Friday, March 27, 2015

An Evening With The Felines and TTOT !!!!

I've had two of the worst months in business ever.  I'm frustrated, aggravated, and fighting depression with every step.  My mind is fried.

I have nothing to say.

An inner voice, trained to do battle with the down in the dumps syndrome, says, "Everything will turn around.  It's only a temporary thing.  Put on a smile and stay a while!"

I hate inner voices.

Sit back and envision inner voices coming out of my body, smiling and dancing and saying goofy crap like, "A quitter never wins and a winner never quits.  Think out of the box.  You'll never reach a destination you don't set your sights on.  Walmart is your savings place!"

I Like To Eat Inner Voices!! Bwahahaha!
Then, along, out of nowhere, comes a giant outer voice, grabs them with his long nasty claws and gobbles them up!  

That would teach them.

I didn't stop to purchase anything for dinner.  I should have taken the time to do so, but didn't want to fight the traffic to go to some drive up window and end up getting the wrong order considering my recent run of luck.

There's a frozen pizza in the fridge.  I hate frozen pizzas as they never have enough sauce to get rid of the cardboard taste.  But it's here and I'm here.  Not a lot of choices, unless I develop an urge for canned cat food.

"Yum, Yum, for the tum, tum!"

My wife isn't home.  She left before I got home to spend tonight with my daughter.  That will give me an evening all to myself ... and two cats.  I can imagine the conversation we'll have.

(Faletame)  "Hey, Rich!  What do you say we watch some more college basketball?  That usually perks you up."  

(Me)  "Sounds like a great idea, boy.  I knew I loved you for a reason."  

(Gabriela)  "Well, I don't want to watch anymore basketball.  That's all you've watched as of late.  Basketball, basketball, basketball!  I'd like to take a basketball and jam it up your ... well, a lady doesn't describe such things.  Let's just say it would make hemmoroids seem like sesame seeds."

(Faletame)  "Whatta bitch!"

(Gabriela)  "Yes I am ... or was until I got my tubes tied.  You're the one that got everything cut off, aren't you, Faletame?"

(Faletame)  "Like I said, whatta bitch."

(Me)  "Okay you two, cut it out.  You remind me of the girls when they were young.  Always fighting and such ... enough to drive me crazy at times.  Gabriela, if you're not interested in basketball you can always go into the bedroom and watch Animal Planet."

(Gabriela)  "Sure, get me to leave the room so you two can talk about me behind my tail.  You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

(Me)  "Why are you so paranoid, girl?  You're like a doper at a state police convention.  Haven't I always treated you right?"

(Gabriela)  "Sure you have.  First, you kidnap me and bring me here, against my will, in a cardboard box.  Then, you open the lid and I see this scawny, neutered albino feline trying to block my escape.  And, if that wasn't enough, you start writing about me and naming me "Gabriela, the Demon Cat!"   If you hadn't of stopped writing those stories I'd have shown you just how much of a demon I could be."

(Faletame)  "Whatta bitch!"

(Me)  "Girl, I have no doubt, and I've apologized your previous owner didn't let you know she was sending you away.  She was probably afraid you'd neuter her boyfriend one night while he was sleeping!  Okay, how about I get the portable mini TV and you sit in here watching what you want with the earplugs on?  What'll it be, Puss 'n Boots, again?"

(Gabriela)  "Oh, yeah, like the last time when you fell asleep in your computer chair and I damn near ripped off my ears pulling at those things when I had to go to the litter box.  I should have whizzed right here on the couch or jumped in your lap and let it go so you'd think you wet your pants, but I'm too much of a lady."

(Faletame)  "Whatta bitch!"

(Me)  "Okay, then how about this?  I'll give you a choice of basketball games to choose from right after you two eat.  It's Tuna night!  Yummy, yummy, yummy it's tuna for the tummy!"

(Gabriela)  "Oh God, Faletame, he's talking to us like we're three months old.  I think I'm going to purchase him a Thesaurus for next Christmas just so I don't have to listen to his crap."

(Faletame)  "Whatta bitch!"

... and so the evening will go.  That is ... until Gabriela gets tired of Faletame calling her names and the fight begin!

But, now it's time for 
Ten Things Of Thankful!  

Lizzi and her tribe ... overworked and greatly appreciated ... times ten, or ten times what is appreciated in our lives

Time to get busy!!!

This week I'm thankful for:

1)  Gregg Allman.  
It's not every day you get to see a legend perform.  In fact, the older we get, the fewer there are of them. And, much to the dismay of the audience, there are some that should have quit long ago as their voices have long left the realm of listenable.

Not so with Gregg Allman!

Last Saturday night, at Belterra Casino, Gregg Allman put on one hell of a show.  No, none of the original band members were accompanying him, but the stand in members, or current members of his touring band, if you will, did an excellent job of reminding all of us lucky enough to be present why the Allman Brothers Band is a timeless main act. 

Classic tunes, such as "Statesboro Blues", "Midnight Rider", "Whipping Post", "Melissa and close to a dozen more filled the air for almost two hours.  Yours truly and the rest of the audience was more than thankful for the quality and effort provided.

Thanks, Gregg!  It was a great evening!

2)  Loud Mouth Concert Goers.
Recognizing that concerts are a time to relax and have a good time, one expects to see some that party a little too much at concerts.  That is an expectation that one would be ignorant to deny.

However, I do have a hard time with people that go to concerts to socialize, carrying on long and loud conversations while the act is performing.  I'm thankful that they do it, though, as it proves that some people are far from perfect, courteous, respectful, or even have the common sense to understand that people around them could give a damn about their oh so monumental lives.  

Concerts aren't cheap.  If I wanted to listen to an evening of listening to El Toro Defecation conversation I'd record a week's worth of CSPAN and listen to it all at continuously.  

In other words, if you find yourself being described in the preceding paragraph, the next time you're at a concert and the act is onstage, please "Shut the F**K UP!"

3)  H.J. Heinz & Kraft Foods Merger
Yep, these two food giants are merging this week.  Philadelphia Cream Cheese, Oscar Mayer meats, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and Heinz Ketchup, just to name a few, will all be manufactured under the same corporate title before long.  This merger will create one of the largest food corporations in the world.  Obviously, the merger will also lend itself to new combinations, I'm sure.  Anyone for Kraft Macaroni & Ketchup?

4)  Collapse of the Universe
Scientists have discovered when the collapse of the universe will take place.  (I know, just something else for you to worry about, right?)

"Okay, I bet $50 on May 5th, 55,042.
Any takers?"
Scientists are calling the opposite of the "Big Bang Theory" the "Collapse Theory."  This will be the time that the universe stops expanding and starts to collapse, bringing everything within it together.  

Envision this.  

First, you have two dips of Vanilla Ice Cream in a dish.  Next, add a cut up Banana.  Then, add chocolate syrup, crushed nuts, a cherry and whipped cream.  Now, drop all of that in a blender and turn it on full blast. 

That's what the universe is going to look like when it collapses.

The scientists are saying this will take place in a few tens of billions of years.  So, if you were planning on skipping your house or car payment this month in lieu of this amazing (?) so-called discovery, you might want to think twice about doing so.  Personally, I'm going to start an office pool, just to see if I can get anyone to give me their money.  Like, any of us will be around to collect ... right?

5)  Rich / Poor Gap.

According to a recent survey, the gap between the rich and poor has substantially widened in 21 major American cities between 2007 and 2013.

Here are the Top Ten
of the most unequal
 of all the cities.

1)  Atlanta, Ga.
2)  San Francisco, Ca.
3)  Boston, Ma.
4)  Miami, Fl.
5)  Washington, D.C.
6)  New York, N.Y.
7)  Dallas, Tx.
8)  Chicago, Il.
9)  Los Angeles, Ca.
10)  Minneapolis, Mn.

 This is very indicative of the diminishing middle class.

Someone's making money 
and it's not most of us!

This tends to bring back stories from a time in history.  "It was the best of times and it was the worst of times.  Madame DeFarge ... sitting with her knitting and singing to the up tempo beat of the guillotine was enjoying the sight of the heads of the rich rolling into the straw basket ... one after one ... as the afternoon sun slowly set in the Western Sky.  There were heads of Democrats and Republicans (once leaders in Congress and Government) followed by CEO's, Sole Proprietors, and Wall Street Thieves of the common man.  The crowd's mood was only saddened as they realized festivities would cease upon the final light of the day.  Still, smiles reappeared when they remembered there were plenty of rich bastards left to continue the festivities for weeks to come.  

Life was good ... better than it had been in years ... unless you were one of the rich.  Yes, one of the rich that had taken advantage of their position to make their employees work holidays, labor endlessly for a bare pittance of what it would take to survive, and ignore the promises they'd made time and time again.  Lies and thievery had to have a consequence.  Now, it was time to pay!"

God, I love a good novel!

6)  House For Sale ... Explosive Pricing!
Okay, let's say you're a renter that has a landlord that wants you out so he could sell a house.  First, he tells everyone how bad they are, then goes and dumps some concrete down the drains, and finally calls the police to claim vandalism.  So, you move out to get away from the looney bastard.  Next thing you know, you're hearing a newscaster talk about a home in which a bomb had been found rigged to a bedroom clothes closet.  The house was the one in which you previously lived and you're being blamed.  If you were that renter, how would you feel?

Or, let's say you're landlord that has some renters that you don't agree with.  They're constantly late in paying rent, the house is filthy, and you're getting to the age you just don't want to mess with them anymore.  You tell them you're giving them notice to move and they go ballistic.  First, you find out they're dropping concrete down the drain so you go to the police.  They make the renters move, but then, one day, you discover a bomb set to explode on the next person that turns on the light in the bedroom clothes closet.  If you were that landlord, how would you feel?

This is all currently happening in Milton, Massachusetts. 

 Why do I have the feeling the answer will become part of 
a reality television show in the near future?

7)  Stars Wars Protected.
"Where's those damn 1,500
 National Guard troops at?"
The Empire is attempting to strike Luke Skywalker's home planet.

Devastation is their goal.

However, the Tunisian Government has sworn to protect Luke's homelands from the evil of the dark side, ISIS.  In fact, they have over 1,500 National Guard troops protecting it.

Yeah, I know, who the hell really cares.  Since ISIS attacks in Tunisia have started recently, Star Wars fans are concerned about the movie sets that were left there being demolished.  You don't hear the uproar from fans often these days, but mess with a Star Wars set and the wrath of the Force will damn you to an eternal death of burning hell.

Isn't it amazing how when historical artifacts were being 
destroyed a few weeks ago these fans were quiet?  
R2D2 can't even figure out this one!

8)  Smell like a Whopper!
If the smell of Burger King's flame broiled whoppers absolutely drives you crazy with desire, you need to be in Japan on April 1st.

Yep, Burger King will be releasing its Whopper scented cologne.

Quantities are limited to only 1,000 bottles, so you've got to get there early, even though the breakfast menu might not be your cup of tea.

Admit it ... you want it, so go get yours before it's too late!

And, if you notice 75 homeless men with napkins tied around their necks following you around town,
 just remember, they only want to smell you.  
The Zombie apocalypse has yet to begin!

9)  Nude Sunbathing Charges Dropped.
A 77 year old Utah man has had charges dropped in a lewdness case involving him sunbathing nude in his backyard.  Seems as though he'd been doing it for years without any problems.  Then, new neighbors moved in that had kids that couldn't keep their eyes from roaming.  Although there was a fence, it was only a chain link one that did nothing to stop their viewing him.  So, charges were filed by the parents.

Okay, here's a 77 year old guy that wants to lay in the sun.  He's done it without problems for years.  Then, these pricks move in and declare themselves to be above such behavior, making him change for them.

I think I'd charge them with being peeping toms!  How dare they look at me enjoying nature with nothing more than what God gave me!  What the hell good are they as parents if their kids don't have anything else to do but look at me nude.  Put the little suckers to work making shoes or sewing clothes for Walmart or something!

Anyway, the judge must have agreed with the old man and that his privacy was also being invaded on by the kids.  Finally, he was released with a clean record by agreeing to wear a one piece bathing suit from now on.

If it were me, that one piece might just be a speedo!

Nosey neighbors!

10)  The Hobbit, Part Three.
(a.k.a. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies)
  Alas, almost forty years after I read this novel, I've witnessed Hollywood's final episode.

My tears are flowing.

I'd forgotten all of those that gave their lives for our little hero.  The adventure had to have an end, and I recognize that I could always go back and watch it in order since the Lord of the Rings trilogy has already been released on film.  Still, I'm saddened by the knowledge that Bilbo is no longer looking for an adventure, and my thirst for a tale of fantasy never before expressed so eloquently is still burning in my throat.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I could begin my own quest.  I could fly to the Middle East, skirt dangerous ISIS commandos, survive dying of thirst in the desert, avoid bombings and bullets from unknown pilots above.  I might meet my maiden of passion.  She would be a beautiful dark haired woman of desire and excitement.  Together we could spy and relay our findings to those fighting the evil that is spreading so quickly.  It could be the fitting final chapter of a life already filled with dangerous, adrenaline junkie adventures and events.

And, then again, I could stay home, enjoy my Diet Cokes, cigarettes, and wait on the last installment of the Hunger Games.

But ... 

then again ...

"Why are you still typing when basketball is on?  
Damn, if you're not gonna watch it, change the channel to something good!
I hate basketball!!!"

"Whatta Bitch!"