Friday, October 24, 2014

BOO!!! It's Halloween, White House Fence Jumping and Armed McDonald's Security Guards.


Yeah, I know ... you're shaking in your shoes.

'Tis the season to scare and be scared.  The season is right for goblins, demons, witches, werewolves, vampires, zombies, mummies, and all other creatures of the supernatural to come forth and rule the world for an evening.  Halloween is soon to be upon us!

As a child, I used to relish the idea of Trick or Treating.  Living in the country, I never get to take advantage of going out and collecting candy.  My father worked nights most of the time and my mother couldn't drive.  This meant I spent most Halloweens glued to the television watching old black and white monster movies.  Finally, when I turned nine years old, I had my first chance to go out and experience what all the other kids had been talking about for years.

Here are some of the things I learned that evening:

  1. People love to give cheap candy.  Name brands are scarce.  Normally, the cheap varieties of taffy and other teeth pulling chewables await.  This is done to assist the parents in getting rid of the kid's baby teeth without going through the formality of tying a string onto a door knob and watching the child squirm and sweat the final moments before the door is slammed shut.  Damn taffy makers all over the world!
  2. Store bought Halloween costumes are meant to barely survive one evening's journey.  I had a Frankenstein outfit to parade around the city blocks.  One slip on a slick curb and the entire inside seam of the right leg burst apart all the way up to the crotch.  So, I'm saying, "Trick or Treat" with one leg of my costume flapping in the wind.  It did make it much easier to go to the bathroom though, I must admit.
  3. People who give candy can demand your name just so they can put a "Who?" type of look on their face when they realize they don't have the slightest clue as to who you are.  It's almost like they don't care if you're a kid or not, they're candy is reserved only for those they know and no others.  I felt like going back a second time to these folks just so they'd recognize me and feel better about forking over the sweets.
  4. Fat kids have candy given to them by the givers and skinny kids get to reach into the bowls themselves.  I was a fat kid, so I was an immediate threat to the candy bowl.  It was though they thought my hands would grow into gigantic sizes and scoop every bit of candy into my bag, leaving nothing for anyone else.  My hands never grew an inch during Trick or Treating, but my disgust for this type of attitude grew with each stop it occurred.  I remember saying to one giver, "Do make sure Gary gets more than me.  I need more fat friends."  To this day, I wonder if they ever figured out what I was talking about.
  5. Teenagers love to chase younger kids with bags of candy.  Again, being a fat kid, my running speed was equal to that of a crawling baby, especially with a flapping costume leg attempting to wrap itself around both ankles.  I barely made it back to my friend's parents car without having to go home empty handed.  This did help me to validate doing the same to younger kids in the future when I became a teenager.  Besides, who wants a bunch of fat little kids roaming around the neighborhood?
I remember arriving home and my parents mandating a search of my stash.  They picked and pulled some of the primo pieces for themselves, which is still a pisser in my memory.  Not only had they refused to take me, now they were taking some of the booty of my efforts.  I announced my displeasure with their actions, and was quickly sent to bed.

Lying there, I let my anger seep out and the fear seep in.  It was the night of the full moon and it was shining brightly in the window beside me.  Something flew by my window (which I just knew was a vampire bat or a witch riding her broom) and I pulled the magical covers up over my head for protection.  (Yeah, I believed that crap just like you did!)

That was the night I gave my life to Satan and became a worshiper of the devil.  Since then, I've hunted Trick or Treaters all over the world and kidnapped them to later bury them alive.  Then, when the parents would cry on television over their missing children, I'd sit back with my demon cat, Gabriela, and get a stomach ache from laughing so hard.  In fact, your children may be my victims this year ... you never know!  


I know, that's not very funny.

But, it'll teach your ass for giving out cheap candy to fat kids!

By the way, got an extra Snickers lying around anywhere?
"You really don't think he's joking, do you?"
Oh well, enough with the threats and promise.  It's time to be thankful ... times ten thankful that is.  Lizzi and her wandering band remind us that it's time to appreciate what the world presents us with, instead of wishing for what we don't have.  So, without further ado, let us begin our appreciation.

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Keene Pumpkin Festival Riots.  Police had to resort to wearing riot gear to break up a riot in which fires were set, cars were overturned, and rocks and bottles were being thrown.  New Hampshire's public liberal arts college students, and other members of the community, were enjoying the evening's festivities when a few started throwing bottles, rocks, skateboards, and, according to one student,  "Anything they could get their hands on to throw."

A few students were saddened greatly as they feared the night's violence would hinder future expectations, hopes and dreams.  Said one student, "If this keeps the Great Pumpkin from coming this year, I'm really going to be pissed!"

2)  McDonald's Security Guards.  A security guard attempted to get four unruly customers to leave the local McDonald's last week.  However, one of the customers decided to instead start a fight with the security guard.  In an effort to protect himself, the guard shot off his weapon.  Fortunately for the fighting customer, it missed him.  Unfortunately for the female in the bunch, the bullet entered her wrist.  Police arrested all four of the customers.  However, if a lady received millions of dollars for spilling hot coffee in her lap years ago, you can imagine what this one will receive.  If I were the CEO of McDonalds, this is how I'd pay future judgements:

"I'm Next!
White House, here I come!"
3) White House Fence Jumping.  Another idiot has decided to check out his athletic ability and jumped / climbed over the fence surrounding the White House.  A 23 year old Maryland male, Dominic Adesanya, whose life long wish was to make an ass out of himself by participating in D.C.'s latest craze, landed inside the fence and was immediately stopped by White House security with dogs.  Dominic obviously decided to protect his family jewels from the dogs teeth and kicked at them, which netted him assault charges.  (Please, should I get a wild hair and jump over the White House fence, remind me never to kick at the attacking dogs since they're now considered human being by the judicial system.  I always wanted to sing tenor anyway!)

4)  Dancing Helps Teach Math.  A dance instructor is now using her trade to help teach math skills to students.  It seems since the "No Child Gets Ahead" system went into place, children are missing the standard skills necessary to succeed in life.  So, the "1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4", and the occasional "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8" are at least teaching the order of the numbers most children have only heard about.  (God, this is so damn sad ... but true!  No wonder no one can make change these days without a computer telling them how much to give back!)

5)  Britney Spears.  Remember all the troubles this lady went through?  Well, seems Las Vegas is her kind of place.  Originally, Britney signed up for a payday of $30 million dollars for a two year contract there.  However, since she's been so successful, she's been given a raise now totaling $1 million dollars a week.  (Let's see, if I marry a POS scumbag, divorce them, forget to wear underwear and spread my legs getting out of my SUV, and make a fool out of myself daily, perhaps I could earn that kind of money!  Damn, already tried that.  Doesn't happen.)

6)  North Korea.  What's the country that has demonstrated the worst paranoia concerning the Ebola virus?  No, it's not the United States ... it's Korea!  In fact, for fear of the epidemic touching its populace, Korea has announced that NO foreign tourists will be allowed inside of its borders.  There is no word as to how long the fear factor will be in order, nor if even political diplomats will be included.  (This ruins my chances of visiting their fantastic prison system and spending my vacation there.  OMG, I'm so damn disappointed.  Oh well, there's always Central Africa!)
"So, with no one coming in, what do you think
our chances are of being able to get drunk
and get a couple of tickets to New York City?
We'll be back before the ever miss us!"
7)  New York City.  In a related story, New York City now has joined the popularity ranks of the Ebola craze and has its first case on file.  Dr. Craig Spencer tested positive for the virus on Thursday, and will soon have his own fan club of New Yorkers that were afraid they'd be left out of the news craze concerning the epidemic.  Hoping to spread the wealth after treating patients for the virus in Africa, Dr. Spencer's activities included riding the famed New York City subway system and bowling.  (Isn't it nice to know that a New Yorker can be known for his generosity in demonstrating "it's so much better to give than receive?")
"Ebola, Ebola ... who else has got the Ebola???"
8)  Honey Boo Boo Cancellation.  The Learning Channel has temporarily cancelled further episodes of the "...Honey Boo Boo" series due to a love relationship between Honey Boo Boo's mother and a convicted sex offender.  As it's known that "Mama June" is not married, her choice in future mates is in real question.  This has caused TLC to reconsider filming future episodes, especially since the child that was attacked by the past offender was an 8 year old relative of Mama June.  (Can't you just hear Mama June saying, "Well, iffen he was good enough fer her, he's good enuff fer Honey Boo Boo!  Go git cher swim suit on, Honey Boo Boo.  It's time fer pictures!")

9)  Sen. Mitch McConnell.  The long time Senator from Kentucky is building a reputation for himself in his home state by running one of the dirtiest smear campaigns in state history.  A campaign is so negative it is beginning to turn his support voters to the opponent.  Well known for this type of tactic working for him in past campaigns, the senator has authorized numerous ads depicting Alison Grimes as a pawn of President Obama, a traitor to her fellow Kentuckians, and the biggest liar in political history.  This campaign has become ridiculous, with 9 out of 10 ads smearing Grimes instead of telling what Mitch could or would accomplish, that even fellow Republicans are sick of seeing them on television.  (Yes, Mitch, I said, "Turning your supporters away!  You're proving that you've something to hide with your Senate residency.  We're sick of hearing this crap on television.  Just admit that you are both political scum, accept it, collect all the special interest money that's made you a millionaire many times over, and shut the hell up!")
"Space ... my new
frontier.  These are the
voyages of the Mars crew
O'Donnell's damsels.  Their
mission, to boldly go where
no man has ever gone
before ... nightly!"

10)  Female Mars Crew.  Studies have found that women expend half the  calories of men in space missions.  Thus, half the food would be necessary.  Half the food would mean half the weight.  NASA is considering an all women crew on a future mission to Mars because of this.  (Already, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Anderson Cooper have volunteered.  "Enjoy the trip!")  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

And that's going to do it for this edition of 
"Ten Things Of Thankful."  

Remember, this Halloween, 
when the kids come in from Trick or Treating
 and are all smiles and giggles,



P.S.  As I wrote this on Thursday evening, a couple of events took place that need further review.  I apologize for the added length, but here are those items.

11)  Man Attacks Police In New York City.  Four rookie policemen were the target of a man and his hatchet.  As the police officers walked down the street, a man crouched down, pulled a hatchet from his backpack, and charged at the group.  Injuries were sustained by one of the officers before the attacker (a recent convert to Islam) was shot and killed.  (I'm sure the officers heard the attacker scream, "Damn you, the United States, and the Great Pumpkin!")

12)  Night Owling Is Good For You.  According to studies at several European universities, being a night owl is a good thing.  These studies show that Night Owls are: 1) More Creative, 2) Have a Higher I.Q., 3) Benefit from Night Strength, 4) Score Higher on General Intelligence Exams, and 5) Can Remain Mentally Alert for More Hours Than Early Birds.  (Being a Night Owl, I wholeheartedly concur.  Please excuse me, though.  It is now time for my nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)


(Okay, this time I'm gone for sure!)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Ebola Returns, Beer Girls Reign Supreme, and other weird El Toro Defecation

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If you were one of the lucky ones that read my last post, you got to peruse my ramblings concerning Ebola.

If you are one of the unlucky ones today, you'll soon be reading a little more.

Seems that we have now had over 4,000 people in the world die of Ebola.  A special envoy to the United Nations, David NaBarro, has not only stated that the number of Ebola cases are doubling every 3-4 weeks, but has more than hinted at dire consequences for the world's population unless countries work together to end this virus immediately.  

Seriously, this one seems like it could be the one to finally thin out the world's population and get it back to a manageable level.  And, if we're lucky, the stupid will be the one's to go.

Now, please, don't tell me you never wished that you never had to stand behind a person in the grocery or department store line that couldn't understand their credit card was maxed out and still wanted to run it over and over and over, like it was going to magically change in the next two or three minutes.  Duhhhhhhh!

Iffin' ya don't have enyone comin'
ya don't need enyone ta wait on 'em!
Enyone hear Ol' Sam stirrin' in his grave?
Of course, Wal-Mart will go out of business without stupid people to shop there.  However, since many of the employees also fall into the "stupid" category for working for slave wages, it won't create that much of an employment problem.  McDonald's will be another casualty for the same reason.  If you can't figure out the reason I've just discussed, you may join them soon!

Guess you'll never get that $15 an hour job now, 
will you?

Since crowds will be extremely susceptible to transmitting the Ebola virus, St. Louis protests will soon end as there won't be anyone left for the police to shoot!  The trinity of the "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed" crowd (Sharpton, Jackson, and Don King), their voices droning like foghorns in the night, will also pass into an afterlife of inflated egos and human waste.

Lottery ticket sales will flourish at funeral homes with those wanting 
to guess who will be next!  

"Come and see those that die, before you or me say a final bye bye!
Only $5 a chance!"

Most importantly, governments will falter as political seats find themselves without bodies to fill them.  A two thirds majority will become impossible after the first filibuster by an infected party official.  Oh, the hierarchy of each nation will remain intact for a while, but even they will succumb when baby kissing becomes a dangerous act of criminal intent.

Without the huge population demands, the Earth will once again begin to heal.  Forests will replenish themselves and the air will clear.  Global Warming will become a dreaded nightmare of the past.

 People, learning that there is danger in numbers, will seek out their own territory and become self sufficient, providing crops to nourish their families.  It will be a time of returning to the basics.  Peace will be found in the solitude of no Rap Music, as well as in the necessary efforts for self survival.  

And, what of the Ebola?  Oh, it will still be lurking in the shadows, reminding those who remain of the terrible dangers society can bring forth.  As it was created to destroy, it awaits a time to reappear and do its dirty work ... when the need arises.  

Or, will it?

But, enough on Ebola!  It's time to be thankful ... ten times thankful ... or thankful times ten, if you will.  Time to cast away doubts and fears and worries of Ebola and the death that awaits us all.


This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  Nielson Ratings.  For the last seven months, a technical error has caused the Nielson Ratings to "misattribute" ratings points.  Of course, the folks at Nielson don't really look at this as a major problem.  However, the programs sponsors are totally pissed off that the money they paid to advertise may not have been properly spent for the audiences the shows were supposedly getting.  Networks are also somewhat upset that several new shows that have already been cancelled might not have deserved the cancellations.  

Up for next season is the Nielson Wheel Of Fortune!  Contestants will spin the wheel for the ratings points that each new show will receive, regardless of the quality of the programming.  An anonymous Nielson spokesperson stated, "Hell, we've done that for years on cable.  How else would you explain the audience shares of "Honey Boo Boo" and the Kardashian clan?"  

2)  Landon Donovan.  After more than a decade playing for the United States World Cup Soccer Team, Landon was cut from this year's squad.  Needless to say, he's pissed about it. 

Not knowing anything about soccer, I can say, "I feel his pain", but really don't give a damn about it.  The only thing worse than running back and forth, kicking a white ball for two hours is spending thousands of dollars on an electric cart, specialized clubs, and designer outfits to sweat off one's ass in the sun for four hours hitting a damn white ball with metal clubs.

But, then again, there are beer girls on golf courses!

The hell with fore ... I'd be happy with two!

3)  Kim Jong Un.   North Korean President, Kim John Un, has come out of his seclusion, where he has been since September 3rd.  Upon entering the sunlight, the president saw his shadow, so another six weeks of Winter is anticipated ... in advance.

4)  James Holmes.  This is the Colorado movie shooter that shot and killed 12 individuals, and wounded dozens more during the opening of a "Batman" movie.  No, James still hasn't gone to trial.  He's now taking a second group of tests to determine if he's insane or not.  Some say to kill people you must be crazy.  So, using that philosophy, anyone that murders is insane and should not be given the death penalty.  And, we as a society, would have to be crazy to put him to death for his acts.  At least, that's a common viewpoint these days.

Now, not being one of the politically correct and believing that a person is responsible for their actions, especially those as well thought out as our Mr. Holmes', I say, "Die you bastard, die!"   Of course, if many politically correct individuals have his way, James will be paroled in time for the next Batman movie release.  

Can you say, "Deja Vu", boys and girls?  "Bang, Bang!"

5)  Sharknado.  A real sharknado seemed to take place on the North Carolina coast this week, as over one hundred sharks went into a bluefish feeding frenzy.  Although still in the ocean waves, many seemed to beach themselves chasing the sushi delicacies.  
As you can see, stupid people did go wading with the sharks.  Let's see, feeding frenzy animal known to bite at anything, wading where one cannot move as quickly as normal, and not just one but over 100 of the jaws gnashing about ... sure, that's where I want to go wading!  And that, boys and girls, made the sharks very, very happy.  

On tap for next week, 
"North Carolina resident attempts to sue shark for accidental bite!"
by C.U. Incourt
"Hopping on the beach" by Amp U Tee

6)  Joan Rivers.  "Can we talk?"  Finally, the cause of death to the star has been announced.  They've now figured out that a lack of oxygen to the brain.  One scientist is debating this claim stating, "No oxygen to the brain ever stopped Jay Leno!"

7)  Halloween.  Only a couple of weeks away, the night of spooks, goblins and all types of monsters arrives (unless you live in Washington, D.C. where it's a daily way of life).  Unfortunately, I no longer get scared.  People have jumped out at me and screamed at me for years without any result.  I've wasted time in supposed haunted houses while ghost hunting, where the scariest part was wondering what was out in the woods when I stepped outside to have a cigarette or take a leak.  I think 34 years of being married to the same woman and seeing her without make-up too many times to count has something to do with my numbness.  Still, it's a nice night to go to the movies until all the kids are done with their trick or treating, especially since both activities cost the same these days.  And, one never has to be accused of child abuse while sneaking up behind them with an axe and a hockey mask.  
What?  Me use cocaine?
Why, I've never smoked it in my life!

8)  Hunter Biden.  The son of the Vice President of the United States has been discharged from the U.S. Navy for testing positive for cocaine.  Unlike other military personnel that test positive for illegal drugs, Hunter received an honorable discharge.  Some are calling this "favoritism" and "playing politics", while others are extremely upset.  White House officials are saying that both the President's and Vice President's eyes are extremely red over the matter.  Tears are the suspect, as sniffing behind closed doors seem to have been the norm for several days.  In other news, the Presidential duo just completed a 5 mile run in 2 minutes, setting the fastest time for any president/ vice president team.

9)  Fall Weather.  No longer does one have to sweat and stink like a pig in heat.  Fall weather is upon us, which means jackets and a briskness that revives one's inner instincts to stay in bed longer in the morning.  (And, don't tell me you've never waited until your spouse went to the bathroom first so you didn't have to be the one to warm up the cold as ice toilet seat!)   

10)  Michael Jackson.  Forbes just released their list of top earning dead performers and guess who came in at the top of the list?  Yep, Michael Jackson.  Even dead, the superstar brought in over $140 million last year.  Elvis came in second with $55 million.  Fleetwood Mac was also high on the list until someone finally discovered they weren't actually dead yet ... just suffering from charging too much for ticket prices!

And, that's gonna do it for another week.  See you soon!


Friday, October 3, 2014

Ebola, Beheadings, and Toys R Us ... Damn, I'm Thankful!

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A woman has been beheaded in the United States.

It wasn't done with a sword.  Instead, a knife was used.  Obviously, it wasn't done in one swift chop.  Unless, of course, it came from a set of Ginsu Knives from television advertising past.

This event wasn't televised.  Nor, was it an example of Isis terrorist activity.

It was one disgruntled employee with a knife that  ... well, who knows what he was thinking!  Some say it was racially motivated.  Others believe it was a retaliation for religious comments made.  

This might be carrying political correctness a bit too far!

The alleged murderer (like the event wasn't witnessed) is a recently switched over Muslim.  The French were mostly Catholics during the guillotine beheadings during the French Revolution, so I really don't believe religion has much to do with it.  

Neither did Madame DeFarge. 

 (That one is lost on you if you never read "A Tale Of Two Cities.")

The alleged murderer's mother states that her son is a good boy, not prone to violent behavior.  He, of course, has a history of criminal activity, including assaulting a police officer, but I guess she doesn't believe that is violent.

One wonders where her relevance guidelines are.

They might be the same as the Ebola safety guidelines the Center for Disease Control is utilizing to keep Ebola out of the United States.

Oops!  Guess they didn't work either.

We now have Ebola in Texas.  People in Texas like to say they have everything.  Now, they do!

Perhaps the Ebola will spread to those that believe they are above all others.  
"I come from Africa ...
you suckas gonna die!!

Too bad it wasn't discovered in Washington, D.C.  

If you are sick and wondering if you've picked up the Ebola virus, you probably have.  Don't worry about the symptoms as you'll be dead soon.  

Nice thought, isn't it?

Luckily this virus isn't transported by airborne germs and such.  The Gulf Breezes would spread it across the United States without delay.  

It does make going to sporting events a risk, though.  Seriously, think about the ass that sat behind you last time, screaming his lungs out at the officials.  The back of your hair and neck were recipients of his excess spitting while yelling mode.  If that contains the Ebola virus, you may not score so big next time.

Nothing like spreading a little fear, is there?

Now that I've done my good deed for the day, let's get back to the basics of this post.


As I was simply too busy with end of the month obligations last week at work, and didn't post, I know you've been going through the DT's just anticipating today's entry.

About as much as your desire for Ebola, huh?

Anyway, the Lovable Lizzi and her cohorts are once again providing a forum for our wonderful thankfulness to shine.  

Nice of them to do so before we're all dying of Ebola or beheading, isn't it?

Anyway, let's proceed with what we're all here for!

This Week, I'm Thankful For:

"Oh yeah, We bad, We bad.  What?  Whadaya 
mean passing a joint around can give us Ebola?
1)  Teenage Punks.  Without teenage punks, how would we know the feeling of thankfulness when the law finally does their job and captures these denizens of the crevices of society?  

Yes, the punk that attacked my wife and another employee at the pharmacy at which they work was captured last week.  A mug shot was provided and immediately selected by both victims, to be followed with, "Well, he's in jail now.  Don't feel bad, he's robbed other places and beat up other people, including a bunch of kids.  He'll be put away for a long time."  Since he's fifteen, I imagine he'll be released upon his eighteenth birthday, which means he'll only have served a little over two years for his crimes.  

Shame, I'd have given him the death penalty, or at least provided him with the same beatings he gave others.  I know, "he's had a bad childhood and society's to blame."  Sorry, but a person has to take accountability for their actions, regardless of whatever excuse you'd like to provide them.  Perhaps he'll fall in love with his cell partner, have a sex change operation, and be a loving mother the rest of his life to some street punk that needs to have his ass beat.  Okay, damn it, one can dream can't he!

2)  A.I.D.S.   The origin of A.I.D.S. has been traced to it's source.  Kinshasa, in the Democratic Republic of Congo, is the city that the epidemic started.  Now, all they have to do is to figure out which monkey clan was selling itself out as hookers and the real source will finally be found.  On a related note, gay citizens of San Francisco have been seen wiping their brows in relief and saying, "At least they can't blame it on us anymore!"

"What do you mean if I don't get this shot
I might die of Ebola?  I thought it was a flu shot!"
3)  Flu Shots.  The Center For Disease Control has issued a stern warning about getting flu shots this year.  They're stating that everyone needs to get their annual shot as the flu virus is just waiting to strike as the months start to chill down.  With such a sincere effort to make sure all of us get them, one might tend to wonder about Ebola more and more.  Of course, since we'll all soon be dead from the virus anyway, why worry?

4)  Hong Kong Protestors.  These protestors have cut off talks with the Hong Kong government officials, better know as Chinese Mafia Crime Lords, as the discussions were far from reaching a democratic solution.  Of course, this is somewhat hypocritical considering that democracy is what is at question, but who am I to doubt the sincerity of the talks.  After all, I reside in a country that only allows you to pick its leaders from two like individuals that have the same agendas in providing everything for big business and the rich and eliminating the middle class.  Wouldn't a true democracy be nice?

"Mommy, I Gotta Go
To The Woods!"
5)  Eric Frein.  This is the individual that killed one state trooper and wounded another in an attack on their barracks three weeks ago.  With all the equipment the police and FBI have, he has eluded capture by hiding in a forest land.  The police have consistently stated they are getting closer and closer to finding him, yet he remains at large.  Recently, police have been getting DNA samples from some diapers found in the woods.  It's my guess they're trying to determine if they belong to Frein, or if bears have gotten more sophisticated over the years and really do shit in the woods (in diapers).

6)  Alzheimer's Disease.  Swiss and American researchers have determined that certain characteristic traits may increase a person's chances of contracting Alzheimer's Disease.  These traits show up particularly during the person's 30's and 40's.  High emotional stress and the feeling of being unsociable were two of the primary traits stated that women need be aware.  Or, as one might say, "Stop being a bitch and chill out!!!"

7)   Toys R Us.  A New Jersey mother has filed an 80 million dollar lawsuit against Toys R Us over a toy watch that she says leaked corrosive liquid and burned her child's arm.  The toy was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wristwatch that was purchased last Easter.

"What do you mean volcanoes?  I always
thought I looked like Rob Lowe!"
Look, nothing against the kid, but he probably never took the watch off.  Digital batteries are known for leaking after being submerged in liquid repeatedly.  We just got done with Summer, which means swimming, hosing, sweating, and plenty of baths and showers.  Why in the world don't you take the damn thing off the kid every once in a while and check it.  Isn't that what a parent should do, or at least one that is accountable for the safety of her child?  Or, would that be too much damn work?  Oh, yeah, I know, you're in your 30's and suffering from emotional stress and unsociable feelings.  You forgot!  C'mon, damn it, admit it, you screwed up!  Geeeesh!!!  Whatta Bitch!!!

8)  The Man In The Moon.  Researchers from MIT are stating that the Man In The Moon is not an actual man's face at all.  Rather, the patterns were formed by volcanic eruptions during the moon's ancient past.  Says the cow, "Damn, you mean I've been jumping over that S.O.B. for years and it's just volcano's?"

9)  The Baltimore Orioles and the Detroit Tigers.  This week, the Detroit Tigers were beaten by the Baltimore Orioles in the American League Division Playoffs.  Said one fan, "Who cares?  We're all gonna catch Ebola and die before the World Series is ever played anyway!"

10)  Driver in Clown Mask Hits Cyclist.  This week, a pick-up truck driver in a clown mask intentionally hit a cyclist.  The driver later claimed it was a case of mistaken identity.

Damn it, I told him to hit the ass on the red bike that intentionally rides his bike in the center of the lane, doing 20 mph in a 45 mph zone.  That sucker has made me late for work six times in the last month as he peddles along, in his cute little yellow and green cycling outfit, thinking he owns the damn road.  I just wasted $50 on this idiot that turned out to be colorblind and couldn't tell yellow and green from purple and red.  What an idiot I hired.  Next time, I'll do it myself.  Damn!

Oh, sorry about that .....

And that's another edition of Ten Things Of Thankful.  Hope you enjoyed!  If so, please feel free to leave wonderful comments below telling everyone how great you now feel since you've indulged your dark side once again.

Till next time ...     


Friday, September 19, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "Honey, Sit Down ... The Hell With What Kanye Says!"

As you might discover, I'm fairly adept at recognizing El Toro defecation.

No brag, just fact!

Like you, I sometimes find myself watching people and just shaking my head at their actions.  I used to concentrate on just the public figures while thinking, "Damn, don't these people realize they're in the public eye?"

Then I decided that they thought being in the public eye meant you had to do something extremely stupid just to stay in the public eye.

No, shame is no longer a factor.

Enter the egotistical Kanye West, for example.  

I know, you'd rather not take him anywhere, much like myself, but let's use him as a focal point.

In a recent concert, Kanye was filmed stopping the show because he wanted everybody on their feet for him.  He even went to the extreme of questioning handicapped individuals with prosthetics and in wheel chairs to see if they couldn't stand for him.

If I had been in attendance (probably an after death pit of Hell experience for French kissing my pillow during a nocturnal event of my youth), These are some of my replies to your commands to rise up.
  1. Give me a quality performance to make me want to rise up and do something besides punch your egotistical mouth!
  2. I paid way too much for this seat and you're not going to get me out of it!  Lower ticket prices and I'll consider your asinine request!
  3. I'll be happy to rise if you'll come over here and kiss my ass!
  4. How many times do you have to open your mouth to prove to yourself you should've kept the thing shut?  
  5. What? Are you pissed off that your kid is already exhibiting signs of intelligence that surpasses yours?
  6. Why don't you, Molly Citrus and Justa Beaver all get together and take a long standing room only journey on the next Malaysian Airlines flight?
  7. What? Did Kim finally agree to give you a BJ if you could get everybody standing?
  8. Take a look in the mirror so you can actually see the only person that loves you!
  9.  It's been said that men with small penises actually speak the loudest.  Now, what was that you were saying?
  10. Rap with me now:  "If all ya gonna do is give us some crap, who the hell cares about you 'n yer rap.  You say that you gonna stop the band, iffin' all of us don't get up and stand.  I'm tired of your mouth flappin' in the breeze, so why don't you fly away to the trees.  Let's get us some talent up on the stage, someone whose brain is free of the haze.  Goodbye, Kanye, your time is no more.  See you next time, Kanye, stocking shelves in the store.  Good buh, Good buh, Good buh I say.  I'm lookin' for talent, so's gets outta the way!   Yo Yo!!   Oh, and there's no such damn word as conversate!  It's converse, dummy, converse!"
From his words and actions, I'm sure Kanye believes himself to be God's gift to mankind.  Sad thing is no one else believes that except those boo birds from the video.  However, from his statements after Hurricane Katrina to this escapade, Kanye continuously proves that money doesn't bring intelligence, just publicity.  

But enough of Kanye and his foolish life.  It's time for thankfulness!

I'm thankful for many things this week.  But, one that goes without saying, is the thankfulness of this group that allows me to go to the extremes of sarcasm post after post.  I know I offend, from time to time, but many of you still come back for more.  For that, I am very thankful.

So, without further ado, this week I'm thankful for:

1)  The CIA.  Well, according to secret disclosures, the CIA has secretly stopped spying on friendly governments in Europe.  Of course, the spying was supposed to be secret, but was discovered in several Germany / U.S. fiasco's.  So, a secret memo was secretly passed down by secret heads of state and secret chains of commands to secretly stop the secret spying.  One secret  source, who remains secret due to the secret nature of his secret position, secretly announced that these secret stand-downs generally don't last long.  But don't repeat that ... it's a secret!

2)  Secession.  According to a recent poll, one in four Americans are willing to have their state secede from the current government in Washington, D.C. and operate on their own.  Folks, that's 25% of all Americans (legal Americans, that is) are so fed up with Washington, D.C., regardless of the party, that they want out!  Personally, I'd like to see several states do exactly that, but that would put Mitch McConnell out of a job after over 30 years of misappropriating our tax dollars for pet government projects and negative campaign tactics.  And, as we all know, we must take care of Poor Mitch!   (Perhaps we could get him a secret job in the CIA in a secret place thousands of miles away!  Shhhhh!    Don't tell ... that may soon be a secret, too!)

3)  Aussie Police.  Over 800 Australian Police were used to arrest 15 people thought to be part of an ISIS plot to behead citizens in all areas of Australia.  Out of the 15, two have been detained and the other 13 released.  Dunkin' Donuts spokespersons state, "Our business plummeted with the officers being deployed elsewhere.  If an ISIS member ever comes in here, there's no way we'll ever give them a discount!"

4)  Miley Cyrus.  Yes, Miley Cyrus is in trouble again!  Damn, I'm so sick of this I don't even feel like writing about it.  Tell you what, you write the rest and be sure to make it funny.  Here are the lines to do it on: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5)  Home Depot.  Yes, if you've purchased anything in the last year at Home Depot by using a credit or debit card, you may be at risk.  Over 56 million credit cards have been breached by a malware program in Home Depot's system.  Although Home Depot seems only concerned about how the breach will affect their business, consumers are more concerned about how the breach will hit them.  So, if you happen to see 17 electric drills, 14 garden hoes, and 42 bags of concrete charge to your card, acknowledge that you may be a victim of this breaching, instead of married to a spouse that is secretly planning to make you a permanent resident under the new driveway.

6)  Scottish Independence Vote.  The majority says no to a tune of 55% to 45%.  Mother England will stay the parent and the Scots will remain as they have been for hundreds of years.  Some like it, some don't.  All I know about Scotland is that it's damn cold in Dundee in November, and anyone that will wear a kilt in that weather has all of my damn respect!

7)  America's Got Talent.  AGT crowned a new winner this week.  It was Franco the Magician.  No one really cared as you seldom see them after the program ends, anyway!  The second runner up, Emily West, had just released an album last year that would put you to sleep if you allowed it, so a little magic might not be a back thing to keep one awake!

8)  Clear Channel Radio Stations:  These are part of a chain that play the same music day after day after day.  If you're in retail, and happen to be hexed with a manager that insists on one of these stations filling the air, just remind them that at about the same time Clear Channel started broadcasting, mass murders increased 62%.  If you say it with a grimace on your face, a growl in your voice, and a gun in your hand, you just might be able to change channels to something more listenable.

9)   Second Languages.  Anyone that has ever sold anything can tell you that a couple from another country will revert back to their own language to hide their comments from you.  I find that being able to speak Italian allows me the opportunity to talk to them in my language.  When they don't understand and act confused, I can always get them to go back to English immediately, as no one likes to look the fool. Second languages are indeed a great equalizer!  But, what the hell is this pig Latin crap???

10)  The United States Congress.  There's a saying that goes something like this, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Decades ago, the U.S. provided guns and weapons to rebels to assist them in fighting the Russians.  Many of these rebels later became a terrorist group and rammed jets in the World Trade Center and Pentagon.  We have fought them for years in Iraq and Afghanistan, and many still remain our most sincere enemies.  

So, what does Congress decide to do this week?  Yep, supply weapons to Syrian rebels!  I guess today's politicians are trying to set up the future for big business war machine producers who are always looking for a battle to supply weapons.  Like I said, "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."  Perhaps we should check out the medical marijuana restrictions in their states to see who has short term memory problems and who don't!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Well, that's going to end another edition of Ten Things Of Thankful.  If we all don't get blown up, I'll be back with another edition in the near future.  


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful ... or, "How To Get Your Neighbor To Go To Walmart For You"

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Have you ever watched the movie The African Queen?

No, it's not about the guy and monkey that started Aids a few decades ago.

The African Queen is a tale of a couple that face tragedy, survive a long and hazardous journey, and find love and devotion to each other.  It stars Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn as a couple that face swarming mosquitoes, numerous wild animals, and a rive filled with dangerous rapids.  

Okay, so why the movie review?  

The African Queen has reminded me how similar the roads are that we travel during our daily lives, unless, of course, you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth.  First, there's going to be decisions to make and adversity to face.  Next, the road to recovery or better living must be traveled.  Finally, you can sit back and relax while enjoying the fruits of your labor.

Almost sounds like a morning dump, doesn't it?  You strain like crazy, make a decision as to when your body says, "All done", and then get on with the rest of the morning. (Unless you've eaten something that totally disagrees with you the night before and then there's many return journeys.  lol)

Maybe, just maybe, you'd like to consider it more like picking the kids up at school.  You fight traffic to get there, wait in what seems to be an endless line of minivans and SUV's, and finally get to scream at the kids to hurry up and close the damn door before the rain soaks the seats.  Ahhh, the enjoyment of being a parent!

It could even be like the physical act of lovemaking to a partner with whom you're stuck with for decades. The only difference here is that the decision is mostly made out of obligation, the road traveled doesn't bring new experiences, and the cigarettes taste the same as they would if you'd never embarked upon the excursion to begin with.  (That make you want to get old, doesn't it?)

I could describe one more comparison with masturbation, but I think you get the point!

See ... "Trial ... Effort ... Success!"  "Beginning ... Middle ... End!"

Or, one might even consider reading this as the same.  You've just endured the beginning.  Now, the middle is coming up.  Some of it will be easy.  Some of it won't be easy.

This has been the toughest part for me.  Of course, I haven't written the rest yet, so who really knows what the toughest part will end up being.  As in life, we can only judge the degree of the difficulty from those we've already experienced.  That's why perceptions can be so deceiving and completely screw up endings.

Perhaps discussing masturbation would be more fun.   Hmmm ...

Yet, if a person was bold enough to write a Ten Things Of Thankful post about the experience of masturbation, they might either be asked to never come back, or, perhaps, to lead an instructional course on the topic.  
That could be the start!  The middle could be what you make it!  And, the end, well, the end could be messy.  

So, let me swallow my pride and continue onward to the middle, better known as:

"Today, I'm Thankful For These Ten Things ..."

1)  CVS Pharmacy.  This pharmacy chain is making a big deal about doing away with cigarettes in their inventory.  In their recent television commercial blitz, they state they're doing it for health reasons.  What a bunch of El Toro defecation!!!  Let's tell it like it is.  CVS found that with their high costs for tobacco products, people were buying them elsewhere.  Of course, that's not surprising as CVS is one of the most expensive pharmacy chains in the United States today.  If this chain was so health conscious, they'd stop increasing the size of their liquor department (which is responsible for more "Caused and related deaths" than tobacco annually), provide proper security for their store employees (since they're dealing with more and more robberies ... common to liquor stores), and stop making claims that only show them for the liars they are.  In fact, they even keep the stores open after the pharmacy closes just to dip deeper into the alcohol sales market.  Sorry, CVS, you're not even good at covering up.  Time to hire a new marketing department!  Oh, that's right, they now work for Cosco, don't they?

2)  Ray Rice & wife, Janay.  Baltimore Ravens running back, Ray Rice, was shown in a video (released this week) practicing his boxing skills on his wife's chin.  Bad thing was they weren't in a boxing ring.  Instead, this took place in an elevator that just happened to have a security camera filming the incident.  

The NFL immediately suspended Rice indefinitely because of this.  

Now, his wife is condemning the NFL's actions and saying that the press was the reason for everything happening.  Let's see, a couple of good punches, a knockout, and a count beyond ten was all the fault of the press.  C'mon, folks, you can do better than that!  Sounds like she was more than happy to divorce his ass as long as he was working and could supply a huge meal ticket. However, since there's no longer any money coming in, she's coming to her "non-senses" and talking about what a beautiful relationship they have.  

So, shed the "Professional Football Player and wife" category and enter 
the "Wife Beater and Money Grubbing Bitch" spotlight!!!  

Isn't love beautiful?
"And for my next song, here's
one I wrote last night."
"You're not much, Bubba, but
you're better than batteries!"

3)  Taylor Swift.  Would you believe that Taylor Swift hasn't dated in over a year?  Perhaps it's because everyone's she's ever dated and broke up with has had a nasty song written about them and no one else wants to make the TS Asshole List.  Sounds like she's getting ready to write some new songs based on her recent, multi platinum, one night stands, though. I hear the album title is tottering between "How Swift Is Swift" or ""Nail Taylor Again."  

4)  President O-Bam-Bam-A.  As you know, I don't like politicians, regardless of the party.  But, what makes me sick is when a politician parades around on television like he's the one that thought of everything, when we all know any central political figure is surrounded by many just as politically tainted and common sense ignorant as he.  Anyway, a major element in war is the element of surprise.  Don't let your opponent know what you're going to do and you keep them wondering.  

So, what does our wonderful President do?  Of course, he get's on TV and broadcasts a major statement as to what our plans are (and will be) against Isis!   What does this guy think, that the television broadcast won't be seen or heard by any of the enemy???  No, he didn't give any definitive dates or times, but he did give them a much broader understanding as to what paths we may be traveling.  One might say enough time to develop obstacles for us to have to overcome and cost American fighting men and women their lives.  

Thanks, O-Bam-Bam-A!  Whose side did you say you were on?  Oh yeah, you got that
 procedure out of the "How to Fight a War and Make Corporations Rich" written by our last president, George "When's My Next Vacation" Tush.  'Nuff Said!!!

"Here's my South African
justice, baby!"

5)  South African Justice.  Oscar Pistorius was proclaimed innocent of murder this week, proving once again that if you want to end a relationship without having to deal with a money grubbing gold digger, the easiest way to do so is with a pistol. At least, that's the way he tells it.  Of course, one must be an international figure and have millions of dollars in the bank, but the gifted life can be yours if you so desire.  Funny ... I didn't see any rioting there after the decision was read.  Oh yeah, that only happens in countries where the populace is primarily supported by government assistance and doesn't have to go to work to earn a living.  

6)  Olive Garden Restaurants.  The chain's loss of profits seem to have investor's so worried, they hired an efficiency group to come in and make recommendations.  One of these brilliant observers states that there are too many wasted breadsticks.  The chain's official policy is to only bring out one breadstick at a time, but many of the servers brought more.  With this landmark observation, the firm will be able to save enough to pay the cost of the efficiency group's services by the year 2059.

"There's no damn way I'm going
to lick your face, Rich!"
7)  Dogs That Lick Your Face.  Professor Alexandra Horowitz has proclaimed that the reason dogs lick your face leads back to their "wolf" ancestry.  Seems that wolves lick the faces of other wolves to get them to regurgitate food for the rest of the pack.  So, on that note, one could logically assume that if a dog doesn't lick your face after you eat, you may want to consider what you've been consuming!  "No, honey, I'm not knocking how bad you cook again ... the dogs are!"

8)  Dr. Lawrence Cohen.  Joan River's specialist is no longer performing operations or is the director of the medical facility where she had her final operation.  Seems he had another doctor in the operating room who was not authorized by the facility to be present.  Dr. Cohen was last observed running wild from the facility, with his hands clasped firmly over his ears, as reporters bombarded him with, "Can we talk ... really ... can we talk just a minute?"

9)  The Death Trilogy Hex.  As comedians and singers usually seem to die in groups of three, comedy clubs throughout the country are finding it hard to find comedians willing to claim the title of comedian for fear of being the remaining member of the "Robin Williams / Joan Rivers / ?" grouping.  In a related story, Saturday Night Live will be broadcast at its regular time this weekend, as none of those working there have anything to fear from the hex.

"Welcome to Walmart!  
10)  New Walmart Dress Code.  Employees, at the store no one admits to shopping in, Walmart, are once again having to take much of their earned income to purchase new clothes to conform with the new dress code their corporate headquarters has decided to impose upon them.  Since stores in the United States are only required to pay for uniforms, but not clothes that could be worn elsewhere, Employees are complaining that they would never wear a white or blue polo shirt, or khaki or black slacks anywhere else, and that it should be considered a uniform.  Judging from the usual clothing worn by most Walmart employees, the case is under consideration.  

That's going to do it for another Ten Things of Thankful!  

You've now traveled upon today's version of the African Queen.  As Bogey once said,

"Here's looking at you, kid!"


*** BTW ... Many "Serious" Thanks to all of you that have written me about how my wife is doing.  It's been a couple of weeks now and even though the physical hurts have mended, the mental still remain somewhat.  It will be a long road, I'm afraid, until all is once again, if ever, well.  Still, there are times I wonder if it didn't affect me just as greatly as vengeance is still a constant mind companion.  She, and I, do appreciate your concerns, well wishes, and prayers.  Again, Many Thanks!