Friday, January 11, 2013

Finish the Sentence Friday Blog Hop #2


So, I've been away for a while.

I've been wallowing in self pity, depression, and a wasteland of ridiculous time wasting activities.

"God, why did you ever let Hostess go out of business!  
I miss Twinkies so much!"

Anyway, time to move on.  Life must continue.  

I've found sourdough pretzel bites to replace Twinkies!  I'm good!

Speaking of a wasteland of ridiculous time wasting activities, I'm participating in one developed to help one spread guilt and shame for past activities.

It's called, "Finish the Sentence Friday Blog Hop." (Hence the title of this post, just in case you skimmed over it too quickly to notice.)   In this activity, we are supposed to finish a sentence with real life activities we have experienced.  (Can you say it was developed by the cult of Sadists Supreme, children?)

Today's sentence to finish is, 

“One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was…”
So, in the air of good sportsmanship and group cohesion, I will parade my insanity that has aspired to be held within the hidden portals of my demented mind and release this unto all of ye at this time.  I could simply re-release yesterday's example of what not to post in a blog (which has been deleted after several comments proved the intended humor was not there), and go back into my hole.  Yet, I'm basking in the rays of an afternoon sun after drowning in the torrential morning rains we sustained, so I'll not go there.  Instead, let this be my offering:
One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was to drink Jagermeister for the first time while onstage performing stand-up comedy.
Now, let us first remember this took place over twenty years ago.  I'm much wiser now.  (Like I'm really proving it by telling this story!)
Now, we all know that comedians drink onstage ... right?  Well, most don't.  It's a myth.
I used to take one drink onstage, and then the bartender was under direction to send up club soda and lime for the rest of the show.  Any professional recognizes quickly that alcohol will dull your senses.  When you're doing your best to be witty, and handle drunks that love to heckle, you need to be on your toes.  So, drinking is a taboo to a professional.
However, one night, during a particularly good show and tremendous audience, a customer sent me up a couple of shots of Jagermeister.  Now, if you don't know, this is a 70 Proof German drink that tastes slightly like cough syrup, but will give you an almost immediate buzz.  (I found this out after guzzling both shots in record time.)
Within five minutes, another waitress arrived onstage with four more shot glasses of the liquid refreshment.  They, too, found immediate refuge within my spotlight drenched body.  This was followed by four more, and I believe, four more after that!
I really don't remember the rest of the evening.  However, upon arriving at the club the following night, the owner pat me on the back and congratulated me on getting the audience laughing so loudly.  He'd never heard them roar as they had the preceding evening, or so he said.  In fact, he'd never seen a comedian lying on his back, onstage, laughing so hard right along with them! (No, I don't remember that either!)
Apologies would have normally been given, but since he only presented praise, I simply said, "I just hope I can do the same tonight."
When introduced, I ran to the stage, did my standard opening bit, and appreciated the benefits of having another great audience on hand.  
Then, from the back, a voice rang out,
"Hey, you gonna get drunk like you did last night and piss your pants again?"
As Paul Harvey would have once said,  "And now you know the rest of the story."