Friday, October 30, 2015

Halloween Tales, Ghostly Wails, and Ten Things Of Thankful

**This was actually written prior to last week's post, but not posted as I'd confused Halloween to be last week instead of this.  So, overlook the "haven't posted in three weeks" bit and enjoy the rest ... I hope!"

Over the last three weeks, I've written three separate posts.

I've published none of them.

I thought they were good, but not excellent.  They all made their points, but none of them would have received more than a slight belly chuckle from the reader.

That's not what I'm all about.

It is my goal
 to make people laugh.  

In the past weeks, I've written about gun control, cutbacks in Social Security, and other social topics.  Again, all would have easily have been posted on many sites.  

Just not here.

It gets discouraging at times when you want to make people laugh and nothing funny comes out.  Like a writer's block, it's a comic's block.  You hope that it will soon end, but like constipation, it has its own timetable to let the crap start flowing again.

So, since nothing funny wants to make itself known at this time, let me share with you a few tales of the supernatural ... paranormal if you will.

That's right ... encounters with the other side.

A story of a young fourteen-year-old lad that had been cast into a makeshift household.  This included a stepmother with whom he constantly did battle as her selfishness for her two children created tension and hostility among all that resided there.  That is, until one night when it all came to a head.

The battle was much more fierce than usual.  Profanities were thrown out by both the teenager and the stepmother.  Insults ensued and tempers flared to greater heights.  As usual, the teenager was in the wrong, at least, as far as the stepmother was concerned.  Finding no support in his father, who had turned up the television instead of acting as a mediator, the teenager turned and exited the back door of his home.

Immediately, the freezing night air reminded the teenager that he'd left with only a shirt on to face the elements.  No matter.  He had his anger to keep him warm.

He walked through the harvested corn fields and cow pastures that made up his back yard and his grandparents farm.  Climbing barbed wire fences in the dark was tricky, but he only cut himself a couple of times as his anger kept him pushing forward.

Finally, he reached the woods.  Dark and threatening as they were, he entered without a thought for his safety.  Again, it was a challenge to see the fallen trees, briar patches, and border fences within, but that didn't stop him.  Only his memories of an opening scene from "I Was A Teenage Werewolf" and the similarities in the location site filmed in the movie to his shadow filled surroundings put a slight chill up his spine.

Then, there it was.  Two miles through fields and forest had brought him to the graveyard.  Although not originally his destination, fate had brought him here.  And, right in front of him, gravestone rising in the darkness, was the last resting place of his recently passed mother.

On his knees, he spewed out his anger and frustrations to his mom.  Tales of being cast into a basement room that flooded when it rained, unfair distribution of allowance money and chore responsibilities, and the general hatred he felt to the invaders of his home filled the air. Tears flowed from his eyes and froze upon his chin before having a chance to drip away.  

Finally, there was silence.  He had no more to say.

"Go Home.  Everything will be alright."

He turned to see who was talking to him.  Yet, in the darkness, there was no figure to be seen.  He turned back to his mother's gravestone as if it would offer safety.

"Go Home.  Everything will be alright."

Again, there it was.  A male's voice rang in his ears.  It was so close he could sense the breath upon his neck.  But, when he turned, there was no one there.

"Go Home.  Everything will be alright."

The voice came from all around him this time.  It wasn't an inner voice speaking, but one that filled the air ... like from loudspeakers at a sporting event.  

He rose, said goodbye to his mother, and walked to the highway bordering the graveyard.  Within minutes, a car, driving slowly from the opposite direction, slowed and stopped.  It was his father with all of his makeshift family.  The teenager walked across the road, opened the front door, and got into the car.  Nothing further was ever said about the incident.

Years later, after the military, the young man was no longer a teenager.  As he was going to attend a local university, he found a great bargain on a house to rent.  Four bedrooms upstairs, a huge kitchen, dining room, and living room downstairs, with bathrooms both above and below.  He fell in love with the house.

After a short time, he noticed things would disappear from the living room.  First, it might be a can of Coke or a pack of cigarettes.  Then, it moved on to bags of pot or textbooks.  

He could always find them upstairs on the floor in the center of one of the smaller bedrooms.

The back of the house had a small apartment segregated off.  The girl that moved in there
hated the home.  She always complained about the furnace going out and having to go down and light the pilot light when he was gone.  He'd never had that happen.

One night, coming home from work, he pulled into the driveway to see the girl running out of the basement and throwing herself face first into the snow.  When her boyfriend returned from taking her to the hospital, he stated that they hated the place and the damned furnace that kept going out and were moving out as soon as she recovered from her burns.

It was the first night that the young man heard the baby chuckle.

After the couple had moved, the baby could be heard at night when the evening's lights were turned off.  At times, it would be crying.  However, it didn't take the young man long to realize that if he talked to it that he could stop the crying and get a baby chuckle out of it.  

It worked wonderfully in getting girls to leave after sex instead of having to go through awkward morning after conversations.

The years flew by and the young man had aged, gotten married, and had a family of his own.  He'd had a few experiences out of the normal realm take place over the years, several almost dangerous in nature, but he thought he was over them.

His being promoted to Sales Manager required him to move to the middle of a country.  It was a small town and rentals weren't easy to come by.  One of his employees knew of a house that had just come open.  A quick visit with the landlord, a transfer of funds, and a handshake were all that were needed to seal the deal.

Not wanting to move his family there until the school year would be over in a couple of months, the gentleman moved in by himself.  He knew that with it being an older home that it wouldn't be as bright as some of the newer ones.  He just didn't know the darkness that the home really held within.

His first night there was one filled with fear.  He entered the bedroom to be met with ice cold temperatures.  His breath could easily be seen in the air in front of him, which was extremely rare in the Alabama late spring with only a window unit air conditioner in the room.  In addition, no matter which way he turned he felt as though there was someone there, watching his every move.  He closed the door to the room and wedged a two by four between the dresser and the chest on either side of the door frame.  He didn't sleep well for several days.

However, once he brought his family down that weekend, things seemed to ease up.  The laughter of his two girls and wife filled the home and seemed to meet the approval of whatever had been disapproving of his homesteading until then.  Never again did the home seem to want them gone.

Years later, after moving away and then coming back for a visit with in-laws the next year, they drove by the house.  In one year, the house had aged thirty.  The roof sagged between the support beams and the entire house exuded a look of having the life drained out of it.  It was sad to see it in such a condition.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

I'll never know exactly where the voice in the graveyard came from.  It was too late and too cold for someone to physically be there.  Some say it was a voice from above and others say it was a voice of the dead.  Either way, I know it was truly there.

The house I'd rented while in college had a history that I didn't know about until after having moved in.  Neighbors later told me a man had gone off the deep end (several years before) and shot his entire family there.  The neighbors heard the yelling, the shots, and the baby crying endlessly as windows were open during the Fall in which it had occurred.  Finally, one more shot and the crying stopped.  One final shot and silence prevailed until the sirens arrived.  I might add, I lived in that house alone for almost another year after the couple moved out and the furnace never once went out.  I never had a girl make it through staying an entire night there either!

The home for my family turned out to have had the landlord's wife die with cancer within it.  I understand she'd suffered there for months before finally passing on.  Although I never saw anything or anyone there, my youngest daughter swears to this day that she saw an older woman in the house many times when she was there alone.

So, in closing this part of the post today, I can only say one thing .....

Now, it's time for 
Ten Things Of Thankful!  

This Week I'm Thankful For ...

1)  ... Earthquake in Afghanistan and Pakistan kills over 260 ... and the United States press did its best to minimize this disaster.   For a week, we heard about Hurricane Patricia and how devastating it was going to be.  Then, when it hit, news suddenly disappeared.  Now, an earthquake killing hundreds of people has occurred, and the headlines are once again about the future presidential race.

I guess big business isn't making any money in the hurricane and earthquake hit areas, so why bother reporting on it.  Or, could it be that there were no police abusing their authority and the news agencies couldn't manufacture sensationalism, as they're so good at?  

Funny how they can make such a big deal over one student disobeying a teacher and a police officer (excuse me, one innocent, young, pristine example of fine upbringing), but they have no interest in hundreds getting killed elsewhere.  Don't all lives matter?  Gives them a chance to show their true color, doesn't it?          

$$$$$$ GREEN $$$$$$

2)  ... Khloe Kardashian cut her long locks.   

Anything talking about the Kardashian's 
is a complete whorer 
... oops, horror story.

3) ...  Seven-Year-Old chokes on school lunch and no one helps her.  Noelia Echavarria's family feels as though she may have choked on a sandwich trying to eat it too fast as school employees had hurried her before.  The young lady is now brain dead as she turned blue before paramedics could arrive.  No one attempted to assist her in any way prior to their arrival.

I'm just wondering how many of them had their phones out filming 
the incident to see if they could get a "views" record on YouTube later.
Sad thing is that's probably TRUE!

4)  ... Mike Tyson endorses Donald Trump for President.  Mike feels as though America needs a business minded individual to run it.  So, he's endorsing Donald Trump.
Let's see, Mike's been hit in the head many, many times in the boxing ring in the past?  He's also attempting to become a celebrity again with his Adult Swim show.  Just goes to prove, "Any publicity is good publicity!"

(And then we all woke up out of our nightmare, 
felt to see that we still had both of our ears,
and went back to sleep.)

5) ... Man put in coma after E-Cigarette explodes.  Evan Spahlinger, 21, of Naples, Florida, was put into a medically induced coma after an E-Cigarette exploded once, sent the lithium battery down his throat, and exploded again.  

Now you know why I smoke Pall Mall 100 Lights.  
Screw those exploding suckers!

6)  ... Top Five Halloween Candies.  According to a Yahoo survey, the number 5 favorite Halloween candy are Kit Kats, followed by other chocolate bars, M&M's, and Snickers at number two, just behind Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Oh, those are the favorites to be received by Trick or Treater's.  
My favorites are generic Sweet Tarts, generic Twizzlers, and 
anything else I can find at the Dollar Store that's cheap and will
 keep the little bastards from toilet papering the trees
 in my front yard!

7)  ... Patriotic Shirt banned by California School.  The Yuba Gardens Intermediate School sent an honor student home the other day for wearing a Kohl's T-Shirt bearing the California State Emblem.  Their excuse:  Because it had a red star in the upper corner it was gang related material.

I guess they're right on this one.  It was a gang of white settlers 
that decided to go into the turf of the noble Native Americans, 
steal their land, profit from their natural resources, and 
breed a society that couldn't figure out when 
a t-shirt is gang related or not.

God, what a serious bunch of stupid assholes!
I'm guessing they'll ban the California State Flag next!!!

8)  ... Texting Drivers caught by Homeless Man Police Officer.  Okay, so you're driving along, come to an intersection, and decide to check your texts.  Why?  To keep from looking at the homeless guy with his cardboard sign that you know is probably pulling the scam on you.  Why?  Because many of them are doing just that.

So, you pull away, drive 100 yards, and are pulled over and given a citation for Distracted Driving!  Later, you find out that the homeless man's sign read, "I'm not homeless.  I'm a police officer looking for distracted drivers texting or using cell phones."

Mad?  Damn right!  

That's exactly what happened in Baltimore, Md.  Over 56 drivers were given citations.  Guess the city needed some extra cash and the Annual Policeman's Ball will now be funded.  

I've nothing about police pulling over folks for texting while driving.  You gotta do something to stop these idiots.  However, when one has to look at every supposedly homeless person at every corner and read their signs to find out if they're a police officer or not, there's something wrong.  

Of course, at the price of tickets these days, give me one and I'll be homeless.  

I think I'll put on my sign, 
"For $5, find out the location of the Homeless Man Police Officer Today!"

Sounds like a bargain to me!

9)  ... WHO says you have Herpes ... they really do!  The World Health Organization says that two thirds of the world's population has oral herpes.  You know, cold sores, fever blisters ... stuff like that.  That's like 3.7 billion people!  Scientists are desperately attempting to discover a cure, but to this point, everything they've come up with won't validate the price the drug companies want you to pay.  (Wait a minute, retract that last sentence.)  

So, the next time you get the tingling and the lip starts to swell, don't feel sad.  
Feel like you're part of the group and wear your blister proudly!  
After all, most everyone else will too! 

10)  ... Halloween is a racist holiday!  

I was on Facebook the other day and saw a post stating that Halloween is a racist holiday.  I didn't want to read the post and didn't.  


Because I'm fed up.  I'm fed up because everyone can find something wrong with everything these days and do their best to ruin the fun for the majority.

Taking the costumed young ones out to gather candy, telling ghost stories, watching horror movies ... these are all things that I can't associate to racism.  They are things you do once a year to take the normal, boring life we live to a new level of excitement.  

It's bad enough the world seems to be taking Christ out of Christmas, trying to find fault in Thanksgiving, and getting the ASPCA involved with Groundhog's Day and Easter.  If you don't have enough racism in your life already, how about saving it for another time and let people enjoy this satanic, evil and bloody holiday in their own way.

Life is going to be pretty damn boring when you eliminate all holidays.  Of course, the herd you'll be a part of then will be non-thinking, much like many of those complaining today.  I'll be dead by then, thank goodness, and won't have to see the crappy place you've created in which to reside.

But, maybe, just maybe, I'll come back as a poltergeist and scare 
the hell out of you for your lack of reason, fun, and tolerance.

Hell ... I will come back.  That's a promise!

So, change your ways ... or else!



Friday, October 23, 2015

Far Out ... It's Halloween!!! What? It's not? Damn!! Oh well, it's time for TTOT!

I sat down last night and wrote a beautiful post.

It's all about Halloween.

I'd forgotten that Halloween is next week, not this week.

So much for 
the beautiful post.

So, here I am, sitting here wondering what I can write about that will be worth posting.  I ask myself that because for the last several weeks, I've written several posts that I have not published. 

I find myself in a niche that I'm having a hard time exiting.  A niche that continuously attempts to enlighten the masses about the profundity of our political structure, the degradation of common sense, and the ignorance of mankind that surrounds us.

No wonder I'm always in such a great mood.

I could talk about the walk in the park with the one I love.  How gorgeous the trees and flowers and green grass as the butterflies flutter about our heads ... and the gnats occasionally enter our mouths.  The warmth of one hand in the other, as we walk side by side ... being led away by police officers that didn't appreciate our becoming part of nature in the bushes.  Smiles being shared as we gaze ahead at the cameras ... taking our mugshots, before being taken to our cells for another joyous evening ... with our new partners ... or "cell buddies" if you will.

I should, but since it never happened I'd only be making things up.

Or, would I?

I could write about how much I'm looking forward to the Winter ahead.  The brisk breezes chilling you to the bone as your overcoat blows open ... exposing the "Hey, little girl" attire underneath.  Or, we could imagine rolling together down a snow covered hill that seemed never ending ... as the park security stumbled through the drifts chasing us in full determination.  Or, I could describe the brightness and warmth of the room where the camera flashed, taking mugshots ... oh, wait a minute.  We've already been there.  Sorry!

But, I'd be fabricating once again.

Or, would I?

Sitting here, I have the opportunity to reach out to all my friends with open arms and hands ... requesting handouts whenever possible.  A chance to rekindle old friendships in hopes of developing new relationships ... with their wives while they're at work.  A way to ensure new friendships will be forthcoming continually through my life ... after the mugshots are taken and new "cell buddies", oops, sorry.  Another repeat.

The written word is my slave and the page knows only I as its master.  I have the power to create as I will and demand what I must.  I have complete control over this and your television set.  Do not attempt to change the channel.  For the next ten minutes I will control all.  For I reign supreme.  I am in charge!  I am the controller!

Just give me a second.  My wife just asked me to take out the garbage.  I'll be right back.

Or, will I?

Okay, now I'm back.  It's time for


This week, I'm going to lighten things up a little bit as I've found a few of you don't like to think as much as scan.  As I don't want these few to miss something in their quest to finish without understanding, I'll now revert back to my sixth-grade writing level and begin.

This week ... I'm Thankful For:

1)  ... Showers.  Not only do they make you nice and clean, they can save a life.  

This week, my wife lounged around until 1 p.m. before taking a shower on her day off.  When she heard the knock on the door, she wasn't dressed to answer it.  Fifteen minutes later, police sirens were heard.  Within minutes, ambulances arrived at a house three doors down and the police crime scene tape was being strung out.  

Seems a couple of individuals were knocking at doors until they got someone to answer.  Then, they'd force their way into a house and rob the occupants.  At least, that was their plan.  

Unfortunate for them, they forced their way into a home thinking only the lady of the house was present.  Once inside, they found three fully grown men confronting them.  In the scuffle that followed, one of the three innocents was shot in the back, one of the guilty fled the scene, and the other guilty party was held down by the two other innocents until the police arrived.

If it hadn't have been for the shower, my wife could've been the victim.

Keep clean, honey!

2)  ... Crime Free Communities.  When we moved to our neighborhood, 22 years ago, it was known as a "Crime Free" neighborhood.  Since then, I've ran drug pushers off the block by video taping their house 24/7 and letting them know the police had a copy of all the license plates of those that visited them, my neighbor's home was robbed, a mentally ill individual attacked a lady taking her daily walk, my wife was able to scare away a person attempting to kick our back door down, and now, this latest occurrence (described above).

I'm guessing that thieves don't have anything to rob in their own neighborhoods, so they come to ours.

If I'm ever home when it happens, I can only say one thing ...

"I'd like for you to say "Hello" to my little friend and sixteen of his buddies.   
Oops!  i guess they couldn't wait to make your acquaintance.  
Oh, you want gun control?  Watch me control where the gun shoots.
Next time, stay in your own neighborhood!"

Just call me Mr. Rogers as "it's a wonderful day in the neighborhood,
a wonderful day in the neighborhood ... "

3)  ... Religious Cults.  The Word of Life church had a meeting a couple of weeks ago.  During this meeting, two teens were disciplined.  From this "discipline", one died and the other was hospitalized.

Now, to the church, this act was a necessity. The guilty parties state that it was to beat the practice of witchcraft out of them.  It was reported that the teens had been making voodoo dolls and had threatened to make one of their pastor.

The surviving youth denies this.  In fact, police have said it was because of the youths desire to leave the church for good that the incident occurred.

Either way, one is dead and the other is mending his physical wounds.  Who knows how long the mental ones will take.  It is a reminder to all of us that following a religion doesn't mean you have to take abuse by man.  Our judgment lies above, not by a group of idiots that have no other intent but to inflict pain.

But, then again, Jim Jones and David Koresh might disagree.  

Kool Aid, anyone?
4)  ... Russian President Vladimir Putan.  According to opinion polls, the Russian president has an approval rating of 89% among Russian citizens.  Even at worst, considering a maximum error difference of 20%, the man still has an approval rating that makes our last few American Presidents envious, to say the least.

Russians seem to prefer his "take charge" attitude, his "take no crap" mannerisms, and his "I'm President of one of the largest countries in the world and don't you forget it" style.  His domestic and international successes have been scorned by many in the democratic world, yet those that reside in Russia feel as though he's taking care of those at home first and worrying about everyone else second.

Gee, that's the way it was in this country once.  However, for the last two decades, few are pleased with the way things are, presidential approval ratings barely hit 50%, and the populace is always bitching about one thing or another.  How about updating our National Anthem to fit the times?
"O say can you see, 
by the shopping mall's lights,
What so proudly we watch, 
Kardashian's TV.
Tiny seats on our jets, 
squeeze our asses real tight,
No Smoking is the norm, 
so eat more and buy new clothes.
And, McDonald's yellow arch, 
and KFC pails,
Give proof on the scales, 
 heart attacks will prevail.
O' say do those PC'er's 
still bitch about everything,
The land of no middle class, 
and the home of Jared's thing."


5)  ... Immigrant Businesses.  According to a recent study done by Pew Research, 30% of the new businesses created last year were created by immigrants.  These are main street businesses (restaurants, shops and such), and usually maintain a highly visible presence. 

This really puts Americans to shame as only 17% are self-employed.  

I'm guessing it's one of two reasons for this.  1) Many Americans that owned individual businesses have fallen victim to the "Big Box" retailers over the years and grew disgusted fighting a losing battle to stay afloat against the cheap labor rates overseas, or 2) Americans are lazy as hell and want someone else to handle all the legal paperwork, insurance, and managerial duties while they take vacations, sick days, and stretch expense accounts to the max.
See what happens when you grow up playing video games all day!

6)  ... Hurricane Patricia.  The strongest hurricane on record is going to be hitting Mexico this weekend.  Scientists predict catastrophic damage when landfall is reached, stretching into the billions of dollars.

In a related story, Colorado pot retailers are increasing prices of El Primo weed this weekend as shortages are predicted as soon as Mexico takes a hit from Patricia.  Said one retailer, "Wow, man, this is just like oil prices.  Whatta rush!"

7)  ... No Criminal Charges For IRS Officials.  The Department of Justice has decided not to charge any IRS official for targeting specific groups.  

Said one anonymous source, 

"Hell, they screw everyone that can't screw them!"

8)  ... Goran Olsen.  Hiking 150 miles west of Oslo, Norway, Goran found a 1,200 year old Viking sword.  He stated he found it while digging under a pile of rocks.

However, this extraordinary find has its downside.  Seems Goran had forgotten 
where he'd left his Mexican weed and was frantically searching for it in order to take advantage of the price gouging weekend ahead when Hurricane Patricia hits Mexico.  

Flying overhead, the Marvel Avenger, Thor, saw what Goran was doing 
and smashed his skull flatter than your mother's ironed panties as a form 
of punishment.  Goran's family wept.

Okay, okay, I made up the last two paragraphs.  
Had you going though, didn't it?

9)  ... The Plague.  What you learned in school may just be wrong.  Originally thought to have started during the days of the Roman Empire, scientists, in examining teeth and other remains, have decided that the plague may have started at the time of the Bronze Age 5,000 years ago.  In addition, they report that it was transmitted by humans instead of fleas and rats.

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has readied a lawsuit that will be filed as soon as the living relatives of the Pied Piper are found.  Should you have any informations concerning their whereabouts, please notify your local society branch.

10)  ... LaGuardia Airport.  Yes, New York's famous LaGuardia International Airport has been chosen as the worst airport in America.  Surprisingly, Chicago's O'Hare was way down the list at number ten.

Says anyone that's ever flown out of or in to O'Hare ...

Dat's Bull, Dat's Bull, Dat's Bull!!!

And, that's going to do it for another edition of 
Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

Stop in next week for the post that was going to be this week
 until it was discovered this week wasn't next week.

Confused?  Come back next week and it'll all make sense!

Oh, and please leave all comments below!