Saturday, November 8, 2014

Space Virgins, Anacondas, Murder Incorporated, and Ariana Grande ... And No Damn Extended Version Hobbits!

See All The Great Ten Things Of
Thankful Posts Here
I came very close to posting last week, but, obviously, didn't.  

However, if you came here and read the previous week's post (thinking it was current) I can only hope you enjoyed it.

I had decided to write a post last week, since it was Halloween, from the twisted viewpoint of a stalker.  In my past, I'd written a poem about one, but a full fledged post of Ten Things of Thankful from that view would have given me the space necessary to really get into the guts of the matter.

There were two things that stopped me from completing that post.
  1. Was it really the right thing to do considering the tone of most of the posts in the hop?
  2. By attempting to add humor and sarcasm into the embodiment of the post, I started to question how "sick" I really wanted to sound ... or be!

I know, you don't think I've any self imposed limits from some of the things I present.  (Okay, I'll admit, I cross the line whenever possible for shock factor.)  Still, even I have limits to certain perversions.  (I've never had a relationship with sheep in my life ... regardless of what you believe.)

I found by analyzing I could come up with a Reason #3 for not writing that type of post.  The hypocrisy was right in front of me, and it took days for me to see it.

As you may know, I have a running battle with television "mind doctors" validating the violent acts of individuals.  By finding excuses as to "Why" the act was committed, it is my opinion that they are allowing a person in similar life circumstances to feel as though any act of violence is excusable.  

Example:  A person is bullied in school, rejected by the opposite sex, and picked on by certain teachers.  He see's on television a "mind doctor" stating that the reason the school shooter did what he did was because he was bullied in school, rejected by the opposite sex, and picked on by certain teachers!  Now, the person has a central point from which to base his validation in committing a similar act!  

If I had written a story from a stalker's point of view, I might have provided a central point to a person "on the edge" and ready to explode.  I know, the odds are minimal.  But, as most who write have to ask themselves, "Do I want to be responsible for someone dying simply because I decided to go over the line in topic descriptiveness?  That would put me in the same category as playing a Judas Priest record backwards, wouldn't it?"  

To do that would be hypocritical on my part, which would blow my credibility any time I started ranting.  Say I wrote, "... he grabbed her from behind with his left arm while stuffing a rag in her mouth with his right.  A quick punch to the child's stomach knocked the air and fight out of her, changing her screams to whimpers.  Wouldn't her parents be surprised when they finally got off their heated seat asses in their $50 thousand dollar Lexus and discovered her missing?  I really am thankful that some parents are so watchful!"

What if it happened?
(By the way, if that description happens to fit any crime over the weekend, 
I have an alibi.)

No, I'd never be able to live with myself.  That would mean I'd have to divorce myself, pay alimony that I can't really afford to consider, and only have the cats for two weekends a month.  I'd have to do my own ironing, cooking, and cleaning of the home toilet.  Worst of all, I wouldn't have anyone to ignore with my decades trained selective hearing.  I would be a waste of a man.

Or, I could sell the story to True Detective magazine and make a mint!

Maybe I should reconsider.  

This week I'm thankful for:

"Hey, anyone seen my toothpaste?
1)  Fanged Deer.   For the first time in over 60 years, the Chinese Musk Deer has been seen in Northeastern Afghanistan.  The males really do have fangs that they use in determining who will get the female.

"I'm sorry, this is so hard to believe.  First, Halloween was just last week, so tales like this one could be just that ... a tall tale.  "Sure, let's see just how damn stupid Americans are by putting out a story about a Count Deercula and his herd of furry bloodsuckers.  

Secondly, if there are so few of this deer that they haven't been seen in 60 years, there ain't a whole lot of deer screwing going on.  Seriously, unless the deer miraculously developed a birth control pill in their secret laboratory in the wilderness city, either the male deer are all gay, or the female deer just ain't putting out!  Next thing you know, someone will be breeding rabbits with these things just to get a good population going.  Of course, the deer might all kill themselves trying to jump into holes in the ground, but the damn things were supposed to be extinct anyway ... Right????"

2)  Virgin's Crash.  I can only imagine one or two of you with dirty minds expecting this to be a bit on sex.  Sorry!  No, the commercial company that's trying to commercialize space travel, Virgin Galactic, had their first spacecraft crash last week.  Turns out a "feathering" system that slows down the craft was computer activated too early.  All the "feathers" burned up, and created a boom-boom scenario for the entire vessel.

Let's look at it this way.  Remember your first time?  You got all hot and bothered before you knew it.  Sweating, panting, flailing, screaming ... and then, before anyone was ready, POOF!!!   All gone!   Premature ejaculation!  So, in your infinite wisdom, couldn't the same thing happen to a rocket ship?   I rest my case.  

Got a cigarette handy?
"We'll smile in your face,
all the time we wanna steal your gun,
The Gun Nabbers"

3)  TSA.  In October, TSA found and confiscated 181 firearms in carry on luggage during pre-flight screening at U.S. airports.  Out of those confiscated, 157 were loaded and over fifty had rounds chambered.  In addition, TSA collected a 13 inch cane sword as well.  

People, let's try this one more time.  You Cannot Carry Weapons Onto An Airliner In the United States!  You can carry chewing gum, one plastic cigarette lighter, comb, and other small articles on board, but a .357 Magnum is simply not allowed.  Duhhhhh!

Didn't you people ever see "Goldfinger" or "Airport"?  If you shoot a gun in a plane, the bullets have ample opportunity to pierce the cabin walls and create a suction that will send you outside the plane faster than your grandma could cut a hickory switch and blister your bottom!  All of your 40 inch waist will be sucked down to the 18 inch window size and you'll be spewed out in a liquid stream that pedestrians walking below will swear hundreds pigeons with advanced diarrhea just flew overhead.  

So, if you want to keep your guns safe, fly to your destination without delay, and enjoy the trip as much as you can, make sure you store your guns with the shoe bombs in your check-in luggage.  The TSA will love you for it!

"Betcha can't see me ...
Betcha can't see me!"
4)  Transparent Automobiles.  Japanese researchers are toying with the idea of transparent cars to increase the visibility of drivers.  Those who scratch their crotch and re-align bras in their cars were aghast to hear this.  It suddenly became a matter of privacy to them.  However, since finding out that the transparency would be created by cameras and projectors that sent outside images to screens within the car, giving it the effect of being transparent, the resistance has lessened.  Said one individual, "It's just like picking your nose or masturbating in the car as you drive down the highway.  No one can see you doing it!"  

5)  AC/DC Hire For Murder.  Phil Rudd, who used to be the drummer for the classic rock band AC/DC, was arrested in his home country of New Zealand the other day for attempting to hire an individual to murder two other individuals.  However, he has been released on bond pending his court date.  Details on the planned targets identities are sketchy at this time.  It has been said that members of five boy bands are under police protection at this time, as well as the entire judging cast of Dancing With The Stars and Richard Simmons!

6)  Rubik's Cube.  The Rubik's Cube was just granted the honor of having been entered into the National Toy Hall of Fame.  Having been available in the United States, the Rubik's Cube is the one toy that has annoyed me since inception.  In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten all the sides the right color ... except for one damn cube!  One damn cube!!  I hatted and still hate this damn toy!  One damn color square ... One more damn square!  Makes me want to go out and hire someone to kill the damn inventor of this nightmare!!!   Any suggestions, Phil?

7)  United States Postal System.  Buckling under pressure from independent competitors and the general public, the USPS has announced they will be making mail deliveries on Sundays between now and Christmas in larger cities and high traffic areas.  This will either give you some extra days to receive your holiday packages, or the USPS extra days to lose them.  Still, receiving them in January instead of March will definitely be an improvement!

8)  Ariana Grande.  Thousands of Country Music fans are shaking their heads in disbelief as this Pop Queen somehow maneuvered herself into performing one of her pop songs, "Bang Bang", with Little Big Town backing her up at the CMA's Wednesday evening.  The Country Music Association should be shamed for inviting her, as well as Meghan Trainor and her song "All About That Bass" (performed with a Miranda Lambert backing vocal).  Perhaps next year, the CMA's will invite Kanye West, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, and Katy Perry as performers, as Country Music finds itself taking the back seat to Pop again.  "YEE-HAWW, yo, yo, yo, baby, baby, baby, peace out!"
"This Is Country Music?
By jove, old chap, you've got to be kidding!"

9)  Snake Bait.  A researcher has volunteered to have himself soaked with pig's blood in a protective suit and then swallowed by a Green Anaconda for the reality show "Eaten Alive."  The suit will have a tether to pull him out, just in case things don't go as planned.

Okay, first of all, regardless of the fake pictures you've seen on the web, there's no way a green anaconda's mouth will go over the shoulders of a grown man.  In addition, is everyone forgetting that the snake is a constrictor and squeezes its prey with such strength that the blood flow is stopped and a stroke takes place, long before it even thinks about eating its prey.  Anyone that has ever owned a constrictor will tell you they even squeeze dead animals (rats and such) just to make sure they're really dead!

Now, the only way around the constriction part would be to secure the head and the tail, stretch them out until the snake is straight, oil up the suit with WD-40, Stand up the platform with its head to the North, open up the snake's mouth wide, and dive headfirst from a twenty feet platform into the snake's mouth, ripping him apart from top to bottom during the fall.

Or, we could just forget about the whole damn thing and get this guy a date!

10) Hobbit Movie Extended Versions.  This week the second of the Hobbit series, The Desolation Of Smaug (Extended Version) hit the stores.  Best Buy overcharged for this one with an advertised sale price of $29.99, while Target offered the metal box version (w/ Blu-Ray & Digital HD copies) for $22.99.  Being a fan of this series, I drove to Target to purchase this supposed "can't do without" version, even though I already owned the original release.  I'll be damned if I can tell the difference between the two.  There's supposed to be 15 minutes of additional footage, but where it's at is a question to me.  So, my New Year's resolution (made early) is to stop buying these rip-off extended versions if I already own the original!  I thank Target for at least making it a little more affordable, as Best Buy proved this time that they are indeed not the best buy.  On a side note, can anyone answer the question, "Why is it taking so damn long and so many movies to cover one book, when the follow-up series "Lord of the Rings" only used one movie per book?"

And Then We'll Go Get
Phil's Girlfriend!"
**AC/DC Follow-Up.  Police have decided that they don't have enough evidence to prosecute Phil Rudd, so they've dropped the hitman procuring charges.  However, they think they have enough to prosecute him for threatening to kill and have charged him for that.  Before this is all over, we'll probably find out that Phil had a spat with his girlfriend and told her to go jump off a cliff or something.  All this publicity surrounding AC/DC just happens to come as they're getting ready to release a new album next month.  I understand they've also been invited to play at next year's CMA's, at the take-off of the next Virgin Galactic space craft, and during the man eating anaconda event.  

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

And that's going to do it for another week of Ten Things of Thankful.

Now ... I think I'll go out stalking for a while.

Got your windows open?



  1. I always enjoy reading these but am admittedly exhausted afterward... yeah , I need to work out more... but that said... I got nuthin'... but I just gotta keep reading... kind of like the accident you can't look away from.... No... I really do love coming here to read ... Im just thinking too much after to pose an intelligent comment... obviously if this is an example of such.

    1. Zoe - Hello, my friend. If you're exhausted reading them, imagine how I am after writing them! lol I do my best to highlight the exceptionally stupid, but it's difficult when there is seriously so many more to choose from. I love having you come by. Many Thanks!

  2. You, Dyanne, and I went for the dirty references in our posts this week, I see.

    1. Sarah - How are you these days? Dirty? Nawwwww, let's just call it mature material and let those who judge consider them dirty or not. Either way, they're still reading them, aren't they? lol Many Thanks!

  3. It's all about perspective, isn't it?

    1. Hey, Val! I used to say, "The relevancy of the relevant is only relevant to the relevancy of the relevant." (That used to make the drunks in the comedy audiences hiccup once or twice.) I do push the limit at times, but there are some places I stay away from. It's kind of like my opinions of "mind doctors". I know they are a necessary part of healing for an individual, so they are definitely beneficial to our society. Still, those that present themselves as "experts" to a television audience are mostly there to demonstrate they have the ability to charge their patients more in private practice because they are an expert. It's an ego boost for them. So, they ramble on and on, validating the actions of a criminal. This started years ago during the 60's program "Divorce Court", and has continued ever since. We now have a society that loves to find blame and excuses for everything that is done, instead of accepting personal accountability for their actions. Personal accountability doesn't allow for pity, nor the temporary insanity plea. I was a psychology major with a forensic science minor in college. Back then, we were told that we could find the answers for the crimes committed through the therapy we'd be able to provide as a criminal psychiatrist and stop others from doing the same. Unfortunately, I've witnessed exactly the opposite over the years as the answers have been used as excuses to pursue instead of deterrents. Television uses the experts for ratings, the experts use television appearances for ego and income boosts, and the kids watching use the info to validate the internal feelings they're experiencing and move forward with violent acts. It seems to be a vicious circle at times. Ignorance, perspective, or simple common sense ... as William S. would say, "That IS the question." I just try to cut through the insanity and show some reality. lol Many Thanks!

  4. I had to save this one for last. I had to save my brain power... Yes all of this. Fanged deer indeed. Also I know a few boy bands I would look the other way for a hit.....I will deny saying that to any police. Snake bait dude.. yeah.. I either need what he is taking or just isn't another. I need what he is taking. Also TSA. YES having had to take my daughter out of the babywearing I had her in, open her diaper, hey i told them finders keepers, and all because it turns out my headband was metal. FEAR THE METAL HEADBAND! It will at the very least make you miss your plane and throw your breastfeeding schedule all to hell.

    1. CSMM - Good to see you again! I can see I'm going to have to cut back on my intros, as I really do keep the "Ten Things" as short as I can and still make the point. lol I just get started and it's hard to stop at times. My head is turned for acts of retaliation against any boy band ... or girl band. They're nothing more than the record industry's way to make quick cash and then throw the artists away. The snake researcher is supposed to be a scientist, but I seriously doubt he's got the credentials to prove it. If he is indeed an educated individual, he is definitely proof of the educated doesn't always have to have common sense! TSA is one of the biggest jokes around. They're the first stage of the new Gestapo that our government is forcing down our throats. To me, TSA stands for Totally Stupid Assholes, but for security sake, I didn't say that either. lol Many Thanks!

  5. The snake dude is MENTAL! I mean, who even NEEDS TO KNOW?! What a jerk. I can't believe there's even a show called 'eaten alive'. That's grim.

    That said, I do enjoy your snarky comments on news items which would otherwise make me utterly despair for the human race :)

    1. Hey, Sis, nice to see you again! I agree about the herpetologist. He's proof that brains aren't what the news is looking for. As far as the title of the reality show, the U.S. has so many stupid shows on right now that one has to wonder about the intelligence level of the populace. To me, they're like cartoons are to a kid ... something to laugh at and then turn off when real life calls. Am happy you enjoy these. For some reason, my readership has gone up when I post these articles, and continues to bring in views far into the future. Google is my number one source of viewership now. Perhaps, the NSA is watching. lol If you don't hear from me in the future, we'll know that was the case for sure. Many Thanks!

  6. I convinced myself that the snake dude was from the Onion and NOT REAL!! Those pesky tricksy interwebs stories...

    I agree with the extended version decree. I don't have the Hobbit movie yet for that very reason. Now that it's out, I'll put it on my list.

    I always love your list and it's gratitude for stupidity. Thanks for the giggle.

    1. Rebecca - Thanks so much for stopping in again this week! I believe that Justa Beaver and My Old Sinus are both from Orion, too, but for some reason, they continue to stick around. lol I'm a Hobbit/Lord of the Rings junkie of sorts. It's good to see how the film world has changed the books from my drug induced readings of them during my college lifetime. lol I'll probably do it one more time in the future for the last installment as I refuse to go to the theaters and spend more money for one viewing than the Blu-Ray will cost, but this is the last series I do that with. Now, since the Hunger Games is doing the same thing with the last novel and dividing it up into two films, I'm really pissed. lol Thank you for stopping in. Glad you enjoy. Greatly appreciated!

  7. I am totally repulsed by the idiot willing to be swallowed by a snake. Asinine! I didn't really understand the pop stars being invited to the CMAs. Maybe because the token pop star, Taylor Swift, was a no show this year?
    You always pack so much into these posts, Rich. I always enjoy the commentary though.

    1. Sandy, good to see you again! I really don't understand the reasoning behind the snake tummy diver. If you've ever seen the inside of a snake, there's really not much to talk about. Pretty much just a straight shoot down to the stomach, and that's it. The CMA's ... well, Taylor has now gone pop with her new album, similar to the way LeAnn Rimes did around 2004 or 05. I think it's just a ploy by the record companies to draw sales from the country audience. In other words, another cheap shot way of making cash. Record company personnel are notoriously bad for that. The only other thing I can think of would be that the CMA wanted to draw a new audience to the CMA's in hopes of selling more Country albums, so they invited the brain dead to attend. Either way, it's all about the cash in the long run. lol I've tried to shorten these, but they always tend to extend longer than intended. Guess I'm gonna have to learn how to shut up, or Lizzi needs to shorten the hop to the "Five Things of Thankful". :) Many Thanks!

  8. I'm impressed by your disclosure that you came within one brick of successfully completing the Rubik cube; I never got anywhere near. And as for those deercula, I've heard they're as rare as hen's teeth!

    1. Gary, I really appreciate you stopping by! Yes, I came within one block of solving the Rubik's Cube puzzle several times, but could never get it completed. I must admit, that was during the days when my full concentration was devoted to the solution though. Yes, I must admit, that was during my heavy pot smoking years. lol OMG, my friend, you're dating us! I haven't heard the "hen's teeth" expression in decades! Many Thanks!

  9. Here I am a month late to the party- but I just had to read your take on the anaconda deal way back when now that it's over, failed miserably, and I wrote about it.

    If there are fanged deer in this world, I would like two as pets. The Hobbit movies are a joke- not at all like the book. It's taking so many movies because they wrote extra books.

    And I think I'd pay to see you write Ten Things of Thankful from a serial killer's view. I get what you're saying about being a responsible writer- but meh King and Koontz don't care, why should you?

    1. Starr, really good to see you here! Better late than never, right? :) Having worked with snakes for over 30 years, I knew there was no way he would succeed. In fact, with all the equipment he had to wear, there was no way a 30 foot one could have swallowed him. All done for ratings ... as usual.

      There actually are fanged deer in Eastern Asia. They are very very rare, but do exist. Freaked me out when I discovered that, as one associates the fangs with a meat eater. C'est le Vie!

      I thought long and hard about doing the serial killer viewpoint. I could do it in a book as long as it was labeled "Fiction", but a blog is a different story. In our lawyer / sue society, I don't have the funding to fight a court battle and really would not prefer being a prison bitch. lol Many Thanks!