Friday, November 14, 2014

Cat O' Nine Tails, Wendy's Chili and Pink Floyd ... The Dark Side Of The Mind

SEE ALL THE GREAT TEN THINGS
 OF THANKFUL POST RIGHT HERE!!!!
Today is the day I'm supposed to post my Ten Things Of Thankful for the week.

I haven't written a thing.

Some wonder if I ever do.

To those people I say, "Do you?"

This has been an extremely slow news week, as far as stupid people are concerned.  Oh, Putin's putting on a show by bringing his battleships to an international World Summit conference in Australia, but that's a minor thing for him.  Almost not worth mentioning.  

The U.S. Congress is experiencing growing pains after the past elections.  They've even had to call in a professional to measure all new members for their white hats and black hats that they'll be switching out from time to time as society's Hunger Games continue in the country's diminishing middle class households.  "Yee-Haw!!!"

And a Winter snowstorm has already hit the Central United States.  It was going to happen sooner or later, so big deal.  Just something else for the press to sensationalize about.

So, the question is, "What the Hell do I write about today???"

Damned if I know!

So, let's just ramble and see if something happens to take place.  If it does, fantastic.  If it doesn't, well, I can always just not join in this week.  But, then I would have to face the fury and wrath of Lizzi and her band of murdering page riders, and I might never see the light of day again.

Of course, I could leap away from them to another page.  "Ha!"  
Lizzi's Cat O' Nine Tails


But, being as tenacious as Lizzi is, I'm sure she'd find me, flay me with her cat 'o nine tails, soak my wounds in the saltiest brine she could locate, and tie me in the hot desert sun to be munched on by vultures seeking sustenance.  I'd watch them pluck away at my flesh until one would happen to discover the wondrous taste of my eyeballs.  And, with those being gone, I could no longer watch the feast, nor see Lizzi laughing with eternal delight in the background, wine glass in hand, and feet being massaged by all of her tribe, one at a time ... of course.

After all of that, she'd recall my spirit and with a binding spell, paste me to a keyboard with instructions to "... come up with something worth reading."

"Worth reading?" I'd reply. "Since when did I ever write something worth reading?"

Lizzi would then realize the truth of the words spoken, slowly turn around to her tribe and with her shoulders hung in defeat, take herself and all her followers to another page to destroy someone else in a similar non creative state.  I'd be left, pasted to a keyboard, alone in the vast emptiness of my page, wondering if I should start typing, or simply allow myself to pass on, becoming just another page that needed updating without anyone ever hitting the Enter button.

So, anyway, let's see if I can find anything worth being thankful for this week.

1)  Sports on TV.  Yes, I'm indeed thankful for sports on TV.  Now, I'm not a great sports fan that can recite stats and talk about all the different team players of the decades.  But, years ago I found that if I wanted to be left alone for the evening, all I'd have to do would be to turn on a college basketball or football game, and my wife would go into another room to watch her shows.  Having been an only child for the first 13 years of my life, this time alone meant the world to me.  

However, over the years, her interests have grown and now she'll sit right there and watch the games with me ... much to my dismay.  However, there are benefits to her being in the same room, especially when she gets up to get something to drink. Often, I con her into getting me something while she's up by saying something loving like, "Hey, bitch, while you're up bring me a Diet Coke."  It's amazing what a person will do simply to keep from arguing when the score is close and time short in the game!

2)   Nestle's Hot Cocoa Mix.  If you have any age on you, I'm sure you remember, 


"N-E-S-T-L-E-S, 
Nestles makes the very best.  
CHOOCOOLAATE!!"

This sugar free concoction is one of the few benefits that my workplace has to offer.  Savory sweet with 0 Calories from fat make this delicious powder from the envelope something to yearn for when over brewed coffee is the norm.  I often wish I could find a way to keep all of the powder mixed in the hot water, but alas, some of it finds its way to the bottom of the cup and creates a bog of muck so thick that the Hulk would get mired down if he attempted to trod through it.  I have to admit, the muck is good for catching pesky flies, though.

3)  Liberals.  Oh, those liberals.  I'm offended, we're offended, everyone is offended, don't say this, don't say that, politicians can be our saviors, we know what's right for your state, you have no idea what's right for our state, People are good, guns and cigarettes are bad.  Minority rules, says the Constitution, as we've never lived in a democracy ... only a republic, change the name of the Washington Redskins, Obama is God, lawyers are always right, God Bless Our America!   (You gotta love 'em!)



4)  Conservatives.  Oh, those conservatives.  I'm offended, we're offended, everyone is offended, don't say this, don't say that, politicians can be our saviors, we know what's right for our state, you have no idea what's right for your state, People are bad, guns and cigarettes are good.  Majority rules says the Constitution as we've never lived in a Communistic state but a democracy, never change the name of the Washington Redskins, all Republicans are God, lawyers are always wrong unless they're Republican lawyers, and God Bless Our America!   
(You gotta love 'em!)

5)  Common Sense.  Look at all the selfish liberal and conservative dumb asses fighting over crap that doesn't matter.  If everyone would mind their own business and learn how to tolerate others, we might just find a way to get along.  Compromise is the key as no one deserves to have anything their way and their way only.  We live in a country that provides more freedom than any other, but won't stay that way for long if we continue the course we're on.  The more that is restricted will soon restrict freedom from standing.

Big government is only there because we allow it, not because it's needed.  See through the smokescreens they lay and observe what is really going on in Washington, D.C. between the special interest groups filling the pockets of politicians, and the $10,000 a plate dinners.  Oh, the games the politicians play!  

If we started accepting personal accountability for the actions of ourselves and those in our care, we might just find that kids can't be raised by television and video games.  They need instruction, guidance, and quality time to properly mature.  We'd understand that only God is God and no one else comes close, if you believe in God in the first place.  And, "No", lawyers can't destroy religion.  They can only do their best to hide it when no one stands up and provides resistance.  

Get rid of the "I" in your life and start recognizing the power of the "We".  Otherwise, "I" will soon be no more when the governments and big business start herding us as cattle.  Remember, the goal is to first divide and then conquer.  Labeling yourself a liberal or conservative is only the first stage of your demise and their strength.  


But, of course, you'd have to have common sense to understand these thoughts.  


Wouldn't that be nice?
Like, you couldn't guess this was a
long sleeve t-shirt, could you?

6)  Long Sleeve T-Shirts.  A fantastic invention that should be a staple in every person's wardrobe.  Nothing like an extra layer of clothing to hold in the body heat when you're sitting in a cold middle class living room, eating your cold can of Pork & Beans, because mandated medical insurance rates and shrinking middle class wages cause you to be unable to pay your electric bill.  They'll also become standard apparel when your area becomes one of many District 13's, so named after the chapter of bankruptcy you're forced to file.  (Nothing like optimism for the weekend, is there?)
And, in case you couldn't
figure it out, this is a picture
of Wendy's chili!  



7)  Wendy's Chili.  I know that it's made out of greasy leftover hamburgers from the day before, and that it's added to existing chili all day instead of being made fresh.  Still, buck for buck, a small Wendy's Chili for $1.79 is one hell of a bargain in today's world, especially if you've got an allergy to white enriched flour. Devour two of these and you can enjoy that much desired evening alone later as no one will be able to stay in the same room with you without a clothespin on their nose!  Plus, if you wait a few hours, you can recognize another benefit it provides as you'll be saving big money on laxatives!  They should call it the 


"Wendy's Three In One Chili ... 
For the Menage a Trois In You!"


8)   Pink Floyd's "The Endless River".  For months I've awaited this CD.  It was stated that it was simply done from reworking outtakes from a previous CD, and adding vocals to only two of the 18 songs.  Still, my addiction to Pink Floyd and the acid strewn memories of things that happened in my life in the late 60's and early 70's while their "Dark Side Of The Moon" album was playing told me that excitement would be worthy of such a masterpiece. 

 "Ehhhh, it's okay."  Nice instrumentals, but overall, not something I'd get myself all hot and bothered about.  Seems like Pink Floyd is like all the other artists that have been around too long in that they've all been around too long.  Think I'll go and listen to "Dark Side Of The Moon" again.  


Anyone got an extra hit of acid?

9)  Gotham.  In case you haven't seen it, Gotham is a television show on Fox that precedes Batman's days as Batman in Gotham City.  No, Penguin isn't Danny DeVito in a fat man body suit, but rather a slender young man with aspirations of becoming the crime overlord.  Will Smith's wife has the same idea, while a young Inspector Gordan still believes that right is right and wrong is wrong, naive to say the least.  It definitely takes strong liberties with the Batman legend, but it's better than watching Dancing With The Stars week after week.  Besides, Barbara Gordan is HOT!!!

10.  The End.  Finally, I'm thankful that this post is coming to an end!  Damn, this one was a struggle without the week in news helping me out.  Hopefully, zombies will take over Philly, vampires will invade Baton Rouge, and common sense will overcome the vacancy of the minds in Washington, D.C., giving me a much easier post to write next week.  


So, until then,

CIAO!


Monday, November 10, 2014

Veterans Day 2014 ... No Thanks To Free Handouts


Veterans Day ... 

a day of honor for those who offered their lives for their country.

Just prove to us you did and we'll give you a handout.

Would you like for me to recite the articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice or just pull out a bayonet and demonstrate kill tactics on your employees?

Tomorrow is Veterans Day.  Big deal!

I don't say that to show any disrespect to any veteran.  God knows we did our time, served our country, and put our lives on the line ... so that we could be looked down upon when we returned to civilian life.  This is especially true of those that served during the Vietnam Conflict.

I say it because it's only an excuse for banks and federal offices to close.  Everyone else will go on about their day as if it was just a standard day.  In fact, the majority of veterans will be working at their jobs while many of their bosses, who never served, will be celebrating the day with bankers at the local country club.

Out of curiosity, I just perused an article that listed the names of various businesses that were going to be providing incentives for veterans to enter their place of business today.  Free entrees, free meals, a free donut and coffee, and a few other offerings were listed.

And, right along side the listings were the words, Proof of service or active I.D. required.

It is understandable that businesses don't want to be taken to the cleaners while attempting to demonstrate kindness and respect.  However, unless most veterans can dig out their old DD214 discharge papers, that proof is nonexistent.

When I left the military, I was given a pink I.D. card that was only good for the remainder of my active duty six year obligation.  That is long gone.  Besides the DD214, there is no proof I can provide to get a freebie.

It is sad is that businesses have to put this stipulation upon their offers.

The scum that would claim military service just to get a freebie they didn't earn are present in today's society in droves.  Instead of honoring those who did the time, they dishonor us by proclaiming themselves to be part of the brotherhood that served.  These dregs of society should be taken to Africa for four years and be forced to assist in the fight to end the Ebola virus.  At least then they'd know what it was like to serve in a battle zone.  Hopefully, most of them would never come back.

As I approach the age of becoming a "senior citizen", I hear more and more people saying, "You earned the freebies.  Take advantage of what is being offered."

Somewhat tempting at times, but this is not me.  I am not one to jump at freebies, regardless of the intent.  The military proved to me that you have to work to achieve.  Nothing is free as someone has had to pay the price along the way.  Sometimes, they had to pay it with their life!

Our country would do well to adopt this philosophy.  The freebies our government provides those that have never paid any price whatsoever are ridiculous.  So ridiculous, that we are now seeing the results of these actions in our "you owe us" society.

Folks, you aren't owed one damn thing unless you earned it.  Having a baby at fourteen, sitting on your ass trying to figure out ways to work the system, and falsely proclaiming you're disabled does not give you one damn right ... except to learn from your mistakes and get your ass busy doing something that will better your life!

Instead of a nation of the intelligent, we've become a nation of no common sense.  Political correctness came about because few were teaching their children right from wrong, how to be responsible and accept personal accountability, or even the standards of being polite and proper manners.  And, in the last 20 years, our government has decided to screw up the educational system and deny the intelligent a reason to excel as they're held back so others can continue to fail.  Of course, that's generally what government does, fail.

The fear of our forefathers was that government would get too big.  George Orwell, in his novel "1984" and Ray Bradbury in "Fahrenheit 451" both attempted to provide a warning to the dangers of government control.  Instead of listening, we've ignored.  Welcome to the land of "A Clockwork Orange".  I only hope personal choice wins out in the real world as it did in Anthony Burgess's novel.

Call me old, senile, eccentric, etc.   I really don't care as I've witnessed a country out of control.  A country, not proud and brave, but one in which fear rules the populace, tolerance has departed, the minority rules whenever offended, and belief that a politician is working for the people is like belief in the Easter Bunny ... a complete waste of time.

To all the businesses that are providing freebies to veterans ...

  "No Thanks" 

from this veteran.  

See, I earn my keep, work to support my family, and did my time in the military to protect the rights we supposedly once had.  Four years of my life weren't given away to get a free entree after proving I'd earned it.  No, I had more important things in mind.  Things that most, unless they've served, will never understand.  Things that still make me tear up when I hear the original version of the Star Spangled Banner being played.  Things that make me sad when I see the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington D.C. and its list of names, several of them past friends, who are no longer with us as they fought and gave their lives for a country that no longer exists.

There is pride in those who served.  Pride that doesn't need a handout.  Pride that says, "Public, treat us as you will, we've survived worse."  

It's not a macho thing.  Men and women that serve understand that only happens in the movies.  It's an understanding that we have, a shared experience, a sacrifice.

Veterans Day 2014.  
A day like any other for most veterans.  

Thank God we were able to ensure it 
would be that way for everyone.


Saturday, November 8, 2014

Space Virgins, Anacondas, Murder Incorporated, and Ariana Grande ... And No Damn Extended Version Hobbits!

See All The Great Ten Things Of
Thankful Posts Here
I came very close to posting last week, but, obviously, didn't.  

However, if you came here and read the previous week's post (thinking it was current) I can only hope you enjoyed it.

I had decided to write a post last week, since it was Halloween, from the twisted viewpoint of a stalker.  In my past, I'd written a poem about one, but a full fledged post of Ten Things of Thankful from that view would have given me the space necessary to really get into the guts of the matter.


There were two things that stopped me from completing that post.
  1. Was it really the right thing to do considering the tone of most of the posts in the hop?
  2. By attempting to add humor and sarcasm into the embodiment of the post, I started to question how "sick" I really wanted to sound ... or be!

I know, you don't think I've any self imposed limits from some of the things I present.  (Okay, I'll admit, I cross the line whenever possible for shock factor.)  Still, even I have limits to certain perversions.  (I've never had a relationship with sheep in my life ... regardless of what you believe.)

I found by analyzing I could come up with a Reason #3 for not writing that type of post.  The hypocrisy was right in front of me, and it took days for me to see it.

As you may know, I have a running battle with television "mind doctors" validating the violent acts of individuals.  By finding excuses as to "Why" the act was committed, it is my opinion that they are allowing a person in similar life circumstances to feel as though any act of violence is excusable.  

Example:  A person is bullied in school, rejected by the opposite sex, and picked on by certain teachers.  He see's on television a "mind doctor" stating that the reason the school shooter did what he did was because he was bullied in school, rejected by the opposite sex, and picked on by certain teachers!  Now, the person has a central point from which to base his validation in committing a similar act!  

If I had written a story from a stalker's point of view, I might have provided a central point to a person "on the edge" and ready to explode.  I know, the odds are minimal.  But, as most who write have to ask themselves, "Do I want to be responsible for someone dying simply because I decided to go over the line in topic descriptiveness?  That would put me in the same category as playing a Judas Priest record backwards, wouldn't it?"  

To do that would be hypocritical on my part, which would blow my credibility any time I started ranting.  Say I wrote, "... he grabbed her from behind with his left arm while stuffing a rag in her mouth with his right.  A quick punch to the child's stomach knocked the air and fight out of her, changing her screams to whimpers.  Wouldn't her parents be surprised when they finally got off their heated seat asses in their $50 thousand dollar Lexus and discovered her missing?  I really am thankful that some parents are so watchful!"


What if it happened?
(By the way, if that description happens to fit any crime over the weekend, 
I have an alibi.)

No, I'd never be able to live with myself.  That would mean I'd have to divorce myself, pay alimony that I can't really afford to consider, and only have the cats for two weekends a month.  I'd have to do my own ironing, cooking, and cleaning of the home toilet.  Worst of all, I wouldn't have anyone to ignore with my decades trained selective hearing.  I would be a waste of a man.

Or, I could sell the story to True Detective magazine and make a mint!

Maybe I should reconsider.  

This week I'm thankful for:

"Hey, anyone seen my toothpaste?
1)  Fanged Deer.   For the first time in over 60 years, the Chinese Musk Deer has been seen in Northeastern Afghanistan.  The males really do have fangs that they use in determining who will get the female.

"I'm sorry, this is so hard to believe.  First, Halloween was just last week, so tales like this one could be just that ... a tall tale.  "Sure, let's see just how damn stupid Americans are by putting out a story about a Count Deercula and his herd of furry bloodsuckers.  

Secondly, if there are so few of this deer that they haven't been seen in 60 years, there ain't a whole lot of deer screwing going on.  Seriously, unless the deer miraculously developed a birth control pill in their secret laboratory in the wilderness city, either the male deer are all gay, or the female deer just ain't putting out!  Next thing you know, someone will be breeding rabbits with these things just to get a good population going.  Of course, the deer might all kill themselves trying to jump into holes in the ground, but the damn things were supposed to be extinct anyway ... Right????"

2)  Virgin's Crash.  I can only imagine one or two of you with dirty minds expecting this to be a bit on sex.  Sorry!  No, the commercial company that's trying to commercialize space travel, Virgin Galactic, had their first spacecraft crash last week.  Turns out a "feathering" system that slows down the craft was computer activated too early.  All the "feathers" burned up, and created a boom-boom scenario for the entire vessel.

Let's look at it this way.  Remember your first time?  You got all hot and bothered before you knew it.  Sweating, panting, flailing, screaming ... and then, before anyone was ready, POOF!!!   All gone!   Premature ejaculation!  So, in your infinite wisdom, couldn't the same thing happen to a rocket ship?   I rest my case.  


Got a cigarette handy?
"We'll smile in your face,
all the time we wanna steal your gun,
The Gun Nabbers"

3)  TSA.  In October, TSA found and confiscated 181 firearms in carry on luggage during pre-flight screening at U.S. airports.  Out of those confiscated, 157 were loaded and over fifty had rounds chambered.  In addition, TSA collected a 13 inch cane sword as well.  

People, let's try this one more time.  You Cannot Carry Weapons Onto An Airliner In the United States!  You can carry chewing gum, one plastic cigarette lighter, comb, and other small articles on board, but a .357 Magnum is simply not allowed.  Duhhhhh!

Didn't you people ever see "Goldfinger" or "Airport"?  If you shoot a gun in a plane, the bullets have ample opportunity to pierce the cabin walls and create a suction that will send you outside the plane faster than your grandma could cut a hickory switch and blister your bottom!  All of your 40 inch waist will be sucked down to the 18 inch window size and you'll be spewed out in a liquid stream that pedestrians walking below will swear hundreds pigeons with advanced diarrhea just flew overhead.  

So, if you want to keep your guns safe, fly to your destination without delay, and enjoy the trip as much as you can, make sure you store your guns with the shoe bombs in your check-in luggage.  The TSA will love you for it!


"Betcha can't see me ...
Betcha can't see me!"
4)  Transparent Automobiles.  Japanese researchers are toying with the idea of transparent cars to increase the visibility of drivers.  Those who scratch their crotch and re-align bras in their cars were aghast to hear this.  It suddenly became a matter of privacy to them.  However, since finding out that the transparency would be created by cameras and projectors that sent outside images to screens within the car, giving it the effect of being transparent, the resistance has lessened.  Said one individual, "It's just like picking your nose or masturbating in the car as you drive down the highway.  No one can see you doing it!"  

5)  AC/DC Hire For Murder.  Phil Rudd, who used to be the drummer for the classic rock band AC/DC, was arrested in his home country of New Zealand the other day for attempting to hire an individual to murder two other individuals.  However, he has been released on bond pending his court date.  Details on the planned targets identities are sketchy at this time.  It has been said that members of five boy bands are under police protection at this time, as well as the entire judging cast of Dancing With The Stars and Richard Simmons!

6)  Rubik's Cube.  The Rubik's Cube was just granted the honor of having been entered into the National Toy Hall of Fame.  Having been available in the United States, the Rubik's Cube is the one toy that has annoyed me since inception.  In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten all the sides the right color ... except for one damn cube!  One damn cube!!  I hatted and still hate this damn toy!  One damn color square ... One more damn square!  Makes me want to go out and hire someone to kill the damn inventor of this nightmare!!!   Any suggestions, Phil?

7)  United States Postal System.  Buckling under pressure from independent competitors and the general public, the USPS has announced they will be making mail deliveries on Sundays between now and Christmas in larger cities and high traffic areas.  This will either give you some extra days to receive your holiday packages, or the USPS extra days to lose them.  Still, receiving them in January instead of March will definitely be an improvement!

8)  Ariana Grande.  Thousands of Country Music fans are shaking their heads in disbelief as this Pop Queen somehow maneuvered herself into performing one of her pop songs, "Bang Bang", with Little Big Town backing her up at the CMA's Wednesday evening.  The Country Music Association should be shamed for inviting her, as well as Meghan Trainor and her song "All About That Bass" (performed with a Miranda Lambert backing vocal).  Perhaps next year, the CMA's will invite Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, and Katy Perry as performers, as Country Music finds itself taking the back seat to Pop again.  "YEE-HAWW, yo, yo, yo, baby, baby, baby, peace out!"
"This Is Country Music?
By jove, old chap, you've got to be kidding!"

9)  Snake Bait.  A researcher has volunteered to have himself soaked with pig's blood in a protective suit and then swallowed by a Green Anaconda for the reality show "Eaten Alive."  The suit will have a tether to pull him out, just in case things don't go as planned.


Okay, first of all, regardless of the fake pictures you've seen on the web, there's no way a green anaconda's mouth will go over the shoulders of a grown man.  In addition, is everyone forgetting that the snake is a constrictor and squeezes its prey with such strength that the blood flow is stopped and a stroke takes place, long before it even thinks about eating its prey.  Anyone that has ever owned a constrictor will tell you they even squeeze dead animals (rats and such) just to make sure they're really dead!

Now, the only way around the constriction part would be to secure the head and the tail, stretch them out until the snake is straight, oil up the suit with WD-40, Stand up the platform with its head to the North, open up the snake's mouth wide, and dive headfirst from a twenty feet platform into the snake's mouth, ripping him apart from top to bottom during the fall.


Or, we could just forget about the whole damn thing and get this guy a date!

10) Hobbit Movie Extended Versions.  This week the second of the Hobbit series, The Desolation Of Smaug (Extended Version) hit the stores.  Best Buy overcharged for this one with an advertised sale price of $29.99, while Target offered the metal box version (w/ Blu-Ray & Digital HD copies) for $22.99.  Being a fan of this series, I drove to Target to purchase this supposed "can't do without" version, even though I already owned the original release.  I'll be damned if I can tell the difference between the two.  There's supposed to be 15 minutes of additional footage, but where it's at is a question to me.  So, my New Year's resolution (made early) is to stop buying these rip-off extended versions if I already own the original!  I thank Target for at least making it a little more affordable, as Best Buy proved this time that they are indeed not the best buy.  On a side note, can anyone answer the question, "Why is it taking so damn long and so many movies to cover one book, when the follow-up series "Lord of the Rings" only used one movie per book?"

"P-A-R-T-Y!!!!!
And Then We'll Go Get
Phil's Girlfriend!"
**AC/DC Follow-Up.  Police have decided that they don't have enough evidence to prosecute Phil Rudd, so they've dropped the hitman procuring charges.  However, they think they have enough to prosecute him for threatening to kill and have charged him for that.  Before this is all over, we'll probably find out that Phil had a spat with his girlfriend and told her to go jump off a cliff or something.  All this publicity surrounding AC/DC just happens to come as they're getting ready to release a new album next month.  I understand they've also been invited to play at next year's CMA's, at the take-off of the next Virgin Galactic space craft, and during the man eating anaconda event.  


*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

And that's going to do it for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.


Now ... I think I'll go out stalking for a while.

Got your windows open?



Ciao!




Friday, October 24, 2014

BOO!!! It's Halloween, White House Fence Jumping and Armed McDonald's Security Guards.

Boo!

Yeah, I know ... you're shaking in your shoes.


'Tis the season to scare and be scared.  The season is right for goblins, demons, witches, werewolves, vampires, zombies, mummies, and all other creatures of the supernatural to come forth and rule the world for an evening.  Halloween is soon to be upon us!


As a child, I used to relish the idea of Trick or Treating.  Living in the country, I never get to take advantage of going out and collecting candy.  My father worked nights most of the time and my mother couldn't drive.  This meant I spent most Halloweens glued to the television watching old black and white monster movies.  Finally, when I turned nine years old, I had my first chance to go out and experience what all the other kids had been talking about for years.


Here are some of the things I learned that evening:

  1. People love to give cheap candy.  Name brands are scarce.  Normally, the cheap varieties of taffy and other teeth pulling chewables await.  This is done to assist the parents in getting rid of the kid's baby teeth without going through the formality of tying a string onto a door knob and watching the child squirm and sweat the final moments before the door is slammed shut.  Damn taffy makers all over the world!
  2. Store bought Halloween costumes are meant to barely survive one evening's journey.  I had a Frankenstein outfit to parade around the city blocks.  One slip on a slick curb and the entire inside seam of the right leg burst apart all the way up to the crotch.  So, I'm saying, "Trick or Treat" with one leg of my costume flapping in the wind.  It did make it much easier to go to the bathroom though, I must admit.
  3. People who give candy can demand your name just so they can put a "Who?" type of look on their face when they realize they don't have the slightest clue as to who you are.  It's almost like they don't care if you're a kid or not, they're candy is reserved only for those they know and no others.  I felt like going back a second time to these folks just so they'd recognize me and feel better about forking over the sweets.
  4. Fat kids have candy given to them by the givers and skinny kids get to reach into the bowls themselves.  I was a fat kid, so I was an immediate threat to the candy bowl.  It was though they thought my hands would grow into gigantic sizes and scoop every bit of candy into my bag, leaving nothing for anyone else.  My hands never grew an inch during Trick or Treating, but my disgust for this type of attitude grew with each stop it occurred.  I remember saying to one giver, "Do make sure Gary gets more than me.  I need more fat friends."  To this day, I wonder if they ever figured out what I was talking about.
  5. Teenagers love to chase younger kids with bags of candy.  Again, being a fat kid, my running speed was equal to that of a crawling baby, especially with a flapping costume leg attempting to wrap itself around both ankles.  I barely made it back to my friend's parents car without having to go home empty handed.  This did help me to validate doing the same to younger kids in the future when I became a teenager.  Besides, who wants a bunch of fat little kids roaming around the neighborhood?
I remember arriving home and my parents mandating a search of my stash.  They picked and pulled some of the primo pieces for themselves, which is still a pisser in my memory.  Not only had they refused to take me, now they were taking some of the booty of my efforts.  I announced my displeasure with their actions, and was quickly sent to bed.


Lying there, I let my anger seep out and the fear seep in.  It was the night of the full moon and it was shining brightly in the window beside me.  Something flew by my window (which I just knew was a vampire bat or a witch riding her broom) and I pulled the magical covers up over my head for protection.  (Yeah, I believed that crap just like you did!)

That was the night I gave my life to Satan and became a worshiper of the devil.  Since then, I've hunted Trick or Treaters all over the world and kidnapped them to later bury them alive.  Then, when the parents would cry on television over their missing children, I'd sit back with my demon cat, Gabriela, and get a stomach ache from laughing so hard.  In fact, your children may be my victims this year ... you never know!  



Muhahahahahahha!


I know, that's not very funny.

But, it'll teach your ass for giving out cheap candy to fat kids!

By the way, got an extra Snickers lying around anywhere?
"You really don't think he's joking, do you?"
Oh well, enough with the threats and promise.  It's time to be thankful ... times ten thankful that is.  Lizzi and her wandering band remind us that it's time to appreciate what the world presents us with, instead of wishing for what we don't have.  So, without further ado, let us begin our appreciation.


This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Keene Pumpkin Festival Riots.  Police had to resort to wearing riot gear to break up a riot in which fires were set, cars were overturned, and rocks and bottles were being thrown.  New Hampshire's public liberal arts college students, and other members of the community, were enjoying the evening's festivities when a few started throwing bottles, rocks, skateboards, and, according to one student,  "Anything they could get their hands on to throw."

A few students were saddened greatly as they feared the night's violence would hinder future expectations, hopes and dreams.  Said one student, "If this keeps the Great Pumpkin from coming this year, I'm really going to be pissed!"


2)  McDonald's Security Guards.  A security guard attempted to get four unruly customers to leave the local McDonald's last week.  However, one of the customers decided to instead start a fight with the security guard.  In an effort to protect himself, the guard shot off his weapon.  Fortunately for the fighting customer, it missed him.  Unfortunately for the female in the bunch, the bullet entered her wrist.  Police arrested all four of the customers.  However, if a lady received millions of dollars for spilling hot coffee in her lap years ago, you can imagine what this one will receive.  If I were the CEO of McDonalds, this is how I'd pay future judgements:


"I'm Next!
White House, here I come!"
3) White House Fence Jumping.  Another idiot has decided to check out his athletic ability and jumped / climbed over the fence surrounding the White House.  A 23 year old Maryland male, Dominic Adesanya, whose life long wish was to make an ass out of himself by participating in D.C.'s latest craze, landed inside the fence and was immediately stopped by White House security with dogs.  Dominic obviously decided to protect his family jewels from the dogs teeth and kicked at them, which netted him assault charges.  (Please, should I get a wild hair and jump over the White House fence, remind me never to kick at the attacking dogs since they're now considered human being by the judicial system.  I always wanted to sing tenor anyway!)

4)  Dancing Helps Teach Math.  A dance instructor is now using her trade to help teach math skills to students.  It seems since the "No Child Gets Ahead" system went into place, children are missing the standard skills necessary to succeed in life.  So, the "1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4", and the occasional "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8" are at least teaching the order of the numbers most children have only heard about.  (God, this is so damn sad ... but true!  No wonder no one can make change these days without a computer telling them how much to give back!)

5)  Britney Spears.  Remember all the troubles this lady went through?  Well, seems Las Vegas is her kind of place.  Originally, Britney signed up for a payday of $30 million dollars for a two year contract there.  However, since she's been so successful, she's been given a raise now totaling $1 million dollars a week.  (Let's see, if I marry a POS scumbag, divorce them, forget to wear underwear and spread my legs getting out of my SUV, and make a fool out of myself daily, perhaps I could earn that kind of money!  Damn, already tried that.  Doesn't happen.)

6)  North Korea.  What's the country that has demonstrated the worst paranoia concerning the Ebola virus?  No, it's not the United States ... it's Korea!  In fact, for fear of the epidemic touching its populace, Korea has announced that NO foreign tourists will be allowed inside of its borders.  There is no word as to how long the fear factor will be in order, nor if even political diplomats will be included.  (This ruins my chances of visiting their fantastic prison system and spending my vacation there.  OMG, I'm so damn disappointed.  Oh well, there's always Central Africa!)
"So, with no one coming in, what do you think
our chances are of being able to get drunk
and get a couple of tickets to New York City?
We'll be back before the ever miss us!"
7)  New York City.  In a related story, New York City now has joined the popularity ranks of the Ebola craze and has its first case on file.  Dr. Craig Spencer tested positive for the virus on Thursday, and will soon have his own fan club of New Yorkers that were afraid they'd be left out of the news craze concerning the epidemic.  Hoping to spread the wealth after treating patients for the virus in Africa, Dr. Spencer's activities included riding the famed New York City subway system and bowling.  (Isn't it nice to know that a New Yorker can be known for his generosity in demonstrating "it's so much better to give than receive?")
"Ebola, Ebola ... who else has got the Ebola???"
8)  Honey Boo Boo Cancellation.  The Learning Channel has temporarily cancelled further episodes of the "...Honey Boo Boo" series due to a love relationship between Honey Boo Boo's mother and a convicted sex offender.  As it's known that "Mama June" is not married, her choice in future mates is in real question.  This has caused TLC to reconsider filming future episodes, especially since the child that was attacked by the past offender was an 8 year old relative of Mama June.  (Can't you just hear Mama June saying, "Well, iffen he was good enough fer her, he's good enuff fer Honey Boo Boo!  Go git cher swim suit on, Honey Boo Boo.  It's time fer pictures!")

9)  Sen. Mitch McConnell.  The long time Senator from Kentucky is building a reputation for himself in his home state by running one of the dirtiest smear campaigns in state history.  A campaign is so negative it is beginning to turn his support voters to the opponent.  Well known for this type of tactic working for him in past campaigns, the senator has authorized numerous ads depicting Alison Grimes as a pawn of President Obama, a traitor to her fellow Kentuckians, and the biggest liar in political history.  This campaign has become ridiculous, with 9 out of 10 ads smearing Grimes instead of telling what Mitch could or would accomplish, that even fellow Republicans are sick of seeing them on television.  (Yes, Mitch, I said, "Turning your supporters away!  You're proving that you've something to hide with your Senate residency.  We're sick of hearing this crap on television.  Just admit that you are both political scum, accept it, collect all the special interest money that's made you a millionaire many times over, and shut the hell up!")
"Space ... my new
frontier.  These are the
voyages of the Mars crew
O'Donnell's damsels.  Their
mission, to boldly go where
no man has ever gone
before ... nightly!"

10)  Female Mars Crew.  Studies have found that women expend half the  calories of men in space missions.  Thus, half the food would be necessary.  Half the food would mean half the weight.  NASA is considering an all women crew on a future mission to Mars because of this.  (Already, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Anderson Cooper have volunteered.  "Enjoy the trip!")  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


And that's going to do it for this edition of 
"Ten Things Of Thankful."  

Remember, this Halloween, 
when the kids come in from Trick or Treating
 and are all smiles and giggles,

KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF 
OF THEIR CANDY!



CIAO!

P.S.  As I wrote this on Thursday evening, a couple of events took place that need further review.  I apologize for the added length, but here are those items.


11)  Man Attacks Police In New York City.  Four rookie policemen were the target of a man and his hatchet.  As the police officers walked down the street, a man crouched down, pulled a hatchet from his backpack, and charged at the group.  Injuries were sustained by one of the officers before the attacker (a recent convert to Islam) was shot and killed.  (I'm sure the officers heard the attacker scream, "Damn you, the United States, and the Great Pumpkin!")

12)  Night Owling Is Good For You.  According to studies at several European universities, being a night owl is a good thing.  These studies show that Night Owls are: 1) More Creative, 2) Have a Higher I.Q., 3) Benefit from Night Strength, 4) Score Higher on General Intelligence Exams, and 5) Can Remain Mentally Alert for More Hours Than Early Birds.  (Being a Night Owl, I wholeheartedly concur.  Please excuse me, though.  It is now time for my nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)


CIAO!!

(Okay, this time I'm gone for sure!)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ebola Returns, Beer Girls Reign Supreme, and other weird El Toro Defecation

See All The Great Blogs In The Hop HERE!!!
If you were one of the lucky ones that read my last post, you got to peruse my ramblings concerning Ebola.

If you are one of the unlucky ones today, you'll soon be reading a little more.

Seems that we have now had over 4,000 people in the world die of Ebola.  A special envoy to the United Nations, David NaBarro, has not only stated that the number of Ebola cases are doubling every 3-4 weeks, but has more than hinted at dire consequences for the world's population unless countries work together to end this virus immediately.  

Seriously, this one seems like it could be the one to finally thin out the world's population and get it back to a manageable level.  And, if we're lucky, the stupid will be the one's to go.

Now, please, don't tell me you never wished that you never had to stand behind a person in the grocery or department store line that couldn't understand their credit card was maxed out and still wanted to run it over and over and over, like it was going to magically change in the next two or three minutes.  Duhhhhhhh!


Iffin' ya don't have enyone comin'
ya don't need enyone ta wait on 'em!
Enyone hear Ol' Sam stirrin' in his grave?
Of course, Wal-Mart will go out of business without stupid people to shop there.  However, since many of the employees also fall into the "stupid" category for working for slave wages, it won't create that much of an employment problem.  McDonald's will be another casualty for the same reason.  If you can't figure out the reason I've just discussed, you may join them soon!


Guess you'll never get that $15 an hour job now, 
will you?

Since crowds will be extremely susceptible to transmitting the Ebola virus, St. Louis protests will soon end as there won't be anyone left for the police to shoot!  The trinity of the "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed" crowd (Sharpton, Jackson, and Don King), their voices droning like foghorns in the night, will also pass into an afterlife of inflated egos and human waste.


Lottery ticket sales will flourish at funeral homes with those wanting 
to guess who will be next!  

"Come and see those that die, before you or me say a final bye bye!
Only $5 a chance!"

Most importantly, governments will falter as political seats find themselves without bodies to fill them.  A two thirds majority will become impossible after the first filibuster by an infected party official.  Oh, the hierarchy of each nation will remain intact for a while, but even they will succumb when baby kissing becomes a dangerous act of criminal intent.

Without the huge population demands, the Earth will once again begin to heal.  Forests will replenish themselves and the air will clear.  Global Warming will become a dreaded nightmare of the past.

 People, learning that there is danger in numbers, will seek out their own territory and become self sufficient, providing crops to nourish their families.  It will be a time of returning to the basics.  Peace will be found in the solitude of no Rap Music, as well as in the necessary efforts for self survival.  

And, what of the Ebola?  Oh, it will still be lurking in the shadows, reminding those who remain of the terrible dangers society can bring forth.  As it was created to destroy, it awaits a time to reappear and do its dirty work ... when the need arises.  

Or, will it?

But, enough on Ebola!  It's time to be thankful ... ten times thankful ... or thankful times ten, if you will.  Time to cast away doubts and fears and worries of Ebola and the death that awaits us all.


Muhahahahahahahaha!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  Nielson Ratings.  For the last seven months, a technical error has caused the Nielson Ratings to "misattribute" ratings points.  Of course, the folks at Nielson don't really look at this as a major problem.  However, the programs sponsors are totally pissed off that the money they paid to advertise may not have been properly spent for the audiences the shows were supposedly getting.  Networks are also somewhat upset that several new shows that have already been cancelled might not have deserved the cancellations.  

Up for next season is the Nielson Wheel Of Fortune!  Contestants will spin the wheel for the ratings points that each new show will receive, regardless of the quality of the programming.  An anonymous Nielson spokesperson stated, "Hell, we've done that for years on cable.  How else would you explain the audience shares of "Honey Boo Boo" and the Kardashian clan?"  

2)  Landon Donovan.  After more than a decade playing for the United States World Cup Soccer Team, Landon was cut from this year's squad.  Needless to say, he's pissed about it. 

Not knowing anything about soccer, I can say, "I feel his pain", but really don't give a damn about it.  The only thing worse than running back and forth, kicking a white ball for two hours is spending thousands of dollars on an electric cart, specialized clubs, and designer outfits to sweat off one's ass in the sun for four hours hitting a damn white ball with metal clubs.


But, then again, there are beer girls on golf courses!

The hell with fore ... I'd be happy with two!

3)  Kim Jong Un.   North Korean President, Kim John Un, has come out of his seclusion, where he has been since September 3rd.  Upon entering the sunlight, the president saw his shadow, so another six weeks of Winter is anticipated ... in advance.

4)  James Holmes.  This is the Colorado movie shooter that shot and killed 12 individuals, and wounded dozens more during the opening of a "Batman" movie.  No, James still hasn't gone to trial.  He's now taking a second group of tests to determine if he's insane or not.  Some say to kill people you must be crazy.  So, using that philosophy, anyone that murders is insane and should not be given the death penalty.  And, we as a society, would have to be crazy to put him to death for his acts.  At least, that's a common viewpoint these days.

Now, not being one of the politically correct and believing that a person is responsible for their actions, especially those as well thought out as our Mr. Holmes', I say, "Die you bastard, die!"   Of course, if many politically correct individuals have his way, James will be paroled in time for the next Batman movie release.  

Can you say, "Deja Vu", boys and girls?  "Bang, Bang!"

5)  Sharknado.  A real sharknado seemed to take place on the North Carolina coast this week, as over one hundred sharks went into a bluefish feeding frenzy.  Although still in the ocean waves, many seemed to beach themselves chasing the sushi delicacies.  
As you can see, stupid people did go wading with the sharks.  Let's see, feeding frenzy animal known to bite at anything, wading where one cannot move as quickly as normal, and not just one but over 100 of the jaws gnashing about ... sure, that's where I want to go wading!  And that, boys and girls, made the sharks very, very happy.  


On tap for next week, 
"North Carolina resident attempts to sue shark for accidental bite!"
by C.U. Incourt
or
"Hopping on the beach" by Amp U Tee

6)  Joan Rivers.  "Can we talk?"  Finally, the cause of death to the star has been announced.  They've now figured out that a lack of oxygen to the brain.  One scientist is debating this claim stating, "No oxygen to the brain ever stopped Jay Leno!"

7)  Halloween.  Only a couple of weeks away, the night of spooks, goblins and all types of monsters arrives (unless you live in Washington, D.C. where it's a daily way of life).  Unfortunately, I no longer get scared.  People have jumped out at me and screamed at me for years without any result.  I've wasted time in supposed haunted houses while ghost hunting, where the scariest part was wondering what was out in the woods when I stepped outside to have a cigarette or take a leak.  I think 34 years of being married to the same woman and seeing her without make-up too many times to count has something to do with my numbness.  Still, it's a nice night to go to the movies until all the kids are done with their trick or treating, especially since both activities cost the same these days.  And, one never has to be accused of child abuse while sneaking up behind them with an axe and a hockey mask.  
What?  Me use cocaine?
Why, I've never smoked it in my life!

8)  Hunter Biden.  The son of the Vice President of the United States has been discharged from the U.S. Navy for testing positive for cocaine.  Unlike other military personnel that test positive for illegal drugs, Hunter received an honorable discharge.  Some are calling this "favoritism" and "playing politics", while others are extremely upset.  White House officials are saying that both the President's and Vice President's eyes are extremely red over the matter.  Tears are the suspect, as sniffing behind closed doors seem to have been the norm for several days.  In other news, the Presidential duo just completed a 5 mile run in 2 minutes, setting the fastest time for any president/ vice president team.

9)  Fall Weather.  No longer does one have to sweat and stink like a pig in heat.  Fall weather is upon us, which means jackets and a briskness that revives one's inner instincts to stay in bed longer in the morning.  (And, don't tell me you've never waited until your spouse went to the bathroom first so you didn't have to be the one to warm up the cold as ice toilet seat!)   

10)  Michael Jackson.  Forbes just released their list of top earning dead performers and guess who came in at the top of the list?  Yep, Michael Jackson.  Even dead, the superstar brought in over $140 million last year.  Elvis came in second with $55 million.  Fleetwood Mac was also high on the list until someone finally discovered they weren't actually dead yet ... just suffering from charging too much for ticket prices!

And, that's gonna do it for another week.  See you soon!


Ciao!