Saturday, June 14, 2014

Things Your Parents Told You ... The Damn Liars!

I’m feeling somewhat guilty about posting recently.

Like, that ever bothered me before.

Since deciding to take a vacation from writing, I’ve encountered physical stress of sorts.

My clumsy ass fell (thanks to an unexpected pavement drop off), tore up my ankle ligaments, ripped the membrane between my tibia and fibula, and broke my fibula.

No, regardless of popular opinion, it did not happen as I was kicking my wife’s ass.  I’m the gentle type.

Actually, today is our 34th wedding anniversary. 

Now you know the real reason I chose to write this tonight.  No, romantic evenings of candlelight, wine, and hot passionate lovemaking are no longer on my agenda.  

Unless, of course, my neighbors happen to leave their curtains open wide enough.

I, also, reached a milestone this week.  Many years ago, I felt as though I would never make it to the age of forty.  My lifestyle, being an adrenaline rush addict, pretty much dictated I wouldn’t be around long enough to see how all my life’s injuries would feel in later years.  Unfortunately, broken bones, tissue damage from venomous reptile bites, and joint stress from continuously overdoing it in various activities now come back and mock my longevity.

Yeah, I hit sixty this week.  What a bummer!

Yeah, won't be long now!
Oh, I’ve had people say things like, “You don’t look like you’re even close to sixty”, “It’s so much better than the alternative of not reaching sixty”, and “Aren’t you happy you’re getting closer to retirement?”

Sometimes people say what they think is so original … and it’s been heard so many times before.  (Shhh … don’t tell them.  It would only hurt their feelings.)

And I really should be thankful for over 70 Internet friends that wished me a Happy Birthday ... driving the knife deeper into the wound.

In fact, I’ve done a lot of reflecting over my past years this week.  Thusly, this week’s Ten Things Of Thankful is going to be about some things that my parents told me as I was growing up … that make no sense to me whatsoever at this time.

So, without further ado, let us proceed by saying …

I’m Thankful For …

1)  No child ever starved to death in China because I didn’t eat everything on my plate.  I can’t prove this, but I feel as though as many lawyers are there are in the world, I would have been summoned by now if this had indeed occurred. 

2)  That I never had an interviewer look at me and say, “In going back to your Permanent Record, I see that you were late getting to school three times in the second grade and four times in the third.  You realize this means you can’t have the job, don’t you?”

Never grew these or any other
vegetables out of my ears!
Did you?
3)  I never had vegetables grow out of my ears because I didn’t properly wash.  There was always a fear of that happening during a basketball game.  I dreaded the possibility of going up for a jump shot and having a cucumber fall out of the side of my head.

4)  I never became a Satin worshipper by playing a record backwards, or by even listening to that demonized rock and roll music.  I did become a heavy fan of Black Sabbath, and later Iron Maiden, but for some reason, I never sacrificed any animal or human during religious ceremonies.  I wonder if I missed out on something there … no, not really.

5)  Smoking never stunted my growth.  I stopped growing any taller before I started smoking.  However, since smoking has become a long time habit, my waist size has grown … well, let’s just say it has grown and leave it at that.  Of course, dependent upon what was being smoked was also a factor here, but, again, let’s just let that be … unless you know where I can find some.  (I lost my source years ago!)

6)  I never did jump in a lake just because one of my friends did.  I jumped off of a river bridge a few times without knowing the depth of the water, and luckily, never found myself in wading depth.  Stupid, but what the hell, we all did stupid things at one time.  Funny thing is, politicians seem to have never grown up and stopped doing them.

Whatdayamean I can't park the
van in the driveway?  Geeesh!
7)  My parents never died of shame because of some of the outfits I wore.  My mother died long before I started experimenting with tie-dyed t-shirts, bell bottoms, sandals, and peace sign medallions, and my father is still alive.  At least I never purchased a leisure suit!

8)  Not everyone feels as though you’re sinning by using profanity.  In fact, when I was performing stand-up comedy, I found that if you didn’t use some profanity, the audiences almost felt cheated.  This happened mostly in the Bible Belt.  It was like these people pretended to be holier than thou Monday through Friday at work, but on Friday and Saturday nights, they’d hit the comedy clubs and laugh their butts off at the smut.  I guess it gave them something to go to church on Sunday mornings and repent for.  So, I’d always test the audiences by starting off clean, and then tossing in a word every now and then to gauge the reactions.  Yep, some people love profanity … it’s a proven fact.  

9)  No, I never did cause anyone to lose their eyesight by flipping paperclips, spitballs, or throwing rocks.  I did shoot out a basement window with a BB Gun once, but I blamed it on a neighbor kid down the road and got away with it.  (Like you never told a lie as a kid!)

10)  Lastly, my face never froze up while making a funny face at someone.  I did get caught making one at a teacher one day (of which they returned a funny face of their own), but my face still has the ability to shift between frowning and smiling, without any frozen parts causing hindrance. 

Now, the jury is still out on masturbation.  True, I did have to start wearing glasses at an early age, but I knew many kids that were like me in that area.  I wonder if they were … hmmmmmm.   Let’s give that one a few more years to decide upon.

Anyway, I know this has been a little different Ten Things Of Thankful for me, but I’ve been ignoring the news as of late.  Seems like no one is learning from their mistakes and history is doing nothing more than repeating itself over and over again.  Maybe next week I'll get back to my standard sarcastic ass fare … we’ll just have to see.


****All photos compliments of