes!

In a world long passed, the only thing that could hold you up would be someone falling to sleep at the wheel.  (Well, either that or if they died.)  However, in today’s society, cell phones in the hands of assholes seem to be the major culprit in holding up traffic as the assholes are oblivious to the world around them.  How?  Here are just a few of the ways:
  1. Assholes using their cell phones to check emails and text other assholes.
  2. Assholes using their cell phones to check last night’s sports scores.
  3. Assholes using their cell phones to call the asshole they just left at home.
  4. Assholes using their cell phones to see who’s doing what on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other social network that assists them in becoming unsocial in real life.
  5. Assholes using their cell phones to find the latest music downloads so they’ll have something to listen to in 30 seconds when the light changes back to red.
  6. Assholes using their cell phones to beat some sense into the kids in the back seat that keep crying about wanting their own cellphones.
  7. Assholes using their cell phones to check the weather forecast in Panama so they’ll have something to talk about to the other assholes at work.
  8. Assholes using their cell phones to watch last night’s hit series episode so they don’t sound like the losers that talk about the weather in Panama at work.
  9.  Assholes using their cell phones to where the traffic accident delays are, usually caused by other assholes using their cell phones while driving.

… and so much more!
Still, these times provide you with ample opportunity to be creative!  No reason to bitch about those assholes anymore!  Instead, sit back and use these ideas to keep you productive and free of boredom.
1) Play “I shoot an Asshole” game!  It’s so easy to do, and you don’t even have to be a military veteran to share in the fun!  Look through the windows of the cars surrounding you and see who has their cell phones out.  Now, use your steering wheel to aim and start shooting by pressing you horn!   And, if you live in a college town or heavy drug pushing community, you’ll see your score skyrocket when you count all the phones in the hands of the pedestrian assholes!  Share your kill totals online with friends, have daily competitions, and even award the winner with a free cup of Starbucks flavor of the day coffee for assholes!
It's Fantasy Time!  Masturbate Away ...
Just Don't Get Caught!

2)  Masturbate.  This works especially if you drive a pick-up truck or a larger SUV that sits up higher than most of the other vehicles.  Spend the time waiting in full thrust enjoyment while others sit behind you and wonder what the hell you’re doing.  And, just to throw them off, every once in a while use your other hand to drum the top of the steering wheel so they believe you’re simply pretending to be the greatest air drummer in the world!

3)  Check out the volume of your stereo with an aria from Madame Butterfly.  Most cars have decent stereos these days.  So, instead of having yourself shaken to death by the asshole next to you that thinks a $10,000 superior bass system is necessary to rattle his $2000 car, put in an opera cd and crank it up to the max.  This should make them think twice about blasting away.  And, if you find one that wants to compete, don’t worry.  Their bass system is guaranteed to shake loose every screw in his cheap car within seconds, leaving him stranded at the light when it finally does change.  (*Note: If you are using music to cover up masturbation, do not use aria’s.  With the extremely slow music cadence, you’re liable to find yourself never reaching climax.)

4)  Clean your windows.  Instead of letting the homeless assholes spit on your windshield and wipe it with their dirty coat sleeves, keep a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex in your floorboard.  Then, when you come up on a red light, jump out of the car and quickly clean the bugs away!  And, if the homeless still come up to you, it’s easy to keep them away by aiming the bottle of Windex at them.  Lord knows it’s the one alcohol container they’ll have nothing to do with.
Sleep on, Sucker!  I'll Clean My Own Windows!

5)  Clean your pistols.  Most carjackers will be somewhat deterred if you are sitting in the seat cleaning guns.  There’s something about seeing a person taking proper care of their weaponry that makes thieves step back, look at their switchblades, and quickly seek out another victim.

6)  Fake out the out-of-towners.  Tired of being held down in speed because of gawking tourists that have never seen a building over three stories high?  Use the stoplight to your advantage!  Teach your kids to stare at them until they look back, and then have them motion to the rear of the tourists car like something is really wrong.  If they initially get no reaction, have them start pointing and going into panic mode.  This will usually get them to pull over to check out the supposed problem, allowing you to pass them and then slowing down in front of them to give them a taste of their own medicine!

7)  Use your sunroof as a stage opening.  Nothing like keeping the folks behind you entertained with a couple of action figures performing atop a roof.  Toy Transformers work well here as you can easily change characters light after light.  Have battles, create story lines … even have Transformer sex acts take place!  Use your imagination and have loads of fun!

The Latest In Scare The Shit
Out Of Nosy Drivers!!!
8)  Put on a Halloween mask and a ski cap.  When you’ve got gawkers staring at you, reach under your seat and pull out your old Halloween mask and ski cap.  Put it on slowly and carefully while looking at yourself in your rear view mirror.  Then, pull out your pistol and check the chamber.  Finally, turn slowly towards the gawkers.  Hopefully, they’re not undercover police looking for stoplight masturbaters!

9)  Raise and lower your electric windows … over and over.   Wanting to freak out the people next to you at the light?  Simply raise and lower your windows over and over and over.  When you combine this with #4 above, it makes for a really interesting result, as well as only exposing you to half the profanity screamed by the occupants of the other car.  Besides, everyone needs their exercise, right?

10)  Put your car in reverse and leave it there.  Want to scare the sh*t out of the people behind you?  Slip the car into reverse, so that the back up lights come on, and leave it there until the light changes.  Keeping your foot on the brake and slightly revving the engine helps to intensify the situation.  In fact, you can magnify this by acting like you’re about to drag race the person next to you!  All the while, the person behind you is wishing they’d held off on taking a laxative the night before!  

Yes, you can enjoy your stoplight time instead of being ridiculously bored. 
 Use your imagination … and don’t forget the Kleenex’s!