Monday, February 11, 2013

Gabriela's Mommy Blog: Men - O - Pause

(Gimme a hip hop beat)

Gabriela's at the door!
When I have my time
to Say-Ay, 
to Say-Ay.

I'm the cat with the most, 
jam 'n butter on the toast,
no big brag or mommy boast, 
I be the baddest cat host.

I tell it like it is, 
don't hold back on the fizz,
Lay it straight on the line, 
cuz I'm bold but so fine!

Say Yeah-ah!   "Yeah-ah!"
Say Yeah-ah!  "Yeah-ah!"
Put ya hands in the air-ah, Way up in the air-ah!

Say Ga-Bri-El-A!   "Ga  -  Bri   -  El   -   A!"

Yo it's Ga  - Bri  -  El  -  A!


"Hi Y'all!"

Girls, I gotta thank you!  Rich had absolutely no chance to turn me down with the way y'all commented last week!  Oh my gosh, support me you did!  I got almost as many comments as Rich does on his blogs.  (Of course, that's not sayin' much!  lol)

The ladies have spoken!  It's Girl Power puttin' down the man!   Mommies Rule!

So, at least for a while, Mondays will definitely be my day here on Rich's blog.  My little paws will be pounding the keys on subjects that some mommies need to know, and other mommies just Want to know!  Coz, darhin's, I do know!  And, I'm gonna do my best to help y'all out!

Today's topic, as promised, is 

    I know how to get what
    I want ... do you?

Girls, have you ever wanted somethin' real bad?  I mean, so bad that you get that squishy feelin' inside, kinda like you gotta go take a pee, but you're in a public place and really don't wanna sit down where that dirty, ugly, fat, one toothed lady from the trailer park reject center just got up from?   I mean, you want it so bad that it hurts, but you know your hubby is plannin' on buyin' that useless tool for the garage or that video game that will pretend is for the kids!

Girls, that's when it's time for 

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

This is all about what our mamas should have been teachin' us since we were old enough to know what shakin' and bakin' it does to a man!  I call it P.O.P. (The Power Of Pussycat)!  You can call it whatever you want!  Truth is, the only girl that doesn't get what she wants is one that's too shy to give it a try!  

"So, how do we get what we want? "

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!

Get the headache pills ready and set the bottle out.  
No matter how much they beg, make 'em scream, make 'em shout.
Flaunt what cha got, put on a real show,
But when they ask for mo', tell 'em no, no, no!

Lke that DVD y'all were watchin' the other night, just when it gets to a good part, grab the remote control, and put it on pause.  Make him wait! Take your time in the kitchen, gettin' somethin' you want to munch on, and then come back, sit down, and say, 

"Oh, did you want somethin' too?"

Now, not only have you ticked him off by makin' him wait, but he's gettin' nothin' for waiting!  Oh, dahrlings, there's nothin' like nothin' to get a man to do somethin'!  

So, cut him off!  Take away his 
"Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" 
and replace it with

MEN - O - PAUSE !!!!!
Not tonight honey, I ...

Now, a couple of nights later, after you've used up the Top Ten typical excuses:
  1. I have a headache.
  2. I feel bloated.
  3. I'm worried about my friend.  I think her husband's coming out of the closet.
  4. I think I might have a yeast infection.
  5. I found porn site history on the computer again.  Do you think the kids are looking at it, or are you?
  6. I'm so depressed.
  7. I can't stop thinking about my mother.
  8. I'm feeling a little itchy down there:   A.)  You haven't been messing around somewhere else, have you?    B.)  I hope I didn't catch something crawly from Wal-Mart's bathroom!
  9. I hear something outside the window.  A.)  Why don't you go check it out?        B.)  Do you think it could be the new girl from your office?
  10. I hope your nose is stopped up, because I really have gas tonight.  
It's time to lay it all on the line.  

Fix him somethin' good to eat for dinner ... oysters or somethin' that'll give him a hint as to what he could be in store for later on.  Then, get into that special little teddy he loves and sit close to him on the couch after you put the kids away for the evening.  Kiss his neck a few times, warm up your hands in his crotch, and say, 
I'm always here if he says, 

"I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight.  Do I need to get fresh batteries, 
or are you going to join me?"

(*One word of warning, never say this in the last five minutes of a basketball or football game.  Have some patience and wait until it's over.  Otherwise, you've only got a fifty/ fifty chance of getting him to come along so you can score!)

Honey, that damn Energizer Bunny can't move as fast as your man will!  

So, you've got him in bed.  Now, after kissing a couple of minutes (or, seconds if you're still young) say,  "Oh, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."

MEN - O - PAUSE  !!!!!!

"I know you've been wanting that new tool for the garage workshop, but I found a really nice _____ that I haven't been able to get off of my mind the last few days.  I was going to ask for it for (my birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas), but it's on sale right now.  Do you think I might be able to go ahead and save us money and get it?"

Now, two things can happen.  Your flow chart from here depends on the answer you receive.

1)  If you get any type of positive acknowledgement  (verbal "yes", grunt, or head shake), you've got your way and can give him what he wants (if you want to, as it really doesn't matter now since he's said, "Yes.").  
2)  If he's going to play "I'm a selfish bastard" and says, "No", or gives you any type of static, you know what time it is!

MEN - O - PAUSE   !!!!!!

("Honey, I can say "No" too!")

Girls, you're gonna get what you want!  I promise you!  As long as your hubby is still in love with you and horny, he's gonna give you what you want so he can get what he wants ... you!  That's just the way it is!

And, if he doesn't, chances are he's messin' around on you and gettin' it someplace else!  Then, you're still gonna get what you want.  

You just have to have a little patience while the lawyers work out all the details!  

Did you see me perform
at the Super Bowl?   lol
Once again, it's

MEN - O - PAUSE  !!!!!

Now, I know most of you have been pro's at this stuff for a while.  But there's always one or two of you wondering why your neighbor's husband always buys her stuff, and you never get anything.  This has been for you.  

And I know a few of you probably thought I was gonna be talkin' about menopause, or the change of life thing.  I ain't old enough to be an expert on that, so, either ask your mama, or take a little time and ask Rich.


Honey, ain't no one can tell you better about menopause than a man whose wife has been through it!   I hear tell it's like daily PMS for three to four years!  Now you know why he played around with venomous snakes for so long ?  It was safer!

See y'all next week!

***Girls ... please let me know what topics you'd like for me to talk about.  There's nothin' worse than me just chattin' away at somethin' you don't want to hear.  That's like listenin' to your husband or boyfriend yak yak yak all night!  So, list some topics in the comments below!  

Or, if you'd like some advice, just say, "Gabriela, I need help .... "  
I'll do my best to cover it the following Monday!

Also, tell me about how you use MEN - O - PAUSE in your home if it's any different than mine.  I'd love to learn new secrets!

I got laundry to fold and put away!
Y'all write me some comments and I'll get to 'em tonight!
Thanks, Y'all!