Friday, December 19, 2014

School Murders, Pool Noodles, And The Real Twisted Story Of Christmas ... Ten Things Of Thankful Is Back!

This is the first week of my promise to keep my openings much shorter. This is being done to assist those of you with short attention spans.

God, I bet you never have read 
a full book, have you?

I'm going to be quick and short today.  I'm going to tell you a mythical story.  One, in which, an entire group of people have based a morality and life pattern upon.

So, without further ado, here goes my version of

"The Real Story Of Christmas!"

"Before the days of erection drugs, there was a man and a woman.  The man worked hard at his carpenter job and brought home a sufficient income to support his wife.  But, the man had a problem.  He couldn't get it up!

What Do I Have To Do To Get
You To Harden Up, Anyway?
No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get an erection for his wife.  It wasn't that she was bad looking (In fact, all the construction workers in the village used to whistle at her as she walked by!), but she was very demanding and intimidating.  These factors did anything but turn him on. Having been forced into marriage with her, the man quickly decided that she wasn't his type, but since divorce and alimony were yet to be invented, he was stuck.

More and more frustrated the woman became.  She used to pray to the Gods that a man would arrive in her life and take her to her wildest sexual fantasy.  Plus, all of her friends had kids. She envied them as she watched the older children clean house and do dishes.  Since a maid was out of the question, it looked like she'd never get any relief from doing all the housework herself.

Well, God, having seen the luck that Zeus had experienced with Hercules, decided that he needed a little nookie.  He dropped down to Earth and searched around a village for a while.  Seeing that most of the women were happily married and already with child, he sat down on a log and contemplated his next move.  That was when he heard a female voice praying.

"Oh, God, I need a man.  A man to drive me crazy with passion.  One that will make me feel like the woman I know I am.  One that will use my head to dent the headboard of the bed I now only use for sleeping!  God, where is he?!?!?"

Well, let's just say that God got pretty horny listening to this old time version of phone sex.  He went over to the well, soaped up his manhood so he would be clean if she was in to oral sex, and went to smooth talk the owner of the voice that had got his mojo rising!

Whatdaya Mean I Gotta Refinish The Bed?
And, How The Hell Did Those Dents
Get In The Headboard?
I could go into detail, but let's just say when the woman looked at the man with the rising robe in front of her, it was the answer to her prayers.  (And, yes, the headboard was dented that day!)

A few months later, things began to get difficult in the household.  The woman was obviously pregnant as she was showing most visibly.  Her husband, knowing that he hadn't tapped it, was upset over her being unfaithful.  And, all her friends, that knew about her husband's failing to rise  problem, laughed their butts off when she told them that God had been the one, and had even washed himself before going at it!

"Immaculately Clean Conception" they teased, over and over.

Well, one Winter's evening, the woman had enough of the crap from her friends and the attitude of her husband.  Packing her things, she was going to leave.  She had no idea where to go, but she was going to go regardless.

Her husband, tired of all of his friends ragging him about someone tapping his wife, was also pissed off.  He'd had enough, too.  So, since he couldn't divorce her (Remember, I told you above divorce hadn't been invented, yet.) he decided to leave the village, also!

Take The Piano, She Says!!!
Carry It Yourself, I Say!!!
Deciding it would be safer to travel together, they loaded up the donkey and headed off down the road.  After a few hours, they realized they'd made a bad decision.  It was damn cold outside!  Both wondered, "Why hadn't they awaited a nice, Summer evening to move?"

Finally, they reached a hole in the wall "burg" (Or, "lem" if you will.) and decided to stop for the night.  The woman was dilating, and the man didn't want to have to clean off his donkey if her water burst, so they stopped at every hotel there.  However, some rock band had thrown a free concert and all the rooms were taken.

At the last stop, the man grew frustrated and said, "Look, I gotta pissed off wife that's about to give birth to a kid out there.  If you don't provide me somewhere to stay for the night I'm gonna sue your ass off tomorrow!  Do you want that type of publicity?"

 Well, since a part time clerk was on duty at the front desk, he got scared that the man would follow through with his threat.  Fearing for his job, he told them there was a stable out back that they could stay in just as long as they were gone before the owner came in the next morning.

So, muttering, "This is El Toro Defecation", the man took his wife to the stable, where she gave birth, and later partied with the members of the rock band.  Good news was that the band members turned the man on to the drug induced glories of poppies, and he never had a problem with erectile dysfunction again!"
The rest is history.

(*I know, I'm damned for all eternity for that one.)

This Week I'm Thankful For:

(*First, the violent.)

1)  Taliban Cowards.  The Taliban entered into a school in Peshawar, Pakistan this week and started shooting randomly at anything that moved.  This included children between the grades of 1-10.  When it was over,141 lie dead, including 132 children.  

The World's Most Valuable Asset, Our Children,
Being Murdered By Cowards Afraid To Face
Adult Enemies With Equal Weapons.
I'm thankful for these Taliban Cowards that feel the need to display their bravery by shooting children.  (I was going to add "unarmed" before children, but c'mon, how many first graders are going to be carrying Uzis to school?)  I'm thankful because they display the sickness of the mind that the Taliban tries to spread.  I'm thankful because they do this throughout the world, unafraid to attack innocent and unarmed victims wherever they may be found.  I'm thankful because they constantly remind me that there are cowards in this world that use religion as only an excuse, and demonstrate that they serve no religious purpose whatsoever.  And, I'm thankful because they consistently remind me that there is no question that being on their opposition's side is the right thing to do.  

Terrorism is the most demented and cowardly act. To include children as victims is despicable and unforgivable.  (My only wish for Taliban operatives practicing terror tactics is that when you die, may all your 40 virgins be 40 year old men waiting to lose their virginity by entering a dead terrorist's tail end!  Merry Christmas!)

2)  Protest Jackals.  Forty-five were arrested in Los Angeles last weekend for destruction of property and malicious mischief.  There is nothing wrong with protesting when you feel something isn't right and protesting will help.  However, to use protesting as an excuse to rob, destroy private property and ruin the lives of those that have worked hard to succeed honestly should be dealt with in the harshest of manners.  Police, victims, and peaceful protesters need look at these individuals as thieves and treat them as such.  

Perhaps the quickest way to rehabilitate this type of scum would be the "eye for an eye" concept.  Steal once, lose one hand.  Steal twice, lose the other.  It may not change the attitude, but it would limit their abilities to do it again tremendously.  ("Hey, Anthony, grab that TV over there.  Oh, that's right, you can't grab anything, can you?  Oops!")

The Face Of A Coward And Common Murderer.
A Typical Criminal Mentality Blaming
Everything and Everyone Else But Himself.

3)  Sidney Terrorist / Jackal.  A gunman entered a cafe in Sidney, Australia this week, and immediately took those there hostage.  He did it in retaliation for the Australian Army's participation in the war in Afghanistan.  Of course, here was a man that had also written letters to the families of soldiers killed in battle naming their sons as "Hitler's Soldiers", and had been accused with helping a woman kill his ex wife.  (Oh yeah, this was a man that had it all together!)

Before all was said and done, three innocents were killed.  Luckily, so was the gunman.  I won't honor him by listing his name.  He's not good enough for that. However, if he searches hard in the afterlife, he may find the 40 virgins I discussed above in #1.   ("Hey, booooyysss!   Fresh meat!")

(*Then, the ridiculous)

4)  The Movie "The Interview".  What a way to get the public all stirred up wanting to see a movie!  You gotta give it to Sony.  Distribute a movie for Christmas release about the assassination of a North Korean dictator, get the North Koreans to hack into your network, and then tell everyone that you can't release the movie because the North Koreans will do something terrible to every movie theater the film is being shown at!  Sorry, Mr. President, but Sony is smart.  It wasn't a mistake.  There hasn't been a build up to a movie like this in years!!!  
First, have you heard of the North Korean terrorist network in the United States?  

That's what I thought.  Me either!
What Hype This Is ... Betcha It's
Released Next Year An Kills
At The Box Office.  Any Takers?
I'm not saying there's not a spy or two or three in the U.S. working for North Korea, but to consider every theater in the U.S. being bombed or attacked, simply because of showing a movie, would require a major tactical assault.  Unless Korean restaurant delivery boys are all members of this secret terrorist organization, I don't think there's much to worry about.  Unless the Korean Barbecue Pork explodes, of course. (Somewhere besides my stomach, that is.)

However, when Sony does release this film, what do you bet everyone will rush to the theaters to see what all the furor was about?  Okay, almost everyone ... I'm really not interested in another Seth "Whatever my name is" movie, as most have been aimed at those who want to see grown men get drunk and puke on the big screen.  (What I want to see on the big screen is a film about two young North Koreans that go to training for the terror network in the United States that shuts down movie theaters for showing movies about drunks puking!)

5)  Fat Cops.  Don't blame donut shops for all the fat policemen.  Nope, the country's
most obese professions are police officer, firefighter, and then security guard.  Riding all shift in a patrol car can be stifling for the exercise our bodies need.  Plus, you gotta know that the stress levels are way over the top, so there's a lot of nervous nibbling ... and drinking going on.

So, remember, if you're told to halt by a police officer, do exactly that.  Chances are, since many are obese, they won't be able to run after you and will use their pistols to halt your progress.  Or, if by some wild chance they do catch you, tell me you really don't want two or three of them flopping down atop you while they put on the handcuffs.  (And people wonder why there's so much "deadly force" used these days.)  

6)  Stevie Wonder.  At age 64, Stevie Wonder just had his 9th child.  He and his girlfriend named the daughter Nia.  Mother and child are doing well.

Now, nothing against Stevie, but there comes a time in life when having children is not the wisest thing.  What's the best that he can look for, 15-20 years with the child before he passes on?  If he's lucky, he might still be around when she graduates from college.  But, how will he relate to her and what's going on in her life along the way?  Things are much different than they were back then, and it's tough enough for younger parents these days to relate.  Oh, she'll get her share of his estate when he dies, so that's something, I guess. (There are times one just has to stop proving he still has it.  Time to wear a condom, Stevie!  I just wonder if she was a Viagra baby?)

7)   Walmart Heart Attack Robbery.  In Lake Wales, Florida, two men entered a Walmart.  They loaded up a shopping cart with a motorized Barbie car, Barbie glam vacation house and a Leap Frog tablet and made for the exit.  Suddenly, one of the men grabbed his chest, fell to the floor, and started proclaiming he was having a heart attack.  With all the attention towards helping him, the store staff failed to notice his friend rolling the shopping cart out the front door.

They might have gotten away with it all, but the friend drove to the front door to pick up his friend.  I guess someone wondered how he knew his friend was having a heart attack if he'd been in the car waiting for him, so they went back and looked at security videos.  Yep, that's when the whole crime unfolded in front of their eyes.

Words to the wise.  Confucius says, "If you fake heart attack in Walmart, don't give real personal information to store staff and don't have friend pick you up in car via ESP invitation.  Oh, and make sure your friend puts the items stolen in the trunk instead of the back seat of car where everyone can see them.  Otherwise, your new cellmate may give you a Christmas present you'd rather not have!"    Sounds like an 80's Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor movie, doesn't it?  Duh!!!

8)  Divorce Pays.  Bruce and Kris Jenner have signed all divorce papers.  When it becomes final in March, Bruce "I'm an old Olympic winner and Cheerios box picture person" Jenner will receive over $2.5 million from Kris in March, when the whole thing becomes final.  

While Bruce will probably use his to have more bad plastic surgery done (*See Before / After Picture), there's been a new development in my household.  My wife has agreed to me replacing Bruce as Kris's next.  We could use the $2.5 million, plus, it would put me in a good position to tell Kanye West how lousy his rapping is.  Look for me in the future on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians!"   NOT!

9)  May I Have A Pool Noodle, Please?   In Kansas City, Missouri, a blind child was accused of raising his cane at other children.  Concerned that the child might injure another child, school officials replaced the cane with a pool noodle.  (See Picture if you're as dumb as I am and have no idea what a Pool Noodle is.)  

Of course, the child's parents could care less about the other kids, and are all upset over the matter.  As every parent wants to believe these day, the school officials are picking on their child who is innocent in every way, especially since he's blind.
Guess What She Does Next With The Noodle!!!
"El Toro Defecation!"  
When in the Hell will parents wise up?  A child with a disability is just as likely as any other child to "act up" and do something inappropriate.  Kids are kids!  In fact, any child that feels somewhat special, be it physical disability or other, might be just a little bit more prone to using that disability to get away with these type of things, especially if they get away with them at home.  

When I grew up, there were still youngsters that had contracted Polio.  One, in particular, was a wild kid that believed the wilder he behaved, the more he would be accepted.  I can't tell you the number of boys and girls that had their tail ends "goosed" by a crutch while waiting in lunch and recess lines by this kid.  (Made one never want to go to jail, for sure!)

Now, taking a blind kid's cane might seem excessive, but if he did the same things with it my memory brings back was done to us, it may save 20 sexual harassment lawsuits!   Besides, no one likes a "Christmas Goose." Or, do they?

(* ...and the real thing of the moment.)

10)  Christmas Spirit.  This coming week, Christmas will be taking place.  You don't have to be a Christian to appreciate the time of the year when people may just seem to be a little nicer to each other.  As I was walking in a store yesterday, a roll of wrapping paper I was lugging around under my arm (Yeah, I don't always get a cart when I need one.) knocked a box of crackers off of a corner display.  A man, of whom I have no knowledge of ever knowing, saw my hands full and immediately, without a second's hesitation, and without any request for pay, said, "Here, let me get that for you" and picked it up for me.  I thanked him and moved on.

I really don't give a damn about retail Christmas profits or movies being cancelled that were
scheduled for release on the most sacred day of the year.  In fact, I'm in total agreement with those that want stores closed on both Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Profits only lead to more greed and less true meaning of the day.

This year, remember that Christmas isn't how much you get or give, but the feeling you have in your heart for others.  Christmas is a time when we need to step back and remember what we have and be thankful, instead of wanting more and more.  And, again, whether you're a Christian or not, remember there wouldn't be a holiday if it wasn't for the belief that Christ needed a special day to remind everyone to be good to each other.  It may or may not be his or her birthday for those that debate the topic, but it is the day that was chosen to be special in remembrance of such.  

Respect the day and keep it special.  As much as a pain in the ass your mother-in-law may be, grit your teeth and show her how good of a person you are by bringing her child back to her home.  If someone needs help, give it without desire of personal gain.  Smile at neighbor kids, and leave the feelings of shooting them with a BB gun out of it.  

Say, "Merry Christmas" to those you meet.  If they don't like it, so what?  At least you've let them know that it is special and important to you.  Maybe someday, when they finally get over how special they think they are and start to see that life isn't eternal, will come around and say "Merry Christmas" to someone they know.  
.     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .

To all my Christian, Jewish, Muslim, atheist and friends of other denominations, 
I do wish you a Merry Christmas.  I do so because I don't want to exclude you from the feelings of warmth those two words bring to millions in our world.  I consider a friend a friend and neither race or religion will ever change that.  If, just for one day, everyone in the world could feel the kindness those two words really bring, 
and remember that feeling year after year, 
we might just replace all the hatred that is normally present.

And, wouldn't that be nice?

Merry Christmas, my friends!