Friday, January 16, 2015

Achy Breaky Hand, The Return of The Fruitcake, Marlboro Man Gone and Presidential Oops! It's Ten Things Of Thankful!

Visit All TTOT Posts HERE!!!!

Did you ever unknowingly injure your hand?

My left hand, more specifically the small and ring fingers and the muscles in the palm underneath, have ached and ached for days.  

And, for the perverted minded,
I'm right handed 

This makes typing difficult.  Not only is there pain to deal with (okay, okay, nothing like giving birth, I'm sure, but still it aches with any movement) but the fingers already mentioned (if you were reading instead of skimming you'd know the two I'm talking about) are extremely stiff.  

And, for the perverted minded, 
the fingers are all that's stiff.

I'm lucky that only my hand hurts.  I could be a politician and have to worry about my nose growing every time I opened my mouth.  What do you think the odds are that most of them have a nose job done fairly regularly because of that.  I'm guessing that's why none attended the anti terrorist peace rally in Paris last weekend.  They couldn't fit in the seating area of the plane without sticking their noses in the aisle and goosing the flight attendant every time he walked by.

And, for the perverted minded,
 I don't goosestep like the German Army.

I've heard of people making wild and passionate love for hours and hours.  (Actually, I used to hear them do that when I stayed in hotels fairly often.  Strange but True!)  The moans and the groans were not moans and groans of pain, but instead, moans and groans of knowing their spouses were somewhere else and they could enjoy sex without having to get up and take out the garbage afterwards.    

And, for the perverted minded, 
I haven't moaned or groaned in years. 

 (Damn it!!)

My grandmother used to tell me that she was always faithful to my grandfather until he died, and then she slept with two men every night, Art H. Ritus  and Ben Gay.  (I found out later that she was lying to me as that was a joke she'd stolen from a Reader's Digest Condensed Book of old.  I think it was the same one that asked, "How do you catch a unique bird?" Ans:  "U nique up on it!" )  

However, my grandmother used to moan and groan every time she either sat, or got up from her special rocking chair.  I think it was because she'd sit in the chair for hours rocking, remembering the days when her and my grandfather used to moan and groan in hotel rooms.  Over the years, the memories had turned to hemorrhoids and became a real pain in the ass.  As my grandmother was not a small woman, neither was the size of her ass, or her hemorrhoids (I can only imagine), and neither was the pain they provided.  I know my grandmother was never a flight attendant, but I'm not sure about her ass's relationship with politicians and their magical growing noses.    

And, for the perverted minded, 
how dare you envision my grandmother's ass!  

Man, would you believe my left hand still hurts?

I might have injured it while attempting to pick up a box that had been delivered by a UPS driver today.  His note said:  

"We have weight restrictions.  The next time you decide to 
have Stonehenge moved from England to Kentucky, hire FedEx."

I rediscovered the pain in my hand trying to pick up the box.  After enlisting my neighbor's construction crane, we managed to lift the box upon a four wheeled cart, roll it into my kitchen, spend three hours cutting through the twenty-five rolls of tape it was wrapped in, and finally was able to see what was inside.

I'm on my way to a Kentucky Stonehenge!!!!!


I couldn't believe it!  After talking about how much I loved fruitcake in last week's post, one of my most faithful readers, Zoe, took the time and went to the expense not only to make it for me, but to also send it to me.  Damn, postage alone had to be over $100 just because of how heavy it is!  And, good ... oh my god, it is fantastic!  Thank you so much, Zoe!  My taste buds thank you, I thank you, and my diabetes ... well, two out of three isn't bad, is it?  

Okay, so besides my achy hand and Zoe's phenomenal treat, 
this week I'm thankful for:

1)  Presidential Oops!   As I wrote about earlier this week (in a post that almost no one saw) the United States was negligent in sending any leader to the Paris March against terrorism.  It wasn't that the President or Vice President were busy.  In fact, their agendas were empty for the weekend.  No, they just blew it!  Or, perhaps, they just blew it off!

Over forty leaders from world countries participated in an effort to show
Only 50 cents for Freedom Fries!
They're for people who can't spell
unity against the destruction and lack of human compassion terrorism displays.  In the wake of the Paris terrorist actions of last week, it would have shown great class to have been a part of the scene.  However, in constantly lacking any type of class, our government leaders decided to sit at home, rest their asses in easy chairs, and watch football playoffs.

To make matters worse, no apology has been, or will be issued.  In fact, John Kerry is now heading to Paris to give them what he thinks they really need, "a big hug."  

(I think I'd tell him what he could do with that big hug if I were a leader of France.  I also believe that I'd invite him to a state dinner, put a plate of French Fries down in front of him, and ask him how the damn "Freedom Fries" were tasting.  Then, as a climax, take him a covered dish, remove the lid, and display a cooked crow, just in case he was ready to eat some.  Dumb Ass Politicians!)

85 Years Old Sounds Pretty
Damn Good To Me!
2)  Darrell Hugh Winfield Dies at age 85.   Darrell Hugh Winfield, better known as "The Marlboro Man" died this week at the ripe old age of 85.  Darrell was the face of Marlboro cigarettes from the late 60's to the late 80's, making the smoking of filtered cigarettes acceptable to men.

As I sit here, smoking my Marlboro Special Blend Light 100, I can only remember my aunt and uncle, both of which died after giving up cigarettes.  I don't know if active smoking keeps the body producing cancer fighting corpuscles or not, but after seeing those relatives suffer, I'm willing to give it a try and continue to smoke.  Besides, as long as you're coughing, you're alive!

3)  Young Doctors.  I don't know if anyone else has had their long time doctor retire on them or not, but it's not a happy occasion.  A doctor knows you personally, works with you hand in hand to ensure you get better, and provides some small talk to make the experience somewhat more pleasurable.

Take two bottles of formula
and call me in the morning!
I went to my new "young" doctor this week.  Damn, what a wake up call!

First, I go to female doctors.  No, it's not because I'm trying to sway them with my untouchable intelligence or James Bond good looks.  In fact, if that was what I had to depend on I'd be in trouble.  No, I go to female doctors to keep their fingers out of my butt!

I don't know what it is about male doctors, but every time I visited one, they wanted to give me a prostate exam.  I even went to a specialist two weeks after having a prostate exam for a completely unrelated matter, and he damn near forced me into allowing him rear access.  Either I've got and exceptionally cute butt to male doctors, or they're all in cahoots to cash in big by charging the insurance companies for something that should be kept to prison systems and San Francisco residents!

Anyway, my new doctor is a young female ... I think.  Actually, she's more like a damn robot.  Question ... answer ... question ... answer ... no small talk, no bedside manner, no nothing!  She either thinks she's a god of some type being a doctor, or she hates men!  Either way, she won't be getting any more of my business.  If you're going to collect big bucks from me, you'd at least better communicate in a friendly manner and keep your steel bedpan personality to yourself!  Bitch!

If you think our Pizza is loaded,
wait until you check out
our employees pistols!
4)  Papa John's To Stand By Employee.  In a rare move, Papa John's is showing that it is a company with the balls to stand up to all the cry babies and keep an employee employed.

A delivery driver, who was being robbed at gunpoint, pulled out a pistol and shot one of her robbers in the face.  He was later found and arrested.  The other robber stole her car while this was taking place.

Even though she was breaking the rules of the company by carrying a firearm, Papa John's management says they are not going to fire her as the safety of their employees comes first.  In fact, they're going to re-assign her to a position inside their store, instead of doing deliveries.  In addition, they're going to get her counseling to help her deal with the event.

It's nice to see a company stand tall against crooked lawyers and thieves and look at their employees as valuable assets for a change!

In a related story, another Papa John's driver was held up 
this week in St. Louis.  The robber made off in a white truck.  Anyone seeing a person in a white truck resembling 
Al Sharpton is advised to call the authorities.

5)  Pope Francis Says There Are Limits.  Freedom of speech has been the question after the attack at the French magazine offices last week.  Can you make fun of the God of others and not expect them to be upset?
Listen to me, I make sense!

"There are limits" says the Pope.  

To make a long story short, if you disrespect someone or something, expect those that worship it to be upset.  Now, common sense should tell you that it is never right to kill in the name of religion.  Still, use that common sense to show a little respect.

(Damn, here is a Pope, a man of God, telling people to use a little common sense.  I think he and God need to get a little more into this discussion.  In fact, I'd love to be there when God tells the Pope that in today's world, there is little to no common sense in society's actions.  Actually, a display of common sense happens about as often as someone wins the Powerball Lottery and keeps their job.  Hey, God, gotta second?")

6)  RadioShack or just Shack?   RadioShack, once an electronics giant, is getting ready to file for bankruptcy.  Competition from online marketers and major electronics warehouses has proven to be just too much for the struggling retailer.  

When we're gone, who will you have
to joke about, besides politicians,
Miley Cyrus' boobs, and
Justa Beaver?
I worked at a RadioShack for over a year while in college.  You didn't make much money there as it was more geared for managers to survive.  Still, you got to work with the latest electronics, act like a stereo expert when parents and the elderly came in to purchase an all in one unit, and you had a future in being able to get the flashing "12" off of any digital screen without sweating.  

No, I wasn't the one in the short sleeve shirt with plastic pocket protector and tie.  I wore my torn jeans, blue jean vest, and modestly decorated shirt most of the time.  My hair was on my shoulders, my mustache and goatee were showing hope of someday reaching puberty, and I was voted the one most likely to be able to find some pot for after work parties.  Life was grand.

I hate to see RadioShack go.  It holds a lot of foggy memories for me.  Still, without it, how would I have ever developed my philosophy that pot will get you through times of no money better than money would get you through times of no pot?

7)  Keith Richards Unimpressed With Justa Beaver (Oops, Justin Bieber).  71 year old Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones saw Justin Bieber during an island vacation recently.  After a few quips with each other, Justin went over to Keith and tried to communicate.  Richards looked at Beaver (Oops, Bieber) and said, "Let's get one thing straight. You're just a wannabe."

(My respect for Keith Richards has just grown tremendously.
  Obviously, all the drug usage over the years hasn't had nearly 
the affect on his brain cells as previously thought!)

8)  Cardale Jones To Return To School.  Unlike so many dumb kids these days, Cardale Jones will be returning to Ohio State next year.  Cardale, Quarterback of the National Champion Ohio State Buckeyes, won the Big Ten Title, a NCAA Playoff Game against highly ranked Alabama, and finally, won the National Championship against Oregon in his only three starts of the season.

"Finally, a kid with some common sense! How rare is that?"

Too many athletes are going to college for one year and then turning to the professional ranks these days.  Too many coaches are using ballplayers to advance their own careers, and not looking at the maturity level of the kids they promise parents they'll keep their best interests in mind.  The kids end up not being ready for the professional ranks, failing to make squads, and being cast aside like a used and dirty napkin.

Many claim the "one and done" is now a way of life.  One major university I've very familiar with has practiced this for years in their basketball program.  The coach states, "I make millionaires."  Truth is, he's a millionaire and many of the kids he's coached are now out of the pros and having to figure out how to survive.

Survive?  After a huge signing bonus?  Give an 18 or 19 year old kid a huge amount of money and watch them squander it away.  Gold chains, big cars, homes they can't afford to pay for, and partying will make a rich man poor before you know it.  And that's just what's happening to the kids.  

In fact, out of all the players this coach has sent to the pros, only six are still actively playing today.  But, the coach still has his multi million dollar contract, multi million dollar house, and multi million dollar bank account.

How many millionaires, coach?  

At least this one had more sense than the ones you've recruited.

9)  Less Tax Audits Forecast.  With Obamacare questions mounting up for taxpayers, the I.R.S. will have 1,800 less representatives available to answer questions.  Congressional budget cuts made having representatives available for answering questions a thing of the pass, as it is also forecast that less that 50% of those that call will ever reach a human being.

However, this also means there will be fewer people audited in the upcoming year.  It is estimated that less than 1% of the public will go through audits.

"Having an audit is like going to a proctologist.  The more they find the deeper they search and the more it hurts!" 
(That's my line, copyrighted, just in case you want to steal it.)

So, this year, act like the leaders of this great nation.  Lie like hell on your tax returns, plead ignorance and budget cuts created any confusion, and go buy yourself a new home!

10)  40 Year Secret.  In the back of a Los Angeles residence, a 40 year secret came to an end.  An eight foot alligator was found living there.  Unfortunately, in the box with the alligator, were the remains of two dead cats.  Investigators are asking members of the neighborhood that have lost pets over the past 40 years to step forward.

Seriously, is this really national news?  Exotics are kept in various places throughout the United States.  Keepers recognize what they have, and either keep it safe and secure, or end up as its meal.  It's really quite that simple.

I kept venomous reptiles for many years.  I bought professional cages, had procedures typed out in case I was bitten and couldn't speak, and kept them under lock and key.  When the state made it illegal to keep them (due to their own liability concerns) several things occurred.

1)  People that had them didn't always get rid of them.  Many had grown to love their pets, much as a dog or cat lover would.  This made a person that had a pet and cared for that animal responsibly a criminal.  There are far worse criminal to pursue than an animal lover.

2)  Anyone that did experience an escape would no longer notify the community for fear of imprisonment.  Previously, one would notify all to make sure safety came first.  After the law went into affect, no one would be notified, and the community (the state had stated they were protecting) became less protected than ever before.

3)  Big business won ... again!  Many of the individuals keeping these animals had facilities that were more secure than various zoological societies require.  Yet, the societies looked at them as competition.  Why would anyone pay to see animals at a big zoo where they can be mistreated behind closed gates, when they could see animals that were loved as a small zoo?  Even small zoos that had just become approved by these societies said, "Hell, even though that's how I got my start, let's keep others from being able to do the same!"  Big business again rules and the little guy loses.

4)  Horror stories hit the air.  Animal Planet and other stations started carrying shows that were produced by these societies like Fatal Attraction.  These shows were to only display the negatives of animal keeping, tainting the air for the survival of smaller facilities.  And, like the web, everything you see on television is always true.

(In a world that preaches personal freedoms, more and more restrictions are being imposed everyday by our governments.  Unless we stop this soon, you'll be told what to say, when to say it, and how to live your life by these rules.  I'll be dead by then, but many will not.  I hope you love the world society is now creating.  Remember, one day, it will be too late to learn from your mistakes.  That is, unless you're dead like I'll be, and then, it really doesn't matter much!)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

So, another week of thankful has bit the dust.

Two things, remember, our book will soon be coming out,
so save your pennies.

Another is there will be a thousand cries of compassion in 
late February.  This could be a good thing, and even though 
I'm far from what one might consider compassionate, I'm 
going to participate.  I know Lizzi has all the details, so 
get with her and visit the Facebook page to learn all about it!

Till next week,