Friday, July 26, 2013

10 Things Of Thankful by Guest Blogger Kristi Campbell

So, here I am again.  Keyboard in front of me, blank screen staring bright white at my face, and a Diet Coke at my side as the cigarette between my lips drops ashes on my chest.  The only thing missing from a 1940's movie is the crumpled suit and loosely tied necktie, a cup of coffee, and a beautiful blonde sitting across from me telling me a story that will draw my attention from the gap her skirt offers my gaze.

But, wait a minute!  There is a beautiful blonde there.  (Or, at least she once was before gravity happened!)  Long, lean, limber, lounging lusciously on the lounger, living loquaciously on the ledge of life.  The type of woman that you'd drive ten miles in the driving rain just to see her clean laundry get rain soaked on a swinging clothesline creaking between apartment buildings in the dangerous section of town.   Well, would you believe you'd look out your window to see her kissing the mailman after a real "Special Delivery"?  How about glancing up to see the dog she was walking down the street?  So, maybe if she screamed real loud you'd ask the wife to see what was going on?  Okay!  At least that's settled!  
So much for the Humphrey Bogart stuff!
(Where's those damn strawberries, anyway???)
Join us, dear Kristi!  Gravity got to us, too!!!!  Got your cap?

The fabulously, fantastic and freakin' funny filly 
(boy, does that sound like an old time chauvinist)
Kristi Campbell of 

is going to return the favor I did her last week (when she was playing her "Give me sympathy, I'm a wasted wino" act) and guest posted on her blog.  What this actually means is that there's going to be a little class on this blog for a change.  I'm not saying what type of class as I believe you can decide for yourself.

Seriously, I think you're going to enjoy her take on 10 Things Of Thankful. 

 So, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you an individual 
that believes knee pads are for more than just kissing toenails,
 I bring you Kristi Campbell!
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I should probably begin by clearing something up.  While this is technically
considered a guest post, it is really more of a I-crashed-the-cool-dude’s-blog post.
You may be familiar with the fact that your host Rich here was dumb nice enough to
allow me the luxury of sleeping while my blog was written for me last weekend.
Either he is kinder than Gabriela has let on, or he was drunk. It doesn’t actually
matter which, because I got what I wanted.  I got an  on my site without having to do
anything but draw a stupid-looking picture, and now am able to consider myself
part of the cool comedy crowd, if only by association.  This weekend, I felt like I
should defile his blog with my words. Think of it like a return favor, without the
favor part.  

This is my Ten Things of Thankful this weekend. 

1. I’m thankful that I have no clue what the royal baby’s name is and do not
know whether they have even named it yet. This missing bit of useless
information means that I:
     a. Have more room in my head for important trivia such as the fact that
         pigs have orgasms for 30 minutes and…
     b. That I haven’t wasted any time this week catching up on celebrity
         gossip, freeing myself to instead spend my time productively, fucking
         off on Facebook, playing quality learning-games with my son. 
2. I’m thankful that I’m not at BlogHer, where I’d be forced to pretend to enjoy
sitting through boring seminars for eight hours in order to get to the real
reason for attending: liquor-infused parties, laughing with blog friends and
the free food.  Crap. Maybe I should have gone. 
3. I’m thankful that Rich does not love sheep in the disturbing (but
understandable because women can be a pain in the ass) “Love Ewe” way
and instead was only referencing counting them last week. 

4. I’m thankful that Gabriela is holding it against Rich, and not me, that my words
appear among these pages today, in spite of it being her turn to blog.  I’m
guessing that Rich is going to wake up tomorrow with cat turd on his pillow.
Not only does it appear that he likes me more, she also mentioned that they
had a heated argument involving ownership of a stale bag of Cheetos and a
warm beer. 

5. I’m thankful that the weather’s cooled off a little bit so that I can go to work
looking like I have body odor, but not actually smelling like it. 
6. I’m thankful that my brother’s wife is such a bitch. It keeps my family from
noticing that I drink all of the wine at each family gathering. 
7. I’m thankful that there is bird shit all over my car because that means it is not
in my hair. 
8. I’m thankful that no matter how lazy I become, my toes will never look like
the ones pictured  earlier this week. I’m serious. People, those freaking
toenails go beyond lazy and fungus problems. Dude would have to actually
tend to them to obtain that special level of nasty.  Even cavemen didn’t have
toenails that offensive. 

9. I’m thankful that women who weigh 350 pounds feel perfectly comfortable
sporting bathing suits at the pool. They remind me that beauty is on the
inside while simultaneously making me look better in comparison and feel
like less of a gluttonous cow. 
10. I’m thankful that I am able to call the amazingly talented, awesomely
hilarious Rich Rumple my friend.  Thank you, Rich for allowing me to share
this list with the worldwide interwebs via your kickass pages. Err…wait.
Should I be apologizing to you instead?  Huh. Probably.  If so, sorry. 

That’s a wrap. Those are the things that I’m thankful for this week.  Oh and please
don’t tell me what the royal baby’s name is or even whether he has been named.  I
think it’ll be a cool experiment to see how long I can avoid not knowing.  Plus, I’m
worried about what piece of information it may replace. I wouldn’t want to forget
about 1986, after all. 

This is a Ten Things of Thankful post Einsteined by the lovely Lizzi over at . Want to
come play? It’s easy! Come  and tell us what you’re thankful for this week. 
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So, have you had enough?  Probably not.  Why not catch up with her at her site Finding Ninee that I supplied the link to above?  (Oh c'mon, I know it's not that hard to find!  Just play like you're a little above Bubba intelligence, okay?")  You'll not only see her comedic side, but her daily struggles, love, and efforts to provide her family a normal life under not so normal circumstances.  I guarantee you'll go back for more time and time again!  She has the Rumpleoneon Seal Of Approval!  (I've got to design that thing one day!)

Now, the bad news is that my Picture Links very seldom ever work.  I don't know why as I copy and paste the code exactly as it is, but they just don't work.  So, if you'd like to read more great bloggers tell you their 10 Things of Thankful, visit the page link at Finding Ninee . com, or at Lizzi Rogers fantastic blog at Considerings.  

Again, my sincerest thanks to Kristi for guest blogging today.  (Sure saved me a lot of work!)  Hope you enjoyed!  If you didn't ... well ... we need to talk.  Please leave her your comments below!