Thursday, July 18, 2013

Bitching, Church and God's Sense Of Humor!!! (FTSF)

Rich's Dad Is A Tight Muth ... Shut Your Mouth ...
I Was Only Talking About His ...Oh forget it!
"My father is such a tight ass that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Gerbils has him on their
10 Most Wanted List!!!"

No, I haven't been asking him for money.  Those days passed by a long time ago.  I haven't extra needed money to go out on a date in over 33 years, or ever since I married my wife. 

She doesn't go out much.  Sad thing is, she doesn't allow me  date others either. 


OMG, I just turned every female in Blogland against me!  Would it help if I told you that 
I've been calling her that for 33 years, and that it is actually a sign of achievement?

How about if I offered you free lunch at Taco Hell?

Please, Please, No More Taco Hell!!!!!
God, the dogs are already 
barking outside!

See, when I first met my wife, 
I didn't know that she was a manic depressive.  

(I thought she was just bummed out after seeing me for the first time, or really just a bitch!)  

In fact, the only reason I asked her out for a pizza after first meeting her was that she was so bummed out, I wanted to  put a smile on her face.

No, not with a magic marker! 
A real "hey, look at me, I'm happy" type of smile!

After we were wed, I took it upon myself to end her depression.  
(No, I didn't shoot her for insurance money ... although now that I think about it...)  

Every time she would start to moan or groan 
(Which never happened during sexual activity.), 
(That may have happened during sexual activity!)  
I'd put on my sweetest smile and in my most gentle tones of sarcasm retort,

"Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!"

It wasn't say that she was a bitch 
(even though she was damn good at it when she wanted to be, as most women are), 
it was basically allowing her to see herself from the eyes of another, and to bring an awareness to what was taking place.  
(Plus, it was fun making her believe that load of crap, hee hee!) 

As time marched on, like her elephant stump ankles, she gradually lessened the need to repeat it three times.  So, in reward, I'd simply say,

"Bitch, Bitch!"

She noticed that I had dropped one of the bitches immediately!  
(She didn't know I had a couple of others on the side.)  
Her response to minus one bitch was amazing!  She became happier and more positive in her attitude.  Thus, although somewhat painful, it didn't take long for me to validate dropping another bitch from my psychological form of treatment.  So,  
became a term to be used to describe a long and painful journey that had brought her depression out into the open so that it could be seen and slowly destroyed.

And, it was a hell of a lot cheaper, and a whole lot more fun for me, 
than buying her Prosaic! 

Now, if I don't call her "Bitch" when I talk to her, she thinks that I'm trying to hide something.  
So, I plead with you to please understand that after 33 years of marriage

Sometimes ... Life's a Bitch!  
But, That's Life ... Sometimes!!!
(OMG ... I just slipped in another shameless promo for my blog!!!)
"Rich, you bastard you!!!"

So, why am I here again?  I'm not your father!
Oh, and you're probably wondering why I started off this whole thing talking about my father, right?  There's only one answer I can give to that. 

I had to start it off with something!!!

Okay, so something we can't bitch about is that it is once again,

Finish The Sentence Friday. 
Here's the obligatory JPEG:
Just in case you've been hiding in the bushes for the last six months or so (be careful, there are those that will give you a major rash), Finish The Sentence Friday is where our wonderful hostesses throw out the beginning of a thought and we are supposed to enlighten you with a tale of daring and excitement.  Sometimes it's fairly easy and sometimes, they make it difficult.  (This may be one of those "difficult" weeks ... we'll see!)  

This week, their prompt is:

"In church (place of worship), I learned to ..."

(Thanks hostesses, you're really testing my limits this week!)

So, without further ado ....

"In church (place of worship), I learned to ...
understand that God has got to have
a tremendous sense of humor!"

"Hallelujah" sisters and brothers, I say, "Hallelujah to all of ye!"  "God", I say "God, does indeed have a tremendous sense of humor!  I am a personal witness to that!" 

"What?" You ask!  "What are you saying, Brother Rich?  Have you been present to see God's sense of humor?  Please tell us, brother, please tell us more" you say!"

"We are all in the presence of the Lord in everything we say and everything you do!  Yes, even when you're picking your nose in your car and you think no one can see you ... God can see you, and makes it so everyone see's you!"  Not only is God laughing, brothers and sisters, but the whole world is laughing at you right along with him!

"Now, did God not make man in his own image?"  "Yes", brothers and sisters, "Yes" the Bible tells you God made man in his own image!  So, "how do I know that God has a sense of humor", you ask?  "What does making man in his own image have anything to do with humor?  Do we all not have basically the same shape?"

I want one of those, and those, and those, and those, and those, and ...
"Friends, have you ever seen the shoppers 
at Wal-Mart?"

"Can I have an AMEN?"  


Shout it loud, brothers and sisters, shout it loud and shout it proud!  Wal-Mart, that home of heathen shrinking underwear and supporting benefactor of homeless wages, proves every day that God has a sense of humor simply by opening its doors and presenting the "Wal-Mart Sexy Shopper Sensual Revue!" 

Okay, so it's 25 points for adults,
but you only get 10 for babies?

Yes, God loves a good laugh. 

Why else would God allow man the common sense to build sidewalks to keep from being hit by cars, and then create joggers to run in the middle of the damn road?!?!?!?

Hallelujah and Hit 'Em Hard!!!

So, yes, my splintered family of the hardwood pews, I have learned in church that God enjoys a good sense of humor.  From the bottom of the soul to the top of the North Pole with Mr. and Mrs. Claus, a giggle, a smirk, a smile, a full hearted belting out, and even tears of joy make God recognize that he indeed did something right to benefit all alive.  A smile a day will relieve the tension that others that don't have apples will create, and allow you a break from the reality of the moronic misery that surrounds our daily lives.  He knew what he was doing when he developed humor. 

And, lastly, church tells us we're not to question God.  Still, I'd like an explanation as to what in the Hell went wrong when he allowed Honey Boo Boo to be born!
Zis Boom Bah, Zis Boom Bah
Plant the Seed, Plant the Seed
Ignore my Heed, Ignore my Heed

Honey Boo Boo!!!!!!

All The Proof Ever Needed