Friday, January 24, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Purgatory, Justin Bieber and Get Over It

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I have to be blunt.

(Like you'd expect anything 
else from me.)

I don't have any idea as to what I'm going to write about tonight.

(Like I ever do.)

But this is worse than usual.  
I think I'm brain dead. 

(I know, you're thinking, 
"What else is new?")

There are times one probably should just push the keyboard away and say, "The Hell with it!"

(This may be one of those times.)

I worked with a Methodist Pastor today.  He told me a few things about his denomination.  It started me thinking.

(OMG, that could be dangerous!)

I started coming up with all sorts of ridiculous questions and puns while dealing with him.  I wasn't being evil, but something inside of me just started up.  

I wondered:

  1. When a Pastor converts followers, is it call pastorizing?
  2. When a Methodist Pastor puts on his robe, does he still have clothes on underneath?  Or, does he just wear Jesus boxer shorts?
  3. If being a Methodist is similar to being a Catholic (except for being married), are our kids safer there than with a Priest that isn't supposed to have sex, but does?

... just to name a few.

For some reason, I also started thinking about Purgatory.  I've never really thought about it before.  I have always known that it's there for those not ready to go up, but not bad enough to go down, but I never really considered what it would be like to be in Purgatory.

Then, I remembered twenty-three hours I spent in the Atlanta airport many years ago.  I'd missed flights thanks to engine problems in Orlando, and it was the day before Christmas.  (If you've never flown in stand-by status the day before Christmas, you've never experienced life.)  

"Welcome to Purgatory International,
your home until decisions are made!
Then it hit me, Purgatory would be like that airport on that day ... only longer!  Everyone would be pissed off that they'd missed connections and couldn't go anywhere.  People would scream and shout at the mindless clerks behind the ticket counters that could only repeat, "There'll be another flight before New Years, just keep your eyes on the connecting screens."  An exhausted wannabe flyer would fall asleep next to you and droop over on your shoulder, drooling.  The plastic waiting chairs would become chairs of torture as your tail sought solace in a cushion, so rarely found.  The sandwich stands, with their green ham and cheese would overcharge you without mercy and taunt you with pictures of food that was actually edible, but not found anywhere.  And, the endless numbers of parents, walking endlessly throughout the airport, seeking enough seats for all to sit, were numb to the screams of weariness and frustration of their spouses.  

God would be up above gauging how each person reacted to each situation.  He'd be checking his list like Santa Claus, finding out who is naughty and nice, and calculating vacancies in Heaven's low rent housing district.  He would supply an open seat every once in a while for a worthy traveler to finally arrive at their sought out destination.  And, for those unworthy, constant rows of toilets missing any semblance of toilet tissue.  Oh, I might add, for those thinking themselves crafty, God was one step ahead by ensuring the airport to run out of makeshift toilet tissue in the form of napkins at the food stands hours before.

Something tells me I need to clean up my act if I don't want to spend much time there.

(Either that, or stock up on toilet paper!)

So, today we get together and spread thanks ... that we're not in Purgatory ... yet!

Ten Things of Thankful again hits the streets running.  

"See Lizzi Run!  See Lizzi Run!  
See Spot chase Lizzi!  See Spot chase Lizzi!  
See the dog catcher chase Spot!  See the dog catcher chase Spot!  
Welcome to a new form of Purgatory!"

I'm Thankful For:

"And they even got me a red
jumpsuit because they said
it was my color!"
1)  ... Justin Bieber.  I've never been a fan of Justa Beaver, but his actions this week in Florida had be roaring with laughter.  First, he gets taken for $75,000 at a strip club, and then he gets arrested for resisting arrest, speeding, and D.U.I.   He's still being sued by his California neighbor for damages ensued by an egging that took place from Beaver's estate, and his former girlfriend is now telling everyone he has a drug problem.  

Sorry, no mercy for the Beaver!  Here's a kid that was lucky enough to get discovered, but has decided to make his own path by hanging out with rappers with criminal records.  What's the old expression?  Oh yeah, "You can tell a lot about a person by who they hang out with."  His "crowd" is obviously milking the Beav for as much cash as they can (since most of them are fairly unknown) and he's letting them do it!  "Sorry, Beav, it's time to grow up, find some new friends, and get yourself straight.  Otherwise, we'll see your picture soon on the Grammy's as an artist "no longer with us."   By the way, the Cleavers disowned you!

"See, even as a President's wife, I'm
much funnier than you ever were!"
2)  ... Jay Leno.  For years, I watched Johnny Carson religiously.  Night after night I laughed and cried with the man.  Then, Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show.  

For twenty years, I've avoided the Tonight Show.  Yes, I tried watching the man who couldn't tell a joke right a few times, but my patience grew weary very quickly.  Movies, sporting events, and recently, all 43 episodes of the Walking Dead have sufficed to sate my night time viewing needs.  Now, I understand Jay is leaving.  

"Jay, you've given so much to the Tonight Show.  Kind of like an epidemic of bad jokes, unconcerned conversations, and painful hugs to members of rock groups you couldn't stand to listen to.  Jay, please, don't let the door hit you on the way out!  It's the only thing you haven't ruined during your stay there!"  (Yeah, my heart is breaking, can't you tell?)

"Eenie, Meanie, Minie, Moe .... "
3)  ... Pain pills!  There are many types to choose from, but unlike a Colorado pot customer, I let my doctor do the choosing for me.  If something is not strong enough, I ask her for something that will really knock me on my butt.  Best of all, they're legal!!!  Combine them with a muscle relaxer or two and you've got yourself an evening of pure, mellow enjoyment.  Of course, I really do have pains to deal with in my neck and shoulder area, but I will admit to taking them once or twice because they really do make you feel so much better.  Of course, if you have some in the house you must be sure to keep them away from the kids.  (Let them get a pain and get their own!  There's only so much sacrificing a parent can do!)

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a
concoction that has all the abilities of a
modern laxative without having to be
purchased in a pharmacy!"
4)  ... Chili!  Is there anything any better than a hot, steaming bowl of chili on a cold Winter's day?  Absolutely not!   Hamburger, beans, elbow macaroni, onions, peppers, corn (Southwestern style), combined with all the right spices and a roll of Ritz Crackers, and you've got a meal fit for a King!  Cut up some Jalapeno peppers and hot onions, mix them together with a hair of water, and let them set in the fridge for two or three hours, and you’ve got the perfect mixture to add to the chili to get it to the temperature your stomach can handle without making you pay the next day!  (If you do overdo it, just make sure you’re not in Purgatory and have plenty of toilet tissue on hand!)

5)  ... Shoes.   It’s the ice and snow of Winter that really makes a person love shoes.  No, I’m not talking the “I’m gonna collect all the new styles” type of love, but simply the “Damn I’m glad I don’t have to go barefoot in that crap” type!

I know there are people who swear that they can walk on fire without hurting their feet.  “More power to them!”  My feet don’t like sand that's been sitting in the burning sun for hours, nor snow and ice, that’s sitting there just daring you to jump in barefoot!  Have you ever heard of someone sitting on the snow running their toes through it to cool them off?  HELL NO, YOU HAVEN’T!!!!  Even my wife, whose soles resemble Fred Flintstones’, wears something on her hooves feet in the Winter.  Sometimes, my feet get so cold I wish I had two pairs of shoes on!  That’s usually when I lay next to my wife and slowly put them on her backside.   (Gotta give it to her, even at her age, she’s still got some speed!)

6)  ... Basketball.  I know, you’re tired of hearing about how I love college basketball.  I’m afraid I have something to admit, it’s starting to get boring.  The kids are growing so big anymore that they fill up the court and don’t leave any room for maneuvering the ball.  So, to make the game more interesting, I recommend making the basketball twelve sided instead of round!  Think of how much fun dribbling would be.  One bounce and it’s a guessing game which direction it’s going!  They’d have to pass it so much more just to get it down the court to score, jump on it to stop it from going off in weird directions, and start wearing a little more padding to keep from getting all battered and bruised when they dived for it.  Wait a minute ... sounds kind of like football, doesn’t it?  Oh well, scratch number 6.

7)  ... Football.  (In particular, the Superbowl!)  So much hype over games that usually don’t live up to the praise and advertising they get.  It’s an excuse to get together with friends and enjoy a full day of hearing the same things said over and over, until the game starts and you get to see the same thing over and over.  Yeah, I’ll probably watch it just like you will.  If I didn’t, how else could I talk the next day about all the weird commercials that air?  (I’m wondering who what Go Daddy’s gonna show naked advertise this year?)

"I hate the way your perfume smells, too!
I just don't make you go outside
because I'm an adult and can adjust!"
8)  ... Outside Smoking Areas.  I’d like to personally thank all the politicians and bosses in the world that have decided smoker’s have to be put in the windiest and wettest places on Earth to smoke a cigarette.  OMG, to be seen smoking a cigarette would put such a stigma on an industry that they’d never recover!

Look, I understand that non smokers don’t want to smell our smoke.  So, here’s an option, I don’t blow my smoke in your face and you don’t blow your B.S. in mine!  Believe it or not, you’re not a superior creature because you don’t smoke, nor am I because I do.  Just remember, we’re all people in this world and you can’t be the only ones to have your way over and over again.  And, come up to me and tell me how dangerous smoking is to one’s health, and I’m likely to show you how dangerous degrading a smoker can be to yours!  

I don’t drink, but I don’t come up to you and tell you how bad your vomit smells when you do!  Nor do I complain about you always coming to work with a hangover.  Nor do I care about you wasting money drinking something you’re only going to throw up later!  In other words, “Get over it and shut the hell up!”  I promise, if you do that, I won’t flip a hot ash on the back of your sweater when you walk by!  

"Get Over It and Get A Life!!!"
9)  ... Offending People.  If I offended you in number 8, good.  What?  Yep, it’s good for you!  People are so uptight about being offended these days they’re pinching their ass cheeks so tight they’re gonna explode if they eat any chili!  Damn, people, it’s good to be offended!  It shows you have some personal feelings that don’t equal those of others.  It shows you still have some semblance of individual thought.  It shows you still have the guts to stand up for what you believe in even though everyone else may be against you!  It shows you’re not a damn cow that likes being herded like the rest of the politically correct crowd!

If we let the politically correct society rule us, we’ll all have scripts that have been okayed by the masses that we can speak to each other, and only the scripts.  We’ll all be wearing the same uniforms and walk or march in unison with each other so being out of step doesn’t offend anyone.  We’ll only have one television channel to view as we can only think one way and react only as society approves.

It’s time to stand up and quit being worried about being offended and toughen up your skin a little.  Grow some balls and remember you are important, too!  Don’t follow the herd. Think for yourself!

And, let’s get me a smoking area someplace where the chill factor isn’t 20 degrees below zero!

10)  ... Long Underwear.    Hey, you put me where it’s 20 below and what do you expect?  Sure, I look like I gained 15 lbs.  But, come outside and stand for ten minutes with me one day and we’ll see who’s the smart one!   Besides, it keeps one’s socks up amazingly well!

And, that’s it.  I had no idea where this was going an hour ago when I started it, and really don't see where it went once I did.  But, I have participated once again.  Lizzi is so happy.  She’s smiling!  Look, she’s coming to hug me for being a part of this once again!

See Lizzi Run!  See Lizzi Run!

Damn, I am in Purgatory!