Friday, March 22, 2013

FTSF: The Wheelie and Walker With Wheels

God, is it Friday already?

Getting older is Hell!

It is becoming clear that I can no longer live on only 4 hours of sleep a night.  I’m frustrated that this stage of my life has arrived.

Now, I have to waste at least 6 hours a night to feel good the next day.

Otherwise, my walker with wheels gets too heavy to roll down the hill.

No, I really don’t have a walker with wheels.  I’ve thought about getting one, just so people don’t get mad at me when I park in handicapped parking spaces.

No, although I’ve been tempted many times, I really don’t park in handicapped parking spaces.  That was just an attempt at a witty remark.

However, I usually notice those who do.  It tends to irritate me to see people, or teenagers, who are not handicapped, park in these spaces.  

Yesterday, I watched six teenagers exit a car parked in one of these spaces.  It was evident none of them were handicapped.   I also noticed they were so bold that they had failed to raise up one of the windows.

Once again, I was tempted.  I considered reaching inside to steal the blue placard hanging from the mirror that allowed the teenagers to park in the space legally.  I began to justify the act more and more.

But then I wondered, “What if they stole the car?  

I mean, what if they stole the car simply because it had a handicapped placard hanging from the mirror, and they knew they could get a great parking space at the mall?  To do such a thing would obviously be the act of some desperate criminals.  What if they were the type to shoot me if they came out and caught me stealing the placard?”

Is stealing a handicapped placard from a bunch of maniacal teenagers worth dying for?

So, instead, I grabbed a half empty 32 oz. cup of Mountain Dew that had been sitting in my cup holder for a couple of days, loosened the lid, walked by their car, and dropped the cup in the driver’s seat.

I felt much better.  Plus, I had gotten rid of the cup of Mountain Dew before it had seeped out of the soaked cup into my cup holder.

I like being efficient.

Today is FTSF once again.  

If you don’t know what FTSF is, it’s “Fondle Toto’s Slimy Fur” day!

Okay, it’s really not that.   It’s “Find The Single Female” day!

Just joking.  FTSF stands for “Fibbers Tell Stories Forever” day!

One more time …

It’s Finish The Sentence Friday!

This is the day our hostesses

provide us a prompt and we finish the line with a phenomenal story about one of our past lives.  We might travel back into the land of the dinosaurs … the era of the gladiators … the conquering of the Wild West … or the castration of real men decade (formerly known as the 80’s).

Today’s prompt is: 

”One time when I was bored out of my mind, I…

(This is where we’re supposed to finish it … so get ready … )

Are you ready, yet?

How about now?

Okay, here we go …

One time when I was bored out of my mind, 
I decided to be totally creative in a different manner.  

The problem was figuring out the different manner!

So, I sat back in my favorite recliner, put my feet up, and decided that I needed to think about it a while.

Suddenly, I was back in my childhood.  I had my bike, a Stingray (big handlebars, banana seat, and small wheels) atop a tremendous hill.  I had just got it, and was ready to try my first wheelie!  The anticipation of roaring down the hill at full speed was tremendous.

This was going to be 
my moment!

I pushed off and headed down the hill.  Faster and faster I pedaled.  The wind was thundering in my ears as I reached Mach 5 speed.  I could no longer pedal with any effectiveness.  There was no resistance from my efforts as the bike was traveling at the speed of light.

Now was the time.

I pulled up and back at the handlebars.  The front wheel rose off the road without any problem … higher and higher!  I was doing a wheelie!

I just wish someone would of told me there is a point where you want to balance out your weight instead of continuing to pull backwards.

When one is traveling at the speed of light, and the back wheel of the bike suddenly shoots in front of the front wheel, the human body finds itself with no where to sit … except the road.   That would have been a nice option.

Instead, my feet were the first part of me to hit the road.  The motion of the bike pulled me forward into a prone position as my stomach and knees were dragged down a blacktop road by a bike that I refused to let go of.  

Now, being dragged down a road on one’s stomach is not the greatest way to end one’s first attempt at doing a wheelie.  However, I didn’t have much choice in the matter.

Three miles later, the bike finally came to a rest.  That was when I first noticed another first in my life.  It was the first time I’d ever had the wind knocked out of me.  
Very similar to the type of road the accident occurred on,
except there was much more hot tar bubbling in the hot sun.

Bleeding from multiple tar covered gravel blacktop rock cuts, I rose and started coughing.  Where was the air that was supposed to be inside my body?  I gasped and wheezed and finally located from where it had been hiding.  

What the Hell?  
I was doing 
a wheelie, not playing 
Hide And Seek!

It was then the pain set in.  Cut from my chin, down my torso, and ending at my knees, I will admit, the kid in me decided that crying might be the thing to do.  If nothing else, perhaps the tears would soothe the burning I was experiencing from all the cuts.

Of course, upon getting home, my father’s primary concern was the condition of the bike.  He was somewhat upset over a few of the scratches it had received in the melee, but I guess he figured that his words were punishment enough … along with the 1700 rock cuts I’d sustained.

Do you have any idea how much 1700 rock cuts can hurt 
when being washed out with alcohol?

It was then when I awoke in the recliner.  Why I had dreamed about this childhood experience was beyond me.  I had never thought about it since it had occurred.  Yet, once again, I had experienced it as if it had happened only yesterday.

Oh, and I never did figure out how to be totally creative in a different manner.

But, I did catch a nice nap!