Friday, October 24, 2014

BOO!!! It's Halloween, White House Fence Jumping and Armed McDonald's Security Guards.


Yeah, I know ... you're shaking in your shoes.

'Tis the season to scare and be scared.  The season is right for goblins, demons, witches, werewolves, vampires, zombies, mummies, and all other creatures of the supernatural to come forth and rule the world for an evening.  Halloween is soon to be upon us!

As a child, I used to relish the idea of Trick or Treating.  Living in the country, I never get to take advantage of going out and collecting candy.  My father worked nights most of the time and my mother couldn't drive.  This meant I spent most Halloweens glued to the television watching old black and white monster movies.  Finally, when I turned nine years old, I had my first chance to go out and experience what all the other kids had been talking about for years.

Here are some of the things I learned that evening:

  1. People love to give cheap candy.  Name brands are scarce.  Normally, the cheap varieties of taffy and other teeth pulling chewables await.  This is done to assist the parents in getting rid of the kid's baby teeth without going through the formality of tying a string onto a door knob and watching the child squirm and sweat the final moments before the door is slammed shut.  Damn taffy makers all over the world!
  2. Store bought Halloween costumes are meant to barely survive one evening's journey.  I had a Frankenstein outfit to parade around the city blocks.  One slip on a slick curb and the entire inside seam of the right leg burst apart all the way up to the crotch.  So, I'm saying, "Trick or Treat" with one leg of my costume flapping in the wind.  It did make it much easier to go to the bathroom though, I must admit.
  3. People who give candy can demand your name just so they can put a "Who?" type of look on their face when they realize they don't have the slightest clue as to who you are.  It's almost like they don't care if you're a kid or not, they're candy is reserved only for those they know and no others.  I felt like going back a second time to these folks just so they'd recognize me and feel better about forking over the sweets.
  4. Fat kids have candy given to them by the givers and skinny kids get to reach into the bowls themselves.  I was a fat kid, so I was an immediate threat to the candy bowl.  It was though they thought my hands would grow into gigantic sizes and scoop every bit of candy into my bag, leaving nothing for anyone else.  My hands never grew an inch during Trick or Treating, but my disgust for this type of attitude grew with each stop it occurred.  I remember saying to one giver, "Do make sure Gary gets more than me.  I need more fat friends."  To this day, I wonder if they ever figured out what I was talking about.
  5. Teenagers love to chase younger kids with bags of candy.  Again, being a fat kid, my running speed was equal to that of a crawling baby, especially with a flapping costume leg attempting to wrap itself around both ankles.  I barely made it back to my friend's parents car without having to go home empty handed.  This did help me to validate doing the same to younger kids in the future when I became a teenager.  Besides, who wants a bunch of fat little kids roaming around the neighborhood?
I remember arriving home and my parents mandating a search of my stash.  They picked and pulled some of the primo pieces for themselves, which is still a pisser in my memory.  Not only had they refused to take me, now they were taking some of the booty of my efforts.  I announced my displeasure with their actions, and was quickly sent to bed.

Lying there, I let my anger seep out and the fear seep in.  It was the night of the full moon and it was shining brightly in the window beside me.  Something flew by my window (which I just knew was a vampire bat or a witch riding her broom) and I pulled the magical covers up over my head for protection.  (Yeah, I believed that crap just like you did!)

That was the night I gave my life to Satan and became a worshiper of the devil.  Since then, I've hunted Trick or Treaters all over the world and kidnapped them to later bury them alive.  Then, when the parents would cry on television over their missing children, I'd sit back with my demon cat, Gabriela, and get a stomach ache from laughing so hard.  In fact, your children may be my victims this year ... you never know!  


I know, that's not very funny.

But, it'll teach your ass for giving out cheap candy to fat kids!

By the way, got an extra Snickers lying around anywhere?
"You really don't think he's joking, do you?"
Oh well, enough with the threats and promise.  It's time to be thankful ... times ten thankful that is.  Lizzi and her wandering band remind us that it's time to appreciate what the world presents us with, instead of wishing for what we don't have.  So, without further ado, let us begin our appreciation.

This week, I'm thankful for:

1)  The Keene Pumpkin Festival Riots.  Police had to resort to wearing riot gear to break up a riot in which fires were set, cars were overturned, and rocks and bottles were being thrown.  New Hampshire's public liberal arts college students, and other members of the community, were enjoying the evening's festivities when a few started throwing bottles, rocks, skateboards, and, according to one student,  "Anything they could get their hands on to throw."

A few students were saddened greatly as they feared the night's violence would hinder future expectations, hopes and dreams.  Said one student, "If this keeps the Great Pumpkin from coming this year, I'm really going to be pissed!"

2)  McDonald's Security Guards.  A security guard attempted to get four unruly customers to leave the local McDonald's last week.  However, one of the customers decided to instead start a fight with the security guard.  In an effort to protect himself, the guard shot off his weapon.  Fortunately for the fighting customer, it missed him.  Unfortunately for the female in the bunch, the bullet entered her wrist.  Police arrested all four of the customers.  However, if a lady received millions of dollars for spilling hot coffee in her lap years ago, you can imagine what this one will receive.  If I were the CEO of McDonalds, this is how I'd pay future judgements:

"I'm Next!
White House, here I come!"
3) White House Fence Jumping.  Another idiot has decided to check out his athletic ability and jumped / climbed over the fence surrounding the White House.  A 23 year old Maryland male, Dominic Adesanya, whose life long wish was to make an ass out of himself by participating in D.C.'s latest craze, landed inside the fence and was immediately stopped by White House security with dogs.  Dominic obviously decided to protect his family jewels from the dogs teeth and kicked at them, which netted him assault charges.  (Please, should I get a wild hair and jump over the White House fence, remind me never to kick at the attacking dogs since they're now considered human being by the judicial system.  I always wanted to sing tenor anyway!)

4)  Dancing Helps Teach Math.  A dance instructor is now using her trade to help teach math skills to students.  It seems since the "No Child Gets Ahead" system went into place, children are missing the standard skills necessary to succeed in life.  So, the "1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4", and the occasional "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8" are at least teaching the order of the numbers most children have only heard about.  (God, this is so damn sad ... but true!  No wonder no one can make change these days without a computer telling them how much to give back!)

5)  Britney Spears.  Remember all the troubles this lady went through?  Well, seems Las Vegas is her kind of place.  Originally, Britney signed up for a payday of $30 million dollars for a two year contract there.  However, since she's been so successful, she's been given a raise now totaling $1 million dollars a week.  (Let's see, if I marry a POS scumbag, divorce them, forget to wear underwear and spread my legs getting out of my SUV, and make a fool out of myself daily, perhaps I could earn that kind of money!  Damn, already tried that.  Doesn't happen.)

6)  North Korea.  What's the country that has demonstrated the worst paranoia concerning the Ebola virus?  No, it's not the United States ... it's Korea!  In fact, for fear of the epidemic touching its populace, Korea has announced that NO foreign tourists will be allowed inside of its borders.  There is no word as to how long the fear factor will be in order, nor if even political diplomats will be included.  (This ruins my chances of visiting their fantastic prison system and spending my vacation there.  OMG, I'm so damn disappointed.  Oh well, there's always Central Africa!)
"So, with no one coming in, what do you think
our chances are of being able to get drunk
and get a couple of tickets to New York City?
We'll be back before the ever miss us!"
7)  New York City.  In a related story, New York City now has joined the popularity ranks of the Ebola craze and has its first case on file.  Dr. Craig Spencer tested positive for the virus on Thursday, and will soon have his own fan club of New Yorkers that were afraid they'd be left out of the news craze concerning the epidemic.  Hoping to spread the wealth after treating patients for the virus in Africa, Dr. Spencer's activities included riding the famed New York City subway system and bowling.  (Isn't it nice to know that a New Yorker can be known for his generosity in demonstrating "it's so much better to give than receive?")
"Ebola, Ebola ... who else has got the Ebola???"
8)  Honey Boo Boo Cancellation.  The Learning Channel has temporarily cancelled further episodes of the "...Honey Boo Boo" series due to a love relationship between Honey Boo Boo's mother and a convicted sex offender.  As it's known that "Mama June" is not married, her choice in future mates is in real question.  This has caused TLC to reconsider filming future episodes, especially since the child that was attacked by the past offender was an 8 year old relative of Mama June.  (Can't you just hear Mama June saying, "Well, iffen he was good enough fer her, he's good enuff fer Honey Boo Boo!  Go git cher swim suit on, Honey Boo Boo.  It's time fer pictures!")

9)  Sen. Mitch McConnell.  The long time Senator from Kentucky is building a reputation for himself in his home state by running one of the dirtiest smear campaigns in state history.  A campaign is so negative it is beginning to turn his support voters to the opponent.  Well known for this type of tactic working for him in past campaigns, the senator has authorized numerous ads depicting Alison Grimes as a pawn of President Obama, a traitor to her fellow Kentuckians, and the biggest liar in political history.  This campaign has become ridiculous, with 9 out of 10 ads smearing Grimes instead of telling what Mitch could or would accomplish, that even fellow Republicans are sick of seeing them on television.  (Yes, Mitch, I said, "Turning your supporters away!  You're proving that you've something to hide with your Senate residency.  We're sick of hearing this crap on television.  Just admit that you are both political scum, accept it, collect all the special interest money that's made you a millionaire many times over, and shut the hell up!")
"Space ... my new
frontier.  These are the
voyages of the Mars crew
O'Donnell's damsels.  Their
mission, to boldly go where
no man has ever gone
before ... nightly!"

10)  Female Mars Crew.  Studies have found that women expend half the  calories of men in space missions.  Thus, half the food would be necessary.  Half the food would mean half the weight.  NASA is considering an all women crew on a future mission to Mars because of this.  (Already, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Anderson Cooper have volunteered.  "Enjoy the trip!")  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

And that's going to do it for this edition of 
"Ten Things Of Thankful."  

Remember, this Halloween, 
when the kids come in from Trick or Treating
 and are all smiles and giggles,



P.S.  As I wrote this on Thursday evening, a couple of events took place that need further review.  I apologize for the added length, but here are those items.

11)  Man Attacks Police In New York City.  Four rookie policemen were the target of a man and his hatchet.  As the police officers walked down the street, a man crouched down, pulled a hatchet from his backpack, and charged at the group.  Injuries were sustained by one of the officers before the attacker (a recent convert to Islam) was shot and killed.  (I'm sure the officers heard the attacker scream, "Damn you, the United States, and the Great Pumpkin!")

12)  Night Owling Is Good For You.  According to studies at several European universities, being a night owl is a good thing.  These studies show that Night Owls are: 1) More Creative, 2) Have a Higher I.Q., 3) Benefit from Night Strength, 4) Score Higher on General Intelligence Exams, and 5) Can Remain Mentally Alert for More Hours Than Early Birds.  (Being a Night Owl, I wholeheartedly concur.  Please excuse me, though.  It is now time for my nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)


(Okay, this time I'm gone for sure!)


  1. It has definitely been a strange news week, hasn't it?

    1. Kristi, I couldn't agree more. There were many things I left out simply because of the redundancy of them (Washington school shooting, Isis, etc.). It seems as though man will never learn ... or change his path to self destruction. You would think he'd have better uses for his brain. Many Thanks!

  2. As usually I laughed through most of this... Also the first part about halloween was especially my favorite. I just tell the kid it is a candy tax and get used to it as you pay taxes for the rest of your life, might as well start now.

    1. CSMM, glad you enjoyed this one! I love the "candy tax" concept. It really didn't bother me as much as I let on as my mother always had homemade pies, cakes, brownies or cookies in the house. It was terrible for the figure, but wonderful for the palate. lol Many Thanks!

  3. That sucks that you got your Halloween candy taken off you! BLEAH! And as to the attitude - that stinks :( Why are people mean to each other? I sometimes despair!

    Now then - Mama June's questionable taste in mates notwithstanding, although I have never watched the show, I DO like the Honey Boo Boo I saw on Toddlers and Tiaras. They're a bizarre family, but they do seem to genuinely love one another, which is (in the end) where it's at.

    As to the rest of the news - sheesh! WHY ARE PEOPLE SO HORRIBLE TO EACH OTHER!?!! *sigh*

    1. Hey Sis! There will always be attitudes. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of them any more than I was as a child. However, it is more fun dealing with them now that I've developed my own and don't have to worry about being punished by adults. Besides, I was told the other day (after mercilessly attacking a person at work verbally) that I could rip a person to shreds better than they'd ever witnessed. I do try to restrain myself, but sometimes the idiocy simply goes too far.

      As far as your closing question, the answer is simple. We live in a world where everyone is right and no one is wrong. We also live in a world where violence is a completely acceptable form of behavior, as long as there's an excuse to blame it on. Without compromise or tolerance as an option, everyone is set on taking the world over. Greed, religious concepts, and ignorance rules supreme. Where being different used to be acceptable behavior and broke the monotony, it now is cause for attack. We've created a man made monster that's out of control. I only hope some of us with some semblance of intelligence survive. Many Thanks!

  4. the NH festival truly saddened me this week ... its such a great event . I cant imagine what started that... it is one of the more peaceful things Ive been to ... but hey at least Honey Boo Boo ( which I must confess to never seeing) is cancelled...

    1. Zoe, so good to see you! I was shocked how something a well meant as a pumpkin festival could breed violence. Then, I took another look at today's youth and said, "Yeah, it could have been anticipated."

      Never in history have the youth been so outcast from family learning and teaching as they are in these present times. Everything from "lack of quality time" to "two parent working requirements" have been used as an excuse. The truth of the matter lies in the fact that we live in a society of blamers and excuse makers that refuse to accept personal accountability. Today's youth have been ignored for so long, they honestly don't know what proper behavior is for society to coexist within. This is the "me" generation, where only "me" matters and the rest can "kiss their ass". If they want to get drunk and go crazy, then that's exactly what they will do as they simply don't care about how others will be affected.

      It's kind of like Honey Boo Boo. When the child is cast aside or put in danger because the of the mother's infatuation with a child molester, the child will be the one suffering in the end. If Mama June doesn't exhibit care and concern to Honey Boo Boo, she's teaching her to do exactly the same in the future. We are a product of our environment to a great extent. That says a lot as to how people are acting today. Many Thanks!

  5. The first part of your post tickled lots of memories. Mostly of my parents stealing all the good chocolate. Your posts always spark an enjoyable perspective of the sometimes horrible situations in the real news.

    1. Val, so you had candy stealing parent, too?!?!? OMG, now I'm beginning to wonder if it wasn't a conspiracy thing back then! :)

      I really just attempt to show the news for what it is, and people for what they are. We've become a world of sensationalizers, in which the pop culture demands as much attention as the criminal events of the day. Most no longer look at reality and statistics, but only at what the news agencies tell them is important. They become engulfed in the El Toro defecation, instead of stepping back and asking, "God, is man really this stupid?" So, I just try to show all how stupid man is and how ridiculous the centers of attention may be. I am glad you enjoy them. :) Many Thanks!

  6. I pull all the teeth pulling candy out of my kids trick or treat bags. Well, usually. Now that they are older, not so much. The six year old will still lose his taffy though. I always ask before I take candy from my kids because I know I hated it when my folks stole my M&Ms. As for all the crazy news, not much changes from week to week. The details change but the stupid and stupider factor remains the same.

    1. Sandy, you are such a conscientious mother! lol Your kids confirmed you always ask, but they said you're questions usually go like, "You don't mind if I have some of this, do you?" They said it's usually as you're already opening a piece or two. lol Just joking.

      Seriously, you've discovered my secret! Man's stupidity is ever growing, as the news well displays. When I was doing stand up comedy, I used to make fun of myself to start with, as that opened the door to being allowed to make fun of others. The sad thing is that mankind isn't laughing at themselves as they fail to see the stupidity in their actions. We are residing in a world where common sense isn't that common and stupidity is acceptable. Sheep being led to the slaughter, slowly and surely, by our own actions and disregard. I only wish to present this reality in hopes of someone recognizing what's going on and assist in changing our suicidal direction. Many Thanks!

  7. you know how much I needed this hilarious laugh today? Do you? Because I did. I'm dying!!!
    My son actually picked out a costume with a cheap plastic mask and I am so happy about that. One snap of that the garbage!! I remember people throwing pennies in my bag. Isn't that weird? Canada doesn't even have pennies anymore.
    PS. My kid has diarrhea so he's all yours.

    1. Kimberly, I'm glad you liked this one. My parents always bought me the cheap costumes, similar to the one your son probably picked out. The only thing was back then they weren't fire retardant. Since both of my parents smoked, I figure I'm lucky I made it through the holiday! Secretly, I think they both had it in for me just so they wouldn't have to buy me Christmas gifts. Luckily, their aim was off and I made it through. lol
      My grandmother's cure for the "squirts" was to make me drink a couple of tablespoons of cod liver oil. Since that took everything you had inside of you out of you, she figured all the virus left too. You know what ... as much as I hated it, it worked! Good luck and Many Thanks!

  8. I have a confession: I am one of those people who give the "trick or tweeters" the most vile, nausea-inducing sweets. There, I feel better now having got that one out into the open!

    1. And Gary, I'm glad you do! lol For every Ying there must be a Yang. I'm not choosy ... take your pick if you wish to be Ying Or Yang. lol If my wife is home, there's no problem with her going to the door and giving out treats. I just feel really strange giving candy to children. I guess I've heard about old men giving candy to kids to tempt them into a van or something that I associate the act with a negative base. Sad how society's mores have caused most to lose their innocence. Many thanks, my friend!