Friday, January 9, 2015

Sarcasm Returns ... Quarterback Obama, Fruitcakes and Guillotine Delights!! TTOT

Visit all the Ten Things Of Thankful Posts
So, after being such a "sweetie" last week, it's time to return to my regular, sarcastic self.

I know that's exactly what some of you were waiting to hear, and what some others dread.

But, you know, life is filled with ups and downs ... you have to take the good with the bad ... when the going gets tough, the tough get going ... check the latitude of your attitude and do a check up from the neck up ... if at first you don't succeed, try, try again ... there are doers and there are triers, those that do reach some degree of success, those that try never succeed ... and last but not least, how much ground could a ground hog grind if a ground hog could grind ground?

(If you'd like to add any motivational thoughts to the above, feel free to do so in the comments section.  We all need motivation from time to time.  It's like, have you ever put off going to the bathroom because you were typing something earth shattering until finally, the last bit of gas you release doesn't really feel like gas?  That's motivation!)

This year, my wife and I will have been together 35 years.  That doesn't mean we spend every waking second together.  In fact, I do a good bit of ignoring her whenever possible.

Oh, don't jump the gun and think I'm a cruel ass for doing that.  (I'll admit to ass, just not cruel ass.  That sounds like an ass is a separate entity that is disengaging from my body and chasing after people with teeth gnashing and claws raking.)  
The Nice Way To Say,
"Honey Hush!"

No, I bought her a MP3 player for Christmas and loaded it up with about 1000 songs so she could do the same thing to me.  Now, she can listen to music and ignore anything I say without having to mentally concentrate on ignoring.  I still force myself to mentally ignore her, which can be a task at times.  A task, especially difficult, when she begins rambling on and on about the grandchildren.

Okay, so I'm a grandfather.  Whoopteedoo!  Both of my daughters have found out how to get it on and breed.  Supposedly, that means that I'm a success in life.  I don't know why it means that, but when you tell people you're a grandfather, they look at you with a look of "hey, great job" in their eyes, like I was the one fathering the kids.

(No, that would never happen.  I'm not that perverted.  Ass, yes ... perverted, no!)

Okay, you cruel ass!  I'm waiting!
Come and get me sucker!
No, No, Help ... Help!!!!!
What's really strange is right at this moment, I'm envisioning exactly what a cruel ass would look like.  I mean, I'm not thinking about it attached to the body doing it's thing, but free of the body, scooting along on paper beads, clean as a morning shower and mean as an attack of warmed over refried beans and cold nachos.  You know, mean enough to take on Nicholas Cage and demonstrate what a cruel ass really is.  In fact, can't you see Nicholas Cage begging for help as he's being devoured by this giant, raving, raging, biting, slashing ass?  

No?  Oh well ... so much for that visual!

Sometimes, instead of positive things motivating you, the negatives work just as well if not better.  Think of it this way, if you saw an ass (as described above) charging down the street after you, wouldn't you get motivated to get the hell out of the way?  I know it would motivate me to move my big butt faster than some positive motivational lecturer standing beside me saying, "Take your time. Just start when you're ready!)

See, negative reinforcement has its place, too!

So do sarcastic asses.  

With that, I feel as though I've shaken off the niceness of last week's post and have returned to full sarcastic force.  So, let's get thankful:

This Week, I'm Thankful Ten Times Over For:

Fruitcake, fruitcake, tastes so good.
Would love to have some, sure would!
1)  Fruitcakes.  Although you may have a squirming butt right now, I'm one of the few people in the world that still likes Fruitcakes.  

Yes, I'm a diabetic and know that I shouldn't eat the damn things, but I can't help it.  I love fruitcakes!  My mother in law used to make fruitcake cookies that I also enjoyed.  Unfortunately, she didn't pass that art on to my wife when she passed on. (Like so many other arts she'd mastered in the kitchen, like boiling water and setting the temperature on the oven.)  

So, I'm stuck, waiting year after year, to spend my Christmas season hunting all the stores for one that has a fruitcake of any kind.  My luck seems to be running out as I could only find the long, rectangular ones this year.  And, having just finished the last piece of the only one I located, I'm going into a state of depression knowing that I have another eleven months before tasting that delectable treat again . .. if I can find one, that is!
 (I wonder if they serve fruitcake in the afterlife?)

2)  French Press Murderers.  And you thought the United States was the only place that people did stupid things.  Welcome France to the picture!

In Paris, France, two radical Muslims entered into a weekly magazine's offices and began shooting.  When it was all over, 12 people lay dead.  Unfortunately, none of them were the shooters.  However, in a later gun battle, they shot and killed a police officer, who was a Muslim.

Seems they were upset over the magazine's humor in depicting radical Muslims and their God.  So, in the most intelligent way any God ever gave man the brain to use, they stormed in and killed everyone they could!  Finally, after a day of running, they're dead. 
 (What do you want to bet there won't be protests for their deaths?  "Oh, but they were such good boys ... always helping their mother ... always willing to share bullets with their friends ... always there to help others strap on explosives ... such wonderful children they were!")

Now, I'm sure (if you've followed this blog at all) you're aware of my
Sacre bleu!  Look what we found in
ze back closet!  One for each brother!
thoughts on organized religion.  I don't believe in following the words of men.  Instead, I believe in following the words of God, whichever one you believe applicable to your life.  I'm against any religion that forces you to listen to a man tell you what's right and wrong, and who you should or shouldn't kill.  If we look at all the wars that were started and fought in the name of ALL different religions, we'd see the history of our world.  

There is nothing wrong with religion, as long as it is kept within the individual.  Man's body is his temple of worship, and man will answer to God individually, not because he's a member of one religion, or denomination.  Or, do you want to start second guessing him?

 Let it be known that anyone that pursues the killing avenue is a coward for failing to stand up and let it really be known why they feel killing is acceptable behavior for mankind to tolerate.  Otherwise, put the damn guns away and accept you're a member of the human race with abilities to reason and understand, as well as show compassion and tolerance to those that may not share your beliefs.   (Or, if you wish, start a suicide cult!  I'd love to supply anyone that wants to kill innocent people with all the Jonestown Kool-Aid they need to rid the world of their kind.  That way, the rest of us can live in peace, without fear of dumb asses shooting us!)

3)  Vegetables Get Even.  In Yuma, Arizona, a bus of tourists that were viewing cabbage and celery crops, flipped over on its side and injured over twenty people.  Seems that the vegetables didn't like their privacy being invaded and did the nasty "grab the wheels and flip it over" trick.  Survivors were happy that the injuries were mostly minor, and that they hadn't been touring a beef slaughterhouse/ processing plant, especially since they'd passed up a Chick-fil-A and stopped at a McDonalds for lunch.  (Just out of curiosity, how bad does life have to be to schedule your vacation to visit a cabbage or celery field?  "Damn, Honey, there's so many things to see in our country.  Let's see, the Grand Canyon looks interesting ... Oh my God, the hell with that!  We've already seen celery and cabbage.  Now, let's go watch the corn grow in Indiana!")

4)  United Airlines Employees Fired.  Thirteen employees of United Airlines were fired after viewing some words written on the back of their plane.  The words ... "Bye-Bye".  
We really are becoming a nation of cowards, aren't we?  Now, if the words were, "Die you suckers, Die!!!!", I might have been concerned.  But, with someone making fun of the "Bye-Bye's" that the flight attendants say at every destination exiting, this might be going a bit too far!  (If you really want to freak them out and get some real laughs, the next time you go to the john on a plane, grab some lipstick and write "REDRUM" on the bathroom mirror!)

5)  Cold Temperatures.  Extremely cold temperatures are covering sections of the United States this week.  Scientists are examining why these temperatures may be here.

Hey, dummy, did anyone ever tell you it's Winter!!!  You know, Winter Wonderland time with ice and snow and hot chocolate to warm you up!!!  Winter !!!!!!   It's gonna be cold.  Did you ever try to snow ski in the summer?  No!  You have to wait until it's cold enough to have snow.  That happens in the Winter!!!!!    Wait until Summer to try to build your sandman, it's SNOWMAN TIME!!!   Please, Lord, help the idiots for they are just damn stupid!!!!!!

Okay, I know I'm not a referee, but, I am
the president, and I'm well familiar with
screwed up calls.  Damn, I've made
more than my share!
6)  Obama On Football.   The President of the United States thinks the referees blew a call during the NFL playoff game between the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys.

Said one official, "If we'd have blown as many a calls as he has during his terms in office, we'd all be watching soccer on television instead of football."

The NSA will now be watching the FBI watching the NFL to see if the calls are accurate, or if we're all going to be SOL before long.

7)  Lower Gas Prices.  All week long, AOL has been promoting a story that brings us the downside of lower gas prices.  According to their report, approximately 9,000 more traffic deaths a year will take place as people hit the highways more.  They predict most of these will take place in the younger segment as they're more affected in the area of "time on the road" with their lower incomes.  

Let's see, that's 4500 bass rattling cars, 3200 texting drivers, and 1300 wanna be gang bangers that we will be free of on the highways!  Hell, let's lower prices another quarter and go for a record!

Hey, Charlie, hold off on paying those
annual bonuses!

8)  Honda To Pay $70 Million Fine.  American Honda has agreed to pay the U.S. Government $70 million for failing to report deaths and injuries caused by defects in their vehicles.  This is the largest fine ever charged any automaker, due to the failure to report these numbers from 2003 to 2014.  

Another big one hits hard.  First, Toyota goes to court time after time as they refuse to honor warranties for customers, Subaru recalls 199,000 vehicles to clear brake line rust, and now Honda fails to report problems with their vehicles.  Who can you trust anymore?

Mazda, anyone?

9)  Bostonian Olympics?   If the world is still around in 2024, Boston has been chosen to hold the Summer Olympics.

Just what Boston needs, more people in cars on their narrow streets.
So, I guess this means you
can always tune a piano, but
you can't tuna fish?

What's wrong with, say, Yuma, Arizona!  At least the tourists could see cabbages and celery grow in their spare time!

10)  Giant Tuna Price.  A record 400 pound tuna was sold at a fish auction this week.  The grand bidder, an owner of a sushi chain, paid over $37,000 for the fish.

Members of the local Sushi Eaters of America will keep a watchful eye on the chain, making sure the sign "Fresh Tuna" doesn't stay up for more than a couple of weeks.

Now, excuse me while I go feed my cats, both of whom are salivating greatly after reading this story.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
And, as much as I hate to say it, that's it for the world's stupidity this week.  I am happy that the holidays are over and people are going back to being their stupid selves again as it makes my task so much easier.

I did stay away from Bill Cosby, this week, even though he was once again in the news.  I'm still against the "guilty until proven innocent" practice of the times, even though things aren't looking great in his court. 

 Oh well, people forgave Pee Wee Herman.  


HEY!!!  Just a thought for you to get implanted in your head.

Soon, a book will be published.  There's about twenty of us that
 wrote short, humorous tales 
(okay, some more so than others, cough, cough) 
and have grown old and weary 
awaiting its presentation to the world.

I'll let you know when it's published so you can donate to the
 "I've Gotten So Much Older Just Waiting On This 
Damn Thing To Be Published" fund.

Here's a sample of what to expect. 
(Okay, Okay, it's the cover, not a sample!
Damn, give a guy a break!)

Save up your pennies.  

It will be worth it!