Monday, June 24, 2013

Attack of the Killer Zombie Twinkies!!!!

If You See One Of These, Run Very Quickly!!!!


Who would have ever 
guessed it?

Months ago, when Hostess declared bankruptcy, many thought they'd never see their beloved Twinkies ever again.  Babies cried, grade schooler's went through lunchtime D.T.'s, potheads went "Wow, man!", and pregnant mothers screamed obscenities at helpless grocery clerks.  

The nation was in turmoil.

Gradually (as they only had a 45 day shelf life), except for those watching Woody Harrelson's quest in "Zombieland" reruns on Cinemax, Twinkies were all but forgotten.  It was a brighter day in the land as 50 pound bags of Oreo Cookies made a strong comeback, especially with the potheads! ("Wow, man!)

Yes!  Twinkies Will Be Coming Back Soon!!!!!
Then, the announcement was made that on July 15, 2013, Hostess, under new ownership, would again be bringing back  Twinkies!   Crowds roared in glee!  Fireworks filled the skies!  Redneck newlyweds even stopped making love to simply lie back and relish in the thoughts of Twinkies and the ecstasy they would bring!

Little did the public know that the governments of the world had formed a solitary world alliance government. Under the new Hostess owner name of Metropoulos & Co. & Apollo, their mad, but educated, scientists had developed a new type of Twinkies.  These Twinkies would carry a mind control drug (known as Blowurmind) that would create a world society of slaves.  Slaves that would work for minimum wage, live with four to five families in one apartment (or full size '77 Chevy van), and never complain about the government they served.  It was based upon the recent illegal immigrants of the United States ... a proven to work model.

As July 15th grew closer, the excitement escalated.  Thoughts of a spongy yellow cake filled with a thick, white, vanilla cream caused mouths to water endlessly and allowed the wiping of drool to become an accepted social grace.  Car payments were ignored and families stopped buying vegetables and toilet paper in order to ensure proper funding of the untold number of boxes of Twinkies they would soon be devouring.  

Anticipated Twinkie Riots Called For Extreme Security Measures!!
Grocery and convenience stores hired security companies to supply extra personnel to handle the imagined onslaught of customers expected for the release date.  Medical personnel prepared emergency rooms to handle the multitude of sugar overdose victims anticipated.  Even daycare facilities hired temporary help to guard the stashes of Twinkies they would hoard for their customers children.  Finally, all nations called out their National Guard troops to be on the alert!

On July 14th, every semi truck and trailer in the nations of the world arrived at the Twinkies distribution centers.  Pallets of these golden morsels were loaded continuously from sun-up to sundown.  By morning, every store in the world had storerooms crammed full and shelves fully stocked.  

The crowds didn’t disappoint.  One United States chain, Walmart, was overrun as thousands of customers grabbed armfuls of boxes and fought for a place in line at one of the two registers open.  Lines stretched around the inside of the store three times until people grew frustrated, rioted, and escaped the premises without paying.  It was a scene repeated the world over.
And then it happened.
Yes, Dummy, You Now Want To Run Very Quickly!!!
Didn't You See My Warning On The First Picture?

Blowurmind, not having been properly tested by the FDA, immediately started having a different reaction than expected.  Instead of simply being a mind control drug, people were being transformed into giant, man eating Zombie Twinkies!

Zombie Twinkies now roam the streets by the thousands, feasting upon those that had either procrastinated buying the boxes of golden treats, or were diabetics that couldn’t take the chance of eating them and going into a diabetic coma.  

It is reported that after attacking their victims with crab-like claws, the Zombie Twinkies  fed by soaking their victim's blood into the golden cake outside, and blending it into the green and gray mold already setting in from being exposed to the humidity outside the bag.  They have also been know to shoot their thick, white, vanilla cream into the nostrils of those that get too close, causing death by suffocation.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, geesh!  What are you ... a cheerleader?)

Some of us hid behind locked doors with our Little Debbie cakes, as our neighbors were being squished and saturated by Zombie Twinkies.  C-SPAN, with it’s never ending  camera shots of the United States Senate, showed continuous coverage of those politicians (that had agreed to the idea of mind control) becoming food for the Zombie Twinkies.  One could tell that digesting politicians didn’t agree with the intestinal system of the Zombie Twinkies, though, as many were immediately regurgitated.  We guessed politicians were as hard for the Zombie Twinkies to stomach as they are for us.
Mommy, I'm Scared Of ZombieTwinkies!

So now, three days after the initial release of the new Twinkies, the survivors of the world's nations still hide.  Yes, we fearfully slink in the shadows of our own homes.  Our windows are boarded up and doors barricaded, sealed shut tightly by the caramel insides of Snickers bars.  

It is our only hope.

There have been many attempts to stop the giant Zombie Twinkies, but none have yet proven to be effective.  Bullets are useless on the Zombie Twinkies as the thick, white, vanilla cream quickly hardens and fills up the holes.  Torches of fire are extinguished by this same white cream.  Explosives only scatter their remains that each then grow into full size monsters.  And, those that have successfully attacked the beasts with sledgehammers and axes have found the cream and cake spattered leftovers to be far too tempting to resist, and have quickly been transformed into Killer Zombie Twinkies themselves after tasting.

It is whispered that the few remaining scientists of the world are working on a cure by developing a natural enemy to the Twinkies.  Although no one alive has ever seen a giant chocolate Ding Dong, it is our only hope.

Until that time (if ever) when all is back to normal...

Anyone have an Oreo and a glass of milk handy?

***To the makers and owner of Twinkies.  This has only been written in jest.  
If you can't take a joke, then go back and develop something that won't make 
a joke of every diet known to man.  Twinkies are know to have no nutritional 
value and are filled with unnecessary calories.  Pay your workers what they 
deserve, cut back on upper management salaries, and develop a treat you 
can be proud of that's healthy for people to eat.  Thank you!