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(No, damn
it, I’m not that old.)
… just one
of those nights when my attention is diverted elsewhere.
This is the
most distracting time of the year for me, being a college basketball die hard
fan. The NCAA Tourney, even though some
of the games outcomes are already set up by the NCAA and CBS as to which team will win
(in order to keep ratings high for all the advertisers), takes my thoughts from
the dimension they normally lie within and scatters them all over the
television screen.
(Yeah, like
it’s any different than any other time.
Right?)
I can’t help
myself. I am a college basketball fan
freak! The cold sweats and nervous twitches go crazy as the tourney begins! I’ve loved it all my life and
will probably continue to do so until the day I die (which will hopefully come
after a tourney championship has been decided, as it would truly suck to end up
in Heaven or Hell not knowing the winner).
“Hey, St.
Peter … before we go any further with this question and answer sh*t, do you
think you could let me know the score to last night’s game? I’ll make it worth your while … seriously!”
I remember
my childhood days of going outside after a huge snow and dribbling the
basketball on the snow on my driveway court until it was nicely packed
down. Then, I’d take off my coat and
play for a couple of hours, or until my mother came out screaming about being
outside without a coat, whichever came first.
And, now one wants a mad, raving, raging Italian mom chasing you outside in the snow. You might later find yourself nursing a sore butt and eating a dish of
pasta with triple garlic or onion powder administered.
So, as I sit
here, recollecting what it was like to play basketball in the snow, the 60” television
is showing dunks, 3 point shots, and college cheerleaders bouncing breasts up
and down that shouldn’t belong to college cheerleaders. (Where were these girls when I was in college?) And aren’t the uniforms getting more and more
skimpy? (The cheerleaders’ uniforms,
that is!)
(God, I love
this time of the year!)
And, for
those of you that could care less about basketball and are anxiously awaiting a part 2 of the missing plane story I wrote
last week, let me just say one thing:
The plane is
still missing.
Now, there’s
a couple of things for sure by now.
Somewhere, the plane came down, either by crashing or landing. There’s no damn way it’s still up in the
air. The other thing is that everyone is
constantly contradicting what everyone else is predicting. So, let’s be honest. No one knows where the hell the plane went!!! There’s only one thing for sure.
The plane is
still missing.
If they’re
sitting somewhere, you’ve got to be sure, there’s some really pissed off NCAA
Basketball Tourney fans there. I wouldn’t
want to be one of their captors right now.
There’s nothing worse than a NCAA Basketball Tourney fan that doesn’t
get a chance to watch the tourney games.
(Well, maybe the Navy Seals or USMC special forces that have to stop
watching the games to go rescue their butts, but, besides that, nothing
worse. Well, maybe a mad wife going
through the change of life on a hot, summer day, but, besides that, nothing
worse. Well, maybe a mad Italian mother ...)
However, I
have the games available to see. For
that, I count my ten thankfuls for the first round of games I get to see. Ten times I watch the shots, ten times I
witness the upsets, ten times I enjoy the games that some cannot see.
The plane is
still missing.
Again, Lizzi
(who has been stumbling around on one hell of a drunk the last few days) and her stoic squad of
hearty supporters (do they still make girdles) bring forth the time of the week
in which we can all be thankful, as it is now time for
TEN THINGS
OF THANKFUL !!!
This week, I’m
thankful for:
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| So what if it's retro! The damn thing's comfortable! |
1) Waterbed mattresses. My wife’s mattress, after a torrid affair
with her boyfriend (of which she denies), finally decided to share its internal
moisture with the outside world. Yeah, it let loose with hundreds of gallons of water from a split seam!
Now, we still love our waterbeds. The heater in the Winter, along with the way they contour to one’s body to give proper support, make sleeping a pure blissful experience. A quick search of the web found a replacement mattress almost immediately. Even though I’m having to put off getting brakes for my truck (for the second straight year), I was able to order her another motionless one for only $200. Now, if I can just keep her from dropping pens and combs down inside of the frame (and keeping her boyfriend’s activities at his place), she’ll soon have a mattress to once again enjoy. (What the hell am I saying??? I’m going to be the one sleeping on the couch while she takes my bed until the replacement gets here!!! God, the things we do for love.)
Now, we still love our waterbeds. The heater in the Winter, along with the way they contour to one’s body to give proper support, make sleeping a pure blissful experience. A quick search of the web found a replacement mattress almost immediately. Even though I’m having to put off getting brakes for my truck (for the second straight year), I was able to order her another motionless one for only $200. Now, if I can just keep her from dropping pens and combs down inside of the frame (and keeping her boyfriend’s activities at his place), she’ll soon have a mattress to once again enjoy. (What the hell am I saying??? I’m going to be the one sleeping on the couch while she takes my bed until the replacement gets here!!! God, the things we do for love.)
2) Teenager atop WTC. A sixteen year old boy slid past security
guards and climbed ladders and such to arrive at the top of the World Trade
Center Sunday. Why did he do it? To take pictures, of course! Police arrested him once they found him and
charged him with trespassing. Police
couldn’t believe he’d done it because they had “No Trespassing” signs
posted. (I’d say these are the same cops
that couldn’t believe the 9/11 jets hit the towers because they had a “No Hittting Tower With Jets ” sign posted.)
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| "I wonder if they can bury me with my cowboy hat on? Don't I look like that guy from the Village People???" |
3) Fred Phelps Dead. The Westboro Baptist Church founder died
Friday. Of course, the church is well
known as being the least compassionate church in existence as they obnoxiously protest at
funerals of service men, gays, and others throughout the United States.
We extend a hearty invitation for all gays, bikers, servicemen, and anyone with a shred of common decency to come to the funeral services and protest to their hearts desire. We’re hoping for a crowd of at least 400,00, whose voices in unison will drown out any of the words spoken at his services. We wish it to be a true demonstration of Christianity, as it truly is better to give than to receive. (I just hope he was a NCAA Basketball fan and no one in the afterlife tells him the scores! muhahahahaha!)
We extend a hearty invitation for all gays, bikers, servicemen, and anyone with a shred of common decency to come to the funeral services and protest to their hearts desire. We’re hoping for a crowd of at least 400,00, whose voices in unison will drown out any of the words spoken at his services. We wish it to be a true demonstration of Christianity, as it truly is better to give than to receive. (I just hope he was a NCAA Basketball fan and no one in the afterlife tells him the scores! muhahahahaha!)
.jpg) |
| "Whatever happened to the days a guy could earn a quarter the right way ... in the men's restrooms?" |
4) Man Steals Quarters. Thomas Rica, a former public works inspector,
stole over $460,000 in quarters over a 25 month period of time. The Ridgewood, New Jersey official would go
into the room where they kept money from the parking meters and fill his
pockets with quarters. He’d then go to
his bank and deposit them. (I suspect
that one of the bank tellers said, “No, we never questioned how he got all
those quarters. We just figured that he
gave one hell of a blow job! After all, he was a politician!”)
5) President Obama fills out NCAA Bracket. So, he likes basketball. Big deal.
He should be doing more important things. Who’d he pick to win it all? Who cares?
Like, he’s going to save the country if he hits a free throw or
something. “Hey, you’re making big
bucks. Get to work!”
6) California targeted by Cyber-Gangs. So what?
Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition tells everything there is to know about California
every night! Besides, by the time the
criminals get through all the “Hey, Dude’s”, it's old news anyway! Go to the beach and wait on the tidal wave,
folks. Be happy!
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| "Wait until next time when they catch us for serving food that is declared inedible! Oops! You mean they already did? |
7) McDonalds to pay back pay. New York came to the rescue and got 1,600
workers back pay for work done while clocked out, overtime pay, and uniform
cleaning allowance. When asked what they
were going to do with the settlement money, one employee stated, “I’m going to
McDonald’s!” (Now you know why they
worked off the clock to begin with!)
8) Samsung releases new Ultra HD TV’s. Okay, so it’s curved and is supposed to give
you even a better picture. Next, thing
you know, they’ll be coming out with Ultra HD Blu-Ray players, which will make
all your current Blu-Rays obsolete. So,
you’ll soon be replacing all of them once again. From VHS to DVD to Blu-Ray to Ultra Blu-Ray,
one might ask, “How many damn times am I going to have to buy the same movie
just to watch it when I want?”
And someone
on the missing plane goes, “Hey, you got a different movie? Do you know how many times they’ve shown us “The
Croods”?
9) Starbucks to sell wine. Starbucks is going to start selling wine to
its evening crowd in select locations soon. They’ve been
experimenting in different markets and find it to be a big seller. So, they get you drunk, and then make a mint
sobering you back up with $4 cups of coffee.
Damn, maybe they’re on to something!
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| "Okay, Okay! So some of us can't fly! Big F***in' Deal!" |
10) Why don't Fruit Flies fall out of the
sky. Scientists have spent thousands of
dollars researching Fruit Flies. More defined,
the reason Fruit Flies don’t fall out of the sky. After all their research, they’ve found out
what most of us have known for years. “The
Suckers Fly, Damn It! They Fly!!!!”
That’s it
for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.
I appreciate your attention and effort in getting through this week’s
effort. I honestly can’t tell you how
many times I’ve stopped to watch the games.
So, until next week, don’t forget …
The plane is
still missing!
And, if my
wife does have a boyfriend, the S.O.B. had better be on it!
Ciao!
