Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Get To My Guest Post Here!!!

Hey folks, looking for the humor you've grown
 to know out of me?

Then get your butts over to MenopausalMom.com 
blog today!!!

Yeah, I'm guest posting over there, and a little help with the comments would be nice.  So, don't be bashful.  Show Marcia that you care (and me, too!!!)

Here's the link to help you out:


I'll love you forever for doing it!!!!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence Day ... The Star Spangled Banner ... Who's really thankful?


Four score and twenty years ago ... oops, wrong holiday!


I'm writing this on the Fourth of July.  It's supposed to be a national holiday, but most of the common people end up working.  It's kind of like Veteran's Day ... the only people that get off of work are the ones that never served in the military.

Strange that those that have done the least for their country tend to reap the most benefits, isn't it?

The majority of the members of our Senate and House of Representatives, not to mention the top office of the land, never served in the military either.  They have no idea as to the trials and tribulations that the common military person endures.  Their only trials and tribulations tend to be not getting caught lying to the press as they try to cover up what they do by creating diversion and mass confusion.  Of course, that's the way they've been taught by big business.

They've learned their lessons well.

One of the major reasons that the original colonists went to war was the phrase "Taxation Without Representation."  Funny, I'm beginning to wonder if the same thing isn't occurring in our country today.  

Oh, there are many that still believe in the political system.  And, there are still children that believe in Santa Claus.  Unfortunately, our system has been tainted by big money, just as Santa Claus has been tainted by Walmart.  

Some just refuse to see the truth as it is.

The administration of President Taft was held accountable for graft.  Graft was contributions by individuals or corporations that were given to politicians to sway their opinions and votes.  Graft is too harsh a word for today's society, so the politicians did something about it.  They changed the name to Special Interest Contributions and made them legal.

See, they know that if you don't like the law you can change the law ... if you have enough money, that is!

The United States is celebrating its independence from England's rule.  Now, we all know that the English had a vast empire to milk for money.  Can't blame them for that.  It it hadn't have been them, some other country would've only taken their place.

But, like our government in the states today, they'd grown too greedy.  They took way too much and gave back way too little.  When the people spoke, they ignored the words being said.  But, they were always present to collect the taxes they'd imposed.  Sometimes, they even wanted more than their rightful due ... similar to our I.R.S. and the scandals now being discovered.

There were the rich, who catered to the foreign rule, and the poor, who didn't.  There were those that used their influence to get what they wanted, and those that had to work hard and endless hours just to survive.  And, there were those cheated the common man, and those that were continuously cheated.  


Damn, some things never change, do they?

For my Ten Things of Thankful, today, I'm going to take a look at our National Anthem and do a little analyzing.  Let's see how thankful we can be.


The Star Spangled Banner


Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,

O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?



On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,

Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,

What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!



And where is that band who so vauntingly swore

That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,

A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!



Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand

Between their loved home and the war's desolation!

Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!


1)  Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light ...  I guess we can all be thankful for being able to see the world around us each and every day.  It's said that being blind brings about a new form of sight, but I'm not one to try it out.  In fact, it's about time for another eye examination, again. (Time to make the eye doctor a rich man for the umpteenth time!)  Sometimes, though, I wonder if the politicians can see beyond the color of the green held in front of their face.  Can they not see that America is suffering?  Can they not see that the lifestyle of the common man is not all it's bragged up to be?  Or, is it that they simply don't care as long as they're happy, wealthy, and ... well, two out of three ain't bad I guess.

2)  Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight ... This can be the actual sight of our flag still standing if taken literally.  However, could we also be thankful that this could also be hinting at insight?  Insight of the common man to see beyond the bull that is constantly thrown out by Washington D.C. to confuse issues, incite emotions, and hide the real things that are being done?  We have to be thankful for the common sense God gave us to see through the El Toro defecation and demand change!  Yet, it seems as though many are simply turning their heads in complete disbelief.  It's time they set their sights on seeing again!

3)  And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air ... No one in their right mind wants war.  Still, no one in their right mind wants the country to be taken over by mad men.  Again, we must not only look at the literal translation.  Let us be thankful for the warning that powerful weapons, may they be rockets and bombs or words and propaganda be used to conquer us.  The Politically Correct Society of today is using the words and propaganda avenue to eliminate individualism and create a society of sensitive worms.  No one is accountable, no one is to blame, as excuses run rampant.  Let us be thankful that there are still a few of us that refuse to listen to the masses and be led like cattle to the slaughter.

4)  Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? ... We can be thankful that the flag does still wave, but the land of the free is somewhat in question.  The Patriot Act, though now defunct, at least in title, imposed many violations to our constitution.  Excuses were given over and over as to why, but none were ever held accountable.  Why?  Because those in charge know how to use "fear" to control the populace.  Every time questions started to come to the forefront, we were suddenly thrust into some color of a code that we really didn't understand, but were obliged to fear.  911 was too close to feel any comfort.  So, we lost freedoms, some of which have never been recovered, and instead of brave, we were cowering at colors.  

5)  Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam ... We can be thankful that it is still not over, kaput, done.  We do have a chance to make things better.  The sad thing is that it will not take place with our current political picture.  I'm not talking Obama ... but the whole political structure.  Both parties have political agendas that only allow for the same type of person to get elected over and over again.  If the person isn't rich, they can't afford to run.  If they are rich, they're bound to be in business or law.  If they're in business or law, they know how the structure operates, and who needs to be remembered with political favors.  Thus, when they get to office, everyone knows what to expect!  Oh, there will be times when the parties switch white hats for black and vice versa, but it's all in the plan of things.  The naive public has faith, but the politicians have the plan.  It's a plan that needs to end.

6)  No refuge could save the hireling or slave ... As we continue to divide the rich and the poor and widen the division line, one wonders where it will end.  We can be thankful that we haven't reached the point of no return, but how much further can some folks go?  The minimum wage worker with a family of three cannot afford $300 or more a month for health insurance.  Yet, if he doesn't get it, he can go to jail.  Homeless and unable to feed the family, or jail with a family on government assistance ... what a decision to have to make!  Of course, big business moved his old job to China since the politicians allowed the import taxes to minimize or cease.  Guess they're still working though, aren't they?

7)  Between their loved home and war's desolation ...  Most of us can be thankful that we still have a roof over our heads.  To many, it feels as though they're fighting a war each day just to stay in their current situation, with little to no hope of ever getting ahead.  Illegal immigrants are made legal without going through the legalities that held this country together for over a century.  Long time, good paying jobs continue to desert the shores of the country they then return to jam their products down the throats of the people they cast aside.  Sure, unemployment is down.  My only question is, "How much lower is the standard of living on a minimum wage job than on the previous one that was lost?"

8)  Blest with victory and peace ... We can be thankful that war doesn't reign supreme within the borders of our land.  Or, does it?  There is an unspoken war about to start between the ignorance that has created the PC Society and Common Sense.  A war that says, "Learn how to tolerate instead of expect everything your own way!"  A war that says, "Stop making the government stronger and stronger and learn how to live like a human being, instead of a bastard prima donna!"  We have little peace.  The racial card is still being brought up time and time again when hoodlums are of a minority.  Parents that have failed in instilling the standards of right and wrong in their children are wondering what went wrong when the kids pick up a gun and shoot up a California boulevard.  Mind doctors have validated wrong doing after wrong doing with excuses that allow the "on-the-liners" to feel as though they too have a reason to kill others without mercy.  But, instead of accepting personal accountability, they blame inanimate objects that cannot do a thing without human stimulus.  A war ... damn right it is!

9)  Then conquer we must when our cause it is just ... Let us be thankful that our forefathers recognized there would be powerful and greedy men in our world that would rely on any means, be it just or unjust, to acquire more and more.  In the United States, these men used the phrase "Manifest Destiny" to spread across the land and steal land wherever they saw fit.  Unfortunately, they set the tone, as well as the mold, to be called "Honest Businessmen."  These men worked their way into the pockets of our political structure and filled them with green.  They're still doing it today!

10)  And this be our motto "In God is our Trust" ... Let us again be thankful that God was originally looked upon as a guiding light, a framework to live our lives by.  A lifestyle of honesty, effort, and peacefulness.  Today, we have forgotten God, made God illegal to be in our government or schools, and cast God away.  Of course, the moral obligations went away along with God.  This, at least, is not as hypocritical as those that used God's name as an excuse to conquer and pillage other countries for centuries.  Still, perhaps a little God might just help out at times.


Today is our day of independence.  Our day of celebration.  
Our day of feeling national pride.  

Tomorrow, it's back to reality.


Ciao!



***I realize this wasn't my standard sarcastic fare.  I'll return to that in a week or so.  
Still, some things just have to be said.

     Join the rest of the true Ten Things of Thankful post here!





Thursday, July 3, 2014

Cell Phones, Stoplights & Assholes

dog.jpg
How many times have you found yourself stuck at a light in traffic?

Yeah, like you’re going to keep an accurate count of crap like that!
In today’s world, cell phones help us keep in touch.  But, they also hold us up.  Why?  Because not only to the competent have cell phones, but so do assholes!


In a world long passed, the only thing that could hold you up would be someone falling to sleep at the wheel.  (Well, either that or if they died.)  However, in today’s society, cell phones in the hands of assholes seem to be the major culprit in holding up traffic as the assholes are oblivious to the world around them.  How?  Here are just a few of the ways:
  1. Assholes using their cell phones to check emails and text other assholes.
  2. Assholes using their cell phones to check last night’s sports scores.
  3. Assholes using their cell phones to call the asshole they just left at home.
  4. Assholes using their cell phones to see who’s doing what on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other social network that assists them in becoming unsocial in real life.
  5. Assholes using their cell phones to find the latest music downloads so they’ll have something to listen to in 30 seconds when the light changes back to red.
  6. Assholes using their cell phones to beat some sense into the kids in the back seat that keep crying about wanting their own cellphones.
  7. Assholes using their cell phones to check the weather forecast in Panama so they’ll have something to talk about to the other assholes at work.
  8. Assholes using their cell phones to watch last night’s hit series episode so they don’t sound like the losers that talk about the weather in Panama at work.
  9.  Assholes using their cell phones to where the traffic accident delays are, usually caused by other assholes using their cell phones while driving.

… and so much more!
Still, these times provide you with ample opportunity to be creative!  No reason to bitch about those assholes anymore!  Instead, sit back and use these ideas to keep you productive and free of boredom.
1) Play “I shoot an Asshole” game!  It’s so easy to do, and you don’t even have to be a military veteran to share in the fun!  Look through the windows of the cars surrounding you and see who has their cell phones out.  Now, use your steering wheel to aim and start shooting by pressing you horn!   And, if you live in a college town or heavy drug pushing community, you’ll see your score skyrocket when you count all the phones in the hands of the pedestrian assholes!  Share your kill totals online with friends, have daily competitions, and even award the winner with a free cup of Starbucks flavor of the day coffee for assholes!
breasts_erotic_sexy.jpg
It's Fantasy Time!  Masturbate Away ...
Just Don't Get Caught!

2)  Masturbate.  This works especially if you drive a pick-up truck or a larger SUV that sits up higher than most of the other vehicles.  Spend the time waiting in full thrust enjoyment while others sit behind you and wonder what the hell you’re doing.  And, just to throw them off, every once in a while use your other hand to drum the top of the steering wheel so they believe you’re simply pretending to be the greatest air drummer in the world!


3)  Check out the volume of your stereo with an aria from Madame Butterfly.  Most cars have decent stereos these days.  So, instead of having yourself shaken to death by the asshole next to you that thinks a $10,000 superior bass system is necessary to rattle his $2000 car, put in an opera cd and crank it up to the max.  This should make them think twice about blasting away.  And, if you find one that wants to compete, don’t worry.  Their bass system is guaranteed to shake loose every screw in his cheap car within seconds, leaving him stranded at the light when it finally does change.  (*Note: If you are using music to cover up masturbation, do not use aria’s.  With the extremely slow music cadence, you’re liable to find yourself never reaching climax.)

4)  Clean your windows.  Instead of letting the homeless assholes spit on your windshield and wipe it with their dirty coat sleeves, keep a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex in your floorboard.  Then, when you come up on a red light, jump out of the car and quickly clean the bugs away!  And, if the homeless still come up to you, it’s easy to keep them away by aiming the bottle of Windex at them.  Lord knows it’s the one alcohol container they’ll have nothing to do with.
sleeping_drifter.jpg
Sleep on, Sucker!  I'll Clean My Own Windows!

5)  Clean your pistols.  Most carjackers will be somewhat deterred if you are sitting in the seat cleaning guns.  There’s something about seeing a person taking proper care of their weaponry that makes thieves step back, look at their switchblades, and quickly seek out another victim.

6)  Fake out the out-of-towners.  Tired of being held down in speed because of gawking tourists that have never seen a building over three stories high?  Use the stoplight to your advantage!  Teach your kids to stare at them until they look back, and then have them motion to the rear of the tourists car like something is really wrong.  If they initially get no reaction, have them start pointing and going into panic mode.  This will usually get them to pull over to check out the supposed problem, allowing you to pass them and then slowing down in front of them to give them a taste of their own medicine!

7)  Use your sunroof as a stage opening.  Nothing like keeping the folks behind you entertained with a couple of action figures performing atop a roof.  Toy Transformers work well here as you can easily change characters light after light.  Have battles, create story lines … even have Transformer sex acts take place!  Use your imagination and have loads of fun!

The Latest In Scare The Shit
Out Of Nosy Drivers!!!
8)  Put on a Halloween mask and a ski cap.  When you’ve got gawkers staring at you, reach under your seat and pull out your old Halloween mask and ski cap.  Put it on slowly and carefully while looking at yourself in your rear view mirror.  Then, pull out your pistol and check the chamber.  Finally, turn slowly towards the gawkers.  Hopefully, they’re not undercover police looking for stoplight masturbaters!

9)  Raise and lower your electric windows … over and over.   Wanting to freak out the people next to you at the light?  Simply raise and lower your windows over and over and over.  When you combine this with #4 above, it makes for a really interesting result, as well as only exposing you to half the profanity screamed by the occupants of the other car.  Besides, everyone needs their exercise, right?

10)  Put your car in reverse and leave it there.  Want to scare the sh*t out of the people behind you?  Slip the car into reverse, so that the back up lights come on, and leave it there until the light changes.  Keeping your foot on the brake and slightly revving the engine helps to intensify the situation.  In fact, you can magnify this by acting like you’re about to drag race the person next to you!  All the while, the person behind you is wishing they’d held off on taking a laxative the night before!  

Yes, you can enjoy your stoplight time instead of being ridiculously bored. 
 Use your imagination … and don’t forget the Kleenex’s!

MP900448531.JPG

DAMN!  I GUESS THERE
IS A NUMBER ELEVEN TO DO
AFTER ALL!  
SCREW MASTURBATION!!!


Saturday, June 14, 2014

Things Your Parents Told You ... The Damn Liars!

I’m feeling somewhat guilty about posting recently.

Like, that ever bothered me before.

Since deciding to take a vacation from writing, I’ve encountered physical stress of sorts.

My clumsy ass fell (thanks to an unexpected pavement drop off), tore up my ankle ligaments, ripped the membrane between my tibia and fibula, and broke my fibula.

No, regardless of popular opinion, it did not happen as I was kicking my wife’s ass.  I’m the gentle type.

Actually, today is our 34th wedding anniversary. 

Now you know the real reason I chose to write this tonight.  No, romantic evenings of candlelight, wine, and hot passionate lovemaking are no longer on my agenda.  

Unless, of course, my neighbors happen to leave their curtains open wide enough.

I, also, reached a milestone this week.  Many years ago, I felt as though I would never make it to the age of forty.  My lifestyle, being an adrenaline rush addict, pretty much dictated I wouldn’t be around long enough to see how all my life’s injuries would feel in later years.  Unfortunately, broken bones, tissue damage from venomous reptile bites, and joint stress from continuously overdoing it in various activities now come back and mock my longevity.

Yeah, I hit sixty this week.  What a bummer!

Yeah, won't be long now!
Oh, I’ve had people say things like, “You don’t look like you’re even close to sixty”, “It’s so much better than the alternative of not reaching sixty”, and “Aren’t you happy you’re getting closer to retirement?”

Sometimes people say what they think is so original … and it’s been heard so many times before.  (Shhh … don’t tell them.  It would only hurt their feelings.)

And I really should be thankful for over 70 Internet friends that wished me a Happy Birthday ... driving the knife deeper into the wound.

In fact, I’ve done a lot of reflecting over my past years this week.  Thusly, this week’s Ten Things Of Thankful is going to be about some things that my parents told me as I was growing up … that make no sense to me whatsoever at this time.

So, without further ado, let us proceed by saying …

I’m Thankful For …

1)  No child ever starved to death in China because I didn’t eat everything on my plate.  I can’t prove this, but I feel as though as many lawyers are there are in the world, I would have been summoned by now if this had indeed occurred. 

2)  That I never had an interviewer look at me and say, “In going back to your Permanent Record, I see that you were late getting to school three times in the second grade and four times in the third.  You realize this means you can’t have the job, don’t you?”

Never grew these or any other
vegetables out of my ears!
Did you?
3)  I never had vegetables grow out of my ears because I didn’t properly wash.  There was always a fear of that happening during a basketball game.  I dreaded the possibility of going up for a jump shot and having a cucumber fall out of the side of my head.

4)  I never became a Satin worshipper by playing a record backwards, or by even listening to that demonized rock and roll music.  I did become a heavy fan of Black Sabbath, and later Iron Maiden, but for some reason, I never sacrificed any animal or human during religious ceremonies.  I wonder if I missed out on something there … no, not really.

5)  Smoking never stunted my growth.  I stopped growing any taller before I started smoking.  However, since smoking has become a long time habit, my waist size has grown … well, let’s just say it has grown and leave it at that.  Of course, dependent upon what was being smoked was also a factor here, but, again, let’s just let that be … unless you know where I can find some.  (I lost my source years ago!)

6)  I never did jump in a lake just because one of my friends did.  I jumped off of a river bridge a few times without knowing the depth of the water, and luckily, never found myself in wading depth.  Stupid, but what the hell, we all did stupid things at one time.  Funny thing is, politicians seem to have never grown up and stopped doing them.

Whatdayamean I can't park the
van in the driveway?  Geeesh!
7)  My parents never died of shame because of some of the outfits I wore.  My mother died long before I started experimenting with tie-dyed t-shirts, bell bottoms, sandals, and peace sign medallions, and my father is still alive.  At least I never purchased a leisure suit!

8)  Not everyone feels as though you’re sinning by using profanity.  In fact, when I was performing stand-up comedy, I found that if you didn’t use some profanity, the audiences almost felt cheated.  This happened mostly in the Bible Belt.  It was like these people pretended to be holier than thou Monday through Friday at work, but on Friday and Saturday nights, they’d hit the comedy clubs and laugh their butts off at the smut.  I guess it gave them something to go to church on Sunday mornings and repent for.  So, I’d always test the audiences by starting off clean, and then tossing in a word every now and then to gauge the reactions.  Yep, some people love profanity … it’s a proven fact.  

9)  No, I never did cause anyone to lose their eyesight by flipping paperclips, spitballs, or throwing rocks.  I did shoot out a basement window with a BB Gun once, but I blamed it on a neighbor kid down the road and got away with it.  (Like you never told a lie as a kid!)

10)  Lastly, my face never froze up while making a funny face at someone.  I did get caught making one at a teacher one day (of which they returned a funny face of their own), but my face still has the ability to shift between frowning and smiling, without any frozen parts causing hindrance. 

Now, the jury is still out on masturbation.  True, I did have to start wearing glasses at an early age, but I knew many kids that were like me in that area.  I wonder if they were … hmmmmmm.   Let’s give that one a few more years to decide upon.

Anyway, I know this has been a little different Ten Things Of Thankful for me, but I’ve been ignoring the news as of late.  Seems like no one is learning from their mistakes and history is doing nothing more than repeating itself over and over again.  Maybe next week I'll get back to my standard sarcastic ass fare … we’ll just have to see.


Ciao!


****All photos compliments of
http://all-free-download.com/

Friday, May 9, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: God, Tell Me This Stuff Isn't Happening !!!

If you're expecting me to say something witty,
forget it.  I'm on vacation!
So, I'm supposed to be taking a hiatus from writing.  You know, doing nothing but lion around the house.


Yeah, I know, bad pun.  But, how the hell else was I going to explain the lion picture?

Yep, just get away from it all, clear the mind, revive the creativity.


Something tells me it's like giving up smoking, every now and then, you've gotta cheat.


There's just so much going on in the world that needs to be talked about.  My brainwaves are salivating.


So, let's start the 
Ten Things Of Thankful 
off without further ado!

*     *     *     *     *     *
I'm thankful for:

1)  Our wonderful short attention span.  Most of it isn't being mentioned as other articles of interest find the spotlight  (God, how would we ever have survived if we hadn't read all the negative comments about Abby Lee Miller's judging on Dancing With The Stars?)

Have you noticed how the information about the missing airliner has stopped.  Nice to know we can just forget about hundreds of people in the blink of an eye.  

I guess the Korean ferry mishap kind of replaced the airliner news.  Now, there is something we can see.  A ferry, on its side, and hundreds of kids floating around inside, dead and bloated by now, grabs our morbid side a little stronger than having to use our imagination to envision dead, bloated people floating around, inside of an airliner on the ocean's floor.


I'm wondering where the shark stories are at?  
All those dead bodies and no sharks?  
No Way!

*     *    *     *     *     *     *
2) The Boston Marathon Bomber suspect is recanting everything he said to federal agents while in the hospital.  
You likie going Boom Boom?
Okay, your turn to goey Boom Boom!

"Nope, I didn't say that ... you can't use it if I did ... no Miranda Rights given!"

But, then again, you're not a citizen of the United States. You might just disappear in a holding cell somewhere never to be seen or heard from again!

Muhahahahahahah!!!!

I'd like to see him set free.  I'd provide him with a new job as a pressure cooker explosives dummy.  

"Sit in the chair and check out the force of the nails, bolts and marbles as they travel at breakneck speed right towards your head!!   If you're still around afterwards, you can write a three page report on how it felt before we do it all over again ... and again ... and again!"

The funny thing is that the idiot who hoaxed the Boston Police Department last month at the marathon by placing an empty rice cooker at the finish line has been found competent to stand trial, must wear a tracking device, and has almost as many charges against him as the actual bomber.  


What do you want to bet that the lawyers get the bomber off
 and the hoaxer gets life imprisonment?

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     
3)  A couple that killed a pedophile, and had plans to kill another one the next day, were given life sentences.  Prior to the murder, they'd attended their typical Sunday church service.  For Wednesday night prayer meetings, castration classes are conducted.  They're called, "How to deal with an adult circumcision gone wrong", or "How to sharpen your knife on a stuck kidney stone."
*     *     *     *     *     *     *
4) A New Hampshire man was arrested for disorderly conduct because he went over the two minutes his local school board allowed him to speak.  He'd been protesting a mandatory reading assignment his high school freshman daughter had been given, which he felt read like a porno.  The book assigned is Jodi Picoult's novel "Nineteen Minutes", and does offer some very graphic sexual content.  


No, I'm not going to share any content  here.  Go buy the book you cheapskate!  

So, the school board had him taken out in handcuffs, and decided to send out a statement that read parents couldn't opt out of mandatory reading materials.  In other words, if the school says you read it, you have no option but to read it.  If you protest publicly, you can be arrested, just like this gentleman was.


Welcome to Nazi New Hampshire!  
Next reading assignment, 
"Mein Kampf!"  

*     *     *     *     *     
5)  Pope Francis calls for the world's nations to redistribute wealth!  The pope wants poverty to end.  So, he backs the idea of redistributing wealth to keep the poor from starving and to provide them with proper housing.  This goes along with his stands against the evils of capitalism and the world's current global economy.  When asked if the Vatican City, an independent country within the city of Rome, will be the first and set the example, it is reported that the words "A Cold Day In Hell" were overheard.

In a related story, Washington, D.C. just endured its coldest day of this Spring season!
Penthouse didn't even offer me
a million dollars like they do
everyone else.
What's wrong with me???


6) Monica "Hot Lips" Lewinsky is feeling regret over her past affair with President Bill Clinton.  


Oh, let's get real.  Admit it, it was exciting screwing around with the president!  You knew he was married, he knew he was married, but what the hell, how many would say "No" to the president when he says, "Here comes my Air Force One ....  zooooooooooommmmmm?" 

 You did it.  He did it.  And, Hilary doesn't look like she ever did it one day of her life!  If we all lived in France, you'd be catered to and awarded the best mouth of the month award!  Get over it!  Most of us did over a decade ago.

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7) Fast Food Workers are organizing a world wide strike.  Not only do they want wages of $15 an hour or more, additional benefits are on the table.  If they don't get what they want, they're willing to go on strike.  


Now, isn't McDonald's, Burger King, KFC and other chains supposed to be where high school kids and retirees make a little extra money to get by on?  Let's face it, the food sucks, they can't get an order right if they tried, and to get one of them to say, "Thank You" is a major chore.  Sorry, but these folks don't deserve $15 an hour.  No how and no way!  Learn how to speak English, go to school, and open your own damn restaurant so you can pay all your relatives $15 an hour to work for you!   

Otherwise, shut up and get me a damn chocolate shake!


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8)  Donald Sterling for being a racist S.O.B.  What would a professional basketball team owner do if he couldn't be a racist?  Who the hell knows, but since the NBA has said "Goodbye Asshole" for life to the Clippers owner, Donald Sterling, he's sure to find out.  Maybe if he kisses enough butt, one of his ex players will hire him as a chauffeur, just as long as he makes sure the car is kept clean and polished.

"Hey Donald, don't forget to wipe up that bird crap 
from the back window!  See it?  Yeah, the white crap there!"

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9)  Scientists have discovered that the Black Death of the 1400's may not have been spread by rats and fleas, but by airborne sneezing and coughing germs.  I'm so glad they've figured that age old question out.  Now, let's get their asses to work figuring out how to cure cancer in today's world, instead of worrying about a bunch of 600 year old skeletons!

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10)  Tax examiner positions are on the decline.  According to the Department of Labor, the position of tax examiner is on the decline due to many local governments downsizing.  Besides, when the rich are protecting themselves with loopholes and purchased politicians, and most other Americans are now holding minimum wage positions at best, the need for tax examiners has declined accordingly.  Where's Robin Hood when you need him?


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BONUS!!!
11)  Islamic extremists may have already sold kidnapped girls into slavery.  The Islamic extremist group, Boko Harum, after taking credit for kidnapping 276 Nigerian schoolgirls recently, is thought to have already sold the girls into slavery.  Boko Harum originally translated into "Western education is sinful", has now admitted that is actually means "We're as evil as everyone else but won't admit it."  

Sources say that the girls may only be the tip of the iceberg in a huge kidnapping/ slavery plan manufactured by the fast food industry to replace possible striking workers in the near future. McDonald's and Burger King are vehemently denying these rumors.


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So, my thankful rant has ended.  I can exhale the cigarette smoke I've been holding in and attempt to breathe deeply again.  I'm going back on hiatus ... and will return to you one day in the near future.  Until then, I only have one question:


"Where in the Hell is my chocolate shake???"

**One special note.  Most of you will be having a joyous day with your mothers this week.  I hope you take full advantage of it and make it a memory to cherish for decades to come.

When I was only thirteen years old, I lost my mother.  She'd been sick for years, so it was probably the kindest blessing that could have taken place for her.  That knowledge didn't replace the hurt that has never stopped churning inside of me.

My mother is the reason I am I.  She read to me over and over when I was young, sharing the wondrous worlds the books brought forth.  When I was old enough to start reading, she helped me struggle through book after book, usually 5-6 per week, until I had to have her go to the library and talk to the librarian about allowing me in the adult selections when I was nine.  Seems I'd read everything our small town library offered on the kids side by that age, and found them to be much too simple to suffer through again and again.

The last weeks of her life were trying times.  She lay upon my lap in a fetal position night after night as my father worked the night shift.  I helped her through the physical things a young person shouldn't have to experience, but had to as there was no one else to call upon.  

I'm not going to say I was always the most loving child during this time.  I might have been jealous of having to take care of her while others had normal lives.  Her medically induced hallucinations (by prescriptions far too strong for her feeble body) forced me to physically hold her down at times to keep her from hurting herself.  I was weary and tired.  Mostly, I was too damn young to understand what was happening.

Then, one Friday evening, as I walked up the drive from the school bus, my uncle called me to his car and quite bluntly said, "Rich, I don't know any other way to tell you this ... your mom's dead."   

I still feel the emotions rising as if it was yesterday.  God, it was over forty years ago.

How destructive such a loss can be to a youngster.  I don't know if I ever returned to my previous state of being.  Perhaps, I simply got tougher ... colder inside, as I learned that death was a part of life we were forced to deal with.  I think a part of my childhood died, too.  

I know she's always been with me, watching, disapproving of much I did and smiling at times over some of the things she knew I achieved.  Still, she's never left me.

"Happy Mother's Day, mom!"  Yeah, you're the one thing in my life that I'm most thankful for by a long shot.  I thank you so much for the things you did for me while you could.  One day, we'll sit down together and reminisce about them.  

Please, remember your mother this weekend and do something special for her.  As much as a pain in the butt she may be, you'll be much happier that you did.  


Ciao!



Visit all the great posts in this weeks 
Ten Things of Thankful