Friday, January 9, 2015

Sarcasm Returns ... Quarterback Obama, Fruitcakes and Guillotine Delights!! TTOT

Visit all the Ten Things Of Thankful Posts
So, after being such a "sweetie" last week, it's time to return to my regular, sarcastic self.

I know that's exactly what some of you were waiting to hear, and what some others dread.

But, you know, life is filled with ups and downs ... you have to take the good with the bad ... when the going gets tough, the tough get going ... check the latitude of your attitude and do a check up from the neck up ... if at first you don't succeed, try, try again ... there are doers and there are triers, those that do reach some degree of success, those that try never succeed ... and last but not least, how much ground could a ground hog grind if a ground hog could grind ground?

(If you'd like to add any motivational thoughts to the above, feel free to do so in the comments section.  We all need motivation from time to time.  It's like, have you ever put off going to the bathroom because you were typing something earth shattering until finally, the last bit of gas you release doesn't really feel like gas?  That's motivation!)

This year, my wife and I will have been together 35 years.  That doesn't mean we spend every waking second together.  In fact, I do a good bit of ignoring her whenever possible.

Oh, don't jump the gun and think I'm a cruel ass for doing that.  (I'll admit to ass, just not cruel ass.  That sounds like an ass is a separate entity that is disengaging from my body and chasing after people with teeth gnashing and claws raking.)  
The Nice Way To Say,
"Honey Hush!"

No, I bought her a MP3 player for Christmas and loaded it up with about 1000 songs so she could do the same thing to me.  Now, she can listen to music and ignore anything I say without having to mentally concentrate on ignoring.  I still force myself to mentally ignore her, which can be a task at times.  A task, especially difficult, when she begins rambling on and on about the grandchildren.

Okay, so I'm a grandfather.  Whoopteedoo!  Both of my daughters have found out how to get it on and breed.  Supposedly, that means that I'm a success in life.  I don't know why it means that, but when you tell people you're a grandfather, they look at you with a look of "hey, great job" in their eyes, like I was the one fathering the kids.

(No, that would never happen.  I'm not that perverted.  Ass, yes ... perverted, no!)

Okay, you cruel ass!  I'm waiting!
Come and get me sucker!
No, No, Help ... Help!!!!!
What's really strange is right at this moment, I'm envisioning exactly what a cruel ass would look like.  I mean, I'm not thinking about it attached to the body doing it's thing, but free of the body, scooting along on paper beads, clean as a morning shower and mean as an attack of warmed over refried beans and cold nachos.  You know, mean enough to take on Nicholas Cage and demonstrate what a cruel ass really is.  In fact, can't you see Nicholas Cage begging for help as he's being devoured by this giant, raving, raging, biting, slashing ass?  

No?  Oh well ... so much for that visual!

Sometimes, instead of positive things motivating you, the negatives work just as well if not better.  Think of it this way, if you saw an ass (as described above) charging down the street after you, wouldn't you get motivated to get the hell out of the way?  I know it would motivate me to move my big butt faster than some positive motivational lecturer standing beside me saying, "Take your time. Just start when you're ready!)

See, negative reinforcement has its place, too!

So do sarcastic asses.  

With that, I feel as though I've shaken off the niceness of last week's post and have returned to full sarcastic force.  So, let's get thankful:

This Week, I'm Thankful Ten Times Over For:

Fruitcake, fruitcake, tastes so good.
Would love to have some, sure would!
1)  Fruitcakes.  Although you may have a squirming butt right now, I'm one of the few people in the world that still likes Fruitcakes.  

Yes, I'm a diabetic and know that I shouldn't eat the damn things, but I can't help it.  I love fruitcakes!  My mother in law used to make fruitcake cookies that I also enjoyed.  Unfortunately, she didn't pass that art on to my wife when she passed on. (Like so many other arts she'd mastered in the kitchen, like boiling water and setting the temperature on the oven.)  

So, I'm stuck, waiting year after year, to spend my Christmas season hunting all the stores for one that has a fruitcake of any kind.  My luck seems to be running out as I could only find the long, rectangular ones this year.  And, having just finished the last piece of the only one I located, I'm going into a state of depression knowing that I have another eleven months before tasting that delectable treat again . .. if I can find one, that is!
 (I wonder if they serve fruitcake in the afterlife?)

2)  French Press Murderers.  And you thought the United States was the only place that people did stupid things.  Welcome France to the picture!

In Paris, France, two radical Muslims entered into a weekly magazine's offices and began shooting.  When it was all over, 12 people lay dead.  Unfortunately, none of them were the shooters.  However, in a later gun battle, they shot and killed a police officer, who was a Muslim.

Seems they were upset over the magazine's humor in depicting radical Muslims and their God.  So, in the most intelligent way any God ever gave man the brain to use, they stormed in and killed everyone they could!  Finally, after a day of running, they're dead. 
 (What do you want to bet there won't be protests for their deaths?  "Oh, but they were such good boys ... always helping their mother ... always willing to share bullets with their friends ... always there to help others strap on explosives ... such wonderful children they were!")

Now, I'm sure (if you've followed this blog at all) you're aware of my
Sacre bleu!  Look what we found in
ze back closet!  One for each brother!
thoughts on organized religion.  I don't believe in following the words of men.  Instead, I believe in following the words of God, whichever one you believe applicable to your life.  I'm against any religion that forces you to listen to a man tell you what's right and wrong, and who you should or shouldn't kill.  If we look at all the wars that were started and fought in the name of ALL different religions, we'd see the history of our world.  

There is nothing wrong with religion, as long as it is kept within the individual.  Man's body is his temple of worship, and man will answer to God individually, not because he's a member of one religion, or denomination.  Or, do you want to start second guessing him?

 Let it be known that anyone that pursues the killing avenue is a coward for failing to stand up and let it really be known why they feel killing is acceptable behavior for mankind to tolerate.  Otherwise, put the damn guns away and accept you're a member of the human race with abilities to reason and understand, as well as show compassion and tolerance to those that may not share your beliefs.   (Or, if you wish, start a suicide cult!  I'd love to supply anyone that wants to kill innocent people with all the Jonestown Kool-Aid they need to rid the world of their kind.  That way, the rest of us can live in peace, without fear of dumb asses shooting us!)

3)  Vegetables Get Even.  In Yuma, Arizona, a bus of tourists that were viewing cabbage and celery crops, flipped over on its side and injured over twenty people.  Seems that the vegetables didn't like their privacy being invaded and did the nasty "grab the wheels and flip it over" trick.  Survivors were happy that the injuries were mostly minor, and that they hadn't been touring a beef slaughterhouse/ processing plant, especially since they'd passed up a Chick-fil-A and stopped at a McDonalds for lunch.  (Just out of curiosity, how bad does life have to be to schedule your vacation to visit a cabbage or celery field?  "Damn, Honey, there's so many things to see in our country.  Let's see, the Grand Canyon looks interesting ... Oh my God, the hell with that!  We've already seen celery and cabbage.  Now, let's go watch the corn grow in Indiana!")

4)  United Airlines Employees Fired.  Thirteen employees of United Airlines were fired after viewing some words written on the back of their plane.  The words ... "Bye-Bye".  
We really are becoming a nation of cowards, aren't we?  Now, if the words were, "Die you suckers, Die!!!!", I might have been concerned.  But, with someone making fun of the "Bye-Bye's" that the flight attendants say at every destination exiting, this might be going a bit too far!  (If you really want to freak them out and get some real laughs, the next time you go to the john on a plane, grab some lipstick and write "REDRUM" on the bathroom mirror!)

5)  Cold Temperatures.  Extremely cold temperatures are covering sections of the United States this week.  Scientists are examining why these temperatures may be here.

Hey, dummy, did anyone ever tell you it's Winter!!!  You know, Winter Wonderland time with ice and snow and hot chocolate to warm you up!!!  Winter !!!!!!   It's gonna be cold.  Did you ever try to snow ski in the summer?  No!  You have to wait until it's cold enough to have snow.  That happens in the Winter!!!!!    Wait until Summer to try to build your sandman, it's SNOWMAN TIME!!!   Please, Lord, help the idiots for they are just damn stupid!!!!!!

Okay, I know I'm not a referee, but, I am
the president, and I'm well familiar with
screwed up calls.  Damn, I've made
more than my share!
6)  Obama On Football.   The President of the United States thinks the referees blew a call during the NFL playoff game between the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys.

Said one official, "If we'd have blown as many a calls as he has during his terms in office, we'd all be watching soccer on television instead of football."

The NSA will now be watching the FBI watching the NFL to see if the calls are accurate, or if we're all going to be SOL before long.

7)  Lower Gas Prices.  All week long, AOL has been promoting a story that brings us the downside of lower gas prices.  According to their report, approximately 9,000 more traffic deaths a year will take place as people hit the highways more.  They predict most of these will take place in the younger segment as they're more affected in the area of "time on the road" with their lower incomes.  

Let's see, that's 4500 bass rattling cars, 3200 texting drivers, and 1300 wanna be gang bangers that we will be free of on the highways!  Hell, let's lower prices another quarter and go for a record!

Hey, Charlie, hold off on paying those
annual bonuses!

8)  Honda To Pay $70 Million Fine.  American Honda has agreed to pay the U.S. Government $70 million for failing to report deaths and injuries caused by defects in their vehicles.  This is the largest fine ever charged any automaker, due to the failure to report these numbers from 2003 to 2014.  

Another big one hits hard.  First, Toyota goes to court time after time as they refuse to honor warranties for customers, Subaru recalls 199,000 vehicles to clear brake line rust, and now Honda fails to report problems with their vehicles.  Who can you trust anymore?

Mazda, anyone?

9)  Bostonian Olympics?   If the world is still around in 2024, Boston has been chosen to hold the Summer Olympics.

Just what Boston needs, more people in cars on their narrow streets.
So, I guess this means you
can always tune a piano, but
you can't tuna fish?

What's wrong with, say, Yuma, Arizona!  At least the tourists could see cabbages and celery grow in their spare time!

10)  Giant Tuna Price.  A record 400 pound tuna was sold at a fish auction this week.  The grand bidder, an owner of a sushi chain, paid over $37,000 for the fish.

Members of the local Sushi Eaters of America will keep a watchful eye on the chain, making sure the sign "Fresh Tuna" doesn't stay up for more than a couple of weeks.

Now, excuse me while I go feed my cats, both of whom are salivating greatly after reading this story.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
And, as much as I hate to say it, that's it for the world's stupidity this week.  I am happy that the holidays are over and people are going back to being their stupid selves again as it makes my task so much easier.

I did stay away from Bill Cosby, this week, even though he was once again in the news.  I'm still against the "guilty until proven innocent" practice of the times, even though things aren't looking great in his court. 

 Oh well, people forgave Pee Wee Herman.  


HEY!!!  Just a thought for you to get implanted in your head.

Soon, a book will be published.  There's about twenty of us that
 wrote short, humorous tales 
(okay, some more so than others, cough, cough) 
and have grown old and weary 
awaiting its presentation to the world.

I'll let you know when it's published so you can donate to the
 "I've Gotten So Much Older Just Waiting On This 
Damn Thing To Be Published" fund.

Here's a sample of what to expect. 
(Okay, Okay, it's the cover, not a sample!
Damn, give a guy a break!)

Save up your pennies.  

It will be worth it!


  1. FRIST!?!?

    I read this half-asleep but I do know that the killings in France have been so awful to contemplate, in a week where there's already been so much bad news.

    You do know that if you MAKE fruit cake, you can have it all the year round, right?

    1. Yes, Sis, you are my first! lol (God, does that ever sound like perversion twice over!) I figure with my "ass" topic to start things off, you may be the last, too! lol

      I'm so sick of people killing in the name of religion. It is so hypocritical and insane at the same time. The world is really in a tremendously sad shape right now, especially since human life serves so little value to so many. If this were the 16th century, the kings would send out knights to scour the lands and perform a genocide act, that we could read about in the future. I sometimes wonder if it's not coming to that.

      You are so funny sometimes! Me? Make a fruitcake? lololololol I found out years ago that the only part of the kitchen I'm a failure in is in the baking of pastries, little lone one as complicated as a fruitcake. However, if you've got a spare minute ....

      Many Thanks!

    2. No, the sarcastic, detachable ass made me laugh. I only thought that you should probably make one and attach it to the faces of LOADS of (or ALL OF) the politicians, because then we might get something halfway sensible out of them...

      I'm sick of the hatred and war in the world at the moment. It tears me up.

      And yeah. Sounded totes perverted but since when did you worry about that? ;)

    3. Sis, actually, I almost did that, but I no longer have Microsoft Picture It (as the damn program won't work with my new version of Windows) and I'll be damned if I can figure out Photoshop's 55 layers of confusion. I keep telling myself I need to get it down, but I just haven't the time to play with it like I need to. Drives me crazy!

      Sorry about the perversion, as I really try not sound be that way. Still, what the hell, a person's gotta live! lol Many Thanks!

  2. While I certainly appreciated last week's post--and it was sweet of you to say my previous comments helped you decide to write it--I did not expect that the sarcasm would be gone for good. :-)

    Why can't the media be happy with lower gas prices? It reminds me of what the news reports about fire season in California each year. It's always a bad fire season. Either we're in a drought, so everything is super dry and flammable, or we received rain, so the undergrowth is thick and just waiting to burst into flames.

    1. Kristi - Hello, my friend! You know what I'm going to say, I'm sure. I gotta stay true to the blog to maintain any integrity. It's always been a sarcastic humor blog, and always will. It's not that sarcasm is all I can write, and I love to write other things. But, here, on this blog, I have to maintain the original intent. Thus, back to the sarcasm! :)

      The media always has to find something to complain about and sensationalize. That's their job as providing the public with distractions while the politicians pass obscene bills without notice. Like last year, for example. They only presented the battle between national healthcare, and made it a good vs. evil concept. What they didn't add is all the tax increases that were included in that bill, like a raise from 0% to 55% for estate taxes.

      Recently, with all the ado about the protests and marches, Congress passed additional tax increases. Between the news agencies and the politicians, we're getting the perfect illusionist. Distract the attention over here so the public doesn't see what's happening over there. Sad thing is that most don't ever realize it has happened until it's too late, if they ever see it at all. Alas, we live in a time where stupidity rules.

      Always appreciate you stopping by and commenting! Many Thanks!

  3. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. I totally enjoyed the read this week. All of it. I am saddened by the Paris terrorism. French Press is my way of making coffee. Oh, that's French press. And surprised by the Honda thing, and amused by the piano tuna. We New Jerseyans have decided politics and football don't necessarily mix - Track Chris Christie.

    1. Val - Good to see you! I used to go shopping, too, but would you believe I'm pretty much shopped out? I really can't think of anything I really want that doesn't cost an arm and a leg (Man From U.N.C.L.E. and/or the 60's Batman complete TV series, a color laser printer, and the ability to afford T-Bone steaks again (God, I looked yesterday and they were up to $15 a pound and they really looked wimpy.) is about it. Of course, I visit music downloads daily to see what albums are reduced substantially in price, but that's now a habit instead of a special event. lol

      Glad you enjoyed the post this week. It was fun getting back to sarcasm. Many Thanks!

  4. My stepdad's sister-in-law made fruit cake cookies each year. I loved them! Unfortunately, when my stepdad passed away, so did my cookie supply. Perhaps I'll try to make them next year. If i do, I'll send your sarcastic self some.

    1. Christine - One of the best comments I've had today! I'll be counting the seconds (well, maybe minutes ... okay, let's make that days) until next holiday season! You're the woman / baker of my dreams! lol Many Thanks!

  5. I wish I could do sarcasm but alas I fail at it, also I do not eat fruit cake don't like it never have and I don't eat Christmas pudding either yuck.............

    1. Jo-Anne - So happy to see you here!

      You can do sarcasm. It's easy! Just let your mind go to the things that you wouldn't dare say in public and let them out! It will either get you a laugh, or arrested. lol

      Seriously, I was once asked, "How do you come up with this stuff?"

      My reply was simple. Take a topic, any topic, and start talking about it. Go to extremes. Sooner or later, something funny will come out. That's what you want to capture.

      Example: I was driving with a friend. He challenged me to find something funny about a church on a hill with a graveyard next to it. I looked at it and said, "That's terrible advertising! I mean, imagine, if you had a restaurant with a graveyard next to it, how many people would eat there? Now, here's a church with a graveyard. It's like they're saying come on in for our Sunday special! Three prayers, one sermon, four hymns, and a grave awaits you! But, you've got to hurry as real estate prices are going up daily! And, bring a friend and enjoy our two for one pricing!"

      See, it's really that simple. I have faith in you (but let's forget about the two for one special, okay?).

      Many Thanks!

  6. love fruitcake... but I have to say not the store bought ones they tend to be like the cliche about them... icky... but anyway... I make them all year round from my meme's old recipe... want one? Be happy to send ya one or six... its a dark fruit cake with allspice, cinnamon and walnuts.

    1. Zoe - Finally, another fruitcake lover! I haven't had a home made fruitcake since my grandmother passed away over twenty years ago. If your offer is real, let me know ( and I'll gladly reimburse you for your time and expenses. God, there is a heaven! :) Many Thanks!

    2. :) no sweat... dont be silly.... of course there is a heaven! Dropped you a line! z~

  7. I love a good fruitcake. I'm always looking for people to share with so perhaps next year I'll put you on the list! Skipped this year because I couldn't settle on a recipe that didn't include the traditional neon-colored fruit. Daughter is allergic to food dyes so I need a new recipe. Next year!
    The media is never happy with anything. As the saying goes, some people would complain if you hung them with a new rope.
    Have a great week!

    1. LIsa- Really good of you to stop in!

      OMG, please put me on your list! I'll call you Santa and leave you cookies and milk for sure! I really hadn't thought about the dyes they used in making them. I was always just too busy devouring it to care. Plus, after 60 years, if it hadn't killed me by now, it had missed its chance. lol Sorry to hear about your daughter's allergy though. I know that affects her with so much more than just fruitcakes. Makes me remember when I had a stomach ulcer back in 1st and 2nd grade. I couldn't eat the school's hot lunches (which were pretty good back then), no fried food, no soda's, and nothing with acid in it. We'd go out to eat and everyone would be munching on their great fast food, and I'd be sitting there nursing a grilled cheese sandwich, with no fries. Drove me crazy. (Maybe that's where all this started, lol)

      The media is no longer broadcasting news. They're making it up by sensationalizing it. Years ago, they'd have been sued for it. Now, they just laugh and go on to the next story. I just do my best to cut through the bull and bring out the facts (as I see them, lol)

      I hope your week is fantastic, too! Many Thanks!

  8. Great to read that your are back to your sarcastic, cynical best. You're a rare specimen whose views on life make me sound cheerful and idealistic. Thank you!

    1. Gary - Welcome back, my friend! Is good to see you here!

      Yeah, I tried one week to be a "nice" guy. I think I blew a few away with it as I could hear the tears running down the cheeks. I had to prove I could write something besides sarcasm (even though I did add some in the opening story just so they'd know I hadn't ripped it off from someone, lol).

      You are a cheerful and idealistic person! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I enjoy reading your posts, even though I'm usually at work and still have a damn hard time leaving comments with my I-Phone.

      Me, well, I just look at what's out in the world and try to show how stupid most of it is. I hope that one day, people will see through all the B.S. they're being fed, and see there is a reality beyond CNN, Fox News or the BBC. It's simply a matter of putting it all together!

      Keep smiling, my friend. The book will soon be out! Many Thanks!

  9. My husband watches movies and stuff on his laptop (not porn, before you ask - it's his WORK laptop) and wears headphones, making a BIG DAMN DEAL about pulling them off one ear to listen if I say something to him (after the third time or so I say it). So I bought him noise cancelling headphones for Christmas, since he pretends not to hear me anyway. Win-win.
    Congratulations on the forthcoming book!

    1. Dyanne - You made me laugh with your "porn" comment! How did you know I was getting ready to ask you how he enjoyed "Debbie Does Enron"? lol

      You've already discovered the secret to a long and prosperous marriage ... stay away from your spouse unless absolutely necessary! lol I love your Win/Win solution. Now, if the training goes well, my wife will get a set of those next year! :)

      Thanks for your good wishes. Hopefully, all will go well with it! Many Thanks!

  10. First off - congrats on 35 years! And time alone is wonderful in marriage. My husband and I have our own sides of the basement. It's wonderful.

    Yay lower gas prices. I currently refuse to see the downside.

    Congrats on the soon to be released book! - Louise

    I don't really "get" fruitcake - but happy to hear you enjoyed some.

    1. Louise- Thanks so much for coming by!

      Yeah, I decided long ago that I was a materialistic SOB. In a divorce, they say everything is split 50/50 ... with the wife getting her half and her lawyer getting the other. So, the only way I could keep all my precious toys was to stay married. I figured I could drive her crazy and get her committed to earn my freedom without loss, but she's bound and determined to stick it out. I have to admire her intestinal fortitude, to say the least. lol

      I love the lower gas price, especially since my Ridgeline only gets about 10 mpg in the city (where I do 95% of my driving). Prices did go up .30 a gallon last Friday, and haven't dropped, so I'm afraid our "good thing" may be ending soon.

      You don't get fruitcake? OMG, I've got to instruct you on the proper way to pick one apart and separate each delectable morsel individually so you can savor each distinctly sweet moment. Or, you could just send me the free one they give you at work and forget about it. lol

      Many Thanks!

  11. Hmmm...I reserve my right to whine about the cold as much as I like! It's unreasonably cold! Absurdly cold! Inhumanely cold! I don't care if it's January; I will whine as much as I like!

    1. Sarah - Nice of you to ski in! lol

      I understand your misery. My wife is just like you in that respect, and I honor her right to bitch (wouldn't matter if I didn't, she'd still do it!)

      I just get tired of the newscasters interrupting broadcasts to tell me there's a freeze alert. It's January, what do they think I'm expecting, to be told that I need to stay indoors to avoid heat stroke????? Sometimes, I know they just interrupt programming to hear themselves talk and try to increase the level of their importance to the community, which is really not there at all. The weather's going to be there whether they're broadcasting about it or not. Besides, if I'm concerned, there's always the weather channel! :)

      But, please, in no way let me affect your efforts to whine. It's good to express your emotions and inner feelings. It releases tension and inner tendencies of confined aggression. Lie down on my couch, my dear, and let's talk about this further. Sooner or later (at $150 an hour), we'll discover why you have such negative feelings towards this damn cold weather we're having! lol

      Smile! Summer will be here before you know it and you can listen to me bitch about the heat! :) Many Thanks!

  12. I saved yours for last. However I don't think my brain survived the entire read. Admittedly it was already on it's way out today.

    No on the fruitcake... I will let you enjoy that one all alone. OCD texture issues here.

    I depend on my husband going to his "game night with friends" once a week... I love him don't get me wrong but I need NEED a break.

    1. Erin - I was wondering where you were this week! Good to see you!

      Ah, so I'm like the Christmas desert. You ate so much at the main meal you couldn't enjoy all the sweet goodies awaiting after! I'll accept that. lol

      I've got to enlighten your taste buds as to the wondrous concoctions that create fruitcakes. Just close your eyes and imagine steak!

      We all need breaks. My wife still works in a pharmacy and I love the nights she doesn't get off until late. Don't get me wrong, I worry about her, but the time to myself is so precious. At one time, she got off early every night, but she went to bed early, giving me "my" time. Now, since she stays up almost as late as myself, the late days mean more than ever.

      Take a break! It's over! You've done your deeds for the week! Relax!

      Many Thanks! :)