Sunday, August 18, 2013

MF ... Tagged by the marvelous Menopausal Mother

Picture that I stole from the blog of 
Menopausal Mother, the tagger in this game 
of Black Art Trickery!  Forgive me, Marcia?

What happens when you run to the bathroom for what is expected to be a necessary and demanding bodily function and nothing happens?
You get tagged!

It's worse than getting ready to sneeze and no sneeze occurs.  In fact, just when you think you're going to have success, only warm and bitter aromas fill the air.  The cramps remain, but still, nothing else occurs.

You've been tagged!

No matter how hard you try, it's just not in the cards, or in the bowl.  So, do you go ahead and fill the toilet with paper to give yourself some validity for your efforts?  Or, do you just arise, pull up your pants, and give in to the fact that there are forces in Mother Nature that are much more powerful than your body's ability to crap?

And finally give in to the fact 
you've really been tagged!!!

The hilarious Marcia, of menopausal mother, decided to keep all of her female friends as readers and cast away her male friends (at least the ones that haven't been paying for her actions that are illegal in 48 states), and tag five of us guys.  

This act of treachery and despair open handed friendship symbolizes her desire to remove at least five male bloggers from the web for several days, leaving the web traffic to her and her gender biased cohorts fun loving compatriots.  With us guys out of the way, their views will surely increase, as ours decrease.  Such a plan has been issued by the new Gestapo world order the ingenious Marcia and her cult members.  

Sieg heil, mine fuhrer!

Now, Marcia really doesn't need this to get views.  In fact, her blog is one of the most popular around, and for good reason.  She pays people to read it!  It's timely, funny, relevant, and extremely well written.  It's not a boring "How To...", but instead, a great read any time of the day (or night, as that's when she has her many male visitors).

I'm still trying to figure out how I got on her bad side!

There are seven topics mandating five answers each in this episode of tagging.  That's a grand total of 35 answers required by our torturer tagger.  After attempting to comply with this feat, we are to name five others to be tortured tagged, making us the new "bad" torturers taggers.

So, without further ado, let us begin this journey.
It's always nice when someone
recognizes you're having a hard time
with constipation and helps you out!

Five Things I have a passion for:

  1. Making people laugh
  2. Hot, passionate lovemaking  (usually done the same time as #1)
  3. Long drives with great music  (I said music ... not that rap crap for those unable to carry a tune.)
  4. Writing (or whatever I do that somewhat resembles it)
  5. Helping others succeed (Nothing like knowing I assisted a person to a better life, even if my own sucks.)

Five Things I want to do before I die:

  1. Bungee jump off a bridge
  2. Eliminate stupid people from running our country (Yeah, I know, I'm dreaming.)
  3. Continue to fight against the Politically Correct concept that's destroying common sense and individualism today  (Yeah, still dreaming)
  4. Win the Powerball Jackpot  (Wake up, Rich, damn it, wake up!!!)
  5. Come up with an ending to my book that's not predictable (12 years and still no luck)

Five Things I say a lot:
Vote Bernie Madoff
for President!!!

  1. "God, people are so damn stupid anymore ... no common sense whatsoever."
  2. "Unless people start teaching their kids common sense and responsibility, we can't expect things to change!"
  3. "All politicians are the same ... scam artists just as bad as Bernie Madoff!"
  4. "There are those who "try" and those who "do."  Those who "try" start with failure in  mind and reduce their chances of ever succeeding.  Those who "do" start with success in mind and will reach a greater level of success because the effort will be there to  succeed."
  5. "Stop blaming things and blame people!  No gun, cigarette, bottle of booze, or drug ever killed anyone without some dumb ass causing it to!  Stop listening to the so-called mind doctors that preach against objects instead of self control and personal accountability.  If they knew what they were talking about, they'd have come up with a solution to keep people from actions that kill other people!"         ... and my wife wants me to add:
  6. "I love you" to her.  (It gets habit forming after 33 years of marriage to the bitch.)

Five Books or magazines I've read lately:

  1. The Hunger Games trilogy
  2. Most Evil: Avenger, Zodiac and the Further Murders Of Dr. George Hill Hodel (by Steve Hodel)
  3. Sins Of Our Fathers (by Susan Howatch)
  4. Big Man  (by Clarence Clemons & Don Reo)
  5. Ronnie  (by Ronnie Wood) 

Five Favorite Movies:

  1. Fargo  (hilarious subtle humor)
  2. Forest Gump  (everything you could want in a movie)
  3. From Dawn Till Dusk  (Vampires and Salma Hayek table dancing, it's guy Utopia!)
  4. Twister  (no thinking or major plot ... just good action without gore)
  5. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World  (the best slapstick comedy ever made)       ... and I gotta add
  6. Big Fish  (overlooked fantasy comedy with a moral)

Five Places I would love to travel to:

  1. My home  (God, I just don't see it enough with my 70 hour work week schedule)
  2. Any country where smoking isn't looked upon as a Cardinal Sin  (Does it exist?)
  3. Italian countryside  (The one place I'd like to live my final days of life)
  4. Asia  (Didn't have enough time to visit much when I was there)
  5. Capetown, South Africa  (This time without spending two weeks in the hospital surviving a bite from a Cape Cobra.)

Five Bloggers I choose to torture tag  -  You're it!
"Oh, thank you so much, Rich!
You have saved us from much
frustration an duplicated effort!"
This is really where I have to draw the line.  I'm happy to have been considered by Marcia for the tagging, and really somewhat honored that she'd think of me.  She's a fun loving individual that loves to share her enthusiasm and hysterics, and I'm proud to have her as a friend.

   However, I'm somewhat against tagging and award posts that tend to only be written out of consideration and respect of the torturer tagger.  Perhaps it's because they somewhat limit the creative spirit. Or, maybe it's because I know so many people are struggling to find the time to write their own blogs on specific subject matter and themes, instead of producing one of these.  

   So, Marcia, I love you to death and think you're a fantastic writer and person, but I'm going to pass on this phase.  I know there are at least 100 bloggers out there exhaling thankfully in relief now as they won't have to go through this.  I hope you'll understand my stand here and not feel slighted in any way.

   However, if there is a blogger out there that reads this and willfully wishes to participate, feel free to consider yourself tagged.  You can even reference me in doing so.  I'd be honored.

Next time, I promise a more comedic blog.  Hopefully, you'll understand.  If you don't and I find out about it, I'll tag you in the future.

That's a promise!