Friday, February 21, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Fantasy, Miley Cyrus, The Pentagon and Donuts

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Have you ever just wanted to be creative?


I don't mean the typical "humorous / sarcastic" stuff that will follow here soon, but something really creative?

Say that you're driving down a street.  A street that you know well as you travel it everyday.  Suddenly, the donut shop you've stopped at a million times is no longer there.  (Neither are the twenty police cars you normally see!)  Instead, you're observing a Western scene.  One, in which, includes a couple of really rugged looking characters in 1870’s cowboy garb are giving you strange looks as you drive by.  You hear shots and notice the dust spots rising around you.  Time to get out of town!  


The further you drive, the wilder the landscape gets. In your mind, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My" repeats over and over.  You begin to hear more gunshots and immediately find yourself witnessing a historic battle.  The noble red man is putting one over on this long haired blonde guy (with pie on his face) and his troops at the top of a grassy hill.  An arrow crashes through one of the windows of your SUV (piercing your hazard light button) and you give it the gas to head out of danger, honking the horn and scaring horses and feathered riders alike.  You giggle as you see both defecating all over themselves!

Cresting the hill, you're suddenly finding yourself on a freeway filled with vehicles from the 1960's.  You're thinking, "Hey, this is pretty cool!  There must be an antique car show going on somewhere close."  That is, those are your thoughts until you see a billboard promoting Lady Bird Johnson's "Don't be a Litterbug" campaign.  

You stop to pick up a couple of kids dressed like hippies.  They start talking about a new band they just saw in California called the Grateful Dead.  New band?  Hell, didn't Jerry Garcia die a couple of years ago?  A cigarette lighter clicks in the backseat and suddenly the SUV is filled with the aroma of burning grass ... the illegal type (unless you're in Colorado or Washington).  You think, "Hell, it's been years ... why not?"

It's about that time you see flashing lights following you down the highway.  You turn to tell the hitchhikers to put out the joint and find no one there.  Even the smell is only a memory.  Somewhat confused, you pull over to the side of the road.

The lights, once in your rearview mirror, are now overhead.  You're completely engulfed in an ocean of colors rotating around you.  That's when you find yourself wishing you'd had more time to inhale more of the joint your hitchhikers had lit.  

The SUV is rising!  There is no shaking going on, only the steady hum of electric gyro engines above lifting you higher and higher into the air.  You open your window and look down to see the highway start to resemble a strand of spaghetti with tiny ants crawling upon it.  However, you're not afraid.  Even though heights have always caused you to cringe in dread, you're full of excitement an the desire to experience even more.

Shifting you attention above you, you see the bottom of an alien spaceship slowly opening.  "OMG, I'm not into anal probes" runs through your mind.  You see an alien looking at another and vehemently saying, "Damn it, can't you pick you the ones that enjoy probing?"  

"I can't help it if you always go to Kansas to pick up specimens" the other replies.

Suddenly, your direction is shifted downward.  Faster and faster you drop.  The Earth is getting larger and larger much too quickly.  You check your seatbelt to make sure it's tight, and then realize your butt is going to be the recipient of the major part of the impact!  Sadly, there's no airbag for that!  Luckily, you're a McDonald's freak and have built up sufficient padding for any type of landing!

You crash atop a shipping container aboard a ship in the Atlantic and burst through the roof.  Things go black for a moment as the walls against the sides of your SUV keep the sun from entering.  Almost immediately, the container door opens and you find yourself driving out into a shipping yard.  Longshoremen are screaming obscenities (You think they could scream anything else?) as you drive away, yelling something about needing your passport.  

You burst through the yard's gates with your SUV and begin to hear police sirens in the distance.  You take a right and find a donut shop that you've stopped at a million times, and all twenty police cars are there and accounted for.  So, you stop and get a dozen of glazed to take home.  

Finally, you pull into your garage, park your SUV, and pet your dog. At that point, you decide to carry the donuts inside the house before they get cold.

In the background, your dog mutters, "So, you don't like anal probes?"

No matter, you're thankful.  Thankful for having experienced the fantasy and for just being home.  So thankful, you sit down, boot up your computer, and begin a blog hop.  The hop is called, "Ten Things of Thankful."  And, it catches on quickly.  

Almost overnight, you're a superstar named Lizzi!  People come from near and far just to hear your accent.  They bring you fish 'n chips by the millions.  Not being selfish, you share them with all the hungry people of the world.  Now, you're a hero!  Not just a hero in your own country, but of the entire world.

Governments get together and elect you to rule the Earth.  You choose the beaches of Nassau as your government's headquarters.  Things go well until a hurricane comes and devastates the island.  Later, you find things aren't quite the same as people refuse to give back what you've given them.  Throwing your hands up, you settle on just keeping the blog hop going and praying that one day you'll once again be the ruler of the world.


And then, you wake up!

This week, I'm thankful for:


"Tickets for the Bangerz tour ... oops, wrong pic ...
Police were temporarily subdued by individuals
spraying them with deodorant ... an unknown
chemical to most of them!"
1)  Protesters in Kiev.   Having been restrained and being exceptionally tired of having more and more rights taken away from them, protesters in Kiev spoke loudly against the government of the Ukraine by standing up against police actions against them.  They have had water cannons used against them, various forms of gas and rubber bullets shot at them, and now, they're even standing up to the government's latest actions of using live sniper fire to eliminate them.  Their actions have our government backing them, not realizing that, one day soon, their protests may be educational films for Americans that are tired of individual freedoms and outrageous taxation for ridiculous pet projects, and wish to do the same type of protesting here on native soil!  ("It's only just begun" as the Carpenters would've sang!)


WHO???
2)  Sbarro.  This restaurant chain is closing 155 of its locations.  As pizza is no longer the food of choice for teenagers, and mall hopping is no longer the local hangout for the "In" crowd, Sbarro has been suffering economic depression.  To most of us, this only brings one thought, "What the hell is Sbarro?"

3)  Captain Phillips.  The movie "Captain Phillips" (which starred Tom Hanks) is reaching hard to have a sequel.  Two Americans have just been found dead on the captain's ship, the Maersk Alabama.  The ship is still sailing the seas of Eastern Africa, as it did in the movie, and is in constant danger from pirates, as are most vessels in this area.  Hollywood is considering making a sequel called "Captain Phillips II", with Johnny Depp bringing back his role as Captain Jack Sparrow as the new man in charge.  (Aye, matey!)

4)  Powerball.  The 425 million dollar winning ticket was sold in Milpitas, California this week.  Milpitas is a small town just north of San Jose.  The winner will have the option of taking the cash payout of 242.2 million dollars.  The state of California is please that the winner is from there, and is awaiting the millions of dollars it will receive in taxes to pay for the new "Miley and Justin Go Home" billboards they've ordered.  


"Don't you like my cowgirl boots and bare butt ...
well, dontcha???"
5)  Miley Cyrus.  "Good morning, boys and girls.  Miley is not a child.  Miley's show is not for children.  Miley does many bad things during her show.  Things your parents did, and some still do, in their bedroom.  You shouldn't learn about these things from Miley.  You should learn about them like every other school kid learns about them ... by reading all the stuff written on the walls of the bathroom stalls.  That way, you'll know right from wrong!"

Yeah, Miley's at it again and thousands of parents that still envision Miley as Hannah Montana are upset.  Seems they dropped off their youngsters at her "Bangerz" concerts so the parents could have some privacy to screw around, and found their kids were learning about such things at the show.  (Will people ever use their common sense and stop being dumbasses?  The damn name of the concert should have been a warning ... geeeesh!!!!  Did you think it was like using hammers on Lego pieces or what?)  


And I'll take some Fried Rice with that!
6)  The Pentagon.  "Made in China?"   Yep, the United States purchases over $3.3 million dollars of American Flags each year ... from China!  That's right, our own flag is imported and sold to the United States Government, flown over capitols, state houses, courthouses, and even the Pentagon with a little tag on them that read, "Made In China."  Nothing like supporting your own country's manufacturers, is there?  

The Pentagon is now saying, "NO MORE."  Although trade agreements may allow the government to do this, the military is not accepting to fly any flag unless it's made in the United States.  (Isn't is strange that a military that fights for its country and supports the people and manufacturer's of its country are so forgotten by its country?)

7)  Wal-Mart Profits.   Wal-Mart reported a 21% drop in profits over the fourth quarter of 2013.  They blame it on food stamps expiration, stiff competition, and a payroll tax hike.  In addition, profits seem to be down in 2014 due to the same already mentioned, as well as bad weather.  (Welcome to the real world you money hungry bastards!)

8)  U.S. bombs own base.  A video has been released showing the United States accidentally dropped a 500 lb. bomb, meant for the Taliban, close to its own base.  The U.S. Air Force is calling the incident a "major mistake."  (No sh*t!!!  Turn off the Miley Cyrus concert videos and get the damn coordinates right next time!)


"And I'll Huff, And I'll Puff, And I'll Blow Your  ...
Wait A Minute ... Miley's using that line in her
Bangerz concert tour!"
9)  Luge.  Luge is considered to be the most dangerous sport at the Olympics.  Traveling at speeds around 90 mph atop a small sled with nothing around you is definitely a rush.  

However, walking the halls to go to the bathroom in Sochi just became the second most dangerous activity.  Seems the wolves, real wolves, tend to roam the hallways at night.  In a related story, this years group of athletes have taken up a new night time pass time.  It's called "Let's take a piss out the window!"

10)  The Olympics.  Hey, they're just about over!  Not as enjoyable this year as in year's past due to the lousy coverage provided by NBC that never let you know who the competitors were (since a name and country tag on the screen would have been too much work).  Now, we can get back to the really important viewing like The Voice, The Blacklist, and re-runs of Duck Dynasty.  (Lord help us all, please!)



*     *     *     *     *
So, that's it for another week.  Ten Things of Thankful has come to a close.  Time to get into the SUV and go back for more donuts!


Anal probe, anyone?


Ciao!




Monday, February 17, 2014

Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday: Respect the Soul and the Person

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In the middle of a conversation with a young man a couple of days ago, he found it necessary to express to me how members of the black race never got any respect until they started the RAP movement.

"You might already have guessed that he was in his very early 20's, and very naive."

Not wanting it to turn into a race vs. race conversation, nor to sound like an old fart by telling him how I had marched against the KKK and for Civil Rights in Indiana back in the 60's and 70's, I decided to ask him a more direct question.

"What is respect?"

He proceeded to tell me that having money got you respect.  Being able to afford to buy big cars, fancy jewelry, take out models, and do whatever you wanted because you could buy your way out of it gained you respect.

So, I asked him if he respected Justin Bieber.

Of course, he didn't respect him was his general response (in language I'd prefer to use here).  Justin was what he called a rich "wigger", or a white that pretended he was black.  That didn't gain him any respect.  In fact, it made him a sorrier "cracker" than most, because the folks he "hangs" with only let him stick with them because he pays for everything.  He was a sucker that was being used by the "players."

Not the actual language I'd use, but my feelings exactly!

The conversation ended quickly as we got busy at work.  Still, it had started over a conversation about Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' statement, "My sadness is that we are probably today more race and difference conscious than I was in the 1960's when I went to school"  

I began to wonder, "What type of person really looks at the color of another's skin in determining if they're a person of quality or not?"  That, of course, led to, "Is the constant usage of race as an issue in the courts and justice arenas being used as an excuse, and if so, what would it take to end it being a reason for anything?"

I have no answers.  Nor, do I expect any miracle revelations to shower me from above and enlighten the human race.  That's why we were given common sense!  Unfortunately, there are many in our world that have forgotten that's something they have, as they fail to ever call on it for a solution to a problem.

Most of the people I deal with are not racists.  I'm not comfortable with them, don't appreciate their viewpoints, and look at them as extremely narrow minded.  But, they are not something new in the world.  As I marched, decades ago, the narrow minded lined the streets, yelling obscenities and throwing an occasional bottle or rock.  They couldn't understand why I would march.  They looked at me as a traitor to my race.  They couldn't understand then, nor can they now.  

They couldn't hear the music!

See, the music was what proved we were all equal.  Say what you will about the words of the leaders of the cause.  The music was what pulled us all together.  And, it wasn't protest music for the most part.  No, it was music of love and life and heartbreak and hope.  It was the sound of a human being (regardless of their color) having the same hopes and feelings and emotions as any other color human being would have.  

Respect?  Respect was in the love of the music and those that performed it.  The beat, the words, the flavor ... it got you movin'!  And, one of the best to get you movin' was Archie Bell & The Drells with their song, "Tighten Up."
My feet are still movin'!  Aren't yours?  

The music was called all sorts of things, Rhythm & Blues, Dance, Ghetto, Motown, and most of all, the one that fit it best, Soul.  And, who better to bring the Soul sound to life than the Queen of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin?
Tell me you can't respect her deep rooted soul sound and powerful voice and I'll tell you to get a hearing aid and a new life!  

Before his days of bearded face and stocking caps, there was a young man demonstrating that he could put forth the sounds of life as well as Aretha could.  Be it a solo affair, or a duet with one of many, Marvin Gaye listened to the sounds of the night, and brought forth the sounds of the mind.  Here's Marvin Gaye and "I Heard It Through The Grapevine."
Creedence Clearwater Revival and Gladys Knight and the Pips were two other groups to later perform Marvin's hit song.  However, neither of them had the success he did with it.  Why?  Well, he'd earned the respect of the masses with his performances of it.  Just like Al Green did with "Let's Stay Together."
One you may not have heard of is our next entry, Gil Scott-Heron, who just died last year.  Gil was called by some the black man's Bob Dylan.  His theme, one that many of the majority race had a hard time dealing with, was to stand up and not be cattle.  Don't take what you're given and be satisfied.  Get out there and get all you can by earning it.  I'm sure if Gil were still around today, he'd probably be against using anything as an excuse.  Excuses for failure are for losers.  Reasons for success are for winners.  Here's Gil Scott-Heron with "Ain't No Such Thing As Superman"
And, yes, there were one hit wonders that earned respect, too.  Why?  Because they gave it their all and produced something so viable, so intimate, so giving of themselves, you could only return the favor by loving what they did.  Just like this one.  This is Barbara Mason with "Yes, I'm Ready"
Then, there were the anthems of the day.  Otis Redding's "(Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay" was a classic beyond classics.  His music stretched the imagination as he drew from deep within on every note to pull you into his story telling.  Here's a song, later done by Three Dog Night and numerous others, that still holds that power to even this day.  It's Otis Redding and "Try A Little Tenderness."
And, who could forget this anthem of love?  It's the classic lovesong from Percy Sledge,  "When A Man Loves A Woman."
Even Al Wilson had his own chart blaster in 1973 with "Show And Tell."
If you're looking for a song that goes for the grit and reaches down in the soul for a plea of hopelessness, there is no better offering than Bill Withers  "Ain't No Sunshine."
No, some of these folks never had millions of dollars to waste away on bling and drugs.  They really didn't need to.  They had their music.  Oh, drugs will always be a part of the entertainment industry.  Some will enjoy them, some will allow them to rule their lives, and some will die from them.  Yet, isn't it that way with society in general?

Every artist I've presented deserved the respect of the generation they catered to, and all the generations that followed.  They blazed trails, sacrificed dearly, and fought battles that many today have no idea ever existed.  They were human beings of the nth degree, bringing beauty to the world in their music and words.  Human beings that knew beauty didn't lie in the diamonds in the teeth, but in the words they sang and the meanings they presented.  If you can't respect the above artists for what they did and the music they created, then maybe it's time to take a look at yourself.  Perhaps, instead of being as deep as you believe you are, you might just be a little shallow.  

If you'd listen to the words of those who fought the battles, you might find that respect is always earned, not given because of the size of one's wallet.  

Besides, don't we all use either credit or debit cards anyway?

How thick does your wallet need to be?


Ciao!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful: Valentine's Day Edition!


Happy Valentine's Day!



(Yes, I'm writing this on Friday.)

If your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever didn't wish you Happy Valentine's Day, you have now had it wished to you!


(Now what are you gonna do for me?)

I didn't get my wife anything today.  No, not even a card.  No matter how hard I tried to make myself do it, I just couldn't make myself stop at a department store and face all the heart shaped boxes of candy, the loving stuffed animals with hearts attached to their bodies in some sort of sadistic act by a heart madman, or inspect the empty racks where the cards used to be trying to find one that would fit the way I feel about her.

I really don't care if you call me an ass or not.  Nope, it doesn't hurt my feelings at all.  And, you're probably thinking, "I'm happy as hell he's not my husband.  I'd have to teach him a thing or two!"

Well, guess what? 

You'd have to eat your words.  

See, my wife and I were both off Wednesday of this week.  Knowing that we'd both be working late Friday night, we decided to celebrate the day a couple of days early.

Oh, and here's a picture of my wife ... in her Valentine's Day gift ... a 2014 new car!


Yeah, this is the bitch in her new ride.
Don't look at me, she wanted red!!
(Really eating your words now, 
aren't you?)

In thirty-three years of marriage, my wife has never had a new car.  She's had rust buckets, rattle traps, and for the last 17 years, she's driven a 1996 Camry.  Oh, it still runs ... most of the time ... although it is slowly falling apart.  And, believe me, I will never say she's never complained about it.  In fact, there have been so many times I've heard her bitch I think I may have kept her in it just to get even.   


(Yeah, I can be a real bastard
 if I want to be!)

Now, recently, I've had the worst three months in a row in business that I've ever had in my life.  Bills were getting a little behind, and I was wondering how in the hell I was going to make a payment on my truck.  (Just in case you haven't been with me as long as some others, I've had a long paying affair with my Honda Ridgeline.)  I only had four payments left on it, and the last thing I wanted to do was to have it repossessed right now.  

So, I put on my thinking cap and came up with a plan.  I knew I could get a great price on a new car.  (I have major connections.)  Also, I knew there was a lot of rebate money available at current time.  And, I'm well aware that if your credit is any good at all, the banks will finance up to 120% of the vehicle's MSRP at a low interest rate.  Thus, a plan was born!

Since I'd planned on getting my wife a new car when my truck was paid off, why not finance the bargain price on the car, PLUS enough to pay off my truck and get all my bills caught up?  

  1. I just made an online payment to Honda for $1865 to pay off my truck.
  2. My wife has her new car.  (And, my payments are $20 a month less than they were on my truck and are calculated at only a 1.9% interest rate!)
  3. Tomorrow, I will catch up all bills that are behind or coming up due.
And, my wife is happy!


When the crack hides the underwear,
it's time to eat salads ... for life!!!
(Oh, and I did take her out to lunch on Wednesday, too!)  It was a decent meal, until a couple of hillbillies came in.  The lady, somewhat overweight, was kind enough to let me see what type of thong she had on!

Enticing, isn't it?  


(There are times in life that stifling a gag reflex becomes extremely difficult.  This was one of those times!)

Talk about motivation to get the hell out of there and not over eat!

So, if that hasn't turned your stomach the way it did mine, let me say that it is time ... time to get ten more inches of cloth to cover her up ... time to be thankful there was at least something still covered up ... time to be ten times thankful that we were almost done prior to their arrival.


Oh, yeah ... it's time for Ten Things Of Thankful!!!

For we chose to be thankful, and thankful we shall be.  Shall it be through wonder or delight, loved one or thee?  Who cares as thankful is us and us is we.  We appreciate and don't hesitate as thankful doesn't calculate or even speculate.  Queen Lizzi rules the nest, the nest of thankful for all to see.  So, for Lizzi we list thankful, and thankful for even thee!

I'm thankful for:

1)  ... Toyota recalls!  Isn't it fun watching Toyota recalls?  The fourth rated manufacturer by the 2013 Consumer Reports Buying Issue is once again under the gun.  Seems 1.9 million Prius automobiles could stall out due to a software glitch.  Luckily, there have been no deaths due to the stall outs, yet.  However, if one of these Eco-Egomobiles stalls out in front of me, there may be one forthcoming.  What's weird about this is that Toyota still maintains such a high regard in most people's minds, even though since 2009 they've had more than 14 million vehicles recalled for one reason or another.  (No, my wife's new car isn't a Toyota.  I'd prefer not to spend most of my time in a Service Department waiting on a recall to be completed!  Remember, I've got a Toyota Camry factory less than 15 miles away.  I know what kind of people put those suckers together!)


"Are you going to believe me, or
some idiot newscaster that
wasn't even born then?"
2)  ... Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.  This week, the judge made comments stating that, "My sadness is that we are probably today more race and difference conscious than I was in the 1960's when I went to school."  (Of course, you recognize this as I've described it so many times in the past as part of our Politically Correct attitude in the states in which everything offends someone.)  Immediately, two journalists from the Huffington Post started knocking the judge's comments by telling the audience about how life really was in the 1960's.  Of course, one of these individuals was born in 1978, so he proved himself to know absolutely nothing about the time period and was immediately entered into my Dumbass Hall of Fame, and the other was born in 1960, which meant he wasn't old enough to really know what was happening back then either.  I guess this means one can Huff, and Huff, and Huff away, but they still can't blow the judge's house down!  (Damn dumbasses!)

3)  ... Michelle Obama.  This week, at a state dinner, Michelle wore a dress designed by a Venezuelan designer know for his intricacies and expensive dinner dresses.  It's nice to know while many Americans huddle next to Dollar Store candles trying to keep warm during this extreme Winter, the White House feels that spending an outrageous sum of money on a dress that will be used only once is cost effective and necessary.   (Right!  And please tell me they're only going to eat at White Castle for the next two weeks to cut back on expenses!  "May the porcelain poppers ricochet and leave a welt on your ass!)

4)  ... Winter storms that pummel the East Coast.  “It’s F**king Winter People!!!!!   If you don’t live in the extreme South, you’re gonna have snow and ice!   I give you six months and you’ll be b*tching about the F**king Summer heat!!!!  Don‘t like it?   Move your ass somewhere else!!!!”   (God, I feel better now!)

5)  ... 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  This year’s edition features three models on the cover.

I’m speechless.  There are times all you need to be thankful is a picture.  
Words can’t express ...


“Oh hush, damn it!  I bought you a car!”

6)  ... Jay-Z and Beyonce.  It has been reported that Jay-Z spent $2.300 on a bracelet for Beyonce for Valentine’s Day.  (Boy, won’t she be surprised now that it’s been on the national news for a couple of days?)  


7)  ... the Beatles Tribute.  Katy Perry butchered “Yesterday”, Imagine Dragons ruined “Revolution”, Alicia Keys found that she couldn’t do vocal exercises during “Let It Be”, and Ringo still can’t sing.  At least Ringo tried to mention John and George in retrospect as Paul seemed to want to hog the spotlight and take all the credit for the band’s success.  All in all, I’m glad I DVR’d it.  At least I could fast forward through the commercials.  

8)  ... Kansas politicians.  Kansas is trying to get a bill passed that allows individuals to deny services to gay couples if it conflicts with their religious beliefs.  Of course, the gay rights activists are going crazy over this one.  For some reason, I’m beginning to feel the same way about this as I do the cold weather.  “It’s F**king Kansas, people!!!!  It’s the land of cornfields, barbeque, and Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz!!!  It’s not New York or San Francisco!!!!  It’s Kansas!!!!   Rednecks and cowboys and more rednecks!!!!   They don’t care if you’re offended ... in fact, they’re trying to offend you to get you to leave!!!!   Move if you don’t like it!!!!”  

Seriously, I could care less what your preferences are.  I just know that if I’m living in a state that signs a law against my lifestyle, I’m probably not rich enough to get them to change the law just for me.  Either put the steaks on the grill and learn to guzzle a Budweiser while scratching your butt, or you may end up getting roped and branded.

9)  ... Corvette Museum Sinkhole.  A giant sinkhole opened up North of Bowling Green, Kentucky this week directly under the National Corvette Museum.  Car after car found the earth give way underneath as they began their descent into the Neatherworlds below the Earth’s surface.  Corvette owners mourned as many of the vehicles lost were “one of a kind” vehicles.  (In a related note, Ford Mustang collectors and owners celebrated this week, as a giant sinkhole opened up under the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky.  In fact, most of the S.O.B.’s are still partying!)

10)  ... all the beautiful women of the world.  Whether you be married or single, or any derivative of combination, I simply an thankful that you all are around.  (The last thing I want to be is in a world with nothing but men.)  Seriously, may Valentine’s Day be a great one for each and every one of you.  At ten o’clock tonight, I’m going to have a small glass of wine.  With this wine, I’m going to toast all of you in a small gesture of my thankfulness that there is someone on this planet worth looking at (unless you have an ass crack like the lady in the restaurant I mentioned above, lol) and talking to.  Anyway, I will toast your internal and external beauty, your charm and grace, and your determination to demonstrate how superior you are over men ... especially those that forgot today was Valentine’s Day!  May your night be golden, your dreams be loving, and your life be filled with happiness.  I wish the best for every one of you!


“Oh, honey, hey, how about ironing some pants for me tonight? 
 After all, I did get you a car!”


God, I’m gonna use this one for years!!!


Ciao!!!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Twisted Mix-Tape Tuesday: The Power Of Love

Visit ALL the GREAT BLOGS in this week's hop HERE!!!
This week's Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday revolves around the topic of "Love."  Novels have been written about it, wars have been fought over it, and hearts have been broken over it.  Still, it's one of man's greatest emotions.  

Sunday was also the 50th anniversary of the Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.  I remember it clearly.  I also remember my frustration at not being able to hear their music because of all the girls screaming in the audience.

I think they all believed themselves to be in love with one of the Fab Four, if not more.
(Kind of kinky for back then, but C'est le Vie!)

Perhaps, one of the greatest groups to ever sing about love were the Beatles.  I'm going to combine both in this week's post to see if Love really is the answer!

LOVE...

There are good days, and there are bad days.  When you're in love, everyday can be wonderful.  That is until that other person in your life decides love isn't quite what they're experiencing ... at least not with you.  No matter what you try to do to save the relationship, the other person has to make an effort, too.  When that doesn't happen, hearts break, depression becomes a constant companion, and your world stops rotating.
As a young man, you try to shake it off.  Oh, you still ache deep inside as your stomach rips apart every second of the day and your heart feels as though all the beating has stopped.  But, because you're a "guy", you have to do as expected and "man up" to the situation.  So, you get dressed, join some of your friends, and hit the club scene.

Upon a rare second, when you're not looking at all the other couples and remembering how soft her kisses were, you start to notice there are other ladies around.  No, you're not just looking for a replacement.  In fact, why would anyone want to replace what just destroyed their life?  No, you want something better ... something that will forever be loyal to you ... someone you can share all the rest of your years with and love doing it every second.  Of course, good looks don't hurt!

And then, without ever expecting it, you see her standing there!
She's not only great looking, she's smart!  You know this as she sends away one drunk dude after another without even giving them a second glance.  She's not just looking for a "one nighter" as many do.  She's looking for someone to mesh with her ideas, wants, and dreams of the future.  

You stand there, careful not to be caught staring at her, but refusing to go over to her for fear of being rejected.  Still, you cannot take your eyes off of her.  The one you loved has left your mind and this new face is now filling in envisioned scenes of spending time together doing the things you both love to do.  Inside, you know you don't want to blow it, yet, you know you've got to talk to her.  As you draw closer to her, you scramble for something to say, something that won't make you sound like all she's sent away.  Hell, why not just be blunt?  What have you got to lose?
Well, you have her attention.  She hasn't had someone be so strong in their words before.  No slick phrases that make you sound cool.  No, just blunt force honesty.  Curious to learn more, she allows you to sit beside her.  Back and forth you and her converse, laughing and learning, living and liking, and listening intently to what each say.

You don't want to move too fast. Tis better to be the gentleman. But, you don't want to go through the entire evening without finding out if the electricity is there.  Instead of just grabbing, you look at her eyes, then down at her hand on the table, and ask if she would mind if you held her hand.

She's somewhat shocked as guys don't usually ask.  Normally, she's having to dump a drink in their lap by this time.  She wonders, "Could this guy be different than the rest or is he just a little more slick in making his moves?"  Still, her curiosity grows.  She initiates the act by sliding her fingers over yours.
Sparks ignite and the power of love spreads from the hands clasped together and through the bodies to which they're attached!  Yeah, this definitely has more than just possibilities of being something special.  Love at first sight?  Possibly.  But, more like fate collecting two souls and allowing them to find that they were meant to be together.  
You meet day after day, not wanting to be apart for a second.  You know her thoughts before you speak, and she seems to know yours.  She's different from anyone you've ever known in that she loves life to the fullest.  Simple things mean so much to her, instead of only looking at the price tags of the gifts you give.  She likes the outdoors as you do, and even has fun freezing alongside of you fishing through the ice on a December afternoon.  

Months go by and you know that the question inside your heart needs an answer.  If she will only allow you to become hers forever, and her to become yours forever, life will know no sorrow.  It has to be ... it is mandatory.  Still, the fear of rushing, of facing rejection, of ruining a wonderful relationship keep appearing every time you consider asking.  Finally, you decide you have to ask it.  You buy a ring, make a vow she cannot refuse, and take the big step.
After the ceremony, the years start to go by much too quickly.  Suddenly, kids, bills, and work pressures start you wishing you'd never asked.  You love her still, but life was much simpler before you took on all the responsibilities of being the "perfect" husband.

She feels it, too, as she always feels what you're feeling.  It starts to worry her and she becomes a little more hard to get along with.  Her words now have a sharpness that cuts deeply at times.  Worst of all, the kids feel it and ask, "Are you and mommy going to get a divorce?"

Their simple words make you reconsider.  You once knew you could rule the world with her by your side.  Perhaps, instead of looking at what you don't have anymore, you should look at what you do have!  Like the times you both helped the other through sickness, the love you both have for the children, the electricity you both shared for the other in the early years.  Perhaps, marriage and love isn't as easy as many try to make it out to be.  Maybe, staying together is work.  

Most of all, you imagine your life without her.  The loneliness and emptiness of once again, being alone, instead of with the one you love deep down inside.  It's time to talk it through ... to make it work!
So, you both agree to give it a try.  No, things aren't perfect, but they never are.  Funny how we only remember the good times when we think of how much fun we once had, and the bad seem to have been erased.  

It's time to go a little crazy!  Time to do something different!  Time to go outside the norm and bring a little excitement back into the relationship.  So, you get a babysitter, make reservations for a great dinner and concert, and on the way home, pull the car over and act like teenagers again!
Somehow, you and her make it through the years.  Again, there will always be conflicts, but there will always be good times, too.  The longer you stay together, the more accepting of the other's bad points you become.  Instead of nagging the other about them, you smile when you think of them while you're on a business trip, missing them as you recognize her absence.  Chances are, she's doing the same thing thinking about you.

Divorce is now out of the question.  There's no reason to seek out anyone else.  In fact, you are so confident in your relationship, you know the answer to strange questions without ever having to ask.  The answer will always be "Yes."
Hands together no longer resemble those that once held each other.  The smoothness is now plagued with wrinkles and liver spots.  However, the electricity that flows has more power than ever before.  

The walks together are still enjoyed, but there's a dark cloud overhead that brings about a fact of life that no one wants to accept, but must.  Sooner or later, the other will be alone.  All they'll have is the memories of a long life with the one they loved.  Whether there be an afterlife or not, the prayers will continue of hopes of once again being together.  One, in which, hands held close will once again be filled with the electricity of true love. 
Love can cure the most empty of days and the depression of reality.  It was once said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  Humans and animals alike need love in their lives.  


It's a fact of life.  

It's a fact of love.

Ciao!


Friday, February 7, 2014

Ten Things Of Thankful: Health Experts, Domestic Terrorism, & Chicken McNuggets

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What is it about cold weather that makes people experts on being healthy?

No, I've never noticed the relationship before.  Have you?

Recently, we've been in the grip of freezing temperatures, ice storms, and constant snow.  Cars are sliding around on highways, standing up while walking is difficult, and dogs are looking at their owners wondering why in the hell they can't just go to the bathroom in the bath tub instead of freezing off their paws outside.


It's Winter!  Believe it or not, it's the time of the year for the things to be like this!


However, a trait I've not noticed in years passed by is how many comments one receives about staying healthy during the Winter months.  Oh, we've always heard the standard:
  1. "Don't go outside if you're not dressed properly."  (And, "Yes", I actually have seen a couple of teenage idiots wearing shorts in subzero temperatures this year.  It's my guess they're proving their manhood by freezing off their manhood.)
  2. "It's cold and flu season so always make sure you wash your hands constantly, cover your mouth when you sneeze, and stay away from anyone with the sniffles."  (Like I regularly seek out sick individuals to spend hours of playing Russian Roulette with their germs.)
  3. "Limit your time outside as you may find the temperatures allow for frostbite to occur before you recognize it happening." (Although chopping off half an inch of ice from your windshield takes time and is a must before you can get your ass anywhere warm!
However, this year, I've been constantly verbally attacked by those that consider themselves "Health Specialists" because of something they've read on the web.  (Which never lies, as we all know.)
"I can do everything except
prescribe medicine.  For that,
you'll have to wait six months
for your Obamacare to kick in!"

There are still a few that hit me about my smoking cigarettes, but that's to be expected in today's politically correct society that proclaims one cannot do as they wish if others think it offensive to them.  I will state again, for the benefit of those that have not heard me say it before, "I won't blow my smoke in your face if you don't blow your El Toro defecation in mine."  If and when I decide to quit, I will do so on my own accord, and not because your words of wisdom suddenly provided me with a marvelous insight as to the immediate realization that smoking may not be the best thing I've ever done.  Still, when I look back at having already been dead twice in my life, and many of the dangerous activities I've participated in, smoking is probably one of the least dangerous.  Much less dangerous than hounding a smoker about quitting I might add.  (Just a word of warning ... just in case you were about to comment about it.)

No, this year is filled with people telling me:
  1.  ... I need to get at least eight hours of sleep a night, (I think after 59 years I can make a decision on when to sleep and how much sleep I need.  Just because I don't want to waste a third of what life I've got left of lying in an unconscious state wasting time doesn't mean my world will end tomorrow.  (It just means that I have more important things to do, such as write, work and smoke cigarettes!)
  2.  ... don't eat Chinese food as it's filled with MSG.  (No, I'd rather eat McDonald's hamburgers and fries like you that have enough sodium to cure a ten pound ham, and preservatives to keep my dead body in it's current state until the zombie comet passes overhead and allows me to rise from the dead to eat the flesh from your bones!)
  3.  ... wearing long underwear only reduces one's chances of being able to tolerate the cold and keep from getting sick.  (You might want to add "freezing one's ass off" to that list.)
  4.  ... drinking Diet Coke is terrible for you as they're filled with chemicals.  (When was the last time you ever looked at all the chemicals your local water company used to make water somewhat safe for drinking, especially since the water system pipes hadn't been sterilized in ... well, never!)
  5.  ... too much time at a computer will ruin your eyes.  (Tell my employer about that.  He's the one that keeps me there taking manufacturer's testing and working 9-11 hours a day.  If you've got a better job, let me know.  I might be interested!)
Let's see.  I know I can't eat anything that has white, enriched flour in it or I'll drop off to sleep within thirty minutes, fast food leaves me feeling like I'd gained fifty pounds in one sitting, I don't have to worry about getting bad sushi since I want my meat cooked before indulging, and I've researched enough to know that there are many cancer fighting natural foods (like broccoli) that I can eat sensibly.  I'm going to sleep when I need to, drink what I want to, and smoke as often as I can tolerate the cold weather at work.  My computer time is too much, but my eyes grow blurry when it's too much making it impossible to see the screen, so it limits itself.  And, as far as long underwear goes, if you want to freeze that's your prerogative.  Personally, I'm preferring staying warm!

I can't wait until the Summer months when I can preach to you about the long term aging and skin cancer effect of ultra violet rays, dehydration created by overuse of alcohol, and the dangers of barbeque cleaning brushes.  Oh, let's not forget about the dangers of bee stings, Summer diet regiments, and improper foot support of sandal wearing.  By the way, swimming in public pools in which people urinate and spit, grabbing icee's from the local convenience store machine (that's never cleaned), and inhaling too much charcoal smoke from the grill is also gambling with one's health!


Isn't life a bitch!!!


But, let us not forget why we've all gathered here today!

Yes, the Queen, Lizzi, has made proclamation that we will bring ourselves together to worship the Gods of Thankful!  Ten times we are directed to do so, unless we see it fitting to go more.  Still, ten is the number so designated by our loving Queen with the ever reaching cat 'o ten tails in her grasp.  Thus, ten times the bell shall toll and ten times the hearts will sing, "Thankful for thee, thankful we've been, thankful for we, stop here oh power of ten!"
Yes, tis time for "Ten Things Of Thankful" once again!

This week, I'm thankful for:
"What do you mean this was supposed
to be a roller coaster????"
1)  ... Olympic Games sensationalism!  If you haven't heard, Russia is hosting the Winter Olympics.  Propaganda from the Western World has made the pre-Olympic news coverage so dramatic, the games are almost secondary.  Everything from death and kidnapping threats, the smuggling of bomb materials, gay rights slandering, and the talk of inferior living conditions have filled the airwaves.  Actually, this is pretty typical for the Western World.  Their goal is to build up the sensationalism to increase curiosity which, in turn, will make people tune in to increase ratings points, which will validate the outrageous prices for advertising the networks will charge.  It's kind of like, "If we make the party seem big enough, we can charge a lot for tickets!"   It's a game that's been played for years, and will continue to be played as long as people fall for it.  (If you go, remember, these are Winter Games.  Long underwear may be necessary!)


"Ready ...  Aim ..."

2)  ... domestic terrorism.  Talk about making life exciting!  A continuing report concerning the 52 minute attack of a California power substation last year is now being discussed as a possible act of terrorism.  The attack on the power station, which took place in April of 2013, entailed over 100 rifle shots at transformers, cables being cut, and 27 days to repair the damage, is now, 10 months later, being thought of as an act of terror.  The FBI, never being an agency known for jumping to conclusions, still doesn't believe it an act of terrorism as the Federal Regulatory Commission has stated.  Instead, the FBI is currently investigating the cast of Duck Dynasty's visit to Southern California last year during duck hunting season, and the fact that all the transformers had duck targets posted on them.


3)  ... CVS Pharmacies.  It has recently been stated that CVS, the second largest pharmacy chain in the United States, will stop selling all tobacco products this year.  They feel cigarettes and tobacco products have no business being sold in a business that promotes health care.  (In a related story, CVS has announced they will be expanding the size of their beer and alcohol products departments  to aid the health industry in providing patients for liver transplants, and drunk driving emergency room auto crash victims.)


Lying naked to the world, Mr. & Mrs.
McNugget completed their plans
for world domination!
4)  ... Chicken McNuggets.  McDonald's decided it was finally time to respond to the "pink goop" photo that has been passed around the Internet supposedly showing of what the famous meal item was comprised.  A film has been made of the product being made to end all rumors.  This production even goes into the details of the four shapes (bow, ball, boot, bowtie) the McNuggets are formed into.  No response was given as to why "breast" was not a shape option.  

(Damn, it's a family dining restaurant.  You want breasts? 
Go to Hooters!)
5)  ... Denver Bronco fans.  Although winning and losing is part of sports life, Denver Bronco fans, after Sundays loss to Seattle at the Super Bowl, seem to have a little different manner in curbing their sorrows.  It seems as though there was a 11% increase in web traffic from Denver to porn sites after the Sunday debacle.  Seattle, also, noticed an increase in porn traffic, but nothing like Denver's.  (Seems, getting "blown away" has different meanings to the stoners in Washington, than it does in Denver.)


"C'mon, C'mon, I'll fight anyone!
I know I once got my ass beat
by a 17 year old, but this time
I'll be ready!"
6)  ... George Zimmerman.  Not only did this individual survive an alleged assault by Trayvon Martin, a court trial in which he had to fight not only the court system, but also the President's opinions and those of various minority mouthpieces, and contend with a mad and raging wife, but now, George Zimmerman will have to contend with a rapper.  George has decided to become a boxer.  His first opponent, chosen from the thousands that applied, will be the rapper, DMX.  That is, if the rapper will sign a contract.  Worries prevail as to if pictures will be taken of the injuries one could receive in the event, if the event will be televised or not, and if the rapper is simply all talk.  Finding an impartial panel of judges and a referee that doesn't hold grudges is also a problem that must be overcome.  (Already, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and anyone residing in Florida has been turned down.)

7)  ... Shaun White.  American Snowboarder and extreme danger seeker, Shaun White, has pulled out of the Olympic snowboarding event because the course was "too dangerous."  Others, still participating in the event, state that he pulled out because he recognized he had no chance to win.  It's reported that Mr. While later said, "I'd rather fight George Zimmerman than take a chance on that slope!"


"Me?  Attack a youngster?  Are
You Kidding?  Last time I tried to
attack anything a salad beat
my ass!"
8)  ... Woody Allen.  Did he or didn't he?  That is the question!  Woody's daughter has accused the actor/writer/director of sexually abusing her as a youngster.  Supposedly, she also brings up references to Woody's infatuation with his step daughter in the accusations.  Woody has responded to the issues in a letter to the New York Times, which may, or may not, be published by the Times in the next few days.  Woody, unavailable for comment, is currently debating on a sequel to his 70's hit movie, to be called, "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex With Your Kids ... (But Were Too Afraid To Ask For Fear Of Prosecution)."  

9)  ... John Kerry.  70 year old John Kerry has confirmed that he has no thoughts of running for president in 2016.  (It's also been reported that he knew he would have no chance running against Michelle Obama for that position, so why try?)

10)  ... Super Bowl Commercials.  Our last, but most influential topic this week, concerns Super Bowl Commercials.  In previous years, it really didn't matter how bad the game was.  Super Bowl commercials were something special and made up for the lack of substance (I say that loosely for Washington and Colorado residents) on the field.  With the exception of the Muppets and the Audi "Doberhuahua" commercials, this year's grouping of Super Bowl commercials was the worst ever viewed.  Whether it be the screening has been too stringent in trying not to offend the Politically Correct morons of the world, or that humor in the advertising world is no longer appreciated, this year's offerings were extremely lacking.  One can only envision next year's Super Bowl ratings points to be down due to this change in philosophy.  (In fact, the Indianapolis Colts are already preparing for their lack of viewers by contracting Peyton Manning to make a fantasy/ humor spot dreaming about what it would be like to win a Super Bowl somewhere other than Indianapolis.)  
And, that's that!  

Another week of thankful, thankfully thankful to be over.  My cats are demanding my attention, so it's time to put in a Woody Allen movie, split a Diet Coke with them, and fall asleep in the recliner with both keeping my lap warm.  


I wonder if McDonald's delivers McNuggets?

Ciao!