Friday, November 15, 2013

Ten Things of Thankful ... The Rib Beating Edition!

rambling time again!

I guess that's why 
you're here.  Right?

Actually, I'm not sure how well the rambling is going to work out tonight.  My brain, in addition to being completely deep fried, breaded, and coated with mayo and hot sauce, is somewhat lax in its efforts to focus on any individual idea.

I've been sick.

Supposedly, a man isn't supposed to admit that.  They are supposed to carry the image that nothing can touch their macho "tough guy" facade.  No matter what is thrown at a man, he is supposed to stand tall, take the full brunt of the force, and act like nothing ever hit him.

F**k that!  I've been sick.

This bronchitis crap has been going on for almost a week.  It's always nice to cough up rubbish that reminds you that your body has junk inside that birds wouldn't eat.  (Ever seen a bird eat road kill?  And you thought that was bad.)  

You know the coughing continues after sleep when you awake with your ribs feeling like you've been the target of a police Billy Club assault.  What the police have against one sleeping I'll never know.  I'm just trying to figure out how in the hell they get into my bedroom night after night to perform their Billy Club exercises.  

How many of these damn guys do you let in
each night, anyway?
I'll bet my wife has something 
to do with that!

Yep, she's probably in love with one (or more) of the boys in blue and has been trying to figure out a way to end our relationship, and still keep all the stuff we've acquired over the years.  She's taking advantage of the affect NyQuil is having upon me, waiting until I've passed out, and then calling them, knowing that they're the experts in beatings without leaving bruises.  

And who knows what's she's doing with them after they've had their target practice on my ribs???   Knowing her, she's probably doing all sorts of sordid sexual acts ... dressing up like a prostitute and saying things like, "Hey boys, what's a girl gotta do not to get arrested around here?  Okay, you know how much I hate jail.  Lets do it!!"


Okay, so maybe the antibiotics are making me fantasize a little.  
Maybe she doesn't dress up!

Anyway, it's once again time for 
Ten Things of Thankful.

This is going to be a chore tonight.

This is where all of our fantastic hosts allow us to let our hearts flow with beautiful tidbits of thankfulness that are meant to instill warmth and serenity in each and ever person that reads them.

Boy, am I in the wrong place!

So, here's my sarcasm once again.  Hopefully, something will warm your heart.  

Just be careful of police officers carrying and aiming tazsers!

Ten Things Of Thankful
I'm so thankful ...

Cough it all up before you go into
the pharmacy, pulleeeaaasseee!
1)  ... that my wife works in a pharmacy.  Sick people go straight from the doctor's office to a pharmacy for medications.  Thus, my wife comes in contact with every disease known to man on a daily basis.  She normally doesn't catch a thing.  No, instead, she's a carrier.  Her body is a smorgasbord of germs by the time she walks in the house each evening.  Anytime I want an excuse to not go to work, I simply have to hug her the minute she arrives home.  Within minutes, I could be suffering from South Asian herpes to Siberian flu.  Who needs a damn mosquito to bite and infect you when my wife will do it without the pain and itching that accompanies the insect bite?  

2)  ... for telephone ringer cut off switches.  Who's calling?  Who cares?!?!  When bills can't be paid, collectors love to call you endlessly to inflict mental anguish and stress.  They don’t just let it ring a few times.  They’ll let it ring until it switches over to the standard phone company message (after 35 rings) that basically states, “Hey, Dumb Ass!  How many times does the phone have to ring before you realize they either aren’t home or don’t want to be disturbed by you?”  One flick of the ringer switch can bring you the peace and quiet you deserve.  Of course, not paying your phone bill can achieve similar results.

3)  ... for cooler temperatures.  Fall has finally arrived, bringing with it temperatures that allow one to drive in comfort with the heater on.  This eliminates the guilty feelings one has about using a little more gas unnecessarily when the weather is moderate, but you drive with your windows closed and ventilation fan on to avoid listening to Miley Cyrus getting wrecked and balled in the car filled with teenagers next to you at the stop light.  I really don’t care about what a wreck Miley is, nor who is balling her.  I just hope they practice safe sex.  Last thing I need is Miley going into a pharmacy and giving my wife something else to bring home to me!

Once, my favorite time of the year!
4)  ... for college basketball season!  Finally, my time of the year to enjoy television has arrived!  Now, I simply want to reek vengeance upon the psychologist that got me thinking about including one’s spouse in shared activities, as my wife has started watching as many games as I!  And, if she misses one while watching her “Dancing With The Stars” or “The Voice” or “Gray’s Sucky Anatomy” in the bedroom, she has me record it so that she can make me suffer watching it a second time later.  I’m betting that she’s only watching basketball now to learn how to set odds to be a bookmaker for the police each night!  Bitch!

5)  ... for kitty litter.  Having two wonderful cats (I have to say that to keep their claws from attacking my groin each night, after the police have had their target practice on my ribs, while I sleep), there is nothing so remarkable as kitty litter.  Unlike a dog, I don’t have to get out of a warm bed each morning to have them walk me around the block so that they can let me know they don’t have to go to the bathroom.  I see so many people being walked each morning by their canines that an immediate and overwhelming feeling of satisfaction flows through my system each time I watch my wife empty the litter box.  It’s nice when life is so simple!

Okay, so it's not a picture of grand beauty!
It still gets me where I need to go!
6)  ... for my Honda Ridgeline.  Having an All Wheel Drive vehicle when snow is in the forecast provides another stress reliever.  Plus, it has never let me down mechanically.  In addition, it has ample room for five people, a trunk for my snake collecting tools, and gets all of 10 mpg in city driving.  (Hey, almost 20 on the highway!)  True, I’ve been paying on it since the dawn of time, but still, it has been the only vehicle in over 30 years of driving that I haven’t wanted to trade out of for something new.  It’s also too big for my wife to feel comfortable driving.  That’s one way to make sure it stays in one piece!

What the Hell type of charity do these
guys represent???
7)  ... for the ability to give charitable donations.  Each week, I contribute to the Powerball and Mega Millions lottery/ charity.  I consider this a charitable donation as I have never collected any substantial amount from these donations.  I know several people that play the daily Pick Three lottery, and have won.  It is so nice to know that I’ve been able to help not only these individuals maintain the lifestyle they love, but also, all the illegal aliens and others that have profited from my donations.  It’s always nice to know that you’ve done something nice for people!

8)  ... for the idiocy of the Wisconsin Police officers who couldn’t wait until an individual wanted on a warrant for illegal firearm possession left the Children’s Hospital before trying to arrest him.  Okay, if a person has a warrant for this, wouldn’t you think he might be armed again?  And, if you thought he was going to be armed, why would you go into a Children’s Hospital to try to arrest him?  Isn’t that like saying, “Hey, the coals may still be warm.  Why don’t you pour some gasoline on them and see?”

Sure, let's go to arrest someone that might be armed
in a safe place ... like a Children's Hospital!!!!  Duh!!!
So, the police go to arrest this guy while he’s in the hospital and find him holding a baby.  No, he doesn’t pull a gun out.  Instead, he puts the baby down and starts to run.  So, the police pull out their guns, still in the hospital, and scream, “Stop, or we’ll shoot!”  When the guy keeps running and then, only after being threatened, pulls out a gun, the police open fire!  Then, the police make out like it’s all the guy’s fault they fired live rounds in a Children’s Hospital!

No history of violent crime, no reason to pursue him in the hospital to make an arrest, and no remorse over putting children in danger by their stupidity.  I wonder if these guys have relatives on the police force in my city.  Guess I’ll have to ask my wife!

9)  ... for the stupidity and greed of retailers who plan on being open on Thanksgiving.  Are these companies made up of individuals so greedy that they can’t wait 24 hours to start making money off of the holiday season?  Are these companies so callous that they could care less about their employees being able to enjoy one of the few special holidays a year where family life and get-togethers is cherished?  Are these companies so hypocritical that they will make hourly wage earners work while the corporate members get to enjoy a full holiday, as well as the day after, either with friends or family?  Isn’t is sad that the answer to all of these questions is “Yes?”
You mean I can get an entire album
for only this much?

10)  ... for the music industry that has decided to start charging more online for a music download than for the actual CD!  Of course, there is no physical production that has to go into music downloading, no cd’s to record, no labels to print, or no cases to load, so it makes sense for them to charge two or three dollars more for them on and ITunes, doesn’t it?  One would think that without all the expenses, prices would go down.  However, the music industry has raised prices over $5 this year on the average per CD.  What do you want to bet none of the producers and company executives are working on Thanksgiving?

And, that’s it!  Another Ten Things of Thankful is in the bag.  I’d appreciate you commenting below (I live for comments), as well as visiting the other great lists in this hop.  Oh, and if you happen to see my wife in the company of police officers, just ignore them.  

It’s better than getting your ribs beat on!