Monday, July 22, 2013

Ten... No, Eleven Reasons I'm Not Going To FlogHer ... Er ... BlogHer

Most serious bloggers are taking their tails to BlogHer this week.

That should explain why 
I'm not going.

Plus, I still don't know if guys can go to BlogHer 
or not.

Is there such a thing as BlogHim?

Who knows?
Who cares?

Blog is complete.

Topic over.

Time for a nap.

Goodbye!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What, you want ten reasons?  You've got to be kidding!  Okay, well let's get this over with and give the real Ten reasons that I'm not attending this highlight event of the blogging world.


Support my tons and warm my buns,
you'll always be my tail's delight!
1)  I love my computer chair.  When I learned that the airlines wouldn't allow me to carry it aboard with me, my heart was crushed.  How could I leave my chair, my fall asleep while writing bed, my molded to butt cheeks ass warmer that holds me so close and dear?  What if I returned with all my new found knowledge and someone had broken into my house and stole my precious home of glut solitude?  No, I just couldn't take the chance.

2)  I wanted to save my wife embarrassment.  If I would have attended, my wife would have accompanied me (as supervisor of the ankle bracelet the authorities attached during the early 70's and never removed).  My wife knows nothing about computers.  She can't even get online by herself.  She would have suffered unbound embarrassment listening to speaker after speaker give discussions on subjects she couldn't understand.  Loving her as I do, I couldn't subject her to that kind of experience so late in her life.  "Damn It!  What do you mean you forgot to bring me my Diet Coke?"  


Just remember, you neutered me first!
 I can always return the favor!
3)  My cats threatened me with castration should I leave them for a week.  As I am the one to feed them nightly, they know how important I am to their lives.  To lose me to a possible plane crash or even a BlogHer/Him maniac with a loaded keyboard, would be a terrible loss for them to endure. 

 So, instead of taking a chance, they both approached me last week and made me a promise.  "No matter what you would gain by going, it won't compare to what you'd lose if you don't stay home."  As they've been sharpening their claws and staring at my crotch daily, I've followed their lead and recognized the importance of keeping a family together.  Besides, the real jewels are always kept at home, right?

4)  My guns need cleaning.  Who knows when the country will break out in a civil war, or wild gangs will run wild in the streets.  A person has got to be able to be prepared for the extremes.  So, every now and then I have to take out all my guns and give them a thorough cleaning, just in case the drones and helicopters start flying overhead, again.  Besides, the medicinal crops in the hydroponic grow units in the basement are almost ready to harvest.  A man's gotta protect his investments!


Hope you're not eating right now!
No, they're not mine ... but close!
5)  I have to cut my toenails.  Occasionally, it comes down to either purchasing new socks or cutting toenails.  Having gone a little too long between cuttings, the purchasing of new socks has depleted the funds that were being earmarked for air fare, hotel, and food expenses.  So, I've sharpened the axes, fine tuned the steel files, and rented a jackhammer to attack the masses of toe jam and protein that have built up over the past decade.  It's a rough job, but someone's got to do it.

6)  My wife wants me home to protect her from her own emotions during America's Got Talent.  Howie, Howard, Heidi & Mel are just too much for her to handle by herself as they crush the dreams of contestants vying for the coveted spot of Finalist.  Her tears, smiles, tension filled moments, and relief during the voting moments will have to be supervised by me to protect the neighbors from harm. (Especially with the clean guns now fully ready for action in the house.)


Nothin' like enjoying the wide open spaces!!!
7)  The outhouse needs cleaning.  Damn neighbors had a party the other night and I let three of their family members sleep in it to get outta the rain.  Hell, even made it tough to take a morning leak the next day when I was gettin' ready for work. Damn people didn't clean up after themselves at all, and even let their dogs in to use the facilities.  Unfortunately, none were trained to hit the holes.  Now, every time the wife or I have to go do as nature demands, we're steppin' in dog sh*t.  I'd hoped it would get hard and be easy to sweep out if I let it go a couple of days.  Gonna have to check it out soon and make sure the wife isn't overcome by the smell in the heat of the day.

8)   I have a driving need to watch Titanic for the 30th time.  There's something about seeing a long ship plug deeply and sink straight into a big ocean, right after watching a nude scene with a beautiful woman wearing a solitary jewel, that's kind of sensual.  Now that it's on my mind, I feel a stirring in my soul, as well as my underwear.  "Got the outhouse clean yet, honey?"

9)  I have too many blogs to write!  It's a shame when you can't do something because you're busy doing the same thing that you could be learning about.  But, isn't learning doing?  If you're not doing, then why worry about learning?  But, if you're not learning, could your doing be wrong?  How could doing be wrong if you're learning by doing?  (God, I'm getting dizzy)  I don't because I did, but I don't because I do!  (Scary ...that almost makes sense even to me, lol.)


10)  And, the final reason I'm not going this week is that my belly button needs vacuuming.  There's nothing like a Hoover roaring in the evening as the hose attaches itself to your belly button and draws out the masses of lint that have accumulated over the decades.  You stand there, enjoying the light of day, engrossed in the ecstasy, feeling the vibration of the Hoover suck free the globs of oil soaked threads from your stomach  crater.  And, when you're done, it is truly amazing how many others do the same as soon as they, too, finish washing their cars!


So, if I could go to BlogHer, these would be the reasons that I couldn't go.  And, if BlogHer is strictly for the female gender, then none of these reasons would matter unless I had a sex change operation.  This could also limit my available funding, so I probably wouldn't be able to attend anyway.  Then, I'd be a male in a female body.

Hmmmm, sounds like a winning blog to me!!!

I could entitle it, "A Man In She!"

No, that sounds too much like porn.

Okay, how about, "Rich is Inside"?

No, still porn sounding.

I know, "That's Life ... Sometimes!!!"

(Rich, you shameless self promoting fool! You're a genius!)

Oh, and before I forget ... here's reason eleven!!!!

I have to celebrate 
the birth of the new PRINCE!!!!!!!



Hail to the Prince!
Long Live the Queen!

44 comments:

  1. I choked on my wine, thanks for that. I'm not going to Blog Her either. I guess I'm not a serious enough blogger.

    Oh and ewww the post should have come with a warning that it was not only not kid approved (the censors!) but that it contained images not appropriate for anyone who can see.

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    1. Kerri - Thanks for stopping in and choking! lol I didn't realize my blogs did that to people. If I try harder, I might be able to complete a full regur .... no, I'm not going to say that! lol My cat Faletamie is a little upset right now. He knows he's a hunk, but never considered himself unfit for children. He's sharpening his claws again. Careful dear! :) Glad you liked this. Many Thanks!

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  2. Look at you first in line! Ok I haven't stop laughing since the toenails. I always point to an old scar on my leg and tell my husband, "Look at what your bottle openers did to me last night." Ugh it really makes me made when I get poked with those things. I usually go to get around 10:00 - laughing has given me a second wind.

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    1. Kenya - Good to see you here! My wife used to do the same to me, but it wasn't her toenails. She's one of those people that loves going barefoot most of the time. The callouses on the bottom of her feet are like steel files. She'd rub them against my legs a couple of times during the night and the next morning I'd think she played a trick on me and shaved my legs!!! Glad you enjoyed this one! Many Thanks!

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  3. I'm pretty sure there is at least one male attending- but I'm SURE he isn't half the man you are. Come to think of it- he may BE a half/man.

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    1. Cheryl - What are you doing here? You're supposed to be enjoying the royalty at BlogHer!! lol I really appreciate you taking the time to stop in. I know there's a lot going on there. It means a lot. The "half/man" comment gets my derelict mind going, but I'm going to restrain myself. lol Have a great time there! Many Thanks!

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  4. Jeez, Rich - you need a warning before those nasty toenails - I threw up a little in my mouth! Good thing the rest of your post made me laugh - especially the prince. He doesn't look a thing like his parents.

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    1. Dana - You DID visit before rolling over and going to sleep! (Damn, wish I'd have been here! lol) That was the grossest photo of toenails I could find. I figured if anyone was just skimming, those would stop them in their tracks! lol Seems to be working! I was as shocked as you by the prince. He may not be much on royalty, but I bet he'll have the Palace rocking one of these days! Many Thanks!

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  5. Dude I was totally cracking up and then I got grossed out by the belly button crap. I love guns and outhouses, but the belly button lint. BLECH! I'm going to puke now.

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    1. Jen - Damn it, I've been too good lately! I had to let the bad boy out a little and set my soul free! lol There are times in a man's life ... blah blah blah, blah blah blah, etc. :) Glad you enjoyed this! I'm thinking of releasing it as a diet book for bulimics! Many Thanks!

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  6. Hahaha! I loved this - so funny!
    And although men are welcome at Blogher, you're right, you need to stay home - you must do whatever the cats command. ;)

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    1. Natalie - So good to see your smiling face at my humble abode! Welcome to the madness (one might better say, lol). Seriously, am very happy you enjoyed this piece. It was a little more extreme than usual, but sometimes that works for the better. Yes, for my own safety, I'm going to stay put. I keep telling Faletamie that over and over, but for some reason, he acts like he doesn't believe me. I've got to stay on my toes for sure! Many Thanks!

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  7. If you had attended BlogHer, there's a good chance you would have heard a spirited lecture about the pros and cons of using toenail photos in your posts...likely a bit more on the con side...

    Enjoyed the essay very much - thanks for posting!

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    1. John - Thanks for visiting! I can only imagine the negatives discussed on that topic. lol Yet, I have never been one to fit within the mold. Since I really only write for myself, and those that wish to read, profit doesn't concern me much. If it did, I'd probably chase the BlogHer dream and learn all about the technical aspects of the game. I conform only when needed, as I did for years on certain stages. Loved the extremely well done tale you wove in your blog posting earlier. Many Thanks!

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  8. OMG that pictures of your almost toenails is horrific!! Ugh. I was going to ask where you found that gem but a google search (that I did not do!) would probably bring even worse pictures to the surface! :-)

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    1. Joy - So very nice of you to stop in tonight. The toenail photo is indeed providing an unexpected shock factor. lol Mine are really not bad at all, but the attention this photo is getting is making it all worth while! I do hoped you enjoyed the rest of the post! Many Thanks!

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  9. Hahaha! I'm glad I ate before reading your post! Hey, who are Mel and Heidi on AGT and what happened to the lovely Sharon O? Then again, we are SO far behind on that in SA here it's not even funny. I should think your cats would be upset, lol! We can only go away if my brother or sister-in-law is available to house sit. Absolutely no way will they ever go back to a cattery. So good to be reading your blogs again, I missed them!

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    1. Melanie - Ah, so good to see your smiling face today! I'm glad you ate first, too! I understand many are having problems holding things down, for some reason. Must be some sort of a bug going around! :) Mel is from the Spice Girls, and Heidi is Heidi Klum, the ex-model. No, doesn't make sense to me either. I usually don't watch much of it, but have to be there so when the wife starts getting mad at the ones they pick and don't pick, I can keep her from throwing things at the TV. Really good to see you! Many Thanks!

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  10. hahahaha It looks like I'm not the *only* person who posts Country Bear Toes on their blog, thank you! You DO have a beautiful belly button!
    I'm not going either, but for none of those reasons. We don't even have an outhouse.

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    1. Joy - So grateful you took the time to visit today! That was the most gross picture I could find and still resemble toenails. lol I think the shock factor worked as expected. But, alas, the beauty of the belly button is not mine either. Still, I have to agree, it is a marvelous example! :) Don't have an outhouse? OMG, don't the neighbors say something when you go outside to use the bathroom? You must have a lot of bushes around the house. :) Many Thanks!

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  11. See? And my whole reason for not going is that my fish needs a bath...

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    1. Emelie - Really good of you to visit. I'll be reading yours tonight as I can only slip in a comment or two here since I'm at work. I understand the need for clean fish. A clean fish is a healthy fish. Also, who wants dirty fish while eating shushi? lol Many Thanks!

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  12. OMG> THAT was soo gross. The outhouse, bellybutton, toenails. You succeeded in making me happy you weren't going to BlogHer!!! LOL

    In all seriousness, I think BlogHer needs more BlogHims. Just saying.

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    1. Julie - Ah, the blonde one sneaks away from the royalty at BlogHer to visit my humble, but gross abode! lol Alas, I thought my presence would be direly missed there. :) Perhaps if the name would change it might attract a few more of the male gender. Just a thought! Seriously, I know you're busy there. Thanks for taking the time to stop in and comment. Greatly appreciated!

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  13. Ack! You just had to show those toenails, didn't you?!! And, I'm pretty sure that's not your belly button! :P

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    1. Roshni - So good of you to stop in today! I have to apologize as neither the toenails or belly button are mine. I, like Hollywood, have need of stand ins at times, as I'm pretty normal looking for the most part. Still ... they made an impression, didn't they! lol Many Thanks!

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  14. I appreciate the warning to NOT be eating while reading this today because those toenails are even grosser than my husband's heels which are disgustingly gross. I bought him a pedicure one year and he never used it, claiming they are for girlie men. In return, he had to buy new expensive sheets when his heels wore a hole through my favorite ones (true).
    I'm not going to BlogHer either, so we can get on Facebook chat and make fun of everybody who spent a bunch of money to learn "blog regularly, connect with other bloggers, promote your blog, use Facebook and Twitter, join blogging support groups, blah blah blah." However, I am a little bit bummed that I'm not going because I'm pretty sure there are going to be some excellent moments to capture during the late-night post happy-hour drinking hours.

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    1. Kristi - As you can see by the comments, you were the only one I pre-warned about the toenails. I figured anyone that could fall for a donkey needed warning about the dangers of hooves and such! :) Okay, I'm ready, who do you want to make fun of first? Being the gentleman I am (or pretend to be) I'll let you make the first selection. That is, if you're sober enough! lol Many Thanks!

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  15. *has been stopped in tracks by toenails*

    RICH! I just about managed to stop feeling sick from last night and now you've set me off again. I tellya what though, I'm so glad my outhouse has a clean floor, cos even if it hada been like yours, I still would've fallen asleep on it, the state I was in!

    And the bellybutton lint - you know it's real handy for stopping sniffer dogs, right? Just hide whatever you're stashing in the bottom of the button and put the lint right there on top. They never get past it. Can't believe you're just WASTING yours!

    One day you'll get to go to BlogHer, Cinderelly.

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    1. Lizzi - Happy Birthday, my friend! I do hope its been a good one for you, at least until now! lol I know you had fun running the train today, but don't those toenails give new meaning to saying, "Choooooo, Choooooo!" :) Thanks for the tip on the belly lint. I've just always used some of my wife's socks, and they worked wonders. (That was her feet you saw in the photo, lol) Keep wearing the magic slippers! Things are going great for you. Many Thanks!

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  16. These by far are the best reasons for not going to FlogHer er BlogHer! I died laughing! Do you see my wings? I'm an angel blogger now ;)

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    1. Jhanis - So good to meet you! OMG, you really didn't die, did you? Now I'm going to have to go through the court system and try to explain why I wrote all of this stuff in self defense of my reasons not to go! That means time away from work, lost income, family stress, doctor bills, and years of psychological treatment. Or, worse yet, what if I'm convicted and end up in prison? After my cats find a way to exert their vengeance on me somehow for leaving them alone to survive with my wife, I'll truly be at the mercy of the hard core convicts! Please, come back to life ... PLEASE!!! lol Glad you enjoyed this! Many Thanks!

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  17. LOL! I giggled through this whole post {trying not to wake the baby}.

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    1. Jessica - Wow! Another new visitor! Really good to see you here. I had thought that I might need to write in a smaller font. That way, I could help you keep the giggles softer and allow your baby uninterrupted napping! Maybe I'll try that next time just for you! :) Am happy to meet you and that you enjoyed this. Many Thanks!

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  18. Hey Rich, I love that I found your blog (minus the awful pictures ;-) ) and I nominated you for an award! http://icansaymama.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-versatile-blogger-meets-semper.html

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    1. Joy - Awful pictures? Here? You've got to be kidding! Me? Post awful pictures? Okay, you caught me! lol It's one way to stop the 2 minute skim that the Internet is known for creating among blog readers. lol I'm glad you came by ... but the award was totally unnecessary (Like you weren't searching for someone to unload it upon, huh? lol) I actually already have a variation of the award (see picture above), but will try to earn this one too in a FTSF post tomorrow. It actually will work out well as the topic is something like, "What I like/hate about blogging" (or something like that). lol Good of you to visit! Many Thanks!

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    2. You can never have too many of those awards, can you? It is totally deserved and I am glad I found your funny blog!

      I hope my award doesn't go into the "what I hate about blogging" category though?!

      If not for anything else, the award is just well-deserved for the nice layout of your blog (because I use the same, tee hee!) ;-)

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    3. I actually saw the same background on yours the other night when I visited, but didn't say anything because I didn't want you to visit just to see. lol What do they say about "Great Minds".... ? I haven't written the blog yet (it's not an hour before deadline, yet, is it?), so I'm up in the air. You can depend on me to continue in the manner in which I'm known for ..., which could be a good thing ... or, could be a ......
      Many Thanks! :)

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  19. So funny. Glad to meet you. Will be following you regularly and thanks for stopping by.

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    1. Mary - Thank you for the follow! You have now condemned yourself to the trials and tribulations of the demented! lol Seriously, I'm thinking about having a party for all my followers. For an advance minor fee of $5000 each, I will provide an open field with Port-A-San facilities and tables for a BYOB and BYOD get together. Each attendee will be a guest speaker, and will be able to relate all the reasons they can provide for why cow pastures may allow white tennis shoes the ability to turn a strange shade of brown. As I figure the booze and drugs will be in vast surplus, any other topic will be valid, too! If interested, you truly are to be a loyal follower for life! lol In all seriousness, I do appreciate the follow and your visits! Many Thanks!

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  20. I regret to inform you that, yes, men are allowed to attend BlogHer - who else would be available to serve all the ladies their Diet Cokes? Don't forget to pack your loin cloth (it's the uniform for servers) when you attend next year. Oh, and I prefer regular coke splashed in my crown. I'll test you on it during the lecture "Blogging: Fame or Folly?"

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    1. Terrye - Really good of you to visit! Would you like ice with that or would you prefer your Diet Coke straight? But, unfortunately, if I were to don a loin cloth, I'm afraid that I'd be taken for the old indian chief in Little Big Man and be taken to the mountain for a "Good Day To Die"! lol One never plans on another year in my house (except my wife). I just take it one day at a time and will hopefully outlive her so I can finally get control of the TV!!!! Many Thanks!

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  21. Hilarious! The folks at BlogHer/Him are going to regret not having you and your beautiful toenails at their conference. It's their loss. They'll have to try a little harder next time because, you know, that lint is going to clean itself.

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  22. Haha! That picture of the toenails almost made me throw up in my coffee. Nasty!!! And men are allowed at BlogHer. I think they said it was 15% men. But that doesn't even begin to take care of your reasons for not going. :-)

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