Saturday, November 8, 2014

Space Virgins, Anacondas, Murder Incorporated, and Ariana Grande ... And No Damn Extended Version Hobbits!

See All The Great Ten Things Of
Thankful Posts Here
I came very close to posting last week, but, obviously, didn't.  

However, if you came here and read the previous week's post (thinking it was current) I can only hope you enjoyed it.

I had decided to write a post last week, since it was Halloween, from the twisted viewpoint of a stalker.  In my past, I'd written a poem about one, but a full fledged post of Ten Things of Thankful from that view would have given me the space necessary to really get into the guts of the matter.

There were two things that stopped me from completing that post.
  1. Was it really the right thing to do considering the tone of most of the posts in the hop?
  2. By attempting to add humor and sarcasm into the embodiment of the post, I started to question how "sick" I really wanted to sound ... or be!

I know, you don't think I've any self imposed limits from some of the things I present.  (Okay, I'll admit, I cross the line whenever possible for shock factor.)  Still, even I have limits to certain perversions.  (I've never had a relationship with sheep in my life ... regardless of what you believe.)

I found by analyzing I could come up with a Reason #3 for not writing that type of post.  The hypocrisy was right in front of me, and it took days for me to see it.

As you may know, I have a running battle with television "mind doctors" validating the violent acts of individuals.  By finding excuses as to "Why" the act was committed, it is my opinion that they are allowing a person in similar life circumstances to feel as though any act of violence is excusable.  

Example:  A person is bullied in school, rejected by the opposite sex, and picked on by certain teachers.  He see's on television a "mind doctor" stating that the reason the school shooter did what he did was because he was bullied in school, rejected by the opposite sex, and picked on by certain teachers!  Now, the person has a central point from which to base his validation in committing a similar act!  

If I had written a story from a stalker's point of view, I might have provided a central point to a person "on the edge" and ready to explode.  I know, the odds are minimal.  But, as most who write have to ask themselves, "Do I want to be responsible for someone dying simply because I decided to go over the line in topic descriptiveness?  That would put me in the same category as playing a Judas Priest record backwards, wouldn't it?"  

To do that would be hypocritical on my part, which would blow my credibility any time I started ranting.  Say I wrote, "... he grabbed her from behind with his left arm while stuffing a rag in her mouth with his right.  A quick punch to the child's stomach knocked the air and fight out of her, changing her screams to whimpers.  Wouldn't her parents be surprised when they finally got off their heated seat asses in their $50 thousand dollar Lexus and discovered her missing?  I really am thankful that some parents are so watchful!"

What if it happened?
(By the way, if that description happens to fit any crime over the weekend, 
I have an alibi.)

No, I'd never be able to live with myself.  That would mean I'd have to divorce myself, pay alimony that I can't really afford to consider, and only have the cats for two weekends a month.  I'd have to do my own ironing, cooking, and cleaning of the home toilet.  Worst of all, I wouldn't have anyone to ignore with my decades trained selective hearing.  I would be a waste of a man.

Or, I could sell the story to True Detective magazine and make a mint!

Maybe I should reconsider.  

This week I'm thankful for:

"Hey, anyone seen my toothpaste?
1)  Fanged Deer.   For the first time in over 60 years, the Chinese Musk Deer has been seen in Northeastern Afghanistan.  The males really do have fangs that they use in determining who will get the female.

"I'm sorry, this is so hard to believe.  First, Halloween was just last week, so tales like this one could be just that ... a tall tale.  "Sure, let's see just how damn stupid Americans are by putting out a story about a Count Deercula and his herd of furry bloodsuckers.  

Secondly, if there are so few of this deer that they haven't been seen in 60 years, there ain't a whole lot of deer screwing going on.  Seriously, unless the deer miraculously developed a birth control pill in their secret laboratory in the wilderness city, either the male deer are all gay, or the female deer just ain't putting out!  Next thing you know, someone will be breeding rabbits with these things just to get a good population going.  Of course, the deer might all kill themselves trying to jump into holes in the ground, but the damn things were supposed to be extinct anyway ... Right????"

2)  Virgin's Crash.  I can only imagine one or two of you with dirty minds expecting this to be a bit on sex.  Sorry!  No, the commercial company that's trying to commercialize space travel, Virgin Galactic, had their first spacecraft crash last week.  Turns out a "feathering" system that slows down the craft was computer activated too early.  All the "feathers" burned up, and created a boom-boom scenario for the entire vessel.

Let's look at it this way.  Remember your first time?  You got all hot and bothered before you knew it.  Sweating, panting, flailing, screaming ... and then, before anyone was ready, POOF!!!   All gone!   Premature ejaculation!  So, in your infinite wisdom, couldn't the same thing happen to a rocket ship?   I rest my case.  

Got a cigarette handy?
"We'll smile in your face,
all the time we wanna steal your gun,
The Gun Nabbers"

3)  TSA.  In October, TSA found and confiscated 181 firearms in carry on luggage during pre-flight screening at U.S. airports.  Out of those confiscated, 157 were loaded and over fifty had rounds chambered.  In addition, TSA collected a 13 inch cane sword as well.  

People, let's try this one more time.  You Cannot Carry Weapons Onto An Airliner In the United States!  You can carry chewing gum, one plastic cigarette lighter, comb, and other small articles on board, but a .357 Magnum is simply not allowed.  Duhhhhh!

Didn't you people ever see "Goldfinger" or "Airport"?  If you shoot a gun in a plane, the bullets have ample opportunity to pierce the cabin walls and create a suction that will send you outside the plane faster than your grandma could cut a hickory switch and blister your bottom!  All of your 40 inch waist will be sucked down to the 18 inch window size and you'll be spewed out in a liquid stream that pedestrians walking below will swear hundreds pigeons with advanced diarrhea just flew overhead.  

So, if you want to keep your guns safe, fly to your destination without delay, and enjoy the trip as much as you can, make sure you store your guns with the shoe bombs in your check-in luggage.  The TSA will love you for it!

"Betcha can't see me ...
Betcha can't see me!"
4)  Transparent Automobiles.  Japanese researchers are toying with the idea of transparent cars to increase the visibility of drivers.  Those who scratch their crotch and re-align bras in their cars were aghast to hear this.  It suddenly became a matter of privacy to them.  However, since finding out that the transparency would be created by cameras and projectors that sent outside images to screens within the car, giving it the effect of being transparent, the resistance has lessened.  Said one individual, "It's just like picking your nose or masturbating in the car as you drive down the highway.  No one can see you doing it!"  

5)  AC/DC Hire For Murder.  Phil Rudd, who used to be the drummer for the classic rock band AC/DC, was arrested in his home country of New Zealand the other day for attempting to hire an individual to murder two other individuals.  However, he has been released on bond pending his court date.  Details on the planned targets identities are sketchy at this time.  It has been said that members of five boy bands are under police protection at this time, as well as the entire judging cast of Dancing With The Stars and Richard Simmons!

6)  Rubik's Cube.  The Rubik's Cube was just granted the honor of having been entered into the National Toy Hall of Fame.  Having been available in the United States, the Rubik's Cube is the one toy that has annoyed me since inception.  In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten all the sides the right color ... except for one damn cube!  One damn cube!!  I hatted and still hate this damn toy!  One damn color square ... One more damn square!  Makes me want to go out and hire someone to kill the damn inventor of this nightmare!!!   Any suggestions, Phil?

7)  United States Postal System.  Buckling under pressure from independent competitors and the general public, the USPS has announced they will be making mail deliveries on Sundays between now and Christmas in larger cities and high traffic areas.  This will either give you some extra days to receive your holiday packages, or the USPS extra days to lose them.  Still, receiving them in January instead of March will definitely be an improvement!

8)  Ariana Grande.  Thousands of Country Music fans are shaking their heads in disbelief as this Pop Queen somehow maneuvered herself into performing one of her pop songs, "Bang Bang", with Little Big Town backing her up at the CMA's Wednesday evening.  The Country Music Association should be shamed for inviting her, as well as Meghan Trainor and her song "All About That Bass" (performed with a Miranda Lambert backing vocal).  Perhaps next year, the CMA's will invite Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, and Katy Perry as performers, as Country Music finds itself taking the back seat to Pop again.  "YEE-HAWW, yo, yo, yo, baby, baby, baby, peace out!"
"This Is Country Music?
By jove, old chap, you've got to be kidding!"

9)  Snake Bait.  A researcher has volunteered to have himself soaked with pig's blood in a protective suit and then swallowed by a Green Anaconda for the reality show "Eaten Alive."  The suit will have a tether to pull him out, just in case things don't go as planned.

Okay, first of all, regardless of the fake pictures you've seen on the web, there's no way a green anaconda's mouth will go over the shoulders of a grown man.  In addition, is everyone forgetting that the snake is a constrictor and squeezes its prey with such strength that the blood flow is stopped and a stroke takes place, long before it even thinks about eating its prey.  Anyone that has ever owned a constrictor will tell you they even squeeze dead animals (rats and such) just to make sure they're really dead!

Now, the only way around the constriction part would be to secure the head and the tail, stretch them out until the snake is straight, oil up the suit with WD-40, Stand up the platform with its head to the North, open up the snake's mouth wide, and dive headfirst from a twenty feet platform into the snake's mouth, ripping him apart from top to bottom during the fall.

Or, we could just forget about the whole damn thing and get this guy a date!

10) Hobbit Movie Extended Versions.  This week the second of the Hobbit series, The Desolation Of Smaug (Extended Version) hit the stores.  Best Buy overcharged for this one with an advertised sale price of $29.99, while Target offered the metal box version (w/ Blu-Ray & Digital HD copies) for $22.99.  Being a fan of this series, I drove to Target to purchase this supposed "can't do without" version, even though I already owned the original release.  I'll be damned if I can tell the difference between the two.  There's supposed to be 15 minutes of additional footage, but where it's at is a question to me.  So, my New Year's resolution (made early) is to stop buying these rip-off extended versions if I already own the original!  I thank Target for at least making it a little more affordable, as Best Buy proved this time that they are indeed not the best buy.  On a side note, can anyone answer the question, "Why is it taking so damn long and so many movies to cover one book, when the follow-up series "Lord of the Rings" only used one movie per book?"

And Then We'll Go Get
Phil's Girlfriend!"
**AC/DC Follow-Up.  Police have decided that they don't have enough evidence to prosecute Phil Rudd, so they've dropped the hitman procuring charges.  However, they think they have enough to prosecute him for threatening to kill and have charged him for that.  Before this is all over, we'll probably find out that Phil had a spat with his girlfriend and told her to go jump off a cliff or something.  All this publicity surrounding AC/DC just happens to come as they're getting ready to release a new album next month.  I understand they've also been invited to play at next year's CMA's, at the take-off of the next Virgin Galactic space craft, and during the man eating anaconda event.  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

And that's going to do it for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.

Now ... I think I'll go out stalking for a while.

Got your windows open?