Monday, July 29, 2013

School Time, School Time ... Happy! Happy!

To many of us, the end of July and the beginning 
of August means 
only  one thing.

The damn little monsters will be going back to school soon!!!!

Okay, here come the ogre comments! I can already 
see them.

"Oh, you bastard, 
don't you like kids?"

"What's wrong with you? Children are precious!"

"You're just a 
grumpy old fart!"

"What an assh*le!"

Blah, blah, blah ...
etc., etc., etc.

I'm only saying what most think, but won't admit to openly.

I love kids, but too much of any good thing is a waste of sanity!

There's a feeling of elation when I walk into a department store and see all the back to school items on sale.  I know that hard working class families will be able to save money and properly supply their children for the upcoming school year.  The happy, little smiling faces that are so thrilled to be getting new school supplies ...

To break, lose, and throw at other happy, little smiling faces on the school bus!

Many parents feel the same as I about being somewhat relieved when school starts up.  Here are some of my favorite reasons, and probably some of yours, as to why this relief is so blessed.

I scream to get what I want
when I want where I want!
And don't you try to stop me!!
1)  Very few, if any, screaming brats in the grocery store with their parents in the middle of the day.  The last thing I need when trying to figure out what my stomach is requesting is a brat filling the air with sound wave proclamations of, 

"I want, I want, I want, I want ... Gimme, Gimme, Gimme ... WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 

   (If this ever happened in a gun shop I'm sure the press would be out in droves sensationalizing the results of the event.)

2)  Watching the neighborhood bushes to see if one of the little suckers will dart out in front of you while driving will be less stressful during school hours.  They should all be tucked away nicely in the classrooms we pay our taxes to cage them in.  If there is an escapee, and they happen to run in front of the car, there will be fewer witnesses to the event, making court appearances short and effective.

Restaurants are cool.  Look at all the
neat stuff we can find to throw!!
3)  Restaurant dining will become less dangerous during noontime excursions.  Flying mashed potatoes from pre-teens, loud obnoxious profanity from spoiled teenagers, and extremely long lines filled with cars holding eight kids (each paying for their own order) at drive-up windows will magically disappear in a couple of weeks.  Once again, the stupidity of the order takers will be able to be blamed on them, instead of the stress the kids put them through.

4) Mid-day traffic problems will be a thing of the past!   How many stoplights will be made because you weren't held up at the last one by a group of teenagers texting each other in the car instead of talking to each other?  Not only that, but the thumping $2000 car with the $10,000 stereo system will be parked at the school, instead of next to you at the light.  Finally, you'll be able to listen to your music without turning it up to the max.  Headache medicine sales will drop because of this, too!

Give a gift to remember if you
want an afternoon to remember!
5)  Afternoon delight will go back to involving adults instead of nap times for kids.  Let loose with the squeals and groans all you want.  Hell, even bring out the cowboy hats and French Maid outfit!  The kids are gone!!!!  Enjoy it while you can and as much as you can!  Just remember, the little imps come home every day at about the same time.  30 minute orgasms with pigs (as Kristi would say) need to be timed out to coincide with school bus arrivals.  Otherwise, you'll be explaining what the pig is doing in your bed!

6)  Go back to chatting on the web and living dangerously in web hot tubs with unknown companions.  Live your fantasies to the fullest and still be safe.  Just make sure you wipe the perspiration from your forehead and upper lip before the kids get home and do a search on your site history!

Look at those buns!!!!
7)  Go to the mall and look at all the cute asses walking by.  I don't care if you're male or female, there are plenty of asses to browse at the mall.  Grab yourself a table at the edge of the food court, enjoy your coffee, and gurgle as those buns jiggle by.  Just be careful and not sit close to the senior citizen circuit.  Those buns don't jiggle ... they drag the ground!  You might as well go find a pig.

8)  Get off your ass and exercise or dance!  No kids will be home to make fun of you.  Rise up and get moving!  Re-visit the 70's, the 80's, the 90's and dance to your heart's desire.  Again, be careful of the time or you may have a whole school bus load of wide eyed loud mouths telling the neighborhood you were practicing your stripper moves!

I'm watching what you leave in the
DVD player regardless 

of what you say!

9)  Put in a movie that you want to watch!  Instead of viewing the Littlest Mermaid for the 571st time, put in something you want to see.  Sit back and enjoy an afternoon tearjerker, love story, or hot porno if you choose.  Do remember that when the kids come home the DVD or BlueRay needs to be put away, not left in the machine for them to ask your spouse what men and women and pigs do without clothes on!

10)  Cheat on your diet!  F*ck the calories!  Dig in and enjoy the chocolate ice cream over the chocolate brownie with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.  If you feel guilty, cut up a damn banana and tell yourself you're eating something healthy!  Who's to know what you do when the kids are gone?  Cheat all you want!  Just wash the dishes after you're done or the next time you have a hard time getting into your jeans, some smart ass little mouth is going to say, "If you'd lay off the chocolate ice cream while we're at school, they'd fit!"

So, will I be happy when the kids go back to school?  

Let me say that the education of our youth depends on the quality of education they receive.  Without proper education, our children will grow up to follow in the footsteps of the leaders of today.  If you want your children to be intelligent and have a great future, home school them. 

However, if you like the thoughts of enjoying some of the items on the list above ...

Send the little monsters to school!!!!

You'll be happy you did!