Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Rambling Tuesday: Shrinking T-Shirts, Tampons and Dick Cheney

So I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can top my previous blog topic of God taking a dump.  

Shouldn't be too difficult.  

In fact, if I really give it a thought or two, I might even be able to write something clean for a change.  

Wouldn't that be a surprise?

Speaking of clean, I need to give a shout out to the maker of Fruit Of The Loom T-shirts for keeping America's economy flowing.  (Or, has Fruit Of The Loom moved all of their plants to Mexico?)  Anyway, only Hanes has surpassed the ability to shrink a T-shirt in length over 7 inches in two washings!

Let's hear it for keeping the American farmer and the modern day version of the cotton gin in full operation!

Seriously, I used to blame my wife's ineptness in being able to figure out the dryer's thermostat control for the shrinkage.  After all, she is blonde and from a small town in Alabama.  When she chews gum ... well, let's just say, "Lets not overload the circuit board!"

Two weeks ago, I finally decided that even though my current T-shirts allowed me to use my index finger to contemplate my navel without any hindrance, perhaps it was time to cease the bare tummy look and buy some T-Shirts that would at least tuck into my pants.  Knowing that there was to be some expected shrinkage, I exceeded all supposed requirements and purchased the 2X size instead of regular X size.   

Two washings later, over seven inches had disappeared from the length of these.  I know this because I’ve measured those washed against their T-shirts yet to be washed.  At one time, they were the same size.  

I can once again put my index finger to work and contemplate my navel without hindrance.   

So, to the makers of the original replaced Hanes T-shirts, as well as the makers of the replacing Fruit Of The Loom T-shirts, your offerings are making great shoe shine rags.  Never again will I purchase your products, as I now have more shoe shine rags than I’ll ever use in my remaining lifetime.

Some good uses for the material you offer (instead of the T-shirts you pretend to make to last) might be:
"Just Think, Rich ... another couple of washings
and it will fit me!"

1)  Diapers for freshly cut baby eunuchs
2)  Underwear for Barbie and Ken dolls
3)  Togas for unsuspecting sorority sisters who don’t mind showing some skin after a wet toga contest
4)  Dog sweaters for Chihuahuas and their pups
5)  Toe warmers for the little people in “Oz, The Great And Powerful”
6)  Sleepwear for pet mice
7)  Wristband coverings for Paris Jackson, and
8)  Finger padding for masturbation addicts.

The Ultimate T-Shirt Shrinkage Product
Perhaps, with a little effort, the marketing department might be able to use the phrase “From T-shirts to Tampons” to bring some variety and multi use into your product line.  “Today underarm sweat, tomorrow further under you get!”   

(You can keep the ideas for free.  It’s my contribution to recycling!)

I have apologized to my wife, who was watching “The Voice” at the time and didn’t hear me.  I’d do it again, but now I have ammunition for the next time she accuses me of not hearing what she supposedly said to me.  Besides, she’s also chewing gum.  “Let’s not overload the circuit board.”

Okay, so this is where I normally cover news items in my Rambling Tuesdays offerings.  I’d like to say everything was used up in last week’s FTSF, but it wasn’t.  So, here goes:

"Yep!  I'm still dead!"
1)  Jimmy Hoffa, the teamster leader that vanished decades ago, is still believed dead.  Since no one has seen him in decades, there is little to disprove this.  Still, he’s back in the news as no one can find where he was buried.  In the year 2332, they’ll still be looking, but will be more agreeable to the fact he is still dead.
2)  Former Vice President and secret tyrant, Dick Cheney, has sided with President Obama and defended his actions in the NSA episode.  That and $4 will get Obama a cup of coffee at Starbucks and 200 shares of stock in Halliburton.  Cheney agrees that weapons of mass destruction are being used in Syria.  Haven’t we heard him say that before?  “Those that fail to remember history...”
3)  A teenager is in trouble for riding a 30 foot whale shark.  Says the teenager, “I learned my technique from watching Debra Winger in the old classic movie, “Urban Cowboy.”  “Wasn’t I grand!”
4)  Another teenager is in trouble for wearing a NRA T-shirt to school.  Says one teacher, “We shouldn’t have to be subjected to such atrocities.  We should just shoot him!”
5)  Federal agents raided fifteen 7 Eleven stores in search of illegal aliens.  Each agent carried a Slurpee in one hand, and a voter registration pad in the other.  Spokespersons for the Republican Party stated, “Damn, I wish we’d thought of that!”
6)  Sarah Palin returned to Fox News once again.  She is still weak on the topics of National Economy, Foreign Aid and Affairs, and United States history, but claims to have made great forward leaps and bounds in Geography.  She now knows it’s the Japanese trash from a Tsunami a few years back that she can see out her window instead of Russia.  
7)  Justin Bieber was ignored by his own country’s Polaris Music Award Committee again, as none of his five albums have ever been considered great music by them.  Shows the Canadians have a much better sense of music appreciation than their Southern neighbors, doesn’t it?
8)  and finally, Russian President Putin has given his support to the Syrian political regime stating that to give guns to rebels would only create more terrorism.  Let’s see, the United States gave guns to Osama Bin Laden and his rebels during the Russian war with Afghanistan in the 80’s,  and found it to be a grave error in judgement as 9/11 came about and the U.S. got caught up in a war in the same place ... and still isn’t out of it.  “Those who fail to remember the past ...”

But then again, let’s not forget that the U.S. has always armed the little guys in hopes of taking down a political structure that didn’t quite agree with U.S. policies.  At times, it paid off for a little while.  However, in the case of Vietnam, the Afghan rebels, and the Contras, it has come back to bite us in the tail.  Still U.S. Industry mostly thrives in a wartime climate, except for the Iraq War where Halliburton received a no-compete contract to make money while others sat starving in the wings.  Let’s see, wasn’t VP Cheney a CEO of Halliburton at one time?  And who, once again, is speaking out for getting another war started?  And, doesn’t war tend to increase the gap between the rich and the poor for the most part as profiteers reap all the cash, and the poor do all the dying?

Maybe we should start to “Remember the Past.”

Or, would that “overload a circuit board?”

Non Shrink T-Shirt recommendations ... anyone?