That should explain why
I'm not going.
Plus, I still don't know if guys can go to BlogHer
Is there such a thing as BlogHim?
Blog is complete.
Time for a nap.
What, you want ten reasons? You've got to be kidding! Okay, well let's get this over with and give the real Ten reasons that I'm not attending this highlight event of the blogging world.
|Support my tons and warm my buns,|
you'll always be my tail's delight!
2) I wanted to save my wife embarrassment. If I would have attended, my wife would have accompanied me (as supervisor of the ankle bracelet the authorities attached during the early 70's and never removed). My wife knows nothing about computers. She can't even get online by herself. She would have suffered unbound embarrassment listening to speaker after speaker give discussions on subjects she couldn't understand. Loving her as I do, I couldn't subject her to that kind of experience so late in her life. "Damn It! What do you mean you forgot to bring me my Diet Coke?"
|Just remember, you neutered me first! |
I can always return the favor!
So, instead of taking a chance, they both approached me last week and made me a promise. "No matter what you would gain by going, it won't compare to what you'd lose if you don't stay home." As they've been sharpening their claws and staring at my crotch daily, I've followed their lead and recognized the importance of keeping a family together. Besides, the real jewels are always kept at home, right?
4) My guns need cleaning. Who knows when the country will break out in a civil war, or wild gangs will run wild in the streets. A person has got to be able to be prepared for the extremes. So, every now and then I have to take out all my guns and give them a thorough cleaning, just in case the drones and helicopters start flying overhead, again. Besides, the medicinal crops in the hydroponic grow units in the basement are almost ready to harvest. A man's gotta protect his investments!
|Hope you're not eating right now! |
No, they're not mine ... but close!
5) I have to cut my toenails. Occasionally, it comes down to either purchasing new socks or cutting toenails. Having gone a little too long between cuttings, the purchasing of new socks has depleted the funds that were being earmarked for air fare, hotel, and food expenses. So, I've sharpened the axes, fine tuned the steel files, and rented a jackhammer to attack the masses of toe jam and protein that have built up over the past decade. It's a rough job, but someone's got to do it.
6) My wife wants me home to protect her from her own emotions during America's Got Talent. Howie, Howard, Heidi & Mel are just too much for her to handle by herself as they crush the dreams of contestants vying for the coveted spot of Finalist. Her tears, smiles, tension filled moments, and relief during the voting moments will have to be supervised by me to protect the neighbors from harm. (Especially with the clean guns now fully ready for action in the house.)
|Nothin' like enjoying the wide open spaces!!!|
8) I have a driving need to watch Titanic for the 30th time. There's something about seeing a long ship plug deeply and sink straight into a big ocean, right after watching a nude scene with a beautiful woman wearing a solitary jewel, that's kind of sensual. Now that it's on my mind, I feel a stirring in my soul, as well as my underwear. "Got the outhouse clean yet, honey?"
9) I have too many blogs to write! It's a shame when you can't do something because you're busy doing the same thing that you could be learning about. But, isn't learning doing? If you're not doing, then why worry about learning? But, if you're not learning, could your doing be wrong? How could doing be wrong if you're learning by doing? (God, I'm getting dizzy) I don't because I did, but I don't because I do! (Scary ...that almost makes sense even to me, lol.)
10) And, the final reason I'm not going this week is that my belly button needs vacuuming. There's nothing like a Hoover roaring in the evening as the hose attaches itself to your belly button and draws out the masses of lint that have accumulated over the decades. You stand there, enjoying the light of day, engrossed in the ecstasy, feeling the vibration of the Hoover suck free the globs of oil soaked threads from your stomach crater. And, when you're done, it is truly amazing how many others do the same as soon as they, too, finish washing their cars!
So, if I could go to BlogHer, these would be the reasons that I couldn't go. And, if BlogHer is strictly for the female gender, then none of these reasons would matter unless I had a sex change operation. This could also limit my available funding, so I probably wouldn't be able to attend anyway. Then, I'd be a male in a female body.
Hmmmm, sounds like a winning blog to me!!!
I could entitle it, "A Man In She!"
No, that sounds too much like porn.
Okay, how about, "Rich is Inside"?
No, still porn sounding.
I know, "That's Life ... Sometimes!!!"
(Rich, you shameless self promoting fool! You're a genius!)