Thursday, January 31, 2013

FTSF - Reality TV and Me

Well, here we are again!   

Finish the sentence Friday is here.  I'd thought about skipping this one and really taking a day off.  But, since the only blog posted on my site this week came from my cat, Gabriela, I have to remember my obligations.  So, let me get to it!   

Let it be kept in mind that I'm watching the final "Resident Evil" movie "Retribution" while I'm attempting to accomplish this.  So, if I seem somewhat spaced out at times, you'll know it's because I'm staring at and dreaming of a magnificent fantasy that includes myself and Milla Jovovich!    

You see, Milla and I have had a long relationship.  She represents everything I'd want in a woman.  Not only can she kick anyone's ass that decided to make fun of my writing, but she'd look great doing it!   And yes, I recognize that I have nothing to offer her, and really can't even tell you a thing about her personal life.  Still, we must enjoy fantasies wherever we can find them.   

Even my cat Faletame is stroking his whiskers and giving me a high five on this one!

Gabriela's saying, "Hey Faletame, thanks to the vet, you couldn't do anything with her if you wanted!"

What a bitch!

Oh, yes, it's finish the sentence Friday!   I had been slightly detracted, thinking about Milla.   Sweet Milla!   Such a lean, mean, fighting machine that looks so good in spandex and latex.  I mean, there's really not that many ladies that look good holding a gun!  But with Milla, it looks so natural.

Finish the Sentence Friday, Rich ... Finish the Sentence Friday ....

This week, the zookeepers are again:

They have put their heads together to come up with another stirring question guaranteed to reach new depths of septic tank sludge in requiring answers from all of those daring enough to participate.  

So, without further ado, let us see the sentence we are supposed to finish .....

If Milla Jovovich were to ask you or your husband out on a ..........

Sorry, wrong sentence.    Here's the real one:

“When it comes to reality TV shows, I…”

So, here I go...

When it comes to reality TV shows, I could make the journeys through them with Milla Jovovich by my side.

Together, we could use the method of body warming body as we traveled the frozen North in the land of Ice Road Truckers!  I'm sure we'd be in constant danger of melting the ice over which we drove our eighteen wheeler, yet, the crackling of the ice would only heighten the intensity of the drama shown on the screen.

Milla and I could show up the Gator Boys and catch a 20 foot gator by simply mesmerizing it with her beauty as I slipped up behind it and taped its jaws shut.  Then, together, we'd laugh and laugh as it wore itself out thrashing its tail around in anger at not being able to taste her flesh.

We'd travel to Texas and show the Rattlesnake Republic how to draw out the snakes by simply having Milla sing lightly as she trod through snake country.  Like the Pied Piper, she'd lead them to the boxes I'd prepared, into which they'd crawl to simply cool off from the heat she projected.

To the Amazon Jungle we'd go next.  The boys from Alabama, looking for gold, would find a new meaning to the title "Bamazon" upon seeing her in the tiny jungle garb she chose to wear.  So enthralled they'd be that they would never see me slipping all the gold they'd collected into my own backpack.  By the time they stopped thinking of the image of Milla, we'd be far away and safely enjoying the profits of the trip along the beaches of Rio!

Together, her and I could travel to Vegas and visit the Pawn Stars shop.  There, I'd wager with Chumley as to his ability to get Milla to go on a date with him.  After he lost, I'd take the Picasso and the two man helicopter and Milla and I would fly to the land of Anthony Boudain's five star restaurant selections in New York City!  Among the lights, we'd dine on the finest of delicacies, ending of course, with the one strand of spaghetti that drew our lips together.   (Remember the Lady And The Tramp?)

However, as with all reality TV shows, seasons end and shows are cancelled.  I'd finally remember that I was married and have to give up my dreams of Milla being forever in my life.  She, of course, would be completely heartbroken, and sue me for a nominal sum on the People's Court.  As a penalty for my discretion's, I'd be sent, along with eight high school kids, to a session of Scared Straight, where prison occupants would threaten to maim, injure, and even kill me if they ever saw me again.  

When it was over, my wife would come and pick me up, and tell me she'd scheduled appearances on both the Dr. Phil show and Jerry Springer to see if help was available for what I'd done.  Before I could appear, the stress would get to me, I'd have a fatal heart attack, and Ghost Hunters would come to Kentucky to spend the night in my house talking to my spirit.  They'd record an unknown voice, that when presented to my wife the next day, would draw screams of anger, as she listened to it say,

"Milla ... Milla ... Milla ...   You're one hot lady!"

Now, I'm getting back to watching the movie!   

Thank God for Blue Rays!!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Gabriela Speaks .... Again!

Hey Ladies!   It's Me, Gabriela!
Can we talk?

Okay, Rich is tired and worn out.  He's worked seven days straight and still has one to go before he gets a day off!  

At least, that's what he's telling me to say.  Actually, he's watching a basketball game.  Yeah, he's an ass at times!  Whenever college basketball season comes around, Faletame tells me Rich forgets about everything else and cements his big butt in front of his 50" television.  

I've never actually written a blog before.  Oh, I had that "Demon Cat" series that Rich has attached to his blog above, but that's in the past.  Besides, I might have pulled his leg a little on that one.  Tee hee hee!   Rich is so damn gullible at times!

So, I'm here ... and I know that most of you write "Mommy Blogs!"  Well guess what?  

I'm a mommy!!!!

So, I'm gonna fit right in here.  And Janine, you've got nothing on me, girl.  You want to complain all the time about not being able to crap in peace with only two young ones.  Hell, I had six of them clinging to my nipples at one time!   You want to talk about trying to take a crap in peace!  Girl, only having two of them young furry pests hanging around would have been a dream!

And ladies, I didn't even have a man around to help me!  No, he got his jollies off and then left!  No good bastard!   Left me before I'd even had a chance to enjoy it!   At least, I think he was the one.  When we cats go into heat, who keeps track!   It's what we like to call a real "block party!"  You all should try it some time!

But, there I was.  Before you knew it, I was bloated up like a dead armadillo in the middle of the road.  I waddled around the neighborhood, trying to find someone to take pity on me and give me a place to live.  Damn humans, sometimes they're so superstitious about black cats anyway!  Racist pigs!

Well, I found this old woodshed behind a house and set up housekeeping.  I could grab a mouse every now and then, but water was a little hard to come by.  No, I didn't get to enjoy all the pickles and ice cream and bananas and peanut butter you guys stuffed yourself on during your pregnancy periods!   I was lucky to find a mouse that hadn't eaten half a box of D-Con!  Girls, you don't know what rough is!

One morning, out they came!  

Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop!   

Yep, half a dozen ... one after the other.  Just imagine giving birth to six at once!   And you think you were sore!  It was like someone had given me a 64 oz. Big Gulp douche with matso balls!  

I rested about two hours, and then I had to find something to eat.  I was famished!  I finally found a garbage can with some halfway decent spaghetti and meatballs in one of them white containers I see you humans carry food in.  

I knew I had to get back immediately to the shed.  I'd set up a bed on some old rags, but I knew the kittens would be scooting around.  And they had!  I had to pick two of them up and set them down with the rest, and then make sure I didn't lay on them as I tried to keep them warm.

The next day, this young girl opened the door of the shed and found me in a very precarious position.  They had all just started feeding time, so none of them was even thinking about letting go.  I couldn't do anything but lay there and hope that she didn't decide to hurt any of us.  

Surprisingly, she left, but came back a few minutes later with a big box.  I'd heard stories about cats being either bagged up or boxed up and tossed in the river, but I just couldn't leave my kids alone.  One by one, she gently picked them up and set them in the box.  Finally, she grabbed me and put me in there, too!  

Would you believe there was a real blanket in the bottom for us all to rest on?   

The next thing I know the lid's on and we're all being carried somewhere.  When she opened it up, I hopped out to find a fenced in patio awaiting all of us.   It wasn't God's country, and was kind of cold at times, but it was better than the woodshed in that she supplied me with water and food most of the time.   

Well, the weeks went on and on, and that patio began to seem like a prison.  Besides that, my six kids were growing so fast!   Always underfoot, always wanting to eat (Breast feeding sucks ... literally!), always wanting something.  God!  If I could’ve just had some peace and quiet.  

Then, one day, my prison keeper puts me in a box and takes me in her car to this real house of horrors.

Damn bitch had my tubes tied!   I had four feet walking pigeon toed!

So, the next day I get back to the house, and half my kids are gone!   Not only am I sore as hell from the operation, but my kids are missing.  Where the hell are my kids???    

Before I can figure it out, the doorbell rings and here comes a couple looking at the remaining three!  They took two of them!  Didn't matter what I said or thought, she just picked them right up and gave them to the couple!   

You might say I was somewhat pissed!

Rich, just tell her I've got a headache!
Just had to get me fixed, didn't you!!!???
The next day found another person coming and taking my remaining kitten.   Still sore, my kids all taken by Child Services and put into foster homes, and I'm stuck on this damn fenced in patio!   Boy, my life had sure gone to Hell in a hand basket!   

So, I'm a little depressed, you might say, and that's when Rich and his wife showed up.  Well, they both seemed nice enough, but I sure wasn't in the mood to be talked to or petted.  In fact, I was pretty damn fed up with life!

Next thing you know, I'm getting put into some sort of cage and taken to their house.  First damn thing I see is this good lookin' male cat named Faletame.   But, this guy's also been to the house of horrors and so he can't do anything even if I wanted him to!   Just what I wanted ... a life of abstinence.  

At least y’all get some when the kids go to bed!   

Anyway, that's my story.  I don’t imagine Rich will let me write here again.  This will probably be the only “Mommy Blog” you’ll see on his site.  Oh, he can be a real Mother _____ at times, but he’s no “mommy”, that’s for sure.  

It’s been real.  You all take care, and when you think you’ve had it bad, just think about me, living with a eunuch that thinks he’s a stud, and a couple of humans that are helping me to get fat!

By the way, how is that ice cream with pickles, anyway?

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2013. All Rights Reserved

Friday, January 25, 2013

Here we go again! Finish the Sentence Friday!

Kids always do just the right thing
at just the right moment!

"Well I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

Bob Dylan wrote those words over half a century ago.  Funny thing was, you didn't need to inhale certain garden variety herbs to understand what they meant.  Many of us did anyway!

This is "Finish the Sentence Friday" again.  Something tells me, this thing has caught on.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Friends of all nations.  I present to you, for your consideration, four hostesses of this marvelous event!  These are all devoted individuals that know no boundaries when it comes to asking others to divulge the idiocies of their past, and secretly huddle in serene fits of pleasure giggles when reading how much some people will, indeed, divulge.  Will you please put your hands together and after a warm round of applause, please squeeze that mouse to visit them one and all!"

Your hostesses are:

Stephanie's  Mommy for Real
Dawn's  Dawn's Disaster

Okay, so I'm old school.  They claim to be hosts, but the correct word I was raised with was hostess.  I'm pretty sure none have had operations to become hostesses, so calling them hosts would insinuate that they were once of another gender, or wish to be.  Okay, now I'm confused!

And Janine's singing, "Like Always!"

So, what does all of this have to do with Bob Dylan's song?  No, I didn't forget about that.  I just decided to tell you what was going on before really getting into the story line.  Patience! Patience!

Anyway, this week's sentence, or part of a sentence (Since it has no ending, it's really not a complete sentence, yet.  That's why it's called "Finish the Sentence Friday.")  is:

"When I was younger, I tried ..... "

So, without further ado, I believe it's now time to finish the sentence with a story of some type.  "Isn't that right, Janine?"

I can hear her hissing now, "Scooch!"   

When I was younger, I tried out a very corrupt philosophy.  I was nine years old, an avid reader, and had an imagination that combined logic with insanity to create theories not yet proven wrong to one so young.  

Some call it stupidity, or, 
a reason to keep your eyes on what your kids are doing at all times!

We had lived in the country with my grandparents farm as my backyard.  There were very few kids within a mile to play with, so I spent much of my time alone, reading, and imagining possibilities.  I knew about gravity (having fallen out of trees a time or two), so I knew the basics of what goes up must come down.

However, I also had much time to reason things out.  I knew that leg bones were straight, like boards were.  If you dropped a board from the hayloft on its end, it would simply bounce.  If it landed on it's side, it could break.  So, logic told me that anything straight could withstand much more impact if it landed correctly.

Somehow, I started believing that even if one dropped out of an airplane, they'd only be injured if they didn't land standing up!  I know, somewhat flawed.  But, to a nine year old, it made sense!

I see another theory about
to be proven!
I soon learned that we were going to have next door neighbors!  A gentleman that had worked with my grandfather had purchased a couple of acres of land right next to us and was building a house.  For weeks, I watched this future home rise high.  It wasn't going to be a single level home, but a split level, with the second floor facing our house.

Finally, one day, after the carpenters had left, I wandered over to the house.  I climbed up to the second floor and peered out at my house, amazed to be so high.  That was when I noticed the ladder going up to the uncompleted roof.  

Yep, I did it!  I climbed right up that ladder and stood atop the second floor.  The ground seemed so far away.  Yet, I knew it was the right time to test out my theory!

Kate's going, "OMG, Rich you were a dumbass even as a kid!"

Leaning out over the edge, precariously balancing back and forth, I was trying to gain the courage I needed to make that final leap.  I knew the house was built on a downward slope, so the ground was even further away than the foundation of the house.  Still, I needed to see if my thoughts made sense!

I leaned forward and jumped!

For a moment, I was soaring downward.  It's amazing how quickly Mother Earth will end that!

I landed feet first, but my forward motion immediately sent me rolling down the slope.  Over and over I tumbled, finally stopping at least twenty feet from the original landing zone.  

That's when the pain was first noticed.

My ankles were on fire, my knees were exploding, and my back was still trying to pop itself back into its normal position.  I wanted to cry out (and just cry, too), but I knew my mom would hear me and probably beat the hell out of my tail for pulling such a stunt.

Slowly, I got up, found no broken bones, and shook off the pain.

Regardless of popular opinion, this is NOT
proper landing position!
I had proven my theory!  I wasn't as stupid as the adults thought I was!  You could survive a fall from great heights if you landed on your feet!  

When we're young, we love to prove that we know more than adults, so we go to extremes to do so.  We take the chances that adults won't take because of their "educated" fears.  Oh, adults will come into the room and face closet monsters, but it's the kids who are the ones that attempt to prove you can do anything if you put your mind to it!  So, in a way, they're mentally older than those that allow fear to control them!  

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now!"

Now, where's that airplane?

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Versatile Blogger Award

So, it was going to be an evening preparing for my new position I start tomorrow.

Why did I know better?

There is a new award going around called the Versatile Blogger Award.  I wish I could go into detail about what it is for (besides the obvious), but I honestly don't know.  

I could make up something:

"In the blogging world, there are only a select few whose efforts make them vastly superior to all the rest.  Regardless of all the trials and tribulations they endure, their tenacity and intestinal fortitude bring forth the real power of the written language and communicate these skills far beyond those of mortal man!"

But, I'd be lying!  (As well as never qualifying for such an award.)

Terrye, at The Misadventures of a Misplaced Alaskan first nominated me.  Now, if you've never visited Terrye's blog, you're truly missing out on some fun.  Terrye's sense of humor and sarcasm is one of the reasons her and I get along so well.  In addition, her ability to take normal situations and expand upon them into what most think, but will not say, is second to none.

Then, Stacy, at Ramblings of an Undiagnosed Madwoman nominated me for the same award!  (Okay, so now I'm blushing.)  I know my macho image may be in question, but I have to say I love reading Stacy's blog.  Stacy's outlook on life comes from that of a mother, wife, as well as a professional writer.  There's always something going on that reminds me that my family may not have been as dysfunctional as once thought!

And tonight, while I'm writing this blog, I get notice that Cyndi, at Pictimilitude has also nominated me!  Cyndi is a photographer extraordinaire that knows no boundaries in her talents!  To say she's a professional is an understatement to her abilities.  Very few ever come along that exhibit the talent to go far in the competitive world of photography.  This young lady leads the pack!

Now comes the tough part as this award comes with iron clad rules, not unlike a chain letter, that will forever hex you if they're not followed.  The curse of VB (No, not VD, that's an entirely different subject) will follow you to the pits of Hell and eternal damnation as any effort at escape it futile!!!!

So, I exaggerate.  You got the point, didn't you?

Here are the rules.  You must:

1)  Thank the blogger who bestowed this award.  (Thanks again to Terrye, Stacy and Cyndi!)
2)  Add the Versatile Blogger Award to you post and site.  (You guys really know how to test my website maintenance talents, don't you?)
3.   Nominate 7 others that are worthy of the award.  (Hold your breath!  It's coming, it's coming!)
4.  Let them know you nominated them.  (I'll do so at the Bloppy Bloggers FB page when done.)
5.  Tell 7 interesting facts about yourself.   (Deja Vu!  It's Finish the Sentence Friday all over again!)

Now, I must nominate 7 more individuals.  To pick only 7 of my favorites is extremely limiting, as I don't ever visit blogs I don't enjoy.  So, even though I'm sure some of these individuals have already been nominated, here goes:

1.  Janine at  Confessions Of A Mommyholic
2.  Melanie at Scribbles and Smiles
3.  Emily at  Oh Boy Mom
4.  Kate at  Can I Get Another Bottle Of Whine
5.  Rachel at  Rambling Amazon
6.  Erin at  The Irish Mama
7.  Amy at  Adorable Chaos

Now the tough part.  I have to come up with 7 things to tell about myself that will prove to be interesting.  Let's see:

1)  In 1973, I drank a canteen of Coke that unknowingly, contained 4 hits of 4-Way Window Pane Acid, or, the equivalent of 16 hits of acid.  It was the best concert I've never remembered!  (Where's the flashbacks?  I've waited decades!)

2)  I ran for (and got elected) as Student Body President (SBP) my senior year in high school simply because I wanted to get up in front of the student assembly during various programs, play the Master of Ceremonies part, and cut jokes.

3)  I have the shortest graduation speech on record, as that same SBP.  
"Friends, teachers, parents, and fellow students.  I believe that graduation should be one of the special times in a person's life.  Thus, the speeches should be kept short.  I, on behalf of the entire graduating class, would just like to say, "Thank You" for all you've helped us accomplish.  "Thank You!"    
The superintendent of schools (who had read a five page speech the year prior) followed me onstage.  He listened to the cheers and applause I received, looked at his pages of prepared speech, set them on the podium and said, "I'm going to agree with Mr. Rumple.  I, too, believe it should be a happy time.  Let's forget the speeches and get right to handing out the diplomas!"  It was my first instance of really being a hero!  lol

4)  I may live in Lexington, Kentucky, but I hate UK basketball.  I'm an Indiana University fan through and through, and even have all the games of the last five years recorded on DVD's.

5)  I'm neither a Republican or a Democrat.  In fact, I voted for the Green Party Candidate in the last election because I hated both of the primary candidates and the lies they constantly told.  At least the Green Party candidate believed in the principles she stood for.

6)  I have eaten dog, cat, goat, horse, monkey, and many other things that most wouldn't consider consuming.  These are not commonplace dinnertime items, but only things that I found in restaurants during the time that I was somewhat of a world traveler.  The one thing I absolutely will not eat ... liver!  The one thing that expanded my stomach to painful swelling for three days ... barbequed crawfish.

7)  My mother's death at my age 13, followed by my best friend's fatal accident two months later that I witnessed, provided me with an attitude that life isn't forever, so get the most out of it you can.  In my life I have been shot at, my neck and back of head mauled by an ocelot, bitten by venomous reptiles, and pulled up the side of a cliff after stepping out too far and sliding down the slope on loose gravel.  I've sky dived, skin dived, snow and water skied, raced a dirt track car (once) and took a high performance driving class two years ago.  I've had my forehead rammed into a tree branch by a runaway Arabian stallion, my knee held onto by a Pit Bull's jaws, slapped in the face by an alligator's tail, and had a clothesline snag my neck and flip me backwards as I was running from police (after throwing corn at an unmarked car when I was a kid, lol).  And, I'm still not done, yet!   Can you say "Adrenaline Junkie?"

So, that is it!  My task is complete!  I tried to make it interesting.  Hope you're still awake!

I will be somewhat scarce around these parts for a while.  (If you didn't read why in my earlier post today, here's the link:  The Vacation Is Nearly Over).  I think many of you may have missed it.

Until next time, "Keep Smiling!"

The Vacation Is Nearly Over!

The dream is over!

Some may call it an emotional roller coaster.  A few might call it justification.  Others may wrongly call it laziness.

Whatever one calls it, the end has occurred.

Eleven and a half months of existing at home, writing hubs and blogs, commenting on many others, and living the life of a writer will cease tomorrow.  That is when I re-enter the everyday drudgery of going back to work at a normal job.

No, I'm not going to state what I'm going to be doing.  Let me say instead that for months I've tried extremely hard to find something more normal that was closer to home with the standard 40 hour work week schedule.  If I'd have accepted the standard $10 per hour rate most of them pay, I could have been back at work months ago.

Yet, I stood my ground and held out for something worthwhile, income wise that is.  So now, it's back to 60 hour work weeks and headaches!

Can you say, "Beat Me!  Beat Me!"

I look back, not with regret, but with understanding having learned much.  Here is a list of some of the things this education has brought:

1) needs to be ashamed of itself!  Although the egos that rule haven't figured it out yet, by coming up with a system that hides work that they presented Hubnugget (Rising Star's) Awards to prior, they are saying they didn't, and still don't have the ability to recognize quality work from trash.  


Can you say, "Gee George!  Duh, we really are stupid and don't know what we're doing!   Do we?"

2)  Writing needs to be fun!   I am not, don't want to be, nor will I ever become a technical writer.  True, I've written several training manuals in the past that are still being used today.  However, to take an item from an employer and try to make it seem interesting is not my cup of tea.  I commend all that can do it, but I'm not willing to go that route.  

Blogging has been fun, and will continue to be, although my time will be less available.  I fear that by being limited by this time factor, I may lose some views, as I will not be able to visit many on a constant basis.  In fact, I'm sure that will happen as blogging seems to be a "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" type of affair to a point.

The only answer I can provide is that I will continue to attempt in writing quality, over quantity, in hopes that the content will be a draw for some.  

"Okay Rich, you know better!  Better start including your own views in your count totals to keep from getting depressed!  As Pink Floyd once wrote in their lyrics, 
"Is there anybody out there!"

3)  Sweat pants and tops are the most comfortable work uniform!   This should go without saying.  No restrictions, pure softness touching the skin, and great flexibility!   

(Kind of sounds like a Trojans commercial, doesn't it!)

Why the world continues to relish in torturing its population by requiring them to wear neck ties, belts, and hard, leather shoes is beyond all sanity.  I can envision a world where designer sweats are available for those evenings out on the town.  Chiffon and lace sweats for the ladies that wish to be a little more dressed up than when around the house.  See through sweats for those who wish to tempt.  No shrink sweats for those who wish to hide unwanted pounds.  And Rock Star sweats with super tight crotches for those who wish to dream!

I love wearing sweats!  
(And "NO", damn it, I've never worn them to Wal-Mart!)

4)  Man can survive on Dollar Tree Salami and Cheese!    Seriously, if you're looking for a cheap lunch, go to your local Dollar Tree and pick up a package of their salami and one of their Swiss or Jalapeno cheese.  Take two slices of wheat bread, two slices of salami, and one slice of cheese and make a fantastic variation of a grilled cheese sandwich!  In fact, if you want to make it even better, take the two slices of salami and cook them first, to get some of the fat out of them.  

Follow it up with some Dollar Tree Raspberry Sherbet, and you've got a meal fit for anyone living on unemployment checks!  Yum! Yum! Happy! Happy!

5)  True Friends are forever!   In my life, I've been acquainted with many people.  Yet, I've kept my circle of close friends very tiny.  This was done because I have been prone to moving often in my life, and because I've been stabbed in the back by those I trusted more often than not (especially workplace friends).  

I've met many great people both on Hubpages and in blogging.  Many have great talents they have yet to imagine.  Some have already gotten ticked off at me for one thing or another along this writing journey.  Yet, they found I did none of the expected "vengeance" actions, and welcomed them back into my friendship circle as if they'd never left.

I know, I'm a glutton for punishment!  Or, if you wish, a real sucker!  
But, isn't that what friends are for?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

More has been told about me by my writings than I normally let out of the cage.  Some look at it as just an idiot speaking out of his ass.  Others see it as an attempt to bring a smile and lighten the heavy load life presents to all at times.  And, some see it as an extension of my hand in a loyal friendship.

However you see it, remember that my goal has always been to amuse, either through extreme sarcasm of experience or irony of events.  A few times, the heaviness of life almost seemed to put the humor in the backseat, for which I apologize.  

But, then again, we all do it, go through it, and tend to write it, from time to time.  We're all human, and in being that, allow our frustrations to enter our efforts.  It is never intentional, and sometimes we need a good kick in the ass to get us out of our funk, after which, we recognize our embarrassments.  

You have two choices: publish or delete.  Put it out for all to read and judge, or delete it and try again.  Sometimes, the wrong choice is made.  Sometimes, the right choice is made.

Just like in real life!   

See You Soon!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Deja Vu: It's "Finish the Sentence Friday" again! Happy, Happy!

My pride and joy captured.  Five feet in length
and an attitude that wouldn't quit!

I'm bouncing for joy!

It's my favorite time of the week.  Finish the Sentence Friday has returned for an encore!

(Kind of like the slasher movies of the 80's.)

This week, the SM's   (Sentence Masters) Janine of Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic and Kate of Can I Get Another Glass of Whine have set us up with another winner sentence to finish!


This week, it's: 

  "“The last time I went on vacation, I…”

So now, the task must be undertaken.  Pure excitement at every turn follows.  Fail not to see the drama, the intensity, the humor, the ...... , well, since you can't hear my voice the hype doesn't matter.  Anyway, here goes the answer.

"The last time I went on vacation, I captured four Western Diamondback rattlesnakes and four Green Mojave rattlesnakes, and nearly fell asleep at the wheel driving them back."

Do you want more?  If so continue.  If not, simply go down to the comments area and cut and paste the words, "Gee, I can't believe you did that.  Whatta trip!  You're the bravest person I know!"  and be done with it.  However, if you want more, and believe yourself to be a true glutton of punishment, here it is.
Spider Rock in the Canyon de Chelly
(looking down from canyon rim)

In 2001 (I know it was a long time ago, but I don't get vacations often, damn it!), I was going to be part of a group from a local reptile zoo to go to Arizona and hunt the Green Mojave Rattlesnake.  No, we weren't going to kill them!  We were going to bring them back for venom extractions.  

Okay, short answer to your question ... the Green Mojave is mostly a neurotoxic venom rattler, more so than any other rattlesnake in the U.S., as most of them are hemotoxic.  Since the venom was needed for research against Alzheimer's disease, and since that was a primary purpose of the reptile zoo, it only made sense we go find some.

Long story short ... director of zoo gets bitten by cobra prior to trip and all drop out except me.  

So, I jump in my RAV4 (at the time) and head to Arizona by myself.  I'd met a guy on the web from a herp society in the state, and was to meet him in Sierra Vista.  

I made it as far as Shamrock, Texas by the end of the first day, was warned against eating Texas burritos at a Truck Stop, did so anyway, and slept on a full stomach.   I arose early the next morning, showered, and hit the road.

An hour later, the burrito warnings held true.  Let me just say that there are not enough stalls in the very few rest stops along I-40 in Texas.  Sitting tall in the saddle now has new meaning.

I hit Arizona by early afternoon, and headed North to see some of the sights.  I stopped at the Hopi Indian Reservation and bought my wife some jade and silver jewelry, hit a couple of roadside tents and bought some Indian blankets, and then arrived at the Canyon de Chelly, where I marveled at the canyon and Spider Rock formations.  
Monument Valley from a distance.

Wore out, I drove 80 miles to a hotel, found it full, and had to drive another 50 miles to find another.  It was a lousy concrete building type with tile floors, but it worked for the evening.

Next day I got up, and visited Monument Valley.  This is where all the great rock formations you see in Westerns and on multiple commercials are found.  I drove my RAV4 around the 18 mile dirt road through the park, stopping every five minutes to take pictures, and finally left a couple of hours later ... only to find my RAV4 wasn't running right.  

Because of this, and the lateness of the afternoon, I bypassed the Grand Canyon.  Stupid, stupid, stupid! But, you have to understand, by this time I was about "rocked" out.  Last thing I wanted to see at that time were more rocks.  Yep, I still regret missing it.

Anyway, I hit Flagstaff, found an open auto parts store, and bought and installed a clean air filter not filled with dust and dirt from Monument Valley.  

To give you and idea as to how big this place is,
this is a boulder at the bottom of one next to my car.
I hit Phoenix about nine p.m., got lost getting off the Interstate, and ended up in an area of hopping cars, red and blue head scarves, and no English speaking residents.  I finally found my way back on the interstate and ended up in Tuscon, getting a hotel room, and sitting in the back of the hotel with two Hispanics who were kind enough to share a beer with me and seem interested in why the hell I was wanting to capture rattlesnakes.

I get to Sierra Vista the next day, get settled in a hotel room, and call my acquaintance.  After meeting him, I asked him to take me to an authentic restaurant for a great meal and I'd pay for it.  Wasn't a bad pizza, I must say, but wasn't really what I'd had in mind.

Driving around Bisbee, we spied two large rattlers on the side of the road.  I found one of them dead, but the other quite alive.  Adrenaline was flowing as I desperately tried to keep it out of the scrub brush on the outside of the road.  Suddenly, brakes were squealing behind me!

"What are you doing!"

My friend was about 100 yards up the road listening to music in my air conditioned RAV4 with his back to me.  That made it fairly difficult for him to answer for me.

"I said what are you doing!"

Again, a curiosity seeker that didn't know I was fighting with death about three feet away.  I'm desperately struggling to use my hook and grab stick to untangle the snake as it's tail finds some brush and starts to wrap around it.

"Turn around immediately and answer me or I'll shoot!"

Myself and Patrick moving some of the smaller
specimens to different travel containers.
Damn, the snake was now really getting in the brush deep.  I couldn't even see it's head, which is not a good thing, to say the least.  So, I take two steps backwards, raise my tools high so they can be seen easily, turn slowly and say, "I'm hunting illegal aliens.  What the hell do you think I'm doing with a snake hook, anyway?"

It turned out to be Border Patrol agents.  After checking my license, they wished me good luck and told me not to worry about limits.  "Take all you want" were their final words before getting back into their van and taking off in a cloud of desert dust.

"Can you say, "Entrapment" boys and girls?"

We finally caught five of them that night.  When stopped at a Border Patrol security point, I offered to open the container to show the officers, but they decided against it.  

Now I know how to smuggle dope if I ever decide to!

The next day, I traveled to Tombstone, watched a couple of wild west shows (including the Gunfight at the OK Corral), bought a cowboy hat, got completely sunburned to a crisp, and had a great time.  That night, we found another three, which maxed out my limits.
Gunfight at the OK Corral in Tombstone.

To go into detail about the Mapquest 40 hour trip home would be boring.  Let me just say that hotels will not let you stay in them when you have rattlesnakes, and sleeping in a RAV4 during a heatwave is impossible.  I made it from Sierra Vista to just East of Nashville, Tennessee, before I started to lose my depth perception and found cars getting closer to my front bumper real fast.  

I pulled over, slept for 20 minutes, awoke in a pool of sweat, and drove the 4 remaining hours the rest of the way home.  I had driven the 40 hour straight trip in 42 hours, by myself, stopping only to eat, visit the rest stop, and to have a quick nap.  

Smaller specimens between 24" to 32" in length.
That night, I brought the snakes into the house, where my wife dreamed that one bit her on the toe and she died before getting to the hospital.

See, aren't you sorry you asked?   

Next week, remember, "cut and paste, cut and paste!"

Happy, Happy!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Reality Television: "This is Reality?"

“Reality Television”

Those two words can spark many emotions in most television viewers.

(Please, if you need to upchuck, feel free to take a break and do it now.  It only gets worse.)

Since "COPS" hit the scene in the early 80's, reality television has blossomed.  There's something about stupid people watching stupid people that appeals to stupid people.  And, for those that don't consider themselves stupid people for watching stupid people, these shows provide a feeling of superiority to stupid people, as they watch these shows religiously.

Stupid people!

I've decided to save you the trouble of rating some of the most popular reality television offerings and provide a small synopsis on several of the most popular, as well as some of the newest offerings.  Many of these shows are geared to guys, or simply called "Guy Shows."  

So, if you're a female reading this, you'll be able to talk to your boyfriend or husband and communicate in a language he'll understand.  (Generally, it's know as "Bubba-eze.")

Ice Road Truckers

This show has been on for several years, and has yet to have one of its participants die or fall through the icy rivers or ocean over which they drive their eighteen wheelers.  

Whatta bummer!

Men love this show and watch it in hopes of seeing someone go through the ice, much in the same way they watch auto racing for the wrecks.  This show is so popular that they've even taken versions of it to Asia and South America to travel other types of "Death Roads."  

Still, no one has been killed!  As long as cameramen ride in the cabs with the truckers they film, chances are slim to none that anyone will be.  So, why watch it?

Gator Boys

This show is just beginning its second season.  Two guys that catch alligators, first in Florida, and now in Mississippi, week after week after week.  Upon occasion, they throw in a capture of a venomous reptile or some type of carnivorous lizard, but mostly it's alligators.

Upon occasion, one of the two will get nipped, but as reality TV series go, still nothing major has happened to either of them.  If you like watching the same thing week after week, then this might be just the show for you.

BBQ Pitmasters

Again, this show has made it into a second season ... somehow.  

Three judges force three to four contestants to barbecue either beef, chicken, or pork selections.  You watch as they prepare, cook, and present their end products to the judges, who mercilessly grade the offerings on appearance, texture, and taste.  In the end, a winner is chosen.


Finding Bigfoot

Four individual travel the United States hunting Bigfoot.

Still haven't found him.  Don't expect them to.  If there were as many Bigfoots as they'd like you to believe, they'd have a representative in Obama's cabinet.

Although in thinking back, Dick Cheney did bear a hearty resemblance to many of the drawings!

U.S. Of Bacon

Fat guy (Todd Fisher) goes around the United States showing you all the bacon specialties that are available for anyone wanting to commit suicide by grease and cholesterol poisoning. 

Host looks as though he could die at any minute as he devours these tasty tidbits that tantalize the taste buds of the soon to be CCU patients.  

I do have to admit, after watching this show one night, my wife and I went through an entire pound of thick sliced Applewood Bacon in making BLT's the next afternoon.  We're still recovering!

Yum! Yum!  
(Yes, Help Alert ... I've got chest pains!)

Duck Dynasty

Redneck family in Louisiana has become millionaires with their duck call business.  

How many people that you know have bought a duck call?  Yep, another fantasy show!

Scripted show takes you through the life of these rednecks as they enjoy the everyday facets of life for those that don’t really have to worry about money, but act like they do.  Oldest son runs the business, middle and youngest sons work there making duck calls with their Vietnam War veteran uncle, as their mother and father deal with the grandkids.  

In the end of each show, they all sit down at the table and eat as the show's family lesson learned is discussed.

Happy, Happy!

Rattlesnake Republic

One of the few shows on television that depict conservation measures as unrealistic.  Groups of “rattlesnake hunters” go out weekly hunting rattlesnakes, that will be killed, skinned, and portrayed as serving no purpose in the ecological chain.  

Australia did this once and found themselves plagued with mice infestations until the snake population recovered.

Oh well, “Mouse Hunters” is on the future schedule anyway!

This is one of the few shows in which a cast member has been seriously injured.  Jackie Bibby (shown at right) was bitten in the leg on September 12, 2012, and unfortunately, had to have it amputated just below the knee as necrosis set in.  



And that is my offering of reality television programming.  I have omitted many, simply because most recognize they have absolutely no value, or because they are rip-offs of previous shows set somewhere else (hence Cops and North Woods Law).  

No, I don't spend my time watching these week after week, for the most part.  However, they do provide noise as I find myself writing hubs or blogs or whatever, and occasionally draw my attention.

It is your choice as to enjoy these programs as you rest any brainwaves that may be seeking exercise, or to ignore them and pick up a good book.

I wonder if “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” is out in paperback version yet?