Friday, March 21, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Fred Phelps, NCAA Brackets, Starbucks & Fruit Flies ... but no missing plane!

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Four score and seven years ago …

(No, damn it, I’m not that old.)

… just one of those nights when my attention is diverted elsewhere.

This is the most distracting time of the year for me, being a college basketball die hard fan.  The NCAA Tourney, even though some of the games outcomes are already set up by the NCAA and CBS as to which team will win (in order to keep ratings high for all the advertisers), takes my thoughts from the dimension they normally lie within and scatters them all over the television screen.

(Yeah, like it’s any different than any other time.  Right?)

I can’t help myself.  I am a college basketball fan freak!  The cold sweats and nervous twitches go crazy as the tourney begins!  I’ve loved it all my life and will probably continue to do so until the day I die (which will hopefully come after a tourney championship has been decided, as it would truly suck to end up in Heaven or Hell not knowing the winner).

“Hey, St. Peter … before we go any further with this question and answer sh*t, do you think you could let me know the score to last night’s game?  I’ll make it worth your while … seriously!”

I remember my childhood days of going outside after a huge snow and dribbling the basketball on the snow on my driveway court until it was nicely packed down.  Then, I’d take off my coat and play for a couple of hours, or until my mother came out screaming about being outside without a coat, whichever came first.  And, now one wants a mad, raving, raging Italian mom chasing you outside in the snow.  You might later find yourself nursing a sore butt and eating a dish of pasta with triple garlic or onion powder administered.

So, as I sit here, recollecting what it was like to play basketball in the snow, the 60” television is showing dunks, 3 point shots, and college cheerleaders bouncing breasts up and down that shouldn’t belong to college cheerleaders. (Where were these girls when I was in college?)  And aren’t the uniforms getting more and more skimpy?  (The cheerleaders’ uniforms, that is!)

(God, I love this time of the year!)

And, for those of you that could care less about basketball and are anxiously awaiting a part 2 of the missing plane story I wrote last week, let me just say one thing:

The plane is still missing.

Now, there’s a couple of things for sure by now.  Somewhere, the plane came down, either by crashing or landing.  There’s no damn way it’s still up in the air.  The other thing is that everyone is constantly contradicting what everyone else is predicting.  So, let’s be honest.  No one knows where the hell the plane went!!!  There’s only one thing for sure.

The plane is still missing.

If they’re sitting somewhere, you’ve got to be sure, there’s some really pissed off NCAA Basketball Tourney fans there.  I wouldn’t want to be one of their captors right now.  There’s nothing worse than a NCAA Basketball Tourney fan that doesn’t get a chance to watch the tourney games.  (Well, maybe the Navy Seals or USMC special forces that have to stop watching the games to go rescue their butts, but, besides that, nothing worse.  Well, maybe a mad wife going through the change of life on a hot, summer day, but, besides that, nothing worse.  Well, maybe a mad Italian mother ...)

However, I have the games available to see.  For that, I count my ten thankfuls for the first round of games I get to see.  Ten times I watch the shots, ten times I witness the upsets, ten times I enjoy the games that some cannot see.

The plane is still missing.

Again, Lizzi (who has been stumbling around on one hell of a drunk the last few days) and her stoic squad of hearty supporters (do they still make girdles) bring forth the time of the week in which we can all be thankful, as it is now time for


This week, I’m thankful for:

So what if it's retro!  The damn thing's comfortable!
1)  Waterbed mattresses.  My wife’s mattress, after a torrid affair with her boyfriend (of which she denies), finally decided to share its internal moisture with the outside world.  Yeah, it let loose with hundreds of gallons of water from a split seam!

Now, we still love our waterbeds.  The heater in the Winter, along with the way they contour to one’s body to give proper support, make sleeping a pure blissful experience.  A quick search of the web found a replacement mattress almost immediately.  Even though I’m having to put off getting brakes for my truck (for the second straight year), I was able to order her another motionless one for only $200.  Now, if I can just keep her from dropping pens and combs down inside of the frame (and keeping her boyfriend’s activities at his place), she’ll soon have a mattress to once again enjoy.  (What the hell am I saying???  I’m going to be the one sleeping on the couch while she takes my bed until the replacement gets here!!!  God, the things we do for love.)

2)  Teenager atop WTC.   A sixteen year old boy slid past security guards and climbed ladders and such to arrive at the top of the World Trade Center Sunday.  Why did he do it?  To take pictures, of course!  Police arrested him once they found him and charged him with trespassing.  Police couldn’t believe he’d done it because they had “No Trespassing” signs posted.  (I’d say these are the same cops that couldn’t believe the 9/11 jets hit the towers because they had a “No Hittting Tower With Jets ” sign posted.)

"I wonder if they can bury me with my
cowboy hat on?  Don't I look like that guy
from the Village People???"
3)  Fred Phelps Dead.  The Westboro Baptist Church founder died Friday.  Of course, the church is well known as being the least compassionate church in existence as they obnoxiously protest at funerals of service men, gays, and others throughout the United States.  

We extend a hearty invitation for all gays, bikers, servicemen, and anyone with a shred of common decency to come to the funeral services and protest to their hearts desire.  We’re hoping for a crowd of at least 400,00, whose voices in unison will drown out any of the words spoken at his services.  We wish it to be a true demonstration of Christianity, as it truly is better to give than to receive.  (I just hope he was a NCAA Basketball fan and no one in the afterlife tells him the scores!  muhahahahaha!)

"Whatever happened to the days
 a guy could earn a
quarter the right way ... in
the men's restrooms?"
4)  Man Steals Quarters.  Thomas Rica, a former public works inspector, stole over $460,000 in quarters over a 25 month period of time.  The Ridgewood, New Jersey official would go into the room where they kept money from the parking meters and fill his pockets with quarters.  He’d then go to his bank and deposit them.  (I suspect that one of the bank tellers said, “No, we never questioned how he got all those quarters.  We just figured that he gave one hell of a blow job!  After all, he was a politician!”)

5)  President Obama fills out NCAA Bracket.  So, he likes basketball.  Big deal.  He should be doing more important things.  Who’d he pick to win it all?  Who cares?  Like, he’s going to save the country if he hits a free throw or something.  “Hey, you’re making big bucks.  Get to work!”

6)  California targeted by Cyber-Gangs.  So what?  Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition tells everything there is to know about California every night!  Besides, by the time the criminals get through all the “Hey, Dude’s”, it's old news anyway!  Go to the beach and wait on the tidal wave, folks.  Be happy!

"Wait until next time when they catch us for serving
food that is declared inedible!
Oops!  You mean they already did?   
7)  McDonalds to pay back pay.  New York came to the rescue and got 1,600 workers back pay for work done while clocked out, overtime pay, and uniform cleaning allowance.  When asked what they were going to do with the settlement money, one employee stated, “I’m going to McDonald’s!”  (Now you know why they worked off the clock to begin with!)

8)  Samsung releases new Ultra HD TV’s.  Okay, so it’s curved and is supposed to give you even a better picture.  Next, thing you know, they’ll be coming out with Ultra HD Blu-Ray players, which will make all your current Blu-Rays obsolete.  So, you’ll soon be replacing all of them once again.  From VHS to DVD to Blu-Ray to Ultra Blu-Ray, one might ask, “How many damn times am I going to have to buy the same movie just to watch it when I want?” 

And someone on the missing plane goes, “Hey, you got a different movie?  Do you know how many times they’ve shown us “The Croods”?

9)  Starbucks to sell wine.  Starbucks is going to start selling wine to its evening crowd in select locations soon.  They’ve been experimenting in different markets and find it to be a big seller.  So, they get you drunk, and then make a mint sobering you back up with $4 cups of coffee.  Damn, maybe they’re on to something!

"Okay, Okay!  So some of us can't fly!
Big F***in' Deal!"
10)  Why don't Fruit Flies fall out of the sky.  Scientists have spent thousands of dollars researching Fruit Flies.  More defined, the reason Fruit Flies don’t fall out of the sky.  After all their research, they’ve found out what most of us have known for years.  “The Suckers Fly, Damn It!  They Fly!!!!”

*     *     *     *     *     *

That’s it for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.  I appreciate your attention and effort in getting through this week’s effort.  I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped to watch the games.  So, until next week, don’t forget …

The plane is still missing!

And, if my wife does have a boyfriend, the S.O.B. had better be on it!


Friday, March 14, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: Plane Fly, Plane Disappear, Plane Go Bye Bye!

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There's a plane missing!

No one knows where it's at!

That's why it's missing!

It's been on the news for days!

They're making sure everyone knows about it!


Because there's not enough other stuff to talk about right now!

So, all the news agencies are talking about a missing plane.

Perhaps aliens opened the bottom of their spaceship and swallowed it up.  Now, all of the plane's occupants are awaiting one 83 year old man who barricaded himself in the jet's bathroom and has been there for days.  

Stay out of the little room ... that's where
they sh*t!!!!   

Because he knows a secret no one else does.  

The secret?  Aliens don't go into bathrooms.  After all their experience in anal probing, they have seen what man does with his used nutrition.  For years, they thought it was where man lubricated himself.  

Then, one day, while watching a captured German Shepherd take a crap, one of the aliens looked at his crew mates and said,  "Hey, why are we sticking valuable examination equipment up the asses of humans?"  That's not lubricant, it's sh*t!"

A revelation had been voiced.

The aliens simply want the old man in his seat with his seat belt fastened so as to not go against international safety procedures and laws when they send the plane home.

Still, the old man on the aircraft doesn't believe them.  He feels that an anal probing is waiting outside the door of his fortress.  He has never let his doctor give him a prostrate exam and he'll be damned if any alien is going to go where no man has ever gone before.

And, the plane remains missing.

Or, it may have landed in an alternate universe.  A universe where a plane is a ground vehicle and the jets are used to make giant vats of orange juice.  As the jet engines whine, oranges are tossed in and are immediately shredded and drained into a giant vat to be later divided among the populace that enjoys juice with pulp.

Only 47 more tons of oranges left to go until the juice season is over.  In the meantime, the passengers inside the jet are being served coffee.  None really care for orange juice.

And, the plane remains missing.

Or, Godzilla got tired of chasing around Tokyo and decided to order food to go.  Mistakenly, he saw the plane coming towards him and believed it to be his order.  Jumping out of the ocean, Godzilla snagged the airliner and pealed away the outer metal skin, revealing the screaming fast food treats inside.  Days later, Godzilla returns to his underground cave, filled with FDA approved chemicals and more preservatives than needed to keep him looking great for another 50 years.  The people?  Well, let's just say they found out what it means to be finger lickin' good!

And, the plane remains missing.

It is sincerely a terrible event, especially for the families of those passengers that still lie missing. Truth is, no one knows where the plane is at.  The authorities only know where it's not, and that's at its original destination.  Several countries have stopped searching for it as it's proposed path was changed a few times.  In fact, it may end up being one of 2014's greatest mysteries.

Of course, it would run a distant second place to the first.

Did J-Law fake her fall at the Academy Awards this year, 

or is she really a clumsy drunk from Kentucky?

The World Wants To Know!!!

(At least in some alternate universe they do!)

Then again, most guys just want to see her nude.  

Anyway, let us rejoice and throw our arms and spirits to the sky!  Tis the time of the week we make proclamation of Thankful ... Ten Times Thankful be the theme of those celebrating this joyous occasion!  The revelers are reveling, the drummers are drumming, and the dancers are dancing (perhaps, twerking a bit for the joy of the elderly gentlemen with single dollar bills to share).  

Tis Queen Lizzi and her royal court, presenting the Thankfulness once again.  The royal ladies of court from A Fly on our (Chicken Coop) WallConsideringsFinding NineeGetting LiteralI Want BacksiesMother of Imperfection

RewrittenThankful MeThe Meaning of Me, and the duke of delight from The Wakefield Doctrine all present and accounted for, singing songs of Glee (watch out for copyright infringement, you all).  

So, let us spread our hearts of Thankfulness, Ten Things of Thankfulness, and hope that none fall flat to the stationary line provided by improper cardiac treatment.  Tis time to proclaim:

This Week's Ten Things Of Thankful 
is Open to the World!!!!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  My Ten Year Old Computer.  Twas a funeral for a relative last week,
Of all the computers I've had, this one deserved
a place of honor for its final resting spot.
and a funeral for a true friend this week.  My ten year old Dell PC bit the dust for good on Tuesday.  After publishing last week's post, I had a nightmare of a time just answering my comments (as few as they were) as we fought to extend my dear friends time on this Earth.  We battled day and night from Friday through Monday evening.  However, it was soon recognized that the battle would be lost as rebooting failed to ignite breathing early Tuesday morning.  We held each other tightly during those last moments together.  The warmth it once provided was only a memory as its metal became cooler and cooler to touch.  Finally, with a burst of energy the screen exploded into a million of pixilated colors and then faded from existence. 

 It still remains under my desk as disposing of an old friend seems so cruel.  There are times I gaze at it and recall the good times we had together, as well as the tough times it helped me survive.  "I wish thee well, oh gallant soldier of the computing age.  You fought your battles well and with true pride.  Your service to your brand, as well as those who loved you, demonstrates your constant efforts to please those who pecked at your keyboard.  May you find your 40 virgin capacitors in the next world you visit.  You are very deserving of so much more!"

Excuse me while I weep.

2)  Lovers No More.  The intelligent continue to breed!  A Houston father was awakened by one of his children to be told there was someone in his daughter's bedroom.  Grabbing his shotgun, he entered to find his daughter in bed with an unknown male.  After repeatedly asking his daughter if she knew the male, and listening to her constant denials, the father shot and killed the male when the intruder reached for something the father thought to be a gun.  Turns out the daughter knew the seventeen year old male and there was no gun there besides the father's shotgun.  (First rule: "Never screw around in the bedroom of an underage female when her family is home."  Second rule: "Never screw around in the bedroom of an underage female when her family is home."  Third rule: "Never ...)

3)  Indiana University Basketball.  Let's be blunt, the Hoosiers sucked big time this year.  No consistency, poor shooting, and weak coaching proved that last year's number one team at the end of the regular season could fail miserably the next year.  Not only did they lose many games they were projected to win, they also lost the first game of the Big Ten Tourney.  I still wear my IU T-shirt and sweats proudly ... but not in public.  Living in the home city of the University of Kentucky doesn't make life easy for a Hoosier fan, even in a good year.  At least now I can miss some of the NCAA Tourney and not feel guilty ... DAMN IT!

4)  Iraqi Law to Allow 9 Year Olds to Marry.  A new Iraqi law being considered would allow nine year old females to be married.  It would also allow husbands to demand sexual encounters of their wives whenever they wished.  Women's Rights advocates are calling the law a step backwards for women's rights.  Pedophiles are calling it a law long awaited.  Folks in Mississippi say, "Hell, that's normal 'round hera!  Iffin' a gurl ain't been married at least twice by tha time she's 18, en had at least two babies, she ain't ever gonna mount ta much!

This makes it obvious why Nancy Pelosi hates the
Washington Redskins ... the cheerleaders put her to shame!!!
5)  House Minority Leader Hates "Redskins".   House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, who obviously feels as though her own state is so perfect she can now interfere elsewhere, is making it a personal battle to get the Washington Redskins to change their name.  This time, she's trying to get the patent office to reject patents for any merchandise with the name "Redskins" on it.  (The patent office can reject derogatory and other objectionable named items.)  Many opponents of her attack have stated, "The bitch needs to mind her own business."

6)  GM Non-Deployment Airbags Tied To 303 Deaths.  When a car crashes, airbags are supposed to open.  Unfortunately, past owners of the Chevrolet Cobalt and Saturn Ion didn't always find this the case.  303 deaths are being attributed to this failure, even though GM is only claiming twelve.  Said unknown representatives, "If they are dead they can't testify.  Take that to the bank, suckers!"

Ever wonder why he always has a
blanket in his lap?
7)  Over 100 Bullets In Bin Laden's Body.  it is now being reported that there were two bullets fired to kill the terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, and over 100 fired into it in vengeance over the 9/11 attacks.  Said one of the shooters, "We knew they were going to bury him at sea and we just thought the lead bullets would keep him from bobbing up and down like an apple."  

8)   Plane Crashes.  Another plane crashed in Florida this week after it's landing gear had a tire blow out.  Upon arrival in Florida, after being rescued, passengers were quoted as saying, "Hey, we're not missing! We're not missing!!!!"

9)  Woman Gets 21 Years In Jail.  Hope "The Lady" Kantete, 44, was sentenced to 21 years in jail for leading a carjacking ring that smuggled luxury cars to West Africa.  By our figures, without good behavior breaks, Hope will be out just in time to start collecting Social Security checks.  Basically, the state of New Jersey and the U.S. Government will pay her for the rest of her life by sentencing her as they did.  Nice to know that the rest of us have to work for a living to retire one day, isn't it?
10)  You!  Yes, you, the reader, for once again understanding my plight of working days with hours numbering 11-15 each.  Tis a lousy job for the 8 hour a day mind to endure, but someones got to do it.  And, it pays the bills.   What is doesn't do it allow a lot of time for me to return your kindness and visit your blog as much as I'd love to, and once did for most.  I do appreciate your understanding and generosity.  It means a lot ... seriously!

That's going to end this week's post of Ten Things Of Thankful.  Join us again next week for another thrilling adventure of the Man of Steel and Tonto, or was that Speedy?  Anyway, as a wise man once said:

And the plane remains missing!  


Saturday, March 8, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: A Look at Death and the Academy Awards

Visit ALL the Great Thankful Hops HERE!!!
I'm writing this on Wednesday evening.  

(No, I'm not so excited that
 I can't wait to do it.)

Unfortunately, I just received word that a relative of mine just passed away ... kicked the bucket ... hit the final home run ... played his last role in the game of life ... visited his last porn site ... died.

With his funeral on Friday morning, and with me working another 12 hour day on Thursday, there really isn't any way to get this done other than to do it right now.  Thus, here I am.

Don't feel sad for me.  Besides at the funerals of others, I haven't really sat down and talked with him in over forty years.  Oh, he sent me plenty of anti-Obama emails and such (most of which I glanced at and deleted), and even a few of semi clad females. (Of which I must admit, he had a great eye for!)  Still, it has been so long that I've forgotten most of what we used to talk about.

Golf ... that was his passion.  My father could never understand why he loved the game so dearly.  (Obviously, my father never picked up a club in his life.)  But, even during our rare family visits to his home, he always had the Sunday afternoon PGA golf event playing on the television.

So much for my trip down memory lane.  I know I'll change my attitude after visiting and talking with the family.  And, I hope the survive this rough time.

I'm not sure that I'll recognize him.  It's always difficult to see someone lying prone and say, "Oh yeah, he looks so natural!"  How would one know that unless they'd seen him lying prone with his eyes closed multiple times!  Think about it.  How many times have you seen members of your outer family group lying on their backs.  Let me rephrase that question, "How many of you that don't live in Mississippi or Eastern Kentucky have experience seeing members of your outer family group lying on their backs?"  (Well, you know, "If she's good enough for dad ... ")

I have no recollection of ever seeing this relative lying on his back with his eyes closed.  What if I go into the wrong room of the funeral home?  How will I know if I'm looking at the right corpse or not?  

"Wow, you mean this isn't him?  
Damn, looks just like him to me!  
Are you sure it isn't him?"

What really bothers me is when the deceased wears glasses, and they put the glasses on them in the casket!  I've never worn my glasses to bed, so why would I wear them lying on my back in a casket?  Do they think I'm going to pop up and ask for my laptop or something?  What if you were looking down at the deceased and his eyes popped open?  

"Hey, just wanted to see who was visiting!  Wow, you look so natural, too!"

I have a feeling you'd crap yourself.  Then, you'd get to hear the stupid uncle come into the room and say something like, "Damn, who died in here?  What the hell did he eat before he clocked out, anyway?"

Another thing ... have you ever noticed how funerals tend to be judging contests?  It's like American Idol, but here you're rated for you energy level, health problems, and length of term before you're going to be the one everyone comes to visit ... lying prone!  It's kind of like:

"And there he is entering the funeral home!  Looking good, today, plenty of zip to the step.  Oh, he stumbles on the carpet and squints while writing his name in the guest register.  That's a hidden problem, folks.  First the eyes go and then the body!  He's not as good at remembering names of relatives this time around, either!  In fact, I'd say the mind is going fast!  His color is good, so I'm guessing he'll do fine for another year or two of hard work before we see him in the casket for good!  Well done, my friend, well done!"

Anyway, Friday will be a busy day for me as it's a three hour drive there, the funeral, a three hour drive back, a stop at Best Buy to pick up this week's release of the new Hunger Games Blu-Ray, a quick check-in at work, and then home to watch the movie and publish this post in the hop.  Hop?  Yeah, you know the one ...

Ten Things Of Thankful!

First, I'd like to say that our hosts ... all of them ... do a great job in hosting this hop.  To see them jumping from post to post like a frat boy in a sorority house makes ones heart swell with wonderment.  All should take lessons from their efforts and learn.

Okay, enough butt kissing for today!  
Yeah, I'm boring, too!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Academy Awards.  From all reports, they were as boring as I imagined them being when I decided not to watch them.  However, the pizza joint that supplied the pizzas has had a great boost in business.  Funny how that seems to be the most important topic of a three hour television program.  (No anchovies, actors, actresses, or boring speeches ... please!)

2)  Burger King's Big Fish Sandwich 2 for $5 special.  How else could I make myself sick and vow never to eat them again if I hadn't of taken advantage of this televised treat?  And, what's with this whip cream atop the chocolate milkshake that's so thick it doubles for window caulking?

"Remember, we cover anything,
until you need us!"
3)  Nationwide Insurance.  What a wonderful company!  Years ago, I discovered they required me to take a vehicle to a certain body shop, locally known for poor quality and escalated prices.  More recently, they notified me that just because I was driving a car, it didn't mean they covered me or the vehicle while doing so.  And, now, they add over $90 a month to my bill for the new car I purchased for my wife!

Yes, Nationwide, I thank you for your continuing surprises, lack of customer service, and outrageous charges.  After twenty years of doing business with you, this loyal customer has found Geico.  They seem to be much more "On My Side" than you do, so bye-bye!

4)  Pope Francis.  How would you like to be the Pope and get your own magazine?  Yep, a magazine entitled, "My Pope" is going to be published weekly and entirely devoted to the Pope.  Now, think about it, how much can one person do in a week to have a weekly magazine devoted to them.  I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of pictures.  (See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope defecating breakfast.  See the Pope eating lunch.  See the Pope eating dinner.  See the Pope sleeping at night.  See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope taking a laxative.)
"Yes, my name is Putin tane,
ask me again and I'll say the same!"

5)  Russian President Vladimir Putin.  President Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  He joins the ranks of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Rush Limbaugh in being so nominated.  When asked what they thought of the nomination, citizens in the Ukraine stated, "None of us nominated the mutha f**ker!"

6)  SAT Test Requirements.  As Americans grow more and more stupid thanks to the government's "No Child Gets Ahead" regulations, the SAT has been forced to change.  Now, essay questions are optional and there is no penalty for wrong answers.  Says one high schooler after taking the new test, "I kin't wait ta go ta coolage.  Mama alway tol' me if I paid detention en listened to rappers, I cud amount ta sumthin!"

7)  The Moon.   The United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs has determined that no one owns the moon for now.  Millions of moon creatures are celebrating with the knowledge they won't be taxed by the United States or Russia or China for anything.  Said one moon creature, "They all full of space doodoo if they think we're gonna pay them anything.  Fact is, they still owe us for all the trash they left here last time they visited!"

8)  Justin Bieber jail pictures.  More Justin Bieber jail pictures have been released by the arresting police department.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Iffin' I don't lick my fingers,
does that count as a diet?"

9)  Mississippi.  This year's winner of the Most Obese Population State is Mississippi!   Turns out, fried shrimp, fried okra, fried chicken, fried catfish, fried chicken fried steak, and fried pork chops tend to stay with a person for a while.  Said one Mississippi resident, "Who gives a damn iffin' we fat?  Hell, tha eatin's good.  Pull yerself up a bench and grab a plate!"

10)  Third Graders caught smoking pot.  Three third graders at a Northern California elementary school were caught smoking pot in the Boys Bathroom last week.  Since all of them are under the age of twelve, it is questionable as to if any will face criminal charges.  Officials stated that they will first have to determine if the boys knew right from wrong.  An intelligent person might ask, "Do the officials know right from wrong in even thinking about prosecuting 8 and 9 year olds for something that's legal for any adult in the state suffering with a hang nail?"

So, that's it!  Another week of thankful to be thankful for.  Be sure to visit the other blogs in the hop and see what really being thankful means.  

Meanwhile, I'm going to a funeral.  If I can't figure out which one is which, I might have to stay for two.  

Wish me luck!


Hey, before you go ... I hope you enjoyed the smile today!  If you did, how about giving my other entry this week a little love.  No, it's not a humor post nor is it a political rant.  Instead, this is one that you'd do better reading on a sunshiny day instead of a dark night.  If you like mystery with a hint of the unknown visit it at

Visit "From Whom Are You Hiding" HERE!!! 
 Many Thanks!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

From Whom Are You Hiding? (A Short, Short Story)

(As many of my standard readers know, I use this blog to bring humor and reality to the masses 99% of the time.  However, there are times that a story creeps out of me that I share here.  These are generally stories of fiction, mystery and fantasy.  I publish them if for no other reason than to allow me the pleasure of expressing myself in a different manner.  This is one of those stories.  I hope you'll enjoy it!)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Driving in the rain is seldom fun.  Slick roads, vision impaired by streaky wiper blades, and the glare of oncoming headlights reflecting on a wet windshield lessen the odds of reaching one's destination safely.  Still, there is a peace that hides in the madness of the journey.  

My urges had been sated for a while.  The bastards that had killed my daughter were long gone.  I'd seen to that.  But, I'd found many more just as evil that needed removal.  If I could remove the pain of a parent seeing their child wasted away by those that supplied perverted kiddie porn pleasures then I had to continue.  I couldn't rest until they were all dead.

One was in the trunk awaiting disposal.

As I rounded a bend, I barely saw her walking in the darkness.  Her blue jean jacket and pants, darkened by the rain that drenched them, did nothing to enhance her visibility.  Only her blond hair, soaked as it was, provided a hint that the figure along the roadside was human.  

Normally, I wouldn't stop for hitchhikers.  Years ago, during my teenage years, I'd stopped for a fellow hippie.  After taking him as far as I was going, he'd refused to get out of my car, insisting that I take him further.  His eyes, the yellowed whites mixed with brown lines, accented his heroin addiction.  Although young and naive, I still felt myself to be in possible danger.  After it was over, I have never been afraid since.  It is a story I will tell another time.  I use it only as a reference to my common behavior and dread of hitchhikers.

Pulling my car over to the side of the road, I awaited her to open the door.  The seconds felt like minutes felt like hours.  I turned to see her standing outside her door, awaiting on me to open it for her.  "Weird chick" I thought as I reached for the handle to let her in.  

She entered with the elegance of Grace Kelly, gently sitting down on the seat without the car so much as moving under her weight.  Closing the door, she turned, looked me in the eyes, and whispered, "Thank you.  I'd about given up on anyone having any mercy on me."

"No problem" I responded.  "How far you going?"

"As far away as I can get" she mumbled.  "As far away as I can get."

I shifted the car into gear and headed back on the road.  After a mile or two, I decided to try to make small talk as the silence between us was deafening.

"Have a bad night?"

"I've had a bad life."

"Are you running away from someone?"

"Are you?"

"Are you in trouble with the law?"

"Are you?"

"Look, we've only got a few miles before I get home.  Is there somewhere I can take you?"

"Do you live alone?"


"Do you want some company?"

I hesitated before responding.  She was indeed a looker.  Her hair, though somewhat stringy and still damp, glistened in the darkness.  In the instrument lights on the dash I couldn't tell what color her eyes were, but they were so big and seemed to beg for attention.  I'll stop there in my describing of her, but only because I consider myself a gentleman.  I will add, just for your imagination, that she had everything a hetero man could desire, and plenty of it.

Still, I'd heard tales of hitchhikers like her.  They preyed upon the goodwill of the innocent as a hawk would a field mouse.  They ended up becoming victims that were found dead the next morning by neighbors, shaking their heads, wondering how such a dreadful thing could happen to such a "nice" man, and gossiped about for months.

That wasn't a goal of mine to end up that way!

"How about let's go and get something to eat?  I'm kind of hungry and haven't been shopping for food in ages.  There's a truck stop just up the road a bit.  You can dry out there, get your stomach full, and maybe find a ride to get you to where you want to go.  Sound good?"

"So, you're telling me that you don't want me?"

Nothing like a direct question to unsettle the nerves.  If I told her I wanted her, I'd look like a dirty old man.  If I told her I didn't want her, she'd feel rejection and who knows how she would react.  Hell, she might even go spaz on me and start screaming rape or something to get some attention.  With the body in the trunk, that was the last thing I needed.  Damn, why did I ever pick her up?  I had to careful how I handled this now.

"It's not that I want you or don't want you.  It's about my stomach wanting food and not having any at my place.  I just thought that you might be a little hungry, too.  Plus, you've got to be cold in those wet clothes.  We'll eat, dry out, and then decide on the next move.  Fair enough?"

She simply nodded her head up and down in forced agreement.  

Silence filled the car until we finally arrived at Big Fred's Truck Stop.  Since the interstate had been built a few years ago, Fred's didn't have the huge business it once enjoyed.  Only an occasional trucker, traveler, or the Friday night teenager crowd stopped in to fill up on greasy hamburgers and coffee so strong it would eat a hole in your intestines.  Still, it was better than nothing.

The pouring rain was no more than a light drizzle as we quickly trotted up to the door and entered.  We had our choice of seating as there were only two middle aged male patrons sitting at the counter flirting with the all night waitress as she popped her chewing gum and giggled shamelessly.  We sat down and (after a quick glance at the menu) I gave the waitress our order.  

Only then did I really see her in the light for the first time.  I'm guessing she was in her early 20's, which made her at least thirty years younger than myself.  Her eyes, which I could see were blue in color, darted back and forth from me to the door and back over and over, as if she was expecting someone to come charging in and grab her.  

My mind darted back to the trunk of the car and the body it held.  Yeah, there were similarities.  But the bitch in my trunk was older and strung out on crack.  This girl was so much younger and beautiful.

"Who are you afraid of?"

"No one ... now."

"So, are you gonna tell me your story?"

"Look, let's just say that sometimes we do things that we know are wrong, but we get caught up in the mess and can't get out of it.  I'm not saying that I'm innocent.  No, not by a long shot am I innocent.  But, what I guess I'm saying is that sometimes we really don't see the wrongs until we step away and get a better look.  So, enough of that.  I'd prefer if we just dropped it now.  I don't feel much like talkin' anyway."

She shifted her attention away from me and to the door next to the OPEN sign that glowed a bright red.  Red like the blood that tried to escape the plastic drop sheet I'd wrapped the body in my trunk.  I returned my gaze back to her face.  It was hard to get over the fact that she seemed so familiar.  

"If you're not afraid of anyone and not running away, then why are you watching the door so intently?"

"Just making sure my exit isn't blocked if I need to leave quickly."

With that, I shut up for a while.  Why would she need to leave quickly?  Of what was she afraid?  This young girl, so beautiful but so mysterious ... what could she have done or been through that would make her so nervous sitting in an old truck stop with a harmless old man?  Well, harmless as far as she knew.

When the waitress returned, she only brought my food.  This made no sense.  I would've happily waited until my rider's order was ready.  How rude!

"What about my friend's order?"  I asked.

"What friend?"

"What do you mean what friend?  Hers of course!"

As I turned my head to the hitchhiker, I found there was no one there.  There was no glass of water, no place setting, and no person.  I felt my mouth drop open as I turned back to the waitress only to find her looking strangely at me.  

"Sir, you came in alone.  Have you been drinking?"

I stood up, put a ten dollar bill on the table, and walked out.  The rain was pouring down again, even harder than it had been earlier when I had picked her up.  Entering the car, I reached over to the passenger seat to find it completely dry.  Even the rubber floor mat on that side was dry.  There was absolutely no trace of anyone having been there at all.

Driving home, I kept my eyes open, hoping to see her walking along the road.  I drove slowly so as not to miss her dark, wet clothes in the faint light of the moon mostly hidden by thunder clouds overhead.  Two or three times I drove the twenty mile stretch, back and forth between the town and the truck stop.  Not once did I see her again.

I'm even older now than I was years ago when that night took place.  On rainy nights, you'll find me driving that lonely stretch of road for hours.  

I'm no longer carrying bodies in the trunk.  Maybe I misjudged those I felt were guilty and punished them my way.  If so, I'll pay for it one day.  Instead, I've become obsessed with solving the mystery of the blond hitchhiker.  

How could she be so real, yet, have disappeared so instantly?  
From what was she running?  

From whom was she hiding?

Could it have been me?

Or, perhaps, herself?

Monday, March 3, 2014

Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday: Life Is What Music Makes It

See All The Great Mix-Tape Blogs HERE!!!!!
"The Soundtrack Of My Life" is the topic for this week's Twisted Mixed-Tape Tuesday romp.

(In other words, it's another trip into the personal past of the writer.  How exciting!  Next thing you know, we'll all be doing a post on "How To Properly Perform Morning Defecation While Cutting One's Toenails.")

This might be an easy feat for a person in their twenties or thirties, but when you are only months away from one's sixties, the task becomes much more difficult.  What really becomes difficult is when so much of one's life was shaped by the music of their early years, instead of the rinky dink crap that's being produced in today's supposed music industry.  

"Yo-Yo, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.

Don't cha know, years ago when I was a squirt, 
No gats, no drugs, no people ta hurt,

I lived each day, like it was my last, 
never thought I'd be around, talkin' 'bout the past.

But here I be, damn good lookin' to see,
Yeah, I'm still here, makin' love 'til three.

So take yo ho, and warm her up for me,
Cuz you ain't sh*t, I'm almost f**kin' six-ty."

Jay-Z, watch your tail.  
I'm ready to put you to shame!

I guess one could say that an elementary school music teacher, by the name of Mrs. Dyer, had a lot to do with my love for music.  Twice a week, we'd have a music class in which we'd sing standards of the day, as well as some of the early folk songs.  Back then, it was a good thing to be patriotic and in love with your country.  What better song to express this than "This Land Is My Land?"

This patriotism was also formed by our required reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance To The Flag each morning before starting our class work.  Most say this without thinking about it.  I ask you to please take a couple of minutes and listen to this version done so well by one of the phenomenal comedians of the day, Red Skelton, in one of his more serious moments.

I remember when we first sent troops over to Vietnam.  We were told we were fighting the spread of Communism by doing so.  Most of us believed the government and what they told us.  We were Americans and the government never lied.  Only the U.S.S.R.'s government did that!  At least, that's what we were led to believe.  The American fighting man was the best there was.  Our efforts helped to end World Wars I & II, as well as the Korean Conflict.  There was no better song to express our belief in him than this song.

The battle for Civil Rights was going mainstream.  Whites against Blacks, Whites against Whites, Blacks against Blacks, everyone had an opinion.  Equal rights didn't mean either side was superior.  Neither did it mean that there was something owed to either side.  It meant that all men were created equal.  We could live together, accepting each other as equals, and breed a new culture that didn't hate.  Alas, our aspirations obviously fell short due to those on both sides that wish to use race as a reason or excuse to this day.  Still, no one presented our hopes the way The Youngbloods did with "Get Together."

America was turning upon itself.  Old against young, wealthy against poor, educated against uneducated, the battles were fought.  Sometimes, innocent blood was shed, as was the case when a squad of National Guardsmen fired upon a protesting group of unarmed students at Kent State.  Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young's classic "Ohio" tells the story too well.


Finally, the war was over!  It was time to party, and party we did.  Many smoked pot and rocked all night long, and the disco crowd snorted cocaine and danced all night long!  Polyester ruled the dance floor as discos became the norm for the "in" crowd with money.  Forget your troubles and woes and Dance, Dance, Dance!

Marriage ... does anyone really know what happiness is until they're married?  (Of course, by then it's too late to do anything about it!)  Sometimes marriage works and sometimes it doesn't.  It takes two to make it work.  Not just some of the time ... all of the time.  When one gives up, or looks for excitement elsewhere, trouble occurs.  Then, it's time to evaluate.  The Mark-Almond band says it best with "What Am I Living For."

We become so involved in our own lives, we forget about those that brought us into the world.  Men are particularly bad about this as they've been taught to be independent and self sufficient all their lives.  (Tell that to a wife the next time her husband asks, "Honey, have you seen my car keys?")

Still, the fathers are the ones that usually suffer the greatest in the realm of being shunned in later years.  Perhaps, it's because they were working so hard to keep the family together and financially prosperous, that they forgot the ones that needed them most, and rarely found them there.  Harry Chapin says it best in "Cat's In The Cradle."

As one grows older, they remember the moments of youth and reminisce.  However, they also become much more appreciative of what they have.  Long term marriages, never easy, can be some of the greatest success stories of the universe.  No, the beauty of youth isn't present.  Nor is the beauty of middle age.  Yet, within the wrinkles lie a tale of love greater than can ever be made for the silver screen.  "On Golden Pond" is one of those movies that comes close to expressing this, but misses many points.  The things that once bugged the hell out of you that spouse has done over the years suddenly become points that you love about them.  No matter what they do, you only see them through the beating of your heart.  They are indeed, so beautiful.  Here's Joe Cocker.

When death becomes a reality that is nearer than ever before, you joke about it.  Fear does nothing but ruin the moment, so enjoy what you have left.  Blood, Sweat & Tears now with "And When I Die."

We are all living in the moment.  Oh, we plan for the future, but the future is never guaranteed.  I've already died twice in my life, once by snake bite and once by heart attack.  Either the third time will be the charm, or I'm going to be like one of my cats and do it seven more times.  

I don't know that I believe in an afterlife, but I can't say that I don't believe in it either.  If it's there, then hopefully, some of my actions during my life will be negated by the good ones.  Hopefully, it's enough to get me to the good destination.  Here's the Edwin Hawkins Singers.

If there is no afterlife, well, then that's it!  I'll have lived my life to its fullest.  I've climbed cliffs, sky and skin dived, snow and water skied, worked with venomous reptiles, alligators and big cats, totaled out a motorcycle,  been shot at, played in a rock band, worked as a radio disc jockey, did stand-up comedy, succeeded in business, swam with the money sharks in corporate headquarters, and had a swim fin nipped by a barracuda in Puerto Rico.  I've traveled the world, ate foods many would turn their noses up at, and slept in places others would be scared to death to even visit.  

Now, if I could only finish my damn book before it's over!