Thursday, December 20, 2012

Nominees, Humor, & The Lord & I Talk

Hello, Lord!

Well, Well, Well … how about that!  I got nominated for an award!

Yes Lord, I know people make mistakes, but this is a big one!  Why?  Because I’m similar to the “Grinch  That Stole Christmas” … that’s why!  Everyone knows I complain about every little thing, make mountains out of molehills, and take sarcasm so close to the extreme that some even misunderstand it’s intent and find it mean at times.  Why, I’ve even had my wife look at me and say, “I can’t believe you wrote that!  You are a bastard!”

Okay, he's typing again.  Time for me to take a nap.
Yes, I sleep on my side like he does ... it's contagious!
Oh, you know that there’s always a little humor in a disaster area, too.  Well, I shouldn’t be surprised.  You’ve witnessed many of those over the centuries, haven’t you?  But, since we live in a blame shifting society, you do understand that you’re the blame for my sarcasm, don’t you?

Wait a minute, that’s one thing you can’t throw back at me and say it’s my fault.  I remember doing some really weird things in my life, well before I ever thought about doing stand-up.  In fact, since part of this is supposed to be about seven things people don’t know about me, let’s talk about a few of them.

1.  My first time to perform was way before I started into kindergarten.  I remember my grandparents sitting on our couch laughing their tails off as I pretended I was various characters that Red Skelton used to portray on his comedy hour.  You had to have something to do with that!

2.   I remember my mother taking me to the movies one Saturday.  They were showing a western, where the bad guy was Tex Terry.  He made a special appearance that day at the theater.  He pulled up in front of the place in his Cadillac convertible with the big Texas Longhorn horns sticking out of the hood.  After the flick, he went onstage and demonstrated his accuracy with the bullwhip.  When he asked for volunteers from the audience, I was the first one up there with him.  Holding that folded paper as he flipped the whip at it was scary, but when he missed and hit my finger instead, I will admit, I exaggerated a little as I played the injury out to the audience.  I loved being the center of attention even then.  Tell me you didn’t have anything to do with that, too!

3.  Yes, Show & Tell was my favorite part of early Elementary School.  It gave me a few minutes to get up in front of the class and try to get a few laughs by describing whatever I had brought a little differently than most did.  See, you’d started something and the ball just kept rolling!

4.   I know … I was hooked.  For years, I’d watched the Student Body President get up in front of the whole school to introduce guest performers and artists for special school events.  That’s the only reason I ran for the office to begin with.  When I won, it provided me with a year of emcee experience that most don’t ever get.  I loved being out there in front of a thousand other kids and getting them to laugh before the main introduction.  I know, it really pissed off the principal, but he was a turkey anyway.  Right?  Yeah, I know, respect your elders.

5.  You even gave me the chance to get my future wife laughing the first time we met.  She was so down and depressed about the situation she was in that a smile did her good.  Of course, that was 32 years ago.  You’ve stuck me in a lifetime contract to perform for free to her.  Couldn’t you have made it worth my while in a financial aspect … just a little?   No, I’m not greedy, just broke, as you know, and needing some quick cash.  You sure didn’t help me last night on the two scratch off’s I purchased, or even in the Powerball ticket selection.  Three lines of numbers and not one that matched those drawn!  I thought you knew everything?

6.   I know, I’ve fallen in love again.  It’s a matter of softness and tenderness.  It’s a freedom to expand and move without restriction.  My heart is experiencing a relationship like never before.  Please, whatever you do, don’t stop the manufacturing of sweat pants, T-shirts, and hoodies!

7.  No, this isn’t the first situation you’ve put me in to test my faith.  I’ve been shot at in the Middle East before it was the common thing, bitten by a Cape Cobra in South Africa and awoke three days later on life support, survived multiple drug experimentations in the early 70’s, and even proved a heart attack can’t keep me down.  What’s that you say?  Only the good die young!  I guess that’s why you’re still around, too!   C'mon, smile just a little.  I know you can take a joke.  Why, look at me!  I just received this nomination!  You ought to be laughing your beard clean of last night’s supper over that one!

You didn’t have anything to do with that one?  C’mon Lord, you’re not going to float there and tell me that Melanie Chisnall did it on her own, are you?  I mean, let’s be real.  Here’s a person that is professional in every way.  She writes a fantastic blog called “Scribbles and Smiles” and does all types of professional stuff.  You know, like drink wine for days on end at festivals, eats pastries until the sugar jitters sends her into a state of energy shock, and does her best to help all those homeless animals find some love down in South Africa. 

No, she’s younger than that.  I was in South Africa about 34 years ago and she just partied herself silly at her 30th birthday party.  Yes, I’m sure.  I didn’t do anything there anyway except spend too much time in the hospital after getting bit by that cobra.  You know that!  Oh, you’re teasing me a little.  No sense of humor, huh?  Remember, you’re supposed to set the example!

This is the tag you add.  The one on the
side of the blog has the link included!
Anyway, she got all mixed up one day and somehow nominated me.  As if that’s not bad enough, now I have to nominate several others in the same manner.  I know, I’d nominate everyone if I could.  Hell, they’re all tremendous bloggers and friends.  And you know what else, I’ve got to give each and every one of them credit for reading the weird stuff I come up with from time to time.  Maybe if you didn’t give me such a boring life, I could come up with something worthwhile to read … but nooooooo … you simply want me to go to extremes to bring a smile.  

 I know, a smile helps a person to get through their times of stress.  So, why didn’t you give me a smile and let me win some cash last night?  Huh?  C’mon, let’s practice what we preach!

So who am I going to nominate?  You don’t know?  I thought you knew everything.  Oh, you’re just making conversation.  Like you have no one else to talk to, right?

1)  Even though she’s been nominated before, I’ve got to go with Janine Huldie, and her blog “Confessions of a Mommyaholic.”  Yeah, I know, I’m hooked on mommy blogs.  I just get a kick out of the way Janine can be so damn honest in everything she writes.  From no bathroom privacy to sending her husband to sleep on the couch, Janine doesn’t hold back.  And, not only is she one of the most loyal readers I have, she’s fast.  It’s almost like she’s sitting there, waiting on me to publish something … and boom … there’s a comment awaiting me.  With speed like that, I don’t know how in the dickens she ever conceived two kids!

2)  You’re sitting there shaking your head like you know who’s next.  So who is it?  Okay, so you did know.  Yep, Terrye Toombs and her “The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan” is right!  Terrye is one of the funniest writers I know.  Why, she’s even given me a couple of ideas for hubs, and I’ve tried to return the favor.  In fact, she’s one of the few comedians that you don’t have to worry about stealing your ideas and using them for her own benefit.  She’s a loving mother, the owner of a boy toy husband, and a great friend to have, even if she is somewhat misplaced.  I know, that was a bad pun.  So, Lord, why didn’t you stop me from typing it?  Oh, so now you’re going to throw up the hands like you don’t know.  Geesh!

3)  Yes, I’m going to include a guy in this one.  Clark Farley and his “Wakefield Doctrine” writing is so advanced in concept that it took me a time or two or reading it to understand the idea.  But, once I grasped it, I found it to be extremely interesting.  Kind of “mind exercise” and “enjoyment” all merged into one.  And, he’s smart.  He keeps it going, like an old movie house serial, so you have to keep coming back over and over to keep up with it.  What do you mean it’s not that hard to keep up with?  Well, you’re all knowing, right?  Of course it’s easy for you!  Remember, I only have the brain you gave me.  What do you mean you were stingy that day?

4)  My last nominee is Emily Cappo with her blog “Oh Boy Mom.”  Why, let me tell you, some of the things her boys get into remind me of when I was young.  No, I didn’t have an I-Phone back then.  You know as well as I do that they weren’t even being thought of.  Anyway, Emily has a real natural way of letting you know what’s going on in her house and in her mind, and sometimes, you just gotta let loose with more than a chuckle. 

And now, you’ve done it to me.  There’s so many more I’d like to nominate, but just don’t have the space.  Plus, I’m not really sure as to if they’ve been nominated already.  Some have put the badge on their blogs and others haven’t.  So, I’m kind of guessing.  Yes, I’ve been guessing about things most of my life.  Just had to get that in, didn’t you? 

But, I seriously feel as though everyone’s blog should qualify in this nomination process.  People put their hearts and souls … okay, I won’t say souls, they’re yours … they put their hearts into their blogs and deserve to have the badge, too. 

So, that’s it!  It’s been nice talking with you this morning, even if you are hard to get along with sometimes.  And, Lord, if you don’t mind, Saturday night, if you’re not busy, how about helping me out a little with the next Powerball drawing.

Oh, almost forgot …