Thursday, September 17, 2015

Naked and Afraid, Wendy's, and Carly and Hillary Jello Fight! Yes, It's Time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!

Just in case you missed it, Amanda Knox has been found innocent.

The highest of the Italian courts declared that her initial trial had basically been a sham and that there was absolutely no proof that she had any part in the killing that took place.

Her fifteen minutes of fame are now over.  She will go back to living a life outside of the spotlight until "Dancing With The Stars", or some other menial television show decides to offer her thousands of dollars to appear as a contestant.

What do you want to guess it's not 

"Naked and Afraid?"

In case you haven't seen "Naked and Afraid", here's the basic premise.  Put a man and a woman in a survival situation with minimal survival chance.  Take away all their clothes, give them one tool each to use (fire starter, machete, etc.) and leave them in the wilderness for 21 days.  If they're still there at the end of that time period, they can proclaim themselves survivalists and be proud that they lost 20-30 pounds each during the event.

No, none of the contestants has ever taken their Richard Simmons calorie cards as a survival tool.  They all complain about the hunger they suffer through as finding food is usually a task few do well at accomplishing.

Can you imagine being Amanda Knox's partner on the show and seeing her pull out a razor sharp machete?  Now, children, can you say, "Deja Vu?"

Remember, no body remains make murder hard to prosecute!  Just hope that she's a vegetarian!

Speaking of food, let's discuss the latest rule practiced by some of our wonderful eating establishments.

The other morning, I traveled the 200+ miles to my father's home in Indiana.  I started the trip at a convenience store where I purchased a large coffee.  I partook of this drink along the route, finding I still had a little left when I pulled into a Wendy's restaurant in Bloomington, Indiana.  I looked for a place to throw my cup but found that Wendy's has removed all outside trash receptacles.  

Ordering a Diet Coke and a chicken wrap, I asked the Keeper of the Drive Up Window if she would mind throwing away my cup to make room for the drink I had purchased.  I was informed that because of "food contamination" rules, they couldn't do that.  

I said, "Oh, you're good enough to allow me to contaminate my car with your cup, but you
can't toss my cup in a trash can?"

"Sorry, sir, rules are rules!"

"I understand.  You're allowed to handle money, which has been proven to be the dirtiest item one can handle, and then handle food, but you can't throw away my cup."

"Sorry, sir, rules are rules!"

So, being the asshole I am, I took my order, proceeded forward one car length, stopped my car, opened the door, and set the cup of coffee on the ground before driving off!

.  I have rules, too!  

Screw with me and I'll screw with you!

I bet they threw it in a trash can when they picked up the lot that day.

Remind me not to stop at Wendy's again.

It's a dangerous game they're playing.  Hell, they don't know that I'm not Amanda Knox in disguise just awaiting the chance to unsheathe my machete!

"HAHAHAHAHAHA .... I've FOUND the BEEF!!!!!!"

Anyway, it's time for

Ten Things Of Thankful!
Join Ten Things Of Thankful HERE!!!
This week, I'm thankful for ...

1)  .... a Chinese surgeon 
"Hell, I think I turned out just fine!"
and an Italian surgeon have confirmed that they will perform the first head transplant surgery at Harbin Medical University in China.  Having never been attempted, they hope for immediate success.  

Or, at least they're hoping that their efforts provide something better than the previous secret attempts that no one would ever take credit for.

Well, at least no one in the Republican Party would ever take credit for.

Or, would they?

2)  ... Consumer Reports has listed the Chrysler 200, the Land Rover Discovery Sport, The Lexus NX Crossover, and the Kia Sedona to be the three worst cars in the market.  

Lexus, Kia, and Land Rover contest this listing, while Chrysler simply states, 
"Hell, at least we're at the top of someone's list!"

3)  ... Donald Trump was blasted by a Latino crowd after a political rally in Dallas, Texas this week.  The disagreement was voiced over his statements concerning the "sending back to Mexico" the illegal aliens, and how drugs, crime, and rapists were much of what was coming into the states.

Let's be real, the Latino vote is a Democratic one, for the most part.  
Obama thrived on it during the last election, and Hillary plans on doing 
the same in the next one.  (She'd email you about it but seems to have 
trouble emailing anything these days.)  Personally, I see the Latinos as
 a hard working group that isn't afraid to get their hands dirty for their pay.  
There are several other groups already in the United States that should take
 lessons from them instead of hanging out at the Post Office awaiting 
government checks every month.

Besides, what American city couldn't use another quality restaurant?

Got any hot sauce?

4)  ... El Nino's possibly going to lead to more snakebites.  Seems that the heat it will bring the serpents closer to humans in search of their prey (rats, mice, etc.).  Thus, more people will get bit.  Some accidentally and some through foolishness.  

Seems like the weather is bringing more than raindrops on the head 
and showers bringing flowers that bloom in May, doesn't it?

5)  ... "Dancing With The Stars" began its 21st season on television Monday Night.


6) ... a Texas teenager that brought a bomb to school ... or so the school officials thought.  Actually, turns out the officials bombed big time as it was only a clock that he had put together.  The police also bombed as they put the 14-year-old in handcuffs and took him to jail.

There are times fear leads people to do things they later regret.  Obviously, it was better for the officials to end up eating crow in the name of safety first, rather than to try validating why hundreds of children were blown up by a bomb.  (And, just this week, an ISIS violence  influenced 15-year-old Danish girl was sentenced as her and her male Iraqi friend, Mohammed Bakhtiar Abdullah, stabbed her mother over 20 times!) 

Still, Obama wants to make it up to this kid and offer him a visit to the White House.  

Sure, let's reward stupidity!

What am I saying?  Let's look even further into this matter.  

Terrorism is everywhere and people are afraid.  We are at war with a Muslim force that wouldn't hesitate one second to send a suicide bomber into a school.  So, if you were a Muslim, wouldn't common sense tell you not to parade around with a "Make Your Own Clock" kit that resembled a bomb?  

That's right, common sense isn't common!

And, now this stupid kid (who should have finished all these "make your own" kits by age 9 or 10) is being rewarded for his inability to exhibit common sense, as many, who also lack the common sense to calculate human reactions, think he was mistreated.  Hell, he's lucky someone didn't shoot his ass thinking he really was a terrorist!  

Someone sit the offended public and the kid down, 
explain the values of common sense and thinking 
about what you're doing before you do it, 
and buy the kid a wristwatch!
(Talk about some Mickey Mouse B.S.     Geeeeesh!)

7)  ... Twinkle, Twinkle, little star, shooting near and farting far ...  

 WHAT???   Yes, shooting stars may not be what you think they are.  NASA scientists have stated that when the astronauts aboard the space station orbiting the Earth take a dump, it's got to go somewhere.  Out the chute with the poop and into space it does fly. If it happens to enter Earth's atmosphere then it's a quick "Flame On, Flame Out" as it burns up.

So, for all you romantic lovers stargazing, remember, wishing upon a star from afar may keep you from feeling the poo from the crew.  Just put the top up in the convertible (or close the moonroof) and you'll be fine... except for maybe taco and burrito night!  

Makes you wonder what urine turns into, doesn't it?

"Did someone say something about 
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head a little earlier?"

8) ...  the typical American family's income dropped to $53,657 last year.  (I might add that bankruptcies continue to rise as more and more credit card companies find that people cannot pay the 29.99% rate they conveniently charge when family funds are at their lowest.)  This was the fifth year in a row that income levels either dropped or were stagnant.  

This is sure to bring a big laugh at the upcoming Republican and Democrat
 $10,000 a plate campaign dinners.  After all, getting rid of the middle class 
seems to be working quite well for all of them!

9)  ... Carly Fiorina, candidate for president on the Republican ticket, seemed to win a debate among other candidates this week aired on CNN.  (I missed it ... intentionally,  I might add.)

I say let's end all the bull right now, put Hillary and Carly in bikinis and 
have them fight for the presidency in a swimming pool of either Jello or mud. 
 We could do the same thing with Jeb Bush and Donald Trump, but that 
might scare viewers away even faster than Hillary in a bikini!
Actually, I take that back.  Hillary would be scarier!

(Okay, I'm expecting the chauvinistic statements 
on that one so don't hold back!)

10) ... a Florida woman who was arrested this week after attempting to stab a deputy with a sword!  Later, police found several rooms filled with over 3,500 bladed weapons.  This is one time that decorating abilities weren't as sharp as the accessories within!

All we've heard for years is gun control, gun control, gun control.  Here's a 
lady that obviously didn't trust the government from not taking away her guns. 
 So, instead, she has enough knives, swords, spears, machetes, and 
other stabbing weapons to take care of two zombie apocalypses!  

Like I've said for years, it's not the gun that kills, 
it's the person that pulls the trigger,
or, in this case, stabs the hardest!  

Get the point?

11)  ... 15 Presidential candidates, past and present, have admitted to trying marijuana at least once in their lives. These admissions seem to be the thing to do these days as taxes from pot sales in Colorado actually surpassed alcohol taxes this year.

   What I want to know is who still does it, 
where they get their weed from, 
and if any of them have ever had an acid trip flashback!   

That's the one I'm voting for!

I can see it now ... 

"Hey Dude, there's a lot of names and buttons on this machine. 
 I just want to vote for the doper.  
Close the curtain and I'll light one up!   
Wow, dude......"

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Well, that's going to do it for another edition.
Hope you found something above to smile about.
I should've stopped at 10, but I forgot ... wow, man!

My smiles have been deleted this week by some
unprofessional events I've endured, but won't go 
into detail over. Hopefully, your comments will
assist in bringing them back.

Till Next Time ...


Friday, September 4, 2015

Ky Co Clerk, Miley Cyrus VMA's and Peeing in the Pool ... Ya Gotta Luv 'Em, and TTOT!!!

A clerk has refused to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples in Kentucky and the whole world is watching.

Obviously, MTV's Video Music Awards were broadcast on the wrong day!

Some call her a martyr, some a hypocrite, some a tight ass bitch, and so on and so on.

I'm talking about the County Clerk, not Miley Cyrus
 (who hosted the VMA's).

Yet, in consideration of the week and the events we're starting to discuss, 


Yeah, I'm gonna piss some people off with that one!

Seriously, let us look at this scenario.

Miley can wear what she wants, pretty much say what she wants, and dance with anyone she wishes and only suffer minor critique.  Of course, there are those that are making a big thing of the word "mammy" in one of her sketches, but there will always be a few assholes with something to say since the world is now made up of so many "experts" that have never worn the shoes of those they slander.

She's paid to do it and earns her money.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of hers, but I have to admire her tenacity of seeking and reaching the extreme in most she does.

Now, Kim Davis, the Rowen County Clerk in Kentucky, can do pretty much what she wants, as long as she follows the same guidelines as Miley in as that it's in the performance of her job.  She can tell jokes, compare signatures, check identifications to ensure those in front of her are of age, and issue licenses to those the law states are legally able to receive a marriage license.

She's earning her money ($80,000 a year) by doing this.  Trouble is, she suddenly isn't following the laws that have been set down.  So, in reality, she's really not doing her job.

What if different religions only issued licenses to those that were of the same belief structure?  Wouldn't that be a mess?

Jews could turn down Christians who could turn down Muslims who could turn down Buddhists who could turn down Hindus who could turn down Atheists who would turn down everyone!  

No one would ever get married!  Thousands of lawyers would be out of work as with no weddings come no divorces!  And, we just couldn't have that, could we?  Poor, poor divorce attorneys need an income, too!

Now, no one recognizes how wonderful it is to be married until they're married.  

(Of course, it's too late to do anything about it then, but that's another story.)  

So, when can religion prevent a person from doing their job?

Whether you agree or not, it shouldn't.

If your personal beliefs keep you from performing the responsibilities of your position, then you simply need to find another position!

If you're not a prostitute, I wouldn't pay you for sex.  (Maybe that's why I might as well be abstinent.)  If you're not adept in working with snakes, I'm not going to ask you to extract venom from one. (Unless I don't like you.)   If you're a not a proctologist, I'm not going to ask you to put your fingers up my ... well, you know where.  (However, if I'm paying and you're a prostitute...)

What makes it even worse here is that it is a so-called "public servant" that is refusing to do what she took an oath to do.  "Public" is not just those of your personal belief circle, it's everyone.

I really don't care who gets married to each other.  We all deserve our time in Hell and marriage is one sure way to experience it!  If there were two aliens from the planet Humpa Humpa that became legal residents of the area you are sworn to serve, you gotta do it,
 or get the hell out of Dodge!  

Living in Kentucky, I'm not ashamed of this woman standing up for her beliefs any more than I'm upset over what Miley Cyrus said or wore at the VMA's.  Everyone has a right to believe in what they wish.  I am pissed off that she let those beliefs stop her from doing what my tax dollars pay her do, and in this, brought forth unnecessary negative attention to the state whose laws she swore to abide by.

I wish Kim well, as I do Miley.  Both have performed beyond anyone's expectations.  However, it's time to either earn your pay, or pay for what you fail to earn.  

I hope your time in jail is short and that you get a great job with a church, Kim.  It's really where you belong.

And, Miley, remember, it's not always what you show, but what you either have or don't have to show.  Can you say, "Implants?"

Now, let's get on to 


Damn, what am I going to slam this week?  I've already hit on a couple of real winning topics I could have attacked.  (Talk about poor planning.)  So, now I've got to come up with ten more.  Let's give it a shot and see what I can do!

This week I'm Thankful for .....

1)   ... Donald Trump's inability to stay strong and ignore the Republican Party's request for him to sign a statement in which he would not run for public office if he didn't receive the Republican nomination for President.  By indicating that he will sign this, he has proven himself to be a typical snot nosed politician that needs to cuddle up with those that make him as wealthy as he is.

I'm thankful for this because I was almost believing that someone would finally stand up to the two party waltz and show them a thing or two.  This has simply assured me that my feelings that all politicians, regardless of the party, are scum and only looking to improve their own financial position in life.

2)  ... the continued absence of AllLivesMatter from any of the news broadcasts concerning the murder of police officers. 

 Funny how "all lives don't matter" to them, isn't it?

3)  ... CVS Health Corp announcing Thursday that their decision to stop selling tobacco products led to a 1% drop in smoking in some states where they have a sizable presence.

CVS proves its ego!  Cigarette prices were always outrageous at CVS (as are prescription prices), which meant only two groups purchased them there ... those with extra money or the drunks visiting the huge liquor departments the stores present that didn't care how much they were spending, as long as they didn't get stopped by the cops on the way home.  

4)  ... Spotify for naming Major Lazer's "Lean On" the most streamed Global Song of the Summer.

This once again proves that those that listen to today's music have no taste whatsoever!  
(Where's a good Miley Cyrus song when you need it?)

Please, no Miley songs!  Just joking here!!!

5)  ... Kanye West almost acting like a human being after being introduced by a praising Taylor Swift during this week's VMA's.

Of course, this only lasted for a few seconds before his ego got the better of him and he once again became an asshole announcing that he's running for President in 2020.

6)  ... discussions at the end of Summer about peeing in the pool.  After a season spent splashing in the water, Purdue Professor Ernest R. Blatchley III mentions that excessive peeing in the pool can create a chemical agent known as cyanogen chloride which has been used as a chemical warfare agent.

The only recommendation given is that you always take a break and pee where 
you're supposed to, and make sure all those you're with do the same.  

Ex-President Bush proclaimed, 
"I knew we'd find the WMD's one day, damn it, I knew it!"

7)  ... a U.S. District Judge condemning the NFL's suspension of New England's Tom Brady and throwing the "Deflategate" ruling out.

Now, all you have to say is that you didn't have any knowledge of a violation
 taking place and you get a "Get Out Of Jail" card FREE!!!!

8)  ... U.S. Defense Department laboratories sending out anthrax to five unsuspecting labs this last week.

I can see the Generals up in arms now.  "Why send them Anthrax, damn it???"  Hell, just mix some pee with chlorine and you'll get rid of your competitors the easy way!"

9)  ... "Here's a story, about a famous pitch man, he was fat but slimmed down eating smart,
And a story, about one of his friends, who liked sex with kids and liked to be tied up tight!"
It's a story, about how the cops caught them, saving kids and dogs and other animals, too,
Just a story, it'll make you hungry, ..." so go order a damn pizza!

Okay, Jared will be going to jail.  Twenty years ago, it wouldn't have happened.  Why?  Because his friend's texting the wrong person brought the investigation right to his doorstep.  For that, I'm thankful.  No more having to look at size 895 sized blue jeans and wondering how many kids he made wear them.

What scares me is that one of the kids will suffer a trauma 20 years from today and start killing people with footlong meatball sandwiches!  Oh, the heartburn!

10)  ... AOL's headlines "Dangerous Storm Season May Set New Record In 2015".

And, then again, it might not!

That's going to do it for another edition of TTOT!   Hope you enjoyed!  
If you didn't, I'll understand.  After all, not everyone likes Chocolate Ice Cream
 ... wait a minute ... yes they do!!!!   

Please leave your comments below!