Thursday, June 13, 2013

FTSF: God Takes A Dump, Stupid People & Cat Stew

the sarcastic ass 
is back!  

The hiatus is over, to an extent.  I'm still very limited with my vision and computer time, but there are some things a person just feels like they have to do!

So, I guess I'm supposed to give a complete rundown as to what has happened to me over the last two months.


We all go through trials and tribulations in life.  Some of them are the fault of stupid people, some because of medical conditions, and some because of fate, karma, circumstance, luck, or God simply deciding he has to dump on someone every now and then.

I've seriously never envisioned God taking a dump before.  Royal robe hiked up, his bare, pasty white cheeks (I really can't imagine tanning beds being available in Heaven) sitting upon an ice cold toilet seat, and face all twisted as he contemplates his wisdom in designing bodies to release waste.  And, since God is all powerful, can you imagine the odor his defecation would produce?  Holy Toledo stench!  Just imagine God trying to cover up the smell in Heaven by saying, "Who died in here?"  (Can't you see every angel raising their hands saying, "Me!")   

And again, with God being all powerful, imagine the defecation exit speed!  Perhaps, not too long ago, he'd eaten his fill of Reuben pizza, some of his son's meatloaf, Brussels sprouts, and inhaled some Bush's Baked Beans as a snack.  That release had to be a super sh**!  (I wonder if that one's thrust velocity started the tsunami that hit Japan a few years ago?)

All this gives you a new insight as to God sitting on his Golden Throne in Heaven ... doesn’t it?  (The next time you're in church, and the preacher mentions it, try not to remember that picture.)  In fact, in my distorted brain, I can see the line of angels waiting to get into the outhouse in the clouds, cursing quietly about how long it was taking as he struggled with constipation.

“God damn it, how the hell long is God going to take?”

“Did God take any of those PlayAngel Magazines in there with him?"

“He just got back from where!?!?  OMG!  Remember the last time God went to White Castle? Those porcelain poppers  shot right through the clouds and resembled tiny meteors burning as they entered the Earth’s atmosphere!  
Somebody warn NASA!”

“If God doesn’t hurry up, I’m gonna have to shove this halo up my ass 
to keep my robe clean!”

“If God’s been drinking wine, those folks downstairs may get another 40 days and 40 nights of golden rain!”

“Just don’t be the next one to go in after God finally gets done.  
The smell will make you wish you were in Purgatory!”

"Remember how mad he got last time when he finished and found an empty roll of toilet tissue?  Two hurricanes, three tornadoes, and one Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem ruined the day for everyone the world over!"

And so on, and so on, and so on.

(What a topic with which to make my return!   Missed me ... didn’t you?)

So, why did I choose to come back to FTSF at this time?   Remember the cliché expression, “Because it was there?”   It kind of fits.  

I was planning to attempt to come back for a “Rambling Tuesday” entry, but I got rambunctious, went against doctor's orders, and decided to go ahead and let the creative juices flow ... kind of like God taking a dump.  (Why does a baby’s diaper filled with the results of Gerber Spinach Baby Food anal deposits come to mind all of a sudden?)

I do hope you’re not eating right now.  
I especially hope you're not eating corn.  Why?  Because corn brings up many questions that need discussing.

How come corn is the only food known to man that never changes shape as it hopscotches through the human body?  Although I’ve never eaten a corn cob, I’m curious as to if it would change shape, or follow suit with the kernels?  After exiting, would the cob look like carnival food on a stick?  And, isn't popcorn really corn, too?  Then, why doesn't popcorn stay looking like popcorn?  (Although I have heard that some people swear they’ve seen Orville Redenbacher's face staring up at them from the bottom of the stool!).

Enough on God taking dumps and corn.  I’ve been away so long, I’m going to use my old JPEG showing the hostesses and the rules to FTSF.  I hope things haven't changed in this respect.
(Wasn’t that a work of art?)

Anyway, today’s sentence prompt is “The Hardest Part About My Day Is...” (which with three periods in a row inside of quotation marks, makes ending the sentence a difficult punctuation task unless you write a stupid sentence inside of the parenthesis like this one).

"So, here goes ..." (I can do it too!).

The Hardest Part About My Day Is the first 24 hours!  
After that’s over, it’s a breeze!

Getting out of bed has always been difficult.  I hate to go to bed at night, and hate to get out of bed in the morning.  I look at sleeping as a waste of time, but sleeping tries to change my viewpoint every morning.  I think I must be bi-polar in that my waking self loves being awake, but my sleeping self loves sleeping.  The two self’s are contradictions of each other, which makes for an internal conflict, similar to constipation.  Luckily, internal gases are not a result of this conflict, or I truly would hate myself! (Anyone for finger pulling?)

Observing stupid people making the news is another difficult part of my day.  Since I’ve been gone, there have been many stupid things occur in the news.

1)  Two dumbasses set off bombs at the Boston Marathon in hopes of making an Anti-American political statement.  Kind of hard to make a statement when the cops shot one full of holes, and have the other one under lock and key after he thought hiding in a boat in a backyard would keep him safe and sound.  (Kind of like hiding under the covers will keep the monsters away when you’re young, isn’t it?  Guess the boat wasn't as bulletproof as the covers were!)
2)  The Aurora shooter pleaded insanity, as I predicted he would the day the shooting occurred.  Hope he meets Slingblade and his lawn mower blade when he gets to the asylum!  Maybe he’ll go well with the “French Fried Taters & Mustard” treats!  “Yep, mmm mmm!”  What a Joker!
3)  The North Koreans finally found out they can hit the ocean with their missiles!  They shot one, hit the ocean, and shot five more, hitting the ocean each time!  Damn, these guys are dead eye shots!  (How do you miss hitting something as big as the ocean!?!?)  
The South Koreans are egging them on, day after day, with chants of, "Betcha can't hit the ocean again!  Betcha, Betcha, Betcha, Betchaaaaaa!"   They do this hoping the North Koreans will waste all their missiles hitting the bottom of the sea!  It seems to be working.  So much for the intelligence of Kim Dumb Dumb!
4)  The I.R.S. targeted certain political groups for audits upon certain leadership directives.  In case you've never been through an audit, it's much like going to the proctologist in that ... “the deeper they search, the more they find, and the more it hurts!”  Personally, I think all politicians should be audited by I,R.S. inspectors (with ointment and rubber gloves) at least once a year.  Maybe then, the inspectors could pull the politician's heads out of the moist darkness in which they relentlessly reside!  
I wonder if God goes for his annual procto check-ups?  Can you imagine being the doctor about to shove your hand up God's butt?  Since God is supposed to know all, would you have to tell him, “This is gonna hurt!”
5)  Obama has had the NSA spying on Americans on the Internet.  It’s called visiting Facebook pages, folks!  Obama figured since most government employees spend most of their day social networking anyway, why not have them check out a few new Facebook pages!  They'll tell you everything you need to know!  
Give me ten minutes and I’ll tell you everything Terrye Toombs, Janine Huldie, and Julie DeNeen has been up to since the last time they were virgin brides ... or, at least one of them was ... supposedly!  (I’m not doubting you, Julie ... well, not really ... well ... okay, maybe just a little ... no, I believe you!  Just like you were going to send me a German Chocolate Cake, right?)
6)  Tornadoes hit Oklahoma!   Like that’s never happened before.  If you live in Tornado Alley, you’re gonna get hit by a tornado sooner or later.  It’s like living in New York and being surprised when you see a taxi or a hooker!   Didn't you see the movie "Twister"?
Duh ..... MOVE!

And those are just a few of the daily news items one has to simply shake their head at.  Unless, of course, you’re amused by Michael Douglas swearing he got throat cancer by having oral sex with his wife. (Kind of like after an evening of oral sex in the 80's when you'd wake up in the morning rubbing your beard, and then remember you didn't have a beard!  The Karate Kid ended those days with, 
"Wax On, Wax Off!)  
But seriously, if exercising one's tongue is discovered to be a cause of cancer, Kanye West and Ellen DeGeneres are in major trouble!

Lately, several things have also added to the hardest parts of my days.  (No, Viagra isn’t one of them, Terrye.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)  Having to limit my computer time to less than two hours a day while my eyes heal has been a nightmare (especially since I have to occasionally use one at work), dealing with yet another birthday was a pain in the butt (but better than the alternative), my 33rd anniversary with my wife could have been much better if I hadn’t of tried to be nice and put in the Blu-Ray “Ted” as a romantic video selection (Well, aren't Teddy Bears supposed to be creatures of love?), and having just discovered my cats' claws have shredded the back of our new love seat in record time makes me decide that cat stew may be in the future dining menu.

I wonder if cat stew would cause a major bowel movement?

Maybe I’ll ask God about it during my nightly prayers.  
If there’s a tsunami tomorrow, perhaps we’ll all know the answer.

(Faletame and Gabriela are now running around in a panic!)

Now, after reading this, aren’t you sorry I’m back?

****Just a quick note to all my friends and followers that emailed me and left comments and birthday wishes on my blogs during my medical hiatus.  You have my complete gratitude for doing so.  (This blog entry hit over 10,000 views by itself because of it!)  Sometimes, it's hard to understand that there are still great people in the world as we usually hear about the evil or stupid ones.  You don't know how much it meant to see that there are those that care, and will stick by you even when you're down.
Also, to the multitudes that had birthdays and special events that I missed during my absence, my apologies.  I hope your day was a joyous one and filled with all sorts of goodies.  However, if you're still looking for a present from me,the cat stew will soon be on its way!  :) 

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