Saturday, June 14, 2014

Things Your Parents Told You ... The Damn Liars!

I’m feeling somewhat guilty about posting recently.

Like, that ever bothered me before.

Since deciding to take a vacation from writing, I’ve encountered physical stress of sorts.

My clumsy ass fell (thanks to an unexpected pavement drop off), tore up my ankle ligaments, ripped the membrane between my tibia and fibula, and broke my fibula.

No, regardless of popular opinion, it did not happen as I was kicking my wife’s ass.  I’m the gentle type.

Actually, today is our 34th wedding anniversary. 

Now you know the real reason I chose to write this tonight.  No, romantic evenings of candlelight, wine, and hot passionate lovemaking are no longer on my agenda.  

Unless, of course, my neighbors happen to leave their curtains open wide enough.

I, also, reached a milestone this week.  Many years ago, I felt as though I would never make it to the age of forty.  My lifestyle, being an adrenaline rush addict, pretty much dictated I wouldn’t be around long enough to see how all my life’s injuries would feel in later years.  Unfortunately, broken bones, tissue damage from venomous reptile bites, and joint stress from continuously overdoing it in various activities now come back and mock my longevity.

Yeah, I hit sixty this week.  What a bummer!

Yeah, won't be long now!
Oh, I’ve had people say things like, “You don’t look like you’re even close to sixty”, “It’s so much better than the alternative of not reaching sixty”, and “Aren’t you happy you’re getting closer to retirement?”

Sometimes people say what they think is so original … and it’s been heard so many times before.  (Shhh … don’t tell them.  It would only hurt their feelings.)

And I really should be thankful for over 70 Internet friends that wished me a Happy Birthday ... driving the knife deeper into the wound.

In fact, I’ve done a lot of reflecting over my past years this week.  Thusly, this week’s Ten Things Of Thankful is going to be about some things that my parents told me as I was growing up … that make no sense to me whatsoever at this time.

So, without further ado, let us proceed by saying …

I’m Thankful For …

1)  No child ever starved to death in China because I didn’t eat everything on my plate.  I can’t prove this, but I feel as though as many lawyers are there are in the world, I would have been summoned by now if this had indeed occurred. 

2)  That I never had an interviewer look at me and say, “In going back to your Permanent Record, I see that you were late getting to school three times in the second grade and four times in the third.  You realize this means you can’t have the job, don’t you?”

Never grew these or any other
vegetables out of my ears!
Did you?
3)  I never had vegetables grow out of my ears because I didn’t properly wash.  There was always a fear of that happening during a basketball game.  I dreaded the possibility of going up for a jump shot and having a cucumber fall out of the side of my head.

4)  I never became a Satin worshipper by playing a record backwards, or by even listening to that demonized rock and roll music.  I did become a heavy fan of Black Sabbath, and later Iron Maiden, but for some reason, I never sacrificed any animal or human during religious ceremonies.  I wonder if I missed out on something there … no, not really.

5)  Smoking never stunted my growth.  I stopped growing any taller before I started smoking.  However, since smoking has become a long time habit, my waist size has grown … well, let’s just say it has grown and leave it at that.  Of course, dependent upon what was being smoked was also a factor here, but, again, let’s just let that be … unless you know where I can find some.  (I lost my source years ago!)

6)  I never did jump in a lake just because one of my friends did.  I jumped off of a river bridge a few times without knowing the depth of the water, and luckily, never found myself in wading depth.  Stupid, but what the hell, we all did stupid things at one time.  Funny thing is, politicians seem to have never grown up and stopped doing them.

Whatdayamean I can't park the
van in the driveway?  Geeesh!
7)  My parents never died of shame because of some of the outfits I wore.  My mother died long before I started experimenting with tie-dyed t-shirts, bell bottoms, sandals, and peace sign medallions, and my father is still alive.  At least I never purchased a leisure suit!

8)  Not everyone feels as though you’re sinning by using profanity.  In fact, when I was performing stand-up comedy, I found that if you didn’t use some profanity, the audiences almost felt cheated.  This happened mostly in the Bible Belt.  It was like these people pretended to be holier than thou Monday through Friday at work, but on Friday and Saturday nights, they’d hit the comedy clubs and laugh their butts off at the smut.  I guess it gave them something to go to church on Sunday mornings and repent for.  So, I’d always test the audiences by starting off clean, and then tossing in a word every now and then to gauge the reactions.  Yep, some people love profanity … it’s a proven fact.  

9)  No, I never did cause anyone to lose their eyesight by flipping paperclips, spitballs, or throwing rocks.  I did shoot out a basement window with a BB Gun once, but I blamed it on a neighbor kid down the road and got away with it.  (Like you never told a lie as a kid!)

10)  Lastly, my face never froze up while making a funny face at someone.  I did get caught making one at a teacher one day (of which they returned a funny face of their own), but my face still has the ability to shift between frowning and smiling, without any frozen parts causing hindrance. 

Now, the jury is still out on masturbation.  True, I did have to start wearing glasses at an early age, but I knew many kids that were like me in that area.  I wonder if they were … hmmmmmm.   Let’s give that one a few more years to decide upon.

Anyway, I know this has been a little different Ten Things Of Thankful for me, but I’ve been ignoring the news as of late.  Seems like no one is learning from their mistakes and history is doing nothing more than repeating itself over and over again.  Maybe next week I'll get back to my standard sarcastic ass fare … we’ll just have to see.


****All photos compliments of


  1. At first I was thinking, wouldn't it have been good to know the truth back then. But then i got honest with myself and knew that nothing would have changed in the choices I made.

    1. May - So good of you to stop by. I can easily see where you're coming from. The lies were told in hopes of us understanding what we were going to have to do anyway. Still, embellishments and exaggerations can sometimes go too far. These were all simple enough to debunk, but the problems were those that weren't. Sometimes I wonder if they truly believed all the bunk that was stated. Doesn't matter. I'd love them anyway. Many Thanks!

  2. Happy anniversary and birthday , mr. Clumsy!!!! Wow thats a helluva injury!!! Best of heling with that! As always fun list....I miss you when youre not here!

    1. Zoe - Good to see you again! Thanks for the good wishes. Yes, it is a pain in the leg, to say the least. lol It would get better if I'd do what the doctor requested, but damn it, I still try to push the limits at times. It's good to be back! Many Thanks!

  3. Happy, happy birthday again Rich and I am so sorry that you feel and sounded quite painful. I fell when I was younger on my tailbone and still have issues every so often (part of why I go to a chiropractor for weekly maintenance appointments). But still just glad to see you back and Happy Anniversary, too this weekend :)

    1. Hey Janine - I also wish you Happy Birthday again! (for anyone that doesn't know it, Janine and I share the day) The leg/ankle has been painful, but mostly just a major frustration as I'm not one that likes my ability to move hindered in any way. They've mentioned physical therapy, but I think I can learn to walk again on my own, as I'm a little more coordinated than I was as a child the first time around. lol It's good to be back! Many Thanks!

  4. It's all lies... though I'm not so sure the one my mother told me about rock & roll causing brain damage wasn't partially true. It would explain so much. Happy anniversary and as I try to slow the next six months til I reach the same birthday, I'll go with another lie they say. 60 is the new 40. Yeah, not buying that one.

    1. Hey Kat! I've wondered long about the brain damage thing myself. I will state that it can cause some hearing loss, especially after it felt like I burst an eardrum standing in front of the speakers (set on the floor about three feet in front of me) at a Queensryche concert a few years back. (God, what a lousy band to lose hearing over!) I'm not believing the 60/40 thing, either. I think the government is putting that one out to postpone retirement age requirements again. lol Many Thanks!

  5. Totally cracking up at your post. My friends and I like to say we are in the youth of old age. It happens when you walk through that door with the number 60 on it. Looking forward to reading more of your blog.

    PS: I like that 60 is the new 40

    1. Val - Really good of you to visit. I'm trying to make the rounds, too, but I work so damn much it's tough. Will try to get to yours tonight. According to my daughters, I've been over the hill since I hit 40. I think the slide down the hill on my tail is going faster than the way up did. lol Glad you enjoyed this one. Many thanks!

  6. Happy Birthday (again - pleased to be one of the 70, Bro), Happy Anniversary, and Happy Hilarious Tags Day.


    China; Masturbation; Parental Lies; Starvation....

    WOW! :D

    I'm glad your parents lied to you. It made you good and cynical and ready to face the world.

    1. Hey, Sis! Still driving the knife deeper, huh? lol I always try to extreme it with the tags. Tends to bring a few more views the stranger they are. lol Cynicism is under rated. It's a hell of a lot more fun than always thinking the sun is shining. I'm still waiting on one of those solar storms to flash to the Earth and demonstrate the weaknesses of various sun blocks. lol Many Thanks!

  7. No Rich, profanity is human. ;) And take care of that fibula, now!

    1. Michelle, my old friend! Yes, I believe that about profanity, too. I just try to limit mine to bring out more of an affect at times. Doing my best to get back to walking normal. I may have pushed it too far yesterday, but I've learned a lesson for sure. Many Thanks!

  8. Happy belated birthday! Sorry to hear about the leg..yikes! My husband spent a lifetime abusing his body (in a fun way) and is now paying the price. A few years ago he took an innocent jump off of a diving board and his quad tendon snapped and rolled up like a window shade. It's repaired, obviously, but it's never been the same. Doesn't seem to stop him though. This is a super funny list. I can remember so many of these things being said my my parents growing up and I made myself a promise a long time ago I would never say them to my children. So far, so good! Glad to have you back...always a good laugh! Thanks!

    1. Sandy - Thank you for the good wishes! I'm sorry, but I had to laugh about your husband "abusing his body (in a fun way)" I guess I need to watch what postings I talk about masturbation in, huh? lol Seriously, I'd never heard of a quad doing that. How strange! Your hubby sounds like a "Type A" personality, too! Glad you enjoyed this one. I never told my kids any of the lists sayings. I did scare the hell out of them discussing werewolves and vampires, but never did I mention vegetables! :) Many Thanks!

  9. and, and! if I may add to your list* I totally had more brain cells than I had Saturday nights**. I mean, if that weren't true, then I could very well be here writing about… broken bone…. beatles….. Birthdays! that's it! see? I can handle things!
    Fun Post…really enjoy your joining us at the TToT.

    * by virtue of certain mutual experience
    ** and maybe occasionally Fridays…Thursday only I had to relax before/after an exam…. and sure, Sunday's if we were playing a wedding reception… and …

    1. Clark - How the heck are you, sir? Good to see you again! Ah, the similarities between our pasts. I have to admit to a seven day a week habit for many years. I've always been a practitioner of consistency. lol I'm pleased you enjoyed this one. Many Thanks!