Friday, September 19, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "Honey, Sit Down ... The Hell With What Kanye Says!"

As you might discover, I'm fairly adept at recognizing El Toro defecation.

No brag, just fact!

Like you, I sometimes find myself watching people and just shaking my head at their actions.  I used to concentrate on just the public figures while thinking, "Damn, don't these people realize they're in the public eye?"

Then I decided that they thought being in the public eye meant you had to do something extremely stupid just to stay in the public eye.

No, shame is no longer a factor.

Enter the egotistical Kanye West, for example.  

I know, you'd rather not take him anywhere, much like myself, but let's use him as a focal point.

In a recent concert, Kanye was filmed stopping the show because he wanted everybody on their feet for him.  He even went to the extreme of questioning handicapped individuals with prosthetics and in wheel chairs to see if they couldn't stand for him.

If I had been in attendance (probably an after death pit of Hell experience for French kissing my pillow during a nocturnal event of my youth), These are some of my replies to your commands to rise up.
  1. Give me a quality performance to make me want to rise up and do something besides punch your egotistical mouth!
  2. I paid way too much for this seat and you're not going to get me out of it!  Lower ticket prices and I'll consider your asinine request!
  3. I'll be happy to rise if you'll come over here and kiss my ass!
  4. How many times do you have to open your mouth to prove to yourself you should've kept the thing shut?  
  5. What? Are you pissed off that your kid is already exhibiting signs of intelligence that surpasses yours?
  6. Why don't you, Molly Citrus and Justa Beaver all get together and take a long standing room only journey on the next Malaysian Airlines flight?
  7. What? Did Kim finally agree to give you a BJ if you could get everybody standing?
  8. Take a look in the mirror so you can actually see the only person that loves you!
  9.  It's been said that men with small penises actually speak the loudest.  Now, what was that you were saying?
  10. Rap with me now:  "If all ya gonna do is give us some crap, who the hell cares about you 'n yer rap.  You say that you gonna stop the band, iffin' all of us don't get up and stand.  I'm tired of your mouth flappin' in the breeze, so why don't you fly away to the trees.  Let's get us some talent up on the stage, someone whose brain is free of the haze.  Goodbye, Kanye, your time is no more.  See you next time, Kanye, stocking shelves in the store.  Good buh, Good buh, Good buh I say.  I'm lookin' for talent, so's gets outta the way!   Yo Yo!!   Oh, and there's no such damn word as conversate!  It's converse, dummy, converse!"
From his words and actions, I'm sure Kanye believes himself to be God's gift to mankind.  Sad thing is no one else believes that except those boo birds from the video.  However, from his statements after Hurricane Katrina to this escapade, Kanye continuously proves that money doesn't bring intelligence, just publicity.  

But enough of Kanye and his foolish life.  It's time for thankfulness!

I'm thankful for many things this week.  But, one that goes without saying, is the thankfulness of this group that allows me to go to the extremes of sarcasm post after post.  I know I offend, from time to time, but many of you still come back for more.  For that, I am very thankful.

So, without further ado, this week I'm thankful for:

1)  The CIA.  Well, according to secret disclosures, the CIA has secretly stopped spying on friendly governments in Europe.  Of course, the spying was supposed to be secret, but was discovered in several Germany / U.S. fiasco's.  So, a secret memo was secretly passed down by secret heads of state and secret chains of commands to secretly stop the secret spying.  One secret  source, who remains secret due to the secret nature of his secret position, secretly announced that these secret stand-downs generally don't last long.  But don't repeat that ... it's a secret!

2)  Secession.  According to a recent poll, one in four Americans are willing to have their state secede from the current government in Washington, D.C. and operate on their own.  Folks, that's 25% of all Americans (legal Americans, that is) are so fed up with Washington, D.C., regardless of the party, that they want out!  Personally, I'd like to see several states do exactly that, but that would put Mitch McConnell out of a job after over 30 years of misappropriating our tax dollars for pet government projects and negative campaign tactics.  And, as we all know, we must take care of Poor Mitch!   (Perhaps we could get him a secret job in the CIA in a secret place thousands of miles away!  Shhhhh!    Don't tell ... that may soon be a secret, too!)

3)  Aussie Police.  Over 800 Australian Police were used to arrest 15 people thought to be part of an ISIS plot to behead citizens in all areas of Australia.  Out of the 15, two have been detained and the other 13 released.  Dunkin' Donuts spokespersons state, "Our business plummeted with the officers being deployed elsewhere.  If an ISIS member ever comes in here, there's no way we'll ever give them a discount!"

4)  Miley Cyrus.  Yes, Miley Cyrus is in trouble again!  Damn, I'm so sick of this I don't even feel like writing about it.  Tell you what, you write the rest and be sure to make it funny.  Here are the lines to do it on: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5)  Home Depot.  Yes, if you've purchased anything in the last year at Home Depot by using a credit or debit card, you may be at risk.  Over 56 million credit cards have been breached by a malware program in Home Depot's system.  Although Home Depot seems only concerned about how the breach will affect their business, consumers are more concerned about how the breach will hit them.  So, if you happen to see 17 electric drills, 14 garden hoes, and 42 bags of concrete charge to your card, acknowledge that you may be a victim of this breaching, instead of married to a spouse that is secretly planning to make you a permanent resident under the new driveway.

6)  Scottish Independence Vote.  The majority says no to a tune of 55% to 45%.  Mother England will stay the parent and the Scots will remain as they have been for hundreds of years.  Some like it, some don't.  All I know about Scotland is that it's damn cold in Dundee in November, and anyone that will wear a kilt in that weather has all of my damn respect!

7)  America's Got Talent.  AGT crowned a new winner this week.  It was Franco the Magician.  No one really cared as you seldom see them after the program ends, anyway!  The second runner up, Emily West, had just released an album last year that would put you to sleep if you allowed it, so a little magic might not be a back thing to keep one awake!

8)  Clear Channel Radio Stations:  These are part of a chain that play the same music day after day after day.  If you're in retail, and happen to be hexed with a manager that insists on one of these stations filling the air, just remind them that at about the same time Clear Channel started broadcasting, mass murders increased 62%.  If you say it with a grimace on your face, a growl in your voice, and a gun in your hand, you just might be able to change channels to something more listenable.

9)   Second Languages.  Anyone that has ever sold anything can tell you that a couple from another country will revert back to their own language to hide their comments from you.  I find that being able to speak Italian allows me the opportunity to talk to them in my language.  When they don't understand and act confused, I can always get them to go back to English immediately, as no one likes to look the fool. Second languages are indeed a great equalizer!  But, what the hell is this pig Latin crap???

10)  The United States Congress.  There's a saying that goes something like this, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Decades ago, the U.S. provided guns and weapons to rebels to assist them in fighting the Russians.  Many of these rebels later became a terrorist group and rammed jets in the World Trade Center and Pentagon.  We have fought them for years in Iraq and Afghanistan, and many still remain our most sincere enemies.  

So, what does Congress decide to do this week?  Yep, supply weapons to Syrian rebels!  I guess today's politicians are trying to set up the future for big business war machine producers who are always looking for a battle to supply weapons.  Like I said, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Perhaps we should check out the medical marijuana restrictions in their states to see who has short term memory problems and who don't!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Well, that's going to end another edition of Ten Things Of Thankful.  If we all don't get blown up, I'll be back with another edition in the near future.  


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "How To Get Your Neighbor To Go To Walmart For You"

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Have you ever watched the movie The African Queen?

No, it's not about the guy and monkey that started Aids a few decades ago.

The African Queen is a tale of a couple that face tragedy, survive a long and hazardous journey, and find love and devotion to each other.  It stars Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn as a couple that face swarming mosquitoes, numerous wild animals, and a rive filled with dangerous rapids.  

Okay, so why the movie review?  

The African Queen has reminded me how similar the roads are that we travel during our daily lives, unless, of course, you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth.  First, there's going to be decisions to make and adversity to face.  Next, the road to recovery or better living must be traveled.  Finally, you can sit back and relax while enjoying the fruits of your labor.

Almost sounds like a morning dump, doesn't it?  You strain like crazy, make a decision as to when your body says, "All done", and then get on with the rest of the morning. (Unless you've eaten something that totally disagrees with you the night before and then there's many return journeys.  lol)

Maybe, just maybe, you'd like to consider it more like picking the kids up at school.  You fight traffic to get there, wait in what seems to be an endless line of minivans and SUV's, and finally get to scream at the kids to hurry up and close the damn door before the rain soaks the seats.  Ahhh, the enjoyment of being a parent!

It could even be like the physical act of lovemaking to a partner with whom you're stuck with for decades. The only difference here is that the decision is mostly made out of obligation, the road traveled doesn't bring new experiences, and the cigarettes taste the same as they would if you'd never embarked upon the excursion to begin with.  (That make you want to get old, doesn't it?)

I could describe one more comparison with masturbation, but I think you get the point!

See ... "Trial ... Effort ... Success!"  "Beginning ... Middle ... End!"

Or, one might even consider reading this as the same.  You've just endured the beginning.  Now, the middle is coming up.  Some of it will be easy.  Some of it won't be easy.

This has been the toughest part for me.  Of course, I haven't written the rest yet, so who really knows what the toughest part will end up being.  As in life, we can only judge the degree of the difficulty from those we've already experienced.  That's why perceptions can be so deceiving and completely screw up endings.

Perhaps discussing masturbation would be more fun.   Hmmm ...

Yet, if a person was bold enough to write a Ten Things Of Thankful post about the experience of masturbation, they might either be asked to never come back, or, perhaps, to lead an instructional course on the topic.  
That could be the start!  The middle could be what you make it!  And, the end, well, the end could be messy.  

So, let me swallow my pride and continue onward to the middle, better known as:

"Today, I'm Thankful For These Ten Things ..."

1)  CVS Pharmacy.  This pharmacy chain is making a big deal about doing away with cigarettes in their inventory.  In their recent television commercial blitz, they state they're doing it for health reasons.  What a bunch of El Toro defecation!!!  Let's tell it like it is.  CVS found that with their high costs for tobacco products, people were buying them elsewhere.  Of course, that's not surprising as CVS is one of the most expensive pharmacy chains in the United States today.  If this chain was so health conscious, they'd stop increasing the size of their liquor department (which is responsible for more "Caused and related deaths" than tobacco annually), provide proper security for their store employees (since they're dealing with more and more robberies ... common to liquor stores), and stop making claims that only show them for the liars they are.  In fact, they even keep the stores open after the pharmacy closes just to dip deeper into the alcohol sales market.  Sorry, CVS, you're not even good at covering up.  Time to hire a new marketing department!  Oh, that's right, they now work for Cosco, don't they?

2)  Ray Rice & wife, Janay.  Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, was shown in a video (released this week) practicing his boxing skills on his wife's chin.  Bad thing was they weren't in a boxing ring.  Instead, this took place in an elevator that just happened to have a security camera filming the incident.  

The NFL immediately suspended Rice indefinitely because of this.  

Now, his wife is condemning the NFL's actions and saying that the press was the reason for everything happening.  Let's see, a couple of good punches, a knockout, and a count beyond ten was all the fault of the press.  C'mon, folks, you can do better than that!  Sounds like she was more than happy to divorce his ass as long as he was working and could supply a huge meal ticket. However, since there's no longer any money coming in, she's coming to her "non-senses" and talking about what a beautiful relationship they have.  

So, shed the "Professional Football Player and wife" category and enter 
the "Wife Beater and Money Grubbing Bitch" spotlight!!!  

Isn't love beautiful?
"And for my next song, here's
one I wrote last night."
"You're not much, Bubba, but
you're better than batteries!"

3)  Taylor Swift.  Would you believe that Taylor Swift hasn't dated in over a year?  Perhaps it's because everyone's she's ever dated and broke up with has had a nasty song written about them and no one else wants to make the TS Asshole List.  Sounds like she's getting ready to write some new songs based on her recent, multi platinum, one night stands, though. I hear the album title is tottering between "How Swift Is Swift" or ""Nail Taylor Again."  

4)  President O-Bam-Bam-A.  As you know, I don't like politicians, regardless of the party.  But, what makes me sick is when a politician parades around on television like he's the one that thought of everything, when we all know any central political figure is surrounded by many just as politically tainted and common sense ignorant as he.  Anyway, a major element in war is the element of surprise.  Don't let your opponent know what you're going to do and you keep them wondering.  

So, what does our wonderful President do?  Of course, he get's on TV and broadcasts a major statement as to what our plans are (and will be) against Isis!   What does this guy think, that the television broadcast won't be seen or heard by any of the enemy???  No, he didn't give any definitive dates or times, but he did give them a much broader understanding as to what paths we may be traveling.  One might say enough time to develop obstacles for us to have to overcome and cost American fighting men and women their lives.  

Thanks, O-Bam-Bam-A!  Whose side did you say you were on?  Oh yeah, you got that
 procedure out of the "How to Fight a War and Make Corporations Rich" written by our last president, George "When's My Next Vacation" Tush.  'Nuff Said!!!

"Here's my South African
justice, baby!"

5)  South African Justice.  Oscar Pistorius was proclaimed innocent of murder this week, proving once again that if you want to end a relationship without having to deal with a money grubbing gold digger, the easiest way to do so is with a pistol. At least, that's the way he tells it.  Of course, one must be an international figure and have millions of dollars in the bank, but the gifted life can be yours if you so desire.  Funny ... I didn't see any rioting there after the decision was read.  Oh yeah, that only happens in countries where the populace is primarily supported by government assistance and doesn't have to go to work to earn a living.  

6)  Olive Garden Restaurants.  The chain's loss of profits seem to have investor's so worried, they hired an efficiency group to come in and make recommendations.  One of these brilliant observers states that there are too many wasted breadsticks.  The chain's official policy is to only bring out one breadstick at a time, but many of the servers brought more.  With this landmark observation, the firm will be able to save enough to pay the cost of the efficiency group's services by the year 2059.

"There's no damn way I'm going
to lick your face, Rich!"
7)  Dogs That Lick Your Face.  Professor Alexandra Horowitz has proclaimed that the reason dogs lick your face leads back to their "wolf" ancestry.  Seems that wolves lick the faces of other wolves to get them to regurgitate food for the rest of the pack.  So, on that note, one could logically assume that if a dog doesn't lick your face after you eat, you may want to consider what you've been consuming!  "No, honey, I'm not knocking how bad you cook again ... the dogs are!"

8)  Dr. Lawrence Cohen.  Joan River's specialist is no longer performing operations or is the director of the medical facility where she had her final operation.  Seems he had another doctor in the operating room who was not authorized by the facility to be present.  Dr. Cohen was last observed running wild from the facility, with his hands clasped firmly over his ears, as reporters bombarded him with, "Can we talk ... really ... can we talk just a minute?"

9)  The Death Trilogy Hex.  As comedians and singers usually seem to die in groups of three, comedy clubs throughout the country are finding it hard to find comedians willing to claim the title of comedian for fear of being the remaining member of the "Robin Williams / Joan Rivers / ?" grouping.  In a related story, Saturday Night Live will be broadcast at its regular time this weekend, as none of those working there have anything to fear from the hex.

"Welcome to Walmart!  
10)  New Walmart Dress Code.  Employees, at the store no one admits to shopping in, Walmart, are once again having to take much of their earned income to purchase new clothes to conform with the new dress code their corporate headquarters has decided to impose upon them.  Since stores in the United States are only required to pay for uniforms, but not clothes that could be worn elsewhere, Employees are complaining that they would never wear a white or blue polo shirt, or khaki or black slacks anywhere else, and that it should be considered a uniform.  Judging from the usual clothing worn by most Walmart employees, the case is under consideration.  

That's going to do it for another Ten Things of Thankful!  

You've now traveled upon today's version of the African Queen.  As Bogey once said,

"Here's looking at you, kid!"


*** BTW ... Many "Serious" Thanks to all of you that have written me about how my wife is doing.  It's been a couple of weeks now and even though the physical hurts have mended, the mental still remain somewhat.  It will be a long road, I'm afraid, until all is once again, if ever, well.  Still, there are times I wonder if it didn't affect me just as greatly as vengeance is still a constant mind companion.  She, and I, do appreciate your concerns, well wishes, and prayers.  Again, Many Thanks!

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Just Once ... Let There Be One Night Of Legal Purging! Vengeance Is Thine! (Or how to cut the balls off a thug and ruin his prison sex life)

As many of you know, my wife and a co-worker of hers were the victims of a senseless attack last Saturday night.

That's the reason the comments many of you were so kind to leave on last week's post are still unanswered.

Physically, my wife is okay.  Mentally, the questions still remain.

That's beyond her standard mental deficiencies of course! 
 (Okay, so I had to make one joke.  
I can't help myself at times.)

The attack came after a shoplifter, after wandering around the pharmacy several times, had picked up a bottle of vodka and put it in his pocket.  The co-worker then asked to see his I.D., since he seemed to look way too young to legally purchase the item.  He slammed the bottle on the counter and started in with the screaming accusation crap that so many uneducated people partake of when they're caught in the act of a wrong doing.

My wife told him, "You just need to leave."

The 15-16 year old punk lashed out at her face with a fist, knocking off her glasses and grazing her nose.  He struck a second time and hit her hard in the right clavicle, knocking her backwards into the counter racks behind the register.  

It was at that point the co-worker started out from behind the counter and the punk strutted out the exit.  Unfortunately, the co-worker was unaware that the punk was standing just outside the door.  A bottle of Nyquill was smashed into the co-worker's face, breaking his glasses and sending glass into both the skin surrounding the eye and the eye as well.  The punk then took off in the company of two girls, one wearing a pink top (according to on scene witnesses)

A description of the youth:  young, black male, 15-16 years old in appearance, head bandana, black tank top and baggy and ripped black jeans.  Sad that it sounds, so stereotypical, isn't it?

When my wife told me about the occurrence she was still in shock.  A shock that allowed for her to create a denial.  However, as the days have passed, that denial has been replaced with anger and rage.  She'll heal ... slowly.  

I just don't know if I will, or even want to!

Immediately after being told of the event, my mind went to all the training I had in the military.  There are multiple ways to kill a person.  Believe me, there were very few that haven't passed through my mind since that night.

No, I'm not going to describe them.  I don't want to gross you out.  Let's just say that there are those that deserve to live and those that don't.  A man that uses brute force on an innocent woman only deserves to get what he demonstrates ... no mercy.

I really don't care if this thug had a messed up childhood.  Nor, do I care if he had parents that needed anger management classes and he's only exhibiting what he experienced at home.  I don't even care if he just lost his dog.

No, this is a person that society has honed.  He's selfish, thinks only of himself, respects the rights of no other human being, and believes that anything is okay as long as he gets away with it.  He believes he's tougher than anyone else and is dying to prove it.

I'm ready to give him his chance.

Should I be thankful to this person for any reason?  I've been told to be thankful that he didn't use a knife or gun that night.  I've also been told to be thankful that we have a police department that will get him in the end.  I don't believe that as they've proven themselves totally ineffective in a couple of other situations we've experienced over the years.

I guess I should be thankful that I wasn't present the other night.  It probably stopped some ignorant mother from pleading with authorities how her son didn't deserve to die and how he'd always been such an angel.  It probably stopped all of the minority leaders from having to visit our fair city and preach about how terrible it is that a fine young man's future is no longer a possibility as he was unfairly taken early in life.  It may have even stopped some riots from occurring.

But, in analyzing myself, I don't hate this individual because of his color.  In fact, color has nothing to do with it.  If it did, there would be no way I could talk to many of my co-workers, receive their empathy and understanding, and remain good friends.  This was a thug ... a dumb punk that picked on a 58 year old woman that needed to have his ass kicked regardless of his color because of his actions.  It's called attitude readjustment time ... when my attitude gets better by readjusting his face and body bone structure.  Its a time when the beast within me arises and slashes out to end the possibilities of future victims going through what my wife is going through.  It's a time for justice to forget the courts and the leniency they provide and do what seems to be most effective ... give a permanent lesson!

No, I will probably never get the chance to do as I wish with this person.  I would run for the chance, but I might be running forever.  However, sooner or later, if this person continues in the manner they've shown, someone will demonstrate what being a punk thug is all about ... dying.

It will be one funeral I won't cry at.  

Purge ... anyone?