Friday, August 2, 2013

10 Things of Thankful Blog Hop

I'm all alone this week.  
As some of you are familiar with, two weeks ago I guest hosted Finding Ninee for Kristi Campbell.  Last we, she returned the favor by guest hosting on this blog.  So much for the history lesson.  This week, we're going to try it on our own blogs.  Or, I should say, "I think we're going to try it on our own blogs."  Kristi and I have both been so busy with work and other projects that we really haven't communicated much of late.  (Too much of a good thing, you know!)  So, you might say I'm guessing.

Typical male, huh?  

Actually, I'm excited (well, let's not get carried away) pleased to be doing this one on my own.   Having done only one other comedy blog this week and having 11 straight days of no less than 10 hours each at my day job, my brain is to the state of, "The hell with you, I'm going on vacation."  If I don't awaken the creative juices somewhat, it just may very well go to La-La Land without me.  (That may be where Kristi is at!  Trying to find ... no ... I won't stoop that low ... or, will I?)

Anyway, we are all grateful for something, I suppose.  Our hosts for this hop, 

seem to have done an excellent job of bringing about a feeling of joy, love, gratitude, and harmony though out this series again.  It is up to me to destroy that!

So, without further ado, here is my contribution to this week's

10 Things Of Thankful
No, you don't own the damn
thing!  Get it back
to the lobby!

1)  I'm thankful to those considerate individuals that keep hotel baggage carts in their rooms as if they were their personal belongings.  I always enjoy arriving at the hotel to find the cart area empty.  This allows me to get my much needed exercise by carrying a week's worth of luggage from my car to my third story room.  It improves my balance, strength, and endurance.  This act also provides me the opportunity to envision new forms of torture for these asses before I drop off to sleep.  (Tying them onto these carts and pushing them down the emergency stairwells for the best time is only one of the things that come to mind.)

2)  I'm thankful for All-You-Can-Eat Buffets that charge to go orders by weight.  I still can't figure out why you can sit there and eat like a pig, but if you get a To-Go box, you're expected to pay three times as much for the same food.  Next time I go to one of these exquisite dining facilities, I'm saying, "F*ck you, I'm pulling a chair up to the serving area and not moving till I'm done! If you don't like it, I'll pay the regular cost for a To-Go box.  It's your choice!  And, yes, I do want some fwuking fwied wice with that!"

3)  I'm thankful for joggers that think the street is for running and the sidewalks are to be ignored.  These dumb asses are so stupid, they even run on the side of the street that traffic is flowing.  By doing so, they don't damage the front of my truck as badly when I knock their butts back to the sidewalk where they belong!

4)  I'm thankful for the Pizza Price Wars that seem to be going on between Pizza Hut, Dominos, and Papa Johns.  Early week specials, mid week specials, and 50% off specials seem to be the norm in this conflict of the top three companies.  They are single-handily making it easy for Americans to go off their diets and gorge themselves silly with hand tossed dough, Sicilian pie crusts, and extra sauces and cheeses.  Soon, Americans won't be able to get through the doors of their homes to go to work because of the extra weight they've gained.  Wobble Wobble!

5)  I'm thankful for people who say "Thank You" when you hold open the door for them.  For those that don't, I always volunteer a hearty, "You're Welcome" as they walk by.  When confronted for saying that a couple of times, I either reply, "Oh, I thought you thanked me for holding open the door like someone that was raised with manners", or, "If you can't say thank you as a polite person would do, how about a f*cking tip!"  If their parents didn't teach them, I take it upon myself to do so ... the asses!

Maybe Subway should be teaching our kids 
mathematics instead of the government!!!
6)  I'm thankful for thumping stereos and 780 watt bass woofers in cars.  I know that one day the drivers will all be deaf and employed teaching kids the dangers of driving with thumping stereos and 780 watt bass woofers in cars.  Maybe then we'll have some damn peace and quiet!

7)  I'm thankful for restaurants (like Subway) that teach our children the benefits of learning basic mathematics.  If you add up the individual sandwich, chip and drink price on a Subway combo, you'll find out that it comes up to exactly the same amount as their combos!  This ploy only tends to work on those taking the "No Child Gets Ahead" curriculum required by the government, illegal aliens, and stoners who don't give a damn as long as the munchies are coming immediately!

8)  I'm thankful for Wal-Mart for giving the ridiculous looking and dressing people of the world a place to go.  As long as they're going there, I'm going elsewhere.  At least that way I don't have to look at them!  

9)  I'm thankful that there is still a restaurant chain like Hardee's that believes sex sells, regardless if it's politically correct or not.  Just look below.  Nuff said!

For the guys:

And, for the ladies:
Now, aren't you thankful, too!

10)  Lastly, I'm thankful that there are men and women, instead of some amoebic cell splitting creature that is self satisfying.  Let's face it, men love to make fun of women and women love to make fun of men.  Men are stupid, women are dumb, men are slobs, women are lazy, men are assh**es, women are bit*hes ... if you don't believe it, ask the opposite gender.  Still, all in all, we tend to get along and enjoy each other's company.  As long as we don't take ourselves too seriously, we can make it if we try.  Of course, I'm just a stupid male, so what the hell do I know!

And those are just a few of the things to which I'm thankful.  I know Lizzi is having a fit now trying to figure out how she's going to explain this list to her friends, but damn it, you're the one that invited me a couple of weeks ago.  

If I can get the button to work this week (which hasn't happened too often in the past), be sure to join the hop with an entry of your own!  And, if you're too lazy to write one, well, go to the hop and read a few anyway.  Who knows?  You just may find something to be thankful of, too!   

That is, unless you're just a 
real assh**e or a real bit*h, 
that is!

FTSF: Growing Up and Bucket List

Fridays have always been a special day in my life.  

Pre-school memories of going down to the corner to catch a station wagon style bus that would take us to the "big" city of Bloomington, Indiana.  (Well, it was bigger than the town of 4,000 rednecks that I grew up near.) 

 We'd eat a lunch at a dime store counter (usually a nutritious hamburger and fries), check out what the store offered in the Toy Section  (and cry and scream until I got something), and then head to one of three theaters that the big city had to offer (so my mom could meet her boyfriend).  After that, we'd walk seven or eight blocks to the Loudon's Grocery Store, do our shopping (while I stayed in the magazine section and sneaked looks at Playboy Magazines), and wait on my father to come pick us up when he got off of work (so we could listen to him bitch about how much money my mother had spent there).

My high school years brought Friday basketball games into the picture.  They were the highlight of the weekend and usually drew crowds of 2-3,000 people.  (Imagine 3,000 screaming subhumans in a saliva frothing frenzy!)  If you've ever seen the movie Hoosiers, you understand the fever of the crowds and the excitement of the events.  Later, when my school finally decided to bring in football, that filled the early Fall Friday evenings (with pain, I might add).

During my days as an on air broadcaster, Fridays always brought us to a different location as we did remote broadcasts, giving us a chance to meet our fans. (Rock music radio fans have always been a strange bunch, especially those in love with DJ's.)  As a district manager, Fridays meant I could leave Baton Rouge and head back to Alabama to spend the weekend with my family. (Let's drive 3 hours home to get nagged!)  And, in Stand-Up Comedy, Fridays always meant the largest and loudest audiences looking for a good laugh.  (And to get drunk, try to drive home, and get their licenses suspended.)

Now, we have FTSF!!!  
(Aren't you glad the travelogue from my past is finally over!)

Finish The Sentence Friday is when our gracious hostesses 
(listed below with the rules) 
give us a sentence to finish and expect us to do our best to keep the audience interested.  This week's sentence prompt is:

My Bucket List Includes ...

So, without further ado, here's what my bucket list includes:

1)  Beach Buckets!   What afternoon at the beach would be complete without a beach bucket or two?  Whether you're thinking of burying yourself or loved one in the sand, simply building a sand castle, or even covering up that nice, hot, steamy pile of crap your dog just let loose, your efforts will be much easier with a beach bucket and shovel.

  "Remember, instead of sand in hand, cover the poo with sand from a bucket, instead of just saying, "F**k it""

2)  Stack-O-Buckets!  Who knows what chores you'll need a bucket for around the house.  There's dogs to dunk and kids to clean up after.  Husbands may need one for washing the car or truck.  Why, on an exceptional day after having been nagged for weeks, they may even need one to clean up the garage floor.  (Don' bet on that one!)  Inside the house, there's the tile to clean, kitty litter to change, and diaper leakage to get out of those deep pile carpets.  Bucket, Bucket, whose got the bucket?  Why, you do, and plenty of them!

3)  Wooden Buckets!  These work great when carrying in walnuts, peaches, apples, or even hickory nuts from those outside trees that make mowing the lawn a nightmare.  This wooden bucket is lightweight and easy to swing back and forth to bring about bruises to young children looking to go to child services and make proclamation of parental abuse.  

4)  Steel Buckets!  Every basement needs a steel bucket.  Unless you have a coal furnace (which means you need to upgrade to either gas or electricity soon, fool) there are very few uses for a steel bucket.  Generally, these will be used as temporary ashtrays, waste baskets, or urinals when the women of the house are living in all the available bathrooms for three hours a day.  Still, when that prize gerbil dies, these make great holding cells until the Winter ground thaws!

5)  Commercial Floor Mopping Buckets!  If you want to make your neighbors think that you're working your butt off trying to keep the house clean, you definitely need one of these.  Wait until the majority of your neighbors are within view, fill the bucket up with water, and take it out the door and dump it where all can see you!  Your standing in the community as a hard working homemaker will rise immediately!

So, now you know what my bucket list contains.  I really don't understand why anyone would be interested in this, but I must comply with the wishes of the hostesses.  I do have to question some of their prompts at times, though!

Oh, a Bucket List means a list of things you want to do before you die?  

Really?  You're joshing me!  


Oh, well, I'm already done.  

Hell, I'll have to talk about that some other time.  

Meanwhile, won't you grab a bucket and join me?