Monday, July 29, 2013

School Time, School Time ... Happy! Happy!


To many of us, the end of July and the beginning 
of August means 
only  one thing.


The damn little monsters will be going back to school soon!!!!

Okay, here come the ogre comments! I can already 
see them.

"Oh, you bastard, 
don't you like kids?"

"What's wrong with you? Children are precious!"

"You're just a 
grumpy old fart!"

"What an assh*le!"

Blah, blah, blah ...
etc., etc., etc.

I'm only saying what most think, but won't admit to openly.

I love kids, but too much of any good thing is a waste of sanity!

There's a feeling of elation when I walk into a department store and see all the back to school items on sale.  I know that hard working class families will be able to save money and properly supply their children for the upcoming school year.  The happy, little smiling faces that are so thrilled to be getting new school supplies ...


To break, lose, and throw at other happy, little smiling faces on the school bus!

Many parents feel the same as I about being somewhat relieved when school starts up.  Here are some of my favorite reasons, and probably some of yours, as to why this relief is so blessed.


I scream to get what I want
when I want where I want!
And don't you try to stop me!!
1)  Very few, if any, screaming brats in the grocery store with their parents in the middle of the day.  The last thing I need when trying to figure out what my stomach is requesting is a brat filling the air with sound wave proclamations of, 

"I want, I want, I want, I want ... Gimme, Gimme, Gimme ... WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

   (If this ever happened in a gun shop I'm sure the press would be out in droves sensationalizing the results of the event.)

2)  Watching the neighborhood bushes to see if one of the little suckers will dart out in front of you while driving will be less stressful during school hours.  They should all be tucked away nicely in the classrooms we pay our taxes to cage them in.  If there is an escapee, and they happen to run in front of the car, there will be fewer witnesses to the event, making court appearances short and effective.


Restaurants are cool.  Look at all the
neat stuff we can find to throw!!
3)  Restaurant dining will become less dangerous during noontime excursions.  Flying mashed potatoes from pre-teens, loud obnoxious profanity from spoiled teenagers, and extremely long lines filled with cars holding eight kids (each paying for their own order) at drive-up windows will magically disappear in a couple of weeks.  Once again, the stupidity of the order takers will be able to be blamed on them, instead of the stress the kids put them through.

4) Mid-day traffic problems will be a thing of the past!   How many stoplights will be made because you weren't held up at the last one by a group of teenagers texting each other in the car instead of talking to each other?  Not only that, but the thumping $2000 car with the $10,000 stereo system will be parked at the school, instead of next to you at the light.  Finally, you'll be able to listen to your music without turning it up to the max.  Headache medicine sales will drop because of this, too!


Give a gift to remember if you
want an afternoon to remember!
5)  Afternoon delight will go back to involving adults instead of nap times for kids.  Let loose with the squeals and groans all you want.  Hell, even bring out the cowboy hats and French Maid outfit!  The kids are gone!!!!  Enjoy it while you can and as much as you can!  Just remember, the little imps come home every day at about the same time.  30 minute orgasms with pigs (as Kristi would say) need to be timed out to coincide with school bus arrivals.  Otherwise, you'll be explaining what the pig is doing in your bed!

6)  Go back to chatting on the web and living dangerously in web hot tubs with unknown companions.  Live your fantasies to the fullest and still be safe.  Just make sure you wipe the perspiration from your forehead and upper lip before the kids get home and do a search on your site history!


Look at those buns!!!!
7)  Go to the mall and look at all the cute asses walking by.  I don't care if you're male or female, there are plenty of asses to browse at the mall.  Grab yourself a table at the edge of the food court, enjoy your coffee, and gurgle as those buns jiggle by.  Just be careful and not sit close to the senior citizen circuit.  Those buns don't jiggle ... they drag the ground!  You might as well go find a pig.

8)  Get off your ass and exercise or dance!  No kids will be home to make fun of you.  Rise up and get moving!  Re-visit the 70's, the 80's, the 90's and dance to your heart's desire.  Again, be careful of the time or you may have a whole school bus load of wide eyed loud mouths telling the neighborhood you were practicing your stripper moves!


I'm watching what you leave in the
DVD player regardless 

of what you say!

9)  Put in a movie that you want to watch!  Instead of viewing the Littlest Mermaid for the 571st time, put in something you want to see.  Sit back and enjoy an afternoon tearjerker, love story, or hot porno if you choose.  Do remember that when the kids come home the DVD or BlueRay needs to be put away, not left in the machine for them to ask your spouse what men and women and pigs do without clothes on!

10)  Cheat on your diet!  F*ck the calories!  Dig in and enjoy the chocolate ice cream over the chocolate brownie with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.  If you feel guilty, cut up a damn banana and tell yourself you're eating something healthy!  Who's to know what you do when the kids are gone?  Cheat all you want!  Just wash the dishes after you're done or the next time you have a hard time getting into your jeans, some smart ass little mouth is going to say, "If you'd lay off the chocolate ice cream while we're at school, they'd fit!"

So, will I be happy when the kids go back to school?  

Let me say that the education of our youth depends on the quality of education they receive.  Without proper education, our children will grow up to follow in the footsteps of the leaders of today.  If you want your children to be intelligent and have a great future, home school them. 

However, if you like the thoughts of enjoying some of the items on the list above ...


Send the little monsters to school!!!!


You'll be happy you did!


26 comments:

  1. LOL I loved this real life situation, Rich. Thanks for sharing your humor and the 'facts of life' at the end of the summer.

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    1. Denise - Good to see you this morning! Glad you enjoyed this one. It's not that I hate kids ... much. I just don't want to deal with them everywhere I go. School days really help to alleviate that. lol I think we all need a rest from their energy levels (as well as screaming levels). lol Many Thanks!

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  2. lol! ahhh haha ---> "Not only that, but the thumping $2000 car with the $10,000 stereo system will be parked at the school, instead of next to you at the light." zzzzz boom boom zzzzz. I love this post! :)

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    1. DR - I have a feeling you're feeling some of the same love I am. lol Don't you love the thumpers? I think most must have earplugs in. Otherwise they'd have no hearing left. What's funny is to listen to the bolts rattle in their cars every time the bass hits. I keep waiting on one to fall apart in the road in front of me one day. Then, it'd be just the driver and his bass, sitting there in the open wondering, "What the "boom boom" happened?" :) Many Thanks!

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  3. I freaking love it. You are absolutely right...and very well said. So glad to see the brats back in school.

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    1. Michael - Thanks for stopping in, my friend! At least when school's in session, we really know who the real delinquents are by their presence. lol Makes it easier for the cops to keep an eye on them when the others are in the classroom. We must remember that not all kids are brats. Only 99.9% of them! :) Appreciate the comments! Many Thanks!

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    2. I must admit...I am one of those delinquents you speak of...but what can I say, it's due to a poor upbringing.

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    3. I could consider myself the same, but I'm afraid they'd still put me in an adult jail if I were to be arrested. Oh the Inhumanities! lol Love it, my friend!

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  4. Lizzi - Good morning from the states! I couldn't resist. It seemed so fitting a comment for the piece! lol Ah, tis not I with the undone zipper (except 50 times a day at the urinal) lol. I know nothing about pigs other than what I learned from Kristi. Tis only just to share knowledge with the world. :) Glad you enjoyed! Many Thanks!

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  5. Good to see you. This post has a different meaning for me: I just FINISHED three weeks of grad courses (that's why I've been incognito), and I have an art show this week. THEN I have to be back at school next week to get ready for my OWN teaching job. LOL...I'm surrounding by learning...or something. LOLOL

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    1. Cyndi - Really good to see you here. Been following your travels on FB, and knew you were so busy I didn't want to bother you. It's a masters in Spanish for one, right? You're definitely not one of the "kid" I'm talking about here. You'd never tell anyone about eating ice cream and not being able to get into jeans. lol. Take a break every now and then and stop in. You've been greatly missed! Many thanks!

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  6. 39 that is THIRTY NINE days before school starts. Not that I am keeping track or anything...

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    1. Kerri - Wow! That's a long time for you guys to wait. It starts the middle of August around here. Of course, that's because it takes the kids to understand that the school bus isn't taking them to their new foster parents! lol I have a feeling of sadness for you, my friend. Hang in there as it's now almost 38 1/2!!! :) Besides, it will give you plenty of time to get that French Maid outfit cleaned! Many thanks!

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    2. You just made me choke on my M&M.

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    3. And don't forget the cowboy hat for those Wild West afternoons! (God, I wish I could remember those days. It's hell getting old! lol)

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  7. You are so politically incorrect it's not even funny. But actually- it is.

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    1. Julie - Good to see you survived FlogHer! It must have been terrible getting beat for three days straight! I have to admire your tolerance for pain, that's for sure! Oh, Blogher ... that's right ... sorry. :) You know I do my best to be PI (politically incorrect). Crowds and me do get along, just not the PC one. lol Glad you enjoyed! Many Thanks!

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  8. hahahaha kids NEED to be in school, they're bored by July.
    p.s. I LOVE your "add a banana" trick! I like to throw raw spinach on top of taco meat and melty cheese and call it a taco SALAD! Huzzah!
    Back To School is for parents like what the end of the school year is for kids. All over my Facebook newsfeed, EVERY YEAR, tons of parents are celebrating! It's totally not just you. You just say it in a MUCH MORE FUNNY way!

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    1. Joy - You really don't know how tempted I was to say, "Joy, whatta joy to see you!" However, after much debate, I figured you'd reply, "Oh Rich, that's rich. I've never had anyone say that to me before." So, I thought better of saying it (oops). I remember being bored with them by the middle of June. lol Bananas, strawberries, and even the chocolate (you know, dairy group) can be classified as healthy. That's why you can always call Baskin Robbins a Health Food Restaurant! lol Again, your words are only too kind. I just call it the way I see it and (as Julie mentioned above) completely politically incorrect! lol Many Thanks!

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  9. Loved it, Richard.

    I am waiting for my monster to go back to school...gotta get on a routine :)

    Shared it across!!

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    1. Ruchira - Really good to see you again! I remember the days when we couldn't wait for school to start. I thought when the kids are out of the house this feeling will be over. I guess some things never change. lol Appreciate the sharing! Many thanks!

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  10. My kid has "extended services" which means he gets part time school this summer but NOT ENOUGH and hellz yes, I can't wait for school to start up again for me and for him. I especially look forward to putting in the movie I WANT to watch. Thought about queuing up True Blood today when my 4yold didn't take a nap (WTF) but didn't and deserve a parenting award, I'm sure.

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    1. Kristi - You sound tired, my dear! Not enough free time! lol I award you the "I Didn't Turn On The Vampires and Werewolves That Would Scare My Son Silly" Award! Besides, I've already watched it and it's not that great. lol Patience, it will soon be a thing of the past and you can watch and dance on your stripper pole, oops, dance to the 90's music all you want! Many Thanks!

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    2. Rich, I hate to be the one to break it to you but if I pole dancing, I'd likely be the one to fall flat on my face. :)
      And I know! I totally deserve that award, right? Thanks!

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  11. I'm sending both of my monsters to school this fall for the first time. I'm bookmarking this so I know what to do with my time... ;-)

    Thanks for linking up with us at the Humor Me Blog Hop!

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    1. Sarah - You're going to love it!!! You'll want to say it's lonely at home, but you'll be loving it before you know it! Again, remember, curtains closed while pole dancing! lol Many Thanks!

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