Friday, February 7, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Health Experts, Domestic Terrorism, & Chicken McNuggets

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What is it about cold weather that makes people experts on being healthy?

No, I've never noticed the relationship before.  Have you?

Recently, we've been in the grip of freezing temperatures, ice storms, and constant snow.  Cars are sliding around on highways, standing up while walking is difficult, and dogs are looking at their owners wondering why in the hell they can't just go to the bathroom in the bath tub instead of freezing off their paws outside.

It's Winter!  Believe it or not, it's the time of the year for the things to be like this!

However, a trait I've not noticed in years passed by is how many comments one receives about staying healthy during the Winter months.  Oh, we've always heard the standard:
  1. "Don't go outside if you're not dressed properly."  (And, "Yes", I actually have seen a couple of teenage idiots wearing shorts in subzero temperatures this year.  It's my guess they're proving their manhood by freezing off their manhood.)
  2. "It's cold and flu season so always make sure you wash your hands constantly, cover your mouth when you sneeze, and stay away from anyone with the sniffles."  (Like I regularly seek out sick individuals to spend hours of playing Russian Roulette with their germs.)
  3. "Limit your time outside as you may find the temperatures allow for frostbite to occur before you recognize it happening." (Although chopping off half an inch of ice from your windshield takes time and is a must before you can get your ass anywhere warm!
However, this year, I've been constantly verbally attacked by those that consider themselves "Health Specialists" because of something they've read on the web.  (Which never lies, as we all know.)
"I can do everything except
prescribe medicine.  For that,
you'll have to wait six months
for your Obamacare to kick in!"

There are still a few that hit me about my smoking cigarettes, but that's to be expected in today's politically correct society that proclaims one cannot do as they wish if others think it offensive to them.  I will state again, for the benefit of those that have not heard me say it before, "I won't blow my smoke in your face if you don't blow your El Toro defecation in mine."  If and when I decide to quit, I will do so on my own accord, and not because your words of wisdom suddenly provided me with a marvelous insight as to the immediate realization that smoking may not be the best thing I've ever done.  Still, when I look back at having already been dead twice in my life, and many of the dangerous activities I've participated in, smoking is probably one of the least dangerous.  Much less dangerous than hounding a smoker about quitting I might add.  (Just a word of warning ... just in case you were about to comment about it.)

No, this year is filled with people telling me:
  1.  ... I need to get at least eight hours of sleep a night, (I think after 59 years I can make a decision on when to sleep and how much sleep I need.  Just because I don't want to waste a third of what life I've got left of lying in an unconscious state wasting time doesn't mean my world will end tomorrow.  (It just means that I have more important things to do, such as write, work and smoke cigarettes!)
  2.  ... don't eat Chinese food as it's filled with MSG.  (No, I'd rather eat McDonald's hamburgers and fries like you that have enough sodium to cure a ten pound ham, and preservatives to keep my dead body in it's current state until the zombie comet passes overhead and allows me to rise from the dead to eat the flesh from your bones!)
  3.  ... wearing long underwear only reduces one's chances of being able to tolerate the cold and keep from getting sick.  (You might want to add "freezing one's ass off" to that list.)
  4.  ... drinking Diet Coke is terrible for you as they're filled with chemicals.  (When was the last time you ever looked at all the chemicals your local water company used to make water somewhat safe for drinking, especially since the water system pipes hadn't been sterilized in ... well, never!)
  5.  ... too much time at a computer will ruin your eyes.  (Tell my employer about that.  He's the one that keeps me there taking manufacturer's testing and working 9-11 hours a day.  If you've got a better job, let me know.  I might be interested!)
Let's see.  I know I can't eat anything that has white, enriched flour in it or I'll drop off to sleep within thirty minutes, fast food leaves me feeling like I'd gained fifty pounds in one sitting, I don't have to worry about getting bad sushi since I want my meat cooked before indulging, and I've researched enough to know that there are many cancer fighting natural foods (like broccoli) that I can eat sensibly.  I'm going to sleep when I need to, drink what I want to, and smoke as often as I can tolerate the cold weather at work.  My computer time is too much, but my eyes grow blurry when it's too much making it impossible to see the screen, so it limits itself.  And, as far as long underwear goes, if you want to freeze that's your prerogative.  Personally, I'm preferring staying warm!

I can't wait until the Summer months when I can preach to you about the long term aging and skin cancer effect of ultra violet rays, dehydration created by overuse of alcohol, and the dangers of barbeque cleaning brushes.  Oh, let's not forget about the dangers of bee stings, Summer diet regiments, and improper foot support of sandal wearing.  By the way, swimming in public pools in which people urinate and spit, grabbing icee's from the local convenience store machine (that's never cleaned), and inhaling too much charcoal smoke from the grill is also gambling with one's health!

Isn't life a bitch!!!

But, let us not forget why we've all gathered here today!

Yes, the Queen, Lizzi, has made proclamation that we will bring ourselves together to worship the Gods of Thankful!  Ten times we are directed to do so, unless we see it fitting to go more.  Still, ten is the number so designated by our loving Queen with the ever reaching cat 'o ten tails in her grasp.  Thus, ten times the bell shall toll and ten times the hearts will sing, "Thankful for thee, thankful we've been, thankful for we, stop here oh power of ten!"
Yes, tis time for "Ten Things Of Thankful" once again!

This week, I'm thankful for:
"What do you mean this was supposed
to be a roller coaster????"
1)  ... Olympic Games sensationalism!  If you haven't heard, Russia is hosting the Winter Olympics.  Propaganda from the Western World has made the pre-Olympic news coverage so dramatic, the games are almost secondary.  Everything from death and kidnapping threats, the smuggling of bomb materials, gay rights slandering, and the talk of inferior living conditions have filled the airwaves.  Actually, this is pretty typical for the Western World.  Their goal is to build up the sensationalism to increase curiosity which, in turn, will make people tune in to increase ratings points, which will validate the outrageous prices for advertising the networks will charge.  It's kind of like, "If we make the party seem big enough, we can charge a lot for tickets!"   It's a game that's been played for years, and will continue to be played as long as people fall for it.  (If you go, remember, these are Winter Games.  Long underwear may be necessary!)

"Ready ...  Aim ..."

2)  ... domestic terrorism.  Talk about making life exciting!  A continuing report concerning the 52 minute attack of a California power substation last year is now being discussed as a possible act of terrorism.  The attack on the power station, which took place in April of 2013, entailed over 100 rifle shots at transformers, cables being cut, and 27 days to repair the damage, is now, 10 months later, being thought of as an act of terror.  The FBI, never being an agency known for jumping to conclusions, still doesn't believe it an act of terrorism as the Federal Regulatory Commission has stated.  Instead, the FBI is currently investigating the cast of Duck Dynasty's visit to Southern California last year during duck hunting season, and the fact that all the transformers had duck targets posted on them.

3)  ... CVS Pharmacies.  It has recently been stated that CVS, the second largest pharmacy chain in the United States, will stop selling all tobacco products this year.  They feel cigarettes and tobacco products have no business being sold in a business that promotes health care.  (In a related story, CVS has announced they will be expanding the size of their beer and alcohol products departments  to aid the health industry in providing patients for liver transplants, and drunk driving emergency room auto crash victims.)

Lying naked to the world, Mr. & Mrs.
McNugget completed their plans
for world domination!
4)  ... Chicken McNuggets.  McDonald's decided it was finally time to respond to the "pink goop" photo that has been passed around the Internet supposedly showing of what the famous meal item was comprised.  A film has been made of the product being made to end all rumors.  This production even goes into the details of the four shapes (bow, ball, boot, bowtie) the McNuggets are formed into.  No response was given as to why "breast" was not a shape option.  

(Damn, it's a family dining restaurant.  You want breasts? 
Go to Hooters!)
5)  ... Denver Bronco fans.  Although winning and losing is part of sports life, Denver Bronco fans, after Sundays loss to Seattle at the Super Bowl, seem to have a little different manner in curbing their sorrows.  It seems as though there was a 11% increase in web traffic from Denver to porn sites after the Sunday debacle.  Seattle, also, noticed an increase in porn traffic, but nothing like Denver's.  (Seems, getting "blown away" has different meanings to the stoners in Washington, than it does in Denver.)

"C'mon, C'mon, I'll fight anyone!
I know I once got my ass beat
by a 17 year old, but this time
I'll be ready!"
6)  ... George Zimmerman.  Not only did this individual survive an alleged assault by Trayvon Martin, a court trial in which he had to fight not only the court system, but also the President's opinions and those of various minority mouthpieces, and contend with a mad and raging wife, but now, George Zimmerman will have to contend with a rapper.  George has decided to become a boxer.  His first opponent, chosen from the thousands that applied, will be the rapper, DMX.  That is, if the rapper will sign a contract.  Worries prevail as to if pictures will be taken of the injuries one could receive in the event, if the event will be televised or not, and if the rapper is simply all talk.  Finding an impartial panel of judges and a referee that doesn't hold grudges is also a problem that must be overcome.  (Already, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and anyone residing in Florida has been turned down.)

7)  ... Shaun White.  American Snowboarder and extreme danger seeker, Shaun White, has pulled out of the Olympic snowboarding event because the course was "too dangerous."  Others, still participating in the event, state that he pulled out because he recognized he had no chance to win.  It's reported that Mr. While later said, "I'd rather fight George Zimmerman than take a chance on that slope!"

"Me?  Attack a youngster?  Are
You Kidding?  Last time I tried to
attack anything a salad beat
my ass!"
8)  ... Woody Allen.  Did he or didn't he?  That is the question!  Woody's daughter has accused the actor/writer/director of sexually abusing her as a youngster.  Supposedly, she also brings up references to Woody's infatuation with his step daughter in the accusations.  Woody has responded to the issues in a letter to the New York Times, which may, or may not, be published by the Times in the next few days.  Woody, unavailable for comment, is currently debating on a sequel to his 70's hit movie, to be called, "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex With Your Kids ... (But Were Too Afraid To Ask For Fear Of Prosecution)."  

9)  ... John Kerry.  70 year old John Kerry has confirmed that he has no thoughts of running for president in 2016.  (It's also been reported that he knew he would have no chance running against Michelle Obama for that position, so why try?)

10)  ... Super Bowl Commercials.  Our last, but most influential topic this week, concerns Super Bowl Commercials.  In previous years, it really didn't matter how bad the game was.  Super Bowl commercials were something special and made up for the lack of substance (I say that loosely for Washington and Colorado residents) on the field.  With the exception of the Muppets and the Audi "Doberhuahua" commercials, this year's grouping of Super Bowl commercials was the worst ever viewed.  Whether it be the screening has been too stringent in trying not to offend the Politically Correct morons of the world, or that humor in the advertising world is no longer appreciated, this year's offerings were extremely lacking.  One can only envision next year's Super Bowl ratings points to be down due to this change in philosophy.  (In fact, the Indianapolis Colts are already preparing for their lack of viewers by contracting Peyton Manning to make a fantasy/ humor spot dreaming about what it would be like to win a Super Bowl somewhere other than Indianapolis.)  
And, that's that!  

Another week of thankful, thankfully thankful to be over.  My cats are demanding my attention, so it's time to put in a Woody Allen movie, split a Diet Coke with them, and fall asleep in the recliner with both keeping my lap warm.  

I wonder if McDonald's delivers McNuggets?