Saturday, March 8, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: A Look at Death and the Academy Awards

Visit ALL the Great Thankful Hops HERE!!!
I'm writing this on Wednesday evening.  

(No, I'm not so excited that
 I can't wait to do it.)

Unfortunately, I just received word that a relative of mine just passed away ... kicked the bucket ... hit the final home run ... played his last role in the game of life ... visited his last porn site ... died.

With his funeral on Friday morning, and with me working another 12 hour day on Thursday, there really isn't any way to get this done other than to do it right now.  Thus, here I am.

Don't feel sad for me.  Besides at the funerals of others, I haven't really sat down and talked with him in over forty years.  Oh, he sent me plenty of anti-Obama emails and such (most of which I glanced at and deleted), and even a few of semi clad females. (Of which I must admit, he had a great eye for!)  Still, it has been so long that I've forgotten most of what we used to talk about.

Golf ... that was his passion.  My father could never understand why he loved the game so dearly.  (Obviously, my father never picked up a club in his life.)  But, even during our rare family visits to his home, he always had the Sunday afternoon PGA golf event playing on the television.

So much for my trip down memory lane.  I know I'll change my attitude after visiting and talking with the family.  And, I hope the survive this rough time.

I'm not sure that I'll recognize him.  It's always difficult to see someone lying prone and say, "Oh yeah, he looks so natural!"  How would one know that unless they'd seen him lying prone with his eyes closed multiple times!  Think about it.  How many times have you seen members of your outer family group lying on their backs.  Let me rephrase that question, "How many of you that don't live in Mississippi or Eastern Kentucky have experience seeing members of your outer family group lying on their backs?"  (Well, you know, "If she's good enough for dad ... ")

I have no recollection of ever seeing this relative lying on his back with his eyes closed.  What if I go into the wrong room of the funeral home?  How will I know if I'm looking at the right corpse or not?  

"Wow, you mean this isn't him?  
Damn, looks just like him to me!  
Are you sure it isn't him?"

What really bothers me is when the deceased wears glasses, and they put the glasses on them in the casket!  I've never worn my glasses to bed, so why would I wear them lying on my back in a casket?  Do they think I'm going to pop up and ask for my laptop or something?  What if you were looking down at the deceased and his eyes popped open?  

"Hey, just wanted to see who was visiting!  Wow, you look so natural, too!"

I have a feeling you'd crap yourself.  Then, you'd get to hear the stupid uncle come into the room and say something like, "Damn, who died in here?  What the hell did he eat before he clocked out, anyway?"

Another thing ... have you ever noticed how funerals tend to be judging contests?  It's like American Idol, but here you're rated for you energy level, health problems, and length of term before you're going to be the one everyone comes to visit ... lying prone!  It's kind of like:

"And there he is entering the funeral home!  Looking good, today, plenty of zip to the step.  Oh, he stumbles on the carpet and squints while writing his name in the guest register.  That's a hidden problem, folks.  First the eyes go and then the body!  He's not as good at remembering names of relatives this time around, either!  In fact, I'd say the mind is going fast!  His color is good, so I'm guessing he'll do fine for another year or two of hard work before we see him in the casket for good!  Well done, my friend, well done!"

Anyway, Friday will be a busy day for me as it's a three hour drive there, the funeral, a three hour drive back, a stop at Best Buy to pick up this week's release of the new Hunger Games Blu-Ray, a quick check-in at work, and then home to watch the movie and publish this post in the hop.  Hop?  Yeah, you know the one ...

Ten Things Of Thankful!

First, I'd like to say that our hosts ... all of them ... do a great job in hosting this hop.  To see them jumping from post to post like a frat boy in a sorority house makes ones heart swell with wonderment.  All should take lessons from their efforts and learn.

Okay, enough butt kissing for today!  
Yeah, I'm boring, too!

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Academy Awards.  From all reports, they were as boring as I imagined them being when I decided not to watch them.  However, the pizza joint that supplied the pizzas has had a great boost in business.  Funny how that seems to be the most important topic of a three hour television program.  (No anchovies, actors, actresses, or boring speeches ... please!)

2)  Burger King's Big Fish Sandwich 2 for $5 special.  How else could I make myself sick and vow never to eat them again if I hadn't of taken advantage of this televised treat?  And, what's with this whip cream atop the chocolate milkshake that's so thick it doubles for window caulking?

"Remember, we cover anything,
until you need us!"
3)  Nationwide Insurance.  What a wonderful company!  Years ago, I discovered they required me to take a vehicle to a certain body shop, locally known for poor quality and escalated prices.  More recently, they notified me that just because I was driving a car, it didn't mean they covered me or the vehicle while doing so.  And, now, they add over $90 a month to my bill for the new car I purchased for my wife!

Yes, Nationwide, I thank you for your continuing surprises, lack of customer service, and outrageous charges.  After twenty years of doing business with you, this loyal customer has found Geico.  They seem to be much more "On My Side" than you do, so bye-bye!

4)  Pope Francis.  How would you like to be the Pope and get your own magazine?  Yep, a magazine entitled, "My Pope" is going to be published weekly and entirely devoted to the Pope.  Now, think about it, how much can one person do in a week to have a weekly magazine devoted to them.  I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of pictures.  (See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope defecating breakfast.  See the Pope eating lunch.  See the Pope eating dinner.  See the Pope sleeping at night.  See the Pope eating breakfast.  See the Pope taking a laxative.)
"Yes, my name is Putin tane,
ask me again and I'll say the same!"

5)  Russian President Vladimir Putin.  President Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  He joins the ranks of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Rush Limbaugh in being so nominated.  When asked what they thought of the nomination, citizens in the Ukraine stated, "None of us nominated the mutha f**ker!"

6)  SAT Test Requirements.  As Americans grow more and more stupid thanks to the government's "No Child Gets Ahead" regulations, the SAT has been forced to change.  Now, essay questions are optional and there is no penalty for wrong answers.  Says one high schooler after taking the new test, "I kin't wait ta go ta coolage.  Mama alway tol' me if I paid detention en listened to rappers, I cud amount ta sumthin!"

7)  The Moon.   The United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs has determined that no one owns the moon for now.  Millions of moon creatures are celebrating with the knowledge they won't be taxed by the United States or Russia or China for anything.  Said one moon creature, "They all full of space doodoo if they think we're gonna pay them anything.  Fact is, they still owe us for all the trash they left here last time they visited!"

8)  Justin Bieber jail pictures.  More Justin Bieber jail pictures have been released by the arresting police department.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

"Iffin' I don't lick my fingers,
does that count as a diet?"

9)  Mississippi.  This year's winner of the Most Obese Population State is Mississippi!   Turns out, fried shrimp, fried okra, fried chicken, fried catfish, fried chicken fried steak, and fried pork chops tend to stay with a person for a while.  Said one Mississippi resident, "Who gives a damn iffin' we fat?  Hell, tha eatin's good.  Pull yerself up a bench and grab a plate!"

10)  Third Graders caught smoking pot.  Three third graders at a Northern California elementary school were caught smoking pot in the Boys Bathroom last week.  Since all of them are under the age of twelve, it is questionable as to if any will face criminal charges.  Officials stated that they will first have to determine if the boys knew right from wrong.  An intelligent person might ask, "Do the officials know right from wrong in even thinking about prosecuting 8 and 9 year olds for something that's legal for any adult in the state suffering with a hang nail?"

So, that's it!  Another week of thankful to be thankful for.  Be sure to visit the other blogs in the hop and see what really being thankful means.  

Meanwhile, I'm going to a funeral.  If I can't figure out which one is which, I might have to stay for two.  

Wish me luck!


Hey, before you go ... I hope you enjoyed the smile today!  If you did, how about giving my other entry this week a little love.  No, it's not a humor post nor is it a political rant.  Instead, this is one that you'd do better reading on a sunshiny day instead of a dark night.  If you like mystery with a hint of the unknown visit it at

Visit "From Whom Are You Hiding" HERE!!! 
 Many Thanks!