Friday, January 30, 2015

The Dark Side (without Luke), Superbowl, Healthcare Infections, And Sex With A Comedian! It's TTOT!!!

Visit All TTOT Posts HERE!!!!

This week, I tried something different.

I accepted a Flash Fiction Challenge.  This entailed looking at a picture and writing a story from it.

Not too bad, right?

Trouble was, there were very few people that knew about it.  Beyond the few that were invited, no one else really heard a thing.

Thus, views were almost not worth the effort.
Or, were they?

I enjoyed the challenge.  It allowed me to pursue an avenue I don't often get to travel ... into the world of the Dark Side (for lack of a better descriptive phrase).

Some of you have read some of my tales of "Gabriela, the Demon Cat" that I removed from the overly restrictive  These were dark stories told to me by my cat, Gabriela, about her previous owners and their mysterious and sometimes violent ways.

I really enjoyed writing those.

Strange, that a person that performed stand-up comedy be drawn into a world of murder, mayhem, maniacal personalities, and psychos, isn't it?

Actually, I just described the world of stand-up comedy perfectly.

I mean, in comedy, murder means to kill.  This is what you want to do to the audience every night ... kill them!  This means you've ruled the roost, had them laughing so much they didn't want to stop, and guaranteed yourself a return visit to the club sometime in the future.  Job security ... if you will.

Mayhem?  Ever see waitresses deal with drunks about their bills while a show is going on?  Upon occasion, it would get so bad that I'd have to assist them from the stage by coming down on the cheap bastard that thought he could get away without paying for everything.

I could say things like, "Hey, please hold it down over there and pay the lady what you owe her.  Have mercy, she's getting ready to have a baby.  In fact, her and I may be creating one tonight if you'd ever pay your damn bill so we could all go home and get to screwing!"

Nice stuff for nice people.

Maniacal personalities?  I've done a UPS Man spouting Hamlet, a kid in a bath tub figuring out that there are certain items that will grow and float if you rub them right, the Kool Aid man that rammed backwards into a wall doing the "Kool Aid Man breaking through a wall in reverse bit" and many others that I came up with.  Perhaps the "You give me a situation and let's see how it plays out" times were the best for off the wall things that just came to me at the time.  Anyway, all were pretty strange, to say the least.

Psychos?  Just about every comedian you meet is a psycho of some sorts.  First, all are paranoid another comedian is going to steal their material.  Since the only way to copyright it is to put it in a book and have it published, or perform it on a national television program, theft is fairly common.  I could name several well known comedians that have borrowed some of my material on a no return basis, but since I've long left the industry let them have it.

Secondly, there is always a female in the audience that wants to go home with a comedian.  They are in psychological need of someone to make them laugh.  (Comedians love doing that.  They also love making love.  Problem is, most do it at the same time.)  It is a constant battle to maintain loyalty to one's spouse when in this position ... or, any of the well known positions during hot and passionate .... ahhhhh, conversation.

Anyway, it goes to show that writing the Dark Side of Fiction is not that far from performing comedy.

Now, are you ready to laugh?   Just pull down the sheets and ....

Wait a minute. Forget I said that.

If you have a minute or two and would like to read a piece of fiction I'm very proud of, here's the link.

One or two of you have already read this and commented positively.  It would be nice to see one or two more comments there, even if you don't like it.

I've always been a numbers man.

(Smoked many of them in my day.)

I'll wait on you to get back before continuing.










Okay, are you back, yet?

Good, let's get on with our Ten Things Of Thankful for the week!

This week, I'm Thankful For:

1)  Winter Blizzards.   As much as you may hate the idea,
Winter is here and the
snowstorms, ice storms, freezing temperatures, and cold season is upon us.  I've been sick, you've been sick, the lady behind the counter at Wal-mart

Just think, in a few months you'll be able to bitch about 
the bugs, the snakes, and the Summer heat!

2)  Need Mo' Money!    President O-Bam-Bam-A is requesting an additional $74 Billion Dollars for his budget from Congress.  Seems Michelle needs a new dress.

(I'm just waiting for the time when all Americans can go to McDonald's and enjoy a meal without being told to hurry up because their lunch break is almost over.)

3)  AirAsia Plane Crash.   Final details have been determined from an examination of the "black box" from the AirAsia flight that crashed last month in the Java Sea.

Seems a French co-pilot was at the controls, having taken them over after a sharp ascent and descent.  Then, it hit the ocean and crashed.

So much for the Godzilla / UFO theory!
Damn, whatta story that would've made!

Damn, Miley's here!
Who Cares About Football???

4)  Superbowl ____?  
There has been an outrageous amount of interest in this year's NFL Superbowl.  So much that in 90% of the stories written about it, the Roman Numerals used to tell the educated what number of Superbowl it is have been omitted.

Yes, the dumbing of America has hit a new low.

"Damn, Buba, let's see ...
 I = one, V = five, X= ten, C ... well damn, 
C = see me eat barbeque and drink beer!  Later, y'all kin see me fart and puke, too!  Ain't no damn Southern teams playin' enyway!"

5)  Fallen Astronauts.  
AOL ran a story this week about the Challenger explosion of 30 years ago with the headline, "NASA Honors Fallen Astronauts."   

Was the word "fallen" really needed?

Dropping from thousands of feet high in the air 
pretty much already states that, doesn't it?  

I guess they could have called them "Crispy Critters", 
so I'd better shut up!

6)  Low-Life Scum!  
Senator John Mc "Git muh damn Cane" was heading a budget committee meeting this week when some anti war protestors barged in.  As security rushed to remove the protestors from the chambers, the senator was heard yelling, "Get Those Low-Life Scum out of here!"

Let's see, I seem to remember
 an old saying.  

Oh yeah, it went something like:

"Takes one to know one!"

God, I love politicians!

7)  White Castle Closes Due To Demand.  
The grand opening of a White Castle restaurant in Las Vegas lasted less than 24 hours, as demand for the porcelein poppers reached amazing demands.  Prior to closing for two hours to clean up the place and give the crew a rest, they'd been serving an average of 4,000 hamburgers per hour!

At 4,000 per hour, the whole town of Vegas is going to be experiencing
the White Castle Farting Syndrome in about 30 more minutes.  
If you're in or near the city of Las Vegas, please do not ignite any
cigarettes or other flammable items.  Also, should you start to feel 
dizzy from the fumes, just remember the last time you put your
wife's head under the covers and said, "Whoops!"
Told you God would get you for that one!

8)  Healthcare Infections.
Isn't it bad enough to be ill and have to spend time in a hospital?  Now, here's something else for you to worry about.  It is stated that 1 in 25 people that stay in hospitals will come down with a Healthcare Infection.  Some are so dangerous they may not be cured by antibiotics, and can even kill.  And, you could even become a carrier of the infection and give it to the ones you love, as well as the ones you hate!

Come to think of it, I got an infection after my heart attack 
seven years ago.  It took me a month of going to a specialist 
and a month of taking Cipro to finally get myself back under control.

See, the Healthcare Industry isn't there to get you better, but only to get you to come back, use more insurance money on treatments, and have repeat customers!!!   I guess that's why they send a blood test to four different labs and charge you four different fees for doing so!

You gotta love the system, don't you?

9)  Henry Ford Myths.
I know you were taught in school that Henry Ford invented the assembly line for automobile manufacturing, weren't you?  You may have also heard that he paid his employees enough to own what they built, right?  And, I'm sure you heard that he designed the Model T, correct?

Well, you and I were taught wrong.  The Benz corporation in Germany used the assembly line in Europe long before Ford did.  Employees that worked in Ford's factories were only paid a decent wage because he kept losing them due to poor and dangerous working conditions ... not because of his business fairness or generosity.  And, a Hungarian and a Danish immigrant designed the Model T.  Henry Ford had nothing to do with its designing at all.

Damn, next we'll find out that it was Tesla, not Edison, 
who was a genius when it came to working with 
radios and electricity.

What do you mean we already know that?  

Oh, well!

At least Orville Redenbacher invented popcorn ... right?

10)  Winter Blizzards.
The National Weather Center is forecasting two more storms for the New England area of the United States.  One will bring additional snow on Friday, and the other will bring either snow or freezing rain on Monday.

Wait a minute!  Didn't we start out this way with our list?

Could this be deja vu?  Could it be fate?  Could it be God's wrath?

Folks, it's just Winter!  Buy some hot chocolate and 
enjoy your days off from work.  If you were having 
weather like I am, you wouldn't
 be getting any days off!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
And, that's going to do it for another week of being thankful.  

Btw, if I haven't told you how thankful am when you read 
and leave comments, please let me do so now.  

And, if you did go and read my fiction tale, I'm really thankful 
for you doing so.  It's the times one goes out on the limb and 
the results they get from doing so that mean so very much.

Till next week, keep smiling!


Monday, January 26, 2015

Flash Fiction Challenge: "Good To See You, My Dear"

About a week ago, I received this through Google.  It seemed to be an invite ... an invite to do something I truly enjoy ... writing a fiction story.  Here, read it for yourself:

"Your mission if you chose to accept it: Incorporate the above image into a mysterious flash fiction story of 1500 words or less. If you know of anyone who would be interested, please extend the invite to them.

You'll write your post on your blog and share it here. We'll read each others words and it'll be a lovely way to bring in the new year."

And, here's the image:

So now, I bring to you my little story.  I hope you enjoy!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Good To See You, My Dear

You're walking faster tonight. You must be feeling the cold. Are you thinking about how warm it was earlier today when the sun was shining ever so bright?

Do you realize that when you walk you twist your right hip outwards an inch or so? It's not unattractive, so don't feel embarrassed by it. In fact, it gives your butt a little side bounce. Kind of turns me on a little. Actually, it turns me on a lot!

I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago when you walked home from the grocery store. Your arms, so full of plastic bags, made you look so helpless. I could have grabbed you then, but I didn't. I enjoy savoring the view for a while before indulging in the meal, if you know what I mean.

You live in the apartment building just across the street from me. Every night I watch you come home. You rotate out and pull both your legs out of the car at once, instead of one at a time, and stand up in one continuous motion. How you achieve that with your purse and computer case in your arms is beyond me. You're really in great shape!

I bet it's because of the exercises you go through each morning. You get out of bed, yawning and stretching as you stand in the glow of the morning sun by the side of your bed. Then, without even dressing, you start right in with the toe touches and the jumping jacks. I love the way your nightie bounces atop your boobs. It makes getting up early worth it for me.

One might say I'm obsessed with you. Well, I guess I am.

You're so naive as to how beautiful you are. I watch you changing outfits over and over in the morning, trying to find exactly the right combination before you go out. My dear, you look good in anything … or nothing.

Okay, time to stop those thoughts. I won't be able to walk if I keep that up. I think I need to start wearing boxer shorts instead of briefs. Watching you makes one realize how restrictive briefs really are.

You really must stop letting people spend time at your apartment, though. They're taking advantage of your kindness while you're gone during the day. It makes me so mad to see them hanging out with their friends, smoking dope while you're working hard to make ends meet. I'm guessing you're wondering where your friend with the short brown hair has gotten off to, aren't you? Don't worry, I saw her going into your top dresser drawer and stealing some cash from you. I made sure that won't ever happen again.

She didn't struggle that much. Almost not worth the effort.

And, that overweight woman with the dyed blonde hair that stayed with you a week or two ago is a nosy bitch. I'm guessing she's your mother, or perhaps an aunt from the way you greeted her. Dyed hair and too many wrinkles to be anything else, she was. I had to laugh at the way you seemed so happy to see her and then went into your bedroom and covered your ears with your hands as if to say, “Damn, just shut up and go back home!”

And, when you left for work she searched every drawer and closet in your apartment. Yeah, she found your pot, and even smoked a little of it, just in case you notice you're running a little short next time you light up. She also found your vibrator. But, don't worry, she didn't try it anywhere but on her right boob. She turned it on, smiled when it started and rolled it over her boob again and again. She must have giggled for five minutes before finally shutting it off. Funny, she looked like she hated to put it away. She probably bought one on the way home. Wanna bet?

And, while we're talking about people in your life, your boyfriend is a real jerk. Seriously, it seems like every time you two are talking about something and you leave the room to go to the kitchen or bathroom, he gives you a two handed bird. Yep! Both middle fingers raised in statuesque form as he mouths “Fuck You” over and over. He really does have anger issues.

You could really do so much better than him. He mistreats you all the time. And, don't tell me he doesn't. I see your face. You look like you want so much more than he can offer. He comes over, eats your food, watches your television, and then uses your body to get himself off, not caring if you reach your peak or not. You deserve so much more.

Why do you think I'm here, anyway?

It seems like I've waited so long … so long. Each day, I watch you from the darkness of my apartment. I even painted my living room black so you couldn't make me out when my lights were off. Sometimes I pull out my telescope. Other times, my binoculars give me a better view of you. But, that's only when I watch you from afar.

Am I so boring that you never see me? I'm always following you, but you never even know I'm there. At first, this made me mad. I'd ask myself, “Why don't you notice me? Am I not good enough for you?”

Then, I decided to use it to my advantage. Like, following you around in the grocery store. God, I love rolling my cart past you and smelling of the scent of your perfume. And once, you even turned away from the meat counter and bumped into me. I gave you a quick “Excuse me” and you gave me a head nod without even a smile or a single word. It hurt me that you didn't feel I was worth saying anything to, but I got over it. All, it took, was seeing you bend over the side of your grocery cart at the checkout and I nearly climaxed.

Struggling, as you do, to get those tight jeans on, is really worth the look they give your ass.

Too bad your boyfriend doesn't appreciate what you have to offer. Yeah, I saw the fight you two had earlier tonight. He hit you a couple of times, didn't he? Then he left you on the floor, crying and in pain.

I took care of the bastard for you. He went out into the alley to smoke as he has before. Of course, that's when he gets on the phone and calls someone that always makes him smile and grab his junk. I'm guessing it's another woman.

So, I simply walked up behind him and stabbed him in the back.  The knife barely scraped bone.  It was perfect!  

You should have seen the look in his eyes as he turned around, dropped the phone, fell to his knees, and tried to reach the knife with his hands. He couldn't do it, though. I'd made sure to stick it right in the middle so that he couldn't. Then, when he finally stopped thrashing around, I moved him off to the side, behind the garbage bin. He won't be noticed until the city picks up the trash.

I was going back to my apartment when I saw you. I'm guessing you just needed a walk … time to think a little. Maybe I do too. Maybe I just wanted to watch you twist your hips. Maybe I decided it's time for me to stop being invisible.

So, I followed you.

You really seem wrapped up in your thoughts. So much so that you don't even hear me coming up behind you. The closer I get I can hear you mumbling about how much you hate him. You seem angrier than I've ever seen you before. You deserve peace. You deserve to know what it feels like to have someone love you so much they'd do anything to stop your suffering. One that cherished you so much they'd even go the entire distance to send you into the afterlife, where the warmth of the sun doesn't seem like just a memory.

And then, I'll move on and find another.

Good, we're now on the bridge. A few more steps and we'll be directly in the center of the river.

Feel like a final swim?

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Please leave comments and let me know what you think!


Friday, January 23, 2015

TTOT ... Are You Being Watched ... legally ...also, ISIS, Kentucky Bonnie And Clyde, and Doomsday Clock! Smile!

Visit All TTOT Posts HERE!!!!
In 1949, George Orwell had the vision to see the future.  

It was not an optimistic vision.

In his novel, "1984", he forecast a day when the government would be able to control mankind through a network of inspection points, video monitoring, and other means.  

Could this be happening now?

You laugh ... or chuckle and shake your head "no" at that.  But, do you really believe that it's not occurring?

What do you say, "Let's get paranoid!"

It is speculated that the future will depend on a new technology.  This isn't a technology of voluntary efforts, but rather one that tracks everything you do in life.  A technology that will collect information about you in all facets of your life.  

There will be NO SECRETS!   Nor, will there be any privacy (as if you have any now if you're married).

If you go to a porn site on the web, this will be collected into your personal history.  If you talk badly about the government, this too will be entered.  If you use your credit card to purchase feminine hygiene products, you'll find this also in your collected history. 

Okay, guys, that makes you wonder about picking up those "special" items for your wife at the department store, doesn't it?

The information collected will be used to build a new "status" for eachindividual.  This status will be called, "Collected Reputation."  

Now, guess what it will be used for?

Employers will use this information for the purpose of deciding to hire you or not.  Talk badly about big business and you might find yourself in the unemployment line for a long time.  Speak harshly about the government and the NSA may be knocking on your door.  Use profanity on Facebook and the masses of the religious may swarm to your door to show you the way to repentance.  

And, that's just the beginning.

Personal privacy will become nonexistent.  The chips in your arms, the cards in your wallet, the phone in your pocket, and the travels on the Internet will all become public information.  "Will all become" ... excuse me, "ARE" public information.

Now, aren't you sorry you went to that porn site last night?

Already, tracking cookies are following you.  Have you noticed how the advertising you see on Facebook generally comes from places you've visited on the web?  Yep, they know you've been there and want you to come back.  So, while you were there, a tracking cookie was attached to you.  Now, it can follow you, see where else you go, count the number of times you return to its location, and present more of its products to you in the side advertising bars of various websites like

Technology ... Big Brother Is Watching ... and "Where You Lead I Will Follow!"  Just another way to control the populace and take away man's rights to privacy.  Remember, cattle have no secrets on the way to the slaughterhouse!


Oh, and be careful going to porn sites!

Anyway, it's time to be thankful, tens times over and ten times under!  There are so many items to discuss this week.  Let's see what we can come up with!


1)  ISIS Video Productions.  Could ISIS be getting into faking video productions?  Experts are looking into the fact that the recent video taken of two Japanese prisoners seems to have been faked!

Although stated that the video has been taken in the same surroundings as the previous ones, experts are looking at this and finding that there is light coming from two sources.  Now, unless the Earth has changed solar systems and we are now receiving light sources from two suns, this video was obviously made indoors with a backdrop of the desert.

"It's my guess that the security agencies are spending most of their time investigating the "change of the solar system" idea, 
rather than the other.  
Perhaps George Lucas should be consulted.  
If he's not available, there's always Jar Jar Binks!"

2)  Northeastern Snowstorm.  A snowstorm is forecast for this weekend to hit the Northeastern United States.  Some say that as much as eight inches of snow may fall.  The storm system was created because it is Winter and things like this happen during this season!  Duhhhh!!!!

"Anyone here wanna shoot an ISIS production video?"

3)  McDonald's To Eliminate Menu Items?   Allover the nation, McDonalds stores are screaming for corporate headquarters to eliminate two major areas of the menu.  

"Get rid of the Cafe" and 
get rid of the Happy Meals!

Parents and kids are screaming all over the world, "Don't get rid of my Happy Meal!"           

It seems that neither product seems to be a major area of concern to the company who feels best looking at a plate full of profits, instead of a plate or cup full of product.

So, have we seen the last of the Happy Meal?   

Remember, this is the meal that hooks many of our children on McDonald's in the first place.  Hooks them into the world of fast food munchies and obesity.   The meal that gives a token toy for inhaling the food that is bad for children and adults to consume.

I think I'm going to go purchase a Happy Meal right now, 
and be prepared if they do cut these food items.  
Let's see, I wonder if a Happy Meal will have 
enough preservatives to store it until 2034?  

4)  Clinton Film Stalled.  A documentary film by Martin Scorsese about President Bill Clinton's time in office has bee shelved.  One would assume it's because of artistic differences, and the fact that Scorsese wanted to present things truthfully, to which no politician would agree.  

It's my guess that Hilary put an end to the filming.  It might not set too well to have old memories of infidelity and blue dresses brought up during her run for the presidency.  

Anyone need some mouthwash?

5)  Carl Jr's Superbowl Ad.  Once again, Carl Jr's will be doing it for the men at the Superbowl!  Yep, there's a regional commercial for the Western Untited States that shows an attractive young lady eating a hamburger.  Problem for some is that the hamburger is dressed up more than the lady!

I'm not sure what the hamburger name is, how much it costs, 
or if it's even available in this area.  It's not my business to 
tell Carl Jr's how to make their hamburgers,
 but, like most male members of society,
 I can't argue with the way they make their commercials.

Anyone for a hamburger?

6)  Bill Belichick.  The head football coach of the New EnglandPatriots seems to be getting lessons on how to avoid controversy from politicians.  Amid the questioning on why 12 of 14 footballs were found to have two pounds less air in them than allowed by the NFL (making them softer to catch and such), good ol' Bill side stepped and basically said, "You'll have to ask my quarterback, Tom Brady about that."

It seems as though even NFL coaches are not immune to society's curse of "Blame Shifting" these days.  Although, let's remember that Belichick has only been in the NFL for forty years, so there's probably a lot he doesn't know.  (cough, cough)

Just think, Bill, it's only two years until the next elections take place.  
That's plenty of time for you to tune up your game and run for political office.  You should do just fine!

7)  Doomsday Clock.   Due to global warming, the threat of nuclear war, and man's insistence to ignore all warnings, the Doomsday Clock is now set at three minutes to midnight.  Never has it been this close to forcasting total destruction of the human race.

The Doomsday Clock is operated by a group of Atomic Scientists who measure facets of society, the environment, and natural history.  It is their position to try to keep the world from avoiding catastrophic disaster.  Could it be that their funding was cut back that has brought forth this fury and wrath?  Or, could it be a real warning of things to come?

Hell, forget about paying bills and just party!  
It's all almost over!

8)  Abortion Bill Takes Funds.    It's called the "No Taxpayor Funding For Abortion Act" bill.  On the anniversary of "Roe vs. Wade", Republicans in the House Of Representatives passed a bill to cut any public funding for abortions.  

It should have been named the "You Play, You Pay" Bill!

No, I'm not a Republican.  Nor am I a Democrat.  I'm an American that is fed up paying for kids having kids and ignoring the fact that we all have a certain amount of personal accountability for us to be responsible.  

Still, let's remember that most of the kids being born these days are in homes where common sense doesn't exist.  Single parent households where the parent is still in junior high school for the most part.  Do we want to keep these folks from having a possible abortion and saving the world from having more and more stupid people?

I guess the government thinks so.  Just goes to show they really do want the masses to be more stupid.  Without active thinkers, it's so much easier to get over on the public!  Thus, forget any chance of the bill not passing in the Senate!

So, take the dip and breed another welfare slip!
You gotta love our country, don't you?

9)  Bill Cosby.  Damn it, did you or didn't you?  There is a few getting ready to take you to court.  Let's just put it all out on the table and be straight!  You're not a politician so that should be simple.  Sit down and have a cup Jello with me and we'll talk about this.  What? The Jello tastes a little funny?  And, you're getting sleepy?  Just out of curiosity, Bill, do you wear boxers or briefs?  

10)  NO, we're not Bonnie and Clyde.   This last week, a couple of teenagers from Kentucky (must have been inbreds) decided they were in love and wanted to get away.  So, they stole a truck, then another, and then another, went to a Walmart in Georgia and cashed a bad check, and were finally picked up in Florida sleeping in one of the stolen trucks.  Now, they're back in Kentucky getting charged for their crimes.  Trouble is, the girl lied to the guy time and time again, and told him she was of age.  Well, she was ... of age thirteen!  So, now the teenage boy has a rape charge against him, too!

Too bad she wasn't his sister!  They'd have gotten away with it then!

Okay, that's it for another week of being thankful.  Sorry this one may seem a little rushed (it was) but I completely ran out of time this week.  Give me another chance next week and I promise I'll eather do better or nothing at all!  



Friday, January 16, 2015

Achy Breaky Hand, The Return of The Fruitcake, Marlboro Man Gone and Presidential Oops! It's Ten Things Of Thankful!

Visit All TTOT Posts HERE!!!!

Did you ever unknowingly injure your hand?

My left hand, more specifically the small and ring fingers and the muscles in the palm underneath, have ached and ached for days.  

And, for the perverted minded,
I'm right handed 

This makes typing difficult.  Not only is there pain to deal with (okay, okay, nothing like giving birth, I'm sure, but still it aches with any movement) but the fingers already mentioned (if you were reading instead of skimming you'd know the two I'm talking about) are extremely stiff.  

And, for the perverted minded, 
the fingers are all that's stiff.

I'm lucky that only my hand hurts.  I could be a politician and have to worry about my nose growing every time I opened my mouth.  What do you think the odds are that most of them have a nose job done fairly regularly because of that.  I'm guessing that's why none attended the anti terrorist peace rally in Paris last weekend.  They couldn't fit in the seating area of the plane without sticking their noses in the aisle and goosing the flight attendant every time he walked by.

And, for the perverted minded,
 I don't goosestep like the German Army.

I've heard of people making wild and passionate love for hours and hours.  (Actually, I used to hear them do that when I stayed in hotels fairly often.  Strange but True!)  The moans and the groans were not moans and groans of pain, but instead, moans and groans of knowing their spouses were somewhere else and they could enjoy sex without having to get up and take out the garbage afterwards.    

And, for the perverted minded, 
I haven't moaned or groaned in years. 

 (Damn it!!)

My grandmother used to tell me that she was always faithful to my grandfather until he died, and then she slept with two men every night, Art H. Ritus  and Ben Gay.  (I found out later that she was lying to me as that was a joke she'd stolen from a Reader's Digest Condensed Book of old.  I think it was the same one that asked, "How do you catch a unique bird?" Ans:  "U nique up on it!" )  

However, my grandmother used to moan and groan every time she either sat, or got up from her special rocking chair.  I think it was because she'd sit in the chair for hours rocking, remembering the days when her and my grandfather used to moan and groan in hotel rooms.  Over the years, the memories had turned to hemorrhoids and became a real pain in the ass.  As my grandmother was not a small woman, neither was the size of her ass, or her hemorrhoids (I can only imagine), and neither was the pain they provided.  I know my grandmother was never a flight attendant, but I'm not sure about her ass's relationship with politicians and their magical growing noses.    

And, for the perverted minded, 
how dare you envision my grandmother's ass!  

Man, would you believe my left hand still hurts?

I might have injured it while attempting to pick up a box that had been delivered by a UPS driver today.  His note said:  

"We have weight restrictions.  The next time you decide to 
have Stonehenge moved from England to Kentucky, hire FedEx."

I rediscovered the pain in my hand trying to pick up the box.  After enlisting my neighbor's construction crane, we managed to lift the box upon a four wheeled cart, roll it into my kitchen, spend three hours cutting through the twenty-five rolls of tape it was wrapped in, and finally was able to see what was inside.

I'm on my way to a Kentucky Stonehenge!!!!!


I couldn't believe it!  After talking about how much I loved fruitcake in last week's post, one of my most faithful readers, Zoe, took the time and went to the expense not only to make it for me, but to also send it to me.  Damn, postage alone had to be over $100 just because of how heavy it is!  And, good ... oh my god, it is fantastic!  Thank you so much, Zoe!  My taste buds thank you, I thank you, and my diabetes ... well, two out of three isn't bad, is it?  

Okay, so besides my achy hand and Zoe's phenomenal treat, 
this week I'm thankful for:

1)  Presidential Oops!   As I wrote about earlier this week (in a post that almost no one saw) the United States was negligent in sending any leader to the Paris March against terrorism.  It wasn't that the President or Vice President were busy.  In fact, their agendas were empty for the weekend.  No, they just blew it!  Or, perhaps, they just blew it off!

Over forty leaders from world countries participated in an effort to show
Only 50 cents for Freedom Fries!
They're for people who can't spell
unity against the destruction and lack of human compassion terrorism displays.  In the wake of the Paris terrorist actions of last week, it would have shown great class to have been a part of the scene.  However, in constantly lacking any type of class, our government leaders decided to sit at home, rest their asses in easy chairs, and watch football playoffs.

To make matters worse, no apology has been, or will be issued.  In fact, John Kerry is now heading to Paris to give them what he thinks they really need, "a big hug."  

(I think I'd tell him what he could do with that big hug if I were a leader of France.  I also believe that I'd invite him to a state dinner, put a plate of French Fries down in front of him, and ask him how the damn "Freedom Fries" were tasting.  Then, as a climax, take him a covered dish, remove the lid, and display a cooked crow, just in case he was ready to eat some.  Dumb Ass Politicians!)

85 Years Old Sounds Pretty
Damn Good To Me!
2)  Darrell Hugh Winfield Dies at age 85.   Darrell Hugh Winfield, better known as "The Marlboro Man" died this week at the ripe old age of 85.  Darrell was the face of Marlboro cigarettes from the late 60's to the late 80's, making the smoking of filtered cigarettes acceptable to men.

As I sit here, smoking my Marlboro Special Blend Light 100, I can only remember my aunt and uncle, both of which died after giving up cigarettes.  I don't know if active smoking keeps the body producing cancer fighting corpuscles or not, but after seeing those relatives suffer, I'm willing to give it a try and continue to smoke.  Besides, as long as you're coughing, you're alive!

3)  Young Doctors.  I don't know if anyone else has had their long time doctor retire on them or not, but it's not a happy occasion.  A doctor knows you personally, works with you hand in hand to ensure you get better, and provides some small talk to make the experience somewhat more pleasurable.

Take two bottles of formula
and call me in the morning!
I went to my new "young" doctor this week.  Damn, what a wake up call!

First, I go to female doctors.  No, it's not because I'm trying to sway them with my untouchable intelligence or James Bond good looks.  In fact, if that was what I had to depend on I'd be in trouble.  No, I go to female doctors to keep their fingers out of my butt!

I don't know what it is about male doctors, but every time I visited one, they wanted to give me a prostate exam.  I even went to a specialist two weeks after having a prostate exam for a completely unrelated matter, and he damn near forced me into allowing him rear access.  Either I've got and exceptionally cute butt to male doctors, or they're all in cahoots to cash in big by charging the insurance companies for something that should be kept to prison systems and San Francisco residents!

Anyway, my new doctor is a young female ... I think.  Actually, she's more like a damn robot.  Question ... answer ... question ... answer ... no small talk, no bedside manner, no nothing!  She either thinks she's a god of some type being a doctor, or she hates men!  Either way, she won't be getting any more of my business.  If you're going to collect big bucks from me, you'd at least better communicate in a friendly manner and keep your steel bedpan personality to yourself!  Bitch!

If you think our Pizza is loaded,
wait until you check out
our employees pistols!
4)  Papa John's To Stand By Employee.  In a rare move, Papa John's is showing that it is a company with the balls to stand up to all the cry babies and keep an employee employed.

A delivery driver, who was being robbed at gunpoint, pulled out a pistol and shot one of her robbers in the face.  He was later found and arrested.  The other robber stole her car while this was taking place.

Even though she was breaking the rules of the company by carrying a firearm, Papa John's management says they are not going to fire her as the safety of their employees comes first.  In fact, they're going to re-assign her to a position inside their store, instead of doing deliveries.  In addition, they're going to get her counseling to help her deal with the event.

It's nice to see a company stand tall against crooked lawyers and thieves and look at their employees as valuable assets for a change!

In a related story, another Papa John's driver was held up 
this week in St. Louis.  The robber made off in a white truck.  Anyone seeing a person in a white truck resembling 
Al Sharpton is advised to call the authorities.

5)  Pope Francis Says There Are Limits.  Freedom of speech has been the question after the attack at the French magazine offices last week.  Can you make fun of the God of others and not expect them to be upset?
Listen to me, I make sense!

"There are limits" says the Pope.  

To make a long story short, if you disrespect someone or something, expect those that worship it to be upset.  Now, common sense should tell you that it is never right to kill in the name of religion.  Still, use that common sense to show a little respect.

(Damn, here is a Pope, a man of God, telling people to use a little common sense.  I think he and God need to get a little more into this discussion.  In fact, I'd love to be there when God tells the Pope that in today's world, there is little to no common sense in society's actions.  Actually, a display of common sense happens about as often as someone wins the Powerball Lottery and keeps their job.  Hey, God, gotta second?")

6)  RadioShack or just Shack?   RadioShack, once an electronics giant, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy.  Competition from online marketers and major electronics warehouses has proven to be just too much for the struggling retailer.  

When we're gone, who will you have
to joke about, besides politicians,
Miley Cyrus' boobs, and
Justa Beaver?
I worked at a RadioShack for over a year while in college.  You didn't make much money there as it was more geared for managers to survive.  Still, you got to work with the latest electronics, act like a stereo expert when parents and the elderly came in to purchase an all in one unit, and you had a future in being able to get the flashing "12" off of any digital screen without sweating.  

No, I wasn't the one in the short sleeve shirt with plastic pocket protector and tie.  I wore my torn jeans, blue jean vest, and modestly decorated shirt most of the time.  My hair was on my shoulders, my mustache and goatee were showing hope of someday reaching puberty, and I was voted the one most likely to be able to find some pot for after work parties.  Life was grand.

I hate to see RadioShack go.  It holds a lot of foggy memories for me.  Still, without it, how would I have ever developed my philosophy that pot will get you through times of no money better than money would get you through times of no pot?

7)  Keith Richards Unimpressed With Justa Beaver (Oops, Justin Bieber).  71 year old Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones saw Justin Bieber during an island vacation recently.  After a few quips with each other, Justin went over to Keith and tried to communicate.  Richards looked at Beaver (Oops, Bieber) and said, "Let's get one thing straight. You're just a wannabe."

(My respect for Keith Richards has just grown tremendously.
  Obviously, all the drug usage over the years hasn't had nearly 
the affect on his brain cells as previously thought!)

8)  Cardale Jones To Return To School.  Unlike so many dumb kids these days, Cardale Jones will be returning to Ohio State next year.  Cardale, Quarterback of the National Champion Ohio State Buckeyes, won the Big Ten Title, a NCAA Playoff Game against highly ranked Alabama, and finally, won the National Championship against Oregon in his only three starts of the season.

"Finally, a kid with some common sense! How rare is that?"

Too many athletes are going to college for one year and then turning to the professional ranks these days.  Too many coaches are using ballplayers to advance their own careers, and not looking at the maturity level of the kids they promise parents they'll keep their best interests in mind.  The kids end up not being ready for the professional ranks, failing to make squads, and being cast aside like a used and dirty napkin.

Many claim the "one and done" is now a way of life.  One major university I've very familiar with has practiced this for years in their basketball program.  The coach states, "I make millionaires."  Truth is, he's a millionaire and many of the kids he's coached are now out of the pros and having to figure out how to survive.

Survive?  After a huge signing bonus?  Give an 18 or 19 year old kid a huge amount of money and watch them squander it away.  Gold chains, big cars, homes they can't afford to pay for, and partying will make a rich man poor before you know it.  And that's just what's happening to the kids.  

In fact, out of all the players this coach has sent to the pros, only six are still actively playing today.  But, the coach still has his multi million dollar contract, multi million dollar house, and multi million dollar bank account.

How many millionaires, coach?  

At least this one had more sense than the ones you've recruited.

9)  Less Tax Audits Forecast.  With Obamacare questions mounting up for taxpayers, the I.R.S. will have 1,800 less representatives available to answer questions.  Congressional budget cuts made having representatives available for answering questions a thing of the pass, as it is also forecast that less that 50% of those that call will ever reach a human being.

However, this also means there will be fewer people audited in the upcoming year.  It is estimated that less than 1% of the public will go through audits.

"Having an audit is like going to a proctologist.  The more they find the deeper they search and the more it hurts!" 
(That's my line, copyrighted, just in case you want to steal it.)

So, this year, act like the leaders of this great nation.  Lie like hell on your tax returns, plead ignorance and budget cuts created any confusion, and go buy yourself a new home!

10)  40 Year Secret.  In the back of a Los Angeles residence, a 40 year secret came to an end.  An eight foot alligator was found living there.  Unfortunately, in the box with the alligator, were the remains of two dead cats.  Investigators are asking members of the neighborhood that have lost pets over the past 40 years to step forward.

Seriously, is this really national news?  Exotics are kept in various places throughout the United States.  Keepers recognize what they have, and either keep it safe and secure, or end up as its meal.  It's really quite that simple.

I kept venomous reptiles for many years.  I bought professional cages, had procedures typed out in case I was bitten and couldn't speak, and kept them under lock and key.  When the state made it illegal to keep them (due to their own liability concerns) several things occurred.

1)  People that had them didn't always get rid of them.  Many had grown to love their pets, much as a dog or cat lover would.  This made a person that had a pet and cared for that animal responsibly a criminal.  There are far worse criminal to pursue than an animal lover.

2)  Anyone that did experience an escape would no longer notify the community for fear of imprisonment.  Previously, one would notify all to make sure safety came first.  After the law went into affect, no one would be notified, and the community (the state had stated they were protecting) became less protected than ever before.

3)  Big business won ... again!  Many of the individuals keeping these animals had facilities that were more secure than various zoological societies require.  Yet, the societies looked at them as competition.  Why would anyone pay to see animals at a big zoo where they can be mistreated behind closed gates, when they could see animals that were loved as a small zoo?  Even small zoos that had just become approved by these societies said, "Hell, even though that's how I got my start, let's keep others from being able to do the same!"  Big business again rules and the little guy loses.

4)  Horror stories hit the air.  Animal Planet and other stations started carrying shows that were produced by these societies like Fatal Attraction.  These shows were to only display the negatives of animal keeping, tainting the air for the survival of smaller facilities.  And, like the web, everything you see on television is always true.

(In a world that preaches personal freedoms, more and more restrictions are being imposed everyday by our governments.  Unless we stop this soon, you'll be told what to say, when to say it, and how to live your life by these rules.  I'll be dead by then, but many will not.  I hope you love the world society is now creating.  Remember, one day, it will be too late to learn from your mistakes.  That is, unless you're dead like I'll be, and then, it really doesn't matter much!)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

So, another week of thankful has bit the dust.

Two things, remember, our book will soon be coming out,
so save your pennies.

Another is there will be a thousand cries of compassion in 
late February.  This could be a good thing, and even though 
I'm far from what one might consider compassionate, I'm 
going to participate.  I know Lizzi has all the details, so 
get with her and visit the Facebook page to learn all about it!

Till next week,