Friday, May 9, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: God, Tell Me This Stuff Isn't Happening !!!

If you're expecting me to say something witty,
forget it.  I'm on vacation!
So, I'm supposed to be taking a hiatus from writing.  You know, doing nothing but lion around the house.

Yeah, I know, bad pun.  But, how the hell else was I going to explain the lion picture?

Yep, just get away from it all, clear the mind, revive the creativity.

Something tells me it's like giving up smoking, every now and then, you've gotta cheat.

There's just so much going on in the world that needs to be talked about.  My brainwaves are salivating.

So, let's start the 
Ten Things Of Thankful 
off without further ado!

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I'm thankful for:

1)  Our wonderful short attention span.  Most of it isn't being mentioned as other articles of interest find the spotlight  (God, how would we ever have survived if we hadn't read all the negative comments about Abby Lee Miller's judging on Dancing With The Stars?)

Have you noticed how the information about the missing airliner has stopped.  Nice to know we can just forget about hundreds of people in the blink of an eye.  

I guess the Korean ferry mishap kind of replaced the airliner news.  Now, there is something we can see.  A ferry, on its side, and hundreds of kids floating around inside, dead and bloated by now, grabs our morbid side a little stronger than having to use our imagination to envision dead, bloated people floating around, inside of an airliner on the ocean's floor.

I'm wondering where the shark stories are at?  
All those dead bodies and no sharks?  
No Way!

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2) The Boston Marathon Bomber suspect is recanting everything he said to federal agents while in the hospital.  
You likie going Boom Boom?
Okay, your turn to goey Boom Boom!

"Nope, I didn't say that ... you can't use it if I did ... no Miranda Rights given!"

But, then again, you're not a citizen of the United States. You might just disappear in a holding cell somewhere never to be seen or heard from again!


I'd like to see him set free.  I'd provide him with a new job as a pressure cooker explosives dummy.  

"Sit in the chair and check out the force of the nails, bolts and marbles as they travel at breakneck speed right towards your head!!   If you're still around afterwards, you can write a three page report on how it felt before we do it all over again ... and again ... and again!"

The funny thing is that the idiot who hoaxed the Boston Police Department last month at the marathon by placing an empty rice cooker at the finish line has been found competent to stand trial, must wear a tracking device, and has almost as many charges against him as the actual bomber.  

What do you want to bet that the lawyers get the bomber off
 and the hoaxer gets life imprisonment?

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3)  A couple that killed a pedophile, and had plans to kill another one the next day, were given life sentences.  Prior to the murder, they'd attended their typical Sunday church service.  For Wednesday night prayer meetings, castration classes are conducted.  They're called, "How to deal with an adult circumcision gone wrong", or "How to sharpen your knife on a stuck kidney stone."
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4) A New Hampshire man was arrested for disorderly conduct because he went over the two minutes his local school board allowed him to speak.  He'd been protesting a mandatory reading assignment his high school freshman daughter had been given, which he felt read like a porno.  The book assigned is Jodi Picoult's novel "Nineteen Minutes", and does offer some very graphic sexual content.  

No, I'm not going to share any content  here.  Go buy the book you cheapskate!  

So, the school board had him taken out in handcuffs, and decided to send out a statement that read parents couldn't opt out of mandatory reading materials.  In other words, if the school says you read it, you have no option but to read it.  If you protest publicly, you can be arrested, just like this gentleman was.

Welcome to Nazi New Hampshire!  
Next reading assignment, 
"Mein Kampf!"  

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5)  Pope Francis calls for the world's nations to redistribute wealth!  The pope wants poverty to end.  So, he backs the idea of redistributing wealth to keep the poor from starving and to provide them with proper housing.  This goes along with his stands against the evils of capitalism and the world's current global economy.  When asked if the Vatican City, an independent country within the city of Rome, will be the first and set the example, it is reported that the words "A Cold Day In Hell" were overheard.

In a related story, Washington, D.C. just endured its coldest day of this Spring season!
Penthouse didn't even offer me
a million dollars like they do
everyone else.
What's wrong with me???

6) Monica "Hot Lips" Lewinsky is feeling regret over her past affair with President Bill Clinton.  

Oh, let's get real.  Admit it, it was exciting screwing around with the president!  You knew he was married, he knew he was married, but what the hell, how many would say "No" to the president when he says, "Here comes my Air Force One ....  zooooooooooommmmmm?" 

 You did it.  He did it.  And, Hilary doesn't look like she ever did it one day of her life!  If we all lived in France, you'd be catered to and awarded the best mouth of the month award!  Get over it!  Most of us did over a decade ago.

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7) Fast Food Workers are organizing a world wide strike.  Not only do they want wages of $15 an hour or more, additional benefits are on the table.  If they don't get what they want, they're willing to go on strike.  

Now, isn't McDonald's, Burger King, KFC and other chains supposed to be where high school kids and retirees make a little extra money to get by on?  Let's face it, the food sucks, they can't get an order right if they tried, and to get one of them to say, "Thank You" is a major chore.  Sorry, but these folks don't deserve $15 an hour.  No how and no way!  Learn how to speak English, go to school, and open your own damn restaurant so you can pay all your relatives $15 an hour to work for you!   

Otherwise, shut up and get me a damn chocolate shake!

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8)  Donald Sterling for being a racist S.O.B.  What would a professional basketball team owner do if he couldn't be a racist?  Who the hell knows, but since the NBA has said "Goodbye Asshole" for life to the Clippers owner, Donald Sterling, he's sure to find out.  Maybe if he kisses enough butt, one of his ex players will hire him as a chauffeur, just as long as he makes sure the car is kept clean and polished.

"Hey Donald, don't forget to wipe up that bird crap 
from the back window!  See it?  Yeah, the white crap there!"

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9)  Scientists have discovered that the Black Death of the 1400's may not have been spread by rats and fleas, but by airborne sneezing and coughing germs.  I'm so glad they've figured that age old question out.  Now, let's get their asses to work figuring out how to cure cancer in today's world, instead of worrying about a bunch of 600 year old skeletons!

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10)  Tax examiner positions are on the decline.  According to the Department of Labor, the position of tax examiner is on the decline due to many local governments downsizing.  Besides, when the rich are protecting themselves with loopholes and purchased politicians, and most other Americans are now holding minimum wage positions at best, the need for tax examiners has declined accordingly.  Where's Robin Hood when you need him?

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11)  Islamic extremists may have already sold kidnapped girls into slavery.  The Islamic extremist group, Boko Harum, after taking credit for kidnapping 276 Nigerian schoolgirls recently, is thought to have already sold the girls into slavery.  Boko Harum originally translated into "Western education is sinful", has now admitted that is actually means "We're as evil as everyone else but won't admit it."  

Sources say that the girls may only be the tip of the iceberg in a huge kidnapping/ slavery plan manufactured by the fast food industry to replace possible striking workers in the near future. McDonald's and Burger King are vehemently denying these rumors.

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So, my thankful rant has ended.  I can exhale the cigarette smoke I've been holding in and attempt to breathe deeply again.  I'm going back on hiatus ... and will return to you one day in the near future.  Until then, I only have one question:

"Where in the Hell is my chocolate shake???"

**One special note.  Most of you will be having a joyous day with your mothers this week.  I hope you take full advantage of it and make it a memory to cherish for decades to come.

When I was only thirteen years old, I lost my mother.  She'd been sick for years, so it was probably the kindest blessing that could have taken place for her.  That knowledge didn't replace the hurt that has never stopped churning inside of me.

My mother is the reason I am I.  She read to me over and over when I was young, sharing the wondrous worlds the books brought forth.  When I was old enough to start reading, she helped me struggle through book after book, usually 5-6 per week, until I had to have her go to the library and talk to the librarian about allowing me in the adult selections when I was nine.  Seems I'd read everything our small town library offered on the kids side by that age, and found them to be much too simple to suffer through again and again.

The last weeks of her life were trying times.  She lay upon my lap in a fetal position night after night as my father worked the night shift.  I helped her through the physical things a young person shouldn't have to experience, but had to as there was no one else to call upon.  

I'm not going to say I was always the most loving child during this time.  I might have been jealous of having to take care of her while others had normal lives.  Her medically induced hallucinations (by prescriptions far too strong for her feeble body) forced me to physically hold her down at times to keep her from hurting herself.  I was weary and tired.  Mostly, I was too damn young to understand what was happening.

Then, one Friday evening, as I walked up the drive from the school bus, my uncle called me to his car and quite bluntly said, "Rich, I don't know any other way to tell you this ... your mom's dead."   

I still feel the emotions rising as if it was yesterday.  God, it was over forty years ago.

How destructive such a loss can be to a youngster.  I don't know if I ever returned to my previous state of being.  Perhaps, I simply got tougher ... colder inside, as I learned that death was a part of life we were forced to deal with.  I think a part of my childhood died, too.  

I know she's always been with me, watching, disapproving of much I did and smiling at times over some of the things she knew I achieved.  Still, she's never left me.

"Happy Mother's Day, mom!"  Yeah, you're the one thing in my life that I'm most thankful for by a long shot.  I thank you so much for the things you did for me while you could.  One day, we'll sit down together and reminisce about them.  

Please, remember your mother this weekend and do something special for her.  As much as a pain in the butt she may be, you'll be much happier that you did.  


Visit all the great posts in this weeks 
Ten Things of Thankful