Friday, December 26, 2014

A Message For Those Who Didn't Like Last Week's Post, A Cure For Cancer, & TTOT Returns!

See All TTOT Posts Here !!!!!!!!
Well, here we are again!

If you're one of those offended by last week's Nativity satire, I probably should say, "I'm Sorry."

Probably should, but won't. They probably won't be here to read this anyway, even though they might find it somewhat beneficial.

This week, the Pope addressed the ruling body of the Vatican.  In his speech, he basically chewed some ass ... that's needed chewing for quite some time.

His message was very simple.  To sum it up in a few words, he implied the tight asses needed to loosen up and relax, smile, and recognize that God appreciates a sense of humor.  Instead of using religion to feel high and mighty, use it to provide messages that the common man can relate to.  If a smile will get the message across better than attitude, then drop the attitudes!

I feel the same way.

Religion has, and is still being used as an excuse to kill people and start wars.  Mankind has perfected the art of making religion a social grace, instead of what it really is, a personal experience.  By making it conform to certain man imposed standards, he has created what Allan Sherman once called the "A.P.E.", or American Puritan Ethic.  

One facet of the A.P.E. infers you can't laugh in church or at religion.  To do so is to laugh at the leaders and rulers that control the people, and religion is a tool that many utilize to control the masses.  If you'll check your history books, and Bible, you'll find this true.

What if God had said, "Take these tablets down to the
people and give them the wisdom they provide.  Allow
them to choose to follow or go their own way and
seek out their destinies without my love and help.
And remember, only you can
prevent forest fires!"
Somewhere along the way, religion stopped being a personal experience.  Perhaps it started when Moses freaked out over the burning bush and went back to the defiant tribes to gain control once more by hitting them over the head with the stone tablets containing the  Ten Commandments.  It became a way to control personal choice instead.  Isn't that just like man's laws do daily?

Now, as anyone knows, laws can be twisted.  Lawyers do it daily, terrorists read the Koran selectively to validate their atrocities, and church leaders do it to reap donations, which is another way of saying, "The Dow Jones reflects our company's doing well!"  

Religion has become a business.  It's a profit and loss statement that means more building funds, higher salaries and health insurance for church personnel, and  if the church thrives enough, a weekly television show on a local channel to bring in more funds and feed the egos of the performers. Spreading the word of God has made many rich.  To deny that is to ignore the truth.

Holier than thou individuals like Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Jones, and many others have fallen from grace because
"Tammy or Jessica, Jessica or Tammy, Tammy
or Jessica.  Damn, being Jim Baker is such a 
tough job.  Oh, by the way, just like you do for
your child at summer camp, be sure to send money!"
of their greedy efforts to gather more and more .  Power to control allows them to believe they're above the "laws" and they stray various directions.  Greed and lust and such then bring them down and everyone is shocked.  

Why?  Didn't they believe these egoists and shower them with donations at one time so their business would be bigger than the one down the street? 

As P.T. Barnum is often misquoted as saying, "There's a sucker born every minute!"

Let's take the business out of religion.  Let's take man's strict fake facades out of religion.  Let's completely take man's influence out of religion.  

Then, what do you have?

You have the Bible, the Koran, or whatever other item of religious faith you believe in to study and follow.  Suddenly, you begin to read and decipher what it really says, instead of believing what others want you to believe it says.  

I think that's part of what the Pope is trying to get across to his Vatican leaders, and to the world.  Man is so egotistical that he believes he's always right.  If you don't believe that, just ask him!  That may be bringing a frown to the God he supposedly honors.

I once had two church deacons tell me how bad rock music was and how great country music was for church members.  When asked to show me in the Bible where it talked about music genres, they, of course, couldn't.  This is an example of man's rules, not Gods.

So, why am I not going to say "I'm Sorry" for last week's post?  Because, in all my readings of the Bible, in no place does it say not to take a person's mind off of their problems by providing them something to laugh at.  In other words, challenge their faith by presenting them with something so ridiculous they'll either smile and think about God and their internal beliefs, or they'll simply laugh and remove the negatives of the world from their current mental state.  Either way, it does them some good to loosen up and relax!
C'mon Oral, a 700 foot Jesus in the middle of
the desert?  That's one hell of a tall tale.  So, how much
money did you raise with that one?  And, Brother Swag

Man, couldn't you have found a better looking hooker?
Next, make religion a personal experience ... inside of your heart ... and find your faith, or lack of.  Make personal decisions as to which direction you want to travel and decide if your beliefs are strong enough to withstand the attacks of others.  

And, for God's sake, stop judging people.  How do you know that God wasn't sitting on his throne laughing his tail off over my story while you were cringing over it?  If you were truly a follower of his word, instead of the politically correct society in which we unfortunately reside, you'd know better than to judge others.  That's the Big Man's job, not yours.  Unless you're in the mood to attempt to take that control away from him.

And then, that may be where your troubles begin.  Ever hear the expression, "Get off your high horse and stop looking down on people, or one day, they may be looking down from Heaven on you."

Remember this simple truth.  God wouldn't have given man the ability to laugh if he didn't intend on him using it.  Relax, stop being so hung up on being offended by every little thing, and learn how to tolerate.  Stop talking a good game and start practicing it!  You might just find it a whole lot easier to live with yourself and a whole lot more fun.  You can be sure others will.  

And that just might include the man upstairs!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
This has been Christmas week.  As this is the week in which hope is supposed to rule the world and good tidings run supreme, this week's news will be fictional.  Let us hope that some of these become actual headlines in the upcoming year.

This week, we would love to be thankful for:

1)  Common Sense Becomes Common.  In an amazing turn of events, it has been determined that common sense is once again becoming common!  As society becomes weary of being ruled by minority control and members of the Civil Liberties Union, political correctness becomes the thing of the past and cast aside.  Respect, tolerance, personal accountability and the ability to understand what to and what not to say to others is now the new practice.  Although there are a few that insist on the old ways, courts are now tossing out cases in which the majority believe tolerance the better alternative.

In other words, "Get Over It!"  If you don't like it, move somewhere else.  That's the way it is and will be, it's that simple.  Duh!!!!

Ilha da Queimada Grande, located about 90 miles off the
São Paulo coast, seems like another one of those beautiful
places—at first glance. Almost every Brazilian knows about
 the island, but most would never dream of going there.
It's infested with between 2,000 and 4,000 golden lancehead
 vipers, one of the deadliest snakes in the entire world.

Read More Of The Story Here!!!
2)  Terrorism Ends.  As common sense starts to become more common, humans are using their ability to reason  as they've always been meant to use it.  The act of committing an act of terror has been determined to be detrimental to all causes and is forbidden by all governments and revolutionary groups.  Anyone caught considering terrorism as an option to World Peace will be sent to "Snake Island" and given the opportunity to practice their beliefs among the thousands of lancehead vipers that reside there. 

3)  Sunspots Change Skin Color Of  World's Population.  As more and more sunspots become the norm, an interesting change to mankind is taking place.  Human beings of all colors are becoming a golden color.  This change is creating havoc for law and Homeland Security enforcement personnel.  What was once racial profiling has now become impossible.  Individuals are now incarcerated for the crimes they commit by proper enforcement procedures such as fingerprinting, DNA analysis, video examination and independent witnesses.  

In a related story, against the advice of his lawyer, Al Sharpton is suing Mad Magazine for replacing their famous Alfred E. Newman character's face with his own.  The famous "What, Me Worry" slogan Mad used for years has been used by Rev. Sharpton recently when asked about his future employment possibilities now that everyone is the same color and there are no protests to incite.

No more needless destruction.
Breathe In, Breathe Out ...
Breathe In, Breathe Out!
4)  Amazon and World Wild Lands Protected.  In order to protect the human race from committing complete suicide, all the governments of the world have enacted the "We Need To Breathe" act to keep the world's forests free of independent forestry projects.  No longer will the greed of mankind be allowed to cut down a single tree on property not currently owned by individual owners, or within twenty feet of any existing roadway.  This should force paper and construction companies to replant their owned properties faster and allow mankind the ability to breathe freshly produced air for centuries to come.  Grocery stores all over the world are retraining their employees to not say, "Paper or Plastic?"

5)  Independent Farmers Rewarded.  In order to end all current unorthodox practices involved with the production of animals, fruits and vegetables, big business practices of squeezing profits and the existence out of the independent farmers of the world will cease.  All "manufactured" farms and production facilities will be seized and sold to individuals that can prove their ability to run an organic facility without need of steroids or unnecessary chemicals and pesticides.  The size of each, independently owned facility will be controlled by the rules set down by the law to protect the citizens of the world from ever having to worry about monopolies providing cruel and unusual punishment to any livestock, and low caliber food items ever again.  

In a related story, FDA employees are now wondering what they will do with all their free time now that unnecessary preservatives and additives are no longer needed to make substandard foods edible by humans.

What do you mean I don't get a multi million
dollar separation bonus for doing a lousy job?
It was in my Enron contract!  By the way,
what's "Personal Accountability" mean?
6)  Salary Limitations.  A new law has been enacted in order to maintain an affordable society for all.  The salaries of sports figures, entertainers, professional occupations, and big business upper mgt. will now be limited.  Salaries will be determined by their affect upon the consumer pricing.  Should salaries prohibit the average income individual from purchasing, viewing, or being properly provided services, immediate changes to said salary amounts will be mandated.  This will provide proper profit distribution and proper pricing take place for all, and eliminate rewards for failure to produce positive results.

As a result, many of the "one and done" college sports stars are now returning to college and getting an education, instead of depending on catching a ball to provide them gold chains, expensive sports cars, and self help tapes on "How To Pass Drug Tests."

7)  World Legal Department.  With the excess of lawyers now present as extraneous lawsuits are now being cast aside, a World Legal Department (W.L.D.) will be set up to investigate and prosecute politicians found to be representing the desires of special interest groups and big business instead of those they're sworn to serve.  Politicians found guilty of charges may find themselves fined, incarcerated, and/or taken immediately out of political office.  In addition, all income proven during their term(s) in office will be returned to the treasury of the state from which it was collected, and used to decrease individual income taxes. (Federal Office Holders, should impeachment take place, will have their incomes given to the U.S. Treasury and distributed equally to all tax payers.  

The WLD will also be able to block any law which would provide for the legality of any special interest income.  In the words of a once wise man, "Earn your living legally or get your butt out of office!"

Let's see how the oil companies try to claim
all rights to the sun.  With the World Legal
Department created, politicians wouldn't
give them a chance!
8)  Solar Power Perfected.  New developments within the scientific community are reaping huge benefits for the world's population.  Renewable energy technologies have now provided the answer to energy storage, which has been a major problem in the advancement of solar power dependency, until now.  With the new production of the atmospheric recycler chip, solar energy can be drawn for constant power regardless of the location of the sun or sky conditions.  

In a related report, Arab oil production and domestic oil magnates are committing suicide in untold numbers.  In observance of these deaths, radio stations all over the world are playing the 80's hit by the band Berlin called "No More Tears."

If you thought this hurt, just
wait until the "Eye For An Eye"
law goes into affect!

9)  Eye For An Eye Law Mandated.  Those convicted of breaking the law via new, mandated techniques will now be subject to the "eye for an eye" law.  If one is convicted of theft, they will lose an arm.  Conviction of unlawful injury with a dangerous weapon will sustain the same injury by the same weapon they utilized in their crime.  Rapists will lose the part of their body that was used in their assault.  This law is to be enforced within one year of the offense conviction, without any exceptions, and without artificial limbs being supplied by insurance or tax payers.

In a related story, prison choral groups are now finding an overabundance of tenors and sopranos applying.

10)  Cures for Cancer and Diabetes Found.  Two gigantic medical advancements have jolted the lives of cancer victims and diabetes sufferers the world over.  Now, they will be able to free themselves of any additional suffering as treatments for these illnesses are immediately available for human consumption.  And, with the new salary limitations law, these treatments will easily be affordable for members of all income levels.  It is a great day for science, for the medical profession, and for human beings in every country!

Now, let's stop all the El Toro Defecation about second hand smoke!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

In a fake world, there are fake headlines.  In a real world, the headlines are sometimes too real, and sometimes too fake, whichever will best bring in sales and ratings. 

 Wouldn't it be grand to live in a world where the headlines were all like those above?  Wouldn't it be grand to live in a world where madness was replaced with sanity?
 Wouldn't it be grand to live in a world where all men loved each other?
 Wouldn't it be grand if everyone started today to make it that way?

The ball's in our court.  It's up to us.  
Which way will will it roll?
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


Friday, December 19, 2014

School Murders, Pool Noodles, And The Real Twisted Story Of Christmas ... Ten Things Of Thankful Is Back!

This is the first week of my promise to keep my openings much shorter. This is being done to assist those of you with short attention spans.

God, I bet you never have read 
a full book, have you?

I'm going to be quick and short today.  I'm going to tell you a mythical story.  One, in which, an entire group of people have based a morality and life pattern upon.

So, without further ado, here goes my version of

"The Real Story Of Christmas!"

"Before the days of erection drugs, there was a man and a woman.  The man worked hard at his carpenter job and brought home a sufficient income to support his wife.  But, the man had a problem.  He couldn't get it up!

What Do I Have To Do To Get
You To Harden Up, Anyway?
No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get an erection for his wife.  It wasn't that she was bad looking (In fact, all the construction workers in the village used to whistle at her as she walked by!), but she was very demanding and intimidating.  These factors did anything but turn him on. Having been forced into marriage with her, the man quickly decided that she wasn't his type, but since divorce and alimony were yet to be invented, he was stuck.

More and more frustrated the woman became.  She used to pray to the Gods that a man would arrive in her life and take her to her wildest sexual fantasy.  Plus, all of her friends had kids. She envied them as she watched the older children clean house and do dishes.  Since a maid was out of the question, it looked like she'd never get any relief from doing all the housework herself.

Well, God, having seen the luck that Zeus had experienced with Hercules, decided that he needed a little nookie.  He dropped down to Earth and searched around a village for a while.  Seeing that most of the women were happily married and already with child, he sat down on a log and contemplated his next move.  That was when he heard a female voice praying.

"Oh, God, I need a man.  A man to drive me crazy with passion.  One that will make me feel like the woman I know I am.  One that will use my head to dent the headboard of the bed I now only use for sleeping!  God, where is he?!?!?"

Well, let's just say that God got pretty horny listening to this old time version of phone sex.  He went over to the well, soaped up his manhood so he would be clean if she was in to oral sex, and went to smooth talk the owner of the voice that had got his mojo rising!

Whatdaya Mean I Gotta Refinish The Bed?
And, How The Hell Did Those Dents
Get In The Headboard?
I could go into detail, but let's just say when the woman looked at the man with the rising robe in front of her, it was the answer to her prayers.  (And, yes, the headboard was dented that day!)

A few months later, things began to get difficult in the household.  The woman was obviously pregnant as she was showing most visibly.  Her husband, knowing that he hadn't tapped it, was upset over her being unfaithful.  And, all her friends, that knew about her husband's failing to rise  problem, laughed their butts off when she told them that God had been the one, and had even washed himself before going at it!

"Immaculately Clean Conception" they teased, over and over.

Well, one Winter's evening, the woman had enough of the crap from her friends and the attitude of her husband.  Packing her things, she was going to leave.  She had no idea where to go, but she was going to go regardless.

Her husband, tired of all of his friends ragging him about someone tapping his wife, was also pissed off.  He'd had enough, too.  So, since he couldn't divorce her (Remember, I told you above divorce hadn't been invented, yet.) he decided to leave the village, also!

Take The Piano, She Says!!!
Carry It Yourself, I Say!!!
Deciding it would be safer to travel together, they loaded up the donkey and headed off down the road.  After a few hours, they realized they'd made a bad decision.  It was damn cold outside!  Both wondered, "Why hadn't they awaited a nice, Summer evening to move?"

Finally, they reached a hole in the wall "burg" (Or, "lem" if you will.) and decided to stop for the night.  The woman was dilating, and the man didn't want to have to clean off his donkey if her water burst, so they stopped at every hotel there.  However, some rock band had thrown a free concert and all the rooms were taken.

At the last stop, the man grew frustrated and said, "Look, I gotta pissed off wife that's about to give birth to a kid out there.  If you don't provide me somewhere to stay for the night I'm gonna sue your ass off tomorrow!  Do you want that type of publicity?"

 Well, since a part time clerk was on duty at the front desk, he got scared that the man would follow through with his threat.  Fearing for his job, he told them there was a stable out back that they could stay in just as long as they were gone before the owner came in the next morning.

So, muttering, "This is El Toro Defecation", the man took his wife to the stable, where she gave birth, and later partied with the members of the rock band.  Good news was that the band members turned the man on to the drug induced glories of poppies, and he never had a problem with erectile dysfunction again!"
The rest is history.

(*I know, I'm damned for all eternity for that one.)

This Week I'm Thankful For:

(*First, the violent.)

1)  Taliban Cowards.  The Taliban entered into a school in Peshawar, Pakistan this week and started shooting randomly at anything that moved.  This included children between the grades of 1-10.  When it was over,141 lie dead, including 132 children.  

The World's Most Valuable Asset, Our Children,
Being Murdered By Cowards Afraid To Face
Adult Enemies With Equal Weapons.
I'm thankful for these Taliban Cowards that feel the need to display their bravery by shooting children.  (I was going to add "unarmed" before children, but c'mon, how many first graders are going to be carrying Uzis to school?)  I'm thankful because they display the sickness of the mind that the Taliban tries to spread.  I'm thankful because they do this throughout the world, unafraid to attack innocent and unarmed victims wherever they may be found.  I'm thankful because they constantly remind me that there are cowards in this world that use religion as only an excuse, and demonstrate that they serve no religious purpose whatsoever.  And, I'm thankful because they consistently remind me that there is no question that being on their opposition's side is the right thing to do.  

Terrorism is the most demented and cowardly act. To include children as victims is despicable and unforgivable.  (My only wish for Taliban operatives practicing terror tactics is that when you die, may all your 40 virgins be 40 year old men waiting to lose their virginity by entering a dead terrorist's tail end!  Merry Christmas!)

2)  Protest Jackals.  Forty-five were arrested in Los Angeles last weekend for destruction of property and malicious mischief.  There is nothing wrong with protesting when you feel something isn't right and protesting will help.  However, to use protesting as an excuse to rob, destroy private property and ruin the lives of those that have worked hard to succeed honestly should be dealt with in the harshest of manners.  Police, victims, and peaceful protesters need look at these individuals as thieves and treat them as such.  

Perhaps the quickest way to rehabilitate this type of scum would be the "eye for an eye" concept.  Steal once, lose one hand.  Steal twice, lose the other.  It may not change the attitude, but it would limit their abilities to do it again tremendously.  ("Hey, Anthony, grab that TV over there.  Oh, that's right, you can't grab anything, can you?  Oops!")

The Face Of A Coward And Common Murderer.
A Typical Criminal Mentality Blaming
Everything and Everyone Else But Himself.

3)  Sidney Terrorist / Jackal.  A gunman entered a cafe in Sidney, Australia this week, and immediately took those there hostage.  He did it in retaliation for the Australian Army's participation in the war in Afghanistan.  Of course, here was a man that had also written letters to the families of soldiers killed in battle naming their sons as "Hitler's Soldiers", and had been accused with helping a woman kill his ex wife.  (Oh yeah, this was a man that had it all together!)

Before all was said and done, three innocents were killed.  Luckily, so was the gunman.  I won't honor him by listing his name.  He's not good enough for that. However, if he searches hard in the afterlife, he may find the 40 virgins I discussed above in #1.   ("Hey, booooyysss!   Fresh meat!")

(*Then, the ridiculous)

4)  The Movie "The Interview".  What a way to get the public all stirred up wanting to see a movie!  You gotta give it to Sony.  Distribute a movie for Christmas release about the assassination of a North Korean dictator, get the North Koreans to hack into your network, and then tell everyone that you can't release the movie because the North Koreans will do something terrible to every movie theater the film is being shown at!  Sorry, Mr. President, but Sony is smart.  It wasn't a mistake.  There hasn't been a build up to a movie like this in years!!!  
First, have you heard of the North Korean terrorist network in the United States?  

That's what I thought.  Me either!
What Hype This Is ... Betcha It's
Released Next Year An Kills
At The Box Office.  Any Takers?
I'm not saying there's not a spy or two or three in the U.S. working for North Korea, but to consider every theater in the U.S. being bombed or attacked, simply because of showing a movie, would require a major tactical assault.  Unless Korean restaurant delivery boys are all members of this secret terrorist organization, I don't think there's much to worry about.  Unless the Korean Barbecue Pork explodes, of course. (Somewhere besides my stomach, that is.)

However, when Sony does release this film, what do you bet everyone will rush to the theaters to see what all the furor was about?  Okay, almost everyone ... I'm really not interested in another Seth "Whatever my name is" movie, as most have been aimed at those who want to see grown men get drunk and puke on the big screen.  (What I want to see on the big screen is a film about two young North Koreans that go to training for the terror network in the United States that shuts down movie theaters for showing movies about drunks puking!)

5)  Fat Cops.  Don't blame donut shops for all the fat policemen.  Nope, the country's
most obese professions are police officer, firefighter, and then security guard.  Riding all shift in a patrol car can be stifling for the exercise our bodies need.  Plus, you gotta know that the stress levels are way over the top, so there's a lot of nervous nibbling ... and drinking going on.

So, remember, if you're told to halt by a police officer, do exactly that.  Chances are, since many are obese, they won't be able to run after you and will use their pistols to halt your progress.  Or, if by some wild chance they do catch you, tell me you really don't want two or three of them flopping down atop you while they put on the handcuffs.  (And people wonder why there's so much "deadly force" used these days.)  

6)  Stevie Wonder.  At age 64, Stevie Wonder just had his 9th child.  He and his girlfriend named the daughter Nia.  Mother and child are doing well.

Now, nothing against Stevie, but there comes a time in life when having children is not the wisest thing.  What's the best that he can look for, 15-20 years with the child before he passes on?  If he's lucky, he might still be around when she graduates from college.  But, how will he relate to her and what's going on in her life along the way?  Things are much different than they were back then, and it's tough enough for younger parents these days to relate.  Oh, she'll get her share of his estate when he dies, so that's something, I guess. (There are times one just has to stop proving he still has it.  Time to wear a condom, Stevie!  I just wonder if she was a Viagra baby?)

7)   Walmart Heart Attack Robbery.  In Lake Wales, Florida, two men entered a Walmart.  They loaded up a shopping cart with a motorized Barbie car, Barbie glam vacation house and a Leap Frog tablet and made for the exit.  Suddenly, one of the men grabbed his chest, fell to the floor, and started proclaiming he was having a heart attack.  With all the attention towards helping him, the store staff failed to notice his friend rolling the shopping cart out the front door.

They might have gotten away with it all, but the friend drove to the front door to pick up his friend.  I guess someone wondered how he knew his friend was having a heart attack if he'd been in the car waiting for him, so they went back and looked at security videos.  Yep, that's when the whole crime unfolded in front of their eyes.

Words to the wise.  Confucius says, "If you fake heart attack in Walmart, don't give real personal information to store staff and don't have friend pick you up in car via ESP invitation.  Oh, and make sure your friend puts the items stolen in the trunk instead of the back seat of car where everyone can see them.  Otherwise, your new cellmate may give you a Christmas present you'd rather not have!"    Sounds like an 80's Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor movie, doesn't it?  Duh!!!

8)  Divorce Pays.  Bruce and Kris Jenner have signed all divorce papers.  When it becomes final in March, Bruce "I'm an old Olympic winner and Cheerios box picture person" Jenner will receive over $2.5 million from Kris in March, when the whole thing becomes final.  

While Bruce will probably use his to have more bad plastic surgery done (*See Before / After Picture), there's been a new development in my household.  My wife has agreed to me replacing Bruce as Kris's next.  We could use the $2.5 million, plus, it would put me in a good position to tell Kanye West how lousy his rapping is.  Look for me in the future on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians!"   NOT!

9)  May I Have A Pool Noodle, Please?   In Kansas City, Missouri, a blind child was accused of raising his cane at other children.  Concerned that the child might injure another child, school officials replaced the cane with a pool noodle.  (See Picture if you're as dumb as I am and have no idea what a Pool Noodle is.)  

Of course, the child's parents could care less about the other kids, and are all upset over the matter.  As every parent wants to believe these day, the school officials are picking on their child who is innocent in every way, especially since he's blind.
Guess What She Does Next With The Noodle!!!
"El Toro Defecation!"  
When in the Hell will parents wise up?  A child with a disability is just as likely as any other child to "act up" and do something inappropriate.  Kids are kids!  In fact, any child that feels somewhat special, be it physical disability or other, might be just a little bit more prone to using that disability to get away with these type of things, especially if they get away with them at home.  

When I grew up, there were still youngsters that had contracted Polio.  One, in particular, was a wild kid that believed the wilder he behaved, the more he would be accepted.  I can't tell you the number of boys and girls that had their tail ends "goosed" by a crutch while waiting in lunch and recess lines by this kid.  (Made one never want to go to jail, for sure!)

Now, taking a blind kid's cane might seem excessive, but if he did the same things with it my memory brings back was done to us, it may save 20 sexual harassment lawsuits!   Besides, no one likes a "Christmas Goose." Or, do they?

(* ...and the real thing of the moment.)

10)  Christmas Spirit.  This coming week, Christmas will be taking place.  You don't have to be a Christian to appreciate the time of the year when people may just seem to be a little nicer to each other.  As I was walking in a store yesterday, a roll of wrapping paper I was lugging around under my arm (Yeah, I don't always get a cart when I need one.) knocked a box of crackers off of a corner display.  A man, of whom I have no knowledge of ever knowing, saw my hands full and immediately, without a second's hesitation, and without any request for pay, said, "Here, let me get that for you" and picked it up for me.  I thanked him and moved on.

I really don't give a damn about retail Christmas profits or movies being cancelled that were
scheduled for release on the most sacred day of the year.  In fact, I'm in total agreement with those that want stores closed on both Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Profits only lead to more greed and less true meaning of the day.

This year, remember that Christmas isn't how much you get or give, but the feeling you have in your heart for others.  Christmas is a time when we need to step back and remember what we have and be thankful, instead of wanting more and more.  And, again, whether you're a Christian or not, remember there wouldn't be a holiday if it wasn't for the belief that Christ needed a special day to remind everyone to be good to each other.  It may or may not be his or her birthday for those that debate the topic, but it is the day that was chosen to be special in remembrance of such.  

Respect the day and keep it special.  As much as a pain in the ass your mother-in-law may be, grit your teeth and show her how good of a person you are by bringing her child back to her home.  If someone needs help, give it without desire of personal gain.  Smile at neighbor kids, and leave the feelings of shooting them with a BB gun out of it.  

Say, "Merry Christmas" to those you meet.  If they don't like it, so what?  At least you've let them know that it is special and important to you.  Maybe someday, when they finally get over how special they think they are and start to see that life isn't eternal, will come around and say "Merry Christmas" to someone they know.  
.     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .

To all my Christian, Jewish, Muslim, atheist and friends of other denominations, 
I do wish you a Merry Christmas.  I do so because I don't want to exclude you from the feelings of warmth those two words bring to millions in our world.  I consider a friend a friend and neither race or religion will ever change that.  If, just for one day, everyone in the world could feel the kindness those two words really bring, 
and remember that feeling year after year, 
we might just replace all the hatred that is normally present.

And, wouldn't that be nice?

Merry Christmas, my friends!

Friday, December 12, 2014

Can I Write A Shorter Blog? Hell no I can't! Here's Ten Things Of Thankful ... again!

Lighting up a cigarette, I sit back and contemplate about the kind and generous readers of this blog.

See, someone really does value you as a human being!

Lately, views have been way up, but comments have dropped drastically.  I know I'm strange, but I'd rather have it the other way around!
 So, what's my conclusion?  

I'm either tackling topics that are way too controversial for the average reader and I'm pissing a lot of people off, people are afraid to comment amid controversy, or people have just got better things to do than comment.

Perhaps it's a combination of the things.

I've tried to make my posts interesting, but in doing so, have somewhat narrowed the comedy and sarcasm down to afterthoughts.  Possibly, I've been so concerned about getting a message across that I've lost my sense of sarcastic humor!

The message is the medium is the massage ... 
unless you're in a Sweet Cherry's massage parlor.
(Then, you have Trixie's magic fingers!)
Once she gets out of jail!

No, I'm still the ass I've always been, but I've gotten more real as of late.  Instead of looking at controversy and stupidity and making fun of it, I have been putting on the boxing gloves and attempting to battle it ... and validate my actions while doing so.  My posts have become active instead of passive.  

Put 'em up ... Put 'em up!
For one to comment on an active posting, they generally either agree or disagree strongly.  On a passive posting, they don't have to be worried that their words may be taken out of context and may alienate their friends.  Thus, a silent "Goodbye" is the safest and easiest route to travel.

In addition, my blogs have become novels of sorts, at least for blogs.  The average Internet reader has an interest span of about 5 minutes.  Unless you're a speed reader (as I am) there's no way you've been able to read what I've written in that time allotment.  So, interest flies away, as does your reading, just about the time you get to the good stuff.

I really wanted that good stuff pie, 
but I've already had a piece of cake with strawberries!

So, in addition to shortening my writing, I must step away from the madness of the battle and become an observer once again.  That is, if I hope to ever see people commenting again.  There is reality all around, and many of us grow tired of the same old things being re-hashed day after day.  We see the circles that take place, the ignorance that rules, and desire to turn our backs away as we get to the point of having more than we can swallow.

We can only eat so much at the all you can eat buffet!
(Anyone remember Bromo-Fizzies?  Eurrrp!)

So, in the future, I vow to shortening up the beginning dialogue, keeping it more humorous / sarcastic in nature, and allowing you to finish in hopefully 5 minutes or less.

Do me a favor and take a speed reading course, please!

After all that, it is now time for TEN THINGS OF THANKFUL!!!!!  As we are getting close to Christmas, I may do a TTOT of true gratitude, and break the style I've presented for quite sometime.  I may look at the little things life has to offer and express my inner feelings about them.  Or, I might just surprise everyone and show that being an ass isn't necessarily a 24/7 job.

No one comes to my blog for that stuff.  
Lets get down to the dirt!

This week I'm thankful for:
While you're there, be sure to take a lot of pictures of
the great scenic tour you can take.  You'll spend
hours andhours showing these to your friends
 over and over again!

1)  Queens, New York.  Queens has become the number one vacation destination in the United States.  Queens offers a restored beach, plenty of shopping stops, and all the Greek food you can eat, as well as other types when you tire of Greek.  

I have lived in New York, but never have traveled to Queens.  It just didn't seem to be on the agenda, especially when I discovered Christopher Walken, Nancy Reagan and Howard Stern were from there.  I personally see no way that any major city could be the number one tourist destination, as most of the city dwellers do their best to get out of the city for their vacations!  But, who am I to argue with the Queens Chamber of Commerce?  (Raise too much commotion and we'll all be arrested and sentenced to view endless re-runs of Christopher Walken in Peter Pan!)
Now, tell me you didn't see a bunch of these
fighting the Empire's walkers in the beginning of
Star War's Empire Strikes Back!

2)  Real Life Laser Cannons.  The U.S. Navy, fresh over its negative publicity last week when female officers were filmed taking showers aboard a submarine, decided to blow that report out of the water this week by demonstrating its first laser cannon aboard a U.S. combat vessel.  Concentrated energy bursts cost less than pennies to the dollar in comparison of regular shells and ammunition.  

My God, people!  Instead of Star Wars, we have SEA WARS!!! 
R2D2 is a giant sized can of Starkist Tuna!!!!   

I can see next week's headlines:


(Find a moral in that Mr. Peabody!)

I'll answer all questions as soon as I wake up and
tell you a story about a man name
Rip Van Winkle!
3)  Senator Carl Levin.  A revelation is heard in Washington!  Senator Levin, a Democrat from Michigan, let it be known this week that the nation may have been misled into attacking Iraq by the Bush Administration!  In this statement of delayed intelligence, the senator states that the head of the hijackers may not have met with an Iraqi Intelligence Officer in Europe, as this officer was in the United States at the time.  Of course, this was the incident that the Bush clan based their "let's go to war with Iraq" campaign.

Let's see, none of the hijackers were Iraqi,  Oops!   None had any allegiance with any Iraqi liaison.  Oops!  And, as we all know by now, the chemical weapons were all a hoax presented by the one "inside" man the Bush tribe based everything else on.  Still, it was essential we go to war there.

Nice to see you're finally catching up with everyone else, senator.  
You're only about 11 or 12 years behind!  
See what happens when you fall asleep during a session of Congress 
and no one wakes you up!  

4)  Ebola.  What ever happened to this disease/ virus/ world ending plague?  Wasn't everyone running scared and forecasting thousands of deaths in every country in the world a month or so ago?  Then, Ferguson protests/ riots gained all the attention and Ebola was forgotten about!  

(Damn, the next time the news agencies start broadcasting doom and gloom stories, maybe we should remember every news story has shelf life.  After the expiration date, it will no longer be of any importance!  By the way, isn't it funny how Ferguson has been omitted for newscasts this week?  Guess that one's expired, too!)

If military personnel went to prison because of
this, why aren't politicians and CIA personnel
going to jail for what they've done?
5)  CIA Torture.  Please, don't try to feed us tales that the United States isn't guilty of torture tactics when your own report state otherwise.  Bush knew it was happening, Obama got information about where to find Osama Bin Laden from these tactics, and Congress knew they were paying outside agencies to perform these torture techniques.  We, the American public, are no so dumb as to believe otherwise.  (Well, not all of us anyway.)

Still, Obama tells us that we're not like this.  "Hey, Mr. President, we are exactly like this, as we've proven time and time again."  The only reason we're not being brought to trial by an international tribune is that we've proclaimed terrorists not to be official soldiers of war, so the rules of war don't apply!  Leave it to the land of lawyers to find a loophole.

True, our folks and citizens of our allies are getting their heads chopped off, literally.  But, haven't we always proclaimed that we'd never resort to those tactics as we will not sink to their level?  (Please, boys and girls, don't believe what the government tells you.  They've gotten damn good at lying.  They've had lots and lots of practice, and make enough money they don't have to worry about Santa's list!  BTW, Santa is reported missing as during his last visit to Congress he asked several politicians if they were good or bad this year.  There are some things we can only assume.)

6)  Bobbie Barnett Hancock.  Bobbie will take the award for the greatest procrastinator this week.  (Ah, a woman after my own heart!)  After her mother died in 1994, Bobbie stored the body in a casket in a storage locker facility.  It was her wish to send the body back to be buried in Alabama, but never got around to it.  Of course, this was only discovered when Bobbie put off paying rent at the storage facility and the casket and body were found by it's new owners.  (Can you imagine their faces when they opened the casket and found her?  "Holy shit!  Honey, could this be King Tut's wife Queen Butt?")

How could anyone put this off for as long as Bobbie did?  Damn, someone needs to help her remember "The Hearse Song" and get her to bury her mother.

7)  U.S. Government Budget.  The politicians are at it again!  Cut funding for anything good for the people and allow anything good for big business and Washington politics.  In the $1.1T Bill to be considered are the following idiocies, and a whole lot more.
  1. Under the bill, campaign donors could contribute up to $1.6 million dollars each into political parties.  Currently, the limit is $194,400.  Whoever said politicians weren't in it for the money?  Of course, over a million dollar increase per donor would help the common man's power to get more and more things they needed ... not!   Whatever the donors want, the donors will get and the hell with the common man.  Not really much of a change, is it?
  2. Let's give $21 million dollars to fix the leaky dome of the capitol. Now, my roof didn't cost anywhere that close to fix, did yours?  Since we are allowing all the illegal immigrants a home in our country, why not hire a few of their roofing crews to fix the dome for a small fragment of that and put the rest into school lunch programs.  (Oops, sorry, that would make too much damn sense!  I forgot the roofing crews they hire get the same $324 hammers that the military purchases.)
  3. Did I mention school lunches?  Yeppers, I did.  This bill would ease whole grain requirements and suspend the lower sodium rules.  There's nothing like taking care of our youth in a crappy manner when money is to be made by the manufacturers that supply the lunches, is there?
  4. Allows some pension plans to cut back on the amounts retirees were promised.  Sounds like the government and big business, doesn't it?  Work your ass off for them for a lifetime and then get screwed by them in the end.  Makes one recognize the true meaning of their threat, "We own your ass so you will do what we say!"

Nothing like liars, cheats and thieves to control your future income, is there?  This is your government at work ... to make money and an American Dream for themselves and Big Business.  For you ... well, how well do you take people giving you the bird?
8)  Christmas Scam.  (I actually have gotten these emails a couple of times so be wary.  They are out there!)  If you receive an email inviting you to have your child receive a letter from Santa DON'T DO IT!!!   Turns out not only will you be charged $19.99 for the letter, your credit card info will then be used to tap out your limit!.  Millions of dollars have already been lost, so don't find yourself wondering why you did something so stupid.  

If you want your child to receive a letter from Santa, write a letter, take them to a mall where Santa's at, and when they get off his lap, give them the envelope and tell them that Santa's elves brought it to you while the kids were on his lap!  (However, if you're just dying to have your credit cards drained of all monetary resources, simply send you credit card information to the address of this blog, and I'll be happy to take it.  I've really been wanting the complete Batman Blu-ray television series of the 60's, so I'll be awaiting that info!)

9)  Flu Shots.  Forget 'em this year!  There's a new strain of flu virus that is not at all put off by any of the drugs in the flu shots you'd be getting.  Unless you wish to make the CVS Liquor Stores ... oops, pharmacies, and other drug stores rich, spend your money on orange juice and chicken soup.  They'll do you just as much good.  Or, just get drunk like the rest of us.  You'll never even know you're sick!
I Am Iron Man!!!
Anybody seen a big snake?

10)  Eaten Alive By An Anaconda ... Not!   About a month ago, I wrote a piece on how a man was preparing himself to be eaten alive by an anaconda. I stated that it couldn't be done as the constriction would be too great for him to survive, and how his shoulders would be too wide for the snake to stretch his mouth around.

Well, this was the week that television land presented us with the program.  As predicted, the snake could barely get its mouth around his head, and the constriction strength proved too great for the publicity seeker to withstand.  

For those of you that thought I didn't know (even though I've had 30 years of working with snakes experience) what I was talking about, I forgive you.  Besides, I've probably already given you enough crap about it, so I'll be kind.

(Don't worry, this condition is only temporary.  After Santa decides if I'm a good or bad boy, I'll get back to my sarcastic ass personality.  I'm just waiting to see if he'll really bring me a Lexus or Infinity for Christmas.  That is, if he makes an appearance at all after questioning members of Congress!)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *

Well, here we are again.  After stating I was going to attempt to write a shorter post, I have to admit I once again failed.  I appreciate your staying power.  Please comment below if you're not too worn out.

Many Thanks!


**One last note.  I know some of you that read these pieces on your phones can't see the videos I put in.  For some reason, that happens on Blogger, or so I've been told.  If I could do something about it I would.  All I can say is, "Sorry!"