Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ebola Returns, Beer Girls Reign Supreme, and other weird El Toro Defecation

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If you were one of the lucky ones that read my last post, you got to peruse my ramblings concerning Ebola.

If you are one of the unlucky ones today, you'll soon be reading a little more.

Seems that we have now had over 4,000 people in the world die of Ebola.  A special envoy to the United Nations, David NaBarro, has not only stated that the number of Ebola cases are doubling every 3-4 weeks, but has more than hinted at dire consequences for the world's population unless countries work together to end this virus immediately.  

Seriously, this one seems like it could be the one to finally thin out the world's population and get it back to a manageable level.  And, if we're lucky, the stupid will be the one's to go.

Now, please, don't tell me you never wished that you never had to stand behind a person in the grocery or department store line that couldn't understand their credit card was maxed out and still wanted to run it over and over and over, like it was going to magically change in the next two or three minutes.  Duhhhhhhh!

Iffin' ya don't have enyone comin'
ya don't need enyone ta wait on 'em!
Enyone hear Ol' Sam stirrin' in his grave?
Of course, Wal-Mart will go out of business without stupid people to shop there.  However, since many of the employees also fall into the "stupid" category for working for slave wages, it won't create that much of an employment problem.  McDonald's will be another casualty for the same reason.  If you can't figure out the reason I've just discussed, you may join them soon!

Guess you'll never get that $15 an hour job now, 
will you?

Since crowds will be extremely susceptible to transmitting the Ebola virus, St. Louis protests will soon end as there won't be anyone left for the police to shoot!  The trinity of the "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed" crowd (Sharpton, Jackson, and Don King), their voices droning like foghorns in the night, will also pass into an afterlife of inflated egos and human waste.

Lottery ticket sales will flourish at funeral homes with those wanting 
to guess who will be next!  

"Come and see those that die, before you or me say a final bye bye!
Only $5 a chance!"

Most importantly, governments will falter as political seats find themselves without bodies to fill them.  A two thirds majority will become impossible after the first filibuster by an infected party official.  Oh, the hierarchy of each nation will remain intact for a while, but even they will succumb when baby kissing becomes a dangerous act of criminal intent.

Without the huge population demands, the Earth will once again begin to heal.  Forests will replenish themselves and the air will clear.  Global Warming will become a dreaded nightmare of the past.

 People, learning that there is danger in numbers, will seek out their own territory and become self sufficient, providing crops to nourish their families.  It will be a time of returning to the basics.  Peace will be found in the solitude of no Rap Music, as well as in the necessary efforts for self survival.  

And, what of the Ebola?  Oh, it will still be lurking in the shadows, reminding those who remain of the terrible dangers society can bring forth.  As it was created to destroy, it awaits a time to reappear and do its dirty work ... when the need arises.  

Or, will it?

But, enough on Ebola!  It's time to be thankful ... ten times thankful ... or thankful times ten, if you will.  Time to cast away doubts and fears and worries of Ebola and the death that awaits us all.


This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  Nielson Ratings.  For the last seven months, a technical error has caused the Nielson Ratings to "misattribute" ratings points.  Of course, the folks at Nielson don't really look at this as a major problem.  However, the programs sponsors are totally pissed off that the money they paid to advertise may not have been properly spent for the audiences the shows were supposedly getting.  Networks are also somewhat upset that several new shows that have already been cancelled might not have deserved the cancellations.  

Up for next season is the Nielson Wheel Of Fortune!  Contestants will spin the wheel for the ratings points that each new show will receive, regardless of the quality of the programming.  An anonymous Nielson spokesperson stated, "Hell, we've done that for years on cable.  How else would you explain the audience shares of "Honey Boo Boo" and the Kardashian clan?"  

2)  Landon Donovan.  After more than a decade playing for the United States World Cup Soccer Team, Landon was cut from this year's squad.  Needless to say, he's pissed about it. 

Not knowing anything about soccer, I can say, "I feel his pain", but really don't give a damn about it.  The only thing worse than running back and forth, kicking a white ball for two hours is spending thousands of dollars on an electric cart, specialized clubs, and designer outfits to sweat off one's ass in the sun for four hours hitting a damn white ball with metal clubs.

But, then again, there are beer girls on golf courses!

The hell with fore ... I'd be happy with two!

3)  Kim Jong Un.   North Korean President, Kim John Un, has come out of his seclusion, where he has been since September 3rd.  Upon entering the sunlight, the president saw his shadow, so another six weeks of Winter is anticipated ... in advance.

4)  James Holmes.  This is the Colorado movie shooter that shot and killed 12 individuals, and wounded dozens more during the opening of a "Batman" movie.  No, James still hasn't gone to trial.  He's now taking a second group of tests to determine if he's insane or not.  Some say to kill people you must be crazy.  So, using that philosophy, anyone that murders is insane and should not be given the death penalty.  And, we as a society, would have to be crazy to put him to death for his acts.  At least, that's a common viewpoint these days.

Now, not being one of the politically correct and believing that a person is responsible for their actions, especially those as well thought out as our Mr. Holmes', I say, "Die you bastard, die!"   Of course, if many politically correct individuals have his way, James will be paroled in time for the next Batman movie release.  

Can you say, "Deja Vu", boys and girls?  "Bang, Bang!"

5)  Sharknado.  A real sharknado seemed to take place on the North Carolina coast this week, as over one hundred sharks went into a bluefish feeding frenzy.  Although still in the ocean waves, many seemed to beach themselves chasing the sushi delicacies.  
As you can see, stupid people did go wading with the sharks.  Let's see, feeding frenzy animal known to bite at anything, wading where one cannot move as quickly as normal, and not just one but over 100 of the jaws gnashing about ... sure, that's where I want to go wading!  And that, boys and girls, made the sharks very, very happy.  

On tap for next week, 
"North Carolina resident attempts to sue shark for accidental bite!"
by C.U. Incourt
"Hopping on the beach" by Amp U Tee

6)  Joan Rivers.  "Can we talk?"  Finally, the cause of death to the star has been announced.  They've now figured out that a lack of oxygen to the brain.  One scientist is debating this claim stating, "No oxygen to the brain ever stopped Jay Leno!"

7)  Halloween.  Only a couple of weeks away, the night of spooks, goblins and all types of monsters arrives (unless you live in Washington, D.C. where it's a daily way of life).  Unfortunately, I no longer get scared.  People have jumped out at me and screamed at me for years without any result.  I've wasted time in supposed haunted houses while ghost hunting, where the scariest part was wondering what was out in the woods when I stepped outside to have a cigarette or take a leak.  I think 34 years of being married to the same woman and seeing her without make-up too many times to count has something to do with my numbness.  Still, it's a nice night to go to the movies until all the kids are done with their trick or treating, especially since both activities cost the same these days.  And, one never has to be accused of child abuse while sneaking up behind them with an axe and a hockey mask.  
What?  Me use cocaine?
Why, I've never smoked it in my life!

8)  Hunter Biden.  The son of the Vice President of the United States has been discharged from the U.S. Navy for testing positive for cocaine.  Unlike other military personnel that test positive for illegal drugs, Hunter received an honorable discharge.  Some are calling this "favoritism" and "playing politics", while others are extremely upset.  White House officials are saying that both the President's and Vice President's eyes are extremely red over the matter.  Tears are the suspect, as sniffing behind closed doors seem to have been the norm for several days.  In other news, the Presidential duo just completed a 5 mile run in 2 minutes, setting the fastest time for any president/ vice president team.

9)  Fall Weather.  No longer does one have to sweat and stink like a pig in heat.  Fall weather is upon us, which means jackets and a briskness that revives one's inner instincts to stay in bed longer in the morning.  (And, don't tell me you've never waited until your spouse went to the bathroom first so you didn't have to be the one to warm up the cold as ice toilet seat!)   

10)  Michael Jackson.  Forbes just released their list of top earning dead performers and guess who came in at the top of the list?  Yep, Michael Jackson.  Even dead, the superstar brought in over $140 million last year.  Elvis came in second with $55 million.  Fleetwood Mac was also high on the list until someone finally discovered they weren't actually dead yet ... just suffering from charging too much for ticket prices!

And, that's gonna do it for another week.  See you soon!


Friday, October 3, 2014

Ebola, Beheadings, and Toys R Us ... Damn, I'm Thankful!

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A woman has been beheaded in the United States.

It wasn't done with a sword.  Instead, a knife was used.  Obviously, it wasn't done in one swift chop.  Unless, of course, it came from a set of Ginsu Knives from television advertising past.

This event wasn't televised.  Nor, was it an example of Isis terrorist activity.

It was one disgruntled employee with a knife that  ... well, who knows what he was thinking!  Some say it was racially motivated.  Others believe it was a retaliation for religious comments made.  

This might be carrying political correctness a bit too far!

The alleged murderer (like the event wasn't witnessed) is a recently switched over Muslim.  The French were mostly Catholics during the guillotine beheadings during the French Revolution, so I really don't believe religion has much to do with it.  

Neither did Madame DeFarge. 

 (That one is lost on you if you never read "A Tale Of Two Cities.")

The alleged murderer's mother states that her son is a good boy, not prone to violent behavior.  He, of course, has a history of criminal activity, including assaulting a police officer, but I guess she doesn't believe that is violent.

One wonders where her relevance guidelines are.

They might be the same as the Ebola safety guidelines the Center for Disease Control is utilizing to keep Ebola out of the United States.

Oops!  Guess they didn't work either.

We now have Ebola in Texas.  People in Texas like to say they have everything.  Now, they do!

Perhaps the Ebola will spread to those that believe they are above all others.  
"I come from Africa ...
you suckas gonna die!!

Too bad it wasn't discovered in Washington, D.C.  

If you are sick and wondering if you've picked up the Ebola virus, you probably have.  Don't worry about the symptoms as you'll be dead soon.  

Nice thought, isn't it?

Luckily this virus isn't transported by airborne germs and such.  The Gulf Breezes would spread it across the United States without delay.  

It does make going to sporting events a risk, though.  Seriously, think about the ass that sat behind you last time, screaming his lungs out at the officials.  The back of your hair and neck were recipients of his excess spitting while yelling mode.  If that contains the Ebola virus, you may not score so big next time.

Nothing like spreading a little fear, is there?

Now that I've done my good deed for the day, let's get back to the basics of this post.


As I was simply too busy with end of the month obligations last week at work, and didn't post, I know you've been going through the DT's just anticipating today's entry.

About as much as your desire for Ebola, huh?

Anyway, the Lovable Lizzi and her cohorts are once again providing a forum for our wonderful thankfulness to shine.  

Nice of them to do so before we're all dying of Ebola or beheading, isn't it?

Anyway, let's proceed with what we're all here for!

This Week, I'm Thankful For:

"Oh yeah, We bad, We bad.  What?  Whadaya 
mean passing a joint around can give us Ebola?
1)  Teenage Punks.  Without teenage punks, how would we know the feeling of thankfulness when the law finally does their job and captures these denizens of the crevices of society?  

Yes, the punk that attacked my wife and another employee at the pharmacy at which they work was captured last week.  A mug shot was provided and immediately selected by both victims, to be followed with, "Well, he's in jail now.  Don't feel bad, he's robbed other places and beat up other people, including a bunch of kids.  He'll be put away for a long time."  Since he's fifteen, I imagine he'll be released upon his eighteenth birthday, which means he'll only have served a little over two years for his crimes.  

Shame, I'd have given him the death penalty, or at least provided him with the same beatings he gave others.  I know, "he's had a bad childhood and society's to blame."  Sorry, but a person has to take accountability for their actions, regardless of whatever excuse you'd like to provide them.  Perhaps he'll fall in love with his cell partner, have a sex change operation, and be a loving mother the rest of his life to some street punk that needs to have his ass beat.  Okay, damn it, one can dream can't he!

2)  A.I.D.S.   The origin of A.I.D.S. has been traced to it's source.  Kinshasa, in the Democratic Republic of Congo, is the city that the epidemic started.  Now, all they have to do is to figure out which monkey clan was selling itself out as hookers and the real source will finally be found.  On a related note, gay citizens of San Francisco have been seen wiping their brows in relief and saying, "At least they can't blame it on us anymore!"

"What do you mean if I don't get this shot
I might die of Ebola?  I thought it was a flu shot!"
3)  Flu Shots.  The Center For Disease Control has issued a stern warning about getting flu shots this year.  They're stating that everyone needs to get their annual shot as the flu virus is just waiting to strike as the months start to chill down.  With such a sincere effort to make sure all of us get them, one might tend to wonder about Ebola more and more.  Of course, since we'll all soon be dead from the virus anyway, why worry?

4)  Hong Kong Protestors.  These protestors have cut off talks with the Hong Kong government officials, better know as Chinese Mafia Crime Lords, as the discussions were far from reaching a democratic solution.  Of course, this is somewhat hypocritical considering that democracy is what is at question, but who am I to doubt the sincerity of the talks.  After all, I reside in a country that only allows you to pick its leaders from two like individuals that have the same agendas in providing everything for big business and the rich and eliminating the middle class.  Wouldn't a true democracy be nice?

"Mommy, I Gotta Go
To The Woods!"
5)  Eric Frein.  This is the individual that killed one state trooper and wounded another in an attack on their barracks three weeks ago.  With all the equipment the police and FBI have, he has eluded capture by hiding in a forest land.  The police have consistently stated they are getting closer and closer to finding him, yet he remains at large.  Recently, police have been getting DNA samples from some diapers found in the woods.  It's my guess they're trying to determine if they belong to Frein, or if bears have gotten more sophisticated over the years and really do shit in the woods (in diapers).

6)  Alzheimer's Disease.  Swiss and American researchers have determined that certain characteristic traits may increase a person's chances of contracting Alzheimer's Disease.  These traits show up particularly during the person's 30's and 40's.  High emotional stress and the feeling of being unsociable were two of the primary traits stated that women need be aware.  Or, as one might say, "Stop being a bitch and chill out!!!"

7)   Toys R Us.  A New Jersey mother has filed an 80 million dollar lawsuit against Toys R Us over a toy watch that she says leaked corrosive liquid and burned her child's arm.  The toy was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wristwatch that was purchased last Easter.

"What do you mean volcanoes?  I always
thought I looked like Rob Lowe!"
Look, nothing against the kid, but he probably never took the watch off.  Digital batteries are known for leaking after being submerged in liquid repeatedly.  We just got done with Summer, which means swimming, hosing, sweating, and plenty of baths and showers.  Why in the world don't you take the damn thing off the kid every once in a while and check it.  Isn't that what a parent should do, or at least one that is accountable for the safety of her child?  Or, would that be too much damn work?  Oh, yeah, I know, you're in your 30's and suffering from emotional stress and unsociable feelings.  You forgot!  C'mon, damn it, admit it, you screwed up!  Geeeesh!!!  Whatta Bitch!!!

8)  The Man In The Moon.  Researchers from MIT are stating that the Man In The Moon is not an actual man's face at all.  Rather, the patterns were formed by volcanic eruptions during the moon's ancient past.  Says the cow, "Damn, you mean I've been jumping over that S.O.B. for years and it's just volcano's?"

9)  The Baltimore Orioles and the Detroit Tigers.  This week, the Detroit Tigers were beaten by the Baltimore Orioles in the American League Division Playoffs.  Said one fan, "Who cares?  We're all gonna catch Ebola and die before the World Series is ever played anyway!"

10)  Driver in Clown Mask Hits Cyclist.  This week, a pick-up truck driver in a clown mask intentionally hit a cyclist.  The driver later claimed it was a case of mistaken identity.

Damn it, I told him to hit the ass on the red bike that intentionally rides his bike in the center of the lane, doing 20 mph in a 45 mph zone.  That sucker has made me late for work six times in the last month as he peddles along, in his cute little yellow and green cycling outfit, thinking he owns the damn road.  I just wasted $50 on this idiot that turned out to be colorblind and couldn't tell yellow and green from purple and red.  What an idiot I hired.  Next time, I'll do it myself.  Damn!

Oh, sorry about that .....

And that's another edition of Ten Things Of Thankful.  Hope you enjoyed!  If so, please feel free to leave wonderful comments below telling everyone how great you now feel since you've indulged your dark side once again.

Till next time ...     


Friday, September 19, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "Honey, Sit Down ... The Hell With What Kanye Says!"

As you might discover, I'm fairly adept at recognizing El Toro defecation.

No brag, just fact!

Like you, I sometimes find myself watching people and just shaking my head at their actions.  I used to concentrate on just the public figures while thinking, "Damn, don't these people realize they're in the public eye?"

Then I decided that they thought being in the public eye meant you had to do something extremely stupid just to stay in the public eye.

No, shame is no longer a factor.

Enter the egotistical Kanye West, for example.  

I know, you'd rather not take him anywhere, much like myself, but let's use him as a focal point.

In a recent concert, Kanye was filmed stopping the show because he wanted everybody on their feet for him.  He even went to the extreme of questioning handicapped individuals with prosthetics and in wheel chairs to see if they couldn't stand for him.

If I had been in attendance (probably an after death pit of Hell experience for French kissing my pillow during a nocturnal event of my youth), These are some of my replies to your commands to rise up.
  1. Give me a quality performance to make me want to rise up and do something besides punch your egotistical mouth!
  2. I paid way too much for this seat and you're not going to get me out of it!  Lower ticket prices and I'll consider your asinine request!
  3. I'll be happy to rise if you'll come over here and kiss my ass!
  4. How many times do you have to open your mouth to prove to yourself you should've kept the thing shut?  
  5. What? Are you pissed off that your kid is already exhibiting signs of intelligence that surpasses yours?
  6. Why don't you, Molly Citrus and Justa Beaver all get together and take a long standing room only journey on the next Malaysian Airlines flight?
  7. What? Did Kim finally agree to give you a BJ if you could get everybody standing?
  8. Take a look in the mirror so you can actually see the only person that loves you!
  9.  It's been said that men with small penises actually speak the loudest.  Now, what was that you were saying?
  10. Rap with me now:  "If all ya gonna do is give us some crap, who the hell cares about you 'n yer rap.  You say that you gonna stop the band, iffin' all of us don't get up and stand.  I'm tired of your mouth flappin' in the breeze, so why don't you fly away to the trees.  Let's get us some talent up on the stage, someone whose brain is free of the haze.  Goodbye, Kanye, your time is no more.  See you next time, Kanye, stocking shelves in the store.  Good buh, Good buh, Good buh I say.  I'm lookin' for talent, so's gets outta the way!   Yo Yo!!   Oh, and there's no such damn word as conversate!  It's converse, dummy, converse!"
From his words and actions, I'm sure Kanye believes himself to be God's gift to mankind.  Sad thing is no one else believes that except those boo birds from the video.  However, from his statements after Hurricane Katrina to this escapade, Kanye continuously proves that money doesn't bring intelligence, just publicity.  

But enough of Kanye and his foolish life.  It's time for thankfulness!

I'm thankful for many things this week.  But, one that goes without saying, is the thankfulness of this group that allows me to go to the extremes of sarcasm post after post.  I know I offend, from time to time, but many of you still come back for more.  For that, I am very thankful.

So, without further ado, this week I'm thankful for:

1)  The CIA.  Well, according to secret disclosures, the CIA has secretly stopped spying on friendly governments in Europe.  Of course, the spying was supposed to be secret, but was discovered in several Germany / U.S. fiasco's.  So, a secret memo was secretly passed down by secret heads of state and secret chains of commands to secretly stop the secret spying.  One secret  source, who remains secret due to the secret nature of his secret position, secretly announced that these secret stand-downs generally don't last long.  But don't repeat that ... it's a secret!

2)  Secession.  According to a recent poll, one in four Americans are willing to have their state secede from the current government in Washington, D.C. and operate on their own.  Folks, that's 25% of all Americans (legal Americans, that is) are so fed up with Washington, D.C., regardless of the party, that they want out!  Personally, I'd like to see several states do exactly that, but that would put Mitch McConnell out of a job after over 30 years of misappropriating our tax dollars for pet government projects and negative campaign tactics.  And, as we all know, we must take care of Poor Mitch!   (Perhaps we could get him a secret job in the CIA in a secret place thousands of miles away!  Shhhhh!    Don't tell ... that may soon be a secret, too!)

3)  Aussie Police.  Over 800 Australian Police were used to arrest 15 people thought to be part of an ISIS plot to behead citizens in all areas of Australia.  Out of the 15, two have been detained and the other 13 released.  Dunkin' Donuts spokespersons state, "Our business plummeted with the officers being deployed elsewhere.  If an ISIS member ever comes in here, there's no way we'll ever give them a discount!"

4)  Miley Cyrus.  Yes, Miley Cyrus is in trouble again!  Damn, I'm so sick of this I don't even feel like writing about it.  Tell you what, you write the rest and be sure to make it funny.  Here are the lines to do it on: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5)  Home Depot.  Yes, if you've purchased anything in the last year at Home Depot by using a credit or debit card, you may be at risk.  Over 56 million credit cards have been breached by a malware program in Home Depot's system.  Although Home Depot seems only concerned about how the breach will affect their business, consumers are more concerned about how the breach will hit them.  So, if you happen to see 17 electric drills, 14 garden hoes, and 42 bags of concrete charge to your card, acknowledge that you may be a victim of this breaching, instead of married to a spouse that is secretly planning to make you a permanent resident under the new driveway.

6)  Scottish Independence Vote.  The majority says no to a tune of 55% to 45%.  Mother England will stay the parent and the Scots will remain as they have been for hundreds of years.  Some like it, some don't.  All I know about Scotland is that it's damn cold in Dundee in November, and anyone that will wear a kilt in that weather has all of my damn respect!

7)  America's Got Talent.  AGT crowned a new winner this week.  It was Franco the Magician.  No one really cared as you seldom see them after the program ends, anyway!  The second runner up, Emily West, had just released an album last year that would put you to sleep if you allowed it, so a little magic might not be a back thing to keep one awake!

8)  Clear Channel Radio Stations:  These are part of a chain that play the same music day after day after day.  If you're in retail, and happen to be hexed with a manager that insists on one of these stations filling the air, just remind them that at about the same time Clear Channel started broadcasting, mass murders increased 62%.  If you say it with a grimace on your face, a growl in your voice, and a gun in your hand, you just might be able to change channels to something more listenable.

9)   Second Languages.  Anyone that has ever sold anything can tell you that a couple from another country will revert back to their own language to hide their comments from you.  I find that being able to speak Italian allows me the opportunity to talk to them in my language.  When they don't understand and act confused, I can always get them to go back to English immediately, as no one likes to look the fool. Second languages are indeed a great equalizer!  But, what the hell is this pig Latin crap???

10)  The United States Congress.  There's a saying that goes something like this, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Decades ago, the U.S. provided guns and weapons to rebels to assist them in fighting the Russians.  Many of these rebels later became a terrorist group and rammed jets in the World Trade Center and Pentagon.  We have fought them for years in Iraq and Afghanistan, and many still remain our most sincere enemies.  

So, what does Congress decide to do this week?  Yep, supply weapons to Syrian rebels!  I guess today's politicians are trying to set up the future for big business war machine producers who are always looking for a battle to supply weapons.  Like I said, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Perhaps we should check out the medical marijuana restrictions in their states to see who has short term memory problems and who don't!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Well, that's going to end another edition of Ten Things Of Thankful.  If we all don't get blown up, I'll be back with another edition in the near future.  


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "How To Get Your Neighbor To Go To Walmart For You"

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Have you ever watched the movie The African Queen?

No, it's not about the guy and monkey that started Aids a few decades ago.

The African Queen is a tale of a couple that face tragedy, survive a long and hazardous journey, and find love and devotion to each other.  It stars Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn as a couple that face swarming mosquitoes, numerous wild animals, and a rive filled with dangerous rapids.  

Okay, so why the movie review?  

The African Queen has reminded me how similar the roads are that we travel during our daily lives, unless, of course, you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth.  First, there's going to be decisions to make and adversity to face.  Next, the road to recovery or better living must be traveled.  Finally, you can sit back and relax while enjoying the fruits of your labor.

Almost sounds like a morning dump, doesn't it?  You strain like crazy, make a decision as to when your body says, "All done", and then get on with the rest of the morning. (Unless you've eaten something that totally disagrees with you the night before and then there's many return journeys.  lol)

Maybe, just maybe, you'd like to consider it more like picking the kids up at school.  You fight traffic to get there, wait in what seems to be an endless line of minivans and SUV's, and finally get to scream at the kids to hurry up and close the damn door before the rain soaks the seats.  Ahhh, the enjoyment of being a parent!

It could even be like the physical act of lovemaking to a partner with whom you're stuck with for decades. The only difference here is that the decision is mostly made out of obligation, the road traveled doesn't bring new experiences, and the cigarettes taste the same as they would if you'd never embarked upon the excursion to begin with.  (That make you want to get old, doesn't it?)

I could describe one more comparison with masturbation, but I think you get the point!

See ... "Trial ... Effort ... Success!"  "Beginning ... Middle ... End!"

Or, one might even consider reading this as the same.  You've just endured the beginning.  Now, the middle is coming up.  Some of it will be easy.  Some of it won't be easy.

This has been the toughest part for me.  Of course, I haven't written the rest yet, so who really knows what the toughest part will end up being.  As in life, we can only judge the degree of the difficulty from those we've already experienced.  That's why perceptions can be so deceiving and completely screw up endings.

Perhaps discussing masturbation would be more fun.   Hmmm ...

Yet, if a person was bold enough to write a Ten Things Of Thankful post about the experience of masturbation, they might either be asked to never come back, or, perhaps, to lead an instructional course on the topic.  
That could be the start!  The middle could be what you make it!  And, the end, well, the end could be messy.  

So, let me swallow my pride and continue onward to the middle, better known as:

"Today, I'm Thankful For These Ten Things ..."

1)  CVS Pharmacy.  This pharmacy chain is making a big deal about doing away with cigarettes in their inventory.  In their recent television commercial blitz, they state they're doing it for health reasons.  What a bunch of El Toro defecation!!!  Let's tell it like it is.  CVS found that with their high costs for tobacco products, people were buying them elsewhere.  Of course, that's not surprising as CVS is one of the most expensive pharmacy chains in the United States today.  If this chain was so health conscious, they'd stop increasing the size of their liquor department (which is responsible for more "Caused and related deaths" than tobacco annually), provide proper security for their store employees (since they're dealing with more and more robberies ... common to liquor stores), and stop making claims that only show them for the liars they are.  In fact, they even keep the stores open after the pharmacy closes just to dip deeper into the alcohol sales market.  Sorry, CVS, you're not even good at covering up.  Time to hire a new marketing department!  Oh, that's right, they now work for Cosco, don't they?

2)  Ray Rice & wife, Janay.  Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, was shown in a video (released this week) practicing his boxing skills on his wife's chin.  Bad thing was they weren't in a boxing ring.  Instead, this took place in an elevator that just happened to have a security camera filming the incident.  

The NFL immediately suspended Rice indefinitely because of this.  

Now, his wife is condemning the NFL's actions and saying that the press was the reason for everything happening.  Let's see, a couple of good punches, a knockout, and a count beyond ten was all the fault of the press.  C'mon, folks, you can do better than that!  Sounds like she was more than happy to divorce his ass as long as he was working and could supply a huge meal ticket. However, since there's no longer any money coming in, she's coming to her "non-senses" and talking about what a beautiful relationship they have.  

So, shed the "Professional Football Player and wife" category and enter 
the "Wife Beater and Money Grubbing Bitch" spotlight!!!  

Isn't love beautiful?
"And for my next song, here's
one I wrote last night."
"You're not much, Bubba, but
you're better than batteries!"

3)  Taylor Swift.  Would you believe that Taylor Swift hasn't dated in over a year?  Perhaps it's because everyone's she's ever dated and broke up with has had a nasty song written about them and no one else wants to make the TS Asshole List.  Sounds like she's getting ready to write some new songs based on her recent, multi platinum, one night stands, though. I hear the album title is tottering between "How Swift Is Swift" or ""Nail Taylor Again."  

4)  President O-Bam-Bam-A.  As you know, I don't like politicians, regardless of the party.  But, what makes me sick is when a politician parades around on television like he's the one that thought of everything, when we all know any central political figure is surrounded by many just as politically tainted and common sense ignorant as he.  Anyway, a major element in war is the element of surprise.  Don't let your opponent know what you're going to do and you keep them wondering.  

So, what does our wonderful President do?  Of course, he get's on TV and broadcasts a major statement as to what our plans are (and will be) against Isis!   What does this guy think, that the television broadcast won't be seen or heard by any of the enemy???  No, he didn't give any definitive dates or times, but he did give them a much broader understanding as to what paths we may be traveling.  One might say enough time to develop obstacles for us to have to overcome and cost American fighting men and women their lives.  

Thanks, O-Bam-Bam-A!  Whose side did you say you were on?  Oh yeah, you got that
 procedure out of the "How to Fight a War and Make Corporations Rich" written by our last president, George "When's My Next Vacation" Tush.  'Nuff Said!!!

"Here's my South African
justice, baby!"

5)  South African Justice.  Oscar Pistorius was proclaimed innocent of murder this week, proving once again that if you want to end a relationship without having to deal with a money grubbing gold digger, the easiest way to do so is with a pistol. At least, that's the way he tells it.  Of course, one must be an international figure and have millions of dollars in the bank, but the gifted life can be yours if you so desire.  Funny ... I didn't see any rioting there after the decision was read.  Oh yeah, that only happens in countries where the populace is primarily supported by government assistance and doesn't have to go to work to earn a living.  

6)  Olive Garden Restaurants.  The chain's loss of profits seem to have investor's so worried, they hired an efficiency group to come in and make recommendations.  One of these brilliant observers states that there are too many wasted breadsticks.  The chain's official policy is to only bring out one breadstick at a time, but many of the servers brought more.  With this landmark observation, the firm will be able to save enough to pay the cost of the efficiency group's services by the year 2059.

"There's no damn way I'm going
to lick your face, Rich!"
7)  Dogs That Lick Your Face.  Professor Alexandra Horowitz has proclaimed that the reason dogs lick your face leads back to their "wolf" ancestry.  Seems that wolves lick the faces of other wolves to get them to regurgitate food for the rest of the pack.  So, on that note, one could logically assume that if a dog doesn't lick your face after you eat, you may want to consider what you've been consuming!  "No, honey, I'm not knocking how bad you cook again ... the dogs are!"

8)  Dr. Lawrence Cohen.  Joan River's specialist is no longer performing operations or is the director of the medical facility where she had her final operation.  Seems he had another doctor in the operating room who was not authorized by the facility to be present.  Dr. Cohen was last observed running wild from the facility, with his hands clasped firmly over his ears, as reporters bombarded him with, "Can we talk ... really ... can we talk just a minute?"

9)  The Death Trilogy Hex.  As comedians and singers usually seem to die in groups of three, comedy clubs throughout the country are finding it hard to find comedians willing to claim the title of comedian for fear of being the remaining member of the "Robin Williams / Joan Rivers / ?" grouping.  In a related story, Saturday Night Live will be broadcast at its regular time this weekend, as none of those working there have anything to fear from the hex.

"Welcome to Walmart!  
10)  New Walmart Dress Code.  Employees, at the store no one admits to shopping in, Walmart, are once again having to take much of their earned income to purchase new clothes to conform with the new dress code their corporate headquarters has decided to impose upon them.  Since stores in the United States are only required to pay for uniforms, but not clothes that could be worn elsewhere, Employees are complaining that they would never wear a white or blue polo shirt, or khaki or black slacks anywhere else, and that it should be considered a uniform.  Judging from the usual clothing worn by most Walmart employees, the case is under consideration.  

That's going to do it for another Ten Things of Thankful!  

You've now traveled upon today's version of the African Queen.  As Bogey once said,

"Here's looking at you, kid!"


*** BTW ... Many "Serious" Thanks to all of you that have written me about how my wife is doing.  It's been a couple of weeks now and even though the physical hurts have mended, the mental still remain somewhat.  It will be a long road, I'm afraid, until all is once again, if ever, well.  Still, there are times I wonder if it didn't affect me just as greatly as vengeance is still a constant mind companion.  She, and I, do appreciate your concerns, well wishes, and prayers.  Again, Many Thanks!

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Just Once ... Let There Be One Night Of Legal Purging! Vengeance Is Thine! (Or how to cut the balls off a thug and ruin his prison sex life)

As many of you know, my wife and a co-worker of hers were the victims of a senseless attack last Saturday night.

That's the reason the comments many of you were so kind to leave on last week's post are still unanswered.

Physically, my wife is okay.  Mentally, the questions still remain.

That's beyond her standard mental deficiencies of course! 
 (Okay, so I had to make one joke.  
I can't help myself at times.)

The attack came after a shoplifter, after wandering around the pharmacy several times, had picked up a bottle of vodka and put it in his pocket.  The co-worker then asked to see his I.D., since he seemed to look way too young to legally purchase the item.  He slammed the bottle on the counter and started in with the screaming accusation crap that so many uneducated people partake of when they're caught in the act of a wrong doing.

My wife told him, "You just need to leave."

The 15-16 year old punk lashed out at her face with a fist, knocking off her glasses and grazing her nose.  He struck a second time and hit her hard in the right clavicle, knocking her backwards into the counter racks behind the register.  

It was at that point the co-worker started out from behind the counter and the punk strutted out the exit.  Unfortunately, the co-worker was unaware that the punk was standing just outside the door.  A bottle of Nyquill was smashed into the co-worker's face, breaking his glasses and sending glass into both the skin surrounding the eye and the eye as well.  The punk then took off in the company of two girls, one wearing a pink top (according to on scene witnesses)

A description of the youth:  young, black male, 15-16 years old in appearance, head bandana, black tank top and baggy and ripped black jeans.  Sad that it sounds, so stereotypical, isn't it?

When my wife told me about the occurrence she was still in shock.  A shock that allowed for her to create a denial.  However, as the days have passed, that denial has been replaced with anger and rage.  She'll heal ... slowly.  

I just don't know if I will, or even want to!

Immediately after being told of the event, my mind went to all the training I had in the military.  There are multiple ways to kill a person.  Believe me, there were very few that haven't passed through my mind since that night.

No, I'm not going to describe them.  I don't want to gross you out.  Let's just say that there are those that deserve to live and those that don't.  A man that uses brute force on an innocent woman only deserves to get what he demonstrates ... no mercy.

I really don't care if this thug had a messed up childhood.  Nor, do I care if he had parents that needed anger management classes and he's only exhibiting what he experienced at home.  I don't even care if he just lost his dog.

No, this is a person that society has honed.  He's selfish, thinks only of himself, respects the rights of no other human being, and believes that anything is okay as long as he gets away with it.  He believes he's tougher than anyone else and is dying to prove it.

I'm ready to give him his chance.

Should I be thankful to this person for any reason?  I've been told to be thankful that he didn't use a knife or gun that night.  I've also been told to be thankful that we have a police department that will get him in the end.  I don't believe that as they've proven themselves totally ineffective in a couple of other situations we've experienced over the years.

I guess I should be thankful that I wasn't present the other night.  It probably stopped some ignorant mother from pleading with authorities how her son didn't deserve to die and how he'd always been such an angel.  It probably stopped all of the minority leaders from having to visit our fair city and preach about how terrible it is that a fine young man's future is no longer a possibility as he was unfairly taken early in life.  It may have even stopped some riots from occurring.

But, in analyzing myself, I don't hate this individual because of his color.  In fact, color has nothing to do with it.  If it did, there would be no way I could talk to many of my co-workers, receive their empathy and understanding, and remain good friends.  This was a thug ... a dumb punk that picked on a 58 year old woman that needed to have his ass kicked regardless of his color because of his actions.  It's called attitude readjustment time ... when my attitude gets better by readjusting his face and body bone structure.  Its a time when the beast within me arises and slashes out to end the possibilities of future victims going through what my wife is going through.  It's a time for justice to forget the courts and the leniency they provide and do what seems to be most effective ... give a permanent lesson!

No, I will probably never get the chance to do as I wish with this person.  I would run for the chance, but I might be running forever.  However, sooner or later, if this person continues in the manner they've shown, someone will demonstrate what being a punk thug is all about ... dying.

It will be one funeral I won't cry at.  

Purge ... anyone?

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful ... The PG Edition (Okay, So I Gotta Do It Every Now And Then Before I Lose Those That Don't Like R Rated Material. Get Over It!)

Visit All Ten Things Of Thankful
Posts Here!!!
Funny how things always seem to go in cycles.

No, I'm not talking about the monthly curse that women have suffered since the beginning of time.  (Although I remember several times during my youth that I was exceptionally happy to hear that my girlfriend's had started.)

I'm talking about society for the most part.  

OMG, he's going to start another rant!

No, not this time.  I've let my viewpoints speak out many times.  I know that people don't like being called stupid (even though many are).  I'm also aware that people don't always like to look at the negatives that surround them everyday (even though they, too, love to bitch about them).  So, for now, I'm going to leave those topics alone and try to find humor in the world in which we reside (like we really have many other options to choose from).

I read this week that Global Warming was making a comeback tour. Global warming was a big thing for several years.  Then, after everyone blasted Al Gore's preachings, it seemed to leave us for a while. Then, some claimed it was all a hoax and a plan to get over on the public. But, now it's making a tremendous comeback!  

You never doubted it, did you?

It does seem true that there are an abundance of earthquakes these days. In addition, more and more serious storms, tornadoes and hurricanes, these days, and more temperature extremes seem to be a common news thread.  Just look at what the West Coast recently experienced!!!
There are even those that are predicting the end of days (I was always confused ... does the day end at 12:01 a.m., or does it have to be daylight before morning actually takes place?)  We all expect the giant pimple of lava underneath Yellowstone National Park to pop at any time, giving new purpose to Old Faithful as a new way to cook bear.  
So, what we were told existed, and then told never existed, is existing once more.  I figure this will last until at least the next elections.  Then, the incoming politicians can deny it happening ... again ... so we can get back to ignoring it while playing the role of plausible deniability.  

Of course, by then, we'll have the Giant Easter Bunny to deal with!!!!!

But, of course, the cycles continue!

Just like the Friday cycle of Ten Things of Thankful.  Lovely Lizzi and her tribe of thankful followers present this week's version right here _____.

Or, I should say here since you're already here and not there, until after you leave here, of course .. that is if you decide to go there, or not!  And, a horse is a horse, of course, or course ..

"Nuff said!"  Without further ado, let us venture into the deep dark recesses of my mind and get started with this week's offerings!

This week I'm thankful for:

1)  Tony Soprano.  Seven years after the final show, people are still debating what happened to the lead character after the screen left family sitting in the restaurant.  Did the stranger coming out of the bathroom kill all of them?  Did the family finish their meal and continue life in the same fashion they'd done for years?  Did a spaceship come out of the heavens, beam them up, and created a society based on "Family" concepts?   WHO CARES???

Folks, it's a television show.  It had enjoyed great ratings for many years, but they'd slumped due to a lousy dream sequence while Tony was recovering from a bullet wound.  So, decisions were made to end it.  It's time to get a life and move on to the next program.  There's hundred to choose from ... don't be picky!  By the way ... the actor who played Tony is dead ... dead!!!   For God's sake, let it end!  There won't be a follow up movie or a revival of cast members.  Eat your canola and shut up!

2)  True Blood finalie.  OMG!!!!!  Whatever are we going to do???  True Blood just showed its final episode this last Sunday night.  Talk about the suspense ... the irony ... the depression!!!  How will we be able to survive now that this stalwart of HBO programming will be no more??  And, how will we ever find out who Sookie married?  And, will her baby have fairy powers, too, or simply be a fairy?  

Hey ... Yeah, You ... Get A Life!

3)  Robin Williams.  How can I joke about the world's favorite funny man?  I want to, but nothing seems to come to mind.  Nor can I say anything that hasn't already been said, whether it was someone else or me.  I understand why he ended his life the way he did, I'm just extremely sorry he did it.  C'est le Vie, my friend!  You may be gone, but you'll never be forgotten.

4)  Syria.  Here's a country that supplied most of the 9/11 hijackers and has been a constant source of refuge for terrorists.  Now, terrorists are taking it over and doing to the populace what they've done all over the world for years!  Seems almost justified, doesn't it?

I hope that Isis and all other terror groups find a home there.  Gather them all together, send in the booze, get them drunk, and then blow the hell out of them with a deluge of well placed bombs.  And, please, don't tell me to forgive them for what they do.  Lining up unarmed individuals and shooting them from behind is a coward's act if I ever saw one.  It's kind of like those folks that like to talk big on the web, but when you confront them in real life, they back down so quick you can hardly see the blur.  Cowards!

Tell you what, Isis terrorists.  I know several folks here in Kentucky that would love to give you a fair and fighting chance.  Send us your top three leaders, arm them with a single pistol each, and meet these guys in the forests of Eastern Kentucky.  They'll be armed the same way.  After 48 hours, let's see who's still making moonshine and visiting real life virgins (Even if they are family members!).  

5)  Ice Bucket Challenge Participants.  I wish this craze would catch on with today's youth.  From the snipets I've witnessed so far, most of them don't remember to hold on to the bucket and drop it on the head of an unsuspecting youngster.  If this keeps up, some parent will be offended when their child sustains a neck injury, file legal suit against this practice, and make this completely illegal.  When this happens, the pages of Facebook and such will once again fill up with half clothed women and scare pranks, instead of the same old thing over and over again.  Btw, has anyone ever heard of donating via the United Way?
6)  Ever order multiple items on separate orders, pay for various shipping rates, and watch everything be packaged up and sent together?  Try it sometime.  When your "Two Day Shipping" doesn't arrive in two days because there's also the free shipping item contained in the shipment, call Amazon and bitch like crazy!  If you're a good enough actor, you might just find your next couple of shipments come to you much faster as you're credited with free, but 1 or 2 day, delivery!

7)  Wing Zone.  If this fast food delivery hasn't hit your area yet, you don't know what you're missing!  They have one of the best salads under the sun, as well as decent wings.  I always get the chicken tender salad with Thai Chicken hot sauce and add Blue Cheese dressing to it.  The Blue Cheese cools the heat, but it is simply smoldering under the creamy white topping.  For $7.29, you won't find a better salad.  Be careful, though.  I recently found myself shelling out $52 for my wife and I one night.  We had leftovers, but really, use restraint.  (But don't forget the damn salad!!!!!!!!)

8)  Tom Petty, Dave Mason, Jim Messina, and other music artists of decades ago.  Yep, these guys are still producing albums.  Some are decent and some are ... well, let's just say voices generally sound better earlier in life.  Be wary, you can find yourself getting hung up on downloading these artists, and going back and downloading their older albums that you never purchased with they were originally released.  Then, try explaining the $387 charges on your credit card to your spouse one evening.  "But honey, they were on sale.  Just look at all the money I saved!"   (Yeah, ladies, tell me you've never used that one before!)

9)  The Emmy Awards.  Gave me a reason to shut off regular TV and finally watch the Blu-Ray of "The Amazing Spiderman 2" while eating Wing Zone food.  If my wife had been out visiting my daughter, it would have been the perfect evening!

10)  Back To School Season.
"Yea, Yea, the kids are gone, 
the streets are clear the lines aren't long,  
Yea, Yea the bratty kids are gone." 
(Sung to "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead")

I love kids, especially when I can't see them.  Behind locked doors of the schools is the best place for them.  They can finally absorb the low quality education that our government has decided they learn to ensure no child gets ahead.  Now, adults can go to Best Buy and look at the newest video games without being under the scrutiny of these underage seekers of superiority looking for easy prey to defeat online.  "Back, Back to your studies and sexting scandals.  Leave us adults alone!!!!"

That's going to do it for this week's Ten Things Of Thankful.  I did my best to stay away from politics and the world at war, only slipping up once or twice.  (Damn, I'm glad that's over!)  Check out my next posting (Who the hell knows when that will be.), and be sure to visit all the rest of the Ten Things Of Thankful posts for some real thankfulness.