Monday, April 14, 2014

Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday: The Last Dance



They say it's done, at least for now.

She's tired, stressed, wrinkled brow.

Twisted sometimes, sane with rum,

Some sang loud, for some a hum.

But can we truly say goodbye?

Gloria Gaynor answers way up high.

GLORIA GAYNOR - "Never Can Say Goodbye"

But if it's true and goodbye we sing,

In which manner do we make it ring?

This way or that, so many ways,

Train offers fifty, find one that stays.

TRAIN - "50 Ways To Say Goodbye"

The beauty of the music lingers,

like the beach's sand on dampened fingers.

No matter how hard we shake our hands,

Some grains travel with us to distant lands.

SEALS & CROFTS  -  "We May Never Pass This Way Again"

Don McLean once sang how the music died,

at times it may seem so in the world we reside.

Yet, when one peers deeply into the night,

music, like a candle, flickers bright.

ELTON JOHN  -  "Candle In The Wind"

Realization hits, emotions flare,

The time is close, does anyone care?

Ciao, Goodbye, I bid you adieu,

 Sad farewells, Dylan's words are true.

BOB DYLAN  -  "It's All Over Now Baby Blue"

So, has it died, these tunes we've shared,

the new, the old, even some duets prepared?

Is silence now our only friend?

Has the time arrived, the empty end?

The DOORS  -  "The End"

It has to change, we'd never survive,

without the music, no one's alive.

Only temporary, it's got to be,

The future has music, for you and me!

CHRIS REA  -  "Fool If You Think It's Over"


Friday, April 4, 2014

Yellowstone Super Volcano? What happens if ... (Fiction?)

“Vile, despicable creatures of the Earth … rise up and take your place amongst the living!”

Well, it sounded like a great first line to get attention.

Now, if there was only someone alive to read it.

The super volcano in Yellowstone National Park erupted one week ago, emptying its’ guts of ash and lava.  There is no more Central United States.  Gone is the only way to describe it.  

Yeah, none of us, if there really is someone out there besides myself still alive, have a clue as to what’s going on in the way of rescue efforts, if there are any taking place at all.  Doesn’t much matter as we’ll all be dead soon.  Air is so toxic to breathe anymore being filled with the ash all the time.  If we don’t suffocate, we’ll starve as there’s at least seven feet of ash covering the ground.  And, "No", you can't ski atop it.  

The shock waves shook the house like a 7.0 earthquake that April morning.  It was only a week, but seems so long ago.  I first thought one of the planes that flew overhead on its final landing approach to the airport had crashed prior to reaching the runway.  Power went out immediately.  I figured the lines had been slashed by the airliner.  It happened just as I was right in the middle of blow drying my hair for work.  “Oh well, late again” I figured.

Could It have erupted here in Yellowstone?
We'll never know!
It was the silence that followed that got me.  Silence after everyone shut off their damn car alarms that had been set off by the shock.  Slowly, as one by one they were shut off, the silence took over.  Eerie, almost, like something bad was going to happen.

If we’d only of known the truth of the matter, we might have been more than a little scared.

I finished dressing in the early morning light and made my way outside to survey the damage.  I didn’t see a damn thing there out of the normal.  So, I got into my car and drove on to work, or, I should say, “…tried to drive on to work.” 

I couldn’t go far.  Traffic was snarled up as all the stoplights were powerless.  Hell, I turned around and figured I’d go in later after the power came back on.  I couldn’t do anything there without power, anyway.  We've since surmised that the entire United States power grid was taken out.  And me without batteries ... of course.

Mt. Vesuvius erupted in the 1800's and ash was
spread for miles.  This would only be a pinprick
to a super volcano in Yellowstone.
The neighbors were standing outside when I drove back up into my driveway.  Common chit chat was replaced with questions concerning the noise we’d heard and the loss of power.  None of us knew a thing.  Finally, it hit me to pull out a laptop and turn it on.  Then I remembered that without power, I had no cable, which meant no Internet! 

The stupidity of my actions just pissed me off even more.  About that time, the emergency sirens began to scream out their slow, drawn out moaning.  Later in the day, local police cars were patrolling and announcing through their public address loudspeakers about the volcanic eruption of Yellowstone Park.  We were told to stay in our homes.  Little did we know they were to become our caskets.

My wife was at my daughter’s home fifty miles away when the ash started falling.  It was worse than a snow blizzard’s white out as you couldn’t see half a block away.  It just kept coming and coming.  I watched it, alone, from inside my house, as it climbed in depth from one foot to three, then to five, and then to the top of my picture window. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t going anywhere.

The geysers should've provided plenty of warning.
Was it ignored?
That was a week ago.  The days have passed slowly … so slowly as I can only sit and wait for the end to occur.  We never kept much food around, and I’ve already gone through everything that’s edible.  Even my supply of Diet Cokes is dwindling.  Having an allergy to white enriched flour has helped some as it puts me to sleep less than a half hour after I eat it.  So, I've slept a lot!  Woke up several times in the dark, thinking I was dead.  Kind of wish I was.

I’ll never see my wife again, at least, not in this world.  I don’t know if she’s dead or alive right now.  I hope she’s not suffering in either case.  I miss her.  It just doesn’t seem right not to be together at the end.  Still, she’s with her daughter, so at least she’s got someone to hold on to.

When the end is close, one thinks about all the things they didn’t do, and all the things they wished they’d done.  All the time they’d spent working instead of sharing time together.  All the times a silly spat had separated them as she’d spend the evening in the bedroom pouting, instead of holding each other and appreciating what each had meant to each other.  All the times money had become the major topic of discussion instead of the love they’d shared.  I even regretted all the Sundays I’d slept late so that she and the kids would go to church and I could stay home and enjoy the peaceful moments alone.

Now I was going to die alone.

The ash on the roof is beginning to find its way into the house.  That’s okay, I’ve just about used up all the good air anyway.  I think the ash almost acted as a filter against the falling particles for a while and gave me a few more days of life.  Now, it had decided that it wanted to find out what was living inside the house and end its time.

So, I breathe for the moment.  It won’t be long, I’m sure, before I’m gone.  The ash in the air is starting to get into my lungs.  If it gets too tough, I’ll end it with one of my pistols.  Pistols!  Funny, I thought I’d have to use them to protect myself in case of such a disaster.  Seven feet of ash tend to put an end to anyone trying to break in, that’s for sure.  So, I’ve got over a thousand rounds of ammunition in the house.  Isn’t it ironic that I’ll only need one round to do the job?

If you’re still around in the future and get a chance to read this, I can only hope that you’ll learn the lessons we failed to observe.  Love and appreciate those that mean the most in your life.  Take time to live instead of working all the time.  Enjoy life to the fullest for it is way too short.  And, when it’s over, that’s it … it’s over.

Damn, getting tougher to breathe and darker now. 

What did I do with that pistol?

Afterward:  None of us know if the bison running out of Yellowstone is a warning or a migration.  We do know that Yellowstone houses an amount of magma that could easily create a super volcano.  Should one erupt, life will cease on this Earth as we know it.  Man will survive, but in limited numbers.  Geodesic information has been available for only those with a security clearance since the beginning of the year.  Independents say something is going on.  History proves a thermal blow-out takes place about every 600,00 years.  It has been 640,000 years since the last.  We are well overdue.  

Friday, March 21, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Fred Phelps, NCAA Brackets, Starbucks & Fruit Flies ... but no missing plane!

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Four score and seven years ago …

(No, damn it, I’m not that old.)

… just one of those nights when my attention is diverted elsewhere.

This is the most distracting time of the year for me, being a college basketball die hard fan.  The NCAA Tourney, even though some of the games outcomes are already set up by the NCAA and CBS as to which team will win (in order to keep ratings high for all the advertisers), takes my thoughts from the dimension they normally lie within and scatters them all over the television screen.

(Yeah, like it’s any different than any other time.  Right?)

I can’t help myself.  I am a college basketball fan freak!  The cold sweats and nervous twitches go crazy as the tourney begins!  I’ve loved it all my life and will probably continue to do so until the day I die (which will hopefully come after a tourney championship has been decided, as it would truly suck to end up in Heaven or Hell not knowing the winner).

“Hey, St. Peter … before we go any further with this question and answer sh*t, do you think you could let me know the score to last night’s game?  I’ll make it worth your while … seriously!”

I remember my childhood days of going outside after a huge snow and dribbling the basketball on the snow on my driveway court until it was nicely packed down.  Then, I’d take off my coat and play for a couple of hours, or until my mother came out screaming about being outside without a coat, whichever came first.  And, now one wants a mad, raving, raging Italian mom chasing you outside in the snow.  You might later find yourself nursing a sore butt and eating a dish of pasta with triple garlic or onion powder administered.

So, as I sit here, recollecting what it was like to play basketball in the snow, the 60” television is showing dunks, 3 point shots, and college cheerleaders bouncing breasts up and down that shouldn’t belong to college cheerleaders. (Where were these girls when I was in college?)  And aren’t the uniforms getting more and more skimpy?  (The cheerleaders’ uniforms, that is!)

(God, I love this time of the year!)

And, for those of you that could care less about basketball and are anxiously awaiting a part 2 of the missing plane story I wrote last week, let me just say one thing:

The plane is still missing.

Now, there’s a couple of things for sure by now.  Somewhere, the plane came down, either by crashing or landing.  There’s no damn way it’s still up in the air.  The other thing is that everyone is constantly contradicting what everyone else is predicting.  So, let’s be honest.  No one knows where the hell the plane went!!!  There’s only one thing for sure.

The plane is still missing.

If they’re sitting somewhere, you’ve got to be sure, there’s some really pissed off NCAA Basketball Tourney fans there.  I wouldn’t want to be one of their captors right now.  There’s nothing worse than a NCAA Basketball Tourney fan that doesn’t get a chance to watch the tourney games.  (Well, maybe the Navy Seals or USMC special forces that have to stop watching the games to go rescue their butts, but, besides that, nothing worse.  Well, maybe a mad wife going through the change of life on a hot, summer day, but, besides that, nothing worse.  Well, maybe a mad Italian mother ...)

However, I have the games available to see.  For that, I count my ten thankfuls for the first round of games I get to see.  Ten times I watch the shots, ten times I witness the upsets, ten times I enjoy the games that some cannot see.

The plane is still missing.

Again, Lizzi (who has been stumbling around on one hell of a drunk the last few days) and her stoic squad of hearty supporters (do they still make girdles) bring forth the time of the week in which we can all be thankful, as it is now time for


This week, I’m thankful for:

So what if it's retro!  The damn thing's comfortable!
1)  Waterbed mattresses.  My wife’s mattress, after a torrid affair with her boyfriend (of which she denies), finally decided to share its internal moisture with the outside world.  Yeah, it let loose with hundreds of gallons of water from a split seam!

Now, we still love our waterbeds.  The heater in the Winter, along with the way they contour to one’s body to give proper support, make sleeping a pure blissful experience.  A quick search of the web found a replacement mattress almost immediately.  Even though I’m having to put off getting brakes for my truck (for the second straight year), I was able to order her another motionless one for only $200.  Now, if I can just keep her from dropping pens and combs down inside of the frame (and keeping her boyfriend’s activities at his place), she’ll soon have a mattress to once again enjoy.  (What the hell am I saying???  I’m going to be the one sleeping on the couch while she takes my bed until the replacement gets here!!!  God, the things we do for love.)

2)  Teenager atop WTC.   A sixteen year old boy slid past security guards and climbed ladders and such to arrive at the top of the World Trade Center Sunday.  Why did he do it?  To take pictures, of course!  Police arrested him once they found him and charged him with trespassing.  Police couldn’t believe he’d done it because they had “No Trespassing” signs posted.  (I’d say these are the same cops that couldn’t believe the 9/11 jets hit the towers because they had a “No Hittting Tower With Jets ” sign posted.)

"I wonder if they can bury me with my
cowboy hat on?  Don't I look like that guy
from the Village People???"
3)  Fred Phelps Dead.  The Westboro Baptist Church founder died Friday.  Of course, the church is well known as being the least compassionate church in existence as they obnoxiously protest at funerals of service men, gays, and others throughout the United States.  

We extend a hearty invitation for all gays, bikers, servicemen, and anyone with a shred of common decency to come to the funeral services and protest to their hearts desire.  We’re hoping for a crowd of at least 400,00, whose voices in unison will drown out any of the words spoken at his services.  We wish it to be a true demonstration of Christianity, as it truly is better to give than to receive.  (I just hope he was a NCAA Basketball fan and no one in the afterlife tells him the scores!  muhahahahaha!)

"Whatever happened to the days
 a guy could earn a
quarter the right way ... in
the men's restrooms?"
4)  Man Steals Quarters.  Thomas Rica, a former public works inspector, stole over $460,000 in quarters over a 25 month period of time.  The Ridgewood, New Jersey official would go into the room where they kept money from the parking meters and fill his pockets with quarters.  He’d then go to his bank and deposit them.  (I suspect that one of the bank tellers said, “No, we never questioned how he got all those quarters.  We just figured that he gave one hell of a blow job!  After all, he was a politician!”)

5)  President Obama fills out NCAA Bracket.  So, he likes basketball.  Big deal.  He should be doing more important things.  Who’d he pick to win it all?  Who cares?  Like, he’s going to save the country if he hits a free throw or something.  “Hey, you’re making big bucks.  Get to work!”

6)  California targeted by Cyber-Gangs.  So what?  Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition tells everything there is to know about California every night!  Besides, by the time the criminals get through all the “Hey, Dude’s”, it's old news anyway!  Go to the beach and wait on the tidal wave, folks.  Be happy!

"Wait until next time when they catch us for serving
food that is declared inedible!
Oops!  You mean they already did?   
7)  McDonalds to pay back pay.  New York came to the rescue and got 1,600 workers back pay for work done while clocked out, overtime pay, and uniform cleaning allowance.  When asked what they were going to do with the settlement money, one employee stated, “I’m going to McDonald’s!”  (Now you know why they worked off the clock to begin with!)

8)  Samsung releases new Ultra HD TV’s.  Okay, so it’s curved and is supposed to give you even a better picture.  Next, thing you know, they’ll be coming out with Ultra HD Blu-Ray players, which will make all your current Blu-Rays obsolete.  So, you’ll soon be replacing all of them once again.  From VHS to DVD to Blu-Ray to Ultra Blu-Ray, one might ask, “How many damn times am I going to have to buy the same movie just to watch it when I want?” 

And someone on the missing plane goes, “Hey, you got a different movie?  Do you know how many times they’ve shown us “The Croods”?

9)  Starbucks to sell wine.  Starbucks is going to start selling wine to its evening crowd in select locations soon.  They’ve been experimenting in different markets and find it to be a big seller.  So, they get you drunk, and then make a mint sobering you back up with $4 cups of coffee.  Damn, maybe they’re on to something!

"Okay, Okay!  So some of us can't fly!
Big F***in' Deal!"
10)  Why don't Fruit Flies fall out of the sky.  Scientists have spent thousands of dollars researching Fruit Flies.  More defined, the reason Fruit Flies don’t fall out of the sky.  After all their research, they’ve found out what most of us have known for years.  “The Suckers Fly, Damn It!  They Fly!!!!”

*     *     *     *     *     *

That’s it for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.  I appreciate your attention and effort in getting through this week’s effort.  I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped to watch the games.  So, until next week, don’t forget …

The plane is still missing!

And, if my wife does have a boyfriend, the S.O.B. had better be on it!


Friday, March 14, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: Plane Fly, Plane Disappear, Plane Go Bye Bye!

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There's a plane missing!

No one knows where it's at!

That's why it's missing!

It's been on the news for days!

They're making sure everyone knows about it!


Because there's not enough other stuff to talk about right now!

So, all the news agencies are talking about a missing plane.

Perhaps aliens opened the bottom of their spaceship and swallowed it up.  Now, all of the plane's occupants are awaiting one 83 year old man who barricaded himself in the jet's bathroom and has been there for days.  

Stay out of the little room ... that's where
they sh*t!!!!   

Because he knows a secret no one else does.  

The secret?  Aliens don't go into bathrooms.  After all their experience in anal probing, they have seen what man does with his used nutrition.  For years, they thought it was where man lubricated himself.  

Then, one day, while watching a captured German Shepherd take a crap, one of the aliens looked at his crew mates and said,  "Hey, why are we sticking valuable examination equipment up the asses of humans?"  That's not lubricant, it's sh*t!"

A revelation had been voiced.

The aliens simply want the old man in his seat with his seat belt fastened so as to not go against international safety procedures and laws when they send the plane home.

Still, the old man on the aircraft doesn't believe them.  He feels that an anal probing is waiting outside the door of his fortress.  He has never let his doctor give him a prostrate exam and he'll be damned if any alien is going to go where no man has ever gone before.

And, the plane remains missing.

Or, it may have landed in an alternate universe.  A universe where a plane is a ground vehicle and the jets are used to make giant vats of orange juice.  As the jet engines whine, oranges are tossed in and are immediately shredded and drained into a giant vat to be later divided among the populace that enjoys juice with pulp.

Only 47 more tons of oranges left to go until the juice season is over.  In the meantime, the passengers inside the jet are being served coffee.  None really care for orange juice.

And, the plane remains missing.

Or, Godzilla got tired of chasing around Tokyo and decided to order food to go.  Mistakenly, he saw the plane coming towards him and believed it to be his order.  Jumping out of the ocean, Godzilla snagged the airliner and pealed away the outer metal skin, revealing the screaming fast food treats inside.  Days later, Godzilla returns to his underground cave, filled with FDA approved chemicals and more preservatives than needed to keep him looking great for another 50 years.  The people?  Well, let's just say they found out what it means to be finger lickin' good!

And, the plane remains missing.

It is sincerely a terrible event, especially for the families of those passengers that still lie missing. Truth is, no one knows where the plane is at.  The authorities only know where it's not, and that's at its original destination.  Several countries have stopped searching for it as it's proposed path was changed a few times.  In fact, it may end up being one of 2014's greatest mysteries.

Of course, it would run a distant second place to the first.

Did J-Law fake her fall at the Academy Awards this year, 

or is she really a clumsy drunk from Kentucky?

The World Wants To Know!!!

(At least in some alternate universe they do!)

Then again, most guys just want to see her nude.  

Anyway, let us rejoice and throw our arms and spirits to the sky!  Tis the time of the week we make proclamation of Thankful ... Ten Times Thankful be the theme of those celebrating this joyous occasion!  The revelers are reveling, the drummers are drumming, and the dancers are dancing (perhaps, twerking a bit for the joy of the elderly gentlemen with single dollar bills to share).  

Tis Queen Lizzi and her royal court, presenting the Thankfulness once again.  The royal ladies of court from A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) WallConsideringsFinding NineeGetting LiteralI Want BacksiesMother of Imperfection

RewrittenThankful MeThe Meaning of Me, and the duke of delight from The Wakefield Doctrine all present and accounted for, singing songs of Glee (watch out for copyright infringement, you all).  

So, let us spread our hearts of Thankfulness, Ten Things of Thankfulness, and hope that none fall flat to the stationary line provided by improper cardiac treatment.  Tis time to proclaim:

This Week's Ten Things Of Thankful 
is Open to the World!!!!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  My Ten Year Old Computer.  Twas a funeral for a relative last week,
Of all the computers I've had, this one deserved
a place of honor for its final resting spot.
and a funeral for a true friend this week.  My ten year old Dell PC bit the dust for good on Tuesday.  After publishing last week's post, I had a nightmare of a time just answering my comments (as few as they were) as we fought to extend my dear friends time on this Earth.  We battled day and night from Friday through Monday evening.  However, it was soon recognized that the battle would be lost as rebooting failed to ignite breathing early Tuesday morning.  We held each other tightly during those last moments together.  The warmth it once provided was only a memory as its metal became cooler and cooler to touch.  Finally, with a burst of energy the screen exploded into a million of pixilated colors and then faded from existence. 

 It still remains under my desk as disposing of an old friend seems so cruel.  There are times I gaze at it and recall the good times we had together, as well as the tough times it helped me survive.  "I wish thee well, oh gallant soldier of the computing age.  You fought your battles well and with true pride.  Your service to your brand, as well as those who loved you, demonstrates your constant efforts to please those who pecked at your keyboard.  May you find your 40 virgin capacitors in the next world you visit.  You are very deserving of so much more!"

Excuse me while I weep.

2)  Lovers No More.  The intelligent continue to breed!  A Houston father was awakened by one of his children to be told there was someone in his daughter's bedroom.  Grabbing his shotgun, he entered to find his daughter in bed with an unknown male.  After repeatedly asking his daughter if she knew the male, and listening to her constant denials, the father shot and killed the male when the intruder reached for something the father thought to be a gun.  Turns out the daughter knew the seventeen year old male and there was no gun there besides the father's shotgun.  (First rule: "Never screw around in the bedroom of an underage female when her family is home."  Second rule: "Never screw around in the bedroom of an underage female when her family is home."  Third rule: "Never ...)

3)  Indiana University Basketball.  Let's be blunt, the Hoosiers sucked big time this year.  No consistency, poor shooting, and weak coaching proved that last year's number one team at the end of the regular season could fail miserably the next year.  Not only did they lose many games they were projected to win, they also lost the first game of the Big Ten Tourney.  I still wear my IU T-shirt and sweats proudly ... but not in public.  Living in the home city of the University of Kentucky doesn't make life easy for a Hoosier fan, even in a good year.  At least now I can miss some of the NCAA Tourney and not feel guilty ... DAMN IT!

4)  Iraqi Law to Allow 9 Year Olds to Marry.  A new Iraqi law being considered would allow nine year old females to be married.  It would also allow husbands to demand sexual encounters of their wives whenever they wished.  Women's Rights advocates are calling the law a step backwards for women's rights.  Pedophiles are calling it a law long awaited.  Folks in Mississippi say, "Hell, that's normal 'round hera!  Iffin' a gurl ain't been married at least twice by tha time she's 18, en had at least two babies, she ain't ever gonna mount ta much!

This makes it obvious why Nancy Pelosi hates the
Washington Redskins ... the cheerleaders put her to shame!!!
5)  House Minority Leader Hates "Redskins".   House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, who obviously feels as though her own state is so perfect she can now interfere elsewhere, is making it a personal battle to get the Washington Redskins to change their name.  This time, she's trying to get the patent office to reject patents for any merchandise with the name "Redskins" on it.  (The patent office can reject derogatory and other objectionable named items.)  Many opponents of her attack have stated, "The bitch needs to mind her own business."

6)  GM Non-Deployment Airbags Tied To 303 Deaths.  When a car crashes, airbags are supposed to open.  Unfortunately, past owners of the Chevrolet Cobalt and Saturn Ion didn't always find this the case.  303 deaths are being attributed to this failure, even though GM is only claiming twelve.  Said unknown representatives, "If they are dead they can't testify.  Take that to the bank, suckers!"

Ever wonder why he always has a
blanket in his lap?
7)  Over 100 Bullets In Bin Laden's Body.  it is now being reported that there were two bullets fired to kill the terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, and over 100 fired into it in vengeance over the 9/11 attacks.  Said one of the shooters, "We knew they were going to bury him at sea and we just thought the lead bullets would keep him from bobbing up and down like an apple."  

8)   Plane Crashes.  Another plane crashed in Florida this week after it's landing gear had a tire blow out.  Upon arrival in Florida, after being rescued, passengers were quoted as saying, "Hey, we're not missing! We're not missing!!!!"

9)  Woman Gets 21 Years In Jail.  Hope "The Lady" Kantete, 44, was sentenced to 21 years in jail for leading a carjacking ring that smuggled luxury cars to West Africa.  By our figures, without good behavior breaks, Hope will be out just in time to start collecting Social Security checks.  Basically, the state of New Jersey and the U.S. Government will pay her for the rest of her life by sentencing her as they did.  Nice to know that the rest of us have to work for a living to retire one day, isn't it?
10)  You!  Yes, you, the reader, for once again understanding my plight of working days with hours numbering 11-15 each.  Tis a lousy job for the 8 hour a day mind to endure, but someones got to do it.  And, it pays the bills.   What is doesn't do it allow a lot of time for me to return your kindness and visit your blog as much as I'd love to, and once did for most.  I do appreciate your understanding and generosity.  It means a lot ... seriously!

That's going to end this week's post of Ten Things Of Thankful.  Join us again next week for another thrilling adventure of the Man of Steel and Tonto, or was that Speedy?  Anyway, as a wise man once said:

And the plane remains missing!  


Saturday, March 8, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: A Look at Death and the Academy Awards

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I'm writing this on Wednesday evening.  

(No, I'm not so excited that
 I can't wait to do it.)

Unfortunately, I just received word that a relative of mine just passed away ... kicked the bucket ... hit the final home run ... played his last role in the game of life ... visited his last porn site ... died.

With his funeral on Friday morning, and with me working another 12 hour day on Thursday, there really isn't any way to get this done other than to do it right now.  Thus, here I am.

Don't feel sad for me.  Besides at the funerals of others, I haven't really sat down and talked with him in over forty years.  Oh, he sent me plenty of anti-Obama emails and such (most of which I glanced at and deleted), and even a few of semi clad females. (Of which I must admit, he had a great eye for!)  Still, it has been so long that I've forgotten most of what we used to talk about.

Golf ... that was his passion.  My father could never understand why he loved the game so dearly.  (Obviously, my father never picked up a club in his life.)  But, even during our rare family visits to his home, he always had the Sunday afternoon PGA golf event playing on the television.

So much for my trip down memory lane.  I know I'll change my attitude after visiting and talking with the family.  And, I hope the survive this rough time.

I'm not sure that I'll recognize him.  It's always difficult to see someone lying prone and say, "Oh yeah, he looks so natural!"  How would one know that unless they'd seen him lying prone with his eyes closed multiple times!  Think about it.  How many times have you seen members of your outer family group lying on their backs.  Let me rephrase that question, "How many of you that don't live in Mississippi or Eastern Kentucky have experience seeing members of your outer family group lying on their backs?"  (Well, you know, "If she's good enough for dad ... ")

I have no recollection of ever seeing this relative lying on his back with his eyes closed.  What if I go into the wrong room of the funeral home?  How will I know if I'm looking at the right corpse or not?  

"Wow, you mean this isn't him?  
Damn, looks just like him to me!  
Are you sure it isn't him?"

What really bothers me is when the deceased wears glasses, and they put the glasses on them in the casket!  I've never worn my glasses to bed, so why would I wear them lying on my back in a casket?  Do they think I'm going to pop up and ask for my laptop or something?  What if you were looking down at the deceased and his eyes popped open?  

"Hey, just wanted to see who was visiting!  Wow, you look so natural, too!"

I have a feeling you'd crap yourself.  Then, you'd get to hear the stupid uncle come into the room and say something like, "Damn, who died in here?  What the hell did he eat before he clocked out, anyway?"

Another thing ... have you ever noticed how funerals tend to be judging contests?  It's like American Idol, but here you're rated for you energy level, health problems, and length of term before you're going to be the one everyone comes to visit ... lying prone!  It's kind of like:

"And there he is entering the funeral home!  Looking good, today, plenty of zip to the step.  Oh, he stumbles on the carpet and squints while writing his name in the guest register.  That's a hidden problem, folks.  First the eyes go and then the body!  He's not as good at remembering names of relatives this time around, either!  In fact, I'd say the mind is going fast!  His color is good, so I'm guessing he'll do fine for another year or two of hard work before we see him in the casket for good!  Well done, my friend, well done!"

Anyway, Friday will be a busy day for me as it's a three hour drive there, the funeral, a three hour drive back, a stop at Best Buy to pick up this week's release of the new Hunger Games Blu-Ray, a quick check-in at work, and then home to watch the movie and publish this post in the hop.  Hop?  Yeah, you know the one ...

Ten Things Of Thankful!

First, I'd like to say that our hosts ... all of them ... do a great job in hosting this hop.  To see them jumping from post to post like a frat boy in a sorority house makes ones heart swell with wonderment.  All should take lessons from their efforts and learn.

Okay, enough butt kissing for today!  
Yeah, I'm boring, too!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Academy Awards.  From all reports, they were as boring as I imagined them being when I decided not to watch them.  However, the pizza joint that supplied the pizzas has had a great boost in business.  Funny how that seems to be the most important topic of a three hour television program.  (No anchovies, actors, actresses, or boring speeches ... please!)

2)  Burger King's Big Fish Sandwich 2 for $5 special.  How else could I make myself sick and vow never to eat them again if I hadn't of taken advantage of this televised treat?  And, what's with this whip cream atop the chocolate milkshake that's so thick it doubles for window caulking?

"Remember, we cover anything,
until you need us!"
3)  Nationwide Insurance.  What a wonderful company!  Years ago, I discovered they required me to take a vehicle to a certain body shop, locally known for poor quality and escalated prices.  More recently, they notified me that just because I was driving a car, it didn't mean they covered me or the vehicle while doing so.  And, now, they add over $90 a month to my bill for the new car I purchased for my wife!

Yes, Nationwide, I thank you for your continuing surprises, lack of customer service, and outrageous charges.  After twenty years of doing business with you, this loyal customer has found Geico.  They seem to be much more "On My Side" than you do, so bye-bye!

4)  Pope Francis.  How would you like to be the Pope and get your own magazine?  Yep, a magazine entitled, "My Pope" is going to be published weekly and entirely devoted to the Pope.  Now, think about it, how much can one person do in a week to have a weekly magazine devoted to them.  I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of pictures.  (See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope defecating breakfast.  See the Pope eating lunch.  See the Pope eating dinner.  See the Pope sleeping at night.  See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope taking a laxative.)
"Yes, my name is Putin tane,
ask me again and I'll say the same!"

5)  Russian President Vladimir Putin.  President Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  He joins the ranks of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Rush Limbaugh in being so nominated.  When asked what they thought of the nomination, citizens in the Ukraine stated, "None of us nominated the mutha f**ker!"

6)  SAT Test Requirements.  As Americans grow more and more stupid thanks to the government's "No Child Gets Ahead" regulations, the SAT has been forced to change.  Now, essay questions are optional and there is no penalty for wrong answers.  Says one high schooler after taking the new test, "I kin't wait ta go ta coolage.  Mama alway tol' me if I paid detention en listened to rappers, I cud amount ta sumthin!"

7)  The Moon.   The United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs has determined that no one owns the moon for now.  Millions of moon creatures are celebrating with the knowledge they won't be taxed by the United States or Russia or China for anything.  Said one moon creature, "They all full of space doodoo if they think we're gonna pay them anything.  Fact is, they still owe us for all the trash they left here last time they visited!"

8)  Justin Bieber jail pictures.  More Justin Bieber jail pictures have been released by the arresting police department.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Iffin' I don't lick my fingers,
does that count as a diet?"

9)  Mississippi.  This year's winner of the Most Obese Population State is Mississippi!   Turns out, fried shrimp, fried okra, fried chicken, fried catfish, fried chicken fried steak, and fried pork chops tend to stay with a person for a while.  Said one Mississippi resident, "Who gives a damn iffin' we fat?  Hell, tha eatin's good.  Pull yerself up a bench and grab a plate!"

10)  Third Graders caught smoking pot.  Three third graders at a Northern California elementary school were caught smoking pot in the Boys Bathroom last week.  Since all of them are under the age of twelve, it is questionable as to if any will face criminal charges.  Officials stated that they will first have to determine if the boys knew right from wrong.  An intelligent person might ask, "Do the officials know right from wrong in even thinking about prosecuting 8 and 9 year olds for something that's legal for any adult in the state suffering with a hang nail?"

So, that's it!  Another week of thankful to be thankful for.  Be sure to visit the other blogs in the hop and see what really being thankful means.  

Meanwhile, I'm going to a funeral.  If I can't figure out which one is which, I might have to stay for two.  

Wish me luck!


Hey, before you go ... I hope you enjoyed the smile today!  If you did, how about giving my other entry this week a little love.  No, it's not a humor post nor is it a political rant.  Instead, this is one that you'd do better reading on a sunshiny day instead of a dark night.  If you like mystery with a hint of the unknown visit it at

Visit "From Whom Are You Hiding" HERE!!! 
 Many Thanks!