Thursday, February 7, 2013

How To Rid Yourself Of Unwanted Children

"It's my job to ruin your life.
That's why I was born!"
   This blog article in NO WAY is to be taken as a directional guide, nor have any of it's suggestions utilized by anyone of sound or unsound mind.  Of course, to take these suggestions under consideration only indicates that you are of unsound mind, and need to seek immediate mental health assistance from a qualified professional psychiatrist, known crudely as a"head shrinker".  This, in NO WAY means for you to seek out adventure and journey to the deep, dark depths of the most hidden jungle to find someone to shrink your head.  That is a lost art. Even though your brain may still easily fit within the shrunken skull, you would find many using it as either a designer hat rack or a horseshoe tossing post.  

The author takes absolutely 
should you use any of these ideas.  

   Please, use this blog offering only as it is intended ... to laugh, shake your head in disbelief of how far over the line it travels, analyze your actions and see if they could be misconstrued as applicable to this topic, and to waste valuable time in which you could be writing your own blog!  The management sincerely thanks you for your understanding, and reminds you to not stick unwanted used pieces of chewing gum to the chair bottom when you are finished. ***

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So, things didn't work out the way you planned, did they?  

"Damn right I'm gonna cry!
Give me your boob 

and I'll shut up!"
Well, you got pregnant when you were only thirteen, and now that you're fifteen. you're tired of having to deal with a crying one year old that a sock in the mouth won't shut up!   How can you plan to go out on dates and enjoy your childhood when you've got to deal with a screaming, whining baby every night?   Geesh, the damn thing doesn't even care if you get your beauty sleep or not!!  Plus, your mother is saying, "You deal with it!  I had to deal with you!"    She's no help at all!

Or, you married your teenage sweetheart, who turned out to be the ass your parents told you he was.  Just had to have a couple of kids to try to keep the marriage together, didn't you?  Well, now, he's gone and the little boogers are crimping your dating life!  Hell, they even caused you to break a nail and drop one of your earphones in a pile of greenish brown crap while changing diapers yesterday!   That's going just TOO FAR!!!

Maybe you decided that you wanted bigger boobs.  So, instead of paying the $5000 for an operation, you decided to go the Redneck route to boob enlargement and found that getting pregnant was a natural way to increase their size.  You just didn't realize that along with the size came a 10 pound infant that wanted to be permanently attached to them.  Now, you have no room for your boyfriend to munch, and when he does, he's getting more than what he bargained for!  Plus, your hips have separated and you're now as wide as an eighteen wheeler!

So, what do you do?

Get rid of them!   It's simple and it's easy!   All you have to do is to follow the program and before you know it, you'll be free of stinking, dirty diapers, sniffling noses that never stop running, and nights filled with howls and screeches from Hell!!  

Here's the way to financial and personal freedom and a much happier life!

Fun time!
Excuses 'R Us!!!
First things first!  Go to the best prescription providing physician (the one you always visited for legally  controlled drugs before you gave birth) and get prescriptions for depression, severe pain, and four hour erections.  

The depression and pain pills will give you a valid excuse for misplacing or losing your kid(s) should a court appearance be necessary.  At worst, if found guilty, you can sue the drug companies and have a nice nest egg to enjoy upon your release.  

The four hour erection pills are to strictly demonstrate the doctor was a complete quack, to help you with your defense, again, should you end up in court.  (After the case is closed, just give them to your single uncle to enjoy.)

Next, if you're still in high school, quit immediately after beginning to take the pills.  This will demonstrate a chemical imbalance that created a mental disorder that brought on a lack of responsible attitude (as if you ever had one to begin with).  This will usually allow for a certain amount of "pity" votes from the jury, again, should you end up in court.

Now, all you have to do is to is plan on a way to dispose of the millstones around your neck.  Drowning in a bathtub and/or sending them into a lake in a running car has already been tried with prison as a result.  Also, stay away from dumpsters and garbage cans as courtroom juries have no mercy upon those who use them for this purpose.  Remember, there are cameras everywhere these days, so you're going to have to be careful.  It is of the essence to utilize a location that will provide you with the best chance of getting away, as well as the best legal excuse.

Therefore, any of the following steps may work for you on the first attempt, so choose wisely.  To avoid legal problems, you might want to incorporate two or more of these steps into your plan of action.  This will ensure complete success! 

"Thanks for advertising!
Tell all your friends to do the same!
I can sell all you can provide!"
1)  The best way to "lose" the kid(s) is to advertise!  No, damn it, I'm not talking about taking out an ad in the local newspaper.  That costs money you'll need to enjoy life once you're free again!

Instead, advertise on the web!  Facebook provides you an effective forum to display a beautiful catalog of pictures of those of whom you wish to no longer have around.  

Increase your odds of success and present all the perverts of the world with family photos of the darling youngster(s) to drool over. In addition, provide information as to where and when you shop, how you constantly get mad at yourself for leaving them unguarded in shopping carts and unlocked cars, and kindergarten and school names for easy access.  Don't forget to include a full schedule of days and times, and a complete description of your car or van, including the license plate number.

*For Google purposes, be sure to include the following paragraph:*

"I sure hope that nothing happens to my kid(s).  I'm afraid a Black Market Seller, Deranged Kidnapper, or Sexual Pervert will take my kid(s), as I am constantly leaving them unsupervised due to my new found dependency on drugs.  I've even found myself falling to sleep on my sofa at (Home Address) every afternoon with the doors unlocked because of how sleepy they make me.  I'm sure they would be such an Easy Target for such people.  If anything ever happened to the kid(s), I'd be too afraid to contact the authorities for fear they'd imprison me for neglect."

I guarantee this one will work!  Why, just look at all the people doing it on Facebook, as well as in blogs!  They're advertising in hopes of a peaceful return to the life they once loved.  

You Can Too!!!

2)  Hiking trips also provide many excuses to "lose" your children.  "I was lost and put the baby down while it was crying to give me a reference point to which to return after finding the trail back to civilization" will usually provide the authorities with a reason to let you go (especially if you're blonde).  

"Sure I eat in the woods.  I crap there, too!  
If you're gonna blame me,
at least leave me some crumbs for a last meal!"
If you are a redhead or brunette, you can always use, "I thought I was going to be attacked by a wild animal, so I put the baby down to hide it from the jaws of the wild beast!  Then I ran away to draw the beast away!  Then, I couldn't remember where I'd left it!"  

You may even be looked at as a hero as hunters go on a shooting spree and kill lions and tigers and bears, oh my!   

If you have black hair, simply start speaking broken English  (Bambino?  Mi?  Non Com-pren-di?), enjoy a free trip to Mexico via The Department of Immigration, partake of some authentic Mexican tacos, and have your mother send you your driver's license so you can come back legally to a life you desire! 

If you've shaved your head, simply tell the authorities that aliens whisked your baby away after providing you a full anal probe (that you thoroughly enjoyed), and you have no idea what happened next.  You'll spend a couple of months resting, listening to Sinead O'Connor oldies on your I-Pod, and enjoying asylum medications before you'll be free to enjoy life!

"I betcha that one's gonna drop her kid!"
"No, in fact, I'll bet five delicious fingers

 it's the one over there!"
3)  Zoos are another great place to "lose" a child.  There are so many benches where one could rest a few minutes, and then be confused upon waking (because of the drugs ... *see above) that they could completely forget they ever had a child there.  And, with all the racket being made by the elephants and lions and monkeys, it will take hours for the baby to be discovered!  Getaways can be completed without worry!

Also, you can try holding the baby carrier loosely on a cage ledge. This could allow the unsecured infant the opportunity to see the insides of a wild animal up close and personal.  Since you don't care how you get free of your responsibilities, this one might even allow you to be viewed as the grieving mother that reached for a falling bottle and lost the baby as it slid into the pit.  Therefore, you might even find yourself glowing in national news coverage, and provided with name recognition for those future date partners! 
"So, are they good voices,
    or, are they bad voices?"

4)  As a last resort, you could call Child Services and let them have the kids.  Simply state that you are having extremely bad visions of demons ravaging your body endlessly and hearing profane voices whispering in your head.  Also state that you want to play "Kick The Baby" as shown often on South Park!  Even the most ignorant of government employees (easily found) would find it necessary to remove the children from your care.  (Unless they start agreeing that they've been experiencing the same things!)

If you do come upon one that's still too stupid to take the kid(s), add a quick impression of Linda Blair's performance in The Exorcist, by rotating your head around 360 degrees, and puking green pea soup all over their uniform.  If they still don't take the little monster, at least you've had a good time getting them to think about it!

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See, getting rid of unwanted children really isn't that hard to do!   You just have to have a plan of action, follow a preset course, and be a good actor when pleading with authorities.  Get rid of your unwanted baggage and enjoy the life you truly deserve!

Just remember, your actions are completely valid because ...

You really weren't fit to be a mother in the first place! 
In fact, 

You Suck!

*Okay, I realize this post was a little over the line, but folks, we gotta protect the kids.  For other blogs on this topic, please visit the new posts on:

Terrye at The Misadventures of a Misplaced Alaskan
Michelle at Muses From The Deep